Maths QI XL

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This programme contains some strong language

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Go-oo-oo-od evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

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good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI,

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where tonight we're doing the maths and making the money.

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Let's meet our mathematical masterminds.

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The irrational Aisling Bea.

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APPLAUSE

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The recurring Susan Calman.

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APPLAUSE

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A prime example, Sandi Toksvig.

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APPLAUSE

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And the square root of f-all, Alan Davies.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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So, let's get their numbers.

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Susan goes:

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# One, two, three, four... #

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Aisling goes:

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# Two, four, six, eight... #

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-Sandi goes:

-# Five-seven-oh-five! #

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And Alan goes:

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-CHILD:

-'Two twos are six!

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'Two threes are seven. Two fours are 24.'

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LAUGHTER Well done.

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It's getting worse, you know.

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Now, before we start, we've already done a little market research

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to see if many heads are better than one.

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We've asked a random selection of our studio audience to guess

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how many sweets are in this jar,

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and we want each member of the panel to do the same, right?

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So you can write down your thoughts.

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I'll come back to you at the end of the show

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The winner will get to call themselves Smarty-Pants.

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Can I just check that they are actually sweets first of all?

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Oh, yes, they really are individual chocolate beans.

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-Wow!

-Done.

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You can put it away till the end of the show.

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Now, what was this man very good at doing with his fingers?

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This man being the man sitting down with the crown.

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He kind of looks like he's doing the Macarena,

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but I don't think they used to do that.

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Is it a card trick? Is it a "nothing up my sleeves", is it one of those?

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It looks like that.

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-AISLING:

-Is the man in the middle Jesus?

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I know that face from somewhere.

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-We're in the Old Testament.

-Oh, are we?

-Well...

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The man in the middle is Daniel.

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He was in a lion's den, if you remember.

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He was in prison and he was released from prison

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because he had the ability to interpret...?

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-Dreams.

-Dreams.

-Dreams.

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And the King whose dreams he interpreted was?

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Happy.

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LAUGHTER

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-Asleep.

-N, N, N...

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Nestafarius.

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-Oh, I was close.

-Yes, yes.

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All things around him.

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-Babylon.

-He was.

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-Yes.

-And the Babylonians were very good

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at doing what with their fingers?

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Gardening. The Hanging Gardens of Babylon.

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-What's the theme... Yes, no, you're right. What's...

-Green-fingered.

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-Babylon is...

-What's the theme of our show tonight?

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-Babylon is where...

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-Maths.

-Yeah.

-Maths.

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Babylonians, I won't say they invented mathematics, exactly,

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but they had a counting system on their fingers which was

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different from ours.

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How's our counting system work? One, two, three, four, five...

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One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Phew!

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And therefore, because of that...

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-Decimal, decimal.

-We have a decimal system, based on ten.

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But they have a different system,

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they counted on their fingers differently.

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- Oh, they did the... - One, two, three...

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-They went one, two, three, four...

-They went the JOINTS of the fingers.

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-Yeah, the joints.

-Yes. One, two, three. Four, five, six. Seven, eight, nine, Ten, 11, 12.

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And then they'd put their thumb up. 13, 14, 15.

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16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21,

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22, 23, 24.

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Put their finger up.

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And so on, until they got to 60, which is five iterations of 12.

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After that you'd need another person.

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Yes, exactly. Just as we would need another person after ten.

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That's the point. And they had a very successful system.

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Why is that important and influential?

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Well, it's the hours of the day, is it?

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Hours of the day, 60 minutes in an hour.

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60 seconds in a minute.

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But the 24 divides into more than any other number,

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divides by two, three, four, six, eight...

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-Oh, Alan, you're on fire!

-..and 12.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-Yeah! Absolutely right.

-Good boy!

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We also have 360...

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Degrees.

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..degrees in a full circle. 12 inches to a foot.

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-12 is so much more pleasing, I think.

-It is.

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Well, it's factorisable,

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and therefore it's a much more natural way.

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It seems like it was some chap with more time on his hands.

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Ten is easy - you look and think, "There's ten," straight away.

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He's thinking, "But we could be more creative," and he's working out...

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-Isn't he? He's got more time.

-But they didn't have the internet.

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They were just looking at their hands, going,

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"I wish I had a Game Boy. May as well count my knuckles."

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I've got a question.

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Yeah?

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When you want to say to someone, just one, I just want one.

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-You know, across a room.

-Yeah.

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Get me two, get me two. How do you do that?

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Do you have to go like that?

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If you go like that it means three, you get three of everything.

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It's a very interesting question.

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I'm only going to tell you this three more times.

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If you were Roman, that would be five, wouldn't it?

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It's very confusing.

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-Yeah, the Romans, that's five. Yeah.

-There you are, that's it.

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Now, last night, I tossed two heads at the same time.

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What are the chances? What?

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-I don't understand, what are you doing? No, no, what?

-No, no.

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-Yeah, no, it's fine.

-No, no, I misunderstood, I misunderstood.

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It's completely fine.

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Two coins at the same time?

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Yeah, a coin here, a coin there.

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I just want to know what the odds are.

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Because I'm tempted to say one in three, but I bet it's not.

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Well, what...

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KLAXON

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-SUSAN:

-It's seven in 94.

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-No, you've got two coins, right.

-Yeah.

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There are four possible outcomes.

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Yeah.

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Tails-tails.

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-Yeah. So it's one in four.

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-One in four.

-One in four.

-It's one in four.

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Does it have anything to do with whether you normally toss

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That's assuming it's an equal toss.

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The thing is, it's not that difficult a thing to understand mathematically,

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but this was given to Members of Parliament as a question in 2012.

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60% of MPs got it wrong.

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Did that include the Chancellor of the Exchequer?

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Well, there was a split on party lines.

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47% of the Tories got it wrong.

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And 77% of Labour MPs got it wrong.

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Now, listen, can I...? I should have said this at the beginning,

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I have to be very honest, I am phobic about maths.

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No, I understand.

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I was like you, I was also... My father's a mathematician,

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a physicist, and I was phobic about maths.

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-Yeah.

-I always said, "Oh, no, I'm allergic to maths, I can't do it."

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-But, actually, it's very beautiful, isn't it, it's really...

-Oh, now I love it.

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-I wish one could be turned on to it.

-Yeah.

-I'm going to get turned on tonight to maths.

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All right.

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My thinking, Stephen, is if it's a head and a tail, that's one outcome.

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-Yeah.

-And then a tail and a tail and a head and a head.

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I'm not counting which coin does a thing.

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I'm still sticking with three.

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Ah, then you think it's one in three.

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And you're still wrong.

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But I'd give them a break, though,

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because if I was in parliament and I was like,

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"Listen, I know you said you're going to fix the housing system

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"and you're going to sort my benefits,

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"but the big question is - I've got two coins.

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"I've got really good hands, I can flip them at the same time.

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"What's the probability of each hand?"

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Like, if he could pull that out and go, "You're a witch!"

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and then... You wouldn't trust them.

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Do you know the story of the professor of mathematics

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at the University of Warwick, Jeffrey Hamilton,

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giving a lecture in the 1970s on this topic?

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and how you could calculate that it was going to be either one

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or the other, and he tossed the coin in the air

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and it fell from his hand and it rolled across the lecture theatre

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and ended up exactly on its edge.

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So I like the fact there is a chance element in all these things.

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Always, absolutely. Yeah.

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And of course, ordinary people who are not MPs are just as fallible.

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In fact, 74% got it wrong - only 3% more stupid than the Labour MPs.

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-At least then they're representing the common man.

-Yeah.

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There was a third-pound burger, the A&E company, the rival to McDonalds.

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People preferred it to the McDonalds version, but it failed.

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well, it was a con.

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Oh, they thought it was less than a quarter pound?

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They thought you got less meat.

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AMERICAN ACCENT: It's only a third, it's not a quarter!

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And three is a smaller number than four,

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therefore a third of a pound must be less than a quarter of a pound.

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-Oh, my God.

-And this is the most powerful nation on Earth.

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LAUGHTER

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This is also the nation where nine out of ten high school graduates

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-think that Joan of Arc is Noah's wife, so...

-Yes.

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LAUGHTER

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But on the subject of probability, I've got this.

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It's really interesting, it's a probability issue.

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You want a pack of cards each.

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-I can't catch.

-Oh, well caught.

-Well held.

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We've got some for you. All right.

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I want you to take the cards out and give them a good shuffle,

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good shuffle. I'm going to do the same.

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I've just shuffled them.

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LAUGHTER

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Beautifully done.

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Sandi's, Sandi's, Sandi's... Look at her, she's like a croupier.

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Jesus!

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Yeah. Very good.

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Oh, no.

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Very good.

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-Yes, I've shuffled, I've riffle shuffled.

-Yeah.

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-I'm not a gambler.

-OK. OK, so can you shove your cards in here?

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Oh, all right, then.

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All right. Thank you. I'll give it a good shake.

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Is this going to be one of those Derren Brown ones where we

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all can't eat for a week, or something like that?

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No, nothing like that. There you are. There you go.

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All right. It's just about probability, it's not a big deal.

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Is there anything you can't turn your hand to, Stephen? Now it's magic.

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You haven't seen me turn my hand to anything yet.

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OK. And I'll put my cards in, as well.

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There we go. All right. And give it all a good shake.

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All right, so you take one card out.

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Don't look, and if you can put it close to your chest,

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but not, no, no, don't look.

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-I've looked, I know what it is.

-Well, it doesn't matter. All right.

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The point is to shove it close to your chest so that that's where you're going to...

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The reason to shove it close to your chest is so that

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when you reveal it, it's camera height.

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-Oh, right.

-That's all it is.

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All right. So take one out, feel it, yeah, random. All right.

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-Magic.

-Yeah, very good, very good. All right. I'll do the same. All right. All right.

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I'll do the same. OK, so the point is it's about probability.

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The first card you choose, it could be anything.

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The second card, the probability it's going to be the same card is quite small.

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And it's even less likely that three cards will be the same,

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and so on and so on.

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The chances that you'd get all the cards the same

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is about one in two billion.

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Now there is a possibility,

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but a very unlikely possibility, that two of the cards will be the same.

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-OK.

-So Sandi, you'll reveal your card.

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-Yours is the six of clubs, all right.

-Me?

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OK, and you reveal yours. Oh, my God!

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Oh!

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Now Alan. Oh! You reveal yours.

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Oh, no, surely not.

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No, oh, my God! And mine as well!

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Oh, there you go!

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APPLAUSE Funny, how can that happen?

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There it is.

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-Burn him!

-He's a witch.

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Yeah. There you are. OK.

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-He's a witch.

-That's a very good trick.

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-Thank you very much.

-That's very good.

-That's terribly good.

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APPLAUSE

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-All right, there we are.

-Fantastic, honestly.

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-That was really good.

-Oh, you're sweet, thank you.

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It was like Paul Daniels was in the room.

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If only he was in the bag.

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LAUGHTER

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So the chances were about one in two billion that you'd get all

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the cards the same and it just happened this evening.

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I'm amazed. So, tell me now, do animals count?

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Do you mean in life, in a sort of sociological...?

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-They count very much, in that sense.

-They count.

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But do they count in the sense of actually...?

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From what I know, there are some animals that can count.

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Yes, you're right.

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-They all lined up for Noah. I'm just saying.

-Yeah.

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Yeah, and that's a fact story, a true fact story.

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-That's a fact story, so...

-Yeah.

-You don't hear them fighting.

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Have you any thoughts on this side of the room?

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Well, I can imagine a monkey can count.

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Surely.

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There must be a rhesus monkey with an accountancy degree,

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-there must be.

-Yeah.

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But you're spot on. Not only monkeys, but monkeys certainly are.

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Apparently chicks when they hatch

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can show some propensity towards being able to count.

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One, two, three, four, five, chicks.

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Because you can see their heads counting, can't you, they're like one, two, three, four.

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Well, let me give you a list of some of the animals that have been

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spotted counting.

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Pigeons, parrots, raccoons, ferrets, rats, salamanders, honeybees,

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monkeys and apes

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have all been seen to count, add and subtract.

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Rhesus monkeys - funny you should mention them -

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at Columbia University have shown they can arrange up to nine objects in the correct numerical sequence.

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It's always rhesus monkeys. Do you not feel sorry for them?

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-They're always saying, oh, let's teach them to speak French, or...

-Yeah, you're right.

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Crows and parrots can count up to five or six.

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Cormorants can count up to seven. Now how do you know that?

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They take seven fish back to the nest.

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-Not quite that.

-Something like that.

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Actually, Chinese fishermen have trained them to catch fish for them.

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And what they do is they put a ring round their throat,

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so that they can't swallow fish themselves.

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So they catch the fish, but dump them on the deck of the boat.

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And how they've trained them is that once they get past seven, on

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the eighth they get rid of the ring and the cormorant can catch its own.

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I love that, when they make up their own mind.

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There used to be a bear at Regent's Park Zoo in the 1920s

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that was fed biscuits by the general public.

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And on Mondays it was half price and so they got a lot more biscuits.

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And so on Tuesdays the bear used to take day the off.

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Yes, that's it.

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He counted days, or she counted days - ursine calendar.

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It's brilliant.

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But I suppose it's when in need, like you wouldn't be needing

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to count up stuff if you're a bear, like, you're not...

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But sometimes you'll see, maybe they need to count how many kids they have.

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Yes, yeah.

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And they can tell if one of them has gone missing.

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Although ducks are rubbish at that, they are. I live on a house boat for many, many years,

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and we're forever trying to get baby ducks to join back up

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with Mother, who'd just gone off.

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She was off down to Battersea.

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Sandi, loads of your stories of what you do for entertainment are like,

0:15:230:15:27

we used to try and convince ducks to hang out with each other...

0:15:270:15:30

I suffer from a fatal condition, Aisling,

0:15:300:15:33

which is posh voice, no money.

0:15:330:15:35

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:15:350:15:36

That sounds absolutely awful, I would hate to have that.

0:15:410:15:44

0:15:460:15:48

-tiny brains. Really, you would expect nothing of a bird.

-Mmm.

0:15:480:15:52

And yet some of the primates have got quite big brains.

0:15:520:15:55

You'd think they'd be more than counting and yet

0:15:550:15:57

they don't seem to be doing more than count to five, like the birds.

0:15:570:16:00

I don't think it's anything to do with the brain

0:16:000:16:02

because I remember being in the desert in Africa

0:16:020:16:05

and there were ants I was shown who apparently work out their shadow

0:16:050:16:08

and the angle of the sun in order to get their path back home.

0:16:080:16:11

Now, really, that's kind of trigonometry, isn't it?

0:16:110:16:13

And you wouldn't think an ant would be doing it.

0:16:130:16:16

But they actually use their own shadow to work out...

0:16:160:16:19

to calculate their route.

0:16:190:16:21

Yes, and there are mosquito fish, which is a kind of carp,

0:16:210:16:24

and they are able to count, it seems.

0:16:240:16:26

If they are harassed by a male they take refuge in a shoal

0:16:260:16:30

of other mosquito fish.

0:16:300:16:31

They can count on their female...

0:16:310:16:33

Yeah, but they detect the difference between just one or two or

0:16:330:16:37

two or three or three or four. They can't tell

0:16:370:16:39

the difference between four or five, so, you know, it's basically

0:16:390:16:42

a small amount they can tell and they hide in the largest number.

0:16:420:16:45

It may be because the male mosquito fish has the largest penis

0:16:450:16:49

-of any fish relative to its body.

-Oh, God.

0:16:490:16:53

It's 70% of its length.

0:16:530:16:54

And it's barbed.

0:16:540:16:56

I don't think it's possible to come on this programme

0:16:560:16:58

and not discuss the penis.

0:16:580:17:00

No, it isn't. Not while I've got a breath in my body, Sandi!

0:17:000:17:05

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:17:050:17:07

Now, why don't bankers give a damn what people think of them?

0:17:100:17:15

Because they're psychopaths and they lack empathy.

0:17:150:17:18

Something like one in ten people who work on Wall Street have

0:17:180:17:22

-psychopathic tendencies. Apparently.

-Yes, it's true, yes.

0:17:220:17:25

-But that leaves 90% perfectly fine, doesn't it?

-Yeah.

0:17:250:17:28

It must be because in their world it all seems fine, what they do.

0:17:280:17:33

That's probably true. But there's a funny thing about money.

0:17:330:17:36

Are you aware of that Hollywood phrase?

0:17:360:17:38

I think it was William Goldman - "follow the money".

0:17:380:17:40

You follow the money when you watch a movie.

0:17:400:17:43

So if you see a movie and someone, you know,

0:17:430:17:45

has a suitcase of money, everyone...

0:17:450:17:48

You can register it, watch their eyes move -

0:17:480:17:51

people watch the money. You can't help it, it's very human.

0:17:510:17:54

You know, the first time you get a load of cash in your hand,

0:17:540:17:57

-which occasionally I have, it's just...

-That's the point.

0:17:570:18:00

You know that scene in...

0:18:000:18:02

What's the one where Demi Moore rolls around the bed on the money?

0:18:020:18:04

Indecent Proposal. And she puts... I've done that...

0:18:040:18:08

LAUGHTER

0:18:080:18:10

-Which William Goldman was...

-..with 40 quid. But it does feel...

0:18:100:18:14

-If you get a...

-In change.

0:18:140:18:16

And that's the point of our...

0:18:180:18:20

That's the point of our question.

0:18:200:18:23

The physical proximity to money changes the way you feel.

0:18:230:18:28

It seems that you can prove that being close to money makes you

0:18:280:18:32

care less about what people think of you.

0:18:320:18:34

That must be quite a new thing, cos money's quite new.

0:18:340:18:37

There used to be like... You used to, when you had a good night,

0:18:370:18:39

come home and throw chickens on yourself

0:18:390:18:41

because that was how you...

0:18:410:18:43

But now it's cash.

0:18:440:18:46

But let me take you through the experiment.

0:18:460:18:48

Test subjects were asked who they wanted to work with.

0:18:480:18:51

They were told randomly either that everyone else wanted to work

0:18:510:18:54

with them or they were told that nobody did.

0:18:540:18:57

So half the subjects felt rejected by their peers, half felt reinforced.

0:18:570:19:02

Now, some of the subjects had been previously exposed to money

0:19:020:19:05

and they were just told it was a test for manual dexterity -

0:19:050:19:08

could you count out this money very fast?

0:19:080:19:11

And the other half were asked the same question,

0:19:110:19:14

but it was bits of blank paper.

0:19:140:19:16

The ones who had handled the money were not offended

0:19:160:19:19

when told that nobody wanted to work with them.

0:19:190:19:22

The ones that had handled the paper were offended.

0:19:220:19:25

I've got a Scottish fiver.

0:19:250:19:27

Coming here, trying to buy England!

0:19:300:19:32

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:19:320:19:34

-It's a status thing, maybe it makes you feel more important.

-Exactly.

0:19:380:19:42

-I think it can make you feel safer.

-Even if it isn't yours, yeah.

0:19:420:19:45

Because you can buy your way out of any trouble, as we all know.

0:19:450:19:48

0:19:480:19:51

-So it makes you feel, erm, safer, I think, perhaps.

-Yeah.

0:19:540:19:57

It's weird, isn't it?

0:19:570:19:58

And they also used money to test people feigning blindness.

0:19:580:20:02

If someone says, "I'm blind,"

0:20:020:20:04

they go, "All right, let's test your blindness."

0:20:040:20:07

"Can't see anything." "Read this." "Can't see it."

0:20:070:20:10

Then you wave a £50 note in front of them, they go, "Oh, wow."

0:20:100:20:14

A £5 doesn't work,

0:20:150:20:16

but a £50 note is almost impossible for you not to look at it.

0:20:160:20:19

This is clearly a test not done by the NHS, who don't have a £50 note.

0:20:190:20:22

Well, there was an ophthalmic optician who didn't, so instead

0:20:220:20:25

he put a Post-it Note on his forehead saying "go fuck yourself".

0:20:250:20:29

And similarly, people couldn't help looking at it.

0:20:290:20:33

Now, what illegal substance can be found in the pockets

0:20:330:20:36

of most of our audience?

0:20:360:20:38

-How did it get there?

-Cocaine.

0:20:380:20:40

Cos it's on banknotes.

0:20:410:20:42

-Yes!

-Yes, absolutely.

0:20:420:20:45

APPLAUSE

0:20:450:20:47

Most of our audience...

0:20:470:20:49

Most of our audience have residue of cocaine in their...

0:20:490:20:52

I can see everyone shuffling around...

0:20:520:20:54

They're licking their money.

0:20:540:20:56

More than 99% of banknotes in circulation have detectable cocaine.

0:20:560:21:03

-What?!

-Yes.

0:21:030:21:04

It's why drug dogs sometimes have difficulty in identifying.

0:21:040:21:08

Cos I get the sleeper train home and there's always a drug dog there.

0:21:080:21:11

Not for me, it's just a... It's because it's a good way

0:21:110:21:14

of smuggling drugs up to... up north, the sleeper train.

0:21:140:21:18

You don't want to go on the train. You want to get an actual mule.

0:21:180:21:23

Nobody is going to expect somebody to have drugs on a mule

0:21:230:21:28

because it's too obvious, isn't it?

0:21:280:21:31

I'd love somebody arriving into Glasgow on a mule.

0:21:310:21:34

-On a mule.

-Nothing to see.

0:21:340:21:36

-AISLING:

0:21:360:21:37

SHE IMITATES HOOVES

0:21:370:21:39

-Can you clean it off? I mean, I don't want it.

-Not really, no.

0:21:390:21:42

-Paper.

-Put a hairdryer over it and you can blow the dust off, maybe.

0:21:420:21:45

-That won't do it.

-There used to be a hotel, Stephen,

0:21:450:21:47

in New York, where the concierge was famous for washing the coins.

0:21:470:21:50

If you didn't like the coins in your pocket, I believe

0:21:500:21:52

he would put them in a jar and wash them for you.

0:21:520:21:54

I can't think which one it was.

0:21:540:21:55

Are there hotels where they don't do that?

0:21:550:21:57

LAUGHTER

0:21:570:21:59

I don't know, I have no money, I have no idea.

0:21:590:22:02

Now, let's leave the filthy moolah.

0:22:020:22:05

What do moon-starers do,

0:22:050:22:07

and why might they call themselves that?

0:22:070:22:10

Well, the clue would appear to be in the question.

0:22:100:22:12

Yeah.

0:22:120:22:14

It's too obvious, I'd say they watch bare arses all the time.

0:22:140:22:18

-Yeah.

-Well, moon-starers is an anagram of astronomers.

0:22:180:22:22

-Yay! Points to you.

-Good work.

0:22:220:22:24

APPLAUSE

0:22:240:22:26

-Good work!

-That was damn fast.

0:22:280:22:29

It's not an anagram, it's an aptagram. Sorry.

0:22:290:22:32

-Oh!

-You're right, yeah.

0:22:320:22:34

I'll never win, Sandi Toksvig, never!

0:22:340:22:37

What's an aptagram, Sandi?

0:22:370:22:39

An aptagram is an anagram that, where the word

0:22:390:22:41

means roughly the same.

0:22:410:22:43

Like Apple Macintosh and laptop machines.

0:22:430:22:46

Yeah. Semolina - is no meal.

0:22:460:22:48

Yeah.

0:22:480:22:49

Yes, moon-starer is an anagram of astronomer.

0:22:490:22:52

In what time in history was that a relevant thing,

0:22:520:22:56

the idea of anagrams and astronomers?

0:22:560:22:59

Well, it must have been around the time of Galileo, surely.

0:22:590:23:02

It was indeed, the early 17th century.

0:23:020:23:05

But he wouldn't have spoken English,

0:23:050:23:06

so why would he have changed his name to moon-starer?

0:23:060:23:09

Yeah, this is an example of an anagram. He...

0:23:090:23:12

Oh!

0:23:120:23:13

He didn't use English anagrams, he used...?

0:23:130:23:16

Gree...Latin.

0:23:170:23:19

Latin, very good. There he is.

0:23:190:23:23

Why would they have used ars magna, great art, in that?

0:23:230:23:27

-Oh, and that's moon is the ars.

-And ars magna is?

0:23:270:23:29

-And then magna is...

-Is an anagram of anagrams.

0:23:290:23:33

ALL: Oh.

0:23:330:23:34

-So, yes. But anyway, why...

-Well, because the Church took a dim view of...

0:23:340:23:37

Not because of the Church, although the Church did take a dim view of what he did.

0:23:370:23:41

I like his very casual approach to the telescope.

0:23:410:23:43

-He's just sort of...

-Yeah.

0:23:430:23:45

Now I'm going to have a cigarette and now I'm going to look again.

0:23:450:23:48

Was it just to make the whole thing more fun?

0:23:480:23:50

If only it was that.

0:23:500:23:51

In fact, even in his day, there was scientific rivalry.

0:23:510:23:55

So if you discovered something

0:23:550:23:56

and you wanted to tell a friend about it and you didn't want

0:23:560:23:59

anyone else to intercept the news, you gave it in anagram form.

0:23:590:24:03

Oh, it's like codes at school.

0:24:030:24:04

Yes, it is. Exactly that, yeah.

0:24:040:24:06

Do you think they ever used to, like, rub around the telescope with

0:24:060:24:09

ink and then run away and then he'll go, "Oh, what's that?

0:24:090:24:12

"Oh, no, my eye! Oh, that's trickery."

0:24:120:24:14

Who was his great rival and friend?

0:24:140:24:16

Is it an anagram?

0:24:160:24:17

I'm going to say Copernicus.

0:24:170:24:19

No, no, it wasn't Copernicus. It was Kepler.

0:24:190:24:21

And he sent him an anagram

0:24:210:24:23

because he had discovered the rings of Saturn in 1610.

0:24:230:24:26

ALAN CHORTLES

0:24:260:24:28

No, not Saturn, that's Uranus!

0:24:280:24:30

Oh, yeah. Sorry, I'm laughing at the wrong one.

0:24:300:24:33

-It's not the right planet, but it's still funny.

-I knew one of them was funny.

0:24:350:24:39

And he sent Kepler this.

0:24:390:24:41

-Oh, my!

-Ah, "smaismrm..."

0:24:430:24:44

-Oh. Yeah.

-Yes.

0:24:440:24:46

-"Nugttauriras..."

-Great.

0:24:460:24:47

Stick that where the sun don't shine.

0:24:470:24:49

-It's pretty obvious what he's putting there.

-Yeah.

0:24:490:24:52

-That's...

-I feel embarrassed asking you to say what it is.

0:24:520:24:56

0:24:560:24:57

It's more important that the audience work it out.

0:24:570:25:00

-Yeah, you're right.

-I don't want to spoil the joy for them all.

0:25:000:25:03

You're right.

0:25:030:25:04

It's a Latin phrase, it actually is an anagram...

0:25:040:25:06

I have discovered the rings of Saturn.

0:25:060:25:08

Yes, it is that. Altissimum planetam tergeminum observavi.

0:25:080:25:14

-OK.

-"I have observed the highest planet to be triplets."

0:25:140:25:17

-Seen it.

-I know.

-Does he mean he's seen the moons of it, or something? What does he mean by triplets?

0:25:170:25:21

He thought they were moons, but in fact we now know them to be rings.

0:25:210:25:24

That must have been so exciting. Do you not think?

0:25:240:25:26

It must have been so thrilling, just that one moment

0:25:260:25:29

when that suddenly has happened and nobody else has seen it.

0:25:290:25:32

I think it's quite clever, but they worked out they're planets

0:25:320:25:35

because they were moving across the sky and the stars weren't.

0:25:350:25:38

I think it was just the first thing that made them think something was afoot.

0:25:380:25:41

-Oh, I know, and that's what...

-That one's moved. Why has that star moved?

0:25:410:25:44

-It's not a star, it's Jupiter.

-Yeah.

0:25:440:25:46

-And planet is from the Greek for wanderer, it means a wanderer.

-Oh.

0:25:460:25:49

They do this thing, I don't know if they're still doing it,

0:25:490:25:52

but they did it for a long time, once a month in Reykjavik,

0:25:520:25:55

the government would turn out all the street lighting

0:25:550:25:57

and there would be a lecture on the public radio about the stars.

0:25:570:26:01

-And people would go outside.

-Oh, brilliant.

0:26:010:26:03

And they got rid of all the ambient light and you could look up and listen to the lecture

0:26:030:26:06

-about what you were looking at. Do you not think that would be a wonderful thing?

-That is brilliant.

0:26:060:26:11

-Yeah.

-Yeah, I love that.

-But in terms of anagrams, this isn't an anagram, it's actually

0:26:110:26:15

a limerick composed by someone, which I invite you to recite to me.

0:26:150:26:20

See if you can.

0:26:200:26:21

Uh?

0:26:210:26:22

Yes. That's a shock, isn't it?

0:26:220:26:25

-Yes.

-And you can do it.

0:26:250:26:27

-Can you?

-Yes.

-Yep.

-Yes, you can, it is a limerick.

0:26:270:26:29

-OK. OK.

-Right.

0:26:290:26:30

You have to ask yourself what these number are, in fact.

0:26:300:26:33

-They have some other...

-A dozen and 12 dozen.

0:26:330:26:35

Ah! Yeah, 12, but 144 is also called a...?

0:26:350:26:38

A gross.

0:26:380:26:40

So a dozen, a gross, a score,

0:26:400:26:43

plus three times the square root of four... SUSAN LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

0:26:430:26:48

..divided by seven. You're all right, you're doing well.

0:26:480:26:50

Plus five.

0:26:500:26:52

Well, calm down. I might have to slap you.

0:26:520:26:55

Yes!

0:26:550:26:57

Are you all right?

0:26:590:27:00

The episode of QI where Stephen just slaps me.

0:27:000:27:03

It's not enough to be a limerick, it has to be true.

0:27:050:27:07

What's nine squared?

0:27:070:27:09

-81.

-Yeah.

0:27:090:27:10

And as you know, 12 + 144 + 20 + 3...

0:27:100:27:14

x the square root of four ¸ 7 + 5 x 11 is 81.

0:27:140:27:19

-136.

-81.

0:27:190:27:21

No, 81. So, say it again now as a limerick. You can do it now.

0:27:210:27:24

-Yes, yes.

-Go on.

-Go on, then, Susan.

-Argh!

0:27:240:27:26

A dozen... A dozen...

0:27:270:27:29

A dozen, a gross and a score

0:27:290:27:31

Plus three times the square root of four

0:27:310:27:34

Divided by seven

0:27:340:27:35

Plus five times eleven

0:27:350:27:37

Equals nine squared plus not a bit more.

0:27:370:27:41

There you are, well done!

0:27:410:27:42

APPLAUSE

0:27:420:27:44

It was a guy called Leigh Mercer who came up with that. It's rather good.

0:27:480:27:51

-12 + 1 = 11 + 2.

-It does.

0:27:510:27:54

Yeah, but in what other ways does 12 + 1 = 11 + 2?

0:27:540:27:58

-Oh, is it an anagram, then?

-They're anagrams of each other.

0:27:580:28:01

"Twelve plus one" written out is an anagram of "eleven plus two".

0:28:010:28:05

0:28:050:28:09

These were worked out by Nelson Mandela on Robben Island.

0:28:090:28:13

-I think they're rather fabulous, so there.

-They're marvellous.

0:28:130:28:17

All right, OK.

0:28:170:28:19

Now, what's the biggest mistake anyone's ever made with a pencil?

0:28:190:28:23

Hmm.

0:28:230:28:24

Oh, I say.

0:28:240:28:25

Oh, no, it's got to be a miscalculation or something.

0:28:250:28:28

Well, ah, you'd... "Ah, aah..."

0:28:280:28:30

"Yeah. Aah..."

0:28:300:28:31

MORE IMPRESSION: "Aah, aah, now, now..."

0:28:310:28:34

0:28:340:28:36

It's not a, it's not a historical miscalculation?

0:28:360:28:39

No, it's astonishing.

0:28:390:28:40

It took place in New York... HE GRUNTS LOUDLY

0:28:400:28:42

..in the '90s, I think it was.

0:28:420:28:44

-I'll tell you exactly...

-All right, Stephen?

0:28:440:28:46

Was that a pencil there?

0:28:460:28:48

Yeah. Just testing...

0:28:480:28:49

Were you miscalculating with a pencil there, sir?

0:28:490:28:51

I eased it in.

0:28:530:28:54

I eased it in and it was all fine.

0:28:550:28:58

Chapter four, I eased it in and it was all fine.

0:28:580:29:01

In 1998, there was a problem with pencils.

0:29:030:29:05

-"Problem with pencils."

-"Problem with pencils."

0:29:050:29:08

"A pencil problem," basically, yeah.

0:29:080:29:10

There's no reason for you to guess what it was.

0:29:100:29:13

I went to the Pencil Museum in Keswick. What a museum that is!

0:29:130:29:18

-Ah.

-No, it's seriously...

0:29:180:29:20

They've got a hall of fame of famous people that have visited.

0:29:200:29:23

-Phill Jupitus is on it.

-I've been there.

-It is a very good museum.

0:29:230:29:26

-It's a fabulous place.

-Ah, fabulous. It's not that.

0:29:260:29:29

It was pencils given to children.

0:29:290:29:31

Ah, drugs. Was it the one...?

0:29:310:29:33

Time for drugs!

0:29:330:29:35

I know what it was, they printed, for children,

0:29:370:29:39

pencils that said "do not use drugs" on them,

0:29:390:29:41

and when they sharpened them, eventually it said "use drugs."

0:29:410:29:44

-Oh, you've dropped one.

-Ah.

0:29:440:29:46

-You're right.

-Very good, very good.

0:29:460:29:48

-Here they are.

-That's "hil-ah-rious".

0:29:480:29:50

They say here, "Too cool to do drugs."

0:29:500:29:54

You shave it and it goes, "cool to do drugs."

0:29:540:29:57

"Cool to do drugs."

0:29:570:29:59

And then you shave it again and it goes, "do drugs."

0:29:590:30:01

-Yes!

-Do drugs.

-There you are.

0:30:010:30:03

It was a bit of a mistake,

0:30:030:30:06

but well done, Sandi. So, other mistakes include, in 1945,

0:30:060:30:10

the Arkansas legislature accidentally repealed all their laws at once.

0:30:100:30:15

With a pencil?

0:30:150:30:17

No, they had an act with the words - "All laws and parts of laws,

0:30:170:30:22

"and particularly Act 33 of the Acts of 1941, are hereby repealed."

0:30:220:30:26

They just meant the particular one, but it legally meant all their laws.

0:30:260:30:32

And then in 2003, the German agency responsible for TV licences

0:30:320:30:36

sent a series of reminders to St Walpurga, to pay her licence fee.

0:30:360:30:41

She died in 777.

0:30:430:30:45

Never having paid for her licence!

0:30:460:30:49

No. It didn't stop them asking.

0:30:490:30:51

And then in the Australian Morning Bulletin,

0:30:510:30:54

which of course is called The Bully,

0:30:540:30:57

they said there was an error

0:30:570:30:59

printed in a story titled Pigs Float Down The Dawson, on page

0:30:590:31:03

11 of yesterday's Bully. The story, by reporter Daniel Burdon, said

0:31:030:31:07

that "more than 30,000 pigs were floating down the Dawson River."

0:31:070:31:12

Actually, what the owner of the piggery said was,

0:31:120:31:15

that "30 sows and pigs".

0:31:150:31:17

LAUGHTER

0:31:170:31:19

"We'd like to apologise for the error."

0:31:220:31:25

Rather tragically, a group of volunteers in 1992 in France,

0:31:250:31:28

who had volunteered to get rid of graffiti in the caves.

0:31:280:31:31

-And they had a great big scrub away at a cave and...

-Oh...

0:31:310:31:36

Oh, no, not ancient cave paintings!

0:31:360:31:38

-..got rid of a 15,000-year-old bison painting.

-Oh, no!

0:31:380:31:41

Exactly!

0:31:410:31:42

-You'd be really kicking yourself after that.

-Yeah. Oops! Yeah.

0:31:420:31:46

I was telling you about the law in Ireland recently.

0:31:460:31:49

There were two within the one week.

0:31:490:31:51

-The first one was where drugs were legal for 48 hours.

-Oh, yes.

0:31:510:31:55

And people, like, just went nuts. Well, they didn't go nuts.

0:31:550:31:57

The said, "We're going to go nuts, but we won't really,

0:31:570:32:00

"just in case we get in trouble."

0:32:000:32:01

And then the other one was the translation of the Marriage Act

0:32:010:32:05

-in English, the translation in Gaelic...

-Mmm.

0:32:050:32:09

..technically, because of the way it was worded,

0:32:090:32:11

forbid marriage between a man and a woman.

0:32:110:32:14

It said "marriage is between men or women,

0:32:140:32:18

"but it's not between men and women."

0:32:180:32:20

So it technically made all marriage illegal.

0:32:200:32:22

They had to twist that one as well.

0:32:220:32:24

So, now, why did a failure to sell mirrors

0:32:240:32:27

massively improve modern media?

0:32:270:32:30

Because you can't put a mirror on a selfie stick.

0:32:300:32:32

Is that it?

0:32:320:32:34

Well, selfies, oddly enough, are rather close to it.

0:32:340:32:37

-A medieval version of selfies, at least.

-Medieval?

0:32:370:32:40

We're going back to the mid-15th century.

0:32:400:32:44

-People used to go on...?

-Pilgrimages.

0:32:440:32:46

Pilgrimages.

0:32:460:32:47

And a pilgrimage was a visit to a holy place, where there would be...

0:32:470:32:52

Sandwiches.

0:32:520:32:54

There would be sandwiches, but what were you going to see?

0:32:540:32:57

-Some kind of shrine or something.

-Shrine, a shrine, relics.

0:32:570:33:00

-Shrine. Oh, relics.

-Relics.

-I love a good relic.

0:33:000:33:02

Bones, material, bits of beard, bits of body,

0:33:020:33:05

bits of the true cross, bits of all kinds of stuff.

0:33:050:33:08

-Porn.

-Yeah.

-And they were so popular that you might go there

0:33:080:33:11

and you couldn't even get close to it.

0:33:110:33:13

So you'd hold up a selfie stick, as it were.

0:33:130:33:15

It wouldn't be a selfie stick.

0:33:150:33:17

It would be a box with a lid and the lid was a mirror.

0:33:170:33:21

And the mirror would see the relic.

0:33:210:33:24

And the beams and the rays would hit the mirror

0:33:240:33:27

and go down into the box and you'd close the box and you'd go home

0:33:270:33:30

and it contained the images, in your head at least, of the holy relics.

0:33:300:33:35

-Did it, really?

-Seriously, one of the best pieces

0:33:350:33:37

-of medieval marketing I've ever heard.

-Yeah.

0:33:370:33:40

Yes. And this particular man was making mirrors.

0:33:400:33:44

And he made these mirrors for Aachen,

0:33:440:33:47

and Aachen had Mary's robe from the night Jesus was born.

0:33:470:33:50

0:33:500:33:52

It had the cloth in which John the Baptist's head was wrapped,

0:33:520:33:55

after he was decapitated.

0:33:550:33:58

The loincloth Jesus wore on the cross.

0:33:580:34:00

0:34:000:34:04

go to Aachen, but unfortunately he didn't sell any.

0:34:040:34:08

So he went back to his home town of Mainz,

0:34:080:34:11

and in 1450 he produced something that changed the world for ever.

0:34:110:34:17

A print, a stamp, a print version, Stephen, of what they'd see in...

0:34:170:34:23

-Print...

-And it was stamped.

-Postcards.

0:34:230:34:26

No, Sandi, that's kind of my idea. No.

0:34:260:34:28

- Souvenir mugs. - No.

0:34:280:34:29

He created printing. He created the printed word.

0:34:290:34:32

-MAN IN AUDIENCE:

-Johan Gutenberg.

-Thank you, audience.

0:34:320:34:35

APPLAUSE

0:34:350:34:36

He's Johannes Gutenberg. In 1450, he created the Gutenberg Bible,

0:34:390:34:42

and then other books he created.

0:34:420:34:44

-Oh, yes.

-It changed the world totally.

0:34:440:34:46

But unfortunately, the mistake was he went to basically

0:34:460:34:48

a kind of Dragons' Den, who funded him.

0:34:480:34:52

He took a wine press,

0:34:520:34:53

he converted the wine press into a letter press, to create books.

0:34:530:34:57

And then he had a Duncan Bannatyne character, "I'm out. Out."

0:34:570:35:00

-But his investors...

-"Don't like it, never take off, I liked your mirrors better.

0:35:000:35:04

-"No. I'm out."

-Well, they, unfortunately they took all the money, the investors,

0:35:040:35:07

the dragons took all the money. He died destitute in 1468. Very sad.

0:35:070:35:12

The most influential figure of his age, in those terms.

0:35:120:35:15

One of the first printers in Britain was called Wynkyn de Worde.

0:35:150:35:18

-Yes, he was.

-Don't you think that's so delightful?

0:35:180:35:21

-There's a society, a Wynkyn society.

-Wynkyn society, yeah.

0:35:210:35:23

And then, of course, Caxton was the other great one.

0:35:230:35:26

But, yeah.

0:35:260:35:27

Before he invented the printing press,

0:35:270:35:29

Gutenberg was a failed mirror-maker.

0:35:290:35:31

And so we enter the mad world of mangled misconceptions that we

0:35:310:35:35

call General Ignorance.

0:35:350:35:37

And, given the show's theme,

0:35:370:35:40

we've even spent a bit of money on a mathematical machine.

0:35:400:35:43

Ooh!

0:35:430:35:45

Yeah, you'll be impressed with that.

0:35:450:35:47

Ooh.

0:35:470:35:48

It looks like a happy face that's taken a lot of drugs.

0:35:480:35:51

LAUGHTER

0:35:510:35:52

-It does a bit, doesn't it?

-Yeah.

0:35:520:35:54

-It's lovely.

-But what is it, Stephen?

0:35:540:35:57

Well, I just want to know who first proved the theorem

0:35:570:35:59

that this model demonstrates.

0:35:590:36:01

-Pythagoras.

-Pythagoras.

0:36:010:36:03

KLAXON

0:36:030:36:04

Oh!

0:36:040:36:06

My grandfather, who was from Hungary,

0:36:090:36:11

always pronounced it "Peeta-goras."

0:36:110:36:14

"So that at school doing the mathematics,

0:36:140:36:16

"are you studying Peeta-goras?"

0:36:160:36:18

And I thought this man, Peter Goras, who was Peter?

0:36:180:36:21

No, it wasn't Peter Goras who first proved it.

0:36:210:36:25

-Oh.

-What is it, the theorem that needs to be discussed here?

0:36:250:36:29

A squared equals B squared plus C squared.

0:36:290:36:31

-Yeah, yeah, it's...

-The sum of the two, the squared of two smaller sides.

0:36:310:36:34

The sum on the two squares is equal to the sum on the hypotenuse, exactly.

0:36:340:36:37

Yeah, that big one should go into the other two.

0:36:370:36:39

So you can see here, the yellow, that's the triangle.

0:36:390:36:42

These are its two sides.

0:36:420:36:44

And these are the squares of the two sides,

0:36:440:36:46

they are literally geometrically expressed as squares,

0:36:460:36:49

rather than just mathematically, as if that was, say, X,

0:36:490:36:52

it's just not X squared, but it is literally the square, there.

0:36:520:36:56

And there's Y squared.

0:36:560:36:58

And it's supposedly equal to Z squared, which is

0:36:580:37:01

the longest side, the hypotenuse.

0:37:010:37:02

Because here's the right angle, here.

0:37:020:37:05

These are not right angles, obviously.

0:37:050:37:07

And there's that. How can we show they're equal?

0:37:070:37:10

Well, there are all kinds of ways, but here's one way.

0:37:100:37:13

0:37:130:37:15

Oh, yes.

0:37:150:37:16

THEY BANG THE DESKS

0:37:160:37:17

All right, let's go.

0:37:170:37:19

Ooh.

0:37:210:37:22

Oh, that's very clever.

0:37:230:37:25

There it goes, pouring into the first square.

0:37:250:37:27

-Wow!

-Expensive.

-Is it going to fill it up?

0:37:270:37:29

-Wow.

-Shut the front door!

0:37:290:37:31

-Oh, Well, it definitely equals X squared.

-Yes.

0:37:310:37:34

Does it equal Y squared as well?

0:37:340:37:36

I need to go to the toilet.

0:37:360:37:37

LAUGHTER

0:37:370:37:38

There's Y squared, it's filling up, it's filling up,

0:37:390:37:42

it's filling up, it's full. And there it is.

0:37:420:37:44

Hurray!

0:37:440:37:46

APPLAUSE

0:37:460:37:47

Isn't that satisfactory?

0:37:490:37:50

Highly satisfactory.

0:37:520:37:54

It's the first theorem most people learn at school.

0:37:540:37:56

It's Pythagoras's theorem by name,

0:37:560:37:59

but it wasn't, it was used many, many years before him - people used

0:37:590:38:03

it to build buildings and Euclid demonstrated it before him.

0:38:030:38:07

But we give it the name of Pythagoras.

0:38:070:38:09

Who is Euclid, then? He was even before?

0:38:090:38:11

-He's the father of mathematics.

-Euclid?

0:38:110:38:13

-Oh, was he?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Oh, Euclid, yes.

0:38:130:38:15

Before him, nothing.

0:38:150:38:17

The greatest. Yeah, well done to Euclid, we love Euclid.

0:38:170:38:20

So, let's take this model away. Let's hear it for him.

0:38:200:38:23

APPLAUSE

0:38:230:38:24

Now, by the end of Elizabeth I's reign, there was

0:38:290:38:33

a really extraordinary number of English dukes.

0:38:330:38:35

Five points for every one you can name.

0:38:350:38:38

-OK.

-Norfolk.

0:38:380:38:40

KLAXON

0:38:400:38:43

-Cambridge.

-Cambridge?

0:38:440:38:46

KLAXON

0:38:460:38:49

Erm, Hazzard. Dukes Of Hazzard.

0:38:490:38:51

Hazzard?

0:38:510:38:52

KLAXON

0:38:520:38:54

APPLAUSE

0:38:540:38:56

Is it some devilish trick and there aren't any at all?

0:38:590:39:01

I said it was an extraordinary number.

0:39:010:39:03

-The extraordinary number is none, exactly.

-Ah! Well done.

0:39:030:39:07

No dukes.

0:39:070:39:08

Can't believe I fell for that one.

0:39:100:39:12

By the end of her reign, there were certainly no royal dukes

0:39:130:39:16

because royal dukes are the issue of the monarch, essentially, and there

0:39:160:39:21

weren't any because Queen Elizabeth was a virgin queen and didn't marry.

0:39:210:39:25

And there were also no other dukes.

0:39:250:39:28

Are dukes always the children of the queen or king?

0:39:280:39:31

Royal dukes are, but other dukes aren't.

0:39:310:39:33

We have dukes of Marlborough, dukes of Buccleuch and so on.

0:39:330:39:36

And they were always into music

0:39:360:39:38

and that's where you get the duke box, which is...?

0:39:380:39:41

-I think you've understood it 100%.

-Yep.

0:39:420:39:45

There weren't very many peers by the time Queen Elizabeth died.

0:39:460:39:50

There was one marquess, 18 earls and 37...

0:39:500:39:52

Wigan Pier.

0:39:520:39:54

That hadn't been built yet, so even that didn't exist.

0:39:540:39:57

I know, it was a shocking thing, but, yeah.

0:39:570:39:59

The best peerage joke connected to Queen Elizabeth I

0:39:590:40:03

was told by John Aubrey, whose diaries are fantastic.

0:40:030:40:06

This involves the Earl of Oxford,

0:40:060:40:07

who some people think wrote the plays of Shakespeare.

0:40:070:40:10

He didn't.

0:40:100:40:11

He wrote this - "this Earl of Oxford, making his low obeisance to

0:40:130:40:17

"Queen Elizabeth, happened to let a fart, at which he was

0:40:170:40:22

"so abashed and ashamed that he went to travel seven years.

0:40:220:40:25

"On his return, the queen welcomed him home and said,

0:40:280:40:32

"'My Lord, I had forgot the fart.'"

0:40:320:40:35

Well, there you are. Yeah, good.

0:40:370:40:39

In the early 17th century, there were no dukes in England at all.

0:40:390:40:42

And that is very nearly all we have time for. However, we still

0:40:420:40:46

have to see if the QI audience has solved the sweet-jar challenge.

0:40:460:40:51

Because what we wanted to do was to take their average.

0:40:510:40:55

The idea is that we would arrive at the wisdom of crowds.

0:40:550:40:59

It was a man called Francis Galton who first came up with that phrase.

0:40:590:41:03

He went to a fair where there was weighing the pig

0:41:030:41:07

and no-one individually got it right,

0:41:070:41:09

but he noticed that if you added up all the guesses

0:41:090:41:12

-and divided them to get the average it was exactly on the weight.

-Wow.

0:41:120:41:17

We're hoping we'll get that here. So, reveal yourselves.

0:41:170:41:20

What have you come up with?

0:41:200:41:23

1,500.

0:41:230:41:24

6,024,000.

0:41:240:41:26

I've put 1,000 underneath,

0:41:270:41:29

though, cos I realised I'd really miscalculated when I saw Sandi's.

0:41:290:41:32

-Right.

0:41:320:41:37

-1,966. 12.

-Yeah, just in case.

0:41:370:41:40

Just in case what?

0:41:400:41:42

Just in case what I see isn't what it appears to be.

0:41:420:41:45

Or...

0:41:450:41:47

Ah, clever!

0:41:470:41:49

Clever, clever, clever.

0:41:490:41:51

OK, so, the average of the audience's guess is 2,412.

0:41:510:41:58

The actual number of Smarties in that jar is 3,890.

0:41:580:42:05

So, the audience are the closest. Congratulations.

0:42:050:42:09

APPLAUSE

0:42:090:42:11

And that concerns the wisdom of crowds.

0:42:110:42:13

So, the time has come to tally up the scores.

0:42:140:42:17

Oh, my actual, oh, my actual.

0:42:170:42:19

So, in first place, with a magnificent two points,

0:42:190:42:23

it's Aisling Bea!

0:42:230:42:24

Oh!

0:42:240:42:25

APPLAUSE

0:42:250:42:27

And with an earth-shattering zero, it's Sandi Toksvig.

0:42:290:42:34

APPLAUSE

0:42:340:42:36

A more than respectable minus six, Susan Calman.

0:42:380:42:41

APPLAUSE

0:42:410:42:42

And on his terms, really quite handsome, minus 43,

0:42:460:42:50

Alan Davies.

0:42:500:42:51

APPLAUSE

0:42:510:42:53

So, it's goodnight from Susan, Sandi, Aisling, Alan and me.

0:42:580:43:02

And I'll leave you with this dark observation from Joseph Stalin.

0:43:020:43:06

My favourite dictator.

0:43:060:43:08

"The people who cast the votes decide nothing.

0:43:080:43:12

"The people who count the votes decide everything." Goodnight.

0:43:120:43:16

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:160:43:18