18/10/2012 The One Show

Hello and welcome to the One Show with Alex Jones. And Matt Baker.

Tonight's guest has made it his mission to continue the joyful year

Britain has had so far. Yes, and it has been full of joy. We've had the

Jubilee, the Olympics, the Paralympics. Don't forget the bake-

off. Who could forget! Who better to build on all that happiness than

this man. LAUGHTER

It's Jack Dee! Jack. Hello. Gfrpblgts day? Me,

yeah, look, you know, I'm not usually on stage until later in the

evening. I haven't built myself up to be as jolly as when I'm on stage.

Of course, you didn't sleep last night, did you? I didn't sleep. I

never sleep well any way. You were in a hotel. You weren't keen were

you? I don't like any hotels. They're pointless. It did look like

something from the Shining. going to start sleeping in the car.

The colour scheme is a little bit... This was based on the interior of

the Titanic. I had a sinking feeling when I arrived. You tweeted

that picture didn't you? I tweeted it. It stops me talking to myself.

Instead of bottling it all up, I can take a photo and show everyone.

There it is. It's pointless. I didn't know you would show it.

think we're showing more. It would have made it more interesting.

have said, keep snap ago way throughout. We like this one of

this sign in Belfast. "Climbing onto the big fish is prohibited."

That's extraordinary. What does that mean? Were you tempted to

climb on a big fish? Not for one minute. It was on a huge mosaic

Need signs for that. You can't underestimate other people. There

will be people doing all that kind of stuff I guess. People will be

clamouring over that fish now. can you beat that with a comedy

photo of your own, send them in. Tell us your name and where it was

taken. In a bed in Birmingham lies a brave 14-year-old girl whose

condition is being watched around the world. Three years ago, Malala

Yousafzai kept an online diary about life in rural Pakistan under

the Taliban, after they banned young girls from getting an

education. Last week she was shot by extremists as she returned home

on a school minibus with friends. She had to have a bullet removed

from her skull. On Monday she was flown here and taken to the Queen

Elizabeth hospital for treatment. As Birmingham has strong cultural

links to Pakistan, we asked local school children to read from her

diaries. The first voice you'll hear is hers. "I want to get my

education. I want to become a Malala Yousafzai, the teenage girl

who dared to defy the Taliban was shot in the head. In 2009,

militants controlling the Swat Valley decreed that girls schools

must close. Malala, just 11 then, started a blog for the BBC you are

Only 11 students attended the class out of 27. The number decreased

because of the Taliban's edict. My three friends have shifted to

Peshawar, Lahore and Rawalpindi with their families after this

edict. On my way home, I heard a man saying "I will kill you." I

hastened my pace. After a while I looked back to see if the man was

coming behind me. To my utter relief he was talking on his mobile

and must have been threatening someone else over the phone. The

whole night was full of the extremely loud roaring noise of the

tanks. It woke me up three times. Since today was the last day of our

school, we decided to play in the playground a bit longer. I'm of the

view that the school will one day re-open, but as I leave I look at

the school like it will never open again. Just cannot imagine

witnessing those situations at such a young age. Not at all. Baroness

Warsi say Foreign Office minister with special responsibility for

Pakistan. She's a Muslim with a daughter who is exactly the same

age as Malala. Welcome to the show. The education that your daughter's

received couldn't be more different, could it? It couldn't. They're both

14. They both love school. My daughter takes it for granted that

she can go every day, whenever she wants to go. Malala had to fight

every step of the way to have an education. Her life was turned

upside down in the Swat Valley, which is such a beautiful part of

Pakistan. It's a place where a lot of people used to be for their

honeymoon. Then the Pakistani Taliban took over and imposed this

vicious rule which included denying the right of girls to go to school

and have an education. So does this suggest that the Taliban are moving

back into that area? There's a kind of undercurrent in terms of a

cultural viewpoint about whether or not girls should go to school. But

actually, the Pakistani Army were very successful in moving into the

area and driving the Taliban out which is why girls started to go

back to school. But it's on ongoing battle. What difference has

Malala's campaign made since she started? This brave little girl has

highlighted to the world and put a spotlight on the challenges that

girls face all over the world in accessing education. Sadly, the

justification that was given by the Pakistani Taliban for denying girls

education was based on religion. I am a Muslim. There is no basis

whatsoever in Islam for women not to have an education. Therefore

it's important that people speak out. I think the outrage we've seen

across the world, across the Muslim world and the West, she's touched

so many lives and it's united people in saying this is

unacceptable. There's been a vigil in Birmingham today. I mean, and

people obviously showing their support in lots of ways across the

world. There are. Petitions have been set up. Donations have been

made. Gifts, people are offering. They're taking to the streets. I

think, but it is tragic that it's taken a shooting of a little girl

to highlight what is a tragic issue. It highlights the challenge that

Pakistan has in relation to education. 46% of primary school

children do not go to school in Pakistan. It's right that as a

government we've actually put a lot of money in Pakistan to get four

million children back into school and train thousands of teachers, so

we're doing our bit to support Pakistan in supporting kids get an

education, especially girls. hospital have told us that Malala

is stable and responding well to the treatment. Of course, we wish

her well. Thank you so much for joining us. Speaking of

inspirational people, can we just say a big thanks to you for getting

our rickshaw challenge off to a great start last night. We met

Kieran, Darren, Jack, James, Jamelia and Lauren, the six

fantastic young people who will be cycling from Llandudno to London.

Good pronunciation. You've already raised �14,000 and there'll be

plenty more opportunity to get to know the team in the next few weeks.

From the Concord to the Sinclair C5, some Infield ventions have promised

to -- some inventions have promised to change the way we travel. Here's

Marty Jopson remembering another futuristic mode of transport that

never quite made it to the 21st century.

Traditionally there are set ways for a vehicle to get around. Hulls

for water, wheels for land and wings or rotor blades for air. In

the 1950s, a totally revolutionary transport was invented the hover

craft. The idea of travelling on a cushion of air first began to be

explored in the 1870s, when Sir John Isaac Thornycroft realise

today was the perfect way to reduce the friction of boats moving

through water. The theory being that the less of a boat's hull is

in water, the less drag there would be. Over the next 80 years people

tried to find a way of doing this. Along the way they invented

hydrofoils and the icranoplan. But nobody got it to hover on air

because it couldn't create enough downforce to do this. All that

changed in the 1950s when Sir Christopher Cockrell wrestled with

this problem. One Saturday evening he came up with the novel idea of

using a ring of high pressure air to create a cushion upon which the

vehicle would ride and that was his eureka! Moment. Having an idea is

one thing, but what he had to do was demonstrate it working in the

real world. To do this, he used two different sized tin cans, an air

blower, and a set of kitchen scales. Putting the small can inside the

larger creates a thin gap between them. When air is blown through

this, a ring shaped jet is created. To see what a difference this makes,

let's see how much downforce my let's see how much downforce my

hairdryer creates on its own. That's about 200 grams of force

downwards. Now let's see how much is created when the air jet is

attached to the same hairdryer. Now it's around 350 grams of pressure.

Much more. This happens because the air jet acts as a curtain trapping

a cushion of air that something can ride on or hover. He knew he'd

created something revolutionary, but he had trouble developing a

full-sized prot type. He went to the navy, Air Force and Army. They

all said the same thing - this is not for us. It's not a ship. It's

not an aeroplane or a land vehicle. He was stumped. In the end he went

to a flying boat manufacturer and they built the first man carrying

hover craft four years after the model. On July 25, 1959, the

prototype made the first channel prototype made the first channel

crossing. The channel is our shop window for hover craft. From this

small beginning the invention was scaled up to Carrie passengers and

was supposed to herald a new age for travel. It reached its pinnacle

with the mount batten class hover craft which carried hundreds of

passengers cross the channel in airline style. But it wasn't to

last. The abolition of duty free meant less money was coming in. And

this coupled with high maintenance costs meant it could no longer turn

a profit. The cross-channel service finally came to a close in 2000.

The only scheduled hover craft service in the UK now is to and

from the Isle of Wight. Where Christopher thought hover craft

could move into a huge number of areas, we've moved into fairly

specialist markets. Generally they're used where a boat has

problems. It could be that there's ice. There could be a lot of weed

in the river. It could be shallow water. It has to be specific. If

you can use a boat, you don't need a hover craft. There's now a

thriving industry supplying hover craft all over the world to rescue

services such as the RNLI and people like the Indian coastguard

who want to patrol the shallow coastal waurtsz. -- waters. There

are many kinds of great inventions but my favourites are the one

that's are truly revolutionary, the first of their kind, things like

the printing press, the internet and I would put into that category

the hover craft. The things you can do with two tin

cans and a hairdryer. You liked that bit. I did. Do you miss the

romance of the cross-channel hover craft snoo I do. Very often I look

over from the white cliffs of Dover thinking if only there was a hover

craft, the scene would be complete. I travel by hover craft frequently.

Yeah I do. I'm going to Edinburgh on October 29...

LAUGHTER I'm doing a show there actually. I

will be arriving by hover craft. Excellent. Well, your new TV panel

show is called Don't Sit In The Front Row. Why? It's on Sky

Atlantic. Well basically like a panel show but it involves the

audience. Have you comedians chatting to the audience and

finding out about them, selected people. It's good fun. All

improvised really. No-one knows what's going to happen. It's been

great. We've recorded two series now. Is this retribution. Did you

think, I know, I've been heckled in the past, I'm going to get them

back. Do I look like a spiteful, vengeful person? We're just asking

the question. Absolutely not. If anything I'm on their side. I

always say, if anyone gets out of hand, you know, give me the nod and

I'll wade in as well. But no-one has come away thinking that. That

was my worry that it would be like shooting fish and a barrel really.

But actually, the odds are stacked against the comedians. The

comedians have to make it look good. Sometimes you do err on the side of

the comedians that are up there. We have a clip. You're with Josh

Widdicombe. You give it a hard time. So you find the one example where I

ganged up on someone. He's a software designer called Dave.

was the last software you wrote? "if" statement. What? And "if

"statement. I'm going back to my previous question. If this, do that.

I'm not in software, but seems a lot easier than I thought it would

be. I have a holiday snap of Dave. There is no comparison. The woman

is swimming free and Dave in the life jacket calling out to take the

photo. So, Daves with OK after that?

was fine. He enjoyed it. It was a good show.

That was Josh Widdecombe there. He is a new comedian. He is nine years

old, doing very well. You have guest-presented lots of

shows and been the captain of panels, is it tougher being the

main man? Obviously because I do it, I make out it is a much more

difficult job that no-one else can I like being in control. I'm a

control freak. Do you not think you would be

prefer to be doing what the others are doing? No, I get a cup of tea

under the desk and I relax. Frank is in charge. We have frank Skinner,

Sue Perkins, Hugh Dennis, a whole array of comedians.

You are back on tour yourself? tour. I'll be in Edinburgh on the

29th. Via hovercraft, we do know that.

Why six years, why so long? thought that someone had to

continue the magic of 2012. After the Olympics, Sebastian Coe rang me

to say there was a lull. He said there was an anti-climactic

feel in the country, would I go on tour and carry the Torch of Hope

further. Then Danny Boyl e rang up to say he was sorry I was not in

the opening ceremony. Then I woke I was in a Travel Lodge outside of

Rotherham. You have had brilliant reviews, but

they are all talking about the ending? That is a surprise. I will

give you a clue... It is a banjo! Well, doing this on a hovercraft to

Edinburgh will be something. Did you know in less than a month's

time if you live in England and Wales, you will be able to vote for

the person running your local Police Force? If the answer is no,

don't worry, not many people do. What will the news Police and Crime

Commissioners do? Tony Livesy is in Manchester to find out.

What would you do if you had the power to set the police priorities

in your area? Just for today, I will try my hand at backing the

Police and the Crime Commissioner for Greater Manchester. You know

what, there is a new Sheriff in town. After that pigeon depositing,

there is the first arrest. The new Police and Crime Commissioners are

to replace the current police authorities and to have the power

to determine budgets, and to hire and fire Chief Constables. This is

the TV advert to encourage us to vote.

ADVERTISEMENT: Tackling the crimes that matter the most... What sort

of things do the people of Manchester want the new police and

commissioners to tackle? There are not enough police walking the

streets like there used to be. came out at night, there was no-one

around. I would like to keep my voters

happy to get more coppers on the street, but would the decision be

mine to take? Ed Boyd is guiding me through what I can and cannot do in

the job. Here is my first radical suggestion. Look at that, one of

the richest Football Clubs on the planet, but on match day, they only

pay for the policing inside the grounds. I will make they will pay

for it all. But there was a case in 2008 a

Football Club challenged the police and stopped them from charging ..It

Could save millions? It could cost millions in legal fees.

That clipped my wings. I don't want to get cause up in

years of legal action. As the night falls now, it hits me what is

missing on the streets. I want more Bobbies on the beat.

That is a good idea. If we put the police in areas of high crime that

works, but it costs a lot of money. Excellent, I could be allowed to

get the police officers on duty, but figure out how to pay for it

later. Maybe if there are stricter penalties, there will be fewer in

the first place. I want people in Manchester to get the message, zero

tolerance of crime. That will take up your resources.

I will get them from somewhere else. Ensure that the public are on board.

A year ago, a violent and alcohol- related crime was above the

national average. One in eight of all alcohol-related

crimes took place in the city centre. If I was elected the Police

Commissioner, I would impose earlier closing times. Surely I can

do that? There is a lot of trouble in the city centres. A blanquette

last orders? You can't override the pub owners.

You can't shut the pubs at 1.00am? I thought that would have been in

my control, not the local authority, but as the Police Commissioner I

could make and influence the decisions that affect how the local

areas look and feel. Things like CCTV, street lighting and graffiti.

I have come up with a plan. It could provide the money that I need

for the zero tolerance policy. It is likely to prove controversial.

What I have decided to do is legalise prostitution and cannabis.

Free up the officers for other duties? You can't change the laws.

It seems there is a lot of red tape to stop a maverick like me to do

what I want in the job. After the elections, the police and the crime

panels assess the performance of the commissioner and enable the

public to consider or challenge their decisions.

Chewing gum to be made non-sticky so we do have that problem on the

floor? Police horses to be hired out for

kids' parties when they are not on duty? I don't think that will work.

I am tired. I need somewhere peaceful, solitary and out of the

way where I can recover. I know, I will arrest myself. I will give

them this back while I'm at it. I wonder how the police chiefs will

react to this. Dr Tim Brain, you used to be the police chief of

Gloucester. How would you react by being told what to do by someone

who does not have police experience at all? We know that many elected

will not have the experience. But the Chief Constables are

adaptable. They are used to getting on with people. They are

experienced and used to dealing with the local politicians. They

will want to make this work and I suspect on the first minutes after

the election is announced on the 15th of November, they will be

congratulating who has got it. They will want to make it work and the

commissioners, if they have sense, will use their experience to make

it work as well. How much power will the elected

commissioners have? They set budgets and policing priorities,

but how it is used, how the force op rates, how it works is still

down to the Chief Constable. The commissioner cannot interfere in

operations. So there will not be a situation,

such as in saying that cannabis is OK in one county and in another

they turn a blind eye to it? remain as law, but how the policy

is applied, that could be determined by the police and crime

commissioner, but we have to wait to see how it works in practise.

This is a big change. What do you make of all of this, Jack? If you

could change anything, what would it be? With the Police Force? Yes.

I noticed a few years ago they made it OK to be a bit shorter if u why

are a policeman. They stopped the height restriction. I also noticed

that they did not make the helmets smaller to correspond. A lot of

small policemen now look like children who have gotten dressed up,

I find. I was stopped by a helmet shuffling along the pavement with a

tiny policeman underneath it. They should have changed the helmet size.

Now, most commissioners will have the weight of a political party

behind them, is it possible for the politicians to stay impartial?

may try to do that, but in reality when the chips are down they will

have to be loyal to the parties that put them in place.

Thank you very much. As well as the tour, Jack, you are

also recording... I would like to contribute to that. It was a great

contribution. Now, I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue is

back. It is the 40th anniversary, let's have a few pictures to your

wonderful words Many don't know the difference between atmosphere and

am beans. Ambience is what takes Barry Cryer back to his home after

his show. Words are constantly changing

meaning. I will ask the teams to suggest new definitions that they

may have spotted recently. Graeme Garden? Himalayas and chickens...

Collier, like a collie, but more so. Polygamy, the ancient art of wife

folding. So, Jack, you are hosting a

television show, Don't Sit In The Front Row, as we said. And then you

are on radio, which gets you more excited? I am really lucky.

Especially to step into I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, that is a legendary

show. It has been there for so long. It sort of came my way. I enjoy

that so much. It is great, great fun.

A bit different from a comedian's point of view to do radio? In some

ways it can be more fun, it is less complicated. You don't worry about

the technical side. You just talk and it is recorded. Sometimes I

pinch myself doing that show. I think I am working with the

Goodies! I grew up watching them on the telly, here they are, they are

really... Old! Let's hope they are not watching.

It is incredible you are doing it. You are squeezing so much in such a

short time? You grab it while you can.

We have had lots of signs sent in, inspired by Jack. We don't know how

many have been tampered with This is from Justin. It says:

Caution. Sharp plant, please, do not eat.

This is from Michael: That is a sarcastic sign.

This one is brilliant. Please note, that cat milk does not

come from cats! That is from Clare Harris.

Jack, do you recognise this big fish? That is what it is, you see.

They should have read the sign. Yes, climbing on the big fish. Now

we have time to mention, last night's show when so many of you

gave up your time to visit people in hospital to cheer them up a

little bit. What a wonderful night it was.

Now, we have heard from people, jugglers, musicians, many people

across the country wanting to get involved. So, a big thank you.

Jack's tour is out now. Watch out for him. Don't Sit In The Front Row