21/05/2013 The One Show

with Matt Baker and Alex Jones. Tonight's guest is a father of

three, and he spends his days Mocking the Week. He has been

described as the most British man that Ardal has ever met. It's Hugh

Dennis. : How is that? We were both in a sitcom together called My Hero

and we used to drive together in the same car, because we lived near each

other. I can't remember. I don't know what I'd done. He described me

as the most British person he had ever met. I've never quite known

whether to be ashamed of that or delighted. It's a difficult one to

know how to take. We thought we would clear it up so we got in touch

with Ardal and we asked him to write down what he meant. The result is

in. Here we go. He told us, "It's meant to be a compliment. Hugh

Dennis, you epitomise a certain type of Britishness. You are modest,

practical, fair-minded, you have a well-stocked toolbox." That's

apparently. That's certainly true. He'll know that. You do like toast?

I love toast. There you are, then. That's it. Does that make me British

then? He goes on. There's another sentence, "In another era you would

almost certainly been the Viceroy of a small country." There is the

proof. How do you like your toast? There was a point where I ate almost

nothing but toast. I would eat ten slices. I like it.Now I'm down to

two. It's bad for me to eat that much. I sort of stopped. Well, if

you at home are doing something typically British, maybe you are

doing it right now, or eating toast, 12 slices, send us a picture and

we'll see if you can out-British hue. -- Hugh. Hugh has written a

book called Britty Britty Bang Bang. More on that later. It's been ten

years since using your mobile while driving was banned and in that time

over one million drivers have been convicted. It seems to be a law that

the public have decided they ignore sometimes, but as Martin Bayfield

finds out, using your phone on the road can have deadly consequences.

Down there is our researcher, Lucy and for the last 30 minutes she's

been counting the number of people using their mobile phones whilst

driving. She is not looking for people using hands-free, just those

who are talking or texting while holding the phone. How many people

have you seen so far? I've had 18 people, either talking or texting on

their phone. In the last 30 minutes, 18 people. One woman using a tablet

computer to do a bit of typing. That's more than one person breaking

the law every two minutes on this stretch of road. And it's a big

problem, because using a mobile phone while driving can seriously

impair your concentration. When people are talking on their phone

the research suggests they are four times more likely to have an

accident. However, when they are texting, there is evidence to say

that that risk increases to more than 20 times. They are effectively

as dangerous as a drink driver. Today, I'm out with South Wales

police officers who are on the lookout for offenders. We could have

multiple accidents caused by one person who is deciding to have a

look at their phone and read a text. So many things people can do with

their phones, that they are being distracted. Drivers caught using

their mobiles will receive three points on their licence and a �60

fine, but if the case goes to court that fine could rise to �1,000 and

you can disqualified from driving even. He's still on the phone going

around the second round about. not long before we stop drivers

breaking the law. He travelled around four round abouts whilst on

the phone. Were you aware what you were doing is breaking the law?

Yeah. It's work purposes. Is it something you have done quite

regularly? I've got the hands-free and I was just looking at the kit

for it. You better hurry up and buy it now. Tomorrow.Soon, we see

another offender. We'll pull in on the left there. Did you realise what

you were do doing is against the law. I pressed it and picked it up.

Some people won't accept they've been caught red-handed. The van

driver denies using the mobile and says there's not even a battery or

SIM card in there. You were fully engaged. He has dismantled the back

and the SIM card has disappeared. It is quite a mystery. The driver

admits he was talking on the phone. He panicked because he was worried

about losing his licence. What is the law recording what you can and

can't do behind the wheel? You can't make or receive a call without a

hands-free kit and if police think you aren't in control because you

are talking you can still be fined. It's illegal to read or send a text,

even if you are stopped at a traffic light. The current �60 fine could go

up to 90 in the future as the Transport Secretary says, because he

wants to crack down on dangerous drivers. Back on the road, the

officers are following a particularly careless driver.

just cut straight out in front of us. No indication. I don't think he

even checked the mirror. He has just pulled in with no warning. You have

driven straight passed us, on your mobile. Use of a mobile phone may be

the least of his problems. There is a suspicion there may be drugs in

the car. They soon find cannabis and he's arrested for possession with

intent to supply. Am I surprised by how many people we have stopped

today? No, not really, because it's second nature. We have to respond to

the phone. Just because so many do it, it doesn't mean it's the right

thing. It is of course illegal and it's so, so dangerous. The next time

you get in your car, put your phone out of reach or switch it off. Just

remarkable statistics. Amazing how many people were seen in that short

amount of time. He mentioned it that he didn't put it in the film, 20

years ago when he was a police officer, he pulled a guy over for

dangerous driving and it was not illegal, but he had his whole lap

covered in breakfast serial. He was not only on the phone, but having

his breakfast. He was proper multitasking. Was there milk on it?

He didn't go into that much detail. I once got, as a student, I went

down to Greece on a coach that started at Victoria Station and went

through the top of Italy and elsewhere and there were two strange

things that happened on that. coach? Yeah. There was a very, very

long journey. When we got to the border of jug jug the driver --

Yugoslavia the driver appeared to bribe the border guards with

cabbage. I never understand that. They were handing them over. This

guard is going umm. Everybody was happy about this. Then, on a

motorway in Yugoslavia two things - one, they missed the turning, so

they reversed back up the motorway. You can't do that. Then, when they

swapped the drivers over and there was no limit on how long they were

allowed to driver for, but when it happened, one just stood up with his

foot still on the pedal like that. While the other driver slipped in

around the back and carried on. All done at about 80mph. Fantastic.

Obviously, as a student I felt I was completely indistructable and I

thought, this is great. Awful, awful. Terrible. We'll have to get

Martin to investigate the cabbage story. We are. We thought we could

top that, but maybe we can't. Look at this picture that somebody sent

in to the Daily Record. This is a man driving while looking at the

tablet, but on that tablet he's playing card games, so he's driving

a car and playing the card games. Pointless. One or the other. We

don't know if it's real. In your book, Britty Britty Bang Bang, you

say the clue basically is in the subheading, One Man's Attempt to

Understand His Country. You have been here 47 years. What don't you

understand about it? Well, there's a lot I don't understand. The

inspiration for it really was the Olympic opening ceremony. When the

whole of Britain came together. A great moment and you suddenly felt

this surge of pride at being British, which displaced and

replaced all that stuff about not knowing how to feel about it. Should

we be proud or whatever? It was all replaced. We went through the rain

and there was the NHS beds and the man w with the flying pad. And I

thought, what is that? We've done it all, but what is that? What is

happening? I thought I would just try and explain it all to myself.

Why we were celebrating all that stuff. And what else there was no

celebrate and whether the rest of the world see us the way we see

ourselves. You cover a lot. There are loads of topics from gardening,

alcohol, animals. Yeah and etiquette. We think of ourselves as

being a tremendously polite country. Aren't we? Well, I think we are

fairly, but we are not top of the politeness league that is apparently

Canada. I think we are just letting them go first, because it would be

rude not to. Are you quite content now having researched all of this?

There is a lot of factual information in there. It is funny,

but are you sitting there now understanding it? What it has done

is made me incredibly afeGS nate for Britain. -- affectionate for

Britain. Part of my job as a comedian is to point out the faults

of things. That is what comedy is, often. Things have to go wrong for

things to be funny. Actually, it is, I've decided, a fantastic place to

live. We are actually - I do a thing about whether we are democratic and

should we be proud of the fact we think we introduced democracy to the

rest of the world. We sort of have, but the most democratic countries

are Scandinavia. We are Second Division democracy. I love your

animal stories. The cat, and Alex can absolutely understand where you

are coming from. Are you a cat lover? I am. She died. She was 24.

But we used to take her out on a lead and you did too? I bet yours

was just a lead? It was an actual lead that we got for the cats.

you can have them, but we used a 30-foot washing line. That is the

difference. It's brilliant. I think this is right. The parents weren't

very British and they don't really mind being mieed excentric. We used

to take the cat for walks because they thought it would be unfair for

the cat to be too tethered. I feel bad. Our cat came across Dartmoor

and it went up Wormside and it's done all of those things.

well-travelled cat? Yes. I found it so embarrassing to walk behind at

the end as a teenager, that I had to walk about 30 yards behind my

parents, so no-one would think I knew them. That meant I had all the

comments walking passed them, so I would hear, "Did you see that nutter

with the cat?" . ". I absolutely admire the fact they did it. Hugh's

book, Britty Britty Bang Bang is out on Thursday. Hugh, it takes a very

brave man to bring out a book just a week after Dan Brown has brought out

his new one. Are you a fan? I read the Da Vinci Code. I think it's a

really good story. I thought you were being sarcastic. The new book

is all about Dante's version of hell. The question is, what would be

Stuck at a self serving checkout in a supermarket. Where the bags don't

work and the items don't weigh what work and the items don't weigh what

they are supposed to. That same, same over and over again.

I know I'm not going to get help. And way z I want to get my shopping

home. I just happen to be an undertaker.

What's your vision of hell? I hate numbers. I hate numbers. You want to

ring your local store and just ask them if they have whatever and you

are given a choice of 30 numbers that you can pick! All the time you

are thinking, " This is costing me money." Please hold for the main

menu. What's your vision of hell on earth

Going back to work and finding that Justin Bieber has taken over!

People look at you and think what are you doing? People who don't open

doors for people with pushchairs. I can't go in an aquarium. What's

your vision of hell? Other people pushing past going aimlessly or

wandering. Aimliless gawking. vision of hell is in the morning

time when no one says, " Morning" to each other on the streets. Come on

and say "morning." It can make someone's day much better.

# I'm on the highway to hell # Good morning, indeed. That's great.

We have a wildlife man, a history man and a science man, but this is

the first time we have needed a hell man! So editor of Christian Magazine

reform, Stephen Tomkins has got the job. When people hear the word hell,

we think of fire. Men with little horns, devils and pitchforks, but

the bye-byele doesn't help us form any of that -- bible doesn't help us

form any of that? The bible doesn't seem to be interested in hell. There

are 15 mentions with hell compared to six or seven hundred verses about

heaven. It doesn't tell us much what it means about the word. It was the

the Middle Ages? They had this idea of hell where you got the

punishments for different since and you have people being turned into

trees or swimming in sewage or having their heads eaten and you

have the mythical monsters so it is way beyond anything in the Bible.

Being turned into a tree sounds nice.

You have to commit suicide. quite so nice.

Your dad was a bishop? My dad is a bishop. He is a retired bishop.

Did you have discussions around the table of your concept of hell?

don't remember it being mentioned at all. No. Not really. I do have, the

- I don't really have a vision, but I have this recurring dream when I

am on a night bus and I'm only wearing my pants.

So grease surrounded by cabbages. Shall we turn up the heat a bit?

That's nice. So who are the key people, Stephen, who have helped

shape our idea of what hell would look like? Well, Dante wrote the

divine comedy and that goes on a tour of heaven and hell and purge

purgetry and a few centuries later we have John milton writing about

par adise lost. Talk us through this. There are two

sides to no piece of work. You have got these people in the reasoned

picture of hell -- right-hand picture of hell being punished for

their different kinds of sin. In the bottom right-hand corner, you have

someone dressed as a pig because they were presumably guilty of lust

and other people skating across thin ice and falling down.

The ears with the knife going through the middle. It is an

entertaining place. Well, there is a lot going on. On to

Milton's view? This is like our modern cartoon image of hell which

we get from Milton. It is fire and darkness. You have mountains and

rocks and rivers, but it is made of fire.

And this is painted by John Martin? It is an impression of what Milton's

hell looked like. As a fellow of the Royal

Geographical Society, Hugh, we were wondering if you knew what the

capital of hell is or what the capital is called? Is it Hell City?

Hellston? It is called Pandemonium. It means the demons.

And we have got a picture right here. This is by Martin? That's

right. In Paradise Lost sateen falls from heaven because he rebelled

against God and they fall for nine days down to Hell and they think, "

We are going to be here for eternity, let's brighten the place

up and build a great, big Parliament." And Dante did say it

was possible for hell to freeze over? Yes. There's the proof.

Here is the bottom pit of hell, you have got sateen eat eating Judas and

he is up to his waist in ice. Yeah, it is always a cold day in hell for

sateen. Thank you very much.

Thank you very much indeed. Mini, Land Rover and Jaguars maybe

in foreign hands, but one form of transport remains British.

John Sergeant reports. The British manufacturing industry

has been heading in one direction recently. Moved production to China.

Britain once led the world in bicycle manufacture. One company is

bucking the trend. Brompton Bicycles are not folding, but its bikes do.

Andrew Ritchie revolutioned bike design. Today the firm makes 35,000

bikes a year and for some models, there is a waiting list. But getting

started was difficult. I started with some prototypes. This is an

early one. I took it is around to a lot of people trying to promote the

business and get it off the ground and that led to nothing. P Vp

dpe sign was -- the design was rejected by a major British bike

manufacturer. I had a good idea and some years later we got into proper

production which was about 25 years ago and that's near enough the same

as the bikes we're making now. The company makes all the bikes in

Britain and won't look East. How important is it it that the

bikes are made here? Once you have the knowledge of how we make the

things, it is an effort to ship it somewhere else. We are not really

big enough. You need a lot of men in white coats to supervise what's

going on on the other side of the world. Here, we can respond quickly

to people's demands. We make bikes to order. We had to deal with that

in the far east, it would be a non-starter for us.

Another danger posed by moving abroad, is the theft of special

skills and techniques. The company faced this problem after permitting

some manufacturing overseas. drawings were out there and they

slipped into the hands of some cowboy and the things started

popping up over Europe. Luckily we were able to stop that.

You took action in the courts and you won? We can fight our corner.

Nobody is going to pinch our brand name.

Folding bikes caught on because of their design. They can go from being

a road worthy machine to a neat, portable package in seconds. It

makes them ideal for commuters travelling by train. A lot of

engineering goes into the bikes. It takes six hours to make a bike from

over 1,000 different parts. And most of those parts are made here in this

plant. The engineering skills are traditional ones, overseen by the

production manager, Richard Spencer. We are taking a in a raw material

which is a steel tube and we are turning that into the frame of the

bike. So you are not just assembling,

every bit has to be made? Absolutely. We have a guy raising

bits of steel tube together and on the way home, he will see somebody

riding past on a bike he may have built and assembled. That's the job

satisfaction for a lot of people at the company.

Part of the success of the bike is the way it stands out. A bit

eccentric, very British and so too is the Brompton wormed championship,

a folding bike -- world chaip, a folding bike races. Cycling is

increasing in the UK and around the world all the time, not only as a

sport, but as a means of transport as a means of commuting. As long as

that increases, bikes like Brompton are well adapted to that purpose.

But what about speed? Compare this wa that, there is no comparison?

They go quite fast. Let's have a race!

Despite the handicap of building his bike, Michael is off to a flying

start. The world champion seems to be

catching me! He has more training to do for the

rickshaw challenge! Talking of British inventions. You

did a lot of research for the book, but you owe your existence to see

something? Yes. It is very significant in my family because on

my first date my mum and dad went for a picnic and my mother didn't

know you had to dilute lime cordial. She gave my dad a glass of undiluted

lime cordial? And he drank it? Because he didn't want to ruin the

moment. Ah, that's romantic.

We thought we would ask you to re-create the moment. We will have a

lovely glass of lime cordial here. You will start to appreciate the

pain you get in your jaws. How much of it are you dppting to --

expecting me to drink? I am not having to impress anyone?

There we are. That's not bad. It's not bad. But

wait for the tingling to start spreading.

I used to think it was a great achievement of my father. I think he

did nothing now! We love to laugh at loosers and nobody plays a better

loser than Ronnie Barker and you are looking into... I saw himLet's look

at the master at work and you can tell us about it afterwards.

Have you booked? No. No.

LAUGHTER Well, I suppose I can fit you into

Could we have a look at the menu, As part of My Hero, your documentary

is out soon? Yes. What do you know about Ronnie Barker

that you didn't know before? series is for other people and I

always loved Ronnie Barker and I loved the fact that he was able to

play with words and he used to do the monologues and Ws were replaced

with a B. But what I found out about him was what, well what I really --

what a really nice guy he was. He came from an non-acting background

and desperate to do it, but couldn't initially and went off to try other

jobs and then went through Rep. Went into Frost Report and came a really

hot property from doing that and then into the Two Ronnies, but it

was a thing he loved doing, but he was modest about it.

I am looking forward to seeing it. A legend in the world of British

comedy and we asked you if you could out-British Hugh here. This is

Nicola and she is dressed as the Queen there. P. P. Dave Jones is

having a very British afternoon with his cake and everything.