China Remotely Funny


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IN CHINESE:

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Oh, hi, everyone.

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Welcome to Remotely Funny.

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Hey, everyone. My name is Saara and this is Remotely Funny,

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the show that has the power to go anywhere in the UK

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and dive right into your living room.

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So you never need to leave your house. Ever again!

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I'm serious.

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I'm coming in wirelessly, hijacking your home

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and then offering you prizes.

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You can play if you're in your PJs, you can play if you're grounded,

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you can even play if you're supposed to be tidying your room.

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Quick! Just stuff everything under the bed.

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That usually works. Today, I'm in China.

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Ni hao.

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Let's meet today's Remotely Funny contenders.

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First up, it's Maisie.

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-Hi, Maisie.

-Hi!

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Maisie is nine years old and from Chester.

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In her spare time, she likes playing with her dogs and baking.

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Maisie loves to experiment with food.

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She likes dipping strawberries in hummus

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and has even tried garlic mealworms. Eugh!

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-Tell me who's with you today.

-I'm with my dad and 50 teddy bears.

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Why do you need 50 teddy bears?

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Because they're too nice to get rid of.

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Oh. I understand.

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Maisie, why do you think your dad is going to be a good team mate today?

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He is funny and he is very energetic.

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That's going to come in handy in this game.

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It's time to meet Aman!

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Maisie and family, say hello to Aman and his posse.

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-Hey, how you doing?

-Hello, Aman.

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Hey!

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Nine-year-old Aman is from north-west London.

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He loves cricket and football

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and his favourite position is the goalie.

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He can speak Urdu and has an awesome pet parrot called Raja,

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who tells him if he's going to be late for school.

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Aman, who are you with?

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I'm here with my brother, my dad and my mother.

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-Hi!

-Charming to meet you.

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Aman, you want to be a pilot when you grow up.

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I like planes and we're going on a plane next Sunday.

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I only fly by private jet. Would you like to come work for me?

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-Yeah, I'll come for you, then.

-I'll employ you ten years from now.

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-Yeah.

-And finally, connecting to Bridie.

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Everybody say hello to Bridie and her peeps.

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-ALL:

-Hello, Bridie!

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Bridie is nine years old and from Derbyshire.

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Bridie's hobbies are gymnastics, cheerleading

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and making lip-sync videos.

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Bridie loves mackerel and visiting her uncle's farm

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to ride the tractor.

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Bridie, who are you with?

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With my mum, my sister and my dad.

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Bridie, I hear you've performed on the West End stage.

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I go to a drama school every Saturday

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and we were doing a show on there.

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Interesting. What are your tips for dealing with stage fright?

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Just to block out anything that is there.

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Just ignore people if they're in front of you

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and pretend you're doing it to a mirror.

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I like you a lot, Bridie.

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Thank you, families. Now, toddle off.

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Make a cup of tea and wait for your call,

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cos I don't need you any more. Now I only need my players.

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Goodbye, families. Get out of here! Go to your rooms!

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OK, players. Let me tell you about what you can be bragging

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to your friends about for years to come.

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Firstly, you get the title - Remotely Funny Champion.

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And secondly, it's the Remotely Funny hoodie.

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This beauty is made in China.

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It's a huge prize.

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Well, maybe not in size, but certainly in the style stakes.

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And you can order yours today by winning this game.

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OK, I need to see that you guys are ready.

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Show me your worst game faces and be loud.

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Wow! Those are big. I'm actually kind of scared right now.

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This is Bedroom Bonanza.

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The rules are quite simple.

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I name something and you have to grab it for me.

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First one back with the item wins three of my samojis.

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-Is everyone ready? ALL:

-Yes.

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First item I want you to get

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is something that does not belong to you.

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Go! Go get something that does not belong to you.

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That is not yours. And do not bring grandad.

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Bridie!

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Back first, I see.

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And Aman has a good number two.

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Where's Maisie?

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Bridie, what is that?

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It's my dog's teddy.

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OK, we'll take that. What about you, Aman? What do you have?

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This is my brother's fake toaster.

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Wonderful. I like your brother.

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-What about you, Maisie? What do you have?

-My mum's knickers!

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Oh, my goodness! SAARA LAUGHS

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Bridie, you were back first, so that means you get three samojis.

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Yay!

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Is everyone ready for the next item?

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I want you to bring me something that would be useful

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if you went to a rainforest.

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Go! What would be useful in a rainforest?

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Come on, everyone. Oh!

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Maisie, what is that?

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-Water bottle.

-What would you do with a water bottle in a rainforest?

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-Drink it!

-I mean, I guess it is practical, so good job there.

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What about you, Bridie? What do you have?

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A toothbrush.

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OK, so you're taking care of your personal hygiene.

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I like that. So, what about you, Aman? What do you have?

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I have my bow.

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Why would you bring a bow with you to the rainforest.

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To catch food.

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OK, interesting. Maisie, you were back first.

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-So you get three samojis. Ding ding!

-Yay!

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Aman, because you put a lot of thought in yours,

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I'm going to give you one extra samoji, Aman.

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-Yes!

-The final item.

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What would you take to a pop concert?

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Bring me something that you would take to a pop concert.

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Come on, come on!

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OK.

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Maisie was back first.

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Aman, bring me something.

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Aman, what is that?

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-I have brought a drum.

-Interesting.

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So whenever the breaks are on, you can play your own music.

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Look at you, Aman. You're so intelligent!

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And you're also so very musical.

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-Maisie, what do you have there?

-Sunglasses!

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OK. Why would you take sunglasses to a pop concert?

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Just in case it's sunny or because they're so amazing,

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they're blinding with light.

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What about you, Bridie? What do you have?

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I have a hat, so I can keep the sun off and I can look like a pop star.

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Cool festival vibes! I like that.

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Maisie, you were back first, so you get three samojis.

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Yes!

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Aman, I'm going to give you one extra samoji for creativity.

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Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

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Hey, Bridie. Come a little closer, will you?

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Just Bridie.

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I have a special chance for you, Bridie, to win an extra samoji.

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Do you fancy that?

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I spoke to your mum earlier and she told me a little secret about you.

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You once broke something and pretended it wasn't you.

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For an extra samoji, tell me what you broke.

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It was something electrical.

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No? Well, the answer was a new stereo.

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I was dancing and I snapped the aerial.

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OK, that's the end of Round One.

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Who has the most samojis?

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Aman has two.

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Bridie has three.

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But top of the samoji board is Maisie, with six gorgeous samojis.

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Yeah!

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I'm hungry.

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Take me to the kitchen. It's Food Flash time.

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Take me to the kitchen, everyone.

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We've only just started, but time to crank up the heat.

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Maisie, where are you at the moment?

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On the kitchen table. Well, I'm not. You are.

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I've eaten my way around China, but I still like a taste of home

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every now and then. So, for this game,

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I'm going to show you a Food Flash picture

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of one of my favourite Finnish dishes

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and you have 45 seconds to recreate it.

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Samojis for the player who makes their dish look

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as close to the picture as possible.

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A finished kitchen is not complete

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without at least one bottle of ruskeakastike.

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Grab the bottle and yell, "I love ruskeakastike"!

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-ALL:

-I love ruskeaka...ka...ka!

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Exactly. Good job.

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Today's dish is called moldecoreometofmas.

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And here it is.

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Today's dish is exquisite in its form with wasabi pea crackling

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and candied cherries,

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accompanied by an ice jade dusting on a layer of hot pink potato puree

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with a sprinkling of red colouring jus.

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Finished with famous Finnish gravy.

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Ruskeakastike.

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Start cooking now! Start shouting orders.

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You can even shout orders at your parents.

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You need all the help you can get.

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Maisie, where's your dad? You need all the help.

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He's coming.

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Aman, get your mum to help you. You need help.

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You're taking your sweet time, but you only have, like,

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20 seconds left.

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Maisie, what are you doing?

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I'm turning it into a round thing.

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-Great.

-It looks less disgusting than the picture. No, it doesn't.

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All right, everyone. All right, everyone.

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You still have a little bit of time left.

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You don't have long left.

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Two, one, zero.

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Stop cooking! Everyone, put everything down.

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It is time to take a look at your finished dishes.

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Maisie, show your creation to me.

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Oh, Maisie, OK. I see.

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Can you give me a little description of your dish?

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Pink mashed potato. Yuck!

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Why do I not see any gravy on that?

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We didn't have time to put anything else on it but the mash.

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Bridie, can I see your dish?

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OK, OK. I see.

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So, can you tell me something about your dish?

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It's pink mashed potato with wasabi peas and cherries.

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OK, I don't see any Finnish gravy on your dish, either. Why is that?

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I didn't see any on the picture.

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Oh!

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Aman, what about you? Tell me about your dish.

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It's pinkie pie.

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Aman, your dish looks closest to the picture,

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-so Aman gets three samojis.

-Yes!

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Well, just for good measure,

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I think you all should put some of that gravy on your dishes right now.

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Pop the gravy and pour it on.

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I need it. My soul needs it.

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I haven't seen it for...

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Yes! There you go, Bridie.

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It's time to discover just how good it really is.

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Bonus samojis for parents that don't just try it,

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they also have to show me they love it.

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Everyone say, "Mmmm"!

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-ALL:

-Mmm!

-Dig in, dig in.

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Maisie's dad.

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Show me you love it!

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OK! Here goes.

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Mmm!

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Come on!

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Aman's mum. How much do you love it, Aman's mum?

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Anything that's made with love.

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That's the best ever.

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Bridie, how much does your mum love it?

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She loves it. She's just had another spoonful.

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Everyone gets bonus samojis because everyone's parents tried it out.

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Congratulations.

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Bonus samojis for everyone.

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Maisie, come closer to me and look me in the eye.

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Maisie, would you like a sneaky little samoji?

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I asked your dad earlier to tell me what the one thing he does

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that embarrasses you the most.

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If you can tell me what he said, I'll give you an extra samoji, OK?

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Tells jokes, but they're awful,

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and I go red, because they sound stupid.

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No! That is not the correct answer, Maisie.

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You just lost an extra samoji.

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The correct answer was cleaning his glasses with a pair of pants.

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Oh, no! Now the world knows it.

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Sorry, Maisie. Maybe next time.

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We're so close to the end now.

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I can smell the samojis.

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Bridie has four.

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Aman has six.

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And just holding on to the lead is Maisie, with seven samojis.

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Get ready for Toilet Takedown.

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Everyone to the bathroom!

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Take me to your toilets.

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Come on, Maisie. Pick me up. Two games in the bag.

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Bring on the next challenge.

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Players, you need to write your answers

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on the closest thing to paper -

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which, in the bathroom, is the loo roll.

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Or your dad's newspaper.

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Here comes the question. Is everyone ready?

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Yes.

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In April 2014, a man named Hristo Terziyski

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broke the world record for the most swimming caps worn at once.

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But how many swimming caps was that?

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In April 2014, a man named Hristo Terziyski

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broke the world record for the most swimming caps worn at once.

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But how many swimming caps was that?

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All right. Come to the screen and hold up your answers.

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Let's see what you guys wrote down.

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Maisie, what does yours say?

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4,000 swim hats.

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Swim hats! I like you.

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-Bridie, what does you say?

-74.

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-OK, what about you, Aman?

-75.

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That is insane, because the correct answer is 75!

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Aman, that is amazing. Three samojis for you.

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Bridie, you were so close,

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so I'm going to have to give you one extra samoji for that.

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Yeah!

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Great job. Oh, good.

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It's Loo Tube time. Check this out.

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Look, it's a little shark.

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The dog is a shark, too, I guess.

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For an extra samoji, I'm going to ask you a question

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about this clip I just showed you and first one to flush the loo

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gets to answer.

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There's a dog featured in the clip

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but what type of shark was it dressed up as?

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Maisie, you're first. What's your answer?

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A blue shark.

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Oh, it's not what I was looking for.

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Bridie, you were next. What do you think it is?

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-A hammer shark.

-Yes! That's right, Bridie.

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You get one extra samoji for that.

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Let's take a look at the samoji board.

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Bridie has six.

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Maisie has seven.

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And our new leader is Aman, with nine.

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Competitors, go forth to the lounge.

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It's time to play Remotely Funny Family.

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Let's go to the living room. Everyone to the living room.

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Come on, everyone. I'm getting bored here.

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Come on, come on. Onwards to samoji-winning glory.

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OK, everyone. I can see your backing singers are with you.

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I mean, your parents are here.

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Bridie, you're not a big fan of your mum's singing.

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-Why is that?

-It's embarrassing.

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All it is, is like, "Rr-h-rerr".

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Well, we'll see about that.

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Maisie, can you do an impression of your dad's singing voice?

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-"Na-na-na-na."

-I'm sure he doesn't sound like that.

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Aman, does your mum like to sing?

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She doesn't sing, at all.

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We're about to find out just how good they are.

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Players, find something your mums and dads can use as microphones.

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Anything. It could be a cucumber, TV remotes, hairspray can.

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Come on, we need a microphone for Mum or Dad.

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Maisie, what did you get your dad?

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A remote control.

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If it can be used as a microphone, it's completely correct.

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Bridie, what did you get?

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I got a thermometer, which tells the temperature of the room.

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Interesting. That's very creative, indeed.

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Well, Aman, what do you have?

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-The house phone.

-OK.

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Parents, I want you to really show off your vocal ability,

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or lack of it, in this game.

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Remember, you're performing like your kid's pride depends on it.

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Which it does, so don't let them down.

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I'm going to play each of you a song and when the music stops,

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you need to finish the lyrics.

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If you don't know the lyrics, make them up.

0:16:150:16:18

I'll also be awarding points for your performance style overall.

0:16:180:16:21

Bridie's mum, you're setting the tone.

0:16:210:16:24

Play the song!

0:16:240:16:26

# ..My love was burning

0:16:260:16:28

# Yeah, it's still burning

0:16:280:16:31

-# I keep... #

-KLAXON

0:16:310:16:33

# Going to the river to pray

0:16:330:16:36

# And I need

0:16:360:16:38

# Something that can wash out the pain

0:16:380:16:40

# Cos I need...

0:16:400:16:42

THEY MUMBLE

0:16:420:16:45

Good job! Wow! You actually knew the song.

0:16:460:16:50

Wow, Bridie, your mum was almost word perfect

0:16:510:16:54

but here's what the song actually sounds like.

0:16:540:16:56

# I keep going to the river to pray

0:16:580:17:02

# Cos I need something that can wash all the pain

0:17:020:17:07

-# And at most... #

-Aman's mum, it is your turn.

0:17:070:17:10

Hit the music.

0:17:100:17:11

# Just like she already owned it

0:17:110:17:14

# I said, "Can you give it back to me?"

0:17:140:17:18

# She said, "Never in your wildest dreams..." #

0:17:180:17:22

-KLAXON

-Just make it up.

0:17:220:17:25

-# Come on, come on...

-Anything.

0:17:250:17:27

# La, la, la-la-la

0:17:270:17:29

# Come on, let's go a-way

0:17:290:17:33

# Come on, let's go away

0:17:330:17:37

# Let's go away-a-a

0:17:370:17:40

# Let's go away-a-a. #

0:17:400:17:42

Aman, you just completely saved your mum there.

0:17:420:17:45

But here's what she should have sung.

0:17:450:17:48

# And we danced all night to the best song ever

0:17:480:17:53

# We knew every line

0:17:530:17:54

# Now I can't remember

0:17:540:17:57

# How it goes, but I know... #

0:17:570:17:59

And finally, last, but definitely not least, it's Maisie's dad.

0:17:590:18:03

Go, track!

0:18:030:18:04

# I won't give up without a fight

0:18:040:18:07

# I just want to oh-oh baby... #

0:18:080:18:14

-KLAXON

-# The melody's great

0:18:150:18:16

# And I like this song And it sounds like something

0:18:160:18:19

# I might want to sing

0:18:190:18:20

# Oh, oh, oh, oh

0:18:200:18:23

# Yeah, yeah, whatever that goes like

0:18:230:18:26

# But I'm going to keep singing along

0:18:260:18:28

# Because I don't know what I'm supposed to do. #

0:18:280:18:31

Well, Maisie's dad, I really appreciate the effort

0:18:310:18:33

but it wasn't good enough.

0:18:330:18:34

You were lacking in the lyrics department.

0:18:340:18:36

But here's the real deal.

0:18:360:18:37

# I just want you to dance with me tonight... #

0:18:370:18:41

Bridie, you get three samojis for best performance.

0:18:430:18:49

Aman, you get one samoji for style, because you saved your mum.

0:18:490:18:53

Maisie, you get one samoji for cringe.

0:18:530:18:55

So, let's loop.

0:18:570:18:59

# Cos I need... #

0:18:590:19:00

-# Come on... #

-# Ohh! #

0:19:000:19:02

-# Cos I need... #

-# Come on... #

0:19:020:19:05

-# Ohh! #

-# Cos I need... #

0:19:050:19:07

-# Come on... #

-# Ohh! #

0:19:070:19:09

Oi! Aman, come close.

0:19:090:19:12

For an extra samoji, what did your mum say

0:19:120:19:15

when I asked her what she has to nag you about the most?

0:19:150:19:18

Tidying up my room and stuff.

0:19:180:19:20

Yes. You get an extra samoji for that. Congratulations.

0:19:200:19:24

Let's see who's singing to the sweet sound of my samojis.

0:19:240:19:28

Maisie has eight.

0:19:280:19:29

Bridie has nine.

0:19:290:19:31

And Aman has stretched his lead with 11 samojis.

0:19:310:19:34

Say goodbye to the family.

0:19:350:19:37

Everyone leave the room.

0:19:370:19:39

-ALL:

-Bye!

-Bye.

0:19:390:19:42

It's the last chance to win big.

0:19:470:19:49

Now, go and get a buzzer.

0:19:490:19:50

I've got mine.

0:19:500:19:51

TING, TING!

0:19:510:19:53

CLANG!

0:19:530:19:54

TOY CAR ENGINE WHIRS

0:19:540:19:57

STRUM!

0:19:570:19:59

Lovely. Everyone come a little closer to the camera for me, please.

0:19:590:20:02

This game is called Say What You See Mojis.

0:20:020:20:05

Look at my samojis and tell me what they're meant to represent.

0:20:050:20:09

First person to buzz in and answer correctly wins the hallowed samojis.

0:20:090:20:14

First, Say What You See Moji. Here we go.

0:20:140:20:18

-Bridie.

-Coffee break.

0:20:180:20:20

Yes. Three samojis for you, Bridie. Good job.

0:20:200:20:24

Here comes the next one.

0:20:240:20:25

-Maisie.

-Disco ball.

0:20:280:20:30

No.

0:20:300:20:32

Bridie.

0:20:320:20:33

Strictly Come Dancing.

0:20:330:20:35

Yes. Another three samojis for you for that.

0:20:350:20:38

Good job, Bridie. So, the final one is...

0:20:380:20:40

-Maisie.

-Kung Fu Panda.

0:20:420:20:44

Yes! You get three samojis, Maisie. Good job.

0:20:440:20:48

That's it. An incredible samoji showdown

0:20:480:20:50

and I can reveal, today's Remotely Funny winner is...

0:20:500:20:55

..Bridie!

0:20:560:20:58

Yeah!

0:20:580:21:01

Great job, Bridie.

0:21:010:21:02

Bridie, I will be sending you the famous Remotely Funny hoodie.

0:21:070:21:11

Maisie and Aman, you don't go home empty-handed.

0:21:110:21:14

We will be sending you a surprise Remotely Funny souvenir.

0:21:140:21:17

All right, everyone. Get your families back in the room.

0:21:180:21:20

Shout for them.

0:21:200:21:22

Big, big, big thanks to you, Bridie, Aman and Maisie and your families

0:21:230:21:26

for letting Remotely Funny turn your homes into madhouses.

0:21:260:21:30

You've been immense. It's been remote.

0:21:300:21:32

And we've all been pretty funny.

0:21:320:21:34

Play the music. Zai jian!

0:21:340:21:37

Thank you so much, everyone! Thank you!

0:21:550:21:57

Yeah!

0:21:590:22:00

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