100 Million Laughs Comic Relief

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Here's what we've got in store for you tonight.

LENNY HENRY: This year's Red Nose Day really was one to remember

and it's all thanks to you sh-mazing British public,

who raised an incredible...

I got a little bit more than I was expecting!

The Democrats of Dibley reporting for duty, sir.

Right, concentrate, Doctor! Hello, Lenny!

We possibly could break all previous records tonight.

Whoever made this $100,000 jacket didn't put pockets in it!

# Nobody does it better... #

Hi.

The pleasure is all mine. I wouldn't say that.

Dermie-wermy...

Hi, David.

United Kingdom, give yourselves a big round of applause now.

Good to see you again.

Brent's found a guitar. Brent's found a guitar.

Thank you for all you have done.

CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH

So, whatever it was you did to raise money - getting dolled up

in fancy dress, taking on a challenge, simply

picking up the phone, or baking an exact replica of Lady Gaga, we thank you.

Tonight, along with the dangerously handsome Steve Jones and my

other Red Nose Day comrades, we want to treat YOU to some fantastic comedy

from David Brent, Peter Kay, Miranda Hart and David Walliams. But we'll

also be thanking some of our heroic fundraisers right here. And even

more importantly, we'll be letting you know how the money that you gave

is helping to change people's lives across Africa and here in the UK.

But let's start at the beginning, shall we?

INDISTINCT RAP

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Dim the lights, Rasta!

Hang on, hang on...

CHEERING

Fantastic.

Hello, everyone. Well, that's one way to open a show. What a suit.

I can still see it if I close my eyes tightly.

More from the master later, when he'll be sharing lots of good news

about how your donations have changed lives.

Now, I remember this year's Red Nose Day for many things,

not least for the ?1,203,865 raised

by Let's Dance and, of course, Simon Cowell's extraordinary wedding -

great practice for the real thing.

MUSIC: "Wedding March" by Mendelssohn

Now, there's no need to be nervous.

All rise, please, for the bride.

MUSIC: "Bridal Chorus" by Wagner

Weddings always make me cry!

It hasn't even started yet, dear!

HE SOBS

I never thought I'd see the day. So pleased he's finally found a woman.

Well...he has done a lot of... searching.

Please be seated.

We begin today's marriage service with a reading

from Mr Robert Williams.

Today's reading comes from Take That's Greatest Hits,

track 17, verse three. So... you can do what you like...

Do what you like. No need to ask me. Do what you want.

Do what you like. Do...what you like.

No need to tell me. Do whateth you want.

Here endeth the lesson.

Moving words indeed. Thank you.

And now...

If anyone here knows of any lawful impediment why these two

should not be married...

..let them speak now or forever hold their peace.

DOG BARKS

LAUGHTER

HE CHUCKLES

Ahem.

Wonderful! Right, well, let's begin the vows.

Repeat after me - I, Simon Tyrone Cowell... I, Simon Tyrone Cowell...

..global television star and legendary music mogul who changed

the face of popular culture...

DOOR BANGS

Stop the wedding!

ALL GASP

David Walliams!

What is the meaning of this?

My Simon! I love you! It should be me and you getting married today!

I love everything about you! I love that your hair looks like a badger.

I love that your trousers come up to your armpits.

I love that you wear pullovers too tight so they show off your nipples.

Let's run away somewhere. Somewhere where nobody knows us.

Impossible for me, easy for you. Just the two of us! And Sinita.

David, it's a no from me.

Well...where were we? Oh, yes... Repeat after me...

Stop the wedding!

Ollie Murs! What?!

Simon, I love you. Stop the wedding!

Dermot O'Leary! For crying out loud!

Simon, I love you. Stop the wedding!

Rachel Adedeji!

Oh, no, wait, sorry. Louis Walsh!

Simon, don't do this. I love you! Back off, sister, he's mine.

He was my Simon years before he was your Simon, so you back off!

Simon Cowell, Louis Walsh just poked me!

Simon, I love you and I want to sit on your panel.

I love you, Simon!

Hands off, Dixon, he's mine. I love you, Simon! Choose me!

I love Simon! I love you, Simon.

TOGETHER: We love you, Simon! I love Piers Morgan.

I love you, Simon! I love you, Simon!

ALL: I love you, Simon!

ENOUGH!

SILENCE

It's four nos, I'm afraid. Right. Let's just do this, shall be?

Repeat after me...

WOMAN YELLS

Sharon Osbourne?!

DRAMATIC CHORDS

Oh, no.

I want to marry you. I thought you didn't like me. I don't.

I want to marry you so I can ruin the rest of your life.

A million per cent never.

SILENCE!

Right.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

At last.

You're beautiful.

I know.

Earlier this year for Red Nose Day I visited Homa Bay in Western Kenya.

I met people there who go without food for days,

and children who face starvation and death from sickness every day.

It was heartbreaking.

I asked you to donate money so that Comic Relief could help.

You didn't have to but because you did,

wonderful things are happening and a once forgotten community now has a future.

Because of the money you gave on Red Nose Day, since March,

we've been able to give the people there enormous help and we're

aiming to support over 6,000 people living with or affected by HIV.

Your donations will be spent improving home-based care

for people with HIV.

They will help more people get proper referral to hospitals where

they can get better treatment, keeping families intact.

The money will also go towards training people to help themselves.

Your response on Red Nose Day will actually save lives. So next time

you're standing near someone who says the money doesn't get

through, there's a lot of corruption out there, they've got to learn to

look after themselves, maybe don't invite them for dinner any more.

Just an idea. Thank you.

Comic Relief currently funds 16 projects,

aiming to improve the lives of thousands of people living with HIV.

This year, you came up with a dazzling array of ways to raise money

but we thought we'd give YOU the chance to tell us how you

brought home the egg, bacon, sausage, tomato and beans for Red Nose Day,

so we can thank you personally.

Hello, I'm Miss Stephanie and I'm from Baby Ballet, and these are some of my stars.

Give a big wave, girls! Oh, well done.

This year, we danced in the week leading up to Red Nose Day.

They were amazing because we raised over ?600 and, nationwide,

our little stars raised over ?4,000 for Comic Relief.

Hi. I'm Paul Jones, music teacher at Rosemary Works Primary School in London.

For Red Nose Day we all went busking at Spitalfields Market

as well as selling artwork the children had made at school.

We raised over ?850. CHILDREN: Yay!

Whoo-hoo! Mr Henry! Yes, it is me!

Hello, how are you? Hello, small people. Hello. How are you? Fantastic.

Thousands of schools and nurseries joined in the fun for Red Nose Day

and between them raised more than ?8.9m.

So whatever it was you did, school children of the UK, we thank you!

Say hooray. ALL: Hooray!

Sorry I'm late. Oh, Vicar, good to have you back. Long holiday.

Yes, it seems like years since our last meeting, doesn't it?

Agh!

I've got the most wonderful news.

Oh, might it involve Fiona Bruce naked?

No.

So not THE most wonderful news? Holly Willoughby naked? Who naked?

No. My news is that we're going up to London to vote on the women bishops.

ALL CHEER

# All the single ladies All the single ladies

# If you liked it then you should've put a hat on it

# If you liked it you should've put a...on it

# Oh oh oh, oh oh oh

# Oh oh oh, oh oh oh. #

The Democrats of Dibley reporting for duty, sir.

Ah, yes, you must be Geraldine Granger. Actually, it's Kennedy now.

I got married since that register was made.

Pity. Although, you know... divorce is on the rise.

Nothing lasts for ever, does it? Except EastEnders, of course.

Good for you. I like a funny vicar. Do you?

Well, you're looking at the home of funny here.

I can do all sorts of things,

like...that...

and that.

Be that as it may, today is about voting, not flirting.

Pity. Still, we are massively excited, aren't we?

Great day for the Church.

Great day indeed! Have you chosen one of your number to cast your vote?

We have.

Stark raving insane as it may seem,

because he has fewer brain cells than

I have pictures of Ed Miliband in my wallet, we have chosen...

Jim Trott.

Hello, Mr Trott. No, no, no, no, no.

He is the oldest member of our community,

and we wanted to show that there is no-one so ancient and senile and

actually braindead that they can't see the sense on women bishops.

Well, Mr Trott, good luck.

Strange as it may seem,

the fate of the Church of England is in your hands.

So, you are Mr Jim Trott,

representing the village of Dibley?

I am.

Mr Trott, you may either give one vote

if your village council are all agreed... Right.

..or you may represent the individual votes of the members.

Right. Very well.

Mr James Trott, representative of the village of Dibley,

do you support the introduction of women bishops

into the Church of England?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Yes.

Very well, thank you.

Goodness!

It's getting close.

The without fail brilliant Vicar of Dibley there.

Coming up, Liverpool's sweetheart, Mr John Bishop, will be

letting us know how your money has been working hard

right here in the UK, and we'll also give you another chance to see

the outrageous Jessie J shave her head because...why not?

I'd have done the same but look at this pelt. I mean, come on.

The secret, really, is to treat your hair like a classic car -

wash it regularly, keep it shiny, store it properly... I always

keep mine just here...

and use a 5mm socket wrench to bleed the braking system

for air to thoroughly clean the hydraulic lines.

This year, Comic Relief, like every year,

has spent 40% of the money that you've donated here in the UK.

In fact, wherever you are in the UK,

you're virtually within 30 miles of a Comic Relief project.

And that's working with some of the most vulnerable

people in our society - people who have been

suffering from domestic violence at home, sex trafficking,

some of the people who have been suffering from mental health issues -

we've been trying to get them back into work and help them

move their lives forward.

I've seen some of these projects, and I have to be honest with you,

the need out there is greater than I possibly imagined.

We're not going to ask you for any more money, you've already done that.

Thank you for the efforts you've made to make a difference to

someone else's life.

Right now, Comic Relief funds over

2,000 projects aiming to help

millions of people in the UK.

After the recent horse-meat scandal,

people no longer trust supermarket ready meals.

I know I don't.

And the supermarkets don't know what's in their food

and they are happy for us to know that they don't know.

We know that they don't know

and they know that we know that they don't know.

I know.

So, the supermarkets - and this now is very much

the beginning of the sketch - have decided to be more honest with their

packaging, and tonight, in a sketch, we can exclusively reveal

some packaging prototypes that'll be hitting the shelves soon.

So, honest packaging, that's the basis of the sketch.

Here's the first one.

Roll of the diced beef.

HE LAUGHS

I can't believe it's bolognese.

LAUGHTER

Chance it chilli.

Loosely speaking lasagne.

Touch wood moussaka.

Sure hope it's shepherd's pie.

Fish fingers crossed. LAUGHTER

They're getting better. Could be cannelloni.

Can't believe... already done that one.

You're putting them back. I'm leaving them up here.

We got no system, man.

I want to do the one they laughed at again. Which one was that?

Sure hope it's shepherd's pie.

CHEERING

Potentially pork.

Obviously, these are the higher quality things you can

buy in the supermarkets.

There will of course be an economy value version.

And here it is.

Very much the punch-line of the sketch...

Definitely donkey.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on.

What's happened in the last ten years?

What HASN'T happened in the last ten years?!

That's would be the easier question to answer.

HE CHUCKLES

I'll answer what has happened. Um...

Oh, yeah, what has happened?

Eh...

It's been amazing, you know. Probably the best ten years of my life,

filled with just so many interesting things.

Mainly rapping.

You know, I'm not going got kill that cash cow, cos it helps me

finance my other passions, you know - my music, my recording,

my short stories.

Podcasting. You know.

Oh, yeah.

But, uh, I manage an act as well now, like a local Simon Cowell.

Better really, cos...

cos I'm an artist myself I can literally pass on musical wisdom,

you know, whilst making money...from them.

So, uh...talk of the devil.

There he is.

How you doing, man? Cool.

Yes.

Black. Told you.

This is Dom.

Dom Johnson, lyricist.

Rapper.

And, eh, now you see...what I've been talking about.

So...yeah. Anyway, do you want a drink?

Yeah, cool. What do you want?

Rum and Coke?

Red Stripe?

Nah, just a soft drink...

Lilt?

Just orange juice...fine.

AMERICAN ACCENT: One OJ, coming up, baby!

It looks like a weird partnership, I can see that,

but, you know, I never thought it would need outside help.

Me, I was born into the music industry, do you know what I mean?

My dad worked for Our Price, but I never knew him,

do you know what I'm saying?

So it's been a struggle for a while, if I'm honest.

And when he come along, when he actually offered to support

my studio time financially, that's when we properly clicked - boom.

What's that on?

I've got that on 24. And the bass is on?

Hi, David Brent.

Hey, David Brent. Nice to meet you.

Dom. Nice to meet you.

Do you want to pop yourself down and...?

At the Starship Enterprise?!

Innit? Like the Starship Enterprise.

Wow! Beam me up. Can you not do that?

Capacity warp 12!

HE CHUCKLES

Don't touch those, please.

Let's get you in. Do you need water?

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Warning - Brent's found a guitar.

Brent's found a guitar.

Oh, man.

This is right up my alley.

Good tone. What is it, Fender?

No, it's an Ibanez. It says on the thing there.

I don't look at what things say, I know what they feel like, though.

We should probably...

Oh, my God!

Hold on.

What am I thinking with this going on?

I've got a political reggae song called Equality Street.

OK. We're not...

That'd be amazing. Think about it - me and you.

You could do a rap.

Oh, my God, it's fantastic. It's...

# Dayo, dayo Dayo, me say dayo

# Biddly-biddly-biddly-biddly-biddly Biddly-bong, yo... #

Biddly-bong? Definitely.

Listen, we're focusing on my song. We can do this.

Do a political reggae song, cos it's perfect. I'm not doing that.

Cos it's mega-racial, but anti-racist.

This could be like Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder.

Better, cos you can see what you're doing!

And if this turns out as good as I think it will,

I'll even pay for a video. Video?

My expert opinion is that Dom's track will not be improved by

having a middle-aged man in a cheap polyester suit singing on top of it.

It's like Tinie Tempah recording a track with Piers Morgan.

They're still bickering. I don't know what they're bickering about.

So can all you lot rap, then? Could Trevor McDonald rap if he had to?

Oh, my God. OK, so we might be here a while.

This year, for the first time ever, we selected a special

team of celebrity fun-raisers, but there's one...

Fun-raiser.

..whose work is not quite done.

Jessie J!

This programme started when I was born, and every year, when I could,

I sat and watched it and always wanted to be a part of it.

And I wanted to do something that was going to shock people,

something that I felt was going to make people donate.

That's what this is about.

Jessie, I'm here to reassure you that you're in safe hands.

OK.

Are you ready, Jessie?

Ooh!

This is so going on eBay.

We're halfway through this and I have to say, Jessie, stop now!

We could just comb it over, or something.

Put some double-sided tape on it!

CHEERING

It feels liberating, but this isn't really about this.

Over ?500,000 already is amazing.

OK, time for a few more thank yous. I'm going to get into position.

Bring it on.

Hi, my name is Luke Nolan and I grew my rat tail for five years and for

Red Nose Day this year, I decided to cut it off, like Jessie J.

I raised over ?500.

Luke...

Luke, I am not your father.

Here, look at you.

Congratulations, my friend.

There you go. Would you like some cake?

I'm Ben. And I'm Claire.

And in a moment of madness, we decided to let Miranda Hart

organise our wedding day for Comic Relief.

She did an amazing job,

and we couldn't have been happier on the day.

Over the whole week she raised ?1,140,615.

Woo-hoo.

We love Miranda.

# Congratulations. #

A huge thanks there to Ben and Claire.

As match-making goes, I think we nailed it!

But these big days always go by in a blur, don't they?

In fact, this show has really helped me piece back together that night in March...

I keep getting flashbacks where I'm in a gold suit with flashing lights...

Anyway, let's remind ourselves of the final act

in Miranda's Mad March,

which brought us another unforgettable Comic Relief snog.

THEY CHUCKLE

Miranda, this is what you have to do today.

You will be organising a real wedding for a real couple,

taking place today in Marylebone at 5.45pm.

CHEERING

Three hours. Go, go, go, go.

Confetti, rings, bridesmaids' dresses.

Oh...!

We've chosen the dress and I'm the closest to crying -

that's always the sign.

I'm off to get a choir and learn how to be part of one.

CHORAL SINGING

This is somebody's actual wedding.

I've been watching you!

We've got to get something old, something new,

something borrowed and something... I can't even say it!

Where do we put that?

Next, next. Come on, Sal.

Say it! Blue. Blue? What's blue?

What's wrong with blue? Blue!

Rings. Rings.

We need to check the rings, and I'm sure there'll be other things.

That rhymes.

Of course, we're here today to witness

the marriage of Claire Gilchrist and Ben Springett.

Ben, will you take Claire to be your wife?

I will.

Claire, will you take Ben to be your husband?

I will.

Now, it gives me great pleasure to declare that you are

husband and wife.

APPLAUSE

So, you were bridesmaids?

Yes, we were. At the serious wedding.

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

CHEERING

Can I just ask, you do know her, don't you?

You have met before?

You weren't at a bus stop and Miranda said, "I need a couple of people"?

So, Miranda, are you ready for this?

You have raised an extraordinary amount of money.

?1,140,615!

CHEERING

Thanks so much, thank you!

Thank you to all of you. Thanks to Miranda, Dawn and Jennifer.

This is a great moment also to thank all BBC radio stations

for all their amazing contributions.

Kiss the bride!

CHEERING

A huge thank you to all of you.

The miraculous and beautifully daft Miranda Hart there -

she can do no wrong.

Hats off to Lenny too for taking care of some stellar thank yous.

More later.

So as our darling boys from One Direction once said,

it's all the little things which add up and it couldn't be more true,

cos this year

you bought over six million red noses as well as taking part

in thousands of funny, challenging and daring fundraising activities.

We even saw the first Red Nose space race as it rocketed up to

over 100,000 feet!

Impressive.

Your money is really making a difference,

week by week and day by day,

right across the UK and Africa.

It's reversing the fortunes of so many people.

Thank you

We've come here today to have a look at what our money can do to help.

If the child had been vaccinated in time,

the child wouldn't have needed to be here in the first place.

This is why it's ridiculous, cos it only costs ?5.

This could prevent...

..this from happening, you know?

Just ?5, that's all you have to pay.

Sully is 15, Idris is 12 and this is their job.

They find wires, they burn the wires, they get copper out of that.

They sell the copper.

No-one deserves this. This is absolutely horrendous.

There is literally...

You name it, it is in here.

From human faeces, to syringes...

and, you know, it's just swamp.

This boy's been rushed in with a fever.

Do we know what's wrong with him?

We think he has malaria with severe anaemia.

Being honest with me, how ill is he?

He's very ill.

Sometimes, if they come in too late, even when you give them blood,

you are not able to save them.

He's too weak to even hold his own head up.

It's horrible to watch.

# Let me take you down Equality Street

# You never know the people you meet

# At the end of the street is a golden gate

# It let in love It don't let in hate, no

# Walk with me down Equality Street

# Do unto others and life is sweet

# Books have no covers Just look right in

# You're judged by your words not the colour of your skin

# Oh, dayo, dayo, dayo Me say dayo

# Biddly-biddly-biddly-biddly-biddly Biddly-bong, yo

# Yo, I'm like John Lennon

# Except I do imagine there's a heaven

# Somewhere everyone is welcome

# All my multicultural brethren

# Where hate is outdated

# Today, love's the word

# Even for people from Luxembourg

# Or maybe like some other countries that you might ignore

# Tonga, never thought of in my life before

# But if I met a guy from Tonga then we stop and we speak

# In fluent Tongalese on Equality Street

# Yep, acceptance, see that Kenyan guy with mental eyes

# He might be totally normal You can't generalise

# Black people aren't crazy Fat people aren't lazy

# And dwarfs aren't babies

# You can't just pick 'em up They got rights

# And anyway don't assume you could They're not light

# I learnt the hard way

# Don't give a damn if you're Russian or you're Spanish

# We're comrades, compadres

# You could be a half gay woman with a dark face

# One leg, no legs Long as you've got a heart

# Hey, transgender, gay, straight Lesbians, whatever, whoever

# Hey, mate, let's be friends We're just friends

# I want you to be where you're properly free

# Obviously, it's Equality Street Believe

# You know the deal there

# Everything is real fair

# Take a ride on my equal opportunity wheelchair, yeah

# Come with me down Equality Street

# You never know the people you meet

# At the end of the street is a golden gate

# It lets in love It don't let in hate, no

# Equality Street

# Equality Street

# Equality Street

# Biddly-biddly-biddly-biddly-biddly Biddly-bong, sweet. #

Biddly, biddly, biddly, bong, indeed.

Mr David Brent speaking for all of us there. At least, I think so.

Coming up, we'll be seeing the latest developments at the school

in Zambia which inspired our Hell and High Water heroes

through their epic adventure down the mighty Zambezi.

But first, in contrast to the thousands of you who got up

off your backsides and managed some truly great fundraising this year,

here's a man who managed it by doing the exact opposite -

it's Peter Kay...

and it's inspiring stuff.

VOICEOVER: Peter Kay is one of Bolton's funniest comedians

and not an athlete.

But he's about to embark on a challenge that will not only

change his life, but dozens of lives for ever.

Well, I've seen what David Walliams has done swimming the Channel

and the River Thames.

What Eddie Izzard's done, and John Bishop. It's been amazing.

And I thought, "What could I do? What do I do best?"

And the answer is, sit on me...

VOICEOVER: This is the story of his extraordinary journey.

CHRIS EVANS: And so it begins.

It's Monday morning and for Peter Kay,

the next five days are going to be literally hell on earth.

He's live in Belfast at the starting line of a monumental sit down

challenge for Comic Relief.

Can you hear me, Peter?

Loud and clear, Christopher.

Are you ready to travel from Belfast to London by couch?

Not by coach, by the way, by couch.

As ready as I'll ever be.

MUSIC: "Sit Down" by James

VOICEOVER: Peter makes his way towards the Irish coast,

where he's greeted by some surprise Olympic support.

They have the formidable task of transporting Peter

and his couch across the Irish Sea.

Heave. ALL: Ho!

Heave - that's it! Keep going. Heave. ALL: Ho!

Heave. ALL: Ho!

Heave. That's it, come on.

VOICEOVER: Preparation for Peter's sit down Comic Relief

challenge hasn't been easy.

WHISTLE

For the last week, he's embarked on a punishing daily regime...

..readying himself for the toughest journey of his life.

That's it. That's the stuff.

He's enlisted the help of ex-SAS fitness specialist

Sergeant Mike Collins...

What are you doing?!

..an expert in endurance training.

It'll be very tough indeed.

I don't think I've worked with anybody so determined.

I'm on a couch.

I was always athletic at school, yeah - sack race,

egg and spoon, so it was always on the cards, really.

You can't fight destiny.

Come on, we have to get you fit.

Fitter.

Just the main concerns - things like couch sores or pins and needles.

Or that silent killer that is trapped wind.

In an effort to test the elements for the typical British weather,

Mike increases the pressure on Peter's specialised booty camp.

Quicker! One.

I said one!

Move your fat arse!

I feel this is going to be the challenge of a lifetime.

I'll either come back an hero or a failure, but there's no going back.

VOICEOVER: Peter's arduous training has paid off, as he makes his

way down through southern Scotland on his mammoth sit down challenge.

Not long now.

People don't realise - it's tough.

It gets to you.

Mentally, it's hard, psychologically.

What I hope is, I don't get halfway through and give up.

I want to keep going.

I'm a sitter, not a quitter.

VOICEOVER: And support for Peter's sit down challenge

grows by the hour, as he makes his way across Britain.

Can't believe what he's doing, it's astonishing.

You just wouldn't think he had it in him.

Support's nice, isn't it?

Look at some of these I've had.

"You can straddle my sofa any time. Bernard."

How he can sit like that for so long, it beggars belief.

I thought the Olympians were impressive until I saw this.

That's it, put some in there.

Oh, I'm shattered, love.

Watch yourself, you'll go under me wheels, flower.

See ya!

VOICEOVER: With a punishing schedule ahead of him,

Peter is only allowed eight hours' sleep, before he's back.

Keep it straight, I'm trying to watch it.

No, no, up.

Bend back a bit.

Keep your back straight, man.

Where's the remote control?

Where's me remote control gone?

MUSIC: "Sit Down" by James

# Oh, sit down, oh, sit down Oh, sit down

# Sit down next to me

# Sit down, down, down, down, down

# In sympathy

# Oh, sit down, oh, sit down Oh, sit down

# Sit down next to me

# Sit down, down, down, down, down

# In sympathy, down. #

Let's be clear -

nothing has drawn me to this project, I don't want to go.

I'm a complete and utter novice.

Never been to Africa before so I don't really know what to expect.

How can I plump up my eyelashes here in the jungle?

MUSIC: "Sea Of Love" by Phil Phillips

You have given those children the world.

VOICEOVER: It's a dawn start for the team.

They're going to meet some of the children from nearby

Siandunda village.

The group are about to get a stark insight into just how tough

life can be for the children here.

They're joining the kids on their daily walk to school.

But this isn't the school run Phillips is used to

with his own children.

The only school here is a two-hour walk away.

It's a long trek - 7K - first thing in the morning.

But it's not just the distance that's so hard.

This area regularly floods from torrential rains.

When this path gets wet in the rainy season,

you got mud this deep.

So imagine a nine-year-old trying to walk through that pile of mud.

And worse than that, when the floods have been bad,

several children have been swept to their deaths.

Big problem today is animals - we got hippos, we got crocs.

It's quite scary.

If I ask you to get off the boat very, very fast,

please do it very, very fast.

Don't swim towards the bank with the trees, stay away from the trees.

Stay holding onto the raft.

If your foot's stuck underneath a rock, that's very, very bad.

This has got me absolutely terrified.

It's got potential for anything to happen.

What could possibly go wrong?

We've lost Phillips and Dara.

It's Fern, can you hear me? Over.

Have you found the guys?

They've gone.

What a nightmare.

It's all turned horrible.

Oh, my God.

One of the great parts of the challenge is

when we come together as a team, and I think now is... The next

challenge really is to make sure we don't see each other again.

I mean, it didn't need that, did it?

Look, we got it, we all swapped phone numbers and you gave us

Miranda's telephone number. I mean, I spent ages texting her.

I didn't mean to do that. I was, you know... Remember how hot it was?

Oh, I... I was dizzy by that, I was dizzy. It wasn't meant, obviously.

I'd swallowed a lot of water. Greg had taken his clothes off.

We didn't want to see that again. No, that's fair enough.

I was just in a bad space at that point, that's all it was.

Where's Phillips, anyway?

Phillips is genuinely away. He sends his love.

He was never committed, I felt, the whole time, don't you think?

Well, we are here for a reason today.

On Red Nose Day we found out they had raised enough money to build

the school in Siandunda, so shall we see how that's going? Yes.

So when we heard that there was a school coming,

people were filled with joy.

Since then, we've started the construction works

and everything seems to be on track.

Most of the people in the area or in the surrounding villages have

never been to school.

Simple reason is because there was no school nearby.

There are about three streams that they have to cross to go to the

nearest school and they have to wake up at 5am

to be in class by seven.

And then, if they're at school

and the rains come, they have to stay at school overnight without any food.

Can you imagine that?

But with this, they just have to walk for five minutes, maybe.

Because they are building a school in our village,

so we are able to go to school every day, every time.

This is going to be our classroom where I am going to teach maths,

English, science and geography.

As you can see, this place was just a bush.

But at the moment they've brought up something

which is going to bring knowledge.

We are expecting about 400 children to benefit from the school

from Siandunda and surrounding villages.

This is just at the beginning of the year.

I'm sure after they finish here, we expect a lot more children.

For me, I am very happy to be one of the teachers.

You know, I will be one of the best teachers at the school.

Thank you very much for the help given to the communities around.

Thank you for building a school in our village. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much. God bless you.

COCKEREL CROWS

That's fantastic, that's great,

because we were only there earlier this year.

The school is practically almost built

and a proper tangible effect on these kids' lives.

Only a quarter of them ever went to school

because of the two-hour walk there. That's all gone now.

The dangers of the floods, the dangers of the walk - all gone.

Yeah, what more can I say?

I really don't think there's anything more you can say.

Give it a rest, Jack, no-one's interested. You've done enough.

I was just going to say... No, just leave it. Just let it go, just let it go.

LENNY HENRY: Right now, Comic Relief funds 25 projects aiming to improve

access and quality of education for thousands of people.

Time now for a man who's passionate, funny

and quite frankly a Comic Relief legend.

But it's seemed this year like he had a few things to get off his chest.

It's always best to share than bottle up, isn't it?

But you start to wonder exactly how many bottles he had. It's Smithy.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Michael, who have you got?

What about you, sir? Hello. Hello. Hi.

And what's your name?

Um, my name's Neil but people call me Smithy.

Hello, Smithy. What have you done for Comic Relief this year?

Have you raised some money?

Um, yeah, no, me and a few of the boys, we did a great Essex bake off.

Good. What did you make? I just did some flapjacks.

No, I mean how much money did you make for Comic Relief?

Oh, we raised, like, 64 quid. Well, every little helps, I suppose.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes, that's good.

It's wonderful. Any amount raised is positive, well done.

Well, how much have you given? Sorry? Sorry? You heard. What?

How much have you given? Sorry?

Don't give me this, "Oh, I've given my time, I've waived my fee!" You're asking me for money.

You charged me ?35 to come and see you at the O2. Ten of us went.

By the way, it was brilliant but still,

35 quid to watch you on a big screen is a joke.

Great, well, you know what? Thank you...

No, no, I've had enough, get out of the way,

I've had enough of this, right? No, no!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

No, no, no, listen, right?

Every two years we get this. Every two years. It's worse now.

Comic Relief used to just be one night, it was a Friday night

which was fine, but now it starts, like, two months before!

Let's Dance for Comic Relief, let's not, yeah? LAUGHTER

Let's have a bit of self-respect. It's a joke. Celebrities dancing, they're not even celebrities.

Most of them are just people.

There's already a show where celebrities dance, it's called Strictly.

It's brilliant. Leave it at that. LAUGHTER

I don't really care about people canoeing down the Zambezi.

I mean, how hard is it?

It's basically a week with a Spice Girl in Center Parcs.

We're supposed to feel sorry for them! LAUGHTER

Comic Relief isn't about them, it's not about any of this.

It's not about celebrities and TV shows, it's about YOU. All of you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Every single one of you. You, you, you, you and you.

And you, it's all of you, you, you, you and you. And you.

And you and you and you and you.

Comic Relief is all about the people of Britain all doing their bit to make a difference.

It's about Susan, who abseiled down the side of her post office with no safety harness.

It's about David, who baked cupcakes and sold them on his front lawn.

And they're disgusting, but it's not the point.

It's not about cuddly toys or celebrities waterskiing,

it's about the money in your pocket.

It's the fiver which buys a malaria net which saves a kid's life.

BRASS BAND PLAYS Last year, this country, this beautiful country,

gave ?9.3 billion to charity.

Times couldn't be tougher, yet you all gave.

For 25 years you have all been giving, and tonight we need you to do it again.

We really do because if we don't, who will?

Yes, you, you on your sofa with your phone in your pocket

wondering whether to call or not.

Do it, do it now, don't wait, give what you can

because you are Comic Relief. You are the reason for it.

I know it's a bit ... sometimes.

It's not 25 years of making people laugh, you can fit all the actual

funny bits into about an hour, but that's not the point.

Don't do it because you want to see Gareth Malone make

a load of rugby players sing Abide With Me, don't do it

because five Olympians you've never heard of are doing The Full Monty.

Don't do it because Nick Knowles says he's going to put up a shed.

Do it because they need it. Do it because you care.

Do it because you can.

Remind yourself why we are proud to be British.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you! Thank you!

You are Comic Relief, you are Comic Relief!

So let's get another hit of festive thanks

in for more dazzling fundraisers. We get all sorts here, you know.

Hi, I'm Donna and along with my group of colleagues here,

we attempted the world's biggest Pilates class.

We had over 830 people but just missed out on the world record

but we raised over ?30,000 doing it.

DRUM ROLL Yeah!

BANG

Woo-hoo! Congratulations. Well done.

Keep doing your Pilates, you're brilliant.

We're part of a group of bloggers called Team Honk and for

Red Nose Day we climbed Mount Snowdon in red pants, visited Ghana,

cut off our hair, blogged and cycled to raise just under ?10,000.

DRUM ROLL Oh, God!

Congratulations. Brilliant. How brilliant was that?

There you go, this is for the two of you.

Did you actually wear the red pants and do the cycling? Yes!

Is that the pants? Yes, completely. That's disgraceful. Hang on, they have to go on my head.

They are clean. Well done, Team Honk. How brilliant. Thanks.

We've seen some very surprised faces here today.

Everyone's except mine, because I'm not surprised by how blooming brilliant you all are.

It's been a genuine treat putting a smile on the faces of so many fundraisers.

Goodness knows, they've done the same to so many people in projects across Africa and the UK this year.

You've always been there, thank you all so much.

Get your hand off my bum.

LAUGHTER

Another day in Africa and the truth is, it's difficult to make changes

but that's why I come here, so I can see with my own eyes

and report back to you some of the amazing individual

stories of lives utterly changed by your money.

Each story about each individual completely inspires me

to ask you to help us help even more.

But there is another story happening here in Africa

that it's really important Comic Relief tells you all about.

We're on the right side of history.

Things really are getting better in a huge way and mainly of course

because of the things Africans are doing for themselves.

Africa really is on the move.

40 million more children are in school since the year 2,000.

Since 1990, 1.8 billion people have got access to safe drinking water,

saving millions of lives from waterborne diseases.

The number of women dying in childbirth has fallen by one third.

From almost none a decade ago,

there are now half a billion mobile phones in Africa.

Every year there are more and more young Africans

transforming their own society as teachers, businessmen and women,

health workers, technicians, builders, politicians.

The list goes on.

You get the picture. It's a picture of change and progress.

If you've ever denoted to Comic Relief,

you are part of that picture.

Now, on Red Nose night we show you a lot of people

who are still in need. We have to.

It's our job to tell you their stories because they are real

and still need help. We need you to care and donate as much as you can. But know this.

While so much good is being done with your money every single

day of the year, the big future of Africa is changing day by day

and it's usually for the better.

We are part of a generation that will see that change happen.

WOMAN GROANS Morning, morning, morning.

Hello, maternity assessment. Midwife.

Every minute... TICKING

..of every hour of every day...

That's what we want.

We keep calm and eat cake. ..a baby is born in Britain.

Just get someone. Sh-sh. Just call the midwife!

BUZZER

JOLLY MUSIC PLAYS

Gosh, terribly sorry. The stairs were a bally nightmare.

Don't fret, we're here.

We'll chop chop with a piping-hot enema and some nice cold towels.

Chop chop, Chummy. Chop chop.

One knows it will be splendid and tickety-boo and tippety-top,

tippety-toppety splendidly tickety-boo.

Who are you? What are you saying?

It's reassuring posh '50s speak.

It's worked really well for all of my births.

Tony, call a proper midwife.

BUZZER

Are these two not helping? Leave it to me. I'm the lead.

We just need a roaring coal fire and a lovely cup of tea made by a kindly neighbour.

Don't worry, everyone, I've brought tea. How could we forget tea?

I must eat in most scenes. I want an epidural.

I've only got carrot cake and a couple of eclairs, I'm afraid, Betty.

I think something's wrong. Dramatic twist possibility.

It's got BAFTA all over it.

It seems to me, gazing back across the decades,

that my journey into womanhood began on the streets of...

Not now, Vanessa Redgrave.

What's going on? Listen, sir, er, old chap. Who are you, anyway?

And besides, I'm a woman.

SHE LAUGHS Don't be silly.

You're being paid and wearing trousers.

Come and sit down, have a cup of tea.

Right, I want a doctor and I want one now.

BUZZER

"DOCTOR WHO" THEME MUSIC PLAYS

It's OK, chaps, I'm here. Oh, for goodness' sake.

Hey, nuns and midwives. Smashing. Oh, yes, Evangelina.

Since when you did you become a nun? Right, concentrate, Doctor, get a grip.

Right, Dawn, I'm here to tell you that in precisely seven minutes

and 12.06 seconds you will give birth to twins.

You will call them Jonathan and Edward and individually they will

be lovely, healthy children but combined, they will form

a being scary than a weeping angel, a creation more terrifying than

a Cyberman and a monstrosity more vocally annoying than a Dalek.

It is imperative they are kept apart because otherwise, otherwise...

They will become... DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

..Jedward.

ALL: No!

You know what they say - as one thing ends something else beautiful begins,

and that means Sport Relief 2014 is only just round the corner.

You may remember the Herculean efforts of David Walliams

conquering 140 miles of the Thames, or John Bishop

and his incredible journey from Paris to London in a week of hell.

Now, you needn't go to such extremes

but you can take part by entering the fantastic Sport Relief Games.

Run, swim or cycle in events taking place all over the UK, including

the flagship event at London's iconic Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park.

Sport Relief weekend is from 21st to 23rd of March next year.

Go to...

to find out more.

We know you're up to the challenge, just like you were this Red Nose Day,

so get stuck in.

But above and beyond the staggering millions you raised this year,

it's actually the single contribution that every one of you has made

that means so much, and the direct impact that

has on the life of another person you've not even met.

But for me what lingers still is the never-ending echo of screams

that fill my head.

From the best fans of the best band in the world, it's One Direction.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# One way or another I'm gonna find you

# I'm gonna get you, get you Get you, get you

# One way or another I'm gonna win you

# I'm gonna get you, get you Get you, get you

# One way or another I'm gonna see you

# I'm gonna meet you, meet you Meet you, meet you

# One day, maybe next week

# I'm gonna meet you I'm gonna meet you, I'll meet you

# I will drive past your house

# And if the lights are all down

# I'll see who's around

# Let's go

# One way or another I'm gonna find you

# I'm gonna get you, get you Get you, get you

# One way or another I'm gonna win you

# I'll get you, I'll get you

# One way or another I'm gonna see you

# I'm gonna meet you, meet you Meet you, meet you

# One day, maybe next week

# I'm gonna meet you, I'll meet you I'll meet you

# And if the lights are all out

# I'll follow your bus downtown

# See who's hanging out. #

Comic Relief, are you ready?

# Two, three, four

# Na, na, na, na, na, na Na, na, na, na, na, na

# Na, na, na, na, na, na

# I wanna hold you Wanna hold you tight

# Yeah, teenage kicks right through the night

# I wanna hold you Wanna hold you tight

# Yeah, teenage kicks right through the night

# One way or another I'm gonna see you

# I'm gonna meet you, meet you Meet you, meet you

# One way or another I'm gonna win you

# I'm gonna get you, get you, Get you, get you

# One way or another I'm gonna see you

# I'm gonna meet you Meet you, meet you, meet you

# One way or another I'm gonna win you

# I'm gonna get you, get you Get you, get you

# One way or another I'm gonna see you

# I'm gonna meet you Meet you, meet you, meet you

# One way or another I'm gonna win you

# I wanna get you, get you Get you, get you

# One way or another. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You've all been part of another record-breaking year

and capped an incredible 25 years of fundraising, so we doff our caps

to you and say a big thank you for watching and of course for giving.