13/01/2014 The One Show

good weekend? I have watched clips of our guest back-to-back. I laughed

my head off. Since when have you needed glasses? The weird thing is,

you are thinning on top. You look a bit like. Top. Harry Hill, let's get

on with the show. Hello and welcome to The One Show with

And Alex Jones. Please welcome Harry Hill!

APPLAUSE. He has been practising all day as

well. You've written a new musical about

the X Factor, but the scary thing is you had to get Simon Cowell's

approval. What did he say when he came to the rehearsals? We went

along to meet him to talk about the idea. At the end of it, he said, I

like the idea. He shook us by the hand and said, you are through to

the next round! You went to him with something. With Simon he has two

hear or see something? We had one song and a storyline. Can't wait to

see it. We'll see some of Harry's musical later and we'll be putting

him on the spot with this. We've trawled the best of the

international versions of X Factor to pick these six singers. Three can

sing, three can't. Harry will be trying to pick between them later.

What a fantastic bit of fun. We'll also be chatting with Mike Dilger

and finding out why we have those massive whales and sharks outside

the studio. When you did the introduction, I thought, this show

cannot get more fun than this! But first, and we don't say this

very often, but we want you to stop watching us, look around the room

you're in, and ask yourself... How much clutter is there in my house?

According to a survey out today almost a quarter of us are over run

by stuff we don't need and it's stressing us out. So we sent

Angelica Bell, a woman who has a zero-rubbish policy in her own home,

to clean out her neighbours' clutter.

I solute lead the test clutter in my house, but it can build up. I

decided to go around and find out what people needed to get rid of. It

is nice to live clutter free, but it is getting round to do it. I tend to

gather lots of rubbish. And then he clears out cupboards. I take my

stuff to the charity shops. Anything you want to get rid of that is

taking up space? Only my wife. It genuinely stresses my out, I want it

all gone, but try telling the children to come back and sort it

out. If you have not used something for a year, throw it out. My toilet.

We did notice that. I am sure somebody in the studio can use it.

Brilliant. Thank you. Are you happy to get rid of them? I never use it.

Having the same outfit helps with your wardrobe. You look organised

with your pens. Is it chaotic at your house? On VHS I have every

episode of The one Show since it started. I would not part with any

of them. That is the spirit. We are hoarders, my wife and I. We get

something delivered every day from eBay or Amazon. You don't chuck

anything out? I used to like that programme on TV, Life Laundry

whether you still encourage people to put stuff in skips.

Getting rid of the clutter is one thing but with the recent terrible

weather some people have had everything they own ruined by flood

water. They now face an anxious wait to find out if the insurance company

will help them replace what they have lost.

On Christmas eve, Tonbridge in Kent was caught in the floods. One victim

was Chris Jones who watched in harder -- horror as flooding

engulfed his home. You cannot stop water. It was starting to appear in

the house. When you are paddling around inside, you think it is

serious. When the storms are over and the water has receded, the clear

up operation could begin. But for Chris, the main concern was his

insurance. Gary is a loss adjuster working for his insurance company,

More Than. We meet up with customers, assess the damage and

then we decide how to manage the claim. 1900 people suffered damage

to their homes, and insurance companies are expected to pay out

?400 million. Sorry to hear about your house. Today is Gary's second

visit to this house. They have put the family up in rented

accommodation but the final settlement has yet to be calculated.

Straightaway I am hit by the heat. It is the speed dry to have the

property drive. It was complete devastation just after Boxing Day. I

assume this is where the water rose to? It was dirty water in here. The

buildings insurance cover structural damage up to ?300,000 and the

contents up to ?50,000. You can feel it has lifted. This entire floor

will have to come out which means the kitchen units will have to come

out. Surely you have that shoulder being tugged thataway sane, save as

much money as you can, are under pressure? It is about covering the

costs, making the customer happy without them feeling short-changed.

These will be carefully reviewed. Unfortunately, because the house is

not totally dry, Gary cannot assess the extent of the damage but the

devastation is obvious. What would be an obvious estimate? This will

cost about 70 to ?80,000. According to a survey, 12% of insurance claims

are partially rejected based on objections in the small print. Have

you turned any claims down? Yes, it is part and parcel of the job, but

it does not happen very often. His next appointment is with Bruce and

Linda who were forced from their home by the floods and spent

Christmas with their daughter. It was the first time she did Christmas

for us and she wanted it perfect. We were so miserable. We have other

things on my mind. Gary has assessed ?30,000 for the house. Now they have

found other content that were also damaged. Are those the things you

need to speak to Gary about claiming for? This is the list. The list

includes a karaoke machine, lawn mower and various Power Tools. But

with a value of over ?2500, will Gary question this part of the

claim? Looking at the list, there is nothing at all there that gives me

any concerns, they are standard contents. There is no way you are

thinking, I don't think that is legitimate. We are not here to do

that. Every now and again you will get a claim when you suspect

somebody is doing something wrong. But I have no concerns in the

slightest. It is great they have a happy

ending. Hope they get sorted soon. Back to the musical, we have a

trailer for it. Five minutes call, Simon. Two minutes, Pat. One minute.

It is time! To face the musical. Woops! Sorry!

It is launching, so where did the idea come from? The TV Burp are used

to watch X Factor, I'd pretty much watched every episode back came out.

I was sitting watching it one night, the final and fell asleep. Sin eater

came to me in a dream. She said, you must write the musical. She told me

Simon's phone number in the dream and I woke up and remembered it. It

was basically just a mad idea. I have a lot of these ideas and most

of them don't go anywhere. Nigel Harman is playing Simon. He looks

similar to him in that picture. He does, and that is what we were

after. It is no accident. What makes this a Harry Hill musical? We take

the Mickey out of the X Factor, obviously but we do it in the same

way we did it on TV Burp. It is a family, entertainment show and we do

it with a wink and tongue in cheek. It is kind of a celebration. If you

love the, you will enjoy it. But if you hated the X Factor, you will

enjoy it too. You have interesting titles. These songs tell the story

of a girl that goes to an audition with her little dog. It is about

this girl who lives in a caravan and her grandad is in an iron lung which

interferes with the ITV signal. She has never heard of the. She ends up

auditioning and their are other hopefuls, another lady who works in

Tesda on the till. The hunchback that gets rejected. If you do want

to see it, go and watch it, I Can't Sing! The X Factor Musical opens

with previews on the 27th of February at the London paraded. We

wondered whether you could tell if people can sink or cannot sing. This

is a game for you. All you have got to go on are the faces. It is a bit

like The Voice, but in reverse. Pick a number then, Harry. Who you think

cannot sing. Has got to be number three. He is called Charles, he is

57 and audition for the US version. # I've got to run away.

Have a look at the board. Number two. Isabel is 18 and from

Australia. She can sing. Let's go for another

one. OK, number four. This is a girl called Paige who competed in the US

X Factor, 24 from San Antonio. It is not as much fun when they can

sing, this game! This is a good version!

Their! Oh, I want to dance with somebody.

As bad as that is, I could listen to it over and over again, it is

remarkably entertaining. You could have won this album. Now she tells

me! You are at number 14! Yes! Forget bad singing for a moment,

let's have some nice music. It is the theme tune from Thomas the Tank

Engine, the stories written by Reverend Wilbert Awdry about steam

trains still make children smile. My father was the Reverend Wilbert

Awdry, who wrote many of the Thomas the Tank Engine stories while he was

bigger here in this parish in Norfolk in the 1950s. Thomas is a

tank engine who lives on a big station. Well, little Thomas,

chuckled Gordon, now you know what hard work means, don't you?

My father loved all things to do with railways. The railway stories

came around when my brother, Christopher, got measles, and

father, to entertain him, told stories, but there were only two

that really interested him, and one was down at the station early in the

morning, see the little engine is all in a row. And to make it a

little bit more interesting, rather than just repeating it, Father ended

up drawing engines, Andy Drury faces on them. But it was the sad one that

interested Christopher. -- and he drew. He asked, what is his name,

Daddy? So Father said, Eduard. So the first engine was not Thomas, but

the blue engine. The first book was published in 1945. It was very well

received and had to be reprinted several times because it was so

successful. We moved here when I was nine. I've lived here with my family

and my brother Christopher and my sister Hilary. 13 of the 26 books

were written here. It was wonderful, living here as a child, because it

was so big. Including three attics on the top floor, two of which my

father commandeered for his model railway. He never played with a

model railway, it was a passion and that was it. Never playing trains.

At state I'm in the kitchen, Father used to bring in what he had

written. -- at tea-time in the kitchen. He would read aloud to us,

because the stories were all written to be read aloud. The story that we

had most influence on was the one about Thomas and Bertie the bus

having a race. All three of us were unhappy about the fairness of such a

race, because there seemed to be more hazards for one vehicle than

another. I am going to win, I am going to win! So Father drew a map

to prove that each at the same number of hazards.

The sketch map led him to feel that the stories needed to be set in a

place, and this led, eventually, to the introduction of the island.

Welcome to the island! There was an episode where someone at school

said, of course, you have no problem going somewhere on holiday, you can

always go to the island, because they believed that it was an actual

place, which I think was rather lovely, actually. The small amount

of money that came from the series was good to supplement a passing's

stipend. It would be the sort of thing that would mean there was

money, perhaps, to buy some new shoes or a winter coat, that kind of

thing. And it was only, I suppose, 20 years later that any income had

reached what the equivalent of this stipend was, and so he felt he was

able to retire. He always wanted his epitaph to

reflect this feeling is about himself, if you like, what he gave.

He would like it to say, he helped people see God in the ordinary

things, everyday things of life, and made children laugh!

What a story, his story certainly make me and my children laugh. You

were saying the most successful thing you have done is right a joke

book for kids. Kids still love jokes. How do you approach it? That

one, I just went through a load of joke books. When you do storybooks?

The key is not to patronise. I always think, you know, I used to

read stories to my kids, and it is always nice if the person reading

the story to the child can get something out of it, so it is like

when you go to a pantomime, there are jokes for kids, jokes for

parents that go over their heads. That is what I try to do with my

books. And also, with programme-macro... Of funnier than

grandmother falling over at a wedding. I wish there was!

The sound of Jura on the west coast of Scotland is home to one of our

largest and rarely filmed fish. I am joining sea angler Ian, who is

hopefully going to help me catch more than just a glimpse of one. He

is part of the conservation effort for the enormous common skate, which

sadly today is anything but common. That is about 180lb going back. They

are massive. They are critically endangered, on the same list as

Siberian tigers and polar bears. Eight years ago, Ian established a

conservation network to protect vulnerable skate and shark species.

Skate are bottom dwelling fish, closely related to sharks, so

hauling one up from the depths is going to be tough. 30 minutes

later... And now I need to bring it up from

450 feet of water. It is quite a poll on it! You could be here for 40

minutes. I am seriously overheating, I will have to take my hat off. It

is hard but vital work as the tagging programme is unravelling the

mysteries of its life. The remarkable thing is that they do not

go very far, 66% of the fish we have tagged have been recaptured within

five miles of the original capture site. He hopes his work will lead to

the sound being granted marine protected stasis as it is so crucial

to the skate's survival. And after the hard work and reeling, I finally

get my first glimpse of this amazing fish. He is coming, it is coming! It

is flipping huge! Look at that! Oh, my word! I have just caught myself

an absolutely enormous skate! What a beautiful animal! Look at that! Oh,

my word! In order to get it on board and

Taggart, we need to use books. It might look uncomfortable, but the

work has shown there is no lasting damage, and the data gained is

incredibly valuable. Look at that, that is amazing! I

cannot believe that this fish exists in British waters.

We need to minimise the time it is out of the water, so the first task

is to tag it with a unique code attached to its giant wing. Check

out the wingspan of this, a fish, not a bird. Quite a specimen!

We need precise measurements for the scientific records. 53 inches 80",

is that a good-sized? We have got the types and the measurements, we

can put it back. Job done. With a fish this size, it is easier said

than done. Ready to go? Yeah! Wow, there he goes! Just flapping off

into the deep. Our job for the day is not done, and it is not long

before we land another of these incredible fish. A smaller one, a

male. You can see the row of teeth, it has a surprisingly large mouth.

Anything that gets in there is history. They feed on other skate

species and crustaceans. Males are smaller than females, and there is

another obvious difference. The main difference is these, the penis, and

a skate shark should have two. They are long-lived animals potentially

living up to 100 years. Based on the size, about 20 years old. A fair bit

of growing in that one yet. It is a pretty fine specimen. Let's get it

back in the water. Yes. To date, Ian has tagged 3000 individuals, each

one return safely increases our understanding of this spectacular

skate. He and his team are playing a massive role in considering this

beautiful species. Let's hope this skate will repopulate the seas

further afield once more. Harry, we thought you might be

missing people dressed in silly costumes, so please welcome Mike

Dilger dressed as a common skate! Hello, Harry! What do you think? You

look very much like a bottom dwelling fish. That is the way my

career is going, I will take it where I can get it. Lots of people

at home will be wondering why the skate has doubled gentlemen bits. It

does effectively have two genitalia, and what they are for is grasping

hold of the female. One of them is then inserted, and there is a

groove, and that way the sperm enters the female. And here you have

the mermaid's purse, the female gives birth to this, you find them

on the strand line, and that is the way... How do you get them open? You

can have that is a little present! As Ian was saying, they are

critically endangered, we do see them on the menu quite a bit, so is

it with avoiding completely? Avoid it completely. The common skate is

critically endangered. You would not find it there, but you find a

slightly smaller species which is near threatened according to the

scientific criteria for red species. The best thing to do is, because you

do not know if it is the small or big species, stick to Pollock and

haddock, because they are sustainable. The skate we saw in the

film were absolutely massive, so you brought these life-size creatures

along with those who also share the waters around the UK. We have

searched long and wide for huge leviathans in British waters. This

is the basking shark, up to eight metres long, would you believe? The

second biggest fish in the water, it eats things no larger than that.

It's feeding technique consist of opening its mouth and swimming

along, and it filters the equivalent of an Olympic sized swimming pool

every hour. Never! You are doing ever so well, skate over here. It is

difficult to take him seriously. You are watching BBC One, by the way!

This is one of the smallest Wales in British waters, the minke whale. It

is also a filter reader, and the interesting thing is that it is

named after a Norwegian fishermen who thought it was the much larger

blue whale, a good hunting species, rather than the smaller minke whale.

He should have known that if you look at the flipper, where the

camera is going to point, the minke whale has a white band across the

flipper. Mike Dilger, the common skate, everyone! Thank you very much

indeed. A career-high! All week we have been asking you to send in

family photographs to make up the One Show Mosaic, and you have

responded in droves. 1600 photos have been added so far, but we are

aiming for 2014, this is a look at how it is looking at the moment.

Send them into the usual address, you could be part it. Thank you very

much to Harry for joining us tonight. I Can't Sing! Opens with

previews at the London Palladium next month. Tomorrow Paul O'Grady

joins us. Good night!