27/03/2012 Walk on the Wild Side

DOLPHINS CHEER

Is this CBBC? Are you filming me? Hey, guys! Look!

We're on telly! All right, mum?

Hey-hey! Do you want my autograph?

Ha-ha-ha! Too late, losers.

-So what do you reckon it is, Mylo?

-I don't know, Sebastian.

What have you been rolling in?

# I think it's poo-oo-oo-oo-oo

# He thinks it's poo-oo-oo

BOTH TO DOCTOR WHO THEME: # Poo poo poo, poo poo-poo-oo. #

Oh, it's hot today. Are you hot? You look hot.

-Yeah, it's quite warm, yeah.

-Yeah, but are you hot, though?

-Uh, a bit, I suppose.

-Yeah, yeah.

-But are you hot?

-All right, I'm hot.

-You're a hot dog, then.

-All right, I'm a hot dog.

-Here you are, have some ketchup!

-That's disgusting, Colin! Eugh!

-All right, touchy! Just a giggle.

Hot dog! Ha-ha! Ketchup!

Oh! Marvin and Phil are back from Corfu!

Oof, you all right, Marv?

No, Joan. Forgot the sunblock.

Got burnt. Ow.

You are going to need a shed load of after sun, mate.

-Ow!

-I did warn him.

As you can see, I have bronzed beautifully.

Night time...

..day time!

Night time...

..day time!

Night time...

..day time!

-What are you doing?

-I'm having a game of night time...

..day time!

-Oh. How do you play that, then?

-Night time...

-..day time! Like this! You wanna play?

-No, you're all right.

I'll stick to my Xbox.

OK, children. One at a time and no running. Right.

-Anita, Michael, Wendy.

-Yes, Miss.

Daniel, Johnny, Lindsey, Phillip, Fiona, Kirsty, Dennis,

Deborah, Sandra, Jason, Stephen, Colin,

-Ruby, Zack, Liam.

-Yeah.

Serita, Amy, Megan, Adam, Jason,

Angela, Shelly, Helen, Alan, Hillary,

Dionne, Zara, Ollie, Marne, Joseph, Tina, Louise,

Millie, Martha, Michael, Duncan, Daisy,

-Paul, Tanya, Dean, Nicky, Mike, Tanya, Andre, Julian.

-Yes, Miss.

David, Anna, Suzie, Steph, Chris, Eamon, Rowena, Caroline,

-Kelly, Asghar, Jessica, Carmen, Tom.

-Mm-hmm.

Andrew, Lisa, Angus, Ralph, Martin, Oscar,

-Annamarie and Olivia. Right, where's Tallulah?

-She's sick, miss.

Well, she'd better not be at Latitude!

TO THE THEME OF DOCTOR WHO: # Poo poo poo

# Poo-poo-poo poo-poo-poo

-# I think it is poo. #

-# Poo-poo-poo. #

Actually, I rather hope it isn't poo.

SONG: "Wanna be Startin' Somethin'" by Michael Jackson

# Startin' somethin'

# Startin' somethin'

# Startin' somethin'

# Startin' somethin'

# Yeah, yeah

# Yeah, yeah.

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. #

Five, six, seven, eight, nine, 99, 100. Coming, ready or not.

-99, 100. Coming, ready or not.

-Eh?

-Eh?

-What? What's going on?

-Hang on. Who's hiding, who's seeking?

-I'm seeking!

-I'm seeking.

ALL: I'm seeking! I said I'm seeking!

-I'm hiding.

-Hang on. Who's got the rules?

-Rules?

-You don't need rules for hide and seek!

-You do. This is a shambles.

I didn't think we'd need them so I put them in the recycling! Ha-ha-ha!

Look, one person seeks and everyone else hides. Got it?

-Stop shouting!

-You stop shouting!

I'm only shouting cos you're shouting!

CAN WE ALL STOP SHOUTING, PLEASE?

Right. If everyone's going to shout, I'm off.

Hang on, I'm still hiding. Are we still playing or what?

MUFFLED SPEECH: So like the Great Houdini,

I will dangle high in the sky from a single brunch.

I will eat nothing, I will drink nothing. I will simply hang.

This is more than an illusion.

More than magic. This is genuine magic.

No-one has ever done anything like this before.

-Hello, David. How's it hanging?

-All right, Robert?

AARGH! AAAH! CRASH

Oof. Oh, dear.

Oh, no. you idiot. Oh, this is very embarrassing. Argh.

HEAVY ROCK INTRO

All right? What you lookin' at?

Why don't you take a picture, it'll last longer.

Hey, I was watching that Night Garden the other day

on that little kiddywink channel, right?

As far as I can make out, there's this little blue fella,

Igglepiggle, who has got no mates.

And he gets in a boat.

When he gets there it's all,

"Oopsydaisy, Makka Pakka, Racca Whacca,

"Ninky Nonk, Pinky Poo, Haahoo, Tombliboo, knock on the door."

It's proper lovely. Brilliant show.

-Mr Claus!

-Mr Claus!

Where are you?

Whose stupid idea was it to bury him?

-It's just a bit of fun.

-We are never going to find him.

-How long has it been now?

-Three hours.

BOTH: Three hours?

Santa, it's Blitzen. If you can hear me, say, "Jingle bells."

Mrs Claus will kill us. This is worse than when we shaved his beard off.

HE GIGGLES

-That was a laugh though, wasn't it?

-It was. Yeah, yeah.

-Hey, Anna. Have you tried that new toothpaste?

-Yeah. It's 'orrible.

Are you sure it's not bubble bath?

Of course not. Norma, have you tried that new toothpaste?

It's disgusting! It's made my gums go numb. I've lost control of my lips.

I think it's nice. Minty fresh.

What's your name and where do you come from?

-My name's Ian the bear and I'm from King's Lynn.

-OK.

And what are you going to sing for us today?

I'd like to sing Angels by Robbie Williams.

-OK. Go ahead.

-CLEARS THROAT

OK. Here we go. The mic's a bit high.

# And through it all she offers me protection.

# A little love and... #

-MIC FEEDS BACK Aw, I've done it now.

-Next.

Phew. Hot again today. You still hot? You look hot.

-I won't fall for that again, Colin.

-You look hot. You must be hot.

I told you, I'm not falling for that again.

-You still look hot, though.

-You must think I'm a right doughnut.

You're a doughnut? Here you are, have some jam, then.

Eugh! You're disgusting, Colin. I'm off.

All right, Mr Touchy. It's only a giggle.

-Aargh.

-Doughnut!

HE GIGGLES Jam.

Oi, oi! Got a trick for you.

I will prove that zebras have nothing between their ears.

Here we go. Abracadabra. Hocus pocus, et cetera.

-DRUM ROLL

-Ta-da!

# Rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit Yup yup rabbit yup rabbit

# Rabbit bunny jabber yup rabbit bunny yup yup rabbit bunny jabber yup

# Yup yup rabbit yup yup yup jabber rabbit. #

# He's big and he's brave and he's not feeble. Andy... #

The unflappable eagle.

One thing I'm not afraid of is goats.

No-one ever said, "Andy the eagle's afraid of goats." No, sirree.

-Goats don't bother me none.

-BOO!

-AARGH!

-Sorry, Andy!

I forgot you were afraid of goats!

No, you just surprised me, that's all.

SIGH Here he is. Jumping Justin.

Good day to you, boys.

"Look at me, I'm jumping Justin. See how I prance, what-what?"

It's called style, Leonard. Style. And you're a savage.

-"Oh! I'm jumping Justin."

-"No, I'm jumping Justin."

-"I'm jumping Justin!"

-"I'm jumping Justin!"

No, I'm jumping Justin.

-You're all fools. Goodbye.

-ALL: Oooh!

-He is cool, though.

-Yeah, nice moves.

-I follow him on Twitter.

-Yeah, me too.

-Hang on. Weren't you here before?

-No.

-My name is not Ian the bear and I'm not from King's Lynn.

-OK, then.

Who would you say you're most like?

-I see myself as Lady Gaga.

-All right.

-Best of luck.

-All right. Here we go.

CLEARS THROAT

Still a bit high.

# Raa-raa raah-aah

# Roma ma-aah-ah. #

Ow! HE SHOUTS

Next.

Mm. Ooh! Oh, this is lovely! What did I tell you?

"Don't drink the water!"

Your granddad's talking rubbish, it's beautiful!

What about the curse?

Curse shmurse. Nothing wrong with it.

SPOOKY VOICE: Do not drink the water!

Where did that come from? Leg it!

Let's go, Pete! It's the curse! The curse of the frozen monkey!

Stuff the curse! This is lovely! Drink some!

-HE WHIMPERS

-The curse, Pete, the curse!

Drink and be happy.

What's the worst that can happen?

Mike? Mike? I can't feel me face.

Is it moving? Is it moving? I can't move it!

I can see and hear but I can't move. I think I've lost my sense of smell.

BREAKS WIND

Oh, no. the smell's still working.

I wish I could turn my face away from that.

-HE GROANS

-That is lethal.

-Aa-aa-aa-aa-aah sticky tongue!

-Ew.

A-ha! Sorry, Charlie, my sticky's gone.

Better get that looked at.

Who's this here then, eh? Whose little head is that, eh?

Whose little head is getting a nibble, eh?

Whose little shoulder is that, eh? Aww, whose little chest is that?

Whose little... give me a little nibble there.

Whose little wing is this, eh?

Coochie-coochie-coochie-coo! Whose...

Mine!

It's mine, Mum.

-I was only messing about, son.

-I'm 23!

Ah, this is the spot, peace and quiet. All on my lonesome.

No one around, life is good.

-Hello!

-Oh no, who's this?

-Who's this?

-I just said that.

-I just said that.

-What are you doing?

-What are you doing?

-Are you copying me?

-Are you copying me?

-Will you stop it?

-Will you stop it?

-Oh, you're so annoying!

Yes, I am annoying mirror bird. What you do, I do.

Where you go, I go. Hang on, where did he go?

# Its Tony, Tony, The Easily Impressed Chimpanzee. #

Wow.

Oh my word.

That is amazing.

Wow. Sheila, Sheila, come and have a look at this.

What is it?

There's this massive round yellow ball of fire in the air.

Oh, Tony, that's just the sun.

The sun. Wow. Wow.

The sun. Awesome.

SINGING ALONG TO HEADPHONES

Oh, Dave. Dave, take your headphones out, mate. I'm stuck.

Dave. Dave, take your headphones... Dave, I'm stuck!

Dave. Dave! I've got my fingers stuck in the dung! Dave!

HE SINGS LOUDER

-Dave! Dave, I'm stuck! Dave! Dave!

-Dave!

-Dave, I'm stuck!

David! I don't believe this. Can you not hear me?

David! David, David!

Dave, Dave, Dave!

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock.

What you doing?

Tick. I'm Clockwork Orange monkey. Tock.

All right, What time's it then?

-Tick.

-At the third swing it will be... Tock. Ape o'clock precisely.

Tick!

And they're off! Away first time in this year's Crab Grand National.

Sideways Glance shows early followed by Nipping Boy,

then Giving It All That then Delicious Steamed and then Pincer Movement.

We have Crusty Crustacean and Soon To Be Paste,

and I'm Not a Lobster Nor Do I Taste Like One is bringing up the back of the field.

Giving It All That takes over from Sideways Glance

and Nipping Boy is clawing his way back. What's this?

I'm Not A Hermit and I'm Actually Quite Outgoing is coming out of his shell nicely.

Just two furlongs to go and it's Giving It All That

followed by Nipping Boy. Delicious Dean, Crusty Crustacean almost fell there.

Pincer Movement a little bit shellfish and as

we go into the home stretch it's Nipping Boy, Giving It All That

then Crusty Crustacean then I'm Not a Hermit I'm Actually Quite Outgoing

making a scuttle from the back of the field. But it's Nipping boy,

followed by Pincer Movement. Nipping Boy takes it by a claw!

MUSIC: "Chop Suey" by System of a Down

Wait for it. Wait. It's coming up. It's coming up!

Now!

LOUD MUSIC PLAYS

It hurts a bit!

Dougie, can I have a wee go on your echo chamber botty?

-No, you cannae, Duncan.

-Ach, please, it's a right laugh.

ECHOES

See? Your botty agrees with me.

ECHOES

Show some respect. Dinnae draw attention to my botty defect, Duncan.

-It's embarrassing.

-It's not embarrassing, Dougie.

You should be proud of a talking botty.

ECHOES

HE BEATBOXES

# He's big and he's brave and he's not feeble -

-Andy,

-The Unflappable Eagle. #

One thing I am not afraid of is ghosts.

No-one ever said Andy the Eagle's afraid of ghosts. No sirree.

Spend the night in a haunted house, no problem. Ghosts don't bother me.

GHOSTLY HOWL

-Argh!

-Oh, sorry, Andy! I forgot you were afraid of ghosts!

You just caught me unawares, that's all!

Excuse me, mate, I think you're in my stand.

-Just stand somewhere else, mate.

-No, look, I've reserved this space here.

-Could you move on?

-No, I'm not moving, you move.

-What, you going to move or not?

-Not.

-Right, that's it.

-Get off!

-Just move, will you?

-You move.

-You move.

-You move.

-Move!

-You move.

-Move!

-You move.

-Move.

-Move.

-Move.

-No.

-Move.

-No.

-Move.

-No.

-Move, move, move, move.

-No, no, no, no.

-Oh, forget it!

-No.

# Shrew, shrew, shrew, going to do shrew conga

# Shrew, shrew, shrew, along the forest floor. #

Come on, quick! We're going to miss it.

I love it when they do a shrew conga!

# Shrew, shrew, shrew, along the forest floor

# Shrew, shrew, shrew, come on and do shrew conga

# Shrew, shrew, shrew, it's shrew conga night for sure. #

Oh, alone at last. Joanna, I love you so much.

You're not just saying that because there's no one around?

I don't care who's around, I can't hold my feelings for you any longer.

-Oh, Jason.

-Oh, Joanna.

All right, Jace. What's she doing here?

-You're not going out with a girl, are you?

-No!

-I am, really, Joanna.

-Oh, smelly old girls, eh?

Yeah, Smelly girls. I love you really.

-Aw, I love you too, bro.

-You are so dumped!

MUSIC: "Little Green Bag" by George Baker Selection

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

-Do you know what?

-I'll leave it actually.

-New coat and everything.

See you lot later.

Ah, this looks like the place. Finally get a bit of me time.

-Hello.

-Oh, no, not you again.

-Oh, no, not you again.

-Oh, just go away.

-Oh, just go away.

-Leave me alone!

-Leave me alone.

-Grow up!

-Grow up.

-Stop it!

-Stop it.

-Oh, you're so annoying!

Yes, I am annoying mirror bird. What you say, I say.

What you do, I do. Where you go, I go.

Oh, he's gone again.

Cu...

ckoo.

Cu...

ckoo.

Not Clockwork Orange monkey any more then?

Cu... No, I'm Cuckoo Clockwork Orange monkey now. ...Ckoo!

Still ape o'clock, I suppose?

Cu... No, it's half ape.

Give me strength.

...Ckoo!

Hello, hello.

Hello, you're a bit close to that telly box, aren't you?

-Oh, dear.

-You should really sit further back, you know.

Yes, It's bad for your eyes. We don't have a telly box

but if we did, we wouldn't sit that close.

No, if we had a telly box we would sit much further back.

-OK, lecture over. Cheerio.

-Cheerio.

-Toodle-pip.

-Bye.

Help! A little help! Help!

Just hang on, they said. We'll be back in a minute, they said.

That was four days ago. Four days! I'm starving! I am proper stuck.

Where are they?

Alfie, Oliver!

And then George goes, "You've totally bamboo-zled me!"

Classic George. Hang on, have you seen him lately?

No, not for at least four days. Weren't we supposed to...

Oh, rescue him! From that tree again.

It was definitely your turn to rescue him this time.

It was yours, Oliver.

-You silly bear!

-No, no, it was yours.

-It was yours!

-No, no.

-What are you like?

Look, it was yours, all right.

-Do you even remember where that tree was?

-What are we like?

George!

Alfie! Oliver.

Anyone. I really need the toilet.

Whose special day is this then, eh?

Who's Mummy's special little birthday boy, eh?

Who's a big boy now, eh? Who's another year older, eh?

Who's having jelly and ice cream, eh?

Who's going to make a special birthday wish, eh?

Who's going to blow out all his candles in one go?

Coochie-coochie-coochie-coo. Who's the...

Me!

I'm the birthday boy, Mum!

I was only messing about, son.

I'm 24. Today.

I'm fine, how are you?

ECHOES

Dougie, I've just had a conversation with your talking botty.

ECHOES

It's actually more polite than you!

Aye, very funny. If you move in a wee bit closer,

you can change the pitch and everything.

Go on, get right in there.

HE BREAKS WIND

-Echo that.

-Ach, Dougie. That's gone right up my trunk!

ECHOES

All right? What you staring at? You want some? Getcha.

I was watching that Deadly 60 the other day with that Steve Backshall.

Seen him? Running around after animals who claim they're hard.

He should show his little face round here, tell you. I'll show him

what's deadly. It's all like

scary spiders, don't touch that, poisonous snakes, terrible tigers,

jumping jellyfish, there's no antidote, lions that can fly!

Brilliant. Should win an award. BAFTA.

# It's Tony, Tony, The Easily Impressed Chimpanzee. #

Wow.

Oh, my word. That is amazing!

Wow.

Sheila. Sheila, come and have a look at this.

-What now?

-Sheila, it's amazing! There's all this blue.

Blue everywhere. It's like the sea but upside-down.

-Tony, that's just the sky.

-The sky.

Wow. Sky, wow. That is well nang.

LAUGHING

-Guys, guys, I can't keep doing it.

-It's so funny!

-It's hilarious.

All right, all right, once more, once more. You ready, yeah?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah!

OK, OK.

LAUGHTER

Picture the scene, yeah?

This horse, right...

Walks into a bar,

goes up to the barman, who says,

bold as brass,

"Why the long face?"

"Why the long face!"

Can you come inside and wash your hands now, please, Cristiano?

-Mum, can't Jamie stay for dinner?

-No, it's time for Jamie to go home.

-Oh, Mum, please!

-I said no!

-Jamie's mum lets him stay out.

-I'm not Jamie's mum, am I?

Jamie, come here, please. I said, go home!

Now, you - bath, now.

Axe me question, I tell you no lie.

Axe me no question, I play you music.

SNORING

BREAKS WIND

Huh? I think I got away with that one.

Ooh! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! Hoo-hoo-hoo!

-There's something tickling my feet!

-There's nothing there, Wendy.

Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Ha-ha-ha!

Ah, I can't take this. I'm off! See you!

That was weird.

Oh, I'm feeling...

Feeling a bit run down.

I'll point you backup, mate!

WHIRRING

Oh, yeah! Much better!

-Thanks, Harry.

-No worries, mate.

Oh, I'm starving! Where are me crackers?

Have you seen our crackers anywhere, our Clive?

I've be looking for them meself. Have you seen our crackers, our kid?

No, I can't find them anywhere and I'm STARVING!

Have you seen our crackers, our Graham?

Erm, no.

ALL: Oh, Graham!

What?

# Shake, shake, shake

# Shake, shake, shake... #

Hey, Maureen, come and have a look at this!

Whoa, shake that booty!

# Shake, shake, shake... #

I'm all of a flutter! Ahh!

Who have we here?

Hello, gorgeous!

-All right?

-Check out his tail!

# Shake your booty!

# Shake your booty! #

# He's big and his brave And he's not feeble

-# Andy... #

-The unflappable eagle!

One thing I am not afraid of is boats.

No-one ever said old Andy the eagle's afraid of boats, no sirree!

If I need to get across...

FOGHORN HONKS

Oh, sorry, Andy! I forgot you were afraid of boats.

-No, I just didn't see you, that's all.

-Oh!

-I loved it! Let's do it again. Can we do it again?

-Yeah.

-When we do it again?

-Wait.

-Let's do it!

-Wait.

-When do we do it?

Wait, it's coming up. It's coming up NOW!

-ROCK MUSIC PLAYING

-Whoa, love it!

-YEAH!

-YOU ROCK!

-Oh, thanks!

Night-time...

Daytime!

Night-time...

Daytime!

Night-time...

Daytime!

-Oh, not bored of that then?

-Never! Night-time...

-Daytime!

-Ohh.

So, what you do at night?

Night-time...

Bedtime!

Night-time...

Bedtime!

Do you know how annoying that is?

But night-time...

Bedtime.

No way!

They've electrified the grass again! Ow! Ow!

Why do they do this? Why can't you lot feel it?

AHH! 1,000 volts shooting from me hooves!

Mum, is the grass really electrified?

Ow! Ow! Ow!

No, he's just a bit bonkers, dear.

I'm like a four-legged lightning rod! Ow!

Wait, I forgot about my leg. But the grass is electrified! Ow!

Why are you doing this to me? Wah!

# Doo-doo-doo

# The caterpillar conga

# Choo-choo-choo

# I'm on the desert floor

# Doo-doo-doo

# The caterpillar conga... #

Oh, I love this! Can I join in?

No, it's caterpillars only! No ants!

# ..the caterpillar conga

# Choo-choo-choo

# It's the caterpillar conga for sure. #

-Hello!

-Hello, are you still watching that telly-box?

You're not doing your homework.

Oh, dear, you should be doing your homework by now.

We don't have homework but if we did we'd be doing it.

Top of the class! Gold star's all-round!

-We wouldn't be watching that telly-box.

-OK, lecture over.

-Cheerio!

-Cheerio!

-Fare thee well!

-Bye.

All right, Chief? Word to the wise.

It's tough round here so you've got to gain respect.

It's about how you present yourself. You've got to look TOUGH!

When people see me on the street they know not to mess. I'm menacing.

What you need is a proper tough walk.

MAMBO MUSIC

Be lucky!

MAMBO MUSIC

Be lucky!

MAMBO MUSIC

Be lucky!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd