Lapland Being Eileen

'Hello, ladies and gentlemen. I'm your captain today and it's...'

I can't think of the last big plane crash. Can you, Eileen?

'My colleague on the flight deck...'

You hear about ones in Russia or China

but they don't really count, do they?

See, I like a big plane crash before I fly.

Then you think, less chance of us being annihilated.

-TANNOY:

-'To Gate 55. This is the final call for...'

-Come on!

-'..Peter Lewis, Amanda Lewis, Melissa Lewis...'

It has to be the furthest one away, doesn't it!? Ethan, hurry up, lad!

'..and Ethan Lewis. Please proceed to Gate 55.'

What about the one that landed on that river in New York?

What a fluke!

I'm really sorry for the delay everybody,

but we can't leave without our missing passengers.

Oh, that is just like them.

Holding up the whole plane, the holiday,

ruining everyone's Christmas...

I'm so excited. I've never been on a plane before!

It's the first time for the both of us, then.

No more.

Well, you've got to.

-I can't.

-We'll miss the plane.

We're going to Lapland for Christmas!

-I don't care.

-I'll give you a fiver.

-Tenner?

-Done.

-Now!

-What about me?

Cheeky little... The pair of you!

Do you think if we crashed on snow, it'd be soft enough to save us?

Or would the plane just break up and explode?

Do you know, Ray, I hadn't even thought about that.

Hiya. We're here now. Panic's over.

Sorry.

-What happened to you?

-Just getting sweets for the journey.

-Oh, and Melissa wanted a poo.

-Mum!

You know you've kept the whole plane waiting?

Don't start Paula.

Well, we're all here now.

-And those, as well.

-Sorry, mate. Sorry about that.

I hate flying.

-I thought Liam'd hate it, but he seems fine.

-Is he all right?

ENGINE POWERS UP

Oh!

Oh, my God!

We're all going to die!

What's that?

Rescue Remedy. Is it meant to be making that rattling sound?

Look at the stewards. They fly all the time and they're always calm.

Give us some of that. Jack, you hold your nana's hand.

I hope you don't crush your little fingers.

If I die, I'm going to kill you.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

ENGINE QUIETENS

Wasn't that brilliant?

Oh, wonderful(!)

MUSIC: "Sleigh Ride" sung in Finnish

Ham and tomato salad.

No mayo, that's Pete.

Thanks, Mum, you're a star.

-Cheese and onion and tomato, they're Mandy's.

-Cheers.

You haven't made us all butties, too? They'll be giving us food.

It's just a little something to tide us over.

You're on holiday. Stop mothering from now on.

Chicken salad, brown bread, extra tomato.

Go on, then.

Oh, and I've got some cheese strings for Liam.

Mother, you are a lifesaver.

-There you are, Ray.

-Ah, lovely.

-Are you looking forward to meeting the reindeers and Santa?

-Oh, yeah.

Santa came to our school, but it wasn't the real one, was it?

You could see his beard was all cotton wool, and he smelt of bins.

He's one of the ones that helps Santa out, though, isn't he?

As back up in emergencies.

-We're going to see the real one, aren't we?

-Yeah.

-I can't wait to see the Northern Lights.

-And do you think we'll see these Northern Lights?

Deffo. A mate from work came last year, Gary Manilow...

-Barry Manilow?

-No, Gary Manilow.

He said it was like a '70s disco in the sky every night.

Can I have one of them lagers please, love?

-Here you are, sir.

-Ta.

You're early doors.

It's Christmas.

What are you looking forward to, Mum?

Not having to cook the Christmas dinner.

There'll be none of that.

You can sit back, put your feet up.

There's just so many of us these days.

It's a military operation cooking for ten.

Well, it's only nine this year...

Ray!

Just so as you know... I don't want to be here.

You don't say.

I mean, Christmas is all about sitting on the sofa

watching shite and eating crap.

We've honed that over many years and our Christmas works.

This is not Christmas.

KIDS SHOUTING

Why are you doing that?

Liam, why are you doing that?!

Eh, kids, be careful.

Very lively, aren't they?

They're what's known as "kids".

There's lots of you.

Bit overwhelmed, are you?

Did you think we were all lottery winners?

No, no, of course not!

I shouldn't really be telling you this but...

we can only afford this cos we're a family of drug dealers.

-Very funny.

-See that lovely looking old woman back there?

And a serviette for the crumbs.

She's top dog. Keeps the whole of Birkenhead off its face.

No-one ever suspects. Perfect cover.

So if you want to get off your bonce...

just tip me the wink.

Isn't it beautiful?

Oh, it really is.

Here we are, then. In the wilderness.

Oh, it's friggin' freezin'.

I spend all year working in Iceland, hating the cold and I end up here.

-Oh, look! There's Venus.

-Oh, yeah, look at that.

It's one of the only stars you can see during the day

because of its proximity to the Earth.

It's not a star, it's a plane.

So it is.

Where's all the snow, then?

It'll be here somewhere.

Anyway, you don't need snow to have a good time, do we?

Hiya! What's your name?

Mandy.

It's Magic Mandy!

Is it now?(!)

Hiya...hiya, I'm Ray.

It's...Reindeer Ray!

Oh! Um...Eileen.

It's...

It's Extra Special Christmas Eileen!

-Right, OK.

-Yeah.

Hiya! I'm...

Jingle Jill!

Who's going to search for Santa with me?

MUTED RESPONSE

Rubbish schmubbish. Who's going to search for Santa with me?!

-Me!

-Me!

-Me!

-That's better.

So this is the Pudding Bus and when we're on the Pudding Bus

we all need to sing the Pudding Bus song.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Here goes...

TESTS MICROPHONE

# It's fat, it's round

# It's yummy in your tummy

# Pudding Bus! #

She's funny.

Come on everyone, sing with me.

ALL: # It's fat, it's round,

# It's yummy in your... #

Hang on, hang on.

There's someone over here who's not joining in.

And why weren't you singing?

I was just...

Being a big, old mis-bag Scrooge face.

BOOING

Where's your Crimbo spirit, eh? What's your name again?

Pete.

It's Pantomime Pete!

You'll have to sing the Pudding Bus song all on your own.

-I'm not really in the mood...

-You've got to!

Why come to Lapland if you don't want to have fun, fun, fun, eh?!

Um... Cos... Well, last year, me...

Listen, if he doesn't feel like joining in...

Don't get involved or you'll be next! After me...

# It's fat, it's round...

-(HALF-HEARTED)

-# It's yummy in your tummy...

# Pudding Bus! #

You've got to sing or next time you'll be doing it

in the Jingle Jill stocks.

Where all the naughty boys go.

I wouldn't like to get on the wrong side of her.

She could work for the Gestapo.

Well, she is right. He wasn't singing.

# Jingle Jill, Jingle Jill, Jingle all the way... #

ALL: # Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh! #

# ..Oh, what fun it is to ride the Pudding Bus today, hey! #

Welcome, hello. Hello there.

Welcome to Hotel Santa. Go straight down.

-Do we need all this stuff?

-You want them to have a Christmas, don't you?

We didn't have to bring every single present!

They're not waking up, thinking Santa hasn't been.

-We know Santa doesn't exist.

-We're not stupid!

Melissa! Ethan! Don't be saying things like that.

-Don't worry, they didn't hear.

-These two still believe in all the magic.

-I don't want anyone spoiling that.

-Come on, kids, lets find our rooms.

Ethan, come on. Leave him alone.

'Ho, Ho, Ho.'

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Hiya.

-Hiya.

How's your room?

It's lovely. It's all loveliness.

-Are you doing that "ness" thing at the end of words again?

-I might be.

Look, I brought our Christmas with us.

Isn't that in the attic?

Not any more.

Ah it's just not Christmas without our Family Faces Christmas Tree.

Look at me. Look at my hair.

How old is this?

-I thought you'd want it in your room.

-Well...

Look, there's you.

Oh, do you know, it gets me right in the spirit.

Good old Asda. And there's me dad.

I'm going to put you two together.

Isn't it brilliant?

It's great.

Have they killed Rudolph?

It's just pretend.

They've chopped his head off!

There's another dead Rudolph's fur?

Have they peeled off his skin?

For crying out loud.

Was that sleigh bells?

-I think I hear Father Christmas!

-Quick!

Now I'm boiling.

Excuse me, love, thank you.

We look like we're going into outer space.

I'll tie that properly for you.

Mother, I'm 37 years of age.

I know.

Ethan, come here! Why did we bring these annoying kids with us?

I said come here.

Oh... Wrong one. Sorry, kids.

This is just all we need, isn't it? Ethan?!

Melissa?!

Where the frig are they?

I can't see them anywhere.

They must be near about though.

ALL: # All of the other reindeer

# Used to laugh and call him names

# Like Pinocchio

# They wouldn't let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games... #

Right, that's enough.

Oh, I was enjoying that.

Now, I think Santa might be very near, children!

-Ooh!

-I think we're going to find him any minute now!

I can't take much more of her. I knew I shouldn't have come.

I could be on the sofa now, in me jammies,

watching Kung-Fu Panda Two.

Thanks. Hey you must love it here?

Yes...it's everything you could wish for.

I did, er... I did apply to go to Val d'Isere

on an 18 to 30, but...

..I'd much rather be here(!)

With all the crazy kids. I love kids, me.

Oi! You! Get down from there now, you little sh...

Cherub.

I thought it was ski mobiles, like the brochure.

They only work on snow.

-And where is the snow?

-Don't ask me.

We might as well be in Aberystwyth.

-It's only half an hour down the road.

-Are you sure about this?

It's just like riding a bike.

Yeah, I haven't done that since I was in pigtails.

Oh, give it a try. You'll love it.

-It doesn't go fast, does it?

-Yeah.

-Hang on, wait there.

-She doesn't have to if she doesn't want to.

-She's fine. Aren't you?

Right so what do we do? Just squeeze this?

Jill! She does know how to...

Mother!

CRASH

Nanny's dead!

-Ohh.

-We're coming, Eileen.

Agh!

You're lucky, Eileen.

Often, in motorbike accidents, people are decapitated.

Sliced clean off.

It's lovely this. The kids just love it.

Unusual. It could be beef.

Or pork?

Hey, Puddingers!

Now, just to remind you there's a trip tomorrow night

you can still sign up for.

It's the...

Unforgettable Arctic Crossing Ceremony.

'Spend a night in a traditional Lappish tepee.

'Gather round the crackling campfire

'and listen to fascinating tales from your local Sami guide

'as he enlightens you to the mysticism

'that shrouds this time-honoured custom.'

Umm, anyone interested, just give us a shout.

OK.

She's really sold that to me.

Sounds different. What d'you reckon?

Yeah, yeah, could do, if you fancy it.

Well, no cos, tomorrow's Christmas Eve,

so we'll all be doing all our family stuff, our traditions.

Oh, right, yeah. Well, maybe it's not right for the kids.

And you don't come all the way here to meet local people.

We've got local people back home.

Hiya. Are you joining us at the Ice Hotel?

Yeah. Mr and Mrs Robertson. Is that right? Great.

Hiya.

Oh, are you not joining us at the lovely ice hotel tonight?

Oh, I didn't put us down for that. I thought it might be too cold!

-Is it also made of ice?

-Yes, the walls, beds, everything.

There's even a honeymoon suite there.

Aww!

There'll be no rumpy pumpy for them tonight!

It would freeze and snap off!

Oh, me head's banging. Have you got anything?

Me mum will. She's like a walking chemist.

Did I really just see that?

Right everyone, few reminders.

Don't leave anything in your ice rooms or it'll freeze solid.

It's minus 40 in there!

You will need to layer up with thermals, gloves and hats.

And no contact lenses! They will freeze your eyeballs

and you will be blind for life.

OK. Off we go!

Those poor people.

KNOCK ON DOOR

I've got a little elf here who wants to sleep with his nan.

Oh, go on, I'm still not used to sleeping on me own.

-Night, Mum.

-Night love.

Do you think we'll see Father Christmas tomorrow?

-Well, I hope so.

-Me too.

I'm having a good time, but I don't understand how we keep missing him.

Don't you worry about it. Night, night.

Night, night, Nanny.

Got room for another little elf?

There was a monster with big claws under the bed in there.

Come on, then.

-Let's all go to sleep now. Night night.

-Night.

Night, night!

-Morning.

-Morning.

Are we the only two up?

Yeah, looks that way. Do you want some tea?

-Oh, yes, please, thank you very much.

-Oh, 'ello.

-HE SNEEZES

-That's disgusting.

-What did you expect?

-It's a building made out of ice!

-It was your idea!

-I wanted to go to Hawaii!

-You wanted to see the Northern Lights!

So much for the happy couple. I'm glad we gave that a wide berth.

I'm staying there tomorrow night.

Oh, you're not, are you?!

Do you fancy some pickled fish?

I'd rather have a boiled egg.

What brings you to Lapland?

Oh, we just fancied a change. Something different really.

Liam! Come on...

My son convinced me to come...

..it's only a dining room.

..I lost my wife six years ago now.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. There's your tea.

Oh, thank you very much.

-Morning, Dad.

-Oh, hello.

-Hi, Grandad!

-Hello.

It's Maurice, by the way.

-Hiya, I'm Eileen.

-Well, I'll see you later.

-Yeah.

-Perkele!

-Is everything all right?

What's the story with breakfast?

Herring. There is a lot of herring.

Yes, but I'd like a sausage.

I am cooking them now! I should not be doing this.

It is Christmas and I'm cooking for people from Milton Keynes

-and I don't even know where that is.

-It's just outside London.

-It's famous for its roundabouts...

-Also...I don't care!

I've never seen the kids eat so much!

We've got to find out what they use.

-Got any more of those sausages, mate?

-Not now!

Sausages, sausages, sausages!

Not want this. Sausages, sausages!

Hmm. Gorgeous.

-Me dad would have liked it here.

-Hm-mm.

-He loved Christmas.

-Yeah.

-Putting up all the deccies and that.

And if it snowed, all me mates in our street

used to knock for him instead of me!

Always throwing snowballs and... we'd build the biggest snowman!

He was messing about and that, wasn't he?

I wish he was here.

-What are you two doing sitting around yakking?

-I'm coming now.

No time for that, come on! Chop chop!

Anyone would think we were on holiday(!)

Follow me Puddings!

We're meeting some furry friends to take us to Santa this morning.

-Do they actually meet him today?

-Maybe, maybe, maybe.

What's this about us having our Christmas dinner today, on Christmas Eve?

-That's what they do round here.

-I'm not from round here.

-It's messing with me Christmas and I'm not happy.

-Oh, really? Why didn't you say?(!)

DOGS BARK

Look, it's all...doggy-ness.

I thought she'd stopped doing that ness thing.

She's resurrected it for the festive season.

Oh, my God what's that smell? Oh, there's dog crap everywhere.

Watch where you're walking, everybody.

This is gross.

Ethan!

-Eww, you landed in dog poo!

-Urgh! Get it off me, get it off me.

I've got hand wipes here.

You would normally do this in snow.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-On your sleighs, everyone!

-Come on, quick!

We want to go in one on our own.

Fine by me. You're doing me head in. I'd rather not have you in me face.

It'll be romantic, just the two of us.

Don't make my skin crawl.

Come on, Mum.

Nah, I'll give this a miss. I'll stay here and look at the view.

-We all ready?

-Let's seek out Santa my Christmas Pudding lovelies!

DOGS YAP

Bye! Bye!

KIDS SHOUT EXCITEDLY

Hey, there! Slow down, slow down, we don't want you falling over!

-Oh, all right, Eileen?

-Hey, Maurice.

-How were the huskies?

Oh...if I were you, I'd take these hand wipes with you.

Oh, right. Thank you very much.

-What's his story?

-Aren't I allowed to talk to other people?

I saw him with you this morning and now...

He's just being friendly. He's a lovely bloke.

Looks weird to me. If he starts hassling you, let me know.

If he tries to talk to me again, I'll blow a whistle,

sound the alarm.

Does anyone want another quick ride on the huskies?

They said we can go round again.

Hell, yeah! It's better than Oblivion at Alton Towers.

-And that takes some beating.

-Kids?

Will you keep an eye on the kids for us?

And our two? They're no bother. You won't know they're there.

I don't think me mum's up for it.

She doesn't mind. She loves spending time with them!

-You know I do. It's just...

-Won't be long. Come on!

Go on.

I'm going to sit in that chair. You all play nicely with each other.

Let's all pile on Jack!

I said nicely.

Stop it, Ethan!

Pete... Melis... Ethan, get down from there.

-Me ma let's us do this.

-Well, your ma's not here, and I said get down!

-I can see Santa going past the hotel.

-Can you?! Where?!

Will you two behave yourselves!

Oh, my God. Let's see if there's something else on, shall we?

SEXY MOANING

Mum?

SEXY MOANING GETS LOUDER

Mum?

There.

-Oh, Nan!

-What are you watching that for?

We weren't watching it on purpose. They've had me run ragged.

-Ethan was climbing over everything.

-It wouldn't be the Golden Child and his sidekick now, would it?

It never is, is it?

It's a bit much leaving me with all four of them.

We'll leave you to have some time on your own, then.

That's not what I meant.

-We should have thought.

-It's not my kids causing the trouble, Pete.

It always comes back to my two, doesn't it?

-Paula didn't mean it like that.

-Yes, I did.

-I didn't.

Look, why don't we leave you in peace?

You two, now!

And we'll see you at dinner in a while.

-Bye, Nanny.

-Bye-bye!

Bye, darling. Bye, sweetie.

Haista Vittu!

Oh, dear.

I don't know where me mum is.

I knocked but there was no answer.

Oh, she'll have gone for a stroll. She'll be back.

Look! I've got our table decorations.

I'm still in denial about having our Christmas dinner now.

Did you know it's traditional to celebrate on Christmas Eve

in Scandinavian countries because...

Well, it's not my tradition, before you give me a whole potted history.

-What are we doing tomorrow then?

-Maybe we're meeting Santa then.

I wouldn't bet on it. I'd forget about seeing him, kid.

-But tomorrow's our last full day.

-Come on, you.

Turn those carrots down or they'll be cooked to buggery.

-Mother! What the hell are you doing?

-Just helping out.

To cook Christmas dinner?!

It looks like it.

The one thing you said you were looking forward to, was not cooking

a big meal for nine and now you're cooking it for a whole bloody hotel.

Come on, you! Come on.

No, no, no! You can't leave me.

It's all right. Yeah. Poor Teppo, he's been having a nightmare.

I don't care how Teppo's feeling.

-You were the one who said you needed a break.

-Now's not the time, Paula.

Oh! Teppo, your roasts are looking really good now.

Why are you doing this?

I don't know. I went for a walk and there he was.

She saved my life. Look at these beautiful roast potatoes.

They do look nice. Me mum does the best roasties.

Right, Mum, I am not going to let you do this!

You can't take her away from me. Please, I beg you.

Five minutes more.

You're in the way, Paula.

-Mother...

-Eileen, how do you feel about the broccoli?

I think you should leave it a little bit longer, love.

Guess who's cooking Christmas dinner?

-Delia Smith?

-Me mother.

You what?

At least it'll be proper. Save us eating some weird foreign muck.

Will you have a word with her? She won't listen to me.

If that's what she wants to do, you can't stop her, can you?

You can't let my mum cook dinner for the whole hotel!

She's most at home when she's in the kitchen.

You're just going to drink, are you?

She's a grown woman, she can do what she wants.

-I give up.

-Not there! That's where Grandad Ted would sit.

This is for table seven. Peter won't eat broccoli.

Ethan and Melissa eat meat, carrots, gravy, nothing else.

What am I doing?

Is this seat taken? Don't mind if I join you...

The tight gits weren't going to give us a Christmas dinner.

Said I had to phone for a scabby pizza.

I wouldn't get treated like this in Val d'Isere.

There'd be champagne, fancy finger food on tiny bits of bread.

Dead fit blokes with snowboards who can't get enough of me.

-Don't wait for me.

-You are joining us?

-Sure you don't want help with the pots and pans?

-Hush, Paula.

You haven't brought these with you, as well, have you?

Can we start now?

Um...we should say grace. Peter?

-Oh! I didn't realise you were all God Squad.

-We're not really.

It's just me dad used to say it at Christmas.

It's just a little tradition.

You don't have to.

I think I'd like to.

-What is it?

-'For what we...'

'For what we are about to receive,

'may the Lord make us truly thankful.'

-Amen.

-Amen.

-Yeah.

-You can start now.

Finally!

-You're not going to wait until we've had our Christmas dinner?

-I can't miss them!

Can you imagine if I go back

and Gary Manilow's seen the Northern Lights and not me!

Barry Manilow?!

It's really special that, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, you go and look at the solar system.

We don't need him to have a brilliant time, do we?

This is great...

It's brilliant...just us.

It's really special and festive and brilliant!

Hm-mm. This roast turkey tastes nice.

I wish it was roast turkey.

I was looking forward to not eating rotten reindeer for once.

It's reindeer?

Oh, here we go.

Didn't you know?

-Is this Rudolph?

-Or Donner or Blitzen.

-Mandy!

-Or Dancer or Prancer.

-I'm not eating reindeer.

Me too. I'm not eating dead reindeer.

You've been eating reindeer the whole time.

You had it yesterday for dinner, today for breakfast...

I've been eating Rudolph!

Well, you do get sick of it but...it's reindeer.

Look, you two. You liked it when you didn't know what it was.

-Eat your veggies.

-It's all touched the veggies.

Is there anything else? They need to eat.

There's tins of beans. I could do them beans on toast.

-Would you?

-Are they reindeer beans?

-No.

-Mum, don't you go anywhere. Are you serious?

She's only just sat down.

Keep your hair on. She said she wasn't hungry and she offered.

I'd make it myself but I don't know where anything is.

This reindeer is soo tasty!

Ethan!

-Hmm!

-Will you ask your kids to stop winding mine up?

They're only having a laugh.

Some people would call it bullying.

Someone with no sense of humour.

I have got a sense of humour.

I laugh at lots of things. I laugh many times a day.

-Am I leaving these beans or what?

-Yeah.

Just forget the bloody beans! Oi, Patrick Moore.

Do you want to come and give us a hand? It's like Pearl Harbour over here.

I need some fresh air.

-Do you want me to go with you?

-No, finish your dinner. I'll be fine.

It wouldn't be Christmas without a bit of a barney.

Mum?

Give us a hand with this, will you?

What are you doing? Where are you going?

I'm going on the Arctic Circle thingy.

Who with?

-No-one. On my own.

-What for?

-I fancy it.

-You can't just go off.

Why not?

You'll be fine. I'll see you tomorrow.

But it's Christmas Eve.

Ta ra.

We are now crossing into the Arctic Circle.

So we're now in the Arctic Circle.

Yes, apparently.

Do you know it does feel a bit chillier?

I can't believe we're going on another bloody trip now.

After our Christmas dinner. This makes no sense to me.

It is a bit unusual but that's the itinerary.

Everything's arse about tit. I should be on the sofa now farting,

watching someone getting raped in EastEnders.

That's Christmas. Not this.

What are you two up to?

Why do we always get the blame for everything?

Because youse are the ones who are always arsing about.

Labelling's really destructive, you know.

That everyone? Let's go find Santa.

I don't trust a word she says now.

Come on.

# Where the only water flowing

# Is the bitter sting of tears.

# And the Christmas bells that ring there

# Are the clanging chimes of doom

# Well, tonight, thank God it's them instead of you... #

This is festive. Singing about children dying in Africa.

# The only gift they'll get this year is...

# Life... #

Can I have some sweets, Mum? Give us some to shut us up.

Here.

Do their Royal Highnesses want any?

Nah. Don't want them getting all hyper.

You don't want them to have too much fun, do you?

I couldn't get a couple of bags off you, could I?

Look! She's dealing now.

Don't be ridiculous.

What sort of a holiday is this?

We're going to turn the lights off and I want you all to close your eyes. Festive Frank...

What are they going to do us now?

Ten, nine...

Eight...

Are we really going to see him now?

Seven...

The tensions' killing us.

Six...

Five...

Four... We're nearly there. Three...

-Are we nearly there?

-No.

Three...

Give me strength.

Two and a half...

It's all magicness.

One and three quarters...

They should have had her in Guantanamo.

-We'd have found Bin Laden years ago.

-Mandy!

One... Now open your eyes.

ALL: Wow! Whoa!

Welcome to Santa's Christmas Village.

Look at that down there!

Elves.

Jingle!

Is this really where Santa lives?

-You betcha!

-Yes!

Look at all the busy elves...

-This is so cool.

-..making the last minute presents.

BELLS JINGLE

Would any of the boys and girls like to help the elves make their own toys?

Me!

-What did

-you

-ask Santa for?

A Lego City Space Centre.

I think this is it here.

Really? This is mine?

I think so. Why don't you help the elves make it?

And you guys, come on!

Do you want to help the elves?

Do you think we're babies?

She threw her lamp to him and said,

"I shall always be with you in the light."

-She's a gonner.

-He cried 100 tears but he knew, with the lamp,

he still had his sweetheart with him.

Suddenly, there was a big, big storm.

The wind puffed out the lamp.

He screamed at the night sky.

But then, he saw a bright star.

And another, and another.

And he knew it was Ilona looking down on him.

Always. Wherever there was light, she was there.

Her spirit would never leave him.

QUIET APPLAUSE

Here's Santa's Post Office.

This is where the letters you send come to.

Now, I'm sure you've all already sent your letters

but, if there's anything you want to add,

now's your chance.

Yes! Let's go.

-Hey!

-I'm doing this for us.

I don't want our family to miss this experience.

Cloud breaker?

Cloud breaker. It sounds so magical. Thanks.

Thank you very much.

Cheers!

Cheers!

It isn't very strong.

What is it, Cillit Bang?

That would clear out your tubes.

I feel dead relaxed. I was getting so tense.

I just upped and left them.

I've never done anything like that before.

And I bet you're glad you did.

-Is it awful to say yes?

-No.

I love it here.

This is where the elves all sleep.

It's empty because they're all hard at work.

-There's someone in there.

-Shhhh!

Oh yes, there does seem to be someone in this bed.

Who do you think it is?

Goldilocks?

Mand, just cos you're not enjoying it.

Let's just...

Oh, look, she's woken up anyway.

-She wouldn't if you'd shut up.

-Hello, little elf. What are you doing in bed?

I've been working very hard day and night

making toys for all the good children in the world.

I came here for a rest and I fell straight asleep.

That's not very good. Someone'll be getting their P45.

Will you just pack it in for once?

-You what?

-I've had enough of your snidey comments the whole time.

You're ruining this for everyone else.

All you've done is snipe at Pete and moan and slag everything off.

If you didn't want to come, you should have stayed at home on your own.

Sorry about that, little elf person.

Can she carry on?

Um, I've been working very hard

day and night making toys for all the good children in the world.

I came here for a rest and...

Will I EVER meet Santa?

Will I ever see the Northern Lights?

Ah! Are you looking forward to Santa Claus coming tonight?

Will he come into my room in the middle of the night?

If you're lucky. But you'll definitely see him tomorrow.

We're all off to his grotto in the morning.

Definitely, definitely?

Deffo.

Is an old man going to come into my room in the middle of the night?

Is he going to try and hug me? Get into bed with me?

Ah!

You're not. It's Christmas Eve for Christ's sake.

I can hardly see, I am so tired.

But we always wrap the presents on Christmas Eve. It's the ritual.

Glass of Bailey's, carols from Kings, I do the paper you do the Sellotape.

As soon as I've seen them, I'll be there.

I can't go back having not seen them. What will I say to Gary Manilow?

I'm not leaving Lapland till I've seen these buggers.

You look so content.

Yeah, I am, I think, for a moment.

When I first got here, I thought, "What am I doing?"

-This isn't your everyday holiday.

-No.

Actually it's more than that.

I lost my husband, Ted, this year.

I'm sorry.

I still find it really difficult to say those words.

I know, I do understand.

I realised, when I got here,

that I hadn't been on holiday for 40 years without Ted.

I've missed him more here than I do at home.

I miss him so much.

I don't really know what to do with myself. I don't know who I am.

Do you know? I haven't talked about this to anyone before.

I haven't been able to, haven't wanted to. So, thanks, Maurice.

No, thank you. This has been the highlight of my whole trip.

Yeah, I wish I'd brought a camera.

I'm glad I got to share it with you.

-Oh, give over.

-I mean it.

I've had a lovely time with you too, Maurice.

It's funny, isn't it? Odd. We've both lost our other halves

and yet we get to be here together.

It's not what you'd expect when you come to see Father Christmas.

Together in this old mystical place.

You're getting carried away now.

Maybe it's fate.

I think you've had too much of that blueberry whatsit.

What? What? Have I got something on my face?

Don't say another word.

What are you doing?

Look, I know how you feel.

You're frightened to move on.

Come on. Don't be shy.

No, Maurice.

I thought that's what you wanted.

Whatever gave you that idea?

Why have you come here?

Told me everything?

I was just having a good time.

I don't want that!

It's the furthest thing from my mind.

I should be in Val d'Isere.

Me too.

They have all the sexy, glamorous, beautiful people.

All partying and getting off our tits.

There'd be a fella for me there.

There's a ski instructor.

With tanned arms and strong thighs and an arse you'd want to bite.

And he's called Rolf.

Or Sven.

Or Kevin.

I'm not fussed about Kevin.

And he'd take hold of me.

We'd grapple at first. But then...

But I'm stuck here with a load of smelly, pushy kids. I hate kids.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't worry about it.

I hate kids sometimes.

Especially my own.

MUSIC ON RADIO: "O Come, Oh Come, Emmanuel"

Have you seen your dad?

Um...he was getting pissed in the bar earlier.

-Said he was going to throw drink at the problem.

-Yeah.

She's going in there!

-You two!

-Quick, run!

Have you ever seen them, the Northern Lights?

You mean revontulet?

-Oh, is that what you call it?

-Revontulet, fox fires.

The foxes here are made of fire

and they whisk up sparks into the sky with their tails.

-Right.

-You shouldn't look out for them.

If you do, they'll never appear.

They will come in their own time.

I wish someone would tell my son-in-law that.

I'll stay here till I see them.

Bloody Gary Manilow. He always thinks he's better than me.

Just cos he got an iPhone 3GS before us. Well, not this time.

Even back at school he was the first person to have a Rubik's Cube.

He used to charge us 5p to have a go on it.

Well, I'm going to show him.

I've got the latest digital camera with GPS, 16 megapixels

and image stabiliser.

I am going to see more and betterer lights than he ever, ever saw.

Yeah, I shall show him. I'll have the last laugh.

(LAUGHING) Yeah! I will, won't I?!

I will, won't I? Won't I?!

Well, tell me I will...

You know what? I don't know and I really don't care!

Have you seen my useless husband?

-I think I saw him going there.

-Where?

-The health club.

-Well, that clearly wasn't him.

MUMBLED VOICES

< Do you want it a bit harder?

Ahh. That's great. >

Oh, Jill!

Mand!

Jingle Jill!

-Hiya!

-Mand, I can explain. Jill was just helping...

-Argh!

-That's just for starters.

-Don't worry, once I've had him, I'll sort you out!

-Mand, calm down!

-Argh!

-Were you having a jingle jump?

-No!

-It's not what it looks like!

-A jingle jerk?

-No!

-Argh! Mand!

-God, not my face!

Jill, wait!

Jill!

Hurry up!

Wait for me!

TRADITIONAL SCANDANAVIAN SONG

Happy Christmas, Mr Reindeer.

Wake up, wake up, wake up!

Santa's been.

Has he? Oh, well, that's good(!)

Yeah, that's great.

He brought me the Lego City Space Centre I asked for!

And I got me Moshi Monster!

Oh, well...

I'm made up for you.

So am I.

Come and see what else we've got!

Ohhh.

Go and get your dad.

Morning.

Listen, love, Jingle Jill was just...

If I hear that whore's name again...

-Didn't you do well?

-Got just what you wanted.

Yeah(!)

Yeah.

Don't you want to play with the toys that Santa spent ages wrapping

and carrying over here for you?

-We know you did it.

-I think you'll find it was Santa.

Are we going to go and see him, then? Santa?

I'm not arsed. Are you kids?

Naah.

Do you want to go so you can see Jill's Jingles again?

No.

That's why we're here, isn't it? Santa.

I really don't know why we're here.

Faster, faster, faster!

Liam, put your snow suit on.

I don't want to see Santa. He's creepy!

No, he's not, he's magical! He gave you that Moshi Monster!

Now, please get ready!

-Ray, will you get up?

-I'm knackered!

Well, you spent all night looking for a disco in the sky!

Up!

Mum, hurry up, we'll miss the coach

and we won't see Santa in his grotto.

We'll make it because I'm never late for anything.

Never ever, never never.

But it's leaving soon and it's our last chance.

Well, run downstairs and ask them to wait five minutes. Quick!

No! No, wait!

Please wait.

Go on! You can do it.

SHE COUGHS

You know you were saying you had some, you know...

I don't suppose you've got anything left, have you?

I've never done anything like this before. I'm so embarrassed.

Don't worry. You're in luck.

Really? We're frazzled and we're on holiday, so we thought...

One for you. One for your bloke.

How much?

My treat. Merry Christmas.

Oh, thank you.

What are they?

Let's just say you'll feel amazing.

They'll take all the edges away.

And I tell you, they're very subtle, but the sex on these is great.

Really?

Really?!

I could do with one meself.

Jack?

Jack, what's the matter? What's happened?

I've missed the Pudding Bus to go and see Santa.

It was my last chance. I'm not going to see him now.

Right. Come with me, come on.

But I thought you didn't like husky rides?

I didn't, but I love them now!

Faster, faster!

The only bloody reason we're here is to see bloody Father Christmas!

He's not there.

Neither is the bus.

Ha! What?!

He must have got on it.

Well, he wouldn't go without us.

Would he?

Don't panic. He'll be on it.

I'll get them to call the coach.

Wow. Santa's here?

Oh, yes.

Maybe he is really real then,

cos I heard Ethan and Melissa say...

This is the real Santa. Only special people get brought here.

There's no Jack Cooper with us...

We've got none of that family today. Thank God....

Oh!

-You finished?

-Just a minute!

OK.

She said he's not on the bus.

-Oh, no!

-Now let's not get carried away with this.

-Is there anyone else he could be with?

-What about..?

Is Jack with you?

No, no.

-Where is he?

-He's disappeared.

Oh, he'll turn up.

Anyone else he could be with?

Me mother.

No! She's off on that bloody Arctic Roll thing, isn't she?

You don't think he's been abducted do you?

PAULA SOBS

Nice one, Mand(!)

What will you ask Santa when you meet him?

I'm going to ask him loads of questions.

Find out how he gets the presents to everyone in the world.

Hello.

Hello Santa.

How are you?

I'm...

OK.

So, what have you been doing while you've been here in Lapland?

Well, we've been on husky rides, ski mobiles, and the Pudding Bus.

And did I bring all the presents you asked for?

Oh, yeah. Thank you.

My pleasure.

Weren't you going to ask Santa some questions?

Yeah... I can't remember them now.

Well, another time.

Of course.

Here's a small present for you.

Thank you.

-And for you too.

-I didn't expect a present.

Thank you, Santa, thank you.

Enjoy the rest of your stay.

I can't wait to tell everyone that I met the real Santa!

I know! Your mum's going to be made up!

-Where the hell have you been?!

-With Nan to see Santa.

He gave me a wooden reindeer and Nan got the Northern Lights.

-You what?

-He missed the coach, so I took him meself.

Show's over kids. Come on,

let's go to our room and watch some violent Finnish cartoons.

Oh, sick!

I want to, too!

You didn't think of telling us, letting us know?

We only went to see Santa.

We've been out of our minds. We thought he'd been abducted.

In Lapland?! Who by? The Abominable Snowman?!

I just felt like being a bit impulsive.

We've come away as a family and you just flit off.

-Eh, now that's enough.

-Don't have a go at me. What have I done?

It's your fault we're here in the first place.

Why are we here?

You know why.

This is the last place we should be. None of this is right.

Us being on holiday, pretending to be dead jolly!

-It's what me dad would have wanted.

-Is it?!

What, singing the Pudding Bus song and eating reindeer morning, noon and night?!

We're only here because your son wanted to see Father Christmas.

-We all wanted to get away.

-Did we?!

I wish I'd never come.

Is that what all think?

It's a bit unusual, isn't it? But, in the end, I've enjoyed it.

I just wanted us all to be together.

I was only trying to do my best...

I just wanted everyone to have a great time.

I didn't want anyone to be miserable.

And she's off.

PAULA SOBS UNCONTROLLABLY

OK.

-Hiya.

-Oh, hiya.

I'd best go, I don't want the wife to catch us again.

Why would that be?!

Mand, I didn't mean nothing!

Mandy!

-Now Mandy, hear me out.

-I don't want a peep out of you.

He just wanted someone to talk to.

-You what?

-He's unhappy. He's lost his father.

You don't need to tell me that.

-Jingle Jill listened!

-He needed a shoulder to cry on.

He never got to say a proper goodbye.

He didn't realise how serious it was. He thought he'd pull through.

And then it was too late.

How dare you tell me about my husband!

Jingle Jill's had a hard time too. She should be in Val d'Isere.

Nobody's saying that. Now, calm down.

Eileen. Excuse me.

-I want to talk to you about last night.

-Now's not the time.

-I just want to apologise.

-Later, Maurice, later.

Fine.

That's why you disappeared, all of a sudden!

It was a spur of the moment thing.

I didn't know what to do with meself.

You were meant to be spending Christmas Eve with us.

But you left us all alone for some creep you met at breakfast.

I shouldn't have come back.

Oh, don't think about us. You just think of yourself.

That would make a refreshing change.

Don't you think you should explain yourself?

I don't have to defend myself to my own daughter.

What would me dad say?

Me father not long dead in the ground and you're already moving on.

You've gone too far now.

Do you think I could forget your father like that?

I couldn't and I don't want to.

I still expect to turn the corner and he'll be there

and everything will be like it was again.

I went on the trip because it sounded nice

and it was something I wanted to do.

For me. Not for anybody else, just for me. For once.

That bloke was there but that had nothing to do with anything.

So what else?

Is there anything else you'd like to know while we're at it?

No, I...

Good.

Mother...

Paula, I really don't need this.

Look, hear me out...

-Shut up.

-Don't tell me to shut up!

Look, look!

Oh, my sweet Jesus.

Would you look at that.

I'm sorry Mum.

Shush.

We should go and get Ray.

Yeah.

Oh, I wish me dad was here.

He is here.

He's there.

He's right in front of us.

Go and get the others.

Oi! Quick, quick! Come and see this!

It's the Northern Lights!

-It was here.

-Is this a wind up?

-They'll come back.

-What are we waiting for?

All I know is it's friggin' freezing.

-Not funny in the slightest.

-It was incredible, wasn't it?

The whole sky lit up.

Look, it's here! Look!

Look at that!

Oh, cool!

Oh, my God.

Is it the end of the world now?

I've seen better screensavers!

Will you shut your fat gob for once?!

This is beautiful!

Your camera. Gary Manilow.

Sod Gary Manilow. I got to see it.

I got to see it.

Sorry.

It's amazing, isn't it, Mum?

Amazing...

..ness.

This is perfect.

Everything seems different.

In a good way.

Maybe.

-Oi!

-Maybe not!

Come here!

Go on, Dad! Get him!

MUSIC: Winter Wonderland sung in Finnish

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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