14/03/2017 The One Show


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14/03/2017

Harry Hill brings his particular brand of fun and madness to the studio and The One Show is on the search for Britain's Best Laugh. Presented by Matt Baker and Michelle Ackerley.


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Hello and welcome to The One Show with Matt Baker...

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And, sitting on our sofa, someone who doesn't think we should

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Judging by past performances, there's no way that tonight's guest

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will be anything other than gloriously, absurdly silly...

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Lets get on with the show. He is creepy. It is sausage clock.

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I had never seen any of that because I was in it. It was funny with Gary

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and Lord Sugar. He loved every minute of that! This is your tenth

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appearance on the show. There must be a prize! Unfortunately no

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sausages involved. But you have brought this button. I will go along

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with the charade! You asked us to get it, carry on. It is not for Red

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Nose Day, this is what I use on my new ITV show Alien Fun Capsule. The

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idea is if I see something funny I press the button and it is

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transferred into the alien Bob Capshaw. I was asked by a world

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government sometime ago -- Alien Fun Capsule. To collect all the funniest

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stuff I could find to put it into a capsule in case we are invaded by

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Lian and then I could show them that we are fun to hang out with. That is

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the concept of the show, I admit it is wafer thin. We like it! So thin

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that you could smoke it. We thought we would recreate it tonight.

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Anything you find funny that could go into the Fun Capsule just pressed

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the buzzer at any point in time. I love the idea. Do something funny!

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Do not put me on the spot! It should be spontaneous. Well hopefully

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people at home will not be pressing any buttons and staying with us.

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More interesting than funny. You just get settled in.

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Buying and moving into a new home is a stressful time -

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mortgages, solicitors, surveys, moving vans and the rest.

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So you might think a brand-spanking new-build property

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Probably heard the UK is in the middle of a housing crisis with the

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government claiming 1 million new homes must be built by 2020. But

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some people say the push to build new homes in quantity is resulting

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in a drop in quality. Last month one of the U:K.'s biggest house-builders

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Bovis Homes announced it was setting aside ?7 million to fix problems

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with some of its homes. The people that own the homes are so angry

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about their shoddily built dwellings that they have done what angry

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people do these days. They started a Facebook group.

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Almost 3000 customers have been posting complaints about cracked

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roofs, damp ceilings and even wonky walls. Danny Moffat is one of the

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Facebook campaigners. In 2014 the former Royal Marine bought his

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?600,000 home in Surrey. We ploughed all of my pension from the Royal

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Marines into this home. It was supposed to be the forever home, all

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the extras included and unfortunately they have been a lot

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of extras we were not including. Most new bills come with a snagging

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list, an inventory of jobs that the builder must come back to fix. In

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the case of Danny is less of a list and more a catalogue of disaster.

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We probably identified 1000 snags. As you go into the master bedroom

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the floor sinks to the centre. The downstairs toilet was blocked. They

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realised the pipe was the wrong size and that led to the back wall being

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damp and the whole dining room floor had to be taken up. It is a bit like

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everyday is a school day every day is a snagging day when you buy a

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Bovis Home. Stewart from Bedford also bought his Bovis Home in 2014

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but for the past three years his biggest problem has been keeping out

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the cold. Talk to me about the practicalities of living here. Even

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with the heating on and radiators blazing we have like a Siberian wind

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blowing across the floor. If we are sitting here doing anything we have

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to wear a thick jumper and thermal socks. Stewart complained to Bovis

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Homes but it fell on deaf ears so he shelled out for a thermal imaging

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survey of his home. Everything should be roughly the same orange

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colour and you can see in every corner of every room there is some

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area of missing installation. In a statement a spokesperson for Bovis

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Homes said that the firm recognised that there had been customer service

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issues at some locations. They said they are changing as a business,

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slowing overall building rates. They had while the majority of customers

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are happy, they're committed to making things right by homeowners

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who have reported issues to them. But when it comes to house-builders

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it is not just Bovis Homes who are letting customers down. Paul Higgins

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is chief executive at the homeowners Alliance. There is some great

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house-builders are out there who are selling to customers for life and

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they take part in the work and want to get things done but sadly other

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house-builders who at the expense of quantity, quality is Bing, mice.

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There is a lack of consumer protection buying a new home. When

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you buy a new car you can return it but you cannot return home. The

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government has set a target of new homes that must be built by 2020.

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But what is it doing to protect people moving into those homes.

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Oliver Caldwell MP chairs and All Party Parliamentary Group on Iran

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bill. Last year he commissioned a report calling for house-builders to

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be held to account. You recommended an ombudsman for new homes back in

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July last year and we have not got one. The government has got to look

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at it as to whether or not that is except a way of going for. We will

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hope we will have a response in the autumn or by the end of the year

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certainly. So Bovis Homes have committed ?7 million nationwide,

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what can you do to make sure that they fulfil their commitment and put

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things right? I think it is an indication they realised there is an

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issue and they've got to do something about it. We had to make

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sure there is legislation and strictures in place which are going

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to deliver good quality builds. So Oliver thinks it is time for some

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action. A bit worrying then that is made of American government have not

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included his ideas in their big housing plan. Of course none of this

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will come as any comfort to you if you are currently sitting in a

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lounge of your new-build home with the breeze coming in under the

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skirting boards. Watching television with Harry Hill

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is like watching television with the constant running commentary! I'm

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still making TV Burp but just for the kids and family at home! We all

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shout at the telly. Let's talk about this Alien Fun Capsule. Bagging all

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the things that could potentially delight aliens, anything funny. But

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it is an interesting concept. If aliens were watching British

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television right now, what do you think they would be thinking, would

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they be enjoying it? I think they would be putting the One Show into

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their Fun Capsule. There's a lot of strange stuff on at the moment on

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TV. My family, I have three girls, they loved to watch don't tell the

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bride and say yes to the dress. You have a guy arranging the wedding and

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the girl saying oh no, what has he done! But you agree to be part of

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the show! It should not be complete surprise that he organised the whole

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thing in an Indian takeaway! But as you said, with the aliens, they

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would be watching from light years away. So it would be very old

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programmes. You different guests each week. It is a panel show.

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Basically I pitched the show to ITV and had various ideas but they said

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we would like a panel show. ITV does not really have a panel show. I have

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never even been on one let alone be the host and I do not particularly

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like them! So I have the panel. And what do you ask them? Well, not

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much! The idea originally was they would come in with funny stuff but

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it ended up with me just showing them stuff and as all laughing. But

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a lot of it is me taking the Mickey. Judith Chalmers was on the show, the

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veteran broadcaster of course. Let's just have a look. Here we go.

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Wish you were here! Hello, Judith, I wish you were here! Not in a bad

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way. I was just making a comment about the theme of Judith and her

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show. It's came across as you taking an instant dislike! I love it! We

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need a trumpet. It took a long time to learn that. Months of rehearsal.

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You also have regular rounds. One of them involves local news headlines.

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We've got our audience in tonight to help us explain. So when you're

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ready a bit of music and off you go. Large lorry negotiates tight bend.

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Comfortable mother in custard shortage. I'm not dead says

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grandmother. Early customers find booths closed. New footbath gate is

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too noisy. Thank you very much. So where did this start? Local news

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round-up is what we think. You see these headlines on boards outside

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newsagents. So we went to get as many as we could. I think we do for

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five each week. And they're all true. Those are true. Completely

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real stories. Do you have a favourite? I do like the custard

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story. With double mother in custard shortage. I'm a big fan but stubble.

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That could go in Fun Capsule. Let's stick with it.

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Harry Hill's Alien Fun Capsule continues Thursday, 8.30pm, ITV.

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"Stressed dog goes grey" could easily be another

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funny headline on Harry's local news round-up.

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But according to a new study, it's a real, serious and widespread

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problem for many dogs and their owners.

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Silver hairs, many of us discover them sooner than we would like.

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Normally the hallmark of age and maturity is often said also to be

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the tell-tale sign of stress. Could high-pressure jobs be to blame? We

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do know premature greying can be caused by genetics, disease and

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damage to the skin. But surprisingly there is little evidence that stress

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or anxiety gives us silver hairs. The science is still a bit of a grey

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area. So we were intrigued to hear about a

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study that claim to find the connection not with humans but in

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dogs. New research carried out by a group

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of universities in the USA found that there could be a link between

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dogs with prematurely grey fur and anxiety. Using a sample of 400 young

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dogs aged under four years old researchers took photographs of

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their mothers. The dogs were rated on a silver scale from no grey fur

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to a full grey nose. The study found the more likely the dog was to be

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nervous or show impulsive behaviour the more grey hairs they had. To

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find out what can make dogs anxious I meeting with behaviourist and

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trainer Louise and her dog Fred. Hello, Fred how you doing. I noticed

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he has some grey in his muscle. You must be interested in the study. It

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is fascinating, dogs can go grey because of genetics and more breeds

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are more prone to it. I've noticed a lot of younger rescued dogs that

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looked older than their years. Fred is a good example. He's just five

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years old. I took on last year. He had grave error before we got him.

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And you believe it be stressed related. I think there could be a

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link because he had a rocky start to life. You would not imagine a dog

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like this, a great Dane, to be nervous. He gets anxious? I would

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say he definitely arrived with some kind of anxious tendencies. We're

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working on that. Let's take for a walk.

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For Fred a city walk like this can be stressful. Traffic.

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Strangers. And children shouting all put him on

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edge. But for Louise this is only part of

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the story. There are other subtler signs of stress to look out for. It

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can be yawning. Lip licking. You can get ears going back, the tail

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underneath. You can find some dogs will do displacement activity, so

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they can be going towards something and start sniffing the ground as a

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way of avoiding things. There's a lot of things but it's about putting

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them all together. Louise is gradually training Fred to cope. She

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keeps an eye on his subtle cues and posture. If something makes him

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nervous she uses a command to tell him they're changing direction. In

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this way, Fred has learned to trust Louise and stay calm even when

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something worries him. I think it's about not forcing them into a

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situation. I never wanted to push him into something, I never wanted

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to make him do something. Understanding a dog's stress signs

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and what causes them can help owners build their dog's confidence and

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ultimately reduce anxiety. There's still lots more research to

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be done but understanding what changes the hair colour in dogs

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could one day help us understand what makes us go grey. In the

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meantime, recognising those signs of anxiety in our four-legged friends

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and knowing how to keep them happy could only be a good thing.

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Good boy! Well, thanks, Patrick. As you can

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see, Fred is now here on The One Show. Live, he continues to make

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great progress overcoming his nerves. Louise who we saw in the

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film feels this is the right time for him to make his debut on live

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television. He is incredibly relaxed. How has it gone getting him

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here? He's done well. We had time to familiarise himself with the studio,

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that was part of it, getting used to it, knowing he would be all right to

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come in. No stage fright at all. I wish I had done the same thing! He

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has a new friend. He does. He has make a first dog friend, a dog

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called Crocus. What do they do? They go out for walks. Of course. When

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one sniffs the other one does, when one stops the other stops. A bit of

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running around together. Listen, Harry, we know you love sausages and

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you love dogs. We have a great opportunity if you want to take this

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opportunity, you can potentially feed Fred. Open wide, Louise! Sorry,

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the dog. Not me. Fred, do you want a sausage, come on, Fred! He is a

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gentle giant. Thank you to you both. Come and see us again, Fred, keep us

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updated with the progress and how it's going. All right. Dave, we need

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more sausages! Get the frying pan on. Now Red Nose

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Day is fast approaching and it's time to get involved. We are not

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asking for money today, though. We need your laughs. Giggles, chuckles

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and chortles. Details will be along shortly. First, here is some

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hilarious inspiration. # Come up and see me, make me

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smile... It's so infectious. Can you compete with that lot? Comic Relief

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want to celebrate Britain's best laugh, if you or someone you know

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has a brilliant laugh film it on your phone and make sure it is this

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way, please. Landscape. Not this way, portrait. Yes, please send in a

:19:49.:19:53.

quick video to our usual address. We will show some of our favourite

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laughs on The One Show next week. Now, Harry, we have got some laughs

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for you right now. The question is what are these

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people laughing at that you are about to see. I see, it's a quiz.

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First, this presenter in Australia having an unprofessional moment.

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What are they laughing at? LAUGHTER

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We have options for you. OK. Is he laughing at his co-host falling

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over, Donald Trump or a grumpy cat? Cats are always funny. I am going to

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say grumpy cat. Let's have a look. It is a grumpy cat!

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Grumpy cat. Fred is laughing too. OK. On to the next one. Let's look

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at the next one. This little baby.

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Now, is this baby laughing at a snoring dog, a bowl of baked beans

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or a bald man with big collars on the telly? It can't be the last one.

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Baked beans. Let's find out. It's you! Lastly, this is from our

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show. Chatting to Dawn French in 2010. What was Dawn laughing at

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here? A dancing Daleka rude cake or Gyles Brandreth?

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It's got to be a rude cake. With Dawn. Let's find out.

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It is a rude cake! Very good. Two out of three ain't

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bad. Mike's here tonight. He wants to make it into the alien fun

:21:36.:21:41.

capsule, after all he and Harry had lots in common, not just the

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obvious. Harry loves all things weird. We could be brothers. You

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could. Mike has been on the track of a slithery cove cropping up in

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unexpected places. The tranquil waters of this lake are

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rich in aquatic life, from frogs and fish, to newts, the perfect prey for

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an animal you wouldn't normally associate with water, a long, smooth

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olive green predator, the grass snake. But there is a lot more to a

:22:17.:22:20.

grass snake than simply being, well, a snake in the grass.

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Personally I think the grass snake is one of the most poorly named

:22:26.:22:29.

animals in Britain. Most people would assume that only found on dry

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land, in amongst grass. But probably a much better name would be water

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snake. And I want to show you why.

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But the problem is finding one. The best chance of a sighting should

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be on a sunny morning, just like this.

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At the moment they'll have just come out and will be basking underneath

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that heat. They don't have ears but detect sound through vibrations in

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the ground, so my voice won't disturb them but I have to trod

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softly. For several hours, nothing. But just as we were about to give

:23:10.:23:14.

up, whilst the camera was pointing in another direction, it happened.

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This is a really exciting and frustrating in equal measure, our

:23:23.:23:27.

cameraman has just had a grass snake swim past his feet but it's

:23:28.:23:33.

disappeared. It seems to have gone under there. All we can do is sit

:23:34.:23:38.

and wait. Got it!

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It's a very, very long snake. That's got to be a metre 20. Making it a

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female, the females are generally longer. A lily pad is the perfect

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place for a rest. While tasting the air for the scent of prey. I have

:23:59.:24:05.

never seen one swimming as well as that, that's sensational.

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The best views I have ever had of grass snake, but I want to find out

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how it swims so well. It means getting a much closer look

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in more controlled surroundings. I am only handling this marvellous

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beast here with a special permission of the good folk here. It let's me

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show you why a grass snake is a grass snake. For me the key feature

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is that yellow collar behind its head. They get a really close-up

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view of its eye, the pupil is round, not like a vertical cat's eye pupil

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but I am not here to look into its eyes, I am here to look at its

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aquatic skills so we have set up a snake swimming pool. Under water and

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slow motion cameras will allow us to film it in action. Right, it's the

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moment of truth. Time to see how our swimmer gets on in the specially

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rigged tank. Here we go!

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Oh! Look at that! Powering away with the S-shaped

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curves. Slow motion reveals how the snake swims forward. With each turn

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its body acts like a paddle, pushing the water back to propell the snake

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forward. Its stream-lined body glides through

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the water. Strong muscles keep its head raised

:25:36.:25:42.

well above the surface. On the look out for predators and

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prey. Grass snakes really are perfectly

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adapted for an aquatic lifestyle. So next time you take a stroll along

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the water's edge, see if you can spot one of these skilful serpents

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swimming silently past. Isn't that a beautiful film? Thank

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you, Mike. Harry, it will come as no surprise to you that the grass snake

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is not a great name for that particular animal, because all

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afternoon you have been busy for us. Mike, pick it up from here. We gave

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you animal names that were slightly ridiculous and weird and asked you

:26:28.:26:32.

to draw what you thought they were. The first one was mountain chicken.

:26:33.:26:37.

I have drawn this, right. He is up a mountain. I like it. His beak is

:26:38.:26:43.

brightly coloured so that a plane won't hit him. Quite fat. He stays

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nice and warm up there. Accuracy, one. It's actually a frog. The

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largest frog in the Caribbean Islands. It lives up mountains and

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apparently tastes like chickens. It's disappearing fast. What is

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next? The next one is a... You tell us. You said it's a killdeer.

:27:13.:27:19.

Poisoned horns, it's got a helicopter landing pad. That's

:27:20.:27:24.

brilliant. That bit is remarkably accurate. Actually, it's not.

:27:25.:27:29.

Killdeer is not a killer deer and it's not a killer of deer. It's

:27:30.:27:46.

actually a north American mid-sized bird. One more. The Hickory Horned

:27:47.:27:58.

Devil. I am afraid it's a caterpillar from the north-east

:27:59.:28:01.

American forest. It's jumbo-sized, about the size of a hot-dog. It has

:28:02.:28:08.

amazing tips like a horned devil and it is utterly harmless. There you

:28:09.:28:14.

go. A huge round of applause for Harry. When Harry has more time this

:28:15.:28:19.

is what he can produce. Harry is hoping to get into the Royal Academy

:28:20.:28:27.

of Art, with this. His version of Monarch of the Glen. Stunning. We

:28:28.:28:32.

wish you all the best. Mike, thank you so much. Wonderful. That's your

:28:33.:28:35.

lot tonight. A big thank you to Harry Hill!

:28:36.:28:45.

Alien Fun Capsule continues on Thursday 8pm on ITV. Tomorrow we

:28:46.:28:50.

have a stellar line-up, we will be joined by the stars of a new film

:28:51.:29:03.

Life, Rebecca Ferguson and how old A lister Jake Gyllenhall. Sheena

:29:04.:29:12.

Easton will be making an entrance with 42 tap dancers. See you then.

:29:13.:29:14.