03/12/2013 The One Show

Hello and welcome to the One Show with Matt Baker. And Alex Jones. Our

guest tonight is Madonna. She's also Mel C, Cher and Joan Crawford. Not

to mention Sigourney Weaver, Mel Gibson, Kate Winslet, Dame Maggie

Smith, Meryl Streep, and Bono. Oh, and Gandalf. Until you arrive, life

here has been so naturalistic. Tonight she's her Absolutely

Fabulous self - it's Jennifer Saunders.

APPLAUSE it is great to see you. We read

somewhere that you said it is easier to play old. I plucked my chin

tonight just for you. I didn't have to grow the beard, they stuck it

on. I wasn't so bad in that make up, they have done worse than that. You

have played so many characters, did you and Dawn ever argue about who

would be who. Sometimes we used to write sketches and forget who was

who. I would say, "no, I am woman number one" and we would argue about

that. And did you ever wish you were woman number one? In one piece we

did we had to record it twice because they changed our characters

halfway through and I became the unfunny one. I have just ripped my

shirt! Jennifer has written her autobiography - Bonkers - and later

we'll find out how she actually shot one of her famous co-stars. With a

gun. No joke. On Friday we followed the crew of

HMS Illustrious as they raced to help those affected by the recent

devastating storm in the Philippines. They're not the only

people over there trying to make a difference. Here's Tony with two

more stories from the heart of the relief effort.

Less than a month ago the Philippines was hit by Typhoon

Haiyan, the most powerful in the country's history. Millions were

left homeless. The city of Tacloban was particularly badly hit. The One

Show asked British aid workers to keep a video diary. This is Cat, she

is based a few miles from Tacloban airport, her job is to help people

who have been orphaned. On a visit to one women's shelter, she met a

little girl who had lost everything. We came across a little

girl who is apparently eight years old but I think she has been

malnourished for some time. She has two wounds on her head, they need

closing but she doesn't know where to go. I am going to describe it to

our doctors to find out what they recommend. Carmela, who runs the

refuge, explained how the eight-year-old have managed to

survive the typhoon. Luck she survived the water holding a chair,

and after that she found out that her parents and brothers and sisters

were gone. Tom organises the statistics of getting the vital aid

to the needy. His team and our emergency aid kits including soap

and toilet roll. These kits will complement the food and water that

have been provided so it is really good the military are here helping.

With the Filipino Army giving out emergency food rations, things are

getting pretty crowded. It is good in the respect that people are

getting food, so when we come to give the household kits and the

hygiene kits, it will complement that. The Disasters Emergency

Committee says the British public have raised ?70 million since

Typhoon Haiyan. It has helped 700,000 Filipinos, they have

estimated. We need to distribute as much as possible as quickly as

possible. A hazard for the aid workers are the diseases that spread

quickly in the damp conditions. I have got flu which effectively means

I am out of action for at least a couple of days and we realised it is

because I have spent a lot of time in evacuation centres with kids who

have the flow so they have dosed me up with some things and I have got

to let it play itself out but I feel like we are losing valuable time. I

am just unable to move. Where disaster strikes, aid workers

follow. Their work here will eventually be done, but at some

point it will be time to move onto the next one. Whatever or wherever

that may be. Thanks to Cat, Tom and all the

people doing selfless work over there. On Friday we asked for

stories of your own efforts helping the Philippines appeal. Jennifer has

got some here. The Association of Filipino British in Bristol have

raised ?5,000 through cake sales and collecting donations of clothes. A

student sent this photo of John Cowell attempting to break a record

for the greatest distance run on a treadmill in 12 hours. He ran 102.8

kilometres, raising more than ?7,000 for the Philippines typhoon. Finally

the London Welsh Male voice choir. Yes, John Downing from the London

Welsh Male voice choir sent this picture of him and his fellow

choristers ready to perform at a fundraising dinner in Romsey Abbey,

they raised ?32,000. We couldn't read them all out, but thank you

very much. You can still donate to the Disasters Emergency Comittee

appeal - details on our website. So you have written your autobiography,

Bonkers: My Life in Laughs, so we were wondering what took you so long

because Dawn got hers out... I am only 55! We wondered if it is this

procrastination that you do because you sweep up instead of writing. I

love sweeping, it is like a meditation, a kind of mindless

task. Obviously very important, but otherwise fairly mindless, and I

find that I think a lot when I am sweeping, vacuuming or power

washing. Let's talk hand hoovers! When I am not doing that, I wrote

this book. You talk about these pranks you did with Dawn, how

extreme did they get? Because we were students living in the same

flat and we get on extremely well, we had a lot of fun. In those days

you had to make your own fun, getting high on something else, and

that is basically making jokes. That is my dog whining over there. Look

at that picture! We look so young and actually quite drunk because

that is my 21st birthday party. We used to dress up as punks and try to

intimidate people on the tube. You would probably get arrested for that

now. Talk about the lulu incident. She was a regular guest on our show

and we always wanted her on, and we always decided we would kidnap her

as the... What is the movie? Pulp Fiction. You have read the book!

Thank you. We would -- decided we would shoot her with a gun, and she

had all these explosive lord charges all over her body, and they said to

her, when they explode, don't put your arms down by your side, and she

did. She did, and it blew a hole in her arm. She has had to have skin

grafts. Don't go on about it, Alex! She hasn't sued, what are you trying

to do? We are still friends. I cannot believe it has been 21 years

since the beginning of Absolutely Fabulous. It is incredible, we are

going to look at the very first episode. I will drink water. It is a

mixer, Patsy, we are having whiskey. You have given up drinking

before. The worst eight hours of my life. For fans of Absolutely

Fabulous, you cannot imagine anybody else than Joanna Lumley playing the

part, but originally she was not in the frame, was she? You have read

the book, thank you. Your research is quite right, she wasn't. I had

written the character as a lowlife journalist and had someone else in

mind completely. Then luckily that person wasn't available, and we got

Joanna. Was that person very different? I know you are dying to

know, I will tell you after. Earlier we heard some whining, this was

Olive, shall we get her in? Sporting a little snood. They are knitted by

the Greyhound rescue people. You were saying how you like to dress

her up, and we have a picture of her sporting a lovely scarf and a pair

of glasses. I'm guessing she didn't dress herself. She had a sitcom to

write. You make yourself at home, Olive. Isn't she lovely? She has

seen herself on television. Anyway, she is going to check the areas of

the studio that you need to sweep. John Sergeant has been to see the

life-saving work of an organisation that allows dogs to become blood

brothers. Watch this, you won't believe it.

This is Percy, a five-year-old golden sceptre and he is doing

something we often don't get round to in many cases, giving blood. It

will go to a charity that pass it onto vets around the country until

2005, animal welfare regulations prevented the storage of animal

blood. The charity was launched soon after these restrictions were

lifted. Wendy is the co-founder. What did vets do before? It could be

two o'clock in the morning when they needed blood and they were often

asking other owners if they could donate. And the moment the law

changed, you set up this blood bank for pets? Yes, allowing easy access

to blood. Like humans, there are different blood types. The blood

comes from donor sessions across the country, and it is processed and

used in thousands of operations each year, the length and breadth of the

UK. All thanks to dogs like these, they are among the 5000 canine

donors from across the country who give their blood to the blood bank.

I joined Jenny Walton as she prepared Percy, a very brave dog for

his donor session. Why is he taking it so well? He has been trained to a

certain degree. Some dogs are not so keen and the worst thing is the

noise of the clippers. He has a health check and he is tested to

make sure he is well enough, they want to make sure the blood years

passing on is safe. When I give blood, it is worth. Why do you want

Percy to be a blood donor? It is a feel-good factor, that you are

helping other dogs in the time of need. He is a bit of a hero will

stop their were 11 donors today, including McAfee, a golden

retriever. Health checks complete, it is time

to donate. He is remarkably calm. It makes you so proud. I burst into

tears the first time. I am so proud of him. Abe special award for being

the best dog blood donor I have come across. This dog would have died

without the blood bank. He has had nine transfusions for the he did not

eat his breakfast one morning, which is very unusual for him. -- he has

had nine transfusions. His system breaks down his red blood cells. We

did not know if he would survive. It is very upsetting. He is one of the

family. What do you think about the charity? Brilliant. Without people

taking dogs to donate blood, Eric would not be here today. Murphy, the

golden retriever, is next in line to donate a point of blood. When it is

over, there is no sign of any after-effects. He gets a bowl of

water, some food and a toy. It is the dog equivalent of a cup of tea

and some biscuits. More and more dogs are doing what Murphy has done.

Owners and vets are increasingly aware that these blood donations can

really save the lives of many, many dogs who, in the past, would simply

have been allowed to die. Live loved that. She was not too sure until she

saw the toy. Is it just dogs that can give blood? Hamsters are all the

rage. There has recently been a pilot scheme for cats. Watch this

face the details. I was with a dog who had a shoulder replacement.

There are all these human procedures that are now coming in for our pets.

The Royal College of veterinary surgeons gave the go-ahead for the

first kidney transplant for cats. It had to be ethically acceptable. Up

to date not a single transplant has taken place in the UK and they have

suspended it pending a review. American vets have done arena

transplant with cats. The donor cat is a stray cat and the conditions

are, if a stray cat is giving a kidney, it has to be adopted by the

family who are receiving the kidney on behalf of the cat. Pet owners can

donate tissue and bone. They can donate tendons and ligaments from

their poor departed animal. But was run over earlier this year. His leg

was broken in five places. He received a bone graft. Nine months

later, he was incarcerated in his cell for nine weeks but he is making

a really good recovery. We have donor cards. You can register your

dog, Jennifer, are you listening? There are donor cards. Where do you

draw the line? How extreme do you go with procedures for your pets?

Especially if life expectancy is only short, I think it is odd. Maybe

if people had valuable animals, may be breeding animals, I could

understand it like that. I am a sucker for live. When Jennifer and

her contemporaries burst out of the alternative comedy scene in the

1980s, it was bad news for one particular comedian. But the

slickest showman on telly managed to bounce back. Here's Ruth Goodman on

his remarkable life. In this has lived a plump boy that locals

laughed at. When I said I wanted to become a comedian, everyone laughed.

They are not laughing now. Bob Monkhouse became one of the biggest

and slickest entertainers on Saturday night television. I love

the BBC. This is like home. The food is loudly and nobody talks to me.

Life in a well -- life did not begin so smoothly when he was born in

Beckenham in 1928. A thyroid problem meant he was overweight and made fun

of. I got the impression it was not a happy childhood and he would

retreat from life. If he had a pen in his hand, he was happy. In his

early teens, he was drawing cartoons. He got his cartoons

published at the age of 12. It was telling jokes to friends and family

that got the best laughs. He used humour to prevent barracking that he

would have got at school. As he became thinner, he decided he likes

getting laughs. By 15, he had sold gags to his stand-up heroes. Soon he

was treading the boards himself -- himself. Comedy, when Bob started,

was a very working class medium. Coming from a different background

and starting slightly posher come he really was a fish out of water. His

father was an accountant and his mother came from a really nice

background. It was pure tenacity and drive that kept him going. His

middle-class roots would come in handy for his next goal, BBC Radio.

When he was called up for national service at the aria essential

medical establishment in London, he used his position to get an audition

for the BBC. He got a blank page with a signature. To that, he wrote

a letter to the BBC, telling them that this airman was suffering from

terrible nerves and ought to be able to get an audition for radio. It

worked and they loved him. He got into show business by a little

forgery. By the 1970s he was one of the hottest and highest game show

hosts on television. When alternative comedy arrived in the

80s, his comic genius was forgotten. He was called smarmy and insincere.

He said mother-in-law jokes do not get laughs any more. He felt this

would be the time to be developed his routines and so he did. The king

of the one-liner now held court on editions of Have I Got News For

capital U. His new Renaissance were suddenly to be cut short. He died of

cancer in 2003. He was gags have outlived him to this day. This is

one of the famous joke books. All the jokes he ever needed, it used or

invented are in here. The handwriting is beautiful but also

profusely illustrated. For example, rather than scribbling their words,

farm, for a bunch of farm jokes, he has turned it into a cow. Do you

still use them? Absolutely. Recently, I needed a joke for Sir

Terry Wogan for Proms in the Park. I might go to M, in Rumania I attended

a concert attended by a three handed classical pianist. He does not play

better than anyone else but he can turn his own pages. The Beckenham

boy who started out feeling unloved really did have the last laugh with

his jokes standing the test of time. He is one of the faces that was

challenging the comedy establishment back then. Who is challenging view

these days? I do not think we are paired to be challenged any more. I

think it has happened. I think Miranda and Katie Wickes and Watson

and Oliver, I think they are the ones who have to worry now. I think

we are... You know, it is done. There is room for you all. It is a

thorny issue for some, but we'll be soon be living alongside some new

European neighbours when curbs on the migration of Romanians and

Bulgarians to the UK are lifted on January first. But how well do you

know the real Romanians? We asked a Romanian-born comedian to shatter a

few stereotypes. Hello. I am a Rumanian actress. I am

very happy to be doing the one show because normally I get asked to play

Eastern European pickpockets, vampires and sex traffic victims. I

am here to tell you ten facts about the mania. You probably think our

national dish is horse meat. -- Rumania. Of course it is not. Our

main dish is minced meat wrapped with cabbage leaves. We also make

some exquisite cakes. You may think we are vampires and drink blood but

our national drink is wine. We have the second largest building

in the world, built by Nikolai Ceausescu. He demolished one fifth

of Bucharest to make room for it. He was inspired by a visit by North

Korea. What a dream holiday that must have been! Romanians are very

hard-working. You may think of us as a Slavic

country that actually we are a night -- a Latin nation. We are quite

similar to you British fish and chip lovers. You have X Factor, we have X

Factor. You have written is got talent, we have Rumania has got

talent. We also have famous movie stars and producers. Durham call was

a child of a famous immigrant. -- Lauren Bacall.Thanks, Elena. You

have all heard of Oskar Schindler. A Rumanian doctors saved nearly 20,000

lives. There was no movie. You are probably thinking we will come over

here and steal your jobs. Do not worry, if you have no job, come to

Rumania and steal ours. We have the fastest-growing economy in the

Eastern Bloc. Please do not worry. I do not want your job, unless you are

a comedian. The fact is, we have been living here for years. Thank

you for this. Olive is having a little look at that. You can take

that home and do what you want with it. And thanks, Jennifer. Jennifer's

book, Bonkers, is out now. Tomorrow, comedy from Greg Davies, and Gordon

Ramsey will be here cooking up a whole Christmas dinner. I love my

job.