Episode 12 The Dog Ate My Homework

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

DOG PANTS

BELL RINGS

GARBLED SPEECH

PTERODACTYL SCREECHES

SHARK SNAPS

WHISTLING

DRAGON ROARS

BLEEPING

OCTOPUS ROARS

DOG MUNCHES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hola, amigos!

I'm Iain Stirling, and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework

that was just a normal game show

until I sprinkled a little bit of presenter magic.

TINKLING

Actually, it's just Mr Smash's dandruff.

But if you don't tell anyone, I won't either,

so let's take the register.

On my right,

a boy whose school motto was

"Do not ever copy someone else's work."

Oddly, that's the exact same motto as the school's next door.

It's Suleman, everybody.

-Here, sir!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on Suleman's team,

a man who's been making people laugh since the day he was born.

Seriously, have you seen his baby photos? He looked hilarious.

It's Marlon Davis.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Yes, sir.

And finally on Suleman's team,

a woman who at school was the standout pupil,

in that she had to stand outside until she learnt to behave herself.

It's stand-up comedian Ellie Taylor.

-Here, sir.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And to my left,

a girl who loves to travel so much

she once brought the school play to a halt

when she stopped to admire the scenery. It's Mina!

-Here, sir.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on Mina's team,

a comedian who says he's too mature to worry about internet trolls.

Not when there's all those monsters under his bed.

It's Gareth Richards.

-Here, sir.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Also on Mina's team,

a dog who once turned down a lead role in EastEnders.

Well, if you could smell him, you'd realise that he hates soap

and he's also more of a Corrie man.

It's Hacker T Dog!

-Hello, Mum.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's hear it for the teams!

CHEERING

So, here's how the game works.

I'll just consult my Dog Ate My Homework manual.

HE CLEARS THROAT "Step one -

"unpack one handsome presenter."

Check.

"Step two - get two teams and nothing better to do today."

-Check.

-Check, yeah.

And finally, award gold stars.

Ah, yes, these gold stars.

-TINKLING AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

I'll award these for top bants,

but any lip and they will be gone, my friends,

and they ain't never coming back.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww.

You may be a-jeering, but I'm not a-hearing, no sir-ee,

cos it's Iain's school, so it's...

-AUDIENCE:

-Iain's rules!

Who's got two thumbs and a catchphrase?

This guy.

The team with the most stars at the end of the show are amazing,

while the losers face detention with a man like a winter duvet -

extra thick.

It's Mr Smash.

-HE SHOUTS AND GROWLS AUDIENCE:

-Boo!

Smashy, mate, you've got some fan mail.

HE LAUGHS

-It's from an old lady in Wales.

-Ooh!

I'll read it out, it says, "Dear Mr Smash,

"I love you so much on The Dog Ate My Homework

"I've baked you a cake."

HE LAUGHS

Take a little, a little bite, mate, nothing too much.

HE GOBBLES NOISILY

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

It says, "Although make sure

"you don't eat the one I sent the dog,

"cos that one's made of dog food."

LAUGHTER

HE GOBBLES NOISILY

Let's get on with the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This round is called Stick To The Point.

'Stick To The Point.'

I'll ask questions and if our teams are too slow,

repeat an answer or just look stupid,

then I'll put them in the shush position.

Can I see your shush positions, please?

-ALL:

-Shhh.

But first I need my magic stick of pointy-ness.

Pirouette and dab?

Yes! APPLAUSE

Lovely stuff.

The last team speaking wins and the first topic is...

things you might find down the back of your couch.

-Ellie?

-Crumbs.

Yes.

-Hacker?

-My mother.

LAUGHTER

-Suleman?

-Yes.

We're playing the game!

I know.

Oh!

Wait, wait, let me think. Dad's biscuits.

BUZZER Get in the shush position.

Get in the shush position. Gareth?

Oh, Narnia.

-LAUGHTER

-Ooh.

The back-of-the-couch Narnia, Aslan's just covered in pennies.

-Ellie?

-Remote control.

Yes, please. Hacker?

-What?

-LAUGHTER

Play the game!

Mobile phone.

BUZZER Get in the shush position.

-Stupid dog.

-LAUGHTER

-Ellie?

-A cat.

-Mina?

-Animals.

Yes. Marlon?

Dog.

-Chasing the cat.

-Yes, absolutely.

-Gareth?

Sand.

-Where is your couch?

-Sand.

-On the beach.

-On the beach.

-Ellie?

-Harmonica!

-Gareth?

-Accordion.

-Ellie?

-A bucket.

Gareth?

Canada.

LAUGHTER

-Marlon?

-Crumbs.

We've already had crumbs. BUZZER

-Shush position.

-Aw!

Gareth?

BUZZER Shush position!

It's Ellie against Mina.

It's the battle of the ladies.

Here we go. Battle of the pigtails, is that what they're called?

-Yes.

-Take her down!

-Ready, Mina?

-Oh, my God, I'm out of things.

-Ellie?

-Chewing gum.

-Mina?

-Slinky.

-Ellie?

Beanie Baby.

Iain.

Wait a second!

LAUGHTER

Ellie?

BUZZER Shush position.

Points go to Mina's team. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Gold star to Mina's team.

Next one, things you might get told off for at school.

-Gareth?

-Not doing your homework.

OK. Ellie?

-Forgetting your PE kit.

-Yes. Hacker?

Plopping in the teacher's pigeonhole.

LAUGHTER

-So many plops.

-So little time.

Ellie?

BUZZER Shush position. Gareth?

Pointing at a library book.

Marlon?

BUZZER Shush position.

Mina?

Telling the teacher off by the headteacher for no reason.

OK. Suleman?

-Weeing on the floor.

-Weeing on the floor, that's a bad one.

-Hacker?

-Licking the deputy's knee.

LAUGHTER

-Suleman?

-Eating a cake.

-Yes. Gareth?

-Um...

BUZZER Shush position.

-Suleman?

-Drinking fizzy drinks.

Oh, yes. Hacker?

-Oh, I don't know.

-BUZZER

-Suleman?

-Belly dancing.

For a bonus gold star,

can we have an example from everyone on your team?

All right. All right, this is how it goes.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

-Lovely.

-That's really good!

-Bonus gold star to Suleman's team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Mina?

-Good work.

Singing on your loudest voice to annoy the teachers.

-Suleman?

-Telling the teacher off.

Oh, we've had telling off teachers, Suleman,

so shush position. BUZZER

which means the gold star goes to Mina's team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

One more - things that have spots.

Marlon?

-Caterpillars.

-Yeah! Hacker?

Dice.

IAIN LAUGHS That's actually weirdly clever

-for you.

-Thank you.

-Ellie?

-Teenagers.

-Yes!

Stinky, stinky teenagers. Gareth?

-Leopards.

-Yes. Suleman?

My friend who has freckles.

Yes. Mina?

Hacker.

-SULEMAN:

-I guess he has spots on his shirt.

-Where are your spots?

Under me fur.

I'll show you during the break.

I'm all right, thank you.

Marlon?

-Mushrooms.

-Yes. Gareth?

BUZZER Shush position. Ellie?

-Dalmatians.

-Yes. Mina?

-Cats.

-Yes. Marlon?

BUZZER Shush position, please. Hacker?

-Chickenpox victims.

-LAUGHTER

You didn't need the word victims.

-I thought it added to it.

-It didn't. Suleman?

-Spotty tie.

-Yes. Mina?

-Diaries.

-Yes. Ellie?

Itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini.

Oh! Bonus gold star, as well, for the outdated '80s reference.

ELLIE LAUGHS

-Mina?

-Homework.

Sometimes. Suleman?

You know that spotty grid, which you get?

-Like they give you that spotty grid?

-Yeah. Yeah.

-That.

Yeah. No, I don't, shush position. BUZZER

-OK.

-Come on!

Hacker the Dog.

-Dominoes.

-Thank you.

Ellie?

-This desk.

-Yes. Mina?

-My dad.

-SHE GIGGLES

There's no way of disproving it.

Do you want to just wave at camera one and say hello to the camera.

Say "Hello, Dad," say, "Hello, spotty Dad."

Hello, spotty Dad.

LAUGHTER There you go.

-Ellie?

-Some curtains.

-Hacker?

-Scarf, a scarf.

-Ellie?

-Shirt.

-Mina?

-Calculator.

-Ellie?

-What?

It's got spots on it.

-Decimal point.

-Decimal point.

Oh, I take it back, that's ingenious.

BUZZER The gold star goes to Mina's team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BELL RINGS

That's the school bell. And at the end of that round,

the gold star goes to...

-Mina's team!

-Wow, well done.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done.

Time, now, for a round we call...

'Judge A Book.'

We'll show you an actual real-life book with some of the title missing.

All you guys have to do is guess

what the book is actually called, OK?

This is our first book cover, here.

OK, here's the title.

"Why blank blank."

'School disco.' 'Suleman's team.'

School disco!

# Take a sip of my secret potion

# I'll make you fall in love

# For a spell that can't be broken

# One drop should be enough

# Boy, you belong to me

# I got the recipe

# And it's called black magic

# And it's called black magic. #

Suleman, you buzzed in, what is your answer?

Why blank blank.

-Why Cats Fish.

-Why Cats Fish?

-Yeah.

-Oh, "Cats" is right.

Yeah, that's a cat in the water.

-I don't think it is.

-Oh, I know! Press the button.

-'Mina's team.'

-Hacker?

Why Cats Paint.

Why Cats Paint.

-Let's have a look, see if you're right.

-Why Cats Paint.

Yes, you are! APPLAUSE

You can tell he's feline fine. Hey?

SCATTERED LAUGHTER

-Do you see?

-He's feline fine!

-Purrfect.

Next book, this is the cover.

OK, and this is the title.

'Suleman's team.'

"Blank In blank," Suleman's team.

Zip In Fish.

Zip In Fish?

-Don't put a zip in a fish.

-That looks like a fish, though.

It does look like a fish. That's not correct. Anyone?

-Buzz in.

-'Suleman's team.'

-Suleman's team.

-Don't Go In There.

-LAUGHTER

Do Not Go In There.

-'Mina's team.'

-Mina's team.

-Faces In Clothes.

-Oh!

-'Suleman's team.'

-Wait.

-"Faces" I think is right, it is faces.

-Oh, zips!

-What?

-Faces In Zips.

-No!

-'Mina's team.'

-Hacker?

-Faces In Nature.

-LAUGHTER

That is the closest we've had.

-'Suleman's team.'

-Faces In Fashion.

No. It rhymes, it rhymes, it rhymes.

-Passion?

-No, it rhymes with faces.

-'Mina's team.'

-Faces In Spaces.

-No!

-I know!

-'Mina's team.'

-Faces In Places.

Is it Faces In Places?

It's...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, final cover, here we go.

Book cover here, and the title is blank blank.

-Blank blank.

-'Suleman's team.'

-Suleman's team.

How did he get up there?

LAUGHTER

-We don't know.

-I know!

-'Mina's team.'

-Mina's team.

High Ironing.

High Ironing!

-'Mina's team.'

-Mina's team.

Extreme Ironing.

Is...

the correct answer!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BELL RINGS

Oh, that's the bell.

And the winner at the end of that round

and getting themselves a gold star

is Mina's team! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's time for Pie The Supply.

'Pie The Supply.'

We're about to meet four people all claiming to be supply teachers,

but three of them are pretending.

Personally, I'd pretend to be, like, an astronaut or James Bond,

but no, these guys are pretending to be supply teachers -

weird.

Our teams have to decide who's telling the truth,

and then pie the supply.

And there they are, our tech teachers.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-There they are.

OK, teacher number one is Mr Aitken,

teacher number two is Mr Flynn,

teacher number three is Ms Dadge

and teacher number four is Ms McKenna.

OK, Suleman's team, first impressions.

You're looking at them, they're all beautiful in their own special way,

but who has the air of a teacher about them?

-Number one looks a bit caj.

-Bit caj.

He looks like he's panicked

and gone, "I've got to dress like a teacher. Oh, God!

"What, is this a tie? That'll do."

Number three looks like she's having a good Sunday morning.

-Yeah.

-She looks quite relaxed to me.

Number two, I think, is still in school.

LAUGHTER

And I think number four looks quite...

I think number three and number four look very professional.

Mina's team, first impressions, what are you thinking?

Well, number one's too short.

LAUGHTER Too short?!

Oh, mate, you're having an absolute nightmare.

-Is your school like Alton Towers - there's a height limit?

-Yeah!

Number one's going home to take off his tie and put on some platforms.

-LAUGHTER

-But being...

He would be closer to the benches, though, for teaching tech,

closer to the saws and stuff, that might be good.

Oh, yeah, they're all tech teachers, that is a good point.

I think it's either number two or number four.

-OK, well...

-I think number four's got a supply teachery blouse on.

You own a blouse like that, don't you?

I've got a lovely blouse like that. Is that puce?

Let's ask some questions. Suleman's team, ask away.

Well, are you a supply teacher?

LAUGHTER

-HACKER:

-I mean, fair on you for trying.

Right, your turn.

-Suleman I'm going to give you a gold star for that.

-Yes!

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

-Yes.

Right, Marlon and Ellie, have you got any questions for our teachers?

-The tech teachers.

-Can we ask them, like, a technical question?

-Yes, of course you can.

-So, if you're a tech teacher...

-Yes.

-..what is your favourite saw, number one?

Um...

Favourite saw, I don't have a favourite saw.

-HACKER:

-Everyone's got a favourite saw!

No, like, number one's like, "Saws are like children,

"you can't have a favourite, you know?"

-Number two?

-You can't have a favourite.

Oh!

-Three?

-Hack.

Classic, straight to it. Number four?

-I'd go with a coping saw.

-Coping saw?

I've never even heard of that!

What about Mina's team? You got any questions?

-Gareth?

-OK, so if I was talking in your class,

whose time would I be wasting?

I'll start with number three.

Your own.

-Correct.

-That is good actually.

-That's the correct answer.

-Ooh.

That is good, that is good.

I've got a question for everyone.

Who is the bell for? Number one?

The bell is not for you, it's for me.

-Oh!

-That was good as well.

That was very good. Any questions, Hacks?

I know you'll have some insightful things to say.

Well, I think if you angle the pie, you can get all of them.

LAUGHTER

Save playing the game.

Marlon, any questions for our teachers?

It's about measuring. What's your favourite measurement?

-Favourite measurement.

-Yeah.

We'll go for number two, favourite measurement?

When you've built a spice rack,

because it needs to be correct and it needs to be right,

so the measurements must be correct.

So his favourite measurement is a spice rack.

-LAUGHTER

-A spice rack!

-It's brilliant.

-That's a brilliant answer.

-Number four?

-Well, it's only ever millimetres if you're using technical.

-Yeah?

Oh, you are getting... You are heading for a pie, young lady.

Right, number one?

Three eighths of an inch.

IAIN LAUGHS Three eighths of an inch.

"I taught school back in 1975."

LAUGHTER

-Number three?

-Measure twice, cut once.

I mean, none of you have answered that question at all.

Right, audience, you've heard your questions,

you've seen them with your first impressions,

who do you think is a real tech teacher?

I want you to vote now using your vocal cords.

On the count of three - one, two, three, vote away.

AUDIENCE SHOUT

OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.

Right, it looked like two and four were very popular.

-Suleman, have you decided who you're going to pie?

-Yeah.

Then, please, it's your chance to Pie The Supply!

'Pie The Supply.'

-Here we go. ELLIE:

-Woo!

-All right. Thank you.

-Ooh.

Here we go. Oooh. Gently, Suleman. Gently, Suleman.

-Oh, my goodness!

-Ooh!

Bend down, please.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Wow!

-HACKER:

-Good contact.

-There was no mucking about.

Mina, you've seen what Suleman done,

it's now your turn to Pie The Supply!

'Pie The Supply.'

-ELLIE:

-Go on, Mina.

-HACKER:

-Who's she thinking, who's she thinking?

Who are you thinking, Mina?

Gently, gently, gently, catchee monkey, don't forget.

Ooh.

OK, here we go.

-ALL:

-Oooh!

Yes!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, Mina!

Oh, my goodness!

Did he spit it in your face?

Number two, you got a little tiny bit on Mina.

LAUGHTER Look at her!

Right, I hope it's two or three,

cos if it's not two or three, this is embarrassing.

OK, would the real teacher please step forward?

No!

APPLAUSE

Two and three, what do you actually do?

-I work in my local supermarket.

-LAUGHTER

At the bakery section, hopefully.

What do you sell, spice racks? LAUGHTER

-Number three, what do you do, very quickly?

-I'm a sales executive.

LAUGHTER Brilliant!

She's got a proper job!

And at the end of that round, none of you got it right,

so neither of you get a gold star.

-HACKER:

-Never!

-APPLAUSE

It's time for Smarty Pants.

'Smarty Pants.'

Oh. Ugh.

Oh, no. Ugh.

Do I really have to take them? Give them here.

Oh. Do I...?

I don't know why he's done that - weird.

OK, I'll ask questions where each answer is a number.

All the teams have to do is fill their pants...

Not like that!

Get your minds out the gutter.

..with the same number of these foamy disc things.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

-Yes, they're lovely, aren't they?

So, Suleman's team, who's putting on the pants?

-Ellie.

-Ellie's putting on the pants.

OK, and Mina's team,

who are you going with - Gareth or Hacker the Dog?

-I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll play this.

-Gareth.

-Thanks.

-LAUGHTER

OK, so Gareth and Ellie, please come over here.

I've got you your - look at these - your lovely big pants.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-There you go, Ellie.

They look a bit small to me.

-That looks like a washing basket.

-They're a size eight.

Perfect.

OK, let's play Smarty Pants!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, everyone's in position.

Gareth, how are you feeling about having your nice big pants on?

Really good. And just to make it more interesting, as well,

I really need a wee.

Oh, wow. Ellie, how are you feeling?

So excited.

OK, your time starts...

-What was that?

-I did a... Ooh, and it hit a bit.

-Oh, yeah, don't worry about it, it's fine.

-Thanks, Iain.

Your time starts when I ask the first question.

You must get the little disky things,

put them in your pants, bring them back.

The closest to the right answer gets themselves a gold star.

OK, time starts after the first question and your first question is

how many stars are on the Australia flag?

How many stars are on the Australia flag?

Cheer them on, come on!

-CHEERING

-What is it?

-Ten!

-Go on!

How many? Cheer. Help them out.

Help them out, help them out.

Come on!

Go on, go on, go on, go on!

-SULEMAN:

-Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

BUZZER

CHEERING

Next question, "twain" is an old English word

-for which number?

-What is?

"Twain" is an old English word for what number?

-Two?

-Gareth's straight down!

-Two, two!

-Gareth's straight down!

-Two! Two!

-Gareth's straight down!

-Two!

-It's two!

-Two!

-Two, two, two, two!

-Come on! Come on!

Two, two.

BUZZER Yes!

OK, next.

To the nearest mile,

how many miles are in a half marathon?

Come on!

CHEERING

A half marathon.

A half marathon, half marathon.

Take less, take less and win the point

or go for the right answer.

-What are you doing?

-Ellie, Ellie, Ellie!

You can use the bum, you can use the behind.

You can use the behind.

Come on!

-Come on! Come on!

-Come on!

-Get them in there!

-It's going to fall out!

Oh, no!

Yes! No, that's cheating, cheater!

They've got to empty them out.

They've got to empty them out.

You've got to empty it out, you've got to empty it out!

No, one fell! One fell! One fell!

One fell!

BUZZER Oh!

What number rotated 90 degrees is the symbol for infinity?

She's got his pants!

She's got his pants!

AUDIENCE BOO

Go, go, go!

Go on, go on.

-What is it?

-I don't know! Just go!

What number rotated 90 degrees is infinity?

Oh!

Get them empty, get them emptied out!

Get them emptied out!

Quickly!

Quick!

BUZZER

How many rooms are in the game Cluedo?

-Seven.

-Seven!

-Seven!

-Seven!

Seven!

Seven-ish.

CHEERING

Come on, Gareth!

Seven!

Seven!

Go, go, go, go!

Get them emptied out!

Get them emptied out!

CHEERING

BUZZER

BELL RINGS

OK, time's up.

So we'll add up the answers together and find out the total.

The total should be 38, so let's see how close our teams got.

I'm going to start with you, Ellie.

I'm coming down.

-38.

-38, right.

-So whoever gets the nearest wins.

-How do you feel?

-I think OK.

There may have been a couple I didn't get quite the right number.

OK, 38, here we go. One, two, three, four, five...

..33, 34, 35, 36.

-36!

-36!

It's close, it's good. APPLAUSE

So, you're two off.

-Gareth, you need to be within one of 38 to win.

-Agh!

How are you feeling?

-Not good.

-LAUGHTER

-Do you feel fit?

-No.

-LAUGHTER

Here we go.

-AUDIENCE:

-One, two, three, four, five...

..33, 34, 35, 36!

It's a draw!

-36!

-And after...

-Let's do it again!

-LAUGHTER

-Let's do it again!

Let's not do it again, I don't think Ellie or you would survive.

After all that effort, it's a draw, so you both get the gold star!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now all we have to do is add up the scores.

Let's see those stars.

-TINKLING AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

And the winner is...

Suleman's team!

CHEERING

How? How?

I thought we... Yes!

Congratulations, you lot,

you can throw your hands up in the air like you just don't care.

Meanwhile, Mina's team,

not only is the dog going to eat your homework,

but you've now got to have detention with Mr Smash.

It's time to do the walk of shame.

-Oh!

-Aw!

# La, la, la, la-la-la Losers!

# La, la, la, la-la-la Losers!

# La, la, la, la-la-la Losers!

# La, la, la, la-la-la Losers!

# La, la, la, la-la-la Losers!

# Losers! #

So that's your lot.

As ever, we probably didn't learn much, but it was fun trying.

See you all next time on...

The Dog Ate My Homework!

Sees ya!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

WHOOSH!

CHEERING