13/09/2012 The One Show


13/09/2012

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Hello and welcome to The One Show with Alex Jones. And Matt Baker.

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Tonight's guest is a comedian and master of improvisation, so we are

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putting him on the spot straightaway. Paul, you have 10

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seconds to give yourself a glowing introduction to the show, and you

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have to start with the words "Pam Ayres". Off you go! Pam Ayers is a

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famous comedian. Paul Merton is appearing on The One Show tonight.

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Pam, I am your illegitimate son. is of course Paul Merton. I did not

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know you're going to do that. My mum will not be happy. We will have

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more from Pam Ayres later as well. Excellent. Now, it has of course

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been a momentous couple of days for the people of Liverpool after an

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independent panel uncovered the true extent of the police cover-up

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after the Hillsborough disaster. a moment, we will talk to the

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city's mayor, Joe Anderson, but first, here is what you had to say

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on the streets of Liverpool. Everyone is going round with a

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smile on their face today, which we always have. But there is an extra

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smile today because we have justice for them people. It was just one

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last thing hanging over our shoulders as Liverpudlians. We

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always knew we were right, and yesterday we were vindicated.

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weight has been lifted. And the mood has changed. Liverpool won out

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in the end. They stood up for us. The truth came out. Liverpool, as a

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city, has always stuck together through everything. But today does

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for definitely feel a lot happier, and that we have come over the

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other side. As we said, Joe Anderson joins us

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now, the Mayor of Liverpool. A new inquest is expected to follow, but

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from your perspective, what effect have the apologies from the Sun,

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Kelvin McKenzie and the Prime Minister had on the city? From the

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prime minister, it was welcomed. He handled it well and he was

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dignified, with a personal perspective. We were pleased with

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that. From Kelvin McKenzie, it was contemptuous. He apologised during

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the two-minute silence we were holding, at 3.06, the time when we

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remember the 96 people. It is 23 years and 30 hours too late. As the

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editor rob the Sun, it was too late. As you say, it has been a very long

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time, but can you give us a flavour of how their campaign has managed

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to overturn what has been described as the biggest police cover-up

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over? The report has been something they have complained for in terms

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of the truth. That was what we always wanted. As a result of the

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report yesterday, the truth is now known not only to the UK, but to

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the whole world. The report is both shocking in one sense, but also

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liberating in another sense, in that it has lifted a cloud that has

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hung over the family's and victims who suffered at Hillsborough. It

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has lifted a cloud from the city. We all welcomed the report. As

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mayor of the city of Liverpool, I pay tribute to the families and the

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campaigners for what they achieved for the city. The likes of Kelvin

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McKenzie don't understand that it has added a sense of justice --

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injustice to their lives, as well as the bereavement process. What

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comes next for the families and Hillsborough? How good a move on

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now? We have now got the truth. From my perspective and there's,

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hopefully from the truth follows justice and accountability.

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Somebody made those terrible decisions. It is good disease some

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people coming out and making apologies, including the FA today,

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for their part. But clearly, somebody has to be held to account

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here. Somebody has to take responsibility for the decisions

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that were made. That is what the City of Liverpool will be looking

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for, and hopefully will get the support of government to back us up

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so that we can achieve what is rightly ours. We should not have to

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beg for justice. Paul, have you been following this?

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Yes, it is obviously an incredibly terrible story. Now the events have

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reached the point where they might find closure on the thing, but back

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then, the football fans were demonised a bit. People were so

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ready to believe that people could behave in the most extraordinary

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way while people were dying around them. I find it deeply disturbing.

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The people of Liverpool are a very tight-knit community, and it is

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something they have felt passion about for a long time. If there is

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a release, that is good. Now, all this week, we have been on

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an extraordinary journey with a retired teacher called Jackie.

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Jackie is back from India. She helps a small group of Indian

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children, all the way from her home in Oldham. Last night, we followed

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her to India to meet those children for the first time. This is the

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final part of her journey. Here near Oldham, tacky Berra

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teaches kids in India via the internet. Hi! After an emotional

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meeting with them for the first time, she is going to see where

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they live. It is a slum. I feel quite apprehensive. It is one thing

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to drive past these slums. It is something else to actually walk

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into them and really see how people are living. This man has been one

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of the most active members of Jackie's group since it began. His

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family moved to the slum in search of active employment, and Jackie is

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keen to talk to his mother. Do you notice that it has made any

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difference to him that he does sessions and talks to me? He seems

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very smart when I speak to him. What would be your hopes for him to

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His mother is so dedicated. She works physically so hard. She is

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not in good health. The idea is that her children were have a

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better life than she has had. Incredible. Over 7 million children

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in India have never been to school. Once a week, this 12-year-old girl

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learns how to sow in a group for girls with no education. Stand up

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and show me your skirt. It is beautifully made. I love the

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colours. Why don't you go to Do you know how to write anything?

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She can write her name. Would your parents be able to let you go to

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school? She really wants to go, but she doesn't know. Later that day,

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Jackie went to meet the girl's mother. The family of six live here.

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Come and sit with us. She was telling us that she doesn't go to

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school. But it was here that Jackie found out the real reason the girl

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doesn't go to school. Her little brother was the one who let the cat

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out of the bag. He said by the way, my sister left school because she

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got married. And as the guest, she is indeed only 12 or 13 years old.

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They were following a tradition. It will not be considered for at least

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another few years. And did she have any say in a matter? No. So it is

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understandable that she feels awkward about going to school, when

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probably, some of the other children would tease her. 18 % of

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girls are married before their 50th birthday, often in poverty-stricken

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rural areas. -- they are married before their 15th birthday.

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think that a child's life is set out for her before the age of 10

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without her having any say, that is just so shocking. Today is Jackie's

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last day here before heading back door Oldham. But before the good

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bys Begin, there is time for one last session. This is the last time

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I am going to CU here in India. I am going to show you how to make

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some bunting, like this. It has made a big impact. The boy who was

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cheating in my card game, and yet he was the one who was here till

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the last minute at this evening, holding my hand and reading bits to

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me out of a book. My relationship with the children will be different,

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particularly those two little girls. My name is Lakshmi. I have seen

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where they live and what their lives are like. They have big

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ambitions. One wants to be a doctor, and the other wants to go back to

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the village and make sure they have a clean water supply. And I think

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things like that will leave a lasting impression.

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As you saw earlier, Jackie is with us now. Watching that makes me want

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to cry now! That was quite a few weeks ago. Since you have come back,

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what have you said to the children about what is going on over here?

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We have spoken on several occasions. One of the lovely things was that

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the bunting we started making, we didn't finish it when I was there

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because we didn't have time. But they have finished it, and they

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showed it to me over Skype and they took a picture of them. They have

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sent photos of it. They know they are on television here this week,

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because I spoke to them on Tuesday. What was their reaction? They are

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really excited. They know the BBC. They were really enthusiastic about

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the idea of the film. Since we have been there, they wanted to make a

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film themselves. I think somebody is going to do storyboarded with

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them. They loved the fact that Mike was called Mike, because they kept

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saying Mike, can I hold the Mike? They thought that was a huge joke.

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They loved that whole thing about the filming. Big was a clear that

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Europe spending time with the children. We got clear impressions

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of you as a teacher. Paul has something here written by Sunil.

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says, we thought they were bird eggs, but when she gave them to us

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to eat, we realised it was chocolate. Jackie is rich, but she

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did not speed down to us. I liked that very much. So straight to the

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point. It is true about the BBC. When we were filming a documentary

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for Channel 5, we said we were from the BBC and immediately got more

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respect. And then you were there for Just A Minute. Yes, we did a

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show there earlier this year. In Indian universities, they often

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played Just A Minute as a way of improving your English language,

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because you must not repeat, deviate or has a tape. So it is

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used as a tool for exploring English. I would be hopeless.

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Jackie, you were an experienced teacher before going to India, but

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has your trip changed the way you teach the children via Skype now

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that you are back in the UK? It is really difficult doing it over

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Skype. You realise how much of interacting with people is to do

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with body language, hand movements, expressions. And over Skype,

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because the equipment is never great, that is quite hard. You have

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to work doubly hard. It is a slightly different technique.

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have inspired so many people. Lots of people got in contact with us,

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wanting to do what you are doing. The numbers are limited from a

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teaching perspective, but there are other things you can do. We have

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put a link up. There are loads of ideas on our website. If you want

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to volunteer, there are some postcodes specific ideas, and there

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are other ideas for people over the age of 50.

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And now, when Christine Walkden was invited the pan as garden, she

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found the green fingered poet had a very specific technique when it

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comes to planting. Paul, you know Pam quite well. What do you think

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is her gardening technique? On it all in and don't care about the

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Quiet please. Kindly, don't impede my concentration. I am sitting in

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the garden, thinking thoughts of propagation. Of nurturing the

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fruits that my work will bare and the place will not know what has

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hit it, once I get up from me chair! Pam Ayres and her husband

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have lived on this Gloucester farm for 25 years. From the look of it,

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there has been a lot of nurturing going on.

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I'm not much of a planner, really. My great aim is to bring insect

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noose the garden. As and when I read something or see a plant that

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is good for wildlife, I tend to buy it and bung it in. There is a

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structure, as you can see, but there is a lot of bunking in that

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goes on! I love bunged in! Now, you bunged in this remarkably well. It

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is so much easier to grow than lavender.

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I know and the bees love it. It is so much easier to grow. Everyone

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think it is is lavender. It is such good value. It is cheap, easy-going.

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It stands on a north wall. You don't have to fiddle to it or

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pander to it. You just have to bung it in! This is not a working farm,

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but animals of all sorts live here. And hidden away from them is a

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secret walled garden. So, the veggie garden? Yes, this is a

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vegetable garden. You can tell from this place, Pam

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knows her way around a runner bean. I am the youngest of six children,

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my dad grew all of our vegetables. At the back of our garden there was

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another huge garden. The man was always gardening, he would produce

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an abundance of vegetables in season. Dad would try to enthuse us,

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but I was bored by it. But when I moved away in my 20s, I

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never wanted to buy a tired old vegetable from somebody elgs, so I

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started to grow my own in my own garden when I was about 22 - not

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long ago, really! Absolutely! Look at those splend id flowers? I know.

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And the bees and the butterflies love them. I tell you what,

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Christine, I have started -- started to dead-head them. The only

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thing is you need to be very, very tall.

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Or good on a ladder? Or a pogo stick! Pam's favourite spot is here,

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looking out over the ponds and the fields.

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Has your life turned out as you expected it to? No. I did not have

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expectations. I was not a planner, but I did have an driving -- a

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driving ambition to be a performer. I loved the idea of being a

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performer. Because I have a cranky country accent. I have a funny

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sense of humour. I like write being small things, like the husband that

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know it is all. I was then able to put things together with that. It

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seemed to work. Did you ever dream about living on

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a farm? I did dream about living on a farm, but I only thought it would

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ever be a dream. I used to ride a pony in the village where I lived

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once, at the Manor Farm. I loved it. So craved to be in that environment,

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but I never thought I would be lucky enough to acquire one. I know

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every tree, stick, detail of the place here now. I cannot imagine

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not having it. It would be heartbreaking.

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She is so warm and lovely. So perfectly matched to the place

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where she lives. Yes, but one of the questions that Christine asked

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was had Pam's life turned out the way she expected it to, what about

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yours? I don't know, when I was young I wanted to be in comedy. I

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could not have predicted it lasting as long as this. Have I Got News

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For You has lasted 20 years. It is a long time. I'm immensely pleased,

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it has lasted all the way up to this evening, this could be the

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programme that kills it forever. You went to the circus? Yes, I went

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to the circus, I saw people, they said not to do that. Then I would

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see adults dressed in boots, throwing sausages at each other,

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throwing buckets of water. I loved You have been out on the road with

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On The Road. You came on the last time to talk about Out Of My Head.

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It is coming to the West End from October? It is.

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The blush describes it as "lovingly honed"? Well, we did 50 shows in

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the spring. Over 50 shows you develop things. Things change, you

:20:30.:20:37.

drop it if it is not good. It took ten gigs for one joke to work. It

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did, then, but it is like a moving jigsaw. That bit is OK, then this

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bit is not. You tink irwith it. That was fascinating as opposed to

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the improvised stuff. This has props, cues, so lots going on.

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Is that nerve-wracking for you? is. You don't know how it is going

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to work. You have to hope a lot. So it is nerve-wracking, but the sense

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of achievement after is enormous. You have not done stand-up for 14

:21:14.:21:20.

years? Something like that I did a solo stand-up tour 14 years ago. It

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was a tired cliche, listening to the buzz of the audience, while I'm

:21:27.:21:31.

having a cup of tea, liking like the most miserable person in the

:21:31.:21:37.

venue. There must be a better way to do it. There is, but this show

:21:37.:21:42.

is more social. Is it a massive difference

:21:42.:21:48.

withstand-up and improv? Improv is easier. The stand-up is hard.

:21:48.:21:54.

Why? It is funny, if you do an improvised show, the audience

:21:54.:21:58.

expect it. They buy that fact. When it is a written show it needs

:21:58.:22:03.

certain things. So a joke, you write a joke, now, if you give the

:22:03.:22:07.

audience too much information it sounds too corny. If you don't make

:22:07.:22:12.

the point that A is related to B, they don't know what you are

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talking about. So there must abgap that they have jumped themselves.

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So give them a certain amount of information, but not too much. That

:22:19.:22:26.

is difficult to judge. Doing it in front of a live audience is the

:22:26.:22:31.

best way. Until you get out there and try it, you don't know.

:22:31.:22:35.

Sometimes they laugh, sometimes they just look at you.

:22:35.:22:40.

You say that improv keeps you "match fit", as it keeps your mind

:22:40.:22:47.

ticking? It does. I do a regular show at the Comedy Store. Things

:22:47.:22:52.

like Have I Got News For You which is improvised. When they come along,

:22:52.:22:59.

I feel like I've done lots of improvisation. When I do the comedy

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store, I feel rusty. It is good the improv. It keeps you alert.

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Are you starting to rehearse? Yes a director coming in, John

:23:10.:23:14.

Nicholson. I am looking forward to it, but it is unlike the improv,

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there is so much to look forward to and fear that it may not work, but

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so far, so good. Well, Out Of My Head is on at the

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Vaudeville Theatre in London from the 1st to the 20th of October. Now

:23:28.:23:32.

to the weather. Of course, lots of people like to complain about it,

:23:32.:23:37.

but when you do, spare a thought for the men and the women working

:23:37.:23:43.

out on the oil rigs in the North Sea. Out there drastic changes in

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conditions can happen in a matter of minutes. Marc McCarroll explains.

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It is one of the most inhospitable workplaces in the world. Where the

:23:53.:23:58.

weather is often violent and always unpredictable.

:23:59.:24:03.

We are all used to changing weather, but out in the North Sea, the rigs

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can be hit by several severe weather systems in a single day.

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Because of its location, the North Sea is a hostile environment,

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bombarded by different weather systems battering it from both the

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Atlantic and the Arctic. In summer, the warm winds blow over the cold

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waters to create the har, a Scots word describing the sea mist and

:24:29.:24:34.

fog that smothers visibility. Winter brings the lows of cold air

:24:34.:24:40.

that hit the warmer sea, that creates a short-lived storm. That

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is not all. Storm surges build within hours. In squally conditions

:24:46.:24:53.

they build in minutes, bringing with them gales of up to 90 mph and

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waves that can reach nearly 20 metres high. Out here getting to

:24:57.:25:02.

work is a battle against the elements. Crews change shifts by

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helicopter, preparation is all. Over 30 years, the helicopter

:25:05.:25:11.

accidents in the North Sea have caused 110 deaths. Today, there are

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more res crews than fatalities, with the pilot training playing a

:25:18.:25:22.

crucial part in the successes. This helly centre is as close to the

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real thing as you can get. Chris puts the pilots through their paces.

:25:28.:25:34.

Chris, there is driving rain, poor conditions? Yes, we set up the

:25:34.:25:36.

simulator to represent the conditions that the pilot would see

:25:36.:25:41.

and the point where he has to make a decision whether to land or fly

:25:41.:25:46.

away from the ground. It is important to expose the pilot to

:25:46.:25:50.

the conditions, and to stimulate their decision-making process.

:25:50.:25:56.

We are going the wrong way! There we go. We landed.

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And it is not just the helicopters, every aspect of the oil industry

:26:01.:26:11.
:26:11.:26:12.

has its risks. On December 27th 195, disaster struck the oil platform,

:26:13.:26:17.

Sea Gem. The steel legs gave way and the structure sank into the

:26:18.:26:22.

waters. Nearly half of those on board lost their lives. Kevin was

:26:22.:26:28.

won of the few who survived. I had been on board about half an

:26:28.:26:32.

hour. There were two huge explosions or cracks.

:26:32.:26:35.

I knew straight away that something was radically wrong.

:26:35.:26:39.

So I decided then that the best thing to do was to get off it.

:26:39.:26:47.

Which, -- which I did. It was freezing. We had a jumper on and

:26:47.:26:53.

slacks and I had slippers on. I had no time to get anything else.

:26:53.:26:58.

A public inquiry concluded that the probably cause of the disaster was

:26:58.:27:05.

metal fatigue, the cold waters had taken their toll on the structure.

:27:05.:27:10.

Hard lessons were learned. Today with the new rigs, insurers insist

:27:11.:27:16.

that a meteorologist is on board, but before they get to the sea, the

:27:16.:27:21.

engineers put themselves to work building platforms that are as

:27:21.:27:26.

weather-proof as possible. Here in Newcastle they are building a new

:27:26.:27:31.

rig, 5,5,000 tons of metal, the legs have been given a layer of

:27:31.:27:36.

specialist paint to protect them against the salty air, improving

:27:36.:27:40.

its defences against the temperatures of minus 50 to plus 50

:27:40.:27:45.

Celsius. You have to design these things to

:27:45.:27:50.

withstand massive wave and wind blowing. Some models anticipate the

:27:50.:27:54.

type of wave that may come along only once in every 10,000 years.

:27:54.:27:58.

That must be in place to have a safe structure that is going to

:27:58.:28:03.

stay there and make it is safe workplace for people.

:28:03.:28:07.

Today there are 283 platforms in production in UK waters. Their

:28:07.:28:11.

safety relies on the expertise of engineers, cruise and

:28:11.:28:14.

meteorologists. They will never completely weather-proof the

:28:14.:28:18.

industry, but they have learned from the mistakes of the past and

:28:18.:28:22.

work to ensure that they can deal with everything that nature throws

:28:22.:28:27.

at them. This work is essential to the safety of the 22,000 men and

:28:27.:28:32.

women working off our shores. Thank you very much, Marc McCarroll.

:28:32.:28:40.

Alright, improv time. Oil rig, ten seconds, go! What do you mean? Oil

:28:40.:28:46.

rig, well, I can do it in a minute. Oil rigs invented by Professor Oil

:28:46.:28:52.

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