24/01/2014 The One Show

Hello and welcome to The One Show with Chris Evans. And Alex Jones.

Tonight's guest is such a popular man that he has his own cult

following who take pictures of him and fold them up so he looks like

this! And this! And this! But we much prefer him looking like this.

It's Ross Kemp! I've done a few of my own. Here is Chris. Quite

flattering. Still handsome, I think. I look like a Muppet. What about

that picture though? Ross, earlier this month there was a surprise

return by Jane Beale came back briefly. Would you go back to East

Enders? If they have died, that's never stopped them coming back.

Never say never. I had ten years there and it was fantastic fun. I

still watch it occasionally when I am in the country. Of course, never

say never. Have you been asked back? Not yet. Later we will be asking

Ross about his new series, Extreme World. And we will be auditioning

two dogs for a role onstage in an opera. And it Burns Night tomorrow,

so we'll also be reviving the ancient tradition of haggis hurling.

Jeremy Paxman can tell us the story are based special seaside town whose

inhabitants found themselves under fire. On the north-east coast of

England, 16th of December, 1914, was a still, misty morning. The first

signs of anything unusual were the flashes coming from unidentified

ships several miles out to sea. One family realised what was happening

when a German shell fragment struck their house and smashed into the

front of the family alarm clock, stopping it forever. That was at

8:03am. It was the start of a voracious bombardment. -- Thoreau

shares. The people of Hartlepool felt the full horror of modern war

-- -- ferocious. Homes were death traps, but so were the streets. The

German shells burst on impact, sending shards of hot metal in all

directions at hundreds of mph. It was the first major attack on

Britain since 1066. Many thought the Germans were invading. Terrified

children had simply no idea what was happening. What did you think the

sound was question -- was? We did not know. My older sister ran

upstairs, and she said I think somebody's beating the carpets.

That's what she said. So she goes up, and looks out, and she runs

back, ma'am, the Germans are here. They are on the beach. Everybody is

running away. I went upstairs and looked out the bedroom window and I

could see the crashes out at sea. How were people reacting? Crying,

the women with their prams, there was hardly anybody left in

Hartlepool. People were scurrying along? Somebody came and said, oh my

daddy's had blue. That frightened me. -- had blown off. Do you

remember what you felt? You were seven years old. I was horrified. I

thought they were coming to take us and killers. I was sitting,

shivering. I was like that. Terrified. Thinking the German might

walk through the door? I thought they would come in any minute to

take us away. The children of Hartlepool were amongst the many

victims of Kaiser Wilhelm's navy that day. Three members of the Dixon

victims of Kaiser Wilhelm's navy family were killed by a shell

victims of Kaiser Wilhelm's navy they ran for it, holding hands.

George, his sister Margaret, and their brother Albert, aged seven.

Their mother's leg was blown off. Suddenly the dead of World War I had

different faces, the faces of British children. Four days after

the attack, newspaper sales soared as the public read of the horrors.

Over 500 wounded, 152 killed, and the eldest victim 86, the youngest,

only six months. For most British people, what happened here in the

Northeast that day was a war crime, and atrocity. A line had definitely

been crossed. From now on, civilians in Britain knew that they too could

be in mortal danger. Thank you, Jeremy, and lovely violet, who sadly

passed away in November, aged 106. And the first episode of Jeromy's

series is dedicated to you. Ross's new programme is called Extreme

World. If you think, how extreme can it be? Here is a clip that might

change your mind. Give it to me. You are holding us up? Where is your

round in it? Show me your gun. Sit down! Sit down! Give money. You are

going to kill me? Really? Are you going to kill me? Sit down. Are you

going to kill me? We watched that together earlier, and I've never

heard so many gasps in one room at the same time. Talk is through

heard so many gasps in one room at security. What led to that? We were

in Papua New Guinea, looking at what was going on in terms of the

violence against women, and it is collision course. Culturally, it is

so rich must only different languages and tribes, but it is

sandwiched between Indonesia, Australia and has wealth in

minerals. There's a lot of corruption there. We were looking at

the effect that has on everybody. The violence against women is off

the scale, I think. Those guys are rascals. They are robbers. They are

tribal, and they prey on everybody from tourists, or on everyday

people. What we hear about making a show like this, one is on similar

shows, is the more security you take, the less of a story you get,

and that is the fine balance. What was it like for you? We've been

making these documentaries the nine years, 58 documentaries, and we've

never had any security. Particularly with the gang programme. They can

sniff somebody that seems a bit regimented, they suspect people are

police officers. If you see that clip, that guy with the boom

microphone is the director and the sound man, and the guy shooting it

is the sound man, and the guy shooting it

presenter. That's just three guys. You travel to six different places

in the series, and you've seen an incredible amount of violence in

every place. What is the thread that connects the violence in these

places? It's not just violence. Extreme is a wide umbrella. It's not

just extreme places, it could be an extreme view, and extreme habitat,

anything extreme. It is such a wide term. You can use it insanely

different ways. We look at a crack epidemic in Rio de Janeiro. And

Ireland, some of the marching season behaviour is quite extreme. We want

to look at that, and some of the views that might be considered

extreme. We always make sure in the programmes we do on Extreme World

there is one that is based in the UK. The one thing I would say that

ties a lot of the programme together when we travel further afield is,

unfortunately, poverty around the world and the separations between

the haves and have-nots. Poverty, world and the separations between

desperation, a lack of faith in the government. Wherever you find

developing countries, a lot of countries that were occupied at some

point, and imperialist governments, they often form new governments and

eight generally have large corporations going in and they sweep

the wealth of the country away -- they generally have. And alcohol as

well. Bill Gates says he expects they generally have. And alcohol as

there to be less poor country by 2035. Having travelled around, would

you agree with that? There may well be less but there will still be a

lot out there. He knows far more about it than I do, but I would

lot out there. He knows far more suggest that poverty around the

world will still play a major part in the suffering of

world will still play a major part I don't know. I don't have the

answers. We go there and try I don't know. I don't have the

people in the UK about what is going on in the world. It is your 50th

this year. You going to make it get killed somewhere? I hope so. Now a

film about a dog that's pretending to be a cat. Yes, they say dogs will

try to please us, while cats only want to please themselves. So when

they had a feline role to fill on want to please themselves. So when

stage in Glasgow, cats were told not to bother

Italy in the late 16th century was the birthplace of opera, and here in

Glasgow, Scottish Opera are creating a corner of Rome in their

performance. The comedy opera was first performed in 1843 and is the

story of a foolish bachelor who will not let his nephew, Ernesto, marry

story of a foolish bachelor who will his love, but the couple tricked the

old man to teach a lesson. The directors will bring their own

vision to a classic, so how do you interpret this differently? Our

story does not have a barren, he is the owner of a rundown and see only

-- pension. He loves cats. But with a twist. He's allergic to cats. When

Marina Chez -- Marina organises a sham marriage, he relents, and he is

rewarded with a perfect gift. She raves with a fabulous present for

Pasquale -- arrives. He thinks it is a cat, and he knows he's allergic,

he cannot take it, but it is not a cat, and he knows he's allergic,

cat, it is a dog and a cat costume. Responsibility for pulling off the

disguise lies with an eight inch tall pet Chihuahua, stage name,

Brigid. The length of leg is three and a half. How difficult is it to

make a cat costume for a dog? You cannot control a dog's tale, it

wants to pop out all the time. The first costume had legs in it, and

the bulk of the fur was really difficult, and she was just not

comfortable. So we got rid of the legs and made more of a kind of

saddle costume. We were very fortunate to find a

saddle costume. We were very was so still and quiet and

saddle costume. We were very She was a good sport, I think.

Ladies and gentlemen of the orchestra, your second and final

call. Every member of the cast has a dresser, tonight I am Bridget's.

Doshi enjoyed getting dressed? -- Doshi? Darling, it is time to get

dressed. Does the tail wriggle free at all?

It is the dress rehearsal, and tonight's soprano is handling

Bridget. Is she nervous? I am, but the chances of the dog wriggling and

making me nervous is quite likely. You obviously sing loud as there is

no amplification. A huge climax to the peace, and an epic moment the

people on stage. Call for Bridget the dog to the stage.

He is telling the old man she should not have got married, and the

He is telling the old man she should youngsters are getting married, and

Bridget will soon be on the stage. Come on, we can see the shadow.

The performances have been convincing but has Bridget pulled

off her cat impersonation? I thought it was a cat, I am surprised to hear

it was a dog. I was trying to work out if it was real or a prop. A

lovely ending to a lovely evening. It was a dog in a cat costume.

Amazing. Before we get on with our own auditions, here are couple

Amazing. Before we get on with our people who will be able to tell us

about great dog performances. We are joined by Sarah Fisher, an

animal behaviour counsellor, and Toby Rose, founder of the Palm Dog

Awards which celebrate the best performance by a dog at the Cannes

Awards which celebrate the best Film Festival.

APPLAUSE To be, how does a dog win a Palm

Dog? It is like saying how does Jack

Nicholson win an Oscar, it is that simple. When you see a dog, on the

screen and there is a palpable sense of gospel, you know you're

screen and there is a palpable sense presence of great canine performance

and that is how we do it -- have you ever seen a bad job

performance? It can be underwhelming. If you have

someone who comes on the screen, rolls over and leaps up... This is

the dog in The Artist? Yes. When we met recently, it was emotional. He

is an example of star quality. He is very good, we also have a clip of

last year's winner. So happy you could come. He is so mean to my

babies, this is my family. This is baby boy. He is very old. He is deaf

and he is blind. That was Behind The Candelabra with Matt Damon and

Michael Douglas. The one who stole the show was baby boy. The emotion

came out across the screen and I would call it dogrisma. It is an

indefinable quality that asked judges picked up on. If you go to

the cinema and see a performance that you liked, you would have

witnessed dogrisma. Thank goodness for you this evening! There is a new

movie out today, Inside Llewyn Davis, which stars a cat. How

difficult are they to work with? Cats are really intelligent. If you

find something that is rewarding for the cat, a tasty treat, and, that is

what I want you to repeat, you can train a cat. Cats also tend to want

to do things a few times before they go off on their own adventures. A

to do things a few times before they bit easier to train a dog and

to do things a few times before they like to be part of the social scene.

Hence the casting of the cat as the dog in the film. We are going to

audition two dogs for the opera, La Boheme. What is required? The dog is

part of a really busy scene so we are looking for a dog that is

confident in a busy environment, enjoys being around lots of people

and one that takes your eye to the dog, so you gasp. Bring in reverse,

with his owner, Tricia. I think he has got the job! Tell us a bit about

him. He is a 14-month-old crossbreed, he is a friendly dog and

brings a smile to people 's faces. We are going to keep it simple. We

want to make sure he is happy in this environment. If you could

want to make sure he is happy in him to sit, follow you. Sit. Sit. Is

he going to do a little down? We want to see a dog that is not

distracted by a new environment. Canny finish with a dance? The thing

about Rufus, he is sort of haggis sized. Don't be mean! It goes in

with the theme of the week! What did you think? We are not hurling him at

the end of the show! Here come the lily and Deborah. First impressions?

Very engaging, beautiful dog, lovely coat. She is two years old. She is a

crossbreed and she is absolutely lovely.

An honour, is she semi pro? -- Hang on, is she semi pro? She has done

this before. You have a hard decision, you have about ten

seconds. Less than that, really. There is one main role and an

understudy. This is good, there is no loser. One of the dogs gets the

job and the other becomes the understudy. Please reveal who will

have the starring role. After long, lengthy consideration, taking into

consideration the dogrisma of the two young lovelies, it is after

deliberation we have to say Rufus. You wouldn't have thought that. I

think we have got a Susan Boyle situation on our hands. You

understudy, I am afraid, will be Chris Evans. Thank you for being

here. They will be on stage in Dartford on the 23rd of April. On

his radio show earlier this week, Chris launched radio to's breakfast

show Short story competition which gives children under 13 the chance

to write an original story using no more than 500 words. If you were

keen on entering but stuck for inspiration, take a look at this. I

have this little sister, Lola. She is small and very funny. Charlie and

Lola, a modern classic, loved by children and adored by mums and

dads. If stories like that inspire you to write and you are 13 or

under, sorry, mums and dads, why not enter the 500 words competition? All

you have to do is write a story 500 words or under. 500 words is such a

good exercise. You have to think about the key thing that you are

trying to get across. And about the key thing that you are

trying to say with your story. What sort of characters have you been

thinking about? Zombies. I am thinking of a nerd. It is always

good to give your hero a problem. He had teeth in someone's body and now

they broke. A toothless vampire! How digicam up with Charlie and

Lola? It -- how did you come up with? It came to me anecdotally from

my experiences of being a sibling. My sister was caring. I had a

situation with fussy eating and she helped me out with that. She has

big, black, round glasses. He likes playing with friends. She always

likes to wear colourful clothes with pets. Sometimes with breakfast he

eats fish and chips. If you are looking form or advice, who better

to ask than the under nine category winner from last year was to

to ask than the under nine category how did you come up with a story? I

to ask than the under nine category looked at the winning stories from

2012. I saw that most of the winning looked at the winning stories from

stories were sad story so I thought I would write a sad story. My granny

had told me stories of her I would write a sad story. My granny

when the peer was new and beautiful and she had danced

when the peer was new and beautiful ballroom. All that is left now is a

when the peer was new and beautiful steel skeleton, all its history,

lost. What advice would you give to anyone wanting to enter?

lost. What advice would you give to write about something that you know

well. Because it helps focus, write about something that you know

because you know a lot about it. What do you think is important to

make a very good story? What do you think is important to

problem and you have to solve it. It is either food or a good beginning.

A happy ending. I always like a happy ending. Thanks so much,

Angellica. If you would like to enter that competition, thanks to St

Margaret's Clitherow primary School, all of the kids and teachers and

librarians. Go to BBC .co .uk /500 words.

Why is my friend over here? I will tell you after we find out why my

friend is over there? Tomorrow night is Burns night so why not try some

barbecued haggis kid is Burns night so why not try some

Traditionally made from the lining of a sheep stomach

Traditionally made from the lining offal, it is not to everybody's

taste. You like it? I am not a great lover of offal, think it is awful,

but I like haggis, neeps and tatties. The whole proud Scottish

nation will probably be rising up as one. There has been a lot of element

nation will probably be rising up as in haggis. It is kind of the food

nation will probably be rising up as poverty because it is made from the

cheap bits of animals but now it is poverty because it is made from the

a noble tradition. One enterprising poverty because it is made from the

company has come up with barbecued poverty because it is made from the

haggis. They are moving haggis on. We have luxury haggis, a bit like a

luxury slum, frankly. Three bird haggis made with pheasant, grouse

and smoked duck. You ignored the haggis and you ignored

and smoked duck. You ignored the and UN for the potato... -- you went

for the potato. That is quite Christmassy. Ross can try that but

we need to go to Chris and Robin. Jealous of those guys. Why am I

holding this? We are about to haggis hurl. It goes back to when haggis

luncheon was thrown at the menfolk across the river. The men would try

to catch it in their kilt but they wear a leather pad and that is the

origin of the Scottish sporran, not many people know that. We are going

origin of the Scottish sporran, not to have a similar game, you

origin of the Scottish sporran, not catching for Ross, I will then hurl

three towards Alex. Which is the most aerodynamic? Go over there. You

are hurling towards Robin. He has got to try to catch it in his kilt.

Under Ron OK? -- under arm? Band, do you mind playing? As Robin ever done

this before? One, two, three. He would be no good in Extreme World,

would he? Make it a good one... Yes! We have done it! One-hit wonder.

Thank you very much. That is all for this evening. Thank you for being

here. Ross's show is on 9pm on sky. Extreme World. Thank you for being

here. Have a great weekend. We will be back on Monday. Who have we got?

We are keeping it a secret! Have a great weekend, happy Burns night.

One more time, take it away...