19/02/2014 The One Show

Hello and welcome to the One Show with Gabby Logan. And Matt Baker. I

haven't been here for a while. Can you tell me a bit about where

tonight is going to start? Sorry, I haven't a clue! Stop it! From Sorry

I Haven't A Clue, welcome to Barry Cryer, Tim Brooke-Taylor, Jeremy

Hardy and Graeme Garden. I felt like I was a Radio 4 announcer! The show

has been blogging for over 40 years. All right! It is incredibly

popular. Can anyone of you begin to describe the madness and what the

show is all about? The original idea was to do a comedy show without a

prescription. Basically, get people to do silly things, set as if it was

a game show. It was a parody of panel games as they used to be 40

years ago. The Radio Times says it is the antidote to panel games. 40

years later, it is kind of the template for panel games now. We'll

be talking about that point a little bit later. The man who also features

in the programme is your pianist, Colin Sell. Frankly, Colin usually

never gets a edgeways. Poor Colin! Tonight, we are going to give Colin

aid for use. -- a voice. He hasn't got a voice. He hasn't got a

microphone or anything. It would seem the microphone is in vain. He

doesn't like it. He spoke! He's never been the same since he found

the lid opens. They will be doing most of the talking throughout the

evening about their new tour. It will feature all of the old

favourites, such as the Uxbridge English Dictionary, in which the

team come up with new definitions for current words. To get you into

that home, we'd like to put you to the test now. We will kick off with

Jeremy was pandemonium. It's a musical instrument that won't breed

in captivity. OK. Barry, go for it. Binge. Where Sean Connery puts his

rubbish. Graeme, definite. Its street slang for hard of hearing.

Finish us off with Arsenal. The whole body. Think about it.

Brilliant! Or just an underperforming football team. If

you can do any better at home, we'd like to hear from you. Come up with

definitions for the following words. Macaroon. Parsnip. And finally,

deduce. That got some reaction. E-mail us at the usual address,

[email protected]. We will be doubt the best later. Put your name

on and where you are from. The honesty of the public has been

called into question this week, with the news that WH Smith is scrapping

some of it so called honesty box is scrapping some of it so called

honesty boxes at stations and airports. Phil Tufnell has more

faith in people and was prepared to put his money where his mouth is.

Everybody loves and honesty box but apparently sometimes for the wrong

reasons. So we've come to Bromley to set up our very own honesty box,

full of umbrellas, to see what happens. Let the experiment begin!

We've got one. He's had a look, no. A bit like fly fishing, just running

the old fly across the fish's knows. Come on, someone take a bite.

Someone has gone in there. I think they've put the money in the job.

Let's have a word with them. Did you put your money in? We put a pound in

each. What do you think about honesty boxes, are you honest? We

are, but as we walked away we thought someone would make the money

out of the pot. We feel good that we've been honest, and now we are on

TV for it. We've got some more takers.

Where rain. Got one. Do you think honesty boxes are a good thing?

Guess, if there's enough people to be honest. As a nation, do you think

we are quite honest? The majority of people. It's OK with umbrellas,

perhaps not diamonds all jewellery! Someone has pinched a brolly, we are

two quid short. Would you leave your balloons with a little box? I

couldn't do that. Would they be gone? I think they are going for it.

I'm not quite sure what happened there but I think someone put some

money in the jar and didn't take an umbrella. He thought it was a

charity box. Yes. I didn't think I was going to get an umbrella out of

it. We owe you an umbrella. You've given us the money, so I'm going to

get you your umbrella. Let's have a little count up. We should have 20

quid here. Two, three, 18, ?19.20. Minus the ?1.50 from the chap who

didn't take a brolly and he thought was a charity box, we are about

three or four quid light. It's quite a good effort, we're quite an honest

nation. I'm a big fan of the honesty box. Can any of you be trusted with

an honesty box, have you used one? I collect them.

I have them outside my shows. If you thought it was funny, put a coin in

here. It rarely rattles. I thought it was like a swear box. If you say,

you do look fat in that, then you have to put a quid in. You have to

put a little bit more in if you haven't got change. I put more in.

We are stupid! You and Graeme were the original founders. How did it

come about? It came about because Tim and I were involved in a radio

show, which was called, I'm sorry, I'll Read that again. It was a

sketch show. There is an eclectic mix of age and our audience this

evening. Some of them aren't going to last the winter! It's badly paid

and you have to write more to fill the half-hour. This was a way round

it. Bill Oddie and I were writing the radio series, we got work on

television as well. We thought, we don't have time to write the radio,

so why don't we do it without a prescription? The way to do would be

to base it on a panel game but have ludicrous games and hopefully the

funny people will write their scripts as they go along. The

original series had John Cleese, Bill Oddie, me, Tim in it, John

dropped out. Led the way for the likes of Mock The Week and Have I

Got News For You. In what ways do you think your show has influenced

the modern panel show as we know it? Wii I think it has a very well

thought out chaos. It's at its best when it's falling apart. We don't

know what each other is going to come up with. No formula really.

What I like is none of us are trying to outdo the others, we are just

trying to keep the ball is in the air. That's one of the things that

attracts over 2 million people a week to the show. It's incredible

for that longevity, to have that faithful audience that will come and

go throughout time, people are going to grow into the show. People grow

into Radio 4. Arthur Smith did a gig near where I live and he pointed out

some young ones in the audience and said, do you listen to Radio 4? This

young guy said, no. He said, you will all stop We were talking about

the environment that people like to sit in when they are listening to

your show and what kind of mood it puts them in. From Bromley, we've

got Janet in the audience. Just tell us what situation you are in when

you are listening to the lads. It seems like a long time now. We've

been going to something called practical philosophy, where we have

a meditation group. But on our way from Chislehurst, Bromley, near

where we live, to Croydon, to get to our group, we always have your show

on. We can be in absolute stitches when we get there. We park, and then

when we go in its all gone and we meditate. Puts them in perfect state

for the meditation. A lot of people listening to the show have to have

counselling! We've already had some people with Uxbridge dictionary

definitions coming in. Steve e-mailed us, did use, what you get

when you squeeze de oranges. Anne Clough said it is dad's vasectomy.

That is going to raise quite a few questions from our younger viewers.

Golfing one is forebear. You wouldn't want an average vasectomy,

pick the best. This tour, is that similar to what we would hear on the

radio? Very similar. We do two halves like you do in the theatre,

we almost pretend they are two recordings. Is it recorded? It's

not. Does that mean you can be a bit more risque? We are naked. Is that

not usually the case on radio? With compliance these days you can't be

naked. They've cracked down hard on that. Have you got rock 'n' roll

riders? Werther's Originals. It's a visual feast, it's a spectacular. To

be honest, you don't really know what is going to happen on these

evenings. You can get tickets to see it, they are on sale at the moment.

The next stop is Newcastle on Tuesday. You will have to wear your

blinker. You are nicking their gags. You can get arrested for that these

days. Gull next week we've got Jerry Springer on the show, but did you

know that Jerry Springer was actually born in a London

Underground station. It's not Mornington Crescent. Born or

conceived? He was born. Conceived at turn's green. We would love to hear

from you if you were born in a very unusual place, definitely not a

hospital or house. Tell us your stories at the usual e-mail address,

[email protected]. Any unusual birth stories from you. At any of

you got one to contribute? I was born in Aberdeen. Just to confirm,

we are not joking about this. We do seriously want your birth stories.

There's not a huge amount of science in the marking system in Sorry I

Haven't A Clue. In that there's not much of a marking system. But an

awful lot of thought went into how another game was scored, years, in

fact. Which evil wizard invented this infuriated thing? You aim for

20 and what do you get? One. The numbers are cleverly arranged all

over the door dash back the dart board to reduce your chance of

getting a high score. But who was the wretched man who came up with

it? The legend is his name was Brian Gamblin, and he dream did up in

1896. I have come to bury in Lancashire, because that is where

I'm told he's from. Berry are so proud of their famous son they've

even said it in flowers, 5000 of them, topped with three giant darts.

This display won a national award in 2009. But they are bragging about

someone they know very little about. They know he was a carpenter. Beyond

that, nothing. I thought the library archives would tell us more. They've

given me all the back issues of the local paper for the whole of 1896,

when the dartboard was supposed to have been invented. Guess what I'm

of the words Gamlin and dartboard do not appear. Perhaps its descendants

are still here. No. Who ever he was, darts took off as a national

sport in the 1920s. The day championship games on TV draw huge

audiences. It's reckoned that 7 million of us play regularly. And

it's become a world sport, played in 60 countries. Bullseye has even

entered the language in Mongolia. Most people take the jumble of

numbers for granted, but statisticians save the layout is

close on perfect to punish inaccuracy. Look at the penalties if

you missed the high numbers. Missed 20 and you get five or one. The 17

sits between three and two. Professor David Percy says they

could have been configured in millions of ways.

There we are. This sector can take 20 numbers. This one can take 19

numbers. THAT can be 18 and so on. Multiply those together to get 20

factorial... What about the people who have made a living out of it?

This must be the place. King of Darts, Bobby George, please. One of

our best-known internationals, the king, says the secret to good darts

is not hitting the target, but also knowing the hundreds of number

combinations by heart. Let's see the master in action. He is showing me

501 where you count back to zero but have to end on a double on the outer

ring. When he misses, he knows instantly how to recover. You have

61 left, treble 15, double 8. If you hit the 15, leaves you 46. You have

10 or a a 6 there. If you hit the 10, double 18. You don't see the

numbers. They come out. If there is anything the king doesn't know about

the board, meet Dr Darts. He is the only person in the world to hold a

PhD in darts. Determined to find out more about Gamblin, he's spent weeks

ploughing through the death records for the whole of Lancashire. Guess

what? I could find nothing. So, in the end, I made the natural

assumption that the man didn't exist. So, if he didn't exist, who

was the genius behind our dartboard? I think it was a guy called Thomas

Buckle. He lived in Yorkshire. I found he became a dartboard maker in

the trade directories, so there was more to sustain the Buckle story.

You had the family context. You had the evidence through the record

office, through the trade directory, that this man existed. Your money is

on him? My money's on Bucking. -- Buckle. Best not to mention that

scurrilous notion in these parts. Brian Gamblin may have been from

Bury and may have vented the dartboard, but it was Bury St

Edmunds! I can hear people screaming at the telly now in Lancashire!

Believe whatever you want to. We have been inundated with all these

people coming in with the Uxbridge English Dictionary words. What about

this one - deduce. A stammering tennis umpire. Good lad! Patricia

has gone along with the golfing theme on parsnip. Golfer's haircut.

Very good. Music plays a big part in the show. Colin is here. Let's have

another round of applause for Colin. APPLAUSE

Barry, can you explain? Title is self-explanatory. One song to the

tune of another? It is self-explanatory. That is what it

says on the tin! A particularly favourite of mine is My Old Man's A

Dustbin to the tune of Heartbreak Hotel. We have another gem coming up

now - One Tune To Another. It is one of the better ones. What is it?

Tim's solo! It's Girlfriend in a Coma to Tiptoe Through The Tulips.

Oh! Let's have a go then. # Girlfriend in a coma

# I know I know # That it's serious

# So girlfriend # In the coma

# I know. # I know

# It's really serious # There were times when

# I could have murdered her # But you know

# I hate anything # To happen to her.

# Do you # Really think she'll pull through

# Do you # Really think she'll pull through

# Oh # Girlfriend

# In the coma # I know I know

# Yes, it's serious # Yes, it's

# Oh my. # Let's keep on that musical theme.

Karaoke-Cokey. Audience, you have been issued with kazoos. Please

insert them carefully and correctly. And what will happen is you will

play a tune which will be displayed to you using the digital laser

display board provided by the BBC and we will try and guess what you

are playing. We have no idea and we will guess and if we get it right,

we will press the buzzer. A genuine, antique BBC buzzer. This is amazing.

You win nothing at all! You can play along at home. Tonight, we are

honoured to be joined by one of the world record-breaking kazoo team.

Who would that be? ME! Brilliant. High-five. Let's do this. Take it

away, Colin. You have to buzz! That's three

buzzes. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

Well done to all of our kazoo players. We are going to go live to

a special guest to intro our next film. You are on, Morph! Do the

link. Do the link! My father was Tony Hart, TV artist

and children's presenter. And he presented and drew on children's

programmes for almost 50 years during his career. The programme I

remember best of all was Vision On. The music is very evocative. Not

just of my childhood, but many childhoods because Pa was drawing

for so long on TV. I'm not going to ice a cake. What I'm going to do is

going to be completely inedible. My father would find art in it somehow

or he would use it to create drawings or pictures, useful

implements from the kitchen did have a habit of disappearing. Many of

these things would turn up in the studio covered in paint. After

breakfast, usually the Sunday morning when we would have a boiled

egg, when your egg was finished, you would turn the shell upside-down and

draw a face on it. That's something that goes on in our family to this

very day. E When my father came out of the Army, he studied art. From

there, he went to London. He went to a party and he met a producer who

was looking for an artist who could draw quickly for a programme called

Saturday Special. Pa drew on a paper napkin and the producer said,

"You're hired! " My father was involved with quite a number of

programmes. He designed the Blue Peter ship. I was most aware of Pa's

popularity by the reaction of my school mates and I would say my

father is Tony Hart, the artist on TV. And they wouldn't believe me. So

I would have to ask him to come and pick-me-up from school so I could

show him and say, "There, it is true, he is my Dad! " There were so

many inserts that went into Vision On. Quite a lot of them were filmed

at the house. If I was at home, that was hugely exciting - loved it.

There was one occasion when I had to help and it was brilliant. This

place is very important to my father because it was founded by two young

men who created a company called Aardman Animations after one of the

characters they created which was used in Vision On. They of course

went on to produce Wallace and Gromit and they have gone on from

strength to strength. When Vision On came to an end, my father's producer

said the format is lovely but we need something alongside you, not

someone, but something. Morph, do you think that is a good idea? From

then on, my father's name was synonymous with Morph.

We're making a Morph. Always! For me, it is almost like a nervous

habit. Many people always assume that it was Pa who invented Morph.

Does this upset you at all? Not at all. Not at all, no. Oh. A Tony

Morph! For you. Thank you so much. He once said when somebody asked

him, you should never work with children or animals, or plasticine.

Yes. Pa continued to work right up to

2000. After my mother died, which was a tremendous shock, he had had

several small strokes and that resulted in the loss of the use of

his right hand which meant, of course, he could no longer draw. He

was in hospital and then I woke up in the early hours of the morning, I

could hear the phone doing a strange beep which meant there was a message

left and it was the hospital to say he had gone. All the people who,

even today they will come and find me and say, "I'm an art teacher, I'm

an illustrator and I am this thing because of your Dad." That is just

the most wonderful legacy he could possibly have left. Well, he was a

real inspiration for me. Isn't the family resemblance striking.

Following a campaign, Aardman Animations are to release 15 Morph

animations to be shown in the summer.

Owen is part of the Tap Attack attack. How come we are so good at

this? We work together and it is such a close family. The

choreographers are great. This routine was choreographed... We are

going to see a bit. So get ready to do it.

It will be brilliant. To all of our guests tonight, you can see I'm

Sorry I Haven't A Clue on tour right now. We are going to leave you with

Tap Attack. Take it away, guys!