An Earful of Willi Bottersnikes & Gumbles


An Earful of Willi

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HE CHUCKLES

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RAM BLEATS

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HE CACKLES

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MECHANICAL ARM WHIRS

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Whoa!

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HE GIGGLES

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Oh, yeah!

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Best Bottersnike costume at the annual Gumble fancy dress party -

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check. Plate of grubs - check.

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One last mirror check - check.

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-TOY:

-'Here is a cow - moo, moo.'

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It is clearly some kind of predictorating device.

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It knows what things are and what they will say.

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I'm the predictorator around here.

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It should stay with me.

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It's technology - it belongs with me.

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THEY GRUNT

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Give it here!

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'The wolf goes...'

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HE SNORES

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TOY HITS KING

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'This is a pig - oink, oink.'

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HE GROANS

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'Oink, oink.'

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HE GROANS

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# Bottersnike, yeah Bottersnike, Bottersnike. #

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-Woo! MERRI:

-Willi!

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You are obviously...

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Late.

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It's cos I wanted my Bottersnike costume to be the best ever.

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Hm... Time well spent!

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-Your Bottersnike costume is almost as good as Tink's.

-Huh?

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What?

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-HE LAUGHS

-Wow.

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-HE LAUGHS

-Toot! Toot!

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Nice one, Willi.

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That's the second-best Snike question here.

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HE GROWLS

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FLOAT GIGGLES

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How is this Bottersnike costume

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better than my Bottersnike costume?

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Uh...

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Um, well, Bottersnikes are tall,

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and Tink is taller.

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And Tink's is more Bottersnikey.

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How?! And what have you come as?

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She's a Grubling.

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I am.

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-She looks just like one.

-I do.

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No-one knows what they look like, she made them up!

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HE MOANS

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My Bottersnike costume IS the best. You're all whomp-wits.

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That was a very Snikey reaction.

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-Not bad at all.

-Yeah.

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SHE WHIMPERS

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Explain this.

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-TOY: 'This is a horse...'

-TOY WHINNIES

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HE GROANS

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Would you believe...

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i-it's a rogue conscience?

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Depends.

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What's a conscience?

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You know - that inner voice

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that tells you if you're about to do something...

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bad?

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No!

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Well, exactly.

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Bottersnike consciences almost never work.

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I demand you get rid of this conscience at once.

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I'm sure I can extraculate it.

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Hm...

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Whomping Tink, always better than me.

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I'll show them how to be the most Bottersnikey.

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Hurry up, you po-pudding!

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HE GROANS

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'The rooster says - cock-a-doodle-doo!'

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The King says, "Why is this not working?!"

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Conscience extraculation is a-a delicate

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medicical procedure that cannot be rushed.

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Oh. Well, go on, then.

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HE GROANS

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'The bird says - chirp, chirp, cheep.'

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Whomp!

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Just need to extraculate harder,

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with this!

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Release this precision extraculator at once.

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WILLI SCREAMS

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Ow!

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THEY GASP

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What are you looking at?

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SHE WHIMPERS

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What the Bot?!

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WILLI WHIMPERS

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Why is a tiny Bottersnike coming out of my ear?

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I-I was just passing through?

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Wait, you think I look just like a Bottersnike?

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You couldn't look more like a Bottersnike

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without being a Bottersnike.

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I knew it.

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ARE you a Bottersnike?

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What else would I be?

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SHE GASPS

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I think we've awoken and almost extraculated his actual conscience.

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Are you the King's conscience?

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Yes. Yes, I am.

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Why were you telling me what noises things make?

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Consciences do that sometimes?

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This is the sound your bum makes...

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PARP!

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Oh! Your conscience knows his bum sounds.

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My lumpy liege,

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perhaps removing your conscience is not such a good idea.

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You might need it.

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It occurs to me, Weathersnike,

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that you don't have a clue what you're talking about.

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-I should sit on your head.

-SHE GASPS

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Sitting on heads is such a stupid Bottersnike thing to do.

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You should listen to your conscience.

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Really?

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WILLI STRAINS

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What? Who's there?

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Oh! Ow!

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Pointy-pokey-pooping-ow!

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See? Stupid thing to do.

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HE SCOFFS

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HAMMER STRIKES METAL

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GUBBO GRUNTS

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HE LAUGHS

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Hey, Conscience, watch this.

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MECHANICAL ARM WHIRS

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I'm going to lob that massive ball on Gubbo's roof.

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He'll be squashed.

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You can't do that.

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Watch me.

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KING LAUGHS

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KING GROANS

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HE GRUMBLES

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You appear to know what you're talking about.

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I do. Want to know what you should do?

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Depress me.

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You should go to the Gumble tree right now

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and point out just how much your conscience looks like a Bottersnike.

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And, I don't know, maybe apologise for being mean.

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I'll be doing none of that.

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If you don't, your bum will fall off.

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What?! Nonsense.

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It will. That's exactly what will happen.

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If you don't do exactly what your conscience - me -

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tells you to do, your bottom will fall off.

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Everyone knows that.

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They do?

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CHANK CLEARS HIS THROAT

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-Huh?

-My melodorous monarch,

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where might you be going in such a discreet,

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some might say suspicious manner?

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Answer that after - why do you have a miniature Snike

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-coming out of one ear?

-That's his conscience.

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Silly.

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Conscience?

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Then I call for you to stand down as king.

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The Snikes can't have a king with a conscience bossing him around.

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-HE SCOFFS

-I'm not being bossed around,

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I'm simply taking good care of my bottom.

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-Are you going to the Gumble tree to sit on them?

-To spang them?

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No, I'm going to...

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-HE COUGHS:

-Apologise.

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-ALL:

-Apologise?!

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I have to listen to my conscience or my bottom will fall off.

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Everyone knows that.

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THEY GASP

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We must all wake up our consciences!

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HE GRUMBLES

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-WEATHERSNIKE:

-We must all wake up our consciences!

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THEY GRUNT AND MOAN Ow!

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LAUGHTER

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PARTY MUSIC PLAYS

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THEY LAUGH

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THEY GASP

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WILLI CLEARS HIS THROAT

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The Bottersnike King has something very important to say.

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Yuck!

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Actually...don't worry about it.

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Hm, is that a loose bottom I hear?

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-HE GROWLS

-Fine.

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I'd just like to say, I'm sorry for being mean to the Gumbles.

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There, I said it.

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WILLI: He has another thing to tell you.

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-Huh?

-He also wants to tell you that I, his conscience,

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could not...? Could not...?

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Not what?

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Could not look more like a Bottersnike.

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Oh, that.

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Yes, he could not look more like a Bottersnike.

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WILLI: Do we all hear that?

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This Bottersnike thinks I could not look more like a Bottersnike.

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Without being a Bottersnike -

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-like that fella.

-THEY GASP

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Hello, have we met?

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I expected I'd be the only Bottersnike here.

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You ARE the only Bottersnike here!

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-Oops.

-The only one that matters, obviously.

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HE LAUGHS

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This conscience is the worst.

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Any second, it'll probably start

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telling me the sounds things make.

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This is the sound of a really angry Gumble.

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WILLI ROARS, THEY YELP

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I DO look the most like a Snike. How would he know anyway?

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He's so stupid, he thinks I'm his conscience.

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HE GASPS

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THEY GASP

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-Eh?

-Grumble-guts.

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THEY STRAIN

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If you're not my conscience, what are you?

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Just a really tiny Snike?

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Then prepare to get tinier!

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Whoa!

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Ah-ha! Not shrinking?

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Not a Snike.

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Would you believe I'm pre-shrunk?

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No. That'd be stupid. HE LAUGHS

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Right. Who shall we spang first?

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-Um...

-No. No. Tell him -

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just for the party, the Gumbles have filled their moat

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with non-Snike-shrinking water.

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Yeah. Yeah.

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That's exactly what they've done.

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See? Come on in, the water's fine.

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HE LAUGHS

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Last one in's a rotten Gumble!

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THEY GIGGLE

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HE MOANS IN A HIGH VOICE

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THEY LAUGH

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Non-Snike-shrinking water. Nice one, Willi.

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That idea was even better than one of Tink's.

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Really?

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Better than Tink? Woohoo!

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Hey-hey!

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KING SIGHS

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It turned out my conscience

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was actually...

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THEY PANT AND MOAN

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..very much worth getting out.

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You'll find superior extraculators over there.

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HE CHUCKLES

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-ALL:

-Ow!

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This is so much more enjoyable without a conscience!

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HE LAUGHS

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