The Review Show with Billy Connolly The Review Show


The Review Show with Billy Connolly

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This programme contains some strong language.

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Tonight, a Review Show special. Glasgow's most famous son.

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Hang on, I'll be down in a minute.

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His trademark hair and beard, along with some bold wardrobe choices,

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make Billy Connolly one of the most distinctive figures in comedy.

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# Road to Arran... #

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Widely acknowledged by his peers

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as the godfather of alternative comedy...

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I swear, you know...

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I swear? Oh, that's news, Billy(!)

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..his natural and assured delivery have been making audiences laugh

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for almost 40 years.

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He's always shopping people.

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Who broke the window? HIM!

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A THUG! He'll come to nothing!

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As he approached his 70th birthday,

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I met the Big Yin to talk about his latest foray into acting

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in Dustin Hoffman's directorial debut, Quartet...

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Why is it, Wilfred, I always get the impression you're up to no good?

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Because I'm normally up to no good.

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..his troubled relationship with his father...

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It's a very odd affair, you know, sexual abuse.

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Mine is very, very typical. You don't tell anybody about it.

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..his hedonistic youth...

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Asking for the wine list at breakfast has a certain cache, I think.

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..and flirting with Dame Judi Dench.

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And I thought, "God, she fancies me.

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"Judi Dench fancies coming on to me."

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Primarily the reason we're here is to talk about first of all, Quartet,

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so tell me, how did Dustin Hoffman sell it to you?

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It was the weirdest thing because he had been my pal for a while.

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We used to do these dinners for multiple sclerosis.

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Very starry affairs.

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I would do a bit of comedy

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and there would be all sorts of rock stars doing odds and ends.

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And Dustin was always in the audience. He always liked my stuff.

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He always pulled me over to tell me how good it was

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and then he started showing up at my concerts.

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My agent, Kier, called me up and said, "Dustin wants to speak to you."

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Then he started to speak about an old folks home with opera singers in it,

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and I thought, "What?"

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And then he read me the cast list.

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We have a serious problem.

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We can't make the gala into the hottest ticket in town.

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This house could collapse. We could lose it.

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We have four of the finest singers in English operatic history.

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I don't think I want to sing with Jean again.

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They were married once but it didn't work out.

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-We were different people then.

-I have a brilliant idea.

-What is it?

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I can't remember. What is it?

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I thought, "Oh, my God." I was scared to do it.

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But I fell back on my Judi Dench experience which was delightful.

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It's the most delightful thing

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when you're confronted with a Judi Dench or a Maggie Smith.

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It brings out the best in you.

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-Did you show off?

-No, I didn't, but you do rise to the fly.

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You can't stand waving your arms around like you're in a soap.

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You can't go, "Why?" and stuff like that

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so you have to sort of be.

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I remember during Mrs Brown

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there was a section of it...

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We were doing the eighths of reel and she was facing me, Judi Dench.

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I was opposite her getting ready to jig and I thought,

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"God, she fancies me!

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"Judi Dench fancies coming on to me.

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"What am I going to do? My God, what am I going to do?"

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And then it dawned on me, you know, it's that real stuff,

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real acting,

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so I started fancying her back.

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Which is not the most difficult thing on earth.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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-You never had any actor training?

-None whatsoever.

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-I'd never seen a play.

-But now, you've never since had any training?

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No, it's too late now.

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The only thing I envy is, like, you know, you'll hear...

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Method acting.

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You hear them saying, "I was preparing for the character."

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I don't know what they're doing.

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I don't know if they're doing press-ups or running about naked

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shouting poetry at the tops of their voices.

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I don't know what they're doing.

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So I just learn my words and avoid the furniture.

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Why is it, Wilfred, I always get the impression you're up to no good?

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Because I'm normally up to no good and, please, call me Wilf.

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You've done this, remember. You don't have a button hole, Wilf.

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Why do you persist in flirting with me, Wilf?

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Because you're a cracker, a thing of beauty.

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You're not a bimbo or a chick or any of those awful things.

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You're one of that rarest of species.

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You're a woman, Lucy Colgan.

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Early on, you took your first steps into acting

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and they were in quintessentially hard Glasgow plays.

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-Yeah.

-Elephants' Graveyard and Just Another Saturday.

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Yeah, Just Another Saturday was first.

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He comes right up to my bairn and introduces himself

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and he says to me, "Mr McNab, it's been a pleasure working with you."

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Empty! Empty! Empty!

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What is it, for Christ's sake?

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Empty! Mair drink, ya clown. Three halves and three pints.

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-Any more of that, son, and you're out on your arse.

-Aye, very good.

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It's a big heider, that, talking away there like a big lassie.

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I was very near planting him one.

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You inhabited that world, in a way, or you knew that world.

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Did it make it easier to take the step from comedy into drama?

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It was the funniest thing.

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Peter MacDougal who wrote it had become my friend about six weeks

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before the play was done on television and we were very close.

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We were like lovers. I would pick up the phone and he'd be on.

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You know that way when you're in love these things happen?

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We'd become very close friends.

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He was my new pal and we met and he said,

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"Listen, I don't know how to put this,

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"but I think I've written you in this.

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"Have you ever acted before?" And I said, "No."

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He said, "Cos I think I've written you in this thing,

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"Just Another Saturday.

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"Would you have a go at it?"

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And I said, "Aye, sure". We had a wee rehearsal and it seemed OK

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and off we went and it was as easy as that.

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Does that mean you've never really been daunted then?

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You went on to Elephants' Graveyard next so that gave you

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a really good grounding.

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Yeah, and I had been in a live one, Clydeside,

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about the Red Clyde with Matt McGinn.

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I was supposed to be just doing music.

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That's where I learned first of all.

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I was in the pub, the Scotia, and the director, Keith Darvell, came in

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and he heard me playing the banjo and he said,

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"I'm doing a play about the Clyde. Would you come and play your banjo?"

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I said, "Is it for the actors and all that?

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"I'd love to but I'm not very good at music, the theory and all that,

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"but my mate is, Tom Harvey."

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# The teacher tells your ma you've been swearing. #

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We weren't the Humblebums yet. That happened second.

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I said, "He knows how to establish the keys people sing in and that."

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He said, "Bring him as well." And we went along.

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It was great. And then we were sitting watching the play

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and I was enjoying it immensely.

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I'd never seen a play before.

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I was in the first play I ever saw.

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I'm sitting on the stage. We had a wee area, you know.

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They were all acting away, and then our cue came in.

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I was totally unaware of this, and the director said, "Well?"

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And I said, "Very good." I thought he was asking my opinion.

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He said, "Some music would be nice."

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And I said, "Sure, what would you like? That one would be good. OK."

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-He had to explain to me.

-The cues.

-When he says that, you start to play.

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Ooh, right, that's good.

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I came in the following day and I had bits of tape stuck on the pages.

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I said, "I have this idea. When the cue comes up I'll know I've got this

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"tape sticking out of the page there and I'll know where the cue is."

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He said, "Don't tell the others. They'll all be wanting to copy you."

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-Let's have a toast to our quartet.

-To the quartet.

-What quartet?

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Cedric wants us all to sing in the gala concert.

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Us to sing?

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-He wants us to sing the quartet from Rigoletto.

-Such an honour.

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Tell me, were you always going to be the lynchpin because

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you ended up really being this centrifugal force in the film?

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Well, the weirdest thing happened. Dustin's very free.

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He'll say, "Just say what you like."

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There's a lovely bit when I'm playing croquet,

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or there's people playing croquet, and I come walking past,

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and we have a smartarsed remark at one another.

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There's a big long walk I have to do after that and he said,

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"Say something in there."

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So the guy makes a funny remark about having seen me in an opera

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and his ears were bleeding.

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And I said, "Yeah, I saw your Carmen. I'll never forget it, but I'll try."

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And that was just ad-lib and it was one take in the can.

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So your part ended up being bigger than was originally planned?

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Yeah, but I'll tell you the best thing.

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There was a bit where Michael Gambon attacks Cissy.

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Sorry, I missed that last bit, Cedric.

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-CEEdric.

-Oh, CEEdric, of course, of course.

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Now that Jean is here and the four of you are together again,

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I put to you that you should perform at the gala,

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the Quartet from Rigoletto.

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That's amazing. I've just been listening to us, the Rigoletto.

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And he says, "Put up your hand when you're going to speak to me.

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"Raise your hand like this."

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And I cross the room and say, "Don't you put your hand up for anybody."

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-Put your hand up.

-Put your hand up?

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You must change her mind. She's a huge draw.

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Don't you put your hand up for anybody.

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It would be as if Maria Callas were making a comeback.

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That wasn't in the script.

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I just defended her and then I started to do it all the time.

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I became her defender and it made me two-dimensional

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because, before that, I was just a dirty old man

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and I was getting kind of fed up with it.

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My hair's changing colour. I've got the winter plumage on now.

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LAUGHTER

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But, at the back, it's gone a kind of Turkish hooker blond...

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LAUGHTER

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..which I must say suits me down to the ground.

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LAUGHTER

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My nose hair is accelerating for reasons best known to itself.

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LAUGHTER

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I used to cut it once every 30 years. Now it's like twice a month.

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I presume the body knows what it's doing. I'm very baffled.

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I wonder what's going to happen to me

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that's going to need long nasal hair to deal with it.

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LAUGHTER

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-You are going to be 70 soon. Did you ever think you'd get to 70?

-No.

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You seriously didn't think you would get there?

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I didn't think I would get to 50.

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The queerest thing is I was quite looking forward to it as well.

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-What, dying?

-Yeah.

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-Burning out.

-Really?

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Yeah. Boom!

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-That kind of James Dean thing?

-Like a firework.

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It's a romantic, stupid, self-indulgent notion

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but I always thought I would explode, you know.

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-But you were on the way there, weren't you?

-Yes.

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You went for it big style. You went for it with brandy, wine, cocaine.

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-Wine for breakfast.

-Yes.

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Asking for the wine list at breakfast has a certain cache, I think.

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Better than asking for Buckfast.

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-I never drank Buckfast.

-Thank the Lord for that.

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-I did drink Vordeaux.

-What's Vordeaux?

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-That was the pre-Buckfast Buckfast.

-Vordeaux?

-Yeah.

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I just want to show you something.

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This is from something you made a long time ago.

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This must be the only country on Earth

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where men brag about their hangovers.

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Oh, I remember doing this.

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'Only Scots brag about their hangovers.'

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And drinking in Scotland is an essentially male pastime.

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Men bring their wives and girlfriends into lounge bars such as this,

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'but in there it is essentially a male bastion.

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'Drinking is a Scottish hobby.'

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Probably because we invented the best drink of them all, whiskey.

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Oh, there's my da.

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The thing was, when that was going on,

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you embraced the excess then.

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Yes. It was great fun.

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I had the time of my life.

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I had funny wee rules for myself.

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I never performed drunk.

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-So you could hold off?

-Yeah, and I was horrified by people who did it.

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I remember in Edinburgh, a guy, I won't mention his name.

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He was in my dressing room. I was going on at the Playhouse.

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I had a lot of drink on the table for afterwards

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and he said, "Are you not having a large one before you go on?"

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And I said, "My God, no." I wouldn't drink the whole day before.

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So you didn't need Dutch courage to go on stage

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but you needed Dutch courage for the rest of you life?

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That's right.

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Also, in that...

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I never thought about it like that before. It's quite right, yeah.

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In that culture there, you preferred to drink with men

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or was there no option?

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Well, there was pretty much no option.

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I've got a fondness for women

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but in the drinking situation,

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the pubs weren't very womany.

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They changed very soon after that.

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Loads of Glasgow pubs women just wouldn't have got into.

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They did it with the toilets.

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They wouldn't put a ladies toilet in so women would come in for a while

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and then they'd have to pee and they'd leave.

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-And that would be it. Tennents in Byers Road.

-Yes.

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British Rail specialises in that one.

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Go into the toilet, lock the door. Oh, for Christ's...

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LAUGHTER

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A wee jobbie.

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LAUGHTER

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A wee, beige jobbie.

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You flush and flush with all your might.

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Your first step changing in your career came

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when Michael Parkinson took a risk.

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Let's just play this.

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This young man is one of the most original

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and best comedians I've heard in many a day.

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He has, in fact, recently appeared in a solo concert

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at the London Palladium, played to a packed house and triumphed.

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In Scotland, his two long playing records have been

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the biggest seller since The Beatles' Sergeant Pepper album.

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The man who made them has been called Scot of the Anarchic,

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awful pun, and the Scottish equivalent of Lenny Bruce.

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Ladies and gentlemen, a very special welcome, please, to Billy Connolly.

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Ooh!

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Sing, that's the chorus.

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Ooh!

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So, no-one knew you were going to do that, or did they know?

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They had no idea.

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Do you think Parkinson just about had a heart attack?

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He must have wondered what the hell was going on.

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I had wanted it for ages, Parkinson, in as much as I didn't want

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either him or Russell Harty but of the two, I wanted Parky.

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# I was heading with my cromack... #

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Oh, a cromack is a walking stick.

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You may have seen pictures of Harry Lauder.

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It's a knobbly walking stick.

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It's a Scottish portable phallic symbol, you know?

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Used mainly for English bus parties.

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Russell Harty was after me to be on his show,

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but I held and held and held and then the Parkinson thing.

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Parky was in Glasgow and a taxi driver stopped the car to go

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and buy a cassette of me and give to him.

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They played it in the taxi.

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We'll have to find that taxi driver.

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You owe him a lot of money.

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Not only that, on that show, I told the joke

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about the bicycle and the bum.

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I got that from a guy in Valencia, in Spain.

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I went to see Scotland play in Spain and we are all

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walking along the road to the game and a guy came up and told me it.

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I was lying against a wall laughing as he walked away.

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-I've never met him again.

-Tell the joke again.

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It was two guys in a bar and one said,

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"I've just murdered my wife."

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"I murdered her."

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I said, "I don't believe you." He said, "I'll show you."

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He takes him behind the tenement to a wee wash house.

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Sure enough, there's a big mound of earth.

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There's a bum sticking out of it.

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He says, "Is that her?" He says, "Aye."

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He says, "what did you leave her bum sticking out for?"

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He says, "I need somewhere to park my bike."

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-It's terribly wrong.

-Wrong, so wrong.

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I think that's the best thing about it. That it's so wrong.

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So, here we have it, you're on Parky and here you are,

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this big voice comes on the telly and people are just shocked.

0:17:460:17:50

They've never seen anything like you.

0:17:500:17:52

It was extraordinary, for me, as well, because I will never forget,

0:17:520:17:57

that was a Saturday evening,

0:17:570:17:59

and on the Sunday, I was coming back to Glasgow where I lived

0:17:590:18:03

and I was in Heathrow and a Chinese guy asked me for my autograph.

0:18:030:18:07

I thought, "Woah! This is different."

0:18:070:18:11

Then I got to Glasgow Airport and I was coming through

0:18:110:18:16

the body of the airport and the people all started to clap.

0:18:160:18:19

People coming up the escalators and all that.

0:18:190:18:23

It got a sensational audience, the Parkinson show.

0:18:230:18:26

It was only four or five stations then.

0:18:260:18:29

I thought, "God!" That's when it dawned on me

0:18:290:18:31

I might have done something quite big.

0:18:310:18:33

Then you went on to be someone that went on Parkinson every other week.

0:18:330:18:38

Yeah. That's what it felt like, but it was over many years.

0:18:380:18:40

I only did it once a year.

0:18:400:18:42

Ladies and gentlemen, a very special welcome, please, to Billy Connolly.

0:18:420:18:46

Billy Connolly.

0:18:460:18:48

Billy Connolly.

0:18:480:18:50

Billy Connolly.

0:18:500:18:52

Ladies and gentleman, Billy Connolly.

0:18:520:18:54

Billy Connolly.

0:18:540:18:56

Billy Connolly.

0:18:560:18:57

-Billy Connolly.

-I think I hold some kind of record.

0:18:570:19:01

I was on it more times...

0:19:010:19:02

I used to be equal with Peter Ustinov

0:19:020:19:05

and then he died and I overtook him.

0:19:050:19:07

Just as well you lived beyond 50 then.

0:19:070:19:11

-You keep rubbing it in about my bus ticket.

-Of course I do.

0:19:110:19:14

My parents used to take me

0:19:140:19:15

to Lewis's Department store in Argyle Street in Glasgow.

0:19:150:19:19

They were kind of skinflints.

0:19:190:19:21

They'd take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

0:19:210:19:24

A big ginger cat, they say it's a baby tiger.

0:19:260:19:28

"Where is the elephants?"

0:19:300:19:32

"They're away for their lunch, now hurry up. Come on."

0:19:320:19:34

But, the thing is, that you were going on stage, wowing the crowds

0:19:340:19:38

and you were talking about the importance of...

0:19:380:19:41

It was all about childhood and place and all of these things.

0:19:410:19:45

But, actually, you weren't telling the truth.

0:19:450:19:48

Did you know you weren't telling the truth?

0:19:480:19:50

Because you were hiding what only came out so much later.

0:19:500:19:53

Did you know you were hiding it?

0:19:530:19:55

I wasn't consciously hiding it, to hide it.

0:19:550:20:01

I just didn't want to talk about it.

0:20:010:20:03

It was mine. I kind of liked it, you know, being mine.

0:20:050:20:12

Having this really, really tortured childhood?

0:20:120:20:15

I thought it made me very colourful.

0:20:150:20:17

But only in your own head because you weren't telling it to anybody?

0:20:170:20:21

Yeah. It was up to me to make of it what I wanted to.

0:20:210:20:25

I always thought it made me kind of special.

0:20:250:20:27

It wasn't the time to talk about things like that, you know?

0:20:300:20:34

-Not like now.

-But then...

0:20:340:20:37

Your Aunt Mona, because you lived with your two aunts,

0:20:370:20:40

your Aunt Mona, it was just essentially mental cruelty.

0:20:400:20:43

Yes, she would humiliate me every day.

0:20:430:20:45

She would do things like rub your underpants in your face.

0:20:470:20:50

-Physical cruelty as well.

-That was one of her tricks.

-Tell me about...

0:20:500:20:54

She used to put notes in them. She had a biscuit barrel. Remember them?

0:20:540:20:59

You would go in for a biscuit and it would say, "thief".

0:21:000:21:03

You know, it was like living with Tony Perkins, for Christ's sake.

0:21:060:21:10

# My name is Norman Bates I'm just a normal guy. #

0:21:100:21:15

Very creepy.

0:21:150:21:16

She would do that and also, there's a story,

0:21:160:21:19

someone had written you a neurotic poem and she found it.

0:21:190:21:22

Aye, it was Mexico Pete and Eskimo Nell.

0:21:220:21:26

-Yes.

-She found it. It was a schoolboy thing.

0:21:260:21:29

It was a very dirty piece and she found it and she humiliated me

0:21:290:21:33

for years and years and years and threatened to take it to school.

0:21:330:21:37

Did she not threaten to tell your father?

0:21:370:21:40

Aye, she was always going to tell my dad

0:21:400:21:42

and he was going to beat me limbless.

0:21:420:21:45

It was every day, every single day.

0:21:450:21:49

I had a teacher, Rosie McDonald, who was a bit of a psychopath,

0:21:490:21:53

so I would leave my aunt and go to Rosie.

0:21:530:21:57

It's astonishing I'm not gay

0:21:580:22:00

because the women in my life were nightmares.

0:22:000:22:04

I remember my sister standing outside school teaching me long division.

0:22:040:22:08

I was scared to go in because I didn't know long division

0:22:080:22:11

and I knew Rosie would kill me.

0:22:110:22:13

My sister, who became a schoolteacher, explained it to me.

0:22:130:22:18

-She was your saviour.

-She was my guardian angel.

0:22:180:22:22

But, also, while that was going on, from the ages of 10 to 15,

0:22:220:22:29

-you're also being abused by your father.

-Yes.

0:22:290:22:31

It's interesting because you saw your dad there in that clip

0:22:310:22:35

in the documentary.

0:22:350:22:36

-Yeah.

-Of course, it was all over by then.

0:22:360:22:38

Yes. I loved him.

0:22:380:22:42

I kept loving him and I love him today.

0:22:420:22:45

And you know, forgiveness is a great thing.

0:22:450:22:49

The power of forgiveness is immense.

0:22:490:22:52

You can forgive dead people, as well.

0:22:520:22:55

You know, you can forgive people.

0:22:560:22:58

It is a very odd affair, sexual abuse.

0:22:580:23:01

Mine is very, very typical.

0:23:020:23:04

You don't tell anybody about it.

0:23:040:23:07

Everybody wonders why the people who are abused don't rush off

0:23:070:23:12

to the police or the authorities or an auntie or an uncle and tell them.

0:23:120:23:18

It just doesn't happen because you feel you've taken part in it.

0:23:180:23:21

Because sometimes it's not

0:23:210:23:23

the most unpleasant thing that ever happened to you.

0:23:230:23:26

-Even admitting that is difficult, isn't it?

-Yes.

0:23:260:23:29

There's a deep guilt and shame involved

0:23:300:23:33

and so you don't tell people.

0:23:330:23:36

-But it was over five years.

-Yes.

0:23:360:23:39

-What do your children ask you about it?

-Nothing.

-Interesting.

0:23:390:23:43

-Absolutely nothing.

-Your older two must have known your dad.

-Yes.

0:23:440:23:50

They loved him. They thought he was a great guy. He was, a good guy.

0:23:510:23:54

They would hit me in the rhythm of the argument.

0:23:540:23:57

Don't you ever let me see you doing that again.

0:23:570:24:00

Did you hear what I said?

0:24:020:24:03

Don't you ever, ever, ever.

0:24:030:24:05

Have you had enough?

0:24:090:24:11

What a stupid question?

0:24:130:24:15

Would you like some more of the same?

0:24:160:24:18

I think you're supposed to say...

0:24:200:24:21

"Would a kick in the testicles be out of the question?"

0:24:230:24:26

The thing was, this was your childhood

0:24:280:24:30

but it wasn't all of your childhood.

0:24:300:24:32

No. See, my pals had great parents.

0:24:320:24:36

That was my saving grace.

0:24:360:24:38

-You saw great parents?

-Yeah.

0:24:380:24:41

Ian Meikle and Jackie Maxwell, and those guys.

0:24:410:24:44

I loved going to their houses and their parents were great.

0:24:440:24:47

I thought, "It isn't all like this.

0:24:470:24:49

"They're weird. The world isn't weird."

0:24:490:24:52

They didn't have to share a bed with their dad for five years.

0:24:520:24:55

-No, they didn't.

-Did Pamela Stephenson save your life?

-Oh, yes.

0:24:550:25:02

No question. That was when it came to alcohol.

0:25:030:25:07

When you met her and you fell in love with her,

0:25:080:25:11

you were still drinking for Scotland.

0:25:110:25:13

I'm sorry I came here!

0:25:170:25:20

This is a confession!

0:25:200:25:23

-That's right.

-She sorted you out.

0:25:230:25:27

Yeah. It's funny, I kind of sorted myself out.

0:25:270:25:31

I remember it was a Sunday afternoon and she came home

0:25:310:25:33

and I was a bit pissed,

0:25:330:25:35

which was highly unusual for me.

0:25:350:25:37

I had been drinking on an aeroplane and for some reason,

0:25:370:25:42

I had vodka and lime on aeroplanes and nowhere else.

0:25:420:25:45

We were living behind Olympia in London

0:25:470:25:50

and I was lying on a big bunch of coats

0:25:500:25:54

and she came in and said,

0:25:540:25:56

"Oh, God! Not again."

0:25:560:25:58

The funny thing is, I will always remember

0:25:580:26:00

she had one of those baseball caps

0:26:000:26:02

and it had ears like a teddy bear

0:26:020:26:05

and one of them flopped down.

0:26:050:26:07

She looked so sad with this ear flopping down and she said,

0:26:070:26:10

"I really can't take this.

0:26:100:26:13

"This is serious stuff now.

0:26:130:26:16

"This is alcoholism."

0:26:160:26:18

I said, "Nonsense."

0:26:180:26:19

Or words to that effect.

0:26:190:26:21

I said, "I could stop like that."

0:26:210:26:23

I said, "Name a date."

0:26:230:26:25

She said, "A year from today."

0:26:250:26:28

I said, "Done." I didn't touch a drop in that year.

0:26:280:26:32

And then, on the day we went out to dinner

0:26:320:26:35

and we were in the Savoy or some place,

0:26:350:26:38

and a bottle of champagne arrives and it was from Pam.

0:26:380:26:41

She said, "Well done."

0:26:410:26:43

Now, in the meantime, in that year, she had been saying,

0:26:440:26:48

"You know, when you have a drink, you immediately change."

0:26:480:26:52

She called me bogeyman when I was drunk because my personality changed.

0:26:520:26:57

It was one of the most remarkable moments.

0:26:580:27:01

They poured me a glass of champagne and I went like that

0:27:010:27:05

and I took a sip, a siplet,

0:27:050:27:08

and Pamela said, "what time is it?"

0:27:080:27:11

I said, "What is it with you and the time?"

0:27:110:27:15

I thought, "Oh, my God! That is him."

0:27:150:27:17

-It is him.

-That's the bogeyman.

0:27:170:27:20

You know? What is it with you and the time?

0:27:200:27:22

I had been perfectly nice before that.

0:27:220:27:25

But one sip, "What is the time?" It is hardly a leading question.

0:27:250:27:30

I was wondering, is it ever a two-way process

0:27:300:27:33

because it seems Pamela has put so much into you

0:27:330:27:36

and with the book and everything.

0:27:360:27:38

Now she's got her own book out.

0:27:380:27:40

-Have you ever felt that you've helped her with anything?

-No.

0:27:400:27:44

Well, hello, and tonight,

0:27:520:27:54

I'm talking to Billy Connolly,

0:27:540:27:58

a well-known Scottish comedian.

0:27:580:28:00

Billy, I understand that when you first came to England,

0:28:020:28:06

people had a lot of trouble understanding your accent.

0:28:060:28:10

-Do you get scared when you go on?

-Oh, yes.

0:28:230:28:26

Why do you still get scared when you go on?

0:28:260:28:28

I don't know and it's getting worse.

0:28:280:28:31

Thank you, thank you.

0:28:310:28:33

It's going to be a good laugh. This is near the end of the tour.

0:28:330:28:37

We've only got two nights to go.

0:28:370:28:38

The last Scottish tour I did was unbearable.

0:28:380:28:41

On stage was great, it was a huge success

0:28:410:28:44

and I had some brilliant nights.

0:28:440:28:47

And I would think, "Well, that's it, gone, it'll be OK tomorrow."

0:28:470:28:50

The following day, I would go, "Oh, my God, here it comes again."

0:28:500:28:54

-I would get hugely anxious and I had to get medication.

-To calm you down?

0:28:540:28:59

-Yes, to calm me down.

-Tranquillisers?

-Yeah.

0:28:590:29:04

I had to get ready, just to get me on.

0:29:040:29:08

But once I was on, it was a joy.

0:29:080:29:11

That makes me think, is that why you were so angry with the hecklers,

0:29:110:29:15

because it was such an effort to get on stage?

0:29:150:29:17

I get angry at hecklers because they're cowards.

0:29:170:29:20

They sit in the dark and shout at people.

0:29:200:29:22

This is the hardest bit for me.

0:29:220:29:25

MAN SHOUTS You shut the fuck up, you.

0:29:250:29:27

I'll let you into a wee secret.

0:29:310:29:33

When your light goes out and mine comes on, it's my turn, right?

0:29:330:29:36

Mine goes out, yours comes on, it's you again.

0:29:360:29:39

Until then, shut the fuck up!

0:29:390:29:41

They shouldn't be in the concert hall.

0:29:410:29:43

It's OK maybe in a pub or something,

0:29:430:29:45

maybe it isn't even OK there,

0:29:450:29:47

but I don't want to make too big an issue of it,

0:29:470:29:50

because I've always done my time.

0:29:500:29:53

I'll always do my two hours and then after that,

0:29:530:29:56

if they shout, I'll say,

0:29:560:29:57

"OK, the night's yours", and I'll walk off.

0:29:570:29:59

I see absolutely nothing wrong with that.

0:29:590:30:02

But the thing... I try to build stuff from nothing.

0:30:020:30:07

Ad-lib upon ad-lib, and sometimes I don't know where it's going

0:30:070:30:10

but I know when it's going somewhere and I get all excited.

0:30:100:30:14

And blah, blah, blah, then, "Blah, blah!" and it all falls down.

0:30:140:30:17

And I don't hear what they say.

0:30:180:30:20

It sounds like... MUFFLED SHOUT

0:30:200:30:22

It's absolutely no use to me.

0:30:220:30:24

The house of cards collapses and I have to start again.

0:30:250:30:28

I don't know where to start. It's a pain.

0:30:280:30:32

Then it cuts back to the female lines

0:30:320:30:34

and they're now about six feet from the wildebeest.

0:30:340:30:37

Their leader one is sneaking up doing that shoulder number.

0:30:370:30:41

(Agnes.)

0:30:480:30:49

(Agnes!)

0:30:550:30:57

(Agnes!)

0:30:570:30:58

Once my feet get on the stage, I become this other guy.

0:31:300:31:34

You know, it's a different energy.

0:31:340:31:37

I remember Barry Humphries put it much better than I could.

0:31:370:31:41

He said, "Sometimes you'll be in Toronto or New York

0:31:410:31:44

"and you do interviews all day and you get tired and tireder.

0:31:440:31:50

"You walk onto the stage in front of 3,000 people and you think,

0:31:500:31:53

"Alone at last."

0:31:530:31:56

I know exactly what that means.

0:31:560:32:00

This is where you can be you.

0:32:000:32:02

The thing I've always loved is if you go to a bar,

0:32:060:32:13

usually about 6:30, before seven,

0:32:130:32:19

and there'll be a crowd of about 12 people,

0:32:190:32:22

they might be nurses from the local hospital or girls from the office.

0:32:220:32:28

A mixture of men and women from the offices or the banks next door.

0:32:280:32:34

Somebody is leaving or somebody is getting married

0:32:340:32:39

and they're having a wee do.

0:32:390:32:41

If you watch them in the corner,

0:32:410:32:43

they'll be getting drinks in and stuff and they will explode

0:32:430:32:47

with laughter, a real explosion of hysterical laughter.

0:32:470:32:52

There's not a comedian near them and I like to think that's what I do.

0:32:520:32:57

That is the nearest to what I...

0:32:570:32:59

That's what I aim for, to be as funny as ordinary people are.

0:32:590:33:02

Then you go home and you watch telly and there's a comedian on

0:33:020:33:06

and you go...

0:33:060:33:07

"He's quite good, he's quite good. That's clever."

0:33:070:33:12

But they're roaring.

0:33:120:33:14

Maybe they're just impersonating the boss or something,

0:33:140:33:17

but they've got it, whatever it is, they've got it.

0:33:170:33:21

Just looking at that,

0:33:210:33:22

you can say you were one of the original provocateurs

0:33:220:33:25

and now you've got someone like Frankie Boyle

0:33:250:33:27

-who's an absolute provocateur.

-Yeah.

0:33:270:33:29

His big thing is, "There is nothing I can't say."

0:33:290:33:32

Do you believe that to be true of yourself

0:33:320:33:34

or would you not be like that?

0:33:340:33:36

There's stuff I wouldn't say.

0:33:360:33:38

I don't know what it is but I know there's stuff

0:33:380:33:41

that has crossed my mind and I've changed my mind about saying it.

0:33:410:33:44

I think the Frankie Boyle's of the world are great.

0:33:440:33:47

You've got Ken Dodd at one end and Frankie at the other.

0:33:470:33:50

So you know where the middle is.

0:33:520:33:54

You know where you stand and you've got a remote control.

0:33:540:33:57

If you don't like Frankie Boyle, move your families out your life forever.

0:33:570:34:01

You talk about outrageous stars now,

0:34:010:34:03

when you made the Ken Bigley remark, about Ken Bigley,

0:34:030:34:07

and he was killed two days later...

0:34:070:34:09

Is that something that you think should have been off-limits,

0:34:090:34:13

you should have censored yourself, or not?

0:34:130:34:15

Actually, it was deeply overrated by the press.

0:34:150:34:19

I was talking about CNN, I wasn't talking about Ken Bigley.

0:34:190:34:22

I was talking about the newscasters getting fed up.

0:34:220:34:25

-Reporting on it?

-Yes.

0:34:250:34:27

They were saying, "Still no word."

0:34:270:34:30

And what they really mean is, still alive.

0:34:300:34:33

But you got it in the neck for that.

0:34:330:34:36

I got it in the neck from that man and wife team,

0:34:360:34:38

that creepy couple who've got a book club and all that.

0:34:380:34:42

-Oh, yes, Richard and Judy.

-Yeah, that's where I got it.

0:34:420:34:45

I thought you meant The Krankies.

0:34:450:34:47

How I wish I was there when she fell out the Beanstalk!

0:34:490:34:53

I want to play you something. This is from a documentary back in 1983.

0:34:540:34:58

That's St Mungo.

0:35:030:35:05

They call him "The Big Yin", The Big One,

0:35:050:35:07

not just because he happens to stand over six feet tall,

0:35:070:35:10

but because he's the biggest thing to sweep Scotland

0:35:100:35:13

since, well, nobody can remember when.

0:35:130:35:16

He's adored all over Scotland in general

0:35:160:35:18

and in his home town of Glasgow, in particular.

0:35:180:35:22

Hang on, I'll be down in a minute.

0:35:220:35:24

St Mungo!

0:35:260:35:27

I was going to come here on a bus but I was scared in case somebody

0:35:340:35:38

thought I was the Pope and got tore into me.

0:35:380:35:40

Identity. Do you think of yourself...

0:35:420:35:44

You talk about the fact that you live all over the world

0:35:440:35:47

but do you think of yourself as Scottish?

0:35:470:35:49

You've got the keys to the city of Glasgow.

0:35:490:35:52

Do you think of yourself as coming from Glasgow,

0:35:520:35:54

as coming from a kind of nation?

0:35:540:35:56

I think of myself as a Glaswegian

0:35:560:35:59

before I think of myself as a Scot,

0:35:590:36:02

although I'm very proud to be a Scot.

0:36:020:36:04

You've always had an ambivalent relationship with Scotland.

0:36:040:36:08

You're identifiably one of the most famous Scots in the world.

0:36:080:36:12

I've had no problem with Scotland in my whole life.

0:36:120:36:15

I love the place and it kind of likes me

0:36:150:36:17

but I've had a problem with the media my whole life.

0:36:170:36:20

I find them to be middle-class arses.

0:36:210:36:25

But...

0:36:250:36:27

The kind of people who had dressing gowns when they were children.

0:36:270:36:30

One quote, 1997, you were on Frost

0:36:300:36:35

and you said about the Scottish Parliament.

0:36:350:36:38

"We don't want a Stormont,

0:36:380:36:39

"I don't want a wee pretendy Government in Edinburgh."

0:36:390:36:42

God, that lasted for ages.

0:36:420:36:44

Yes. But did you mean it? Did you regret it?

0:36:440:36:48

-Are we out of place saying it?

-I don't regret it.

0:36:480:36:50

I thought it was terrible to have another layer of government.

0:36:500:36:53

"Oh, that's what we really need(!)"

0:36:530:36:55

I just keep saying to myself, well...

0:36:550:36:58

and I do it a lot with politics,

0:36:580:37:01

how is it going to affect the average plumber, this great idea you have?

0:37:010:37:05

If it isn't going to affect him, away and work, leave us alone.

0:37:060:37:10

What makes you so sure that having a Scottish parliament

0:37:100:37:13

wouldn't be better than having Westminster, for example?

0:37:130:37:16

It might well be but you've ended up with both now.

0:37:160:37:19

So, where do you stand?

0:37:200:37:22

The referendum has just been called for 2014.

0:37:220:37:24

-Would you back independence?

-I don't think so.

0:37:240:37:27

No, it's a kind of hippy attitude I have to it.

0:37:300:37:32

I think it's time for people to get together, not separate.

0:37:320:37:37

It's quite interesting though because what is your kids' identity?

0:37:370:37:41

They've got a New Zealand mum, a Scottish dad, they kind

0:37:410:37:45

of live in New York, they live in Glasgow, they live in Aberdeenshire.

0:37:450:37:48

They don't sound like you, presumably.

0:37:480:37:51

No, they sound like Americans.

0:37:510:37:53

Cara, who was born in Scotland, sounds like RP,

0:37:530:37:57

because she was educated in Ascot.

0:37:570:37:59

She's kind of posh sounding and Jamie, he's in his 40s now.

0:38:000:38:05

He has a Scottish accent with an American edge to it

0:38:050:38:09

because he lives in LA and has done for many years.

0:38:090:38:13

We all have different accents.

0:38:130:38:15

When the kids think of you, do they think of you like that

0:38:150:38:19

with your welly boots on, your big banana feet?

0:38:190:38:22

-They don't remember them.

-They never see these pictures now?

0:38:220:38:26

They see the pictures and think it's ridiculous.

0:38:260:38:29

When they were younger, I used to put the stage gear on and march into the

0:38:290:38:33

living room with the floral, silk trousers and the platform shoes.

0:38:330:38:38

They would go, "My God! Who is this?"

0:38:380:38:41

"Get out!"

0:38:410:38:43

I had some wild stuff.

0:38:430:38:46

You had really gone from musician, which you were, of course,

0:38:460:38:49

originally, with Gerry Rafferty, to being a comedian, to being an actor.

0:38:490:38:54

-Now the next stage is to be an artist.

-Yeah.

0:38:540:38:59

Has that been a late in life transformation

0:38:590:39:02

or have you always drawn?

0:39:020:39:04

No, I started at Quebec in Montreal.

0:39:040:39:06

It was freezing.

0:39:060:39:08

There was a wee art shop across from the hotel

0:39:080:39:11

and I got some felt tip pens and a sketchbook.

0:39:110:39:15

I've never drawn in my life.

0:39:150:39:18

I started to tootle about and I would just draw little islands,

0:39:180:39:24

snakes and stuff.

0:39:240:39:27

It kind of developed from there.

0:39:270:39:32

Did it get a critical appreciation?

0:39:320:39:34

I'm just thinking, I would imagine

0:39:340:39:37

if Billy Connolly put a dot on a piece of paper, it would sell.

0:39:370:39:40

No, I don't know what the critics are saying about it.

0:39:400:39:44

I don't read the critics but I remember,

0:39:440:39:46

out the corner of my eye, seeing the word, doodle.

0:39:460:39:49

I thought, I don't think I will read any further.

0:39:490:39:52

I think they see them as doodles, which they might well be.

0:39:520:39:56

So, this is the Hobbit.

0:39:580:40:00

You asked me to find the 14th member of this Cabinet

0:40:000:40:03

and I have chosen Mr Baggins.

0:40:030:40:05

-Me, no!

-Hobbits can pass unseen by most if they choose,

0:40:050:40:08

which gives us a distinct advantage.

0:40:080:40:11

We will seize this chance to take back Erebor.

0:40:110:40:14

-Here, Mr Bilbo, where are you off to?

-I'm going on an adventure.

0:40:150:40:19

-Dain Ironfoot.

-Yes.

0:40:190:40:21

It's taken you a long time to get to all of that magic stuff

0:40:210:40:25

and here you are, you're going to be Dain Ironfoot,

0:40:250:40:27

King of the Dwarves in The Hobbit.

0:40:270:40:29

-Did you read The Hobbit as a teenager?

-No.

0:40:290:40:32

Not only didn't I read it,

0:40:340:40:35

I didn't like people who did.

0:40:350:40:38

There was a definite split between the Tolkiens and the non-Tolkiens.

0:40:380:40:42

I was bluegrass and blues and picking and singing and hairy

0:40:420:40:48

and the Tolkiens had the book under their arm with the corduroy jacket.

0:40:480:40:52

I've never liked Tolkien people.

0:40:520:40:54

I always found them kind of creepy.

0:40:540:40:56

Especially the ones who could speak those languages.

0:40:560:40:59

Dwarvish and Elvish.

0:40:590:41:01

-You're going to have to learn some of that stuff.

-I've done it.

0:41:010:41:05

-I can't remember it.

-Speak to me in Elvish.

-It is kind of...

0:41:050:41:09

-It is Dwarvish I speak.

-Oh, sorry. Speak to me in Dwarvish.

0:41:090:41:12

It's very guttural, it's very Scottish.

0:41:120:41:15

There is a lot of glottal stoppage.

0:41:150:41:17

Do not remember any of it now?

0:41:170:41:20

Not a syllable.

0:41:200:41:21

Well, that could have been worse.

0:41:310:41:32

The book, Billy, is, on the back, it says, "Who is Billy Connolly?"

0:41:370:41:43

That was 10 years ago. It sold over 1 million copies.

0:41:430:41:45

-Yes.

-Who is Billy Connolly?

0:41:450:41:48

-Is he an actor, performer, comedian, Dad, Grandad?

-I have no idea.

0:41:480:41:52

It depends on how you feel when you get up in the morning,

0:41:520:41:54

what you're going to be all day.

0:41:540:41:57

I find it quite difficult to think of exactly who I am or where I live.

0:41:570:42:05

I'm not sure where I live.

0:42:070:42:08

You know, I have the New York place and Scotland and a wee one in Malta.

0:42:100:42:15

I like them all very much but I'm not sure which one is where I live,

0:42:150:42:19

where my address is.

0:42:190:42:21

-Or where you leave your shoes behind?

-Yeah.

0:42:210:42:23

That's the worst thing about having more than one house.

0:42:230:42:26

You've got trousers in one house and jacket in another.

0:42:260:42:29

-It's terrible. I feel like Eric Idle.

-What an affliction.

0:42:310:42:34

I feel like Eric Idle. He says nobody cares about the second homeless.

0:42:340:42:39

I suppose you will always be a big show off.

0:42:410:42:45

Yes, that's what you're supposed to do.

0:42:450:42:48

You're not supposed to be born and live and die and nobody noticed.

0:42:510:42:56

You're not supposed to be a beige mirage.

0:42:560:43:00

You're supposed to make your mark.

0:43:000:43:03

I even remember it in Hyndland Road when I had platform shoes

0:43:030:43:08

and the deckchair pants and the starry T-shirt

0:43:080:43:12

pushing the children in a pram on my own going along the road.

0:43:120:43:16

People were shouting at me and all that. I loved it.

0:43:160:43:20

Billy Connolly, thank you very much.

0:43:200:43:23

It's been a pleasure talking to you.

0:43:230:43:25

# If they keep on they way they're goin'

0:43:250:43:27

# We'll be all in the....

0:43:270:43:28

# So you better get your feet in your wellies

0:43:280:43:32

# If it wisnae fur yer wellies

0:43:320:43:35

# Where wud you be?

0:43:350:43:37

# You'd be in the hospital or infirmary

0:43:370:43:40

# Cos you would have a dose o' the flu or even plurasie

0:43:400:43:46

# If you didnae have your feet in yer wellies! #

0:43:460:43:54

APPLAUSE

0:43:540:43:57

I think you can take it that they liked you.

0:44:160:44:19

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0:44:190:44:21

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