14/03/2017 The One Show


14/03/2017

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Transcript


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Hello and welcome to The One Show with Matt Baker...

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And, sitting on our sofa, someone who doesn't think we should

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Judging by past performances, there's no way that tonight's guest

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will be anything other than gloriously, absurdly silly...

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Lets get on with the show. He is creepy. It is sausage clock.

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I had never seen any of that because I was in it. It was funny with Gary

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and Lord Sugar. He loved every minute of that! This is your tenth

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appearance on the show. There must be a prize! Unfortunately no

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sausages involved. But you have brought this button. I will go along

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with the charade! You asked us to get it, carry on. It is not for Red

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Nose Day, this is what I use on my new ITV show Alien Fun Capsule. The

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idea is if I see something funny I press the button and it is

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transferred into the alien Bob Capshaw. I was asked by a world

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government sometime ago -- Alien Fun Capsule. To collect all the funniest

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stuff I could find to put it into a capsule in case we are invaded by

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Lian and then I could show them that we are fun to hang out with. That is

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the concept of the show, I admit it is wafer thin. We like it! So thin

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that you could smoke it. We thought we would recreate it tonight.

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Anything you find funny that could go into the Fun Capsule just pressed

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the buzzer at any point in time. I love the idea. Do something funny!

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Do not put me on the spot! It should be spontaneous. Well hopefully

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people at home will not be pressing any buttons and staying with us.

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More interesting than funny. You just get settled in.

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Buying and moving into a new home is a stressful time -

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mortgages, solicitors, surveys, moving vans and the rest.

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So you might think a brand-spanking new-build property

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Probably heard the UK is in the middle of a housing crisis with the

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government claiming 1 million new homes must be built by 2020. But

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some people say the push to build new homes in quantity is resulting

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in a drop in quality. Last month one of the U:K.'s biggest house-builders

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Bovis Homes announced it was setting aside ?7 million to fix problems

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with some of its homes. The people that own the homes are so angry

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about their shoddily built dwellings that they have done what angry

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people do these days. They started a Facebook group.

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Almost 3000 customers have been posting complaints about cracked

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roofs, damp ceilings and even wonky walls. Danny Moffat is one of the

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Facebook campaigners. In 2014 the former Royal Marine bought his

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?600,000 home in Surrey. We ploughed all of my pension from the Royal

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Marines into this home. It was supposed to be the forever home, all

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the extras included and unfortunately they have been a lot

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of extras we were not including. Most new bills come with a snagging

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list, an inventory of jobs that the builder must come back to fix. In

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the case of Danny is less of a list and more a catalogue of disaster.

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We probably identified 1000 snags. As you go into the master bedroom

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the floor sinks to the centre. The downstairs toilet was blocked. They

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realised the pipe was the wrong size and that led to the back wall being

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damp and the whole dining room floor had to be taken up. It is a bit like

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everyday is a school day every day is a snagging day when you buy a

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Bovis Home. Stewart from Bedford also bought his Bovis Home in 2014

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but for the past three years his biggest problem has been keeping out

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the cold. Talk to me about the practicalities of living here. Even

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with the heating on and radiators blazing we have like a Siberian wind

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blowing across the floor. If we are sitting here doing anything we have

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to wear a thick jumper and thermal socks. Stewart complained to Bovis

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Homes but it fell on deaf ears so he shelled out for a thermal imaging

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survey of his home. Everything should be roughly the same orange

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colour and you can see in every corner of every room there is some

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area of missing installation. In a statement a spokesperson for Bovis

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Homes said that the firm recognised that there had been customer service

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issues at some locations. They said they are changing as a business,

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slowing overall building rates. They had while the majority of customers

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are happy, they're committed to making things right by homeowners

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who have reported issues to them. But when it comes to house-builders

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it is not just Bovis Homes who are letting customers down. Paul Higgins

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is chief executive at the homeowners Alliance. There is some great

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house-builders are out there who are selling to customers for life and

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they take part in the work and want to get things done but sadly other

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house-builders who at the expense of quantity, quality is Bing, mice.

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There is a lack of consumer protection buying a new home. When

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you buy a new car you can return it but you cannot return home. The

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government has set a target of new homes that must be built by 2020.

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But what is it doing to protect people moving into those homes.

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Oliver Caldwell MP chairs and All Party Parliamentary Group on Iran

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bill. Last year he commissioned a report calling for house-builders to

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be held to account. You recommended an ombudsman for new homes back in

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July last year and we have not got one. The government has got to look

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at it as to whether or not that is except a way of going for. We will

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hope we will have a response in the autumn or by the end of the year

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certainly. So Bovis Homes have committed ?7 million nationwide,

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what can you do to make sure that they fulfil their commitment and put

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things right? I think it is an indication they realised there is an

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issue and they've got to do something about it. We had to make

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sure there is legislation and strictures in place which are going

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to deliver good quality builds. So Oliver thinks it is time for some

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action. A bit worrying then that is made of American government have not

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included his ideas in their big housing plan. Of course none of this

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will come as any comfort to you if you are currently sitting in a

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lounge of your new-build home with the breeze coming in under the

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skirting boards. Watching television with Harry Hill

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is like watching television with the constant running commentary! I'm

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still making TV Burp but just for the kids and family at home! We all

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shout at the telly. Let's talk about this Alien Fun Capsule. Bagging all

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the things that could potentially delight aliens, anything funny. But

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it is an interesting concept. If aliens were watching British

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television right now, what do you think they would be thinking, would

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they be enjoying it? I think they would be putting the One Show into

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their Fun Capsule. There's a lot of strange stuff on at the moment on

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TV. My family, I have three girls, they loved to watch don't tell the

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bride and say yes to the dress. You have a guy arranging the wedding and

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the girl saying oh no, what has he done! But you agree to be part of

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the show! It should not be complete surprise that he organised the whole

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thing in an Indian takeaway! But as you said, with the aliens, they

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would be watching from light years away. So it would be very old

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programmes. You different guests each week. It is a panel show.

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Basically I pitched the show to ITV and had various ideas but they said

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we would like a panel show. ITV does not really have a panel show. I have

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never even been on one let alone be the host and I do not particularly

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like them! So I have the panel. And what do you ask them? Well, not

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much! The idea originally was they would come in with funny stuff but

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it ended up with me just showing them stuff and as all laughing. But

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a lot of it is me taking the Mickey. Judith Chalmers was on the show, the

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veteran broadcaster of course. Let's just have a look. Here we go.

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Wish you were here! Hello, Judith, I wish you were here! Not in a bad

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way. I was just making a comment about the theme of Judith and her

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show. It's came across as you taking an instant dislike! I love it! We

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need a trumpet. It took a long time to learn that. Months of rehearsal.

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You also have regular rounds. One of them involves local news headlines.

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We've got our audience in tonight to help us explain. So when you're

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ready a bit of music and off you go. Large lorry negotiates tight bend.

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Comfortable mother in custard shortage. I'm not dead says

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grandmother. Early customers find booths closed. New footbath gate is

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too noisy. Thank you very much. So where did this start? Local news

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round-up is what we think. You see these headlines on boards outside

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newsagents. So we went to get as many as we could. I think we do for

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five each week. And they're all true. Those are true. Completely

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real stories. Do you have a favourite? I do like the custard

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story. With double mother in custard shortage. I'm a big fan but stubble.

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That could go in Fun Capsule. Let's stick with it.

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Harry Hill's Alien Fun Capsule continues Thursday, 8.30pm, ITV.

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"Stressed dog goes grey" could easily be another

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funny headline on Harry's local news round-up.

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But according to a new study, it's a real, serious and widespread

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problem for many dogs and their owners.

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Silver hairs, many of us discover them sooner than we would like.

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Normally the hallmark of age and maturity is often said also to be

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the tell-tale sign of stress. Could high-pressure jobs be to blame? We

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do know premature greying can be caused by genetics, disease and

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damage to the skin. But surprisingly there is little evidence that stress

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or anxiety gives us silver hairs. The science is still a bit of a grey

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area. So we were intrigued to hear about a

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study that claim to find the connection not with humans but in

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dogs. New research carried out by a group

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of universities in the USA found that there could be a link between

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dogs with prematurely grey fur and anxiety. Using a sample of 400 young

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dogs aged under four years old researchers took photographs of

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their mothers. The dogs were rated on a silver scale from no grey fur

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to a full grey nose. The study found the more likely the dog was to be

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nervous or show impulsive behaviour the more grey hairs they had. To

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find out what can make dogs anxious I meeting with behaviourist and

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trainer Louise and her dog Fred. Hello, Fred how you doing. I noticed

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he has some grey in his muscle. You must be interested in the study. It

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is fascinating, dogs can go grey because of genetics and more breeds

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are more prone to it. I've noticed a lot of younger rescued dogs that

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looked older than their years. Fred is a good example. He's just five

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years old. I took on last year. He had grave error before we got him.

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And you believe it be stressed related. I think there could be a

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link because he had a rocky start to life. You would not imagine a dog

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like this, a great Dane, to be nervous. He gets anxious? I would

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say he definitely arrived with some kind of anxious tendencies. We're

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working on that. Let's take for a walk.

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For Fred a city walk like this can be stressful. Traffic.

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Strangers. And children shouting all put him on

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edge. But for Louise this is only part of

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the story. There are other subtler signs of stress to look out for. It

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can be yawning. Lip licking. You can get ears going back, the tail

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underneath. You can find some dogs will do displacement activity, so

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they can be going towards something and start sniffing the ground as a

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way of avoiding things. There's a lot of things but it's about putting

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them all together. Louise is gradually training Fred to cope. She

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keeps an eye on his subtle cues and posture. If something makes him

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nervous she uses a command to tell him they're changing direction. In

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this way, Fred has learned to trust Louise and stay calm even when

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something worries him. I think it's about not forcing them into a

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situation. I never wanted to push him into something, I never wanted

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to make him do something. Understanding a dog's stress signs

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and what causes them can help owners build their dog's confidence and

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ultimately reduce anxiety. There's still lots more research to

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be done but understanding what changes the hair colour in dogs

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could one day help us understand what makes us go grey. In the

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meantime, recognising those signs of anxiety in our four-legged friends

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and knowing how to keep them happy could only be a good thing.

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Good boy! Well, thanks, Patrick. As you can

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see, Fred is now here on The One Show. Live, he continues to make

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great progress overcoming his nerves. Louise who we saw in the

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film feels this is the right time for him to make his debut on live

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television. He is incredibly relaxed. How has it gone getting him

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here? He's done well. We had time to familiarise himself with the studio,

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that was part of it, getting used to it, knowing he would be all right to

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come in. No stage fright at all. I wish I had done the same thing! He

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has a new friend. He does. He has make a first dog friend, a dog

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called Crocus. What do they do? They go out for walks. Of course. When

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one sniffs the other one does, when one stops the other stops. A bit of

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running around together. Listen, Harry, we know you love sausages and

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you love dogs. We have a great opportunity if you want to take this

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opportunity, you can potentially feed Fred. Open wide, Louise! Sorry,

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the dog. Not me. Fred, do you want a sausage, come on, Fred! He is a

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gentle giant. Thank you to you both. Come and see us again, Fred, keep us

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updated with the progress and how it's going. All right. Dave, we need

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more sausages! Get the frying pan on. Now Red Nose

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Day is fast approaching and it's time to get involved. We are not

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asking for money today, though. We need your laughs. Giggles, chuckles

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and chortles. Details will be along shortly. First, here is some

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hilarious inspiration. # Come up and see me, make me

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smile... It's so infectious. Can you compete with that lot? Comic Relief

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want to celebrate Britain's best laugh, if you or someone you know

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has a brilliant laugh film it on your phone and make sure it is this

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way, please. Landscape. Not this way, portrait. Yes, please send in a

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quick video to our usual address. We will show some of our favourite

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laughs on The One Show next week. Now, Harry, we have got some laughs

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for you right now. The question is what are these

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people laughing at that you are about to see. I see, it's a quiz.

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First, this presenter in Australia having an unprofessional moment.

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What are they laughing at? LAUGHTER

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We have options for you. OK. Is he laughing at his co-host falling

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over, Donald Trump or a grumpy cat? Cats are always funny. I am going to

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say grumpy cat. Let's have a look. It is a grumpy cat!

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Grumpy cat. Fred is laughing too. OK. On to the next one. Let's look

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at the next one. This little baby.

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Now, is this baby laughing at a snoring dog, a bowl of baked beans

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or a bald man with big collars on the telly? It can't be the last one.

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Baked beans. Let's find out. It's you! Lastly, this is from our

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show. Chatting to Dawn French in 2010. What was Dawn laughing at

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here? A dancing Daleka rude cake or Gyles Brandreth?

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It's got to be a rude cake. With Dawn. Let's find out.

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It is a rude cake! Very good. Two out of three ain't

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bad. Mike's here tonight. He wants to make it into the alien fun

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capsule, after all he and Harry had lots in common, not just the

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obvious. Harry loves all things weird. We could be brothers. You

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could. Mike has been on the track of a slithery cove cropping up in

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unexpected places. The tranquil waters of this lake are

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rich in aquatic life, from frogs and fish, to newts, the perfect prey for

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an animal you wouldn't normally associate with water, a long, smooth

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olive green predator, the grass snake. But there is a lot more to a

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grass snake than simply being, well, a snake in the grass.

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Personally I think the grass snake is one of the most poorly named

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animals in Britain. Most people would assume that only found on dry

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land, in amongst grass. But probably a much better name would be water

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snake. And I want to show you why.

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But the problem is finding one. The best chance of a sighting should

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be on a sunny morning, just like this.

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At the moment they'll have just come out and will be basking underneath

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that heat. They don't have ears but detect sound through vibrations in

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the ground, so my voice won't disturb them but I have to trod

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softly. For several hours, nothing. But just as we were about to give

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up, whilst the camera was pointing in another direction, it happened.

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This is a really exciting and frustrating in equal measure, our

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cameraman has just had a grass snake swim past his feet but it's

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disappeared. It seems to have gone under there. All we can do is sit

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and wait. Got it!

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It's a very, very long snake. That's got to be a metre 20. Making it a

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female, the females are generally longer. A lily pad is the perfect

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place for a rest. While tasting the air for the scent of prey. I have

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never seen one swimming as well as that, that's sensational.

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The best views I have ever had of grass snake, but I want to find out

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how it swims so well. It means getting a much closer look

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in more controlled surroundings. I am only handling this marvellous

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beast here with a special permission of the good folk here. It let's me

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show you why a grass snake is a grass snake. For me the key feature

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is that yellow collar behind its head. They get a really close-up

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view of its eye, the pupil is round, not like a vertical cat's eye pupil

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but I am not here to look into its eyes, I am here to look at its

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aquatic skills so we have set up a snake swimming pool. Under water and

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slow motion cameras will allow us to film it in action. Right, it's the

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moment of truth. Time to see how our swimmer gets on in the specially

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rigged tank. Here we go!

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Oh! Look at that! Powering away with the S-shaped

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curves. Slow motion reveals how the snake swims forward. With each turn

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its body acts like a paddle, pushing the water back to propell the snake

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forward. Its stream-lined body glides through

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the water. Strong muscles keep its head raised

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well above the surface. On the look out for predators and

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prey. Grass snakes really are perfectly

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adapted for an aquatic lifestyle. So next time you take a stroll along

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the water's edge, see if you can spot one of these skilful serpents

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swimming silently past. Isn't that a beautiful film? Thank

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you, Mike. Harry, it will come as no surprise to you that the grass snake

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is not a great name for that particular animal, because all

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afternoon you have been busy for us. Mike, pick it up from here. We gave

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you animal names that were slightly ridiculous and weird and asked you

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to draw what you thought they were. The first one was mountain chicken.

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I have drawn this, right. He is up a mountain. I like it. His beak is

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brightly coloured so that a plane won't hit him. Quite fat. He stays

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nice and warm up there. Accuracy, one. It's actually a frog. The

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largest frog in the Caribbean Islands. It lives up mountains and

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apparently tastes like chickens. It's disappearing fast. What is

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next? The next one is a... You tell us. You said it's a killdeer.

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Poisoned horns, it's got a helicopter landing pad. That's

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brilliant. That bit is remarkably accurate. Actually, it's not.

:27:25.:27:29.

Killdeer is not a killer deer and it's not a killer of deer. It's

:27:30.:27:46.

actually a north American mid-sized bird. One more. The Hickory Horned

:27:47.:27:58.

Devil. I am afraid it's a caterpillar from the north-east

:27:59.:28:01.

American forest. It's jumbo-sized, about the size of a hot-dog. It has

:28:02.:28:08.

amazing tips like a horned devil and it is utterly harmless. There you

:28:09.:28:14.

go. A huge round of applause for Harry. When Harry has more time this

:28:15.:28:19.

is what he can produce. Harry is hoping to get into the Royal Academy

:28:20.:28:27.

of Art, with this. His version of Monarch of the Glen. Stunning. We

:28:28.:28:32.

wish you all the best. Mike, thank you so much. Wonderful. That's your

:28:33.:28:35.

lot tonight. A big thank you to Harry Hill!

:28:36.:28:45.

Alien Fun Capsule continues on Thursday 8pm on ITV. Tomorrow we

:28:46.:28:50.

have a stellar line-up, we will be joined by the stars of a new film

:28:51.:29:03.

Life, Rebecca Ferguson and how old A lister Jake Gyllenhall. Sheena

:29:04.:29:12.

Easton will be making an entrance with 42 tap dancers. See you then.

:29:13.:29:14.

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