11/02/2013 The One Show

$:/STARTFEED. $:/STARTFEED. Hello and welcome to The One Show with

Matt Baker and Alex Jones. Tonight's guest is a comedian whose

comedy's become even more capital than usual.

I love all that stuff. I love all that with the cardinals, when they

need a new Pope, the big red things and they go in the room and black

smoke, new Pope white smoke and all the cardinals are there. From in

The Thick Of It and Mock The Week, it's Chris Addison.

APPLAUSE That was recorded a while back so

did you know something everybody else did? Well, I knew I was coming

on here. Sling your hook, I said to him. That's the story isn't it?

None of us have ever seen anything like it, nobody's under 60 years

old. That's the point -- 60 years old. You go on to say that the new

Pope would never be a black person or a wrom? It's not going to be a

woman and the front runner, according to the bookies, is a

black man, a Ghanaian guy called Peter Turtson. We may well see a

black Pope. I'm all for it. I don't think Popes should resign. I think

they should regenerate. That's what they do isn't it? Like Dr WHO, you

know, they should tell the Daleks, I've had enough now, one of you do

it. Wouldn't it be weird. Popes do die. Significantly, this is very

significant. Nearly 600 years since this has happened. They almost

always die in the role. He says he's not capable of the admin side.

He feels he can't do it. It's interesting he's decided to do it.

There are no rules against doing it, it's always been allowed. He can do

what he wants, he's the Pope, completely infallible, that's the

whole point. The idea that he's going, I'm 85, can't be doing this

any more, I imagine that Prince Charles has spent most of the day

sending e-mail links of the story to his mum!

LAUGHTER How will they go about electing a

new Pope? He had it in the clip, they call together all the

cardinals under conclave under lock and key, they sweep the Vatican for

secret microphones and things. They are supposed to stay there until

they've decided so they eat, sleep and vote every day there. Then they

decide on a Pope. How long will this take? It can take -

traditionally, recently in the last 100 years - which is recent in

terms of the Vatican and Pope world, it's taken a few days, but hundreds

of years ago they've had weeks and months and they've had cardinals

die during the voting process. It can take quite a long time. Of

course, black smoke when they haven't decided, they burn the

ballot papers afterwards, black smoke when they haven't decided and

it's supposed to turn to white smoke when they have. Interesting

to see when that does happen. He's finishing on the 28th February. But

thank you very much indeed. much notice does a Pope have to

give? He's finishing on the 28th, but he's owed a month's holiday pay.

All will become very clear. It's the 50th anniversary of the

recording of the first Beatles album or LP as Gyles would have

called it. Back in the '60s, when Beatlemania

was at its height, I lived just down there and I used to come up

here to Abbey Road studios in the hope of catching a glimpse of the

Fab Four. Well, now I'm back, but this time I've got insider access.

In the years gone by, my access isn't the only thing that's changed.

Rewind to 196 3 and fallouts from Liverpool were about to -- four

lads from Liverpool were about to start their first ever recording

session. To capitalise on the huge success of their single, Please

Please Me, the Beatles decided to do an album with the same name.

They did it in one session lasting The album's legacy endures. Today

Mick Hucknall, Joss Stone and Stereophonics have come to Abbey

Road studios to recreate the album in the same 12 hours. The album

consisted of The Beatles' live set, plus two already released singles.

Sound engineer Richard Langham was there on the day. When they walked

through the door, you did not realise this was John, Paul, George

and Ringo? No, I had to ask who are they, what's who, what's their

names. By the end of the day you thought they were something

special? By the last track, yes, Twist And Shout with John, stripped

to the waist shouting and screaming. Stripped to the waist? Yes, I think

he took his shirt off at the very end. How amazing. They treated us

with great respect, they really did, they were really good. The album

hit the top of the charts in May 196 3 and stayed there until it was

replaced by the second Beatles album With The Beatles.

atmosphere in 63 exploded because of Please Please Me. They would get

a few hundred letters. They then started getting big bundles of

letters. They didn't have the address of the fan club. They would

just write to the Beatles, care of Liverpool. They would still get to

us because the postman knew where we were. It's amazing. I was all

showed out until we started talking about how the people served The

Beatles 50 years ago and I started crying. What is it like creating

against the clock? That was stressful in a good way, it was

good stress but it was hard sorting out the strings, I changed the key

two minutes before I decided I was going to do it so it was stressful.

I don't know how they did that in a day. I just finished my album after

a year. Is there something special about this? Does it say something

to you? It says something to the world. It's shaped our music,

shaped what we do today. Please Please Me - did you know the

album? I did, yes. I had two older brothers and we used to play a lot

of covers in working mens clubs when we were kids, so we useded to

play a few of their songs. I Saw Her Standing There - it suits our

band, it's a simple rock'n'roll song. The first albums were much

more about the energy captured. It's the same arrangement and same

set of instruments, so we are not taken that far away from it. Love

the Stereophonics and you can hear more of the sessions on Radio Two

this evening and the BBC Four documentary is on on Friday at 9

o'clock. Have you got a favourite Beatles track, Chris? Mine is the B

side of Abbey Road, a big long medley, mo of it and runs for about

20 minutes. It's snatches of songs and you think it's great, then they

move on to something else, too much good stuff crammed in, it's great.

What about you at home? Do you have a special song? It doesn't have to

be by The Beatles, but if you have one, let us know.

This is all for a one show film so let us know what it is and why it's

important. Chris you are on tour? am. The time is now? Yes. I whoo is

it called that? The answer is really boring. There comes a point

you decide you are going to do a show and you have to get the

posters made and before you have written a word you have to think of

something. The phrase The Time Is Now, Again does come into my head

the day before and tickled me and I thought, I'll call it that. I

regret it. It's not great. I'm like, what does it mean. It's a silly

phrase. This is you reminiscing about travelling in the car when

you were a child. I don't know if you have got kids, or if you have

been one, but me and my brother and sister were a nightmare for my

parents, bedlam in the past of the car "Are we there yet", "Are we

there yet" no way they could have gone to sleep, my dad having to

constantly create games to shut us up. He was a genius at this, my dad.

There was the who can keep the Ping-Pong ball in the mouth longest,

then there was the can you wrap your brother's head in cling film,

then there was the don't speak until you see a man in a fez.

Interesting seeing your reaction to that because you were saying it was

boiling hot that day? It was boiling hot in July a couple of

years ago, the old show, and the theatre in London. There are cut

aways of the audience there with people going like that because of

the heat, rather than me I hope!. I started the show and within ten

minutes my hair is plastered over me. You are a self-confessed middle

class comedian, that's what it says on your website. What's the

funniest thing about that? You will have to pay to come and find that

sort of stuff out. Middle class - they are inherently funny - they

can be self-regarding and pleased with themselves so it's quite funny

to take the Mickey but I'm taking the Mickey out of myself. There was

this sense of should I be this or that, then you kind of do it that

way? Yes, sometimes when I'm in posher company I sound a lot posher.

Sometimes when I'm in my own area I take normal. I thought I played up

the northern aspect of it. Because it was salt of the earth

credibility that I wanted, it's only later you realise, actually,

the funniest thing you can be is the thing that you are, that's all

the best jokes will come from that, so you have to be honest about

yourself. The truth is, I'm a middle class ponce. There was quite

a gap wasn't there, five year gap for you? Yes, that's true. I wrote

shows when I was doing the Edinburgh Festival and there were a

million comics and you had to do something to set yourself apart, I

used to write shows about big ideas and themes and silly jokes. I love

being silly about big things, I like that gap. When I came back, I

thought I've got to write something that's more personal which I've

done for the last two shows. I'm comfortable with doing that. I run

out of other things to say too. jump in and out of the tour? It's

going Bury St Edmunds? Yes, I have friends that do like 100 dates and

the very idea makes me go, oh, no, I couldn't do that. This is the

third and final leg of this Tour of Doing 35 Tates at a time. That's

about as much as I can do without kind of falling over. Where are you

going to peak? At which venue? it's happened. Talking about Dara,

you are in a film with him, aren't you? It's a brilliant cast, Coogan

is in it? David Walliams, Stephen Fry, Matt Lucas. Is it a comedy?

sort of is and it sort of isn't. It's about Paul Raymond who was the

gentleman's magazine magnet who became a property millionaire. When

he died four years ago, he was worth �1.5 billion, the richest man

in England off mucky boots. And property. And there's a lot of

comedy in the film because Steve Coogan plays Paul Raymond. A lot of

improvising and a lot of fun happened. But it's a bleak story as

well. Everything about it sounds like it should be tremendous fun.

It's sex, drugs and rock'n'roll essentially and the more you go

into it, the more you realise, this is genuinely bleak, so lots of

funny people in it. What a great guy to improvise.

Yes. Mike Dilger is looking for geese now which might not sound

like the most difficult bird- spotting trip of all-time. There is

unusual behaviour. Norfolk has some of the best

wildlife spectacles in the UK with birds migrating here in their

thousands. Rather than visiting its vast beds

or mudflats, I've come to a farm because every year, thousands of

pink-footed geese decide to spend the winter right here. Pink-footed

geese fly into the UK each September to escape the cold winter

in Greenland and Iceland. Despite the name, they are recognised by

their short pink bill and chocolate brown head and form huge flocks

during the winter months. Farmer Edward Cross attracts

thousands of them to his sugar beet fields. We'd hope to have at least

10-20 days with at least 10,000 geesen't farm and the most we've

ever had is 20,000. This is incredibly rich in sugar, this

beet? 18% sugar. Making it ideal winter fuel for hungry geese. This

machine harvests the sugar beet roots. Wildlife friendly farmers

like Edward leave feed for the geese. It's obviously working. The

20,000 geese at Edward's farm are about 6% of the world's population

of them. Rather than tractor spotting, I'm

here to spot an incredible bit of bird behaviour, called wifling when

geese fall out of the sky. Getting closer to them is difficult because

they're skittish. They are so nervous, Edward's built a well-

camouflaged hide especially to try and see the geese wiffle. We will

wait three hours. Eventually the fog is lifting so this is looking

promising. We might get wiffling yet. Here come some more. This is

good. Oh, this you go. There are some. A bit of wiffling there.

Smashing. That's the best view so far. Slowed down four times, you

can see the birds rolling around on to their backs with their wings

facing the wrong way. They drop Also backward wiffling. The shape

of birds' wings mean they generate lift and this is what helps keep

them airborne. When they wiffl oh, the geese turn so their wings are

upside down, creating the opposite of lift and causing them to drop

down fast. It's thought these unpredictable movements help avoid

predators. It's great fun for them. Once the

geese have finished feeding, they'll fly back to their roost for

the night and that's another spectacle that I don't want to miss.

There were several routes on the Norfolk coast and the birds fly

back to the same locations each day every winter. I know exactly where

the nearest one is. Just 12 miles north I'm here at the RSPB reserve.

With dusk approaching, the geese should fly right over here to roost

on the mudflats overnight. These coastal flats are safe from

predators such as foxes. This is gorgeous. The sky is full of the

sight of pink-footed geese coming into roost in long lines.

That's got to be one of the biggest wildlife spectacles of the winter -

beautiful. There's even time for one last wiffle before sun down.

A wonderful thing that sight. There are some more birds flocking to our

shores as well? Indeed. It's been Australian unprecedented year for

the waxwings. We have had a good breeding season. It's very early in

Scandinavia and they move over to the north-east of Britain and

pretty much if they get a lot over, they start to spread south-west,

south-west, south-west. There is a sign there are huge numbers in the

country if you get them in Bristol. It's a beautiful bird. A beautiful

bird. You look like a waxwing with that shirt. Thank you, Matthew!

You mentioned foxs in the film there. We have to talk about the

terrible attack over the weekend and the four week old boy, Denny.

Were you surprised by this attack? Is it unprecedented? It's not

unprecedented. There have been one or two situations like that, two

that I've heard of. The RSPB described it as highly unusual and

whilst it's not unprecedented, it's still incredibly rare. Boris

Johnson's weighed into the argument saying the council should tackle

urban foxes. Requests this should serve as a wake-up call for the

sown sill to get in the pest control." it's believed a cull

would be highly controversial and would take years. Since 1980s, the

urban foxes haven't gone up in population, we are talking about

33,000 and 86% of all foxs in Britain are still rural. What's

interesting is that some animal behaviourists are saying there may

be behavioural change where they're brazen, they're fed and come close

to people to get photographed. There are a lot of people who will

be concerned. What is your advice? A few straightforward things.

Dispose of food responsibly if you live in areas of urban foxes. If

you have black plastic bags with chicken carcasses, that's not good.

Block the holes to shed and things like that, use repellants. If you

are in an area where you have a lot of foxes, please close doors if you

have youngsters inside. Recently, we talked to Miranda, she

left us with a bit of jeopardy whether the wildlife crime unit

would get funding and we have had news on that? Good news, Matthew.

On 23rd January, the Government finally decided to commit to

funding a dedicated effort by the wildlife crime unit. They've

stumped up some cash in two pots, the Department of Environment, Food

and Rural Affairs and another unit. It will run from this March to next

March. As wildlife crime, particularly bird persecution, is

on the increase, it's a great thing. Wildlife experts are delighted.

Time for a look around the home of a curious creature now called the

perry Fenwick. Yes, it's often referred to as a

Billy Mitchell, a nerd of EastEnder who far flew from the nest.

I'm Perry Fenwick and I'm going back to the street where I grew up.

Ripley Road. East London. Here we are. My old manor. I used to play

football there. Every time you scored a goal, we'd hit the Gates

and they would rattle. We used to annoy a guy who lived in that flat

there. I bumped into him 30 years ago and reminded him of it and he

said "Oh, it was you, you little so-and-so". This is it. I think

this was our old house. Pretty much the same. Didn't have double

glazing. It's a bit posh. 1975, May. Big day for the residents of Ripley

Road. West Ham won the FA Cup and we had a massive street party here.

All the adults getting drunk and all the kids singing I'm Forever

Blow Bubbles. Fantastic day. BEL. That's what everyone calls me, so

that must have been done about 1970 This is the hallway. The passageway,

as we used to call it. This was mum and dad's bedroom. It's tiny. This

was our master bedroom. I thought in my mind's eye that this was the

big room. Unbelievable. I remember that window, people would knock on

the window. My mum and sister would hide from the window from the rent

man when we couldn't afford the rent that week. My mum was a

chamber maid and my dad was a welder. They worked really hard to

keep us. We definitely weren't well off. As a kid, you just get on with

it, what you are born with, you get on with. This is the room that used

to be our bedroom. Me, my sister, my brother. At Christmas, nanny and

grandad used to come and stay here as well and stay in this room with

us. He used to snore really loudly. I think one day I went out to the

kids on the street and charged them a penny to come and see my grandad

Bill snoring. When my mum was pregnant with me, it was a tossup

that my name was either going to be Elvis, Dwayne or Perry all after

well-known singers and grandad Bill offered her money to call me Billy

after him. She was like "No, no, that's an old man's name". Then 14

years ago, I landed the part of Billy Mitchell in EastEnders and

now wherever I go everyone calls me Billy so he kind of got his old way

in the end and he didn't is have to lay out any money. So God rest him.

Blimey. Memories screaming at me down here. Here was our outside

convenience and we used to have a tin bath hanging on the door of it.

Every Sunday night the tin bath would come into the kitchen and

we'd boil up the kettle. Sounds like Dickensian London here. I'm

not trying to make it sound like we were poor but happy but yeah,

humble beginnings. I'll never get posh, you will never get me playing

Hamlet! West Hamlet maybe but... I love the fact I was born round here

One of my favourite ones of those. Imagine the owner of that house

saying which so-and-so's carved their name in that brick. Now they

could put a plaque on it. What a week for Mock The Week to be off

air? We are always off air on the best weeks. We go off over the

summer when there's no news. We always think, why are we on now.

Are you forever ringing each other up doing your own Mock The Week?

Yes, we have a conference call every week which ends up which us

talking to Dara about the size of his head. It's the three Bs isn't

it, Benedict, burgers and the BAFTAS? Yes. What's been your

favourite week to mock though on Mock The Week? I always like it

when you read the papers and you have ideas for funny jokes, various

jokes to say when you are there, but the best weeks are always the

ones where something happens in the studio that you weren't expecting,

you know, where you build on somebody else's idea or they pick

up yours and everybody keeps in ball in the air and it becomes

great. Rory Bremner came out recently and said... Rory Bremner

came out?! No! It was a bit competitive on there? It certainly

used to be. Mock The Week had a reputation amongst comics as being

a real bear pin, you had to put your proper game face going in

there. When I did it first three years ago, I was absolutely

terrified of it because I don't really thrive in a competitive

environment, that's not my gig. I came out and they were going, I

love that. You came out? I came out as well, yeah! A breeding ground

for that kind of thing, yes! But no, I don't think it's as competitive

now. It's a lot more collaborative. A every week something happens in

the studio that we weren't expecting and jokes get kind of run

over the course of a series and stuff in a way they neefr used to

before when it was people standing in the last man standing pointing