04/04/2012 The One Show

Hello and welcome to The One Show with Matt Baker. And Alex Jones.

Tonight's guest is no stranger to award ceremonies. He loves them so

much that he has decided to host his own. But tonight, we have got

some just for him. The award for the largest drumming baby known to

man. The award for worse sauna companion in history. And the award

for the best impersonation of a massive green bird. Please welcome

to receive all three, Matt Lucas! Unfortunately, we have not got

anything for you. But on your show, they win this lovely Lucas award.

Yes, it is like a fat Oscar. It is very tactile. And sadly,

anatomically correct. Is your bum that pert? I wish! There is a whole

line of merchandise. You could do bubble bath. We could. The way my

weight is at the moment, that is actually quite complimentary.

see truckers with them on their wing mirrors. You have got your

money involved in the show. Yes, I wanted to keep this one quite clean.

And I thought, when my mum is around, I do not want to say

anything stronger than cobblers. Good job we brought her tonight.

She's making herself at home. Speaking of awards, if you at home

have won something you are proud of, send us a picture of you and your

trophy. Then Mr Lucas will award an award for his favourite award. Got

that? Send them in to the usual address. Maybe Best's no man over

the Easter holiday. We are always hearing about how

many CCTV cameras we have in this country. These days, they are even

becoming popular as home security, but do they deter burglars? We sent

Dom Littlewood to put CCTV in the home under surveillance.

These days, you are never far from a CCTV camera. Increasingly, we are

bringing that technology into our homes. It is becoming a lot more

affordable. Whereas a system would have cost hundreds if not thousands,

nowadays you can pick up a CCTV camera for as little as 25 quid.

But is it worth it? Tony from Nottingham bought his CCTV system

following two berberis. I would open my front door to find the

living room empty of content, like television, surround-sound, DVD

recorder, Sky box had gone. Everything in the living room had

been taken. After that, I have fitted a CCTV system, and that was

on every time I left the house. Tony's cameras work using motion

sensors. After installing them, they were called into action. The

footage proved invaluable. You can see them picking the TV up. Then he

decides to go out of the window because the TV would not fit

through the front door. There was a camera in a box in the window, and

as he went out of the window, he knocked the box over and it caught

his face as he went backwards. Without the CCTV footage, there

would have been no conviction. this case, the burglar was arrested.

But having footage of a crime does not guarantee a successful result.

This recording shows a burglary that took place in Gloucestershire

in September 2010. The burglar made away with more than �10,000 in cash

and two expensive watches, but despite kneeling in front of the

camera, there have been no arrests to date. The Association of Chief

Police Officers say they consider the contribution of CCTV to the

detection of crime to be comparable to that of DNA and fingerprints.

The police frequently made use of it in their investigations. They

also thing visible CCTV may act as a deterrent to intruders or

burglars. But with few statistics available, some experts question

the value of domestic CCTV. I do not think there is any reliable

evidence that domestic CCTV will make people safer. People are

better off spending money on stopping people coming into the

house at all, rather than recording them while they are there.

installing a camera will not impact on your home insurance. Insurance

companies will not give you a discount if you have CCTV. Alarms,

decent door locks and a neighbourhood watch scheme will

reduce your premiums. CCTV cameras will not. If you are a homeowner

and you want to put up a CCTV system, do you need to tell the

council or have a licence? You do not need permission or a licence.

As long as you put up the CCTV on your land to protect your property,

in the majority of cases, you are safe. What if one of your

neighbours put say come up and you don't like it? It is all very well

if you live in the country and you do not have any immediate

neighbours. Difficulties arise when people live in terraced houses or

in the States, when you're CCTV camera points on to their property

and potentially looks into it. That is likely to be an area where there

will be disputes between neighbours. In certain circumstances, it may

mean the courts have to intervene. If you want to make your property

more secure, the advice is that looking at lights and locks is also

important. Visible cameras may be more of a deterrent than hidden

ones. If you are going to get one, I recommend having it installed by

a professional. Make sure it is recording good quality images. A

fuzzy picture is no use to anybody. Most of all, make sure the video

recorder is locked away securely, because that is the first in a

burglar will go for. Simon Boazman is here. The police

still have not caught the burka we saw in the CCTV footage, have they?

Know, and tonight we want The One Show viewers to turn crime fighter.

As we saw in the film, the person got away with �10,000 in cash and

two designer watches in a burglary in Discovery Road in Abbey Mead on

Wednesday September 15th, 2010. Any One Show viewer that might

recognise that person, compact Crimestoppers anonymously on

0800555111 and quote Gloucestershire police instant

number 475. Give us a two shot. Look! It is Grant and Phil off

EastEnders! As Dom was mentioning in the film, it is a good idea to

keep things simple with locks and security. Yes, when looking at home

security, the advice is to approach your home like a burglar. Get into

a burglar's mindset. These things are called burka strips. They go on

top of walls, gates and fences. They obviously deter burglars.

There are motion sensor lights. A well lit house will put people off.

CCTV cameras are good, but if you can't afford the real one, get a

fake one. That is much cheaper. Last, but not least, a good, solid

block. This is called a five lever mortise lock. If you have locks on

your doors and windows, you are six times less likely to be burgled.

Let's have a word about this. is an ingenious bit of kit. There

is a radar within six metres of your home. If you move your hand

towards it, you hear this. DOG BARKING.

That is the wrong sound. It should say "free chocolate at the corner

shop now!". Now, this is incredible technology.

It has been installed into somebody famous's house. No idea who's.

There is the coveted Lucas award. Any burglar would want to get their

hands on that. In he comes, going for the award. Look what happens.

This is actual technology out there right now. You did not just make

this up. It is called a fog cannon. They have it in galleries and

supermarkets. You can't have them installed in your home, you have to

get an approved company to install it. It is ingenious. You could do

what you like in house parties. sit under the telly? I would want

to be in the room with the burglar to see his face. If you thought

that was extraordinary, now for a story about a man who wants to jump

out of a helicopter without a parachute. Yes, Lucy Siegle meets

Gary Connery, no relation of Sean, who plans to make aviation history.

With 450 base jumps and around 880 skydives to his name, 42-year-old

Gary Connery is accustomed to extreme danger. He is, after all, a

professional stuntman for film and TV, seen falling from great heights.

Now this adrenaline junkie is about to attempt a world first. Weather

permitting, he will jump from a helicopter at 2400 feet. Although

he will be wearing a parachute, his intention is not to deploy it. The

jump is completely his own idea and not something The One Show has

asked him to do and clearly not something we advise anybody

watching to do. But Gary is adamant that he can land this jump safely.

Lovely to meet you. Is this the helicopter you will be throwing

yourself out of? Yes. I will be purged on the edge here. I will

stand up, check everything is good, and off I go. So the parachute is

in here? Can we have a look? This is my parachute. These are the

wings. And my feet end up in these. This is the back. And try to get my

head around the fact that this suit is all you have? Yes. There is my

magic carpet. The air rushes in to hear. This will inflate so that the

depth of it will be here. The fact that it is the size it it is what

allows me to fly. In terms of hitting the target, I know I can

position myself to be where I want to be. A helicopter will carry Gary

to a height of 2400 ft and will hover there. The distance from the

chopper to the landing spot will be 1.4 kilometres. Once out, part of

his wing suit will inflate to begin to slow him down. As he nears the

ground, Gary will slow to a horizontal speed of 50 miles an

hour. And 15 miles an hour downwards, which will be his

landing speed. So you will land on boxes? Yes. 18,600 of them. The

area that is my target will be 350 ft long, 40 ft wide and 12 ft deep.

When I am 5 ft to six feet off the boxes, I will scrunch up into a

ball, and that will allow me to protect myself to some extent, as I

would in any high fall. How do they break your fall? The box will

collapse under my weight, and the air dissipates. It provides a

lovely cushion. What do your family think of this? They are probably

proud that they can say, that was my dad. Her low, Lydia. So you are

Gary's stepdaughter. How do you feel about it? For me, it is normal

for him to do this because I have seen it for 16 years of my life.

Will you be there? Yes. How will you feel? Nervous, but hoping it

goes well. What makes you think this is a good idea? It is pushing

the boundaries. It is part of my make-up. I am now sticking my post

in the runway by being the first person to intentionally get out of

an aircraft and land without a parachute.

Remarkable. But due to the bad weather, it looks like Gary will

not be jumping until early next week. And on the weather, if you

have had the power restored to your house, lovely to have you with us.

Matt, we have an awards the going with our show today. But is the

heart of your programme? Yes. The Matt Lucas Awards starts on Tuesday

at 10:35pm on BBC One. There are lots of awards shows on TV, but we

give awards the other shows don't give. We don't give best actor or

best director, we give awards for things like this modest nation of

people, the most moreish foods. What won that? That would be

telling. And the most dreadful football song ever sung. We give

strange awards. We have three guests, and they each give their

nominations, and I decide what wins. The idea started on Radio 2 three

years ago. Like Little Britain, which also started on Radio, it has

transferred to TV. An integral part of the E24 your mum, who is sitting

comfortably over there. In he tell you he would have to dress up as

Jimmy Savile? He didn't. The whole thing was ad-libbed. He didn't tell

me anything. I had to do it off the top of my head. Be due endure it?

Her I had the greatest fun. It was great to work with Matt. And the

She is putting on a posh voice. put her in a kitchen? Yeah, because

people used to say, I like Little Britain, but it's a bit rude. Mum

was one of those, so I thought if she's there I won't be too rude.

You didn't swear. It's different, because there's no costumes or

make-up. It's me as myself. David's doing brilliantly, doing the show

that isn't the Voy and -- voice and writing his books and swimming

through poo and his wonderful things. This is my chance. We'll

have a little clip. Here's Richard Madeley. He was trying to win the

award for most comprehensive but most utterlyly useless knowledge,

singing every word to the Chattanooga Choo Choo. Keep

concentrating. Don't allow yourself to be distracted. Just, trifle

stare. You whistle, eight bar, then, no, not far. Shuttle, Cole, rolling,

you are. Keep going. APPLAUSE

. That was very difficult. It's like a chat show, but I wanted to

get people up doing things, so we have guests with the most useless

talent, or we did, because I'm a huge Beatles fan, so we had a

crapiest Beatles' song, so we all dressed at sergeant pepper. You've

had a lot of practice for being yourself. Was it different coming

from that side of things? It is weird. I put it in the flat to make

it feel as intimate and relaxed as possible. We are asking questions

to the audience. It was interesting for me not to have all the make-up

and things. It's nice sittinging on the sofa. -- it's nice sitting on

the sofa. It's next Tuesday, 10.35pm on BBC One. The next film

is about Dick Emery and we wondered if you would say the catchphrase.

On this camera. Oh, you are awful, but I like you. Dick's son, Nick

reminisces on what it was like growing up with the man whose

catchphrases entertained a generation. Throughout my childhood

my father was seldom off the television. He was doing comedy

sketches based on characters, which were slightly larger than life.

are awful, but I like you. James Maynard Kitchener Lampwick.

about one for the road. There was Hettie. You seem like a nice, young

man. If he was like any of them, he was like the tramp. Worldly wise,

he liked to think, slightly breaking the rules, and I think he

rather liked the idea of that, rules were made to be somewhat

broken. Dad loved anything with an engine. Motorbikes, aeroplanes,

boats. He had a go at anything that made a noise and went quickly.

mustn't forget our helmet. Being in this takes me right back to some of

the cars he had. So different to everybody else's mum and dad's Ford

Popular. Before all the cars, my earliest memories were of growing

up in the centre of London, around Shaftsbury Avenue and Cambridge

Circus. Over there is my old school. We had a playground on the roof. We

are coming up to the church I was taken to, and for some reason my

mother decided I ought to be vaguely religious, so I was taken

to Sunday school here. Behind it is the site of the flat where I grew

up. We moved to Thames dit on in 1960 and by that time by father's

career was really going places. The move was supposed to be the spark

of a new beginning for us, but after two years the marriage had

broken down completely and divorce was in the air, so it was a bit sad

really. Gosh, this brings back memories. I haven't been back here

for an awful long time. Goodness. I'm very nervous. Wow. Goodness me.

I'm filling up now. Oh, dear, blimey. I can still see as it was.

I remember the Christmas when we first came here. It was a lovely

time. The few photographs that I have got of us together as a family

were taken in this house. In that room. I never thought I would stand

in this house again. Ever. My parents divorced in 1962. The

school was difficult around the time of the divorce. A lot of

people were not as understanding in those days about a couple divorcing.

I certainly experienced quite a lot of bullying. You are marked out of

being different because of what your father does, so you become

isolated again because of another facet of their lives. My mother was

his third wife, it has to be remembered. He was a bit of a

serial husband. She never stopped him visiting. She encouraged me to

go and see him. Towards the end of his life we became closer. When he

died he was 67. The aftermath of the funeral was strange and in a

way quite hurtful. I got given a watch, which subsequently expired

and a tape recorder which I can hardly lift, but I've been carrying

it around rather like an albatross around my neck for years and years.

Every time I've moved it's come with me, because I can't bear to

get rid of it. It was his. Thank you so much to Nick for sharing his

memories with us. Matt, we were talking there. So many comedy

characters that you've come up with. Where do you start when you create

them? David and I, we often start with a kind of kernel of an idea,

something really small, like I can remember David saying that he was

at university and stuck for money and he went to the bank to ask for

a loan and the woman typed his details into the computer and then

said, "Let's see what the computer's got to say. ." The idea

that a woman deferred judgment to the computer was something that

really made David laugh and he told me this idea and told me, "I like

the idea of computer says no." It sometimes starts with the smallest

thing which you take and exaggerate. That has become a really successful

sketch. One of my favourites. Now, a new exhibition of the work of

Damien Hurst opened today. It featured dead insects, multi-

coloured spots and pickled animals. Our rez dent art -- our resident

artist Phil was not up for it, so we looked at nice paintings of Mary

Magdelyn instead. The Bible tells us she was present at two of the

most important moments in the story of Jesus. The cues the crucifixion

and the resurrection. Sister Wendy has searched through the art and

found two works that she feels shed light on the mysterious figure of

Mary Magdelyn. Good to see you again, Wendy. And you dear, Phil.

I've always loved this particular painting, partly because she is so

intense and serious. She knows what she's looking at, of course, which

is Jesus, but I also love the colour. I love her golden hair

cascading over her shoulders, which shows she is a young girl still.

She carried the vase of ointment to anoint Jesus and I love the pink.

The kind of avalanche of beautiful pink, which is the line of her

garment and the sleeves, which fit so well with her very fair skin and

golden hair. It looks a very posh robe. I think that's the artist

thinking it's one of her sinful women modes. It's the most

difficult of All Saints to speak about. In the gospels there are a

number of mentions of different women anointing Jesus, one of which

is described as a sinner. When this -- when this was painted all the

women were mistakenly thought to be Mary Magdelyn. The gospel of St

John gives us her fullest account. It was to Mary that Jesus first

chose to appear after his death, a pivotol moment in Christianity.

was the first one to see him and to tell the apos ills that she has

always been -- aposels that she was always important and then she was

important as a good image of how you can repent. She looks

enchanting. As very few saints do actually. Why not? It makes

holiness all the more attractive. I love it visually and I love it for

her spiritual earnestness. According to the Bible, Mary

Magdelyn was also present at the crucifixion of Jesus and it's a

depiction of this scene that is Sister Wendy's second choice.

you see why Mary Magdelyn mattered. Can you see there are only three

people there? Loyal to Jesus at the end. There's his mother, the virgin,

looking up at him. There is St John, the only apostle who stayed with

him and there at the foot, clutching the cross is Mary

Magdelyn, in that red robe, absolutely distraught with grief.

Jesus was dying and she wanted to be with him. Where are all the

others? They had runaway. They were frightened. They hid. Done a runner.

Yes. When, after the resurrection, Mary went and told them he had

risen, they didn't want to come out of their secret cave, as it were.

They didn't want to run the risk, but she did. She really, truly

loved him and sought him. Those three people there are the sort of

hardcore. Yes. They stayed. Yes. While everyone else has left.

Without them there probably wouldn't be a church, because they

stayed and they believed enough to stay. It's very moving how faithful

she was and I'm sure that's why she was the first person to whom Jesus

appeared when she rose. She is an inspiration to me. Is she one of

your favourites? Yes, because she was so brave and I feel I'm a

coward, you know. She was so brave and true. I would like to be like

that. I love her. She is a character. I want her to be my

sister. Brilliant. Thank you. Thanks for sending in all of your

wonderful pictures of you with your awards. We'll start with yours.

This is Willie King. That's from Scotland with his curling trophy,

after many, many years of trying. Well done, Willie. It's quite a

trophy. This is Karen McDonald. She won this at ballet and that's from

a very proud dad called Mark from Fife. You are judging these. This

is Robin with her star of the week from school. Love from proud dad

Rich, from Wigan. This is Harvey Johnson from Lincolnshire. Best

puppy in the class. Lovely. Anne Noble dancers. All the girls with

their winning trophies. I think we are going to have to give a Lucas

to Harvey Johnson the most adorable puppy.

APPLAUSE Genius. Thank you so much for