Sports Day Special - Kitty v Olive The Dog Ate My Homework

BELL RINGS

Helloooooo!

Yeah!

Yes! Hello, I'm Iain Stirling

and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework, where we're limbering up

because it's a sports day special!

And to show you how good we are at sports,

we're going to have a few shots.

Lads, put that down, get your racket out.

Come on, mate. Here we go.

Ready? Three, two, one.

Good shot. I just took a lady's eye out.

Guys, can I have my ball back?

IAIN SCREAMS

Actually... Actu...

Ow! Ow!

Stop it, stop it!

Right, let's take the register.

OK, on my right, a girl whose favourite sport is squash,

which is why we gave her a really small dressing room.

-It's Kitty, everybody.

-Here, sir.

And on Kitty's team, a comedian who says, "In sport there's no prize for

"coming second," and on this show there's no prize for coming first.

It's my pal Tom Craine.

Here, sir.

Also on Kitty's team, a presenter who has travelled the world trying

all sorts of sports, which is why

he knows the word loser in 58 languages.

It's All Over The Place's Ed Petrie.

Here, sir.

And to my left, there is a girl who's obsessed with not being able

to do the high jump, but now she's over it.

It's Olive.

Here, sir.

And on Olive's team is a wildlife presenter who once organised

a sports day for animals where a centipede teamed up with an octopus

to run a three-legged race. It was absolute pandemonium.

It's Naomi Wilkinson.

Here, sir.

And finally, on Olive's team, there's an actor and top triathlete,

in that he tries to be an athlete, but he is absolutely rubbish at it.

From Class Dismissed, it's Richard David-Caine.

-Here, sir.

-Can we please have a round of applause

for both of today's teams?

APPLAUSE

So, how does it all work?

Well, let me tell you.

It's a bit like the Olympics, only I get slightly more sweaty.

But who needs gold medals when you have these golden stars?

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

I'll award bonus stars for sporting prowess.

For example...

(Come, come in, come to me.)

WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!

Thank you. Thank you.

I'm a real talent, but be warned,

if you're less of a champ and more of a chump,

I can shoo those golden stars away.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

Hey!

It might be sports day, but it's still Iain's school, so it's...

AUDIENCE: Iain's rules!

The team with the most stars at the end of the show are the winners,

while the losers face detention with a man so strong he uses a javelin

as a toothpick - it's Mr Smash.

HE ROARS

Huh?!

Ha! Ha-ha-ha!

MR SMASH CHUCKLES

HE LAUGHS

GYM BALL DEFLATES

Let's get on with the show.

Time now for Stick To The Point.

Stick To The Point.

A quickfire round for quickfire people who'll quickly answer

quickly asked questions. Are you guys quickfire people?

-Yeah.

-Not quick enough. OK. I'll ask them questions.

If our teams are too slow, repeat an answer or just talk rubbish,

then I'll put them in the shush position.

Can I see your shush positions, please?

Lovely stuff.

But first, I need my stick of pointiness.

MUSIC: Chariots Of Fire theme

OK, last team speaking wins.

You know the rules. Your first question is,

things that might get you into trouble during sports day, Richard?

-Not doing sports day.

-Unless you've got a letter from your parents.

-Ed?

-Eating all the eggs in the egg and spoon race.

-Naomi?

-Gluing your egg to your spoon for the egg and spoon race.

Do you still do egg and spoon?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

Some kids are like, "What?!"

-Tom?

-Catching a taxi during the cross-country run.

LAUGHTER

He's earning, he's earning.

-Naomi?

-Fixing the beanbag into your ponytail bobble, so it doesn't fall

-off when you're supposed to balance it on your head.

-Naomi is a schemer.

Don't be fooled by her demeanour.

She will do anything to win.

Kitty, watch your back, that's all I'm saying.

Wilkinson's on you.

-OK, Richard.

-Being a distracting person in the...

-Oh, don't matter.

-BUZZER

-Tom.

-Getting a piggyback from Usain Bolt.

He's quick, is that lad.

-Olive.

-Cheating.

Yes! That's the simple answer.

-Kitty.

-Tripping someone up when they're running.

Yes. Naomi.

Tying your sports teacher's shoelaces together.

You have thought this through in such detail.

-Kitty.

-Er...

-Shush position.

-Tom.

-Wearing flippers in the swimming.

Yeah! Ed Petrie.

Putting springs on the bottom of your shoes in the high jump.

Yes. Naomi.

-Having a jet pack in the sprint.

-Oh!

-Ed.

-Saying to all the other kids,

"School's closed today," and then winning all the races yourself.

-Naomi.

-Erm...

-Shush position.

Olive. Olive, you are carrying this team. Here we go, Ed.

-Erm...

-Shush position.

It's Olive versus Tom.

Who's going to win? Let's find out. Olive.

Loads of gum on someone else's shoes so they can, like, walk like this.

Oh, yeah.

Tom.

-I'm beaten.

-Shush position.

Gold star to Olive's team.

Finally, things you would do in PE.

-Ed?

-Not get picked for teams.

Aww!

To be honest with you, he is terrible at all sports.

-Naomi.

-A cartwheel.

A cartwheel. Olive.

Hiding in the loos so you don't have to do PE.

Yeah, good one. Kitty.

-Jumping up and down.

-Bit of a boring PE class.

"Can we stop yet?"

"No, you need to get an A in jumping up and down."

-Richard.

-Getting picked last every time.

-I think, did you say that?

-Yeah, pretty much.

-We've had that.

Oh, so it's more painful than that, as well.

I know, you actually said it last.

Shush position, Richard. I'm so sorry.

-Kitty.

-Running.

Yes. Olive.

When you, like, get a ball and then you chuck it at them.

-Dodge ball?

-Yeah, that's the one I meant.

Or you just walk into a class, everyone's doing, like, gymnastics.

-Kitty.

-Erm...cartwheel.

-Shush position.

-That's my fault!

-Olive.

-Any gymnastics.

-Yes.

-Tom.

-I've forgotten the question, was it should or shouldn't do?

That's a good point, so have I.

-Things you would do.

-But anyway...

-That is hesitation, shush position.

-Oh!

Just Petrie left.

-Olive.

-Eating chocolate.

You wouldn't do that in PE.

-I would.

-You would.

I'm going to put you in the shush position, Olive.

It's Ed Petrie versus Naomi Wilkinson.

Who will come out triumphant?

I'm guessing Wilkinson.

Like I said before, she'll do anything to succeed.

-Ed Petrie.

-Er... Erm...

Shush position, please.

Gold star goes to Olive's team.

BELL RINGS

At the end of that round, the gold stars go to...

Olive's team.

This should be an Olympic event.

It is time for Mime Craft.

Mime Craft.

The rules are simpler than Mr Smash.

One member of each team has to act out an activity for their other

team-mates to guess, activities which will appear

on the flippy thing.

The flippy thing.

Yes. I was going to say we'll do the whole thing on roller blades,

but Mr Smash tried it earlier and it didn't go well.

And, today's teams, all the activities are like me,

very sporty in their nature.

So, Kitty, who do you want to take on their miming?

I think I'm going to go with Tom.

OK, Tom Craine, please make your way to the mime spot.

The mime spot.

-You ready, Tom?

-I am.

-You feeling confident?

-Not at all.

-Good.

Kitty, your time starts when you flip over your first one

on your flippy thing. Here we go.

-Boxing.

-Boxing.

-Yes.

-Cycling.

-No, more...

-Mountain biking.

-Yes!

-Diving.

-Yes.

-Diving.

-That was brilliant!

-Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

-Yeah.

Hurdles.

-No!

-Riding.

-Horse riding.

-No!

-Gymnastics.

Come on, it's got horse in it.

-Dressage.

-No! Dressage?!

-Horse racing. Racing.

-Skip it.

Skip it.

Speed walking?

Yes, race walking, I'll give you that.

-Fanning.

-Fanning?!

-Flipping pancakes.

-No!

It's a sport! More dancing sort of thing.

You spin it round...

Pass, pass, pass.

-Next one.

-Next one, next one.

-Arm wrestling.

-Yes!

-Naomi would be good at this.

-Egg and spoon!

-Egg and spoon race!

-Yes!

-Come on. That's easy!

-Wheelbarrow race.

BELL RINGS Oh, time up.

Bonus gold star for Tom Craine, that was brilliant!

I have never seen someone get more into that than you just did.

It's the only exercise I've done this year.

Olive's team, you're up next.

Who do you think can rival Tom on the miming front?

-Richard.

-Richard.

-Yes.

Time to make your way to the mime spot.

The mime spot.

Olive, your time starts when you flip over your first one

on your flippy thing. Here we go.

-Karate.

-Yes!

Cycling. Speed cycling.

-Velodrome.

-Yeah, I'll give you that. It's track cycling,

I'll give you that. Wait, wait, wait.

-Dodge ball.

-Yes!

He's not playing it well.

-Relay?

-No.

-Sumo.

-Going to the toilet.

You don't throw the ball backwards, you throw the ball forwards.

-Rugby.

-Yeah, rugby.

Look at... Naomi was like, "Rugby?"

Next, next, next.

-Cricket.

-Golf.

-Cricket. Golf.

-You're playing the sports weird.

-Netball, basketball.

-No. What is this?

-Handball.

-Handball, yes.

Oh, right!

Diving... Synchronised swimming.

-No, it's another type, it's the other one.

-Oh, yeah.

-Diving.

-Yes, synchronised diving, yeah.

You've got to do it, you've got to do it, try.

-What's the ring?

-BELL RINGS

What was that?

OK, and at the end of that round, the team with the most right answers

and getting themselves a gold star is...

Olive's team.

Time to limber up your pie-throwing arms, it's now Pie The Supply.

Pie The Supply.

And for today's show, we've found four people all claiming to be real

PE teachers. Obviously - this is a sports day special.

But only one teacher is telling the truth,

so our teams have to identify and then pie the supply.

Teacher number one is Ms Ellis.

Teacher number two, Mr Adams.

Teacher number three, Mrs Robertson.

And teacher number four, Mr Mame.

And then teacher number f... Mr Smash.

What are you doing here, mate?

Do you know what? I'm going to teach you a lesson.

MR SMASH YELLS

APPLAUSE

Mr Smash, did we do that in rehearsals?

NO!

OK, guys.

Kitty's team, you're up first.

School disco.

School disco!

MUSIC: Titanium by David Guetta feat Sia

Kitty... Look at Tom Craine!

-You're covered in it!

-I hit Mr Smash with an inflatable guitar and then

he did this to me. This is what happened, it's, er... Yeah.

We have not got another T-shirt.

Kitty, first impressions?

Four teachers there, one is a PE teacher.

From the look of them, they're all beautiful people,

but who do you think is the PE teacher?

I think it's either one or two.

-Why?

-They look very sporty and ready to go.

Ready to... At any minute they could take off.

Olive, you're still at school, aren't you?

-Yes.

-Well done.

You do PE, don't you?

-Yes.

-Well, you're an expert.

Which one of them do you think is a PE teacher?

I think it's either one, two, three or four.

Olive, you are like a young Sherlock Holmes.

Pie them all!

I thought it might be number two,

but now he looks too nice to be a PE teacher.

He's smiling, isn't he?

Whereas number one's still got that cold look about her.

Shall we find something out? Number two,

let's say I'm lagging in a cross-country run and you want to

kind of motivate me to run faster.

Yell at me, make me feel I can do it. Go on.

You need to do...more work there.

-You're not the fastest...

-LAUGHTER

Look how kind!

-He's so sweet!

-Not to be rude, but have you ever spoken before?

He couldn't get angry. He's like, "I'm going to just...

"I just think everyone wins.

"Just... Tom, I know you're behind,

"but as long as you're enjoying yourself, that's the main thing."

"It's the taking part that counts."

Right, we're going to tell Tom he's behind in the race,

-we'll speed him up. Number four.

-Come on, I want you to go, come on!

Come on! Let's go!

Faster! Faster! I want more right now!

Come on! Now! I want more, more, more, more!

Number one, speed Tom up.

Right, you can this. Come on, put your oar in it!

Your oar in it?!

And finally, number three.

Come on! Chop, chop, chop, chop!

-I've got snails run faster than you. Come on, chop chop!

-Oh!

AUDIENCE GROANS

-She went a bit ad-libbed.

-Very good.

Right, Olive's team.

-Yes, Olive?

-PE teachers tend to have, like,

have done some kind of big thing, like a marathon.

-Yeah.

-Oh, yeah.

What achievements have you made?

Oh, wow, it's become like a job interview.

OK.

Big sporting achievements, number three.

I have climbed Mount Fuji in Japan.

Wow. Impressive.

-Number one?

-Goat Fell.

-Sorry?

-Goat Fell?

-Coat Vell?

-Goat Fell, it's in Arran.

-Goat Fell!

-Goat Fell. She went up Mount Fuji, mate.

Come on!

-OK, number two?

-I ran the London Marathon last year.

What time did you do?

Four hours 25?

He's lying!

"OK, two hours off the time."

And finally, number four.

I've done 100 metres, 200 metres and 400 metres.

Wow.

"I mean, I walked them all, but..."

"..I've done them." Right, audience,

it's now your turn to let us know what you think.

One, two, three or four? Make your voices heard.

Guys, who do you think is the real PE teacher? Vote now!

ALL SHOUT

-What do you think?

-What are they all saying?

A lot of two and three.

OK, lots of ones, lots of twos, lots of threes, not so many fours.

Your story of the 100 metres has impressed nobody.

But, Kitty, who do you think totally lied and who's about to get pied?

Kitty, it's time to pie the supply!

Pie the supply.

Off you go, Kitty, let's do this.

There you go. Come on, Kitty. Pie one of them.

Olive, who do think it is? It's now your turn to pie the supply!

Pie the supply.

Oh, wow, it's a big one. OK, Olive.

-I mean, that is needlessly big, that pie, isn't it?

-It's quite big.

Yeah, I bet you all wish you'd said the 100 metres now.

That was massive. That was, like,

bigger than that weird mountain you tried to describe.

It's like Goat Fell all over again.

Right, let's... Please be one or two.

Would the real PE teacher please step forward?

Which means, at the end of that round, the gold star goes

-to Olive's team!

-Yeah!

Time now for Globe Hoppers.

Globe Hoppers!

Ed, you're a bit of a globe hopper...

-I am.

-..on All Over The Place. How many countries have you visited?

Oh, in the 40s, probably.

40s? How many have you travelled to via space hopper?

-Absolutely none of them.

-Well, I win, then!

CRASH!

OK, what's going to happen is,

I'll call out clues to different countries around the world.

All the teams have to do is grab the right names of the country

and bring it back to me,

all on said space hoppers.

Kitty, who from your team do you want to do some hopping about?

I think it's going to be Ed.

Ed Petrie, OK.

-Olive...

-Well...

Do you want Richard or do you want Naomi to bounce around?

Well, due to the competitiveness of the two,

I'm going to get Naomi.

Oh! They present together.

They are now mortal enemies!

Ed and Naomi, let's go Globe Hopping!

OK, guys, are you both ready to get hopping?

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

-This is a geography round.

Time starts when I ask the first question.

Here we go. Are you ready?

-Yeah.

-Yes.

-What country is decorated Olympian Michael Phelps from?

-Where is Michael Phelps from?

-America!

-America!

Get back. You've got to get back. It is the USA!

The Nou Camp football stadium can be found in which country?

The Nou Camp, where?

The Nou Camp?

The Nou Camp.

Football stadium. There we go.

Get back, get back, get back, get back...

Spain's correct!

OK, what country does England play in the cricketing series The Ashes?

Go!

Oh, Ed! Ed, you're brutal!

Oh, it's going high. It's going to break something.

Oh, you got it! Australia!

Come on, Naomi!

Sprinter Usain Bolt represents what country?

You're brutal, Ed.

-Ed!

-Get it back here.

-Yeah!

Come on, Naomi.

Jamaica's correct.

What country is due to host the 2020 Olympic Games?

Oh!

Yes! Naomi!

Oh, she's down! Hurry up!

-Tired!

-Japan!

-Is this the end?

-Not yet.

The Bird's Nest sports stadium can be found in which country?

Go, go, go! Keep going!

-What is it?

-Oh!

-Yes, yes!

-Where is it?

Is it on the floor?

China's correct!

BELL RINGS

OK, I can tell you that at the end of that round,

the gold star goes to...

Kitty's team!

After so many rounds of sporting excellence, our teams now have

one final chance to go for gold.

It's the School Run.

The School Run!

This is a relay race involving all you guys.

OK? First team to drop all their kids off at school wins.

So, teams, if you'd like to join me at the start line,

let's get ready to run!

Come on.

OK, guys, remember, the first team to drop all their children,

like these little guys...

..off at school and cross the finish line are the winners.

Richard, are you ready?

-Yes.

-Tom Craine, are you ready?

-You best believe.

-OK.

Start on school. Ready? Get your kids to school.

Three, two, one, go!

Go, go, go, go!

Here we go, here we go.

It's the first day. I imagine you're nervous.

Get in, get in, get in.

Oh, he didn't get it in straight away.

Tom's taking him. Tom's taking him.

Oh, they've crashed.

Here he comes, here he comes, here he comes. Go, go, go.

Stop, stop, stop. Olive, get going...

Stop, stop. Come on.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Oh, she's looking fastest. Looking fastest.

Right. Oh!

-Right, go on, Naomi, go on.

-Go, go, go!

Go, go, go, go, go. Go, Ed. Ed, go. Ed, go.

Go, go, go, go.

He's going to spin.

I'm going to smash!

Whoa! On two wheels.

It's so close!

It's quite close. It's quite close. It's neck and neck!

It's neck and neck! It's neck and neck!

It's neck and neck! It's neck and neck!

Who's out first?

Which means, at the end of the round,

the gold star goes to Olive's team!

And so, we stumble over the finish line of our first sports day,

but before we reach for the deodorant, let's add up the scores.

And the winners are...

Olive's team!

Congratulations to you lot.

You will go down in sporting history, kind of.

And there's a medal ceremony coming up.

For the losers, however, Kitty's team,

not only does the dog eat your homework,

but you have got detention with Mr Smash.

It's time to take the walk of shame!

# La, la, la, la-la-la... ALL: Losers!

# La, la, la, la-la-la... ALL: Losers!

# La, la, la, la-la-la... ALL: Losers!

# La, la, la, la-la-la... ALL: Losers!

# Losers! #

So, that's your lot.

As ever, we didn't learn much, but it was fun trying.

See you next time on...

ALL: The Dog Ate My Homework!

Sees ya!