Graham Norton's Big Chat Live Comic Relief


Graham Norton's Big Chat Live

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Transcript


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Good evening, good evening, and welcome back to Red Nose Day

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I feel a bit like when you book a budget airline to Rome and you get

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there and think, this is Rome? Yes, this is the O2! Anyway, not what you

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were expecting. And just when you thought your

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Friday night couldn't get any more exciting I'm here with a very

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special chat show where I'll be attempting to fill the longest sofa

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in history with more amazing celebrities than you

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can shake a stick at! What they have done with cushions is

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really special! So, what a night of

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fundraising it's been! First I need to say

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a huge thank you to Greg It's been a real treat seeing a full

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moon over the O2 tonight. Now to kick things off I need

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to remind you why we're doing We need your money, more than ever

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to help people in the UK As it's a special show we're lucky

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enough to have two of the countries No, that's not happening, is it?

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That has gone. Let's get some guests on. It is chaos back there. There

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are so many guests. I will yell out names, and if they come on, it has

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gone very well. Let's get cracking. We have got Gordon Ramsay, Martine

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McCutcheon, Sir Lenny Henry. Jessica Hynes. Hello. Hello, hello. Now,

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this is five people. You can see how far we have to go with this. Welcome

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to you all. You have done all of the W 18 trailers for Comic Relief.

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Many, you have done so much over the years. You did a big gig in

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Birmingham this year. Yes, it was fantastic, with all the new comedian

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-- comedians. And we saw you in Love Actually. Gordon, what have you done

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this year? Lots. Quite a lot. Yesterday we shopped a new advert.

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And always supporting Comic Relief. There is also a swearing app. You

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could have downloaded that and cancel third World debt in a month.

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Gordon Ramsay, ladies and gentlemen, has a new show on ITV. What's that?

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Culinary genius. What? Culinary genius.

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How do you pronounce that? When you do it now, because you are rich and

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successful, do you get a moment when you fear that you might be very

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mellow? Graham, hang on. Could you shut up over there, please. It's

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really noisy. Shut up. Lenny... You have to be quiet. We are trying to

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make television over here. Shut up. The funny thing is, Lenny, those are

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the guests. , Right. That's 30 drunk celebrities. Sorry, darlings. I

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don't mean it at all. Carry on. Martine, do you like cooking? Gordon

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tried to teach me but I was useless so he gave up. Really? Yes, it

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didn't go down too well but we got there. Love Actually, were you

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surprised to find yourself still married to Hugh Grant? No, I always

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hoped they would live happily ever after. So I was glad that they did.

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I wanted them to be together and happy. Where you fearful when you

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got the call? No. I was really excited. I knew that whatever

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Richard did would be amazing and the fact that it was for Comic Relief, a

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great cause, and to see gorgeous Hugh Grant again, it is a tough job

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but someone has to do it. But no tongues this time. Were you not

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tempted? I tried. I said, I think they should snog. Never mind. It is

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so weird seeing you, Lenny, because I saw you earlier... I have been

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here all might! I saw you earlier and it was Broadchurch Lenny. We are

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so used to cuddly, lovely Lenny, and then he possibly has done terrible

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things. I can't say anything about the show. You are so good in the

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show. So good. Is it hard to come from something like that and do the

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glee club in Birmingham? Yes, it was weird. When you are in Broadchurch,

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David and Olivia do everything, every day, lots of dialogue. You

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come in for two days, do your bit and split. Is that how you did it on

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the show? Have you not seen it, he is very camp. Richard said, would

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you go to Birmingham and do a set at the glee club and I said, OK. I had

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not done a set for ages but it was really good fun. We had new, young

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comedians, incredibly talented and I was the compere. I really loved it,

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really enjoyed it. I am not sure I would want to do it again any time

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soon but it was a really enjoyable might. We must talk about your show,

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which is coming back. We love it. Because the two of view, you know,

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Jessica I have no knew of old. I have never met you. I meet you and I

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assume you are stupid. I am sure you are not. No, I am a genius. It must

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happen all the time that people talk to you slowly and do not trust you

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to do anything. Yes, which I appreciate. Does it happen to you?

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Do you end up using the perfect curve language? I try not to. If I

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slip into it, I stop myself because it feels weird to do that. You don't

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want to do that. But if people think of you as a character, they look at

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you in a funny way, like you are the character. But you did do something

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that was quite like your character. When was the incident with Anna

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Cornick over in Eastbourne? I thought you were talking to me. Can

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you hear me? I think by the end of this I will not be able to hear

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people down there. Anyway, keep going. Anecdote alert, go. This has

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been blown out of proportion. It was not actually something I did. When

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you say blown up, you mean it is a lie. Is, she played tennis. Near

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where I went to school. It was where we smoked, on the tennis courts, and

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someone went to try and woo her via playing the song to the music video

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she was doing with Enrique Cerezo Scott and her mum got angry because

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she was training. But you did show up? I did.

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And if seeing Red Nose Day Actually has made you want to watch

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the original movie, well great news - if you purchase Love Actually

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on iTunes this weekend, Apple and Universal have agreed that

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all profits from the downloads will go to Comic Relief.

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There are plenty more guests waiting to join me out

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here but first up David Walliams, who is going toe to toe

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Today, we meet a TV presenter who claims his rival is stealing

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When is this godforsaken show of yours, Caught Red Handed, on?

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The problem is, more people are watching this smug git

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on ITV and the only reason for that is because he shouts

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at his guests to try and get more viewers.

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I think it's high time we met this turd.

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Bog off, like I shout at people to get more viewers.

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Sit down and shut up, you sweaty BLEEP.

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What have you got to say for yourself?

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Well, I'm doing one, I'm not bothered.

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Earlier today, we sent Jeremy Kyle here to do a lie detector test.

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We asked him "Do you just shout at your guests to get viewers?"

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I've never shouted at anybody on my show to get viewers!

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Do you want Steve here to pull down your trousers and pants

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We also sent Jeremy here for a DNA test.

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The test has proved, without a shadow of a doubt...

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You have got to stop looking like a shrunken Matt Lucas.

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And you need to stop shouting at people on TV.

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I'm not going to shout at people any more.

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That's what I'm going to do, I'm going to yell.

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So you with your wig and you, you baldy, you can get off.

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If you've been affected by the issues in this show,

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just grow up and don't be such a crybaby.

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Wow. Slightly creepy at the end, there. Still plenty of room on my

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sofa, please welcome Cara Delevingne, Matt Lucas, Warren Davis

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and Jonathan Ross. Hello. Hello. Please sit down. Nice

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to see you, nice to see you. Jonathan, hello. Phoebe, high. Hi,

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hi. Everybody knows everybody. You work in three back together? Indeed.

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And you know each other? Yes. In prison? Why was it like that. Just

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hanging out. Hanging out. OK. How are you? Very good, thank you.

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Jonathan, I have never interviewed you. It is an honour to be on the

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couch on what is widely regarded as the second best talk show in

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England. Lovely to be here. The nightly show is excellent, I agree

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with you. Good luck, Gordon. Start Monday. You're doing it Monday?

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Can't wait. It without me get over this. Warwick, are you working with

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Phoebe? No. But you are working in the same world? And Tallulah, Star

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Wars is the world. You are back in Star Wars. I first did Star Wars

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when I was 11. It celebrates its 40th anniversary this year. I did

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Return Of The Jedi, episode one, episode seven and episode eight. You

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are in this new one? Which one are you talking about, eight? The one

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that isn't out yet. That's eight. He's a real stickler for the

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numbers. Phoebe, you are in the spin off? Yes, the Hans Solo spin off.

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Who are you in that? I don't know. Chewbacca? I don't know. You are

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very tall. Matt Lucas, Ayew the new Doctor Who assistant? Yes, I am one

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of the two assistants for the new season. That's so exciting. I've

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been here since June doing that. I was filming in Abergavenny today. Is

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this bad timing? He is leaving. He didn't like working with me. Do you

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stay when he shuffles off? I'm not at liberty to say anything. They

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will chop my hands off if I say anything, they are very strict in

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Doctor Who. I can fly the Tardis, did you know? In the Hans Solo thing

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you are in, people say they cannot reveal the secret, what actually

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happens if you just said what's in it? Shall we find out? Yeah, do it.

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No, I'm terrified, I'm really quite scared. Phoebe, when you are writing

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feedback, you wrote it in three weeks, you just kind of did it. The

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play, the one-woman show, yes, but the series took a lot longer. That's

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interesting, I thought when you read the series you wrote it thinking

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I'll never have to do this stuff. It sort of was the case for the play

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anyway, I thought nobody would come and hear me say this. So I thought

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it would be safe enough to do it. Apparently that's the way to get

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people to come, say things that people don't expect you to say. Or

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do. Because we saw it. But there's more, isn't there? Well hopefully,

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yes. In terms of embarrassment threshold, Cara Delevingne, I think

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your embarrassment threshold is quite high. Why? I'm quite nervous

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right now. We were talking earlier about having six on a plane. As you

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have, clearly. Oddly I have. Let's talk about that. If it's just with

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yourself it doesn't count. But if that doesn't count my life is

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meaningless. Anyone else, anyone else? Have you done it, well done.

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I've not even had six but I hear it's wonderful. You were doing it

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and then a man was watching you? My father is here to night. I was very

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worried for a moment, then. Someone was watching you on the plane? The

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pilot? No. Yeah, I don't even know how to start the story. Were you in

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the toilets? Why are you telling everyone now? I'm sorry, we hadn't

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announced it. I thought it was the time with me? We were both watching.

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I like the idea that rather than being embarrassed, you complain

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someone was watching you. Yes, of course, it was disgusting. I

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thought, what is this pervert doing? Whereabouts in the cabin did it take

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place? Right in the middle. In the galley? In the seat. We are going to

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ask you to perform in a different nature tonight. This is chat show

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gold. You have a very special skill. This is all I do on chat shows.

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Don't worry, it's not like Big Brother, it's totally different.

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What is your special trick can you do it? So basically I'm going to try

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and attempt to do this. If anybody wants to try I'd really enjoy it

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because I'm probably going to fail. What's it called? It has no name.

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You can name it if you want. Here we go. This is Cara Delevingne doing

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something. O God. Imagine we are on the plane. I learnt this on the

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plane as well. Ooh. The concentration is way too intense.

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She's getting back up. Ooh. Well done. Anyone else want to go? Now.

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We've got a film from one of all of our great heroes.

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This is perhaps, in a slightly strange way, my favourite

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Well, I'm back on Comic Relief, and what a journey it's been.

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I started 30 years ago, a youngish man with a lush coloured

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Today, ladies and gentlemen, I finished my first novel.

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It's taken me a long time to read a book, but there you go.

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I seem to remember I cracked a joke or two, then I went to Mozambique.

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Quite fun there as well, but I saw some terrible things too.

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Standing beside me just now, this is Sophia.

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Just over a year ago she was playing in a field with her sister.

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She jumped over a wall and landed on a landmine.

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It blew up, Sophia lost her legs and her sister lost her life.

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And I was glad to do my bit just to pass on to the British public

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what it was actually like in tough places like that.

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I went back there again a few years later, and saw the amazing

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That girl being reunited with her dad for a day.

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And then, of course, I made a bloody fool of myself

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running naked around Piccadilly Circus.

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I think it made a million quid, but who knows?

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I certainly frighten some poor, innocent pedestrians.

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Worst hospital I've ever seen, tough things there.

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Would you like a wee glimpse of hell?

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But I don't know if I would ever have guessed this, the latest

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So it is time for me to bring it home, and ask you to spare

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a few quid for the work you and Comic Relief

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I'm not young myself, so let me seem a bit selfish and say

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it would be great if you could give it a bit of thought,

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Life can get very hard for old people, they're not well

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It's an amazing thing Red Nose night.

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The utter generosity changing the lives of millions of strangers,

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If you got some spare cash, spirit for someone not very

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different from your granny or your grandfather.

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God bless, I'll be back later because if you don't

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give ?1 million, I'm going to take my clothes off again

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I'm very proud of the stuff we've done together.

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Huge thank you to Billy. Comic relief support amazing work in this

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country that transforms the lives of older people, people in trouble at

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all stages of life. If you haven't given yet, listen to that wonderful

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man who has been helping Comic Relief for 30 years and give a few

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quid. We can't go any further without

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finding out the answer to the one question this evening that has had

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people arguing up and down the country. I've become strangely

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involved. I didn't think I would care but I do. We are going to find

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out the winner of the World Cup of biscuits.

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Hello. Ooh. This is nice. You're very welcome. Were you all watching?

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Of course we were. I missed the beginning, was a chocolate hobnob in

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at any time? Yes. And it didn't win? It was beaten by the chocolate

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digestive. That's madness. Chocolate digestive was a finalist. Milk

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chocolate hobnob can't be beaten, really. Did you vote? In fairness I

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didn't. Then it is your fault. That has happened to me before. By the

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way, what was your job? How dare you? What? In the judging? Putting

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one on a wall chart, thank you very much in a beautiful manner. You did

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it literally perfectly. You had a nice overall. I had a tabard, a Red

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Nose Day Tabard. I had heard Steph Strudwick I was feeding and watering

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everybody. -- I had a hostess trolley. I didn't know anything

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about this, but I have eaten a lot of biscuits. What's your favourite

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biscuit? I will go with the orange viscount today. I say orange

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viscount. O do pipe down. This is like a coach trip. As the only chef

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here, what's your favourite biscuit? Fig rolls. Oh no! Out of context.

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Blue. People are cancelling reservations now. So the final was?

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Chocolate digestive is against chocolate fingers. OK, and you are

:28:47.:28:50.

going to reveal the winner, I believe? If you would like me to. Do

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we want to hear the winner? Was it close? I don't want to get all

:28:57.:29:07.

Brexit on your as but it was 52-48. You want to know? The winner of the

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World Cup of biscuits this 2070 was...

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You will find out after the break. No, we are on BBC One, don't panic.

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The winner of the World Cup of Biscuits 2017 was chocolate

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digestives! Are you happy with that? Very happy. Have we mentioned

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Miranda's book, which is still for sale? All proceeds go to Comic

:29:48.:29:54.

Relief. It is a lovely idea. It is nice things in your average day. I

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am proud of it. I am going to do some countercultural

:30:03.:30:05.

self-congratulation. I like January 14, singing, but not standard

:30:06.:30:10.

singing. I think that one is to sing out of tune. Put on a song and sing

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out of tune. It is good fun. They are fun tasks to do everyday to make

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yourself feel better, more jolly, less anxious and stressed. And

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singing out of tune is a hoot. You seem ever so cheerful so it is

:30:29.:30:34.

obviously working. I wonder what that must sound like. Do a bit. Sing

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out of June? I tried total eclipse of the heart the other day.

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# Total eclipse of the heart # And I need you now tonight

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# And I need you more than ever # And I'll only hold you tight

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# We'll be holding on forever

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# Ferrer via's going to start and night

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# Once upon a time I was... # Now there's only... We are

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stopping. He got carried away, he was enjoying it. We are going to

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continue with the food theme. We had biscuits but now we welcome two men

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who have literally raised a lot of dough, Micky Flanagan and Joe

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Lycett. APPLAUSE

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Hello. Hello. Come in and sit down. Micky

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Flanagan, Joe Lycett. Sit, sit down. Can I sit there? No com you cannot.

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Was that meant to be a crop top? No, but it got hot. You were really

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working in a pizza kitchen. Yes, I understand why he swears so much. It

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was infuriating. People were sending stuff back. It wasn't cooked.

:32:30.:32:36.

Sometimes in a rush, who wants to cook things? You were front of

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house. I am livid with Micky Flanagan. He wasted our time. Did he

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embarrass you? He embarrassed me. It is sleeveless as well. Calm

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yourselves, everybody. How were you raising money? Trying to get

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donations for the good work we were doing from the people in the

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restaurant. We didn't get loads, did we, Micky? How much was it? I got

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two cubes in someone's pizza and they kicked off, because they wanted

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more. Did people not see the funny side? Everyone was very nice, but

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they were obviously poor. Poor and annoyed. Do you have a grand total?

:33:33.:33:39.

Yes, it is all in this bucket, so it is obviously a lot. The pizza Comic

:33:40.:33:48.

Relief challenge 2017 has raised... ?385. -- ?375. And 19p. I put that

:33:49.:34:09.

in. That T-shirt on eBay will sell for a lot. If I get it nice and

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sweaty. My pants are going on as well. She wants it.

:34:16.:34:22.

when the biggest musician in the world met the biggest

:34:23.:34:25.

Ladies and gentleman it's the very special People Just Do Nothing.

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Today, I've set Kurupt FM up with one of their first

:34:29.:34:35.

It's so top secret, they don't even bloody know who it is.

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But we know it's definitely going to be an award-winning artist, right?

:34:40.:34:42.

Well, let's just say it's one of the biggest

:34:43.:34:44.

We could do a Godfather and Godfather back to back.

:34:45.:34:54.

You don't need to play instruments these days to make music.

:34:55.:35:06.

Like, you can literally play a keyboard with one finger

:35:07.:35:10.

for 30 minutes and you've got a banger.

:35:11.:35:12.

So I'm a big fan of People Just Do Nothing.

:35:13.:35:35.

we are going to need some drinks laid out.

:35:36.:35:41.

Got some big artist coming in very soon,

:35:42.:35:45.

so if we could do that really quickly and then

:35:46.:35:47.

No, no, no, guys, don't you know who this is?

:35:48.:35:53.

You said it was going to be one of the biggest

:35:54.:36:07.

Basically, I Photoshopped our Twitter page to make it look

:36:08.:36:36.

like we have 34 million followers instead of 34, yeah?

:36:37.:36:39.

Richard Curtis called me up and was like,

:36:40.:36:46.

# We could change this whole world with a piano.

:36:47.:36:54.

# Grab a bass, some guitar, add a beat and away we go.

:36:55.:36:58.

# I'm just a boy with a one man show....

:36:59.:37:05.

# I'll be sitting here with a song that I wrote.

:37:06.:37:15.

# Saying love can change the world in a moment, but what do I know?

:37:16.:37:21.

If I'm being honest, mate, it's a bit depressing.

:37:22.:37:25.

Right, I'm just trying to think of a way to make it less shit.

:37:26.:37:31.

What if it had more of a sort of message to it?

:37:32.:37:34.

Well, I mean, that's the kind of point of the song.

:37:35.:37:37.

Yeah, love's going to change the world.

:37:38.:37:38.

Garage is going to change the world, with a bass line?

:37:39.:37:44.

Or if the song was about bringing garage to Africa?

:37:45.:37:49.

That's what I was just about to think of.

:37:50.:37:53.

I don't know if the continent of Africa knows or cares about garage.

:37:54.:37:58.

Oh, well, maybe that's part of the problem, then, Ed.

:37:59.:38:00.

Always the same drums, Decoy, that's what garage is about.

:38:01.:38:10.

Just saying, you must be smashing it with the ladies, getting loads of...

:38:11.:38:26.

No, cos the ginger thing's really working.

:38:27.:38:34.

I was thinking of maybe dyeing my 'tache ginger.

:38:35.:38:36.

# We could change this whole world with a piano.

:38:37.:38:55.

# We could change this whole world...

:38:56.:39:08.

Right, probably still need to chop that up to make it sound

:39:09.:39:21.

# I'll be sitting here with a song that I wrote

:39:22.:39:24.

# Song that I wrote, song that I wrote...

:39:25.:39:27.

Make sure you've got a good drop as well.

:39:28.:39:29.

It's a little musical thing you probably haven't come across

:39:30.:39:37.

That's your target audience, the raver.

:39:38.:39:44.

I thought your target audience was Africa.

:39:45.:39:45.

Why don't you leave it to the professionals, Ed?

:39:46.:39:50.

Why don't you go outside and let us crack on?

:39:51.:39:54.

I've got a cold sore, but we can just do blowbacks.

:39:55.:40:01.

Do you think garage can change the world?

:40:02.:40:05.

I don't think we need to change the world.

:40:06.:40:07.

I think we need to make music saying that we're going

:40:08.:40:10.

to change the world, you know what I mean?

:40:11.:40:12.

We're not going to fucking do anything.

:40:13.:40:14.

But I'm going to let people hear it and be like, rar.

:40:15.:40:20.

If they wanted to, they could change the world.

:40:21.:40:22.

People ? just do something and put your hands

:40:23.:40:39.

together for Kurupt FM and, it's only bloody Ed Sheeran.

:40:40.:41:13.

City yourselves down, sit yourself down. Pile in. -- sit yourselves

:41:14.:41:25.

down. They love you. I know this is chaos. Just a bit further. Use it on

:41:26.:41:34.

the table. I'm easy. Don't look over my wine. Then I will lose my temper.

:41:35.:41:39.

We love to seeing the documentary of you and Ed Sheeran. You were not

:41:40.:41:48.

that familiar with him. No. Was he a fan of yours? Big-time. It's

:41:49.:41:55.

obvious, isn't it? It is good for him because he got inspired, and we

:41:56.:41:59.

helped him because he came with his weird... He didn't have any drums on

:42:00.:42:05.

his music before so we thought we would put a Garrard -ish beat on it.

:42:06.:42:14.

He was lovely but very needy. Was it you that inspired a song for him?

:42:15.:42:22.

This is another thing about him being needy. His song, shape of

:42:23.:42:29.

view, it is a good song, but he was calling out the manager. It was a

:42:30.:42:35.

bit needy. Chill out, mate. Here is the thing. Crime is your... That is

:42:36.:42:46.

where Grimes stemmed from. Miranda Hart is about to be in a musical.

:42:47.:42:55.

That's true. Are there any beats or anything you could teach Miranda to

:42:56.:43:00.

help her? It's about children so she has to be down with the kids. Yes,

:43:01.:43:07.

it is Annie, a family show, and I feel this would work really well.

:43:08.:43:14.

You have to do the one Lakes gang. Put one leg in the air and go like

:43:15.:43:22.

that. I do that quite a lot anyway. One of the dancers is the gun

:43:23.:43:27.

finger. Don't get worried, it's not violent. Yes, yes.

:43:28.:43:41.

Locks to work with, Miranda. On my last night, I will put that in, I

:43:42.:43:51.

promise. Say my name when you do it, I invented it. She knows who I am.

:43:52.:44:01.

You have done a video with Ed Sheeran which has not been seen yet.

:44:02.:44:08.

A world exclusive on your show. You are welcome. I got a sneaky peek and

:44:09.:44:16.

it is genius. It is beautiful on so many levels. It is a blockbuster,

:44:17.:44:24.

with so many effects. There is a glimpse. That is special. What we

:44:25.:44:31.

are trying to say is that... Ed Sheeran is loving it. You can get a

:44:32.:44:38.

green screen and make your own little thing. The thing is, if my

:44:39.:44:45.

lyrics will help to change the world, so be it. I don't want a

:44:46.:44:50.

thank you or anything. Just buy me a beer when you see me. If I am happy

:44:51.:44:56.

with the amount we have raised in the next hour, we will give everyone

:44:57.:44:59.

at home that exclusive world premiere. Get text in, because you

:45:00.:45:06.

don't want to miss it. It is really genius. It could give Amarillo a run

:45:07.:45:17.

for its money. What is Amarillo? This is the weird thing about

:45:18.:45:21.

tonight, one minute it is funny and then it is serious. This next film

:45:22.:45:26.

is tough, but it does show why we are here.

:45:27.:45:31.

It's 9am, and it's already getting busy in the children's ward at this

:45:32.:45:34.

It's a worrying time for mums and dads, but

:45:35.:45:44.

thankfully the majority of these little ones will make a full

:45:45.:45:46.

And their parents will get to see their babies grow up into

:45:47.:45:58.

But for some very sick children, often the

:45:59.:46:01.

ones from the poorest homes, this is only the beginning of the

:46:02.:46:04.

And one of the scariest conditions they face is pneumonia.

:46:05.:46:17.

This is Joffrey, and he is five months old.

:46:18.:46:19.

Joffrey has already had a tough start in life.

:46:20.:46:21.

He was born with malformed limbs, and his mum, Rosemary,

:46:22.:46:24.

Joffrey has been admitted with severe pneumonia.

:46:25.:46:37.

He wasn't vaccinated, and because of that,

:46:38.:46:39.

Vaccines that stop children dying unnecessarily can

:46:40.:46:46.

But every day, this ward sees a wave of new cases.

:46:47.:47:03.

Joffrey's tiny lungs filling with fluid, he is too weak

:47:04.:47:05.

He needs oxygen but he is so small, it's hard to fix

:47:06.:47:10.

Children with pneumonia never stop arriving.

:47:11.:47:19.

And as the day draws on, Joffrey's condition is not improving.

:47:20.:47:26.

He needs every ounce of strength to fight the pneumonia.

:47:27.:47:31.

But he is so frail now, it is hard for him to swallow.

:47:32.:47:36.

The awful truth is that this could have been prevented.

:47:37.:47:42.

With every breath, Joffrey is fighting for his life.

:47:43.:47:44.

With every moment that passes, all his mum can do is hope.

:47:45.:48:24.

A lot of issues raised to are highly complicated but this is a simple

:48:25.:48:41.

truth, vaccinations saves lives. Vaccinations that

:48:42.:48:46.

cost as little as ?5. It would be wonderful

:48:47.:48:48.

if you could ring, go online, or text -

:48:49.:48:49.

and save someone's life tonight,

:48:50.:48:56.

while London Grammar are singing this beautiful song -

:48:57.:48:58.

"Truth Is A Beautiful Thing". # To hold your heart,

:48:59.:49:18.

to hold your hand # Could you take my

:49:19.:49:49.

place and stand here? # I do not think

:49:50.:50:07.

you'd take this pain # You'll be on your knees

:50:08.:50:14.

and struggle under the weight # Oh, the truth would

:50:15.:50:22.

be a beautiful thing # Deep in my call you

:50:23.:50:29.

know you have a throne # To hold your heart,

:50:30.:51:10.

to hold your hand # Could you take my

:51:11.:51:24.

place and stand here? # I don't think

:51:25.:51:32.

you'll take this pain # You'll be on your knees

:51:33.:51:40.

and struggle under the weight # Oh, the truth would

:51:41.:51:43.

be a beautiful thing # Oh, the truth is

:51:44.:51:49.

a beautiful thing #. Thank you so much, the amazing

:51:50.:52:31.

Right, if you've just given ? thank you so much.

:52:32.:52:35.

Can I try to convince you that this is the moment to give?

:52:36.:52:40.

Here's the thing ? every two minutes a child dies in Africa

:52:41.:52:44.

from entirely preventable diseases and we're

:52:45.:52:49.

working to defeat that by buying lifesaving

:52:50.:52:51.

vaccines with the excellent help of the excellent

:52:52.:52:53.

Global Fund and GAVI - the Vaccine Alliance.

:52:54.:52:58.

And the amazing news is that The Bill and Melinda

:52:59.:53:02.

Gates Foundation are going to double any money

:53:03.:53:06.

we give to fighting malaria and buying vaccines

:53:07.:53:08.

Just think about what that means, OK?

:53:09.:53:19.

We think we're going to raise ?7 million

:53:20.:53:20.

for this stuff, and if we do, they're going to

:53:21.:53:23.

If you give ?10 quid ? Bill makes it ?20.

:53:24.:53:26.

If you give twenty ? Melinda makes it ?40.

:53:27.:53:33.

So please ? give now ? or at least before the end

:53:34.:53:39.

And in return we'll do our best to give

:53:40.:53:42.

And even if you're not enjoying yourself we

:53:43.:53:45.

Time for a load more guests. Move down. Sit in there. Move down, move

:53:46.:54:02.

down. Welcome. Please find your seats as

:54:03.:54:35.

quickly as possible, thank you. Put your bags in the overhead locker.

:54:36.:54:40.

There you go. I am really a glorified air hostess. We've got so

:54:41.:54:46.

many people still to come. Hello Gordon, Martine, Lenny! Hey

:54:47.:54:54.

everybody, how are you? Who just arrived? You are the newbies. We saw

:54:55.:55:07.

you earlier, Romesh. Jonathan, you were hosting, weren't you? There is

:55:08.:55:15.

a satellite delay going on. It was a chocolate by just did! You were

:55:16.:55:22.

hosting earlier? I enjoyed meeting his mum very much, I prefer her to

:55:23.:55:30.

her son. But you revealed some man on man action, Romesh? My first kiss

:55:31.:55:34.

was with a bloke, and my mum didn't know that. It was a one-off thing

:55:35.:55:39.

and the guy didn't call again. I sort of wanted to draw a line under

:55:40.:55:43.

it to be honest. What did your mother reveal about herself? She

:55:44.:55:48.

revealed that one might just after she got married she went out with my

:55:49.:55:52.

dad, they went to a party, she saw my dad talking to another woman, and

:55:53.:55:56.

in a fit of jealousy she used his toothbrush to clean the entire

:55:57.:56:01.

house. Without him knowing, obviously otherwise it's not that

:56:02.:56:05.

good a prank. Cara Delevingne, sits down. You sit down! What if I hit

:56:06.:56:19.

you from here? Snakes on a plane? Rupert, you are very welcome. This

:56:20.:56:25.

is his first appearance at Comic Relief synths, I believe, 2009? Yes,

:56:26.:56:29.

funnily enough, I never thought I'd be invited again. I was in Comic

:56:30.:56:36.

Relief four, we did this whole thing. The apprentice? The

:56:37.:56:40.

apprentice, yes. Were you in it, Jonathan? Were you asking me another

:56:41.:56:47.

question? What was that? Were you in the same apprentice as Rupert? I'd

:56:48.:56:52.

like to think so. He wasn't. I wasn't, I was with Jack Dee and

:56:53.:56:58.

various other people. I wasn't even in the one I was in. You walked out.

:56:59.:57:04.

I did. Is it true you did not know who Alan Sugar was? I hadn't been in

:57:05.:57:11.

England for ages, I did not have my contact lenses in, and I thought it

:57:12.:57:15.

was Sid James. Presumably he was dead than. But he did look like him.

:57:16.:57:21.

Easy mistake to make. Greg and Ricky, you were in this hot tub?

:57:22.:57:26.

Yes. Are you still damp? I've towelled off. OK, OK. And what was

:57:27.:57:35.

it like in the hot tub. What was it like, Ricky? It was amazing.

:57:36.:57:42.

Amazing? I honestly think they could charge up to 15 grand, they could

:57:43.:57:48.

just do that other thing everyday, go in a hot tub on the roof. It's

:57:49.:57:53.

lovely up there. The crew were not finding it funny because it is

:57:54.:57:56.

freezing. It certainly was last night. I wouldn't know. Yes you

:57:57.:58:04.

would. What did you have to do? I had to interview people in a hot tub

:58:05.:58:10.

on top of the O2 for no reason. Was there any reason? They just asked if

:58:11.:58:14.

I wanted to be involved in Comic Relief. They said I would be

:58:15.:58:18.

interviewing people. Then they told me it was in a hot tub, and I

:58:19.:58:22.

thought lovely. Then they told me it was on top of the O2. What did you

:58:23.:58:28.

wear, read key? Talc. He was terminated. It was beautiful, really

:58:29.:58:36.

nice. Tom Daley made me laugh. He came up and I said the best thing is

:58:37.:58:39.

to seem like you're confused by what we are doing here. He said, I am

:58:40.:58:45.

confused by what we're doing here. The good thing was, if you stand

:58:46.:58:49.

next to Tom Daley you feel fat and ugly. If you stand next to this guy,

:58:50.:58:53.

you feel great. While, but this harsh. I wasn't going to reveal this

:58:54.:58:59.

but I will now. I felt terrible. Ricky went underwater and came up

:59:00.:59:04.

with a mouthful of water and I felt terrible because I had been fighting

:59:05.:59:06.

like a tractor in there. I had been doing worse. You have a

:59:07.:59:22.

new film coming out. Yes, the happy Prince, the story of Oscar Wilde at

:59:23.:59:29.

the end of his life. It is out in about September. Very good. There

:59:30.:59:35.

are loads of ways to donate, but this year, Comic Relief have come up

:59:36.:59:40.

with something brilliant. It is called the Comic Relief swearing

:59:41.:59:47.

jar. In the script, it says it is going to believe my swearing but I

:59:48.:59:54.

do not trust it. It is a free app which converts your fundraising --

:59:55.:00:02.

your swearing into fundraising. I swear by it. There are words on a

:00:03.:00:09.

screen, very far-away, I am reading some of them! Can you read autocue

:00:10.:00:17.

at the end of the sofa? Yes. I had no idea it was going to be this

:00:18.:00:26.

long. While we are on the subject of phones, it is time to show our

:00:27.:00:31.

appreciation to our mobile and tech partners. Here we go. Thank you to

:00:32.:00:41.

three, Vodafone, virgin Amazon Web services, what the hell is that? Can

:00:42.:00:49.

you see that, Lenny? B team I donate, PayPal, and world play. And

:00:50.:01:00.

the thank yous does not stop there. Here is Tim Key at Ryman and Robert

:01:01.:01:12.

Pires. -- Robert Dyas. I am checking out the hive of

:01:13.:01:16.

activity. People have been buying novelty pens in their thousands

:01:17.:01:19.

whilst the teams here have been fundraising their socks off.

:01:20.:01:29.

Watch out, they bite. Directly in the buttocks. Did you get yours from

:01:30.:01:42.

Ryman 's or Robert Dyas? I wouldn't know. About Comic Relief? It has

:01:43.:01:49.

raised millions to improve the lives of the vulnerable here and in

:01:50.:01:54.

Africa. How long have you been there? Ages. About that business

:01:55.:02:05.

deal. I'm out. Goodbye, Theo, goodbye Forest Gump. So, for the

:02:06.:02:09.

magnificent effort from the team and their customers, time to say a great

:02:10.:02:18.

big thank you. How did you get back here? I live here. Thank you, Cara

:02:19.:02:28.

Delevingne. Thank you to all the lovely

:02:29.:02:34.

people at Ryman and That's an extraordinary

:02:35.:02:42.

amount and thank you to everyone at home for

:02:43.:02:50.

stocking up on pens. There's still plenty of space

:02:51.:02:52.

on my sofa so time to Saunders, and Joel Dommett.

:02:53.:03:37.

Hello. Hello. Reith hello. Hello. There is space. Get in. I will sit

:03:38.:03:52.

on the floor, Graham. Look at you. I am not sure there is any camera that

:03:53.:03:56.

can see you. But we know you are here. There you go. He has split up

:03:57.:04:10.

French and Saunders. Scandal! This is wonderful. When you came on, you

:04:11.:04:16.

said you had a gift for me. I was given this by someone else to give

:04:17.:04:24.

to you. I will open it. Is that, by any chance, supposed to be me? I'm

:04:25.:04:32.

not sure, but I think maybe it is. That is me, isn't it? I look like

:04:33.:04:41.

the picture of the dog with the picture of the dog and the picture

:04:42.:04:48.

of the dog. Ladies, well done. Have you come as something? Whoever you

:04:49.:04:55.

want me to be. You just thought, I will wear that. Lots of people could

:04:56.:05:04.

not make it so I have come as them. Shias Joan Collins, Gladys Knight,

:05:05.:05:11.

anyone. Hugh Dennis, do you have a total for me best Jamaat No. I

:05:12.:05:20.

don't. I can give you a made up number. This is the convoy that you

:05:21.:05:27.

did. Yes, but I don't have a total for that either. I have a total. You

:05:28.:05:35.

read the total. I feel bad reading it. You read the screen. If people

:05:36.:05:45.

did not see what the convoy was... Six of us, me and David the deal,

:05:46.:05:51.

Katy Brand, Reggie Yates and Russell Kane, driving supplies across Kenya

:05:52.:05:56.

and Uganda to Comic Relief projects in those countries. And the

:05:57.:06:02.

documentary was on last night. And it raised this amount of money that

:06:03.:06:04.

I'm about to read. That is amazing, half ?1 million,

:06:05.:06:24.

essentially. Joel Dommett, you know Martine McCutcheon. I feel bad that

:06:25.:06:30.

we have seated you so far apart. Didn't you get on very well when you

:06:31.:06:37.

were on Loose Women. A bit. Didn't you feel him up? Yes. That is why

:06:38.:06:47.

they have put her so far-away. Were you in the hot tub? You were in

:06:48.:06:56.

Innuendo Bingo. Yes, I ripped off my shirt and I regretted that decision.

:06:57.:07:02.

Are your abdominal muscles new? You keep getting them out. I am very

:07:03.:07:11.

shy, Graham. You lived in the jungle in your pants for three weeks. I am

:07:12.:07:17.

very lonely. I just go to the gym because I have nothing better to do.

:07:18.:07:22.

Dawn and Jennifer are now looking at you like you are meet. I am looking

:07:23.:07:32.

at his beautiful teeth. Did you buy them? They are all I ain't. Electric

:07:33.:07:36.

toothbrush, that is what you have to do. Veneers. I brush my teeth for

:07:37.:07:46.

seven hours a day, but apart from that... One of the reasons we love

:07:47.:07:52.

Comic Relief is that we are doing this and we have a laugh, and then

:07:53.:08:01.

suddenly things get very serious. It is easy to forget that Comic Relief

:08:02.:08:10.

spends millions here in the UK. Domestic violence is one of the

:08:11.:08:14.

issues we take seriously and any money you give to Knight will be

:08:15.:08:15.

taking it on. -- tonight. I can't speak for anyone else but I

:08:16.:09:48.

found that one of the most shocking films we have shown.

:09:49.:09:51.

People tonight are living in real fear, not far from you.

:09:52.:09:54.

Please ? if you can spare some cash ? with your help we can

:09:55.:09:57.

get them out of danger, and into safety.

:09:58.:09:59.

And the very good news is that HM Government is adding ?3 million

:10:00.:10:02.

to tonight's pot to help projects supporting vulnerable

:10:03.:10:04.

This is such a critical issue and your donations

:10:05.:10:15.

Now, I promised you a sofa full of celebrities,

:10:16.:10:23.

I do not know where we will put them, but please welcome Sally

:10:24.:10:39.

Phillips, Fiona Allen and Tamsin Greig. Hello. I don't know where you

:10:40.:10:53.

are sitting. There isn't really any space. Come

:10:54.:11:24.

on, budge up. I will perch up here. Oh, look, the cool kids are sitting

:11:25.:11:30.

on the back of the sofa. We were going to sit on the floor and then

:11:31.:11:34.

we thought, that's not cool. Ladies and gentlemen, culture alert. Who

:11:35.:11:42.

has come off a theatre stage? You three. What were you just doing? I

:11:43.:11:50.

was in Soho at the Wyndham Theatre. Were you really good? I was

:11:51.:11:58.

excellent. Tamsin, what are you doing? I am in 12th night with Doon

:11:59.:12:15.

Mackichan. I clown. Did anything happened to Knight, go wrong, did

:12:16.:12:19.

you forget any lines, did people die? I got a bit confused in act

:12:20.:12:27.

five but I got through it. There are five acts in it best Jamaat yes, but

:12:28.:12:30.

they are always very quick. You are at the National Theatre.

:12:31.:12:48.

Sally Phillips, Fiona Allen, Doon Mackichan, smack the pony returned

:12:49.:12:56.

earlier. I don't want to stir trouble, but is it 15 years? Was it

:12:57.:13:05.

like Girls Aloud? Was there group therapy? We actually love each

:13:06.:13:14.

other, OK, thank you very much. We didn't stop working for years and we

:13:15.:13:21.

wanted a break, which we have had. 15 years! Three kids each. Was it

:13:22.:13:31.

nice to get back together? We have been kicking around ideas four-year

:13:32.:13:36.

is. That is what we do. We have come up with another one, so we just... I

:13:37.:13:42.

think of Smack The Pony as new comedy and then I hear that you have

:13:43.:13:46.

not done it for 15 years, which is a long time. Another show that

:13:47.:13:55.

everyone loved, Greenway. -- green Wing. Would it ever? Never. It is

:13:56.:14:04.

too difficult to get Olivia Colman and all those other actors. Because

:14:05.:14:13.

David has got her. David, is the culprit in Broadchurch sitting

:14:14.:14:22.

somewhere on this so far? -- on this so far. Well, Lenny is looking

:14:23.:14:30.

guilty. It must be weird, walking around in knowing. I know. I feel

:14:31.:14:36.

hugely powerful. We have filmed the end of the series, yes. We don't

:14:37.:14:43.

know while we are filming it. When you are doing an interview, you do

:14:44.:14:46.

not know if someone is lying. You don't have to do any acting.

:14:47.:14:55.

Weren't you really sick? He had a pacemaker fitted at the end of

:14:56.:15:01.

series two. I missed that bit. But you came back and you were fine? So

:15:02.:15:07.

far, we are only on episode four, don't prejudge it. Ooh. It is the

:15:08.:15:16.

last series. Does Lenny kills you? It would be terrible if that

:15:17.:15:20.

actually did happen. We've got to talk Doctor who. Once you are in it

:15:21.:15:26.

you never leave. That's it. Do you know about this extraordinary

:15:27.:15:32.

auction price? Yes. What is it? Seven people who have been doctors.

:15:33.:15:40.

What did you say? Have you been drinking? Seven of us, Sylvester

:15:41.:15:47.

McCoy, Paul McGann, me, Matt Smith, Peter Capaldi, are all going to have

:15:48.:15:53.

breakfast with a Doctor Who fan. Can you imagine? Can you imagine. You

:15:54.:15:59.

can buy a ticket to be at this breakfast. There are two things, an

:16:00.:16:03.

auction with presumably some nerdy millionairess going to win. With all

:16:04.:16:12.

the people without millions. For a fiver, less than ?1 per doctor, you

:16:13.:16:18.

can get a raffle ticket, that's running until May, so you've got

:16:19.:16:21.

ages, by as many raffle tickets as you like for more chances to win and

:16:22.:16:25.

one of you gets the chance to have breakfast with us, lucky you. Well

:16:26.:16:34.

whoever gets it will enjoy it. The breakfast? I hope. Just meeting you

:16:35.:16:42.

all. They will have some kind of nerd-gasm. We will smother you with

:16:43.:16:47.

some time continuum. That sounds really wrong. Please keep calling.

:16:48.:16:57.

We've got Russell Brand joining us shortly. I know.

:16:58.:17:01.

Across the country you've all been doing your bit to help raise

:17:02.:17:04.

money for Red Nose Day, and now it's time to

:17:05.:17:07.

We have an exclusive glimpse into how the stars of BBC

:17:08.:17:13.

Three's This Country have been getting on.

:17:14.:17:15.

Comic Relief is such a great cause, and community

:17:16.:17:52.

I've done a sponsored beard shave, and everyone's doing their bit.

:17:53.:18:02.

There's fund-raising, right, and then there's

:18:03.:18:03.

Last Christmas they did a feeding the homeless thing

:18:04.:18:06.

in the village hall, and there was about 30

:18:07.:18:09.

people volunteering, there's only one homeless guy

:18:10.:18:10.

So everyone was just stood round watching Frankie

:18:11.:18:13.

He was so self-conscious, he couldn't eat anything.

:18:14.:18:18.

Yeah, and we saw him in the village later, didn't we?

:18:19.:18:20.

He was in the village, and he was eating a banana

:18:21.:18:24.

skin out of the bin, and I go, "Frank,

:18:25.:18:26.

And he was like, "I'm sorry, I'm just so much more

:18:27.:18:30.

Anyone have any change and don't want to be harsh?

:18:31.:18:37.

I think it's wonderful that Kerry and Kurtan

:18:38.:18:44.

are so passionate about Comic Relief.

:18:45.:18:49.

They can be a little bit overzealous at times, but it's just

:18:50.:18:52.

about channelling their enthusiasm in the right direction.

:18:53.:18:53.

Leonard, just bear this in mind, son?

:18:54.:18:55.

We ain't letting you of this phone box until you give

:18:56.:18:58.

Of course, some years that channelling is less

:18:59.:19:04.

successful than others, but this year, I've got them running

:19:05.:19:07.

an orange squash stall with Michael which I think will be great.

:19:08.:19:24.

The squash stall isn't going as well as hoped,

:19:25.:19:26.

because Slugs keeps drinking all the squash.

:19:27.:19:34.

Firstly, this is just getting completely out of hand, now.

:19:35.:19:37.

But I've come up with a really good idea.

:19:38.:19:39.

That's going to raise us loads of money and people

:19:40.:19:41.

are going to actually really love it.

:19:42.:19:43.

Is this the place, something about you can punch Slugs?

:19:44.:19:50.

Yeah, it's ?5 per punch or three for a tenner.

:19:51.:19:53.

You got to join the back of the queue, though, first.

:19:54.:19:56.

I think as a man of faith, that ultimately Comic Relief

:19:57.:20:05.

is a brilliant thing because it brings us all together and I can't

:20:06.:20:08.

Honesty, you are going to cack your pants when you see how

:20:09.:20:13.

Look at that, look at how much that is.

:20:14.:20:17.

This is an extraordinary amount of money.

:20:18.:20:22.

You made all this from orange squash?

:20:23.:20:24.

Oh, he's just, he needed a lie down, didn't he, I think?

:20:25.:20:30.

Wait, which Michael are you talking about?

:20:31.:20:33.

OK. It is getting busy out here. We're going to have to make room for

:20:34.:21:07.

some more guests. Please welcome my final batch of friends, Aisling Bea,

:21:08.:21:18.

Rob Beckett, Russell Brand and Louisa Malin. Hello. Nice to see

:21:19.:21:28.

you. How lovely to see you, hello. Nice to see you. How are you? Sit

:21:29.:21:37.

yourself down, very good. Welcome all, this is it. The sofa is full.

:21:38.:21:50.

What a rabble. So here we go. Have you been here all night? Hours and

:21:51.:21:58.

hours. I was just here to see Ed Sheeran, is he still hear? He went

:21:59.:22:03.

after about ten minutes. I've been on the sofa half an hour, no one

:22:04.:22:09.

noticed me. You are doing the bit after this? That's right, the now

:22:10.:22:13.

after this we are going to embrace chaos even further. Those noses will

:22:14.:22:17.

be even redder and I hope for the right reasons. You've been here all

:22:18.:22:23.

night? I have. Earlier you were wearing a miniskirt? Gold miniskirt,

:22:24.:22:29.

yes. I thought I'd get changed for you. This lovely thing is falling

:22:30.:22:35.

quite open, just to warn you. It's quite flappy at the end here. I'll

:22:36.:22:44.

give ?500 for Comic Relief. It's a code but I really like it as

:22:45.:22:49.

address, I thought, Comic Relief, why not? Because it's not really

:22:50.:22:54.

address. It hasn't quite shot at the front. Rob Beckett, lovely to see

:22:55.:23:00.

you. Nobody told me I was doing this, I've had six pints, I'm in a

:23:01.:23:05.

bad way. I didn't have dinner. I just want to get through this. That

:23:06.:23:10.

was a rookie error. Was not informed of my appearance. I thought they had

:23:11.:23:16.

enough guests. You were wrong. You guys work together now? We work it

:23:17.:23:23.

boots on the weekend, yes. We also do eight out of ten Cats. We are not

:23:24.:23:29.

allowed to mention brands. We work for all chemists across the UK.

:23:30.:23:36.

Lloyds, Superdrug. That's the big three. It's the end of the night.

:23:37.:23:41.

How do we climaxed the show? How do we find a peak for the sofa? I don't

:23:42.:23:50.

think I'm the peak. You really are. Rob Beckett, Cara Delevingne earlier

:23:51.:23:56.

did a beautiful thing with a bottle. What did she do with a bottle? You

:23:57.:24:03.

can watch it on my player. You have a special skill with a banana? Which

:24:04.:24:09.

skill, because one of them I can't do on telly. There's another one I

:24:10.:24:14.

can. I was hoping for the one involving your feet. Oh yes, I can.

:24:15.:24:22.

I used to work at a flower market. I can peel a banana with my feet. Yay,

:24:23.:24:29.

let's see it. This is the grading, isn't it? Do you know what's really

:24:30.:24:36.

degrading, being live on telly, absolute silence as you take your

:24:37.:24:41.

shoes and socks off. You shouldn't have a jumper, jacket, and your

:24:42.:24:45.

shoes and socks off. Just shove the table out of the way. I never

:24:46.:24:50.

thought Doctor Who would move the table so I could peel a banana. Here

:24:51.:24:55.

we go. Oh my God. It's like planet Earth. My feet are a bit sweaty.

:24:56.:25:09.

You're there. Ooh, there it is! Yes! Yay! I was going to pass it to

:25:10.:25:21.

Rambo, he could have done a split with it. Was that the peak? Russell,

:25:22.:25:27.

who will be on in the next hour? Spencer Jones, is absolutely

:25:28.:25:31.

fantastic, a trio, it's going to be insane. Jade Adams.

:25:32.:25:38.

I don't know how we will top a man peeling fruit. Get a pineapple, I

:25:39.:25:52.

appeal it. What? Can you really? I'd be delighted if you could. I can

:25:53.:25:56.

check if it's right. Leave it. It's not ready yet. Charities, helping

:25:57.:26:03.

charities, if that doesn't warm your cockles, I don't know what will.

:26:04.:26:07.

We sent Blake Harrison down to Oxfam to say a massive thank

:26:08.:26:10.

you and to annoy the hell out of Margaret.

:26:11.:26:12.

Oxfam have sold red noses from when it all started and this year is no

:26:13.:26:20.

different except now they are selling ten different varieties of

:26:21.:26:28.

them. Looking good, Margaret. We need you to go out back to get some

:26:29.:26:32.

more red noses. I didn't think I'd be working very hard, thought I

:26:33.:26:39.

could hang round the front and do some selfies. No, yeah, I'll go to

:26:40.:26:47.

the back. Margaret. Well this is an impressive storeroom. Bit empty,

:26:48.:26:51.

though. At least here there are no old ladies giving orders, no little

:26:52.:26:59.

gadgets from those falls in Cuba on. Q Branch? Not been to that shop,

:27:00.:27:05.

yet. But any more of these? They are Margaret's favourite. So what's

:27:06.:27:11.

yours? I don't really have one. Name it. OK, I guess this one is pretty

:27:12.:27:28.

good. Let me show you something. Your story manager is a bit intense,

:27:29.:27:34.

isn't he? About that great big thank you, ready, everyone? Thank you.

:27:35.:27:44.

Coming up soon - if I'm satisfied with the amount

:27:45.:27:48.

of money raised - the alarming Ed Sheeran

:27:49.:27:50.

But time now for a gorgeous little film from Russell Howard.

:27:51.:28:05.

Comic Relief and Germany have been fighting malaria for years. You have

:28:06.:28:13.

saved millions of lives. Remember that ?10 buys four life-saving

:28:14.:28:19.

malaria nets, that's four people. Get your phone and computer out. If

:28:20.:28:24.

you want to stop malaria in your tracks, give what you can.

:28:25.:28:36.

With your help, the number of people dying from malaria each year has

:28:37.:28:43.

been dramatically reduced. Malaria is still one of the biggest killers

:28:44.:28:48.

of children under five. Even though it is preventable and treatable.

:28:49.:28:57.

This is the children's ward in one of Malawi's biggest hospitals. Most

:28:58.:29:00.

of the children here are suffering from malaria. The problem is so

:29:01.:29:06.

consuming, there aren't enough beds to go round. This little girl is

:29:07.:29:19.

just 13 months old. She laughs, cries, and like many children of her

:29:20.:29:26.

age, she's learned to walk. Her mother Mary is desperately poor.

:29:27.:29:31.

There aren't any malaria testing kits in her village. So she's had no

:29:32.:29:37.

choice but to walk for three hours carrying her daughter to the nearest

:29:38.:29:43.

hospital. All the time her little girl's blood was being destroyed by

:29:44.:29:50.

malarial parasites. She is now very, very sick. Doctor Columbo is doing

:29:51.:30:07.

everything he can to save her. But suddenly she stops breathing.

:30:08.:30:24.

If only she had been diagnosed even a day earlier she might not now be

:30:25.:30:29.

fighting for her life. Children like this don't have to die

:30:30.:31:02.

this way. A rapid malaria test costs 30p. Just 30p. ?30 you give will pay

:31:03.:31:09.

for 100 children to be diagnosed. That is a really tough, tough film.

:31:10.:31:59.

We make no apologies because every phone call, donation, text message

:32:00.:32:03.

will buy nets that will save lives. To give ?10, text in.

:32:04.:32:13.

Now we have one of the greatest living female singers.

:32:14.:32:15.

And while she sings, we'll show you some of the happiness your

:32:16.:32:18.

Ladies and gents - the incredible Emeli Sande.

:32:19.:32:38.

# I'm talking 'bout the forever, baby

:32:39.:33:27.

# And we've run out of all the silver and gold

:33:28.:33:47.

# Will you still wanna be my someone to hold?

:33:48.:33:54.

# I'm talking 'bout the forever, baby

:33:55.:34:22.

I'm certain that there's no other

:34:23.:34:34.

# It's banging in my heart like thunder

:34:35.:34:36.

# I know I was made to love you

:34:37.:34:38.

Thank you to so much to the wonderful Emeli Sande.

:34:39.:35:53.

It's getting late, but there's still loads of ways you can donate.

:35:54.:35:58.

All you need to do is call 03457 910 910.

:35:59.:36:00.

Thank you so much for giving - and thank you so much

:36:01.:36:10.

to all my amazing guests who haven't moaned once about being squished

:36:11.:36:13.

But before I hand things over to the lanky louche loqacious legend

:36:14.:36:17.

that is Russell Brand for an hour of the best live comedy the country

:36:18.:36:20.

has to offer, let's have a look at how much money we've raised

:36:21.:36:24.

It is 69,000,337 and ?12! That makes it all worthwhile, wow.

:36:25.:36:52.

What an amazing amount of money, thank you, everyone.

:36:53.:36:55.

And that isn't even the total couple. All the fund-raising events

:36:56.:37:02.

across the nation still have to be counted, so that is just the

:37:03.:37:05.

beginning. We are going to make millions more.

:37:06.:37:07.

But sadly, I don't think we have made enough money

:37:08.:37:13.

to show the Kurupt FM video? ahhh, what a shame? I'm only

:37:14.:37:16.

With their debut collaboration, it's Kurupt FM and Ed Sheeran?With

:37:17.:37:20.

With their debut collaboration, it's Kurupt FM and Ed Sheeran,

:37:21.:37:23.

with possibly the best music video

:37:24.:37:25.

It's all going to be very tasteful and actually really sexy, OK?

:37:26.:37:43.

Now, I've only rented this place for an hour,

:37:44.:37:45.

Come on, Ed, mate. Trying to do a shoot here.

:37:46.:37:54.

Yeah, it's not all about you, Ed. Jesus Christ.

:37:55.:37:58.

# We could change this whole world with a piano.

:37:59.:38:07.

# Grab a bass, some guitar, add a beat.

:38:08.:38:10.

# I'm just a boy with a one-man show.

:38:11.:38:15.

# Everybody's talking 'bout exponential growth.

:38:16.:38:22.

# And the stock market crashing in their portfolios.

:38:23.:38:25.

# While I'll be sitting here with a song that I wrote

:38:26.:38:28.

Let's take it to Africa! song that I wrote...

:38:29.:38:39.

Some of them are like, some of them are like hey

:38:40.:38:42.

And check out the stars on my rogue MC

:38:43.:38:47.

This ain't apartheid, it's a party some of them are like hey

:38:48.:38:57.

My little kiddy flight, you can tell I'm nonstop

:38:58.:38:59.

What's that in the sky, it's a helicopter

:39:00.:39:01.

Dropping off vinyls, merch and caps

:39:02.:39:02.

But first of all you need electricity

:39:03.:39:10.

Don't worry, I'm on the case Cos here he comes on the escalator

:39:11.:39:13.

It's a generator from Brentford to Africa.

:39:14.:39:16.

# Ain't got a soapbox I can stand upon

:39:17.:39:18.

And I hold the microphone like a lyrical gun.

:39:19.:39:22.

# Daddy told me son, don't you get involved

:39:23.:39:24.

And when I'm on the mic I'm lyrically cold.

:39:25.:39:28.

# Ain't got a soapbox I can stand upon

:39:29.:39:30.

And I hold the microphone like a lyrical gun.

:39:31.:39:34.

# Daddy told me son, don't you get involved.

:39:35.:39:36.

Cos when I'm on the mic, I'm lyrically pure, Kuruption!

:39:37.:39:38.

Some of them are like, some of them are like hey

:39:39.:39:41.

And check out the stars on my rogue MC

:39:42.:39:45.

This ain't apartheid, it's a party some of them are like hey

:39:46.:39:55.

All the ladies, all the girls Come help me and feed the world

:39:56.:39:58.

Help me teach the females how to wind

:39:59.:40:02.

Listen to the rhyme and wind and deliver

:40:03.:40:06.

Don't be sad cos you ain't had your dinner

:40:07.:40:08.

Just turn up the bass and raise your gun finger

:40:09.:40:10.

Killing killing them, dressed like a militant

:40:11.:40:12.

Owning the mic on the back of an elephant

:40:13.:40:14.

Listen to the UK G message we spread

:40:15.:40:22.

On the Kurupt FM, the rest are irrelevant

:40:23.:40:24.

I wanna be president So all of the people can represent

:40:25.:40:28.

Turn your water into champers And tell you it's original skankers

:40:29.:40:32.

I'm a lyrical panther I'm in a pet now pamper

:40:33.:40:34.

Turn your water into champers

:40:35.:40:35.

And tell you it's original skankers...

:40:36.:40:39.

I mean, this is offensive, this is offensive.

:40:40.:40:43.

Eddie, we've still got the spear throwing scene.

:40:44.:40:46.

I'm a lyrical panther I'm in a pet now pamper

:40:47.:41:02.

And tell you it's original skankers...

:41:03.:41:11.

So when this camera switches off, that's not the end of it for me.

:41:12.:41:14.

I'm going to make sure I dig in my pocket and help out some

:41:15.:41:21.

of the people I've met and put roofs over people's heads,

:41:22.:41:23.

And I hope by you watching this, your connection with it doesn't end

:41:24.:41:30.

If you could donate one quid, two quid, five quid, ten quid,

:41:31.:41:34.

20 quid, even 100 quid, anything will make a difference

:41:35.:41:37.

to put kids like this all over the world into school

:41:38.:41:40.

Anything you can give will make a real

:41:41.:41:47.

Please call 03457 910 910, or go to BBC.co.uk/RedNoseDay.

:41:48.:41:55.

Well done, well done! That is fabulous!

:41:56.:42:15.

I'm afraid my sofa is finally full, and that means

:42:16.:42:19.

we've almost reached the end of my Big Chat Live.

:42:20.:42:21.

I need to say a big thank you to all my guests.

:42:22.:42:31.

And thank you to everyone at home for watching

:42:32.:42:35.

But the evening isn't over yet, there is still so much

:42:36.:42:45.

great stuff to come, including Russell Brand and his Stand Off,

:42:46.:42:47.

featuring some of the best live talent in the

:42:48.:42:50.

country, and Fantastic Beats and Where to Find

:42:51.:42:51.

Them ? our incredible look back at the funniest

:42:52.:42:54.

music moments in Comic Relief history.

:42:55.:42:57.

So, don't go anywhere, they're coming up shortly.

:42:58.:42:59.

And, in case you missed it earlier, it's time to revisit James

:43:00.:43:05.

Corden and Take That for a Red Nose Day Carpool

:43:06.:43:08.

I thought we were going to drive around, have some fun.

:43:09.:43:23.

I don't care if he's asleep, go and wake him up!

:43:24.:43:26.

Take That, Carpool Karaoke for Comic Relief.

:43:27.:43:52.

# I don't know what you're waiting for

:43:53.:44:00.

# Your time is coming, don't be late, hey, hey

:44:01.:44:05.

# So, come on, see the light on your face

:44:06.:44:08.

# Let it shine, just let it shi-i-ine.

:44:09.:44:11.

This is the first time I've spent any real time with you as a three.

:44:12.:44:45.

I figured out that if I leave, I think Gary and Mark

:44:46.:44:55.

I think if you leave, Howard, it's Robson and Jerome.

:44:56.:45:03.

to be here now in this car is unreal for me.

:45:04.:45:12.

# Today this could be the greatest day of our lives...

:45:13.:45:18.

# And the world comes alive, oh, oh, oh

:45:19.:45:39.

# Watch the world come alive tonight

:45:40.:45:49.

How has touring changed now compared to what it was like in the '90s?

:45:50.:46:17.

I don't know what it's like for you guys, but sometimes,

:46:18.:46:24.

You've got families, you've got a home life.

:46:25.:46:29.

We're meeting people before you go on.

:46:30.:46:32.

Sometimes, I can't wait to get on there for a bit of peace.

:46:33.:46:36.

Because it's two hours when no one...

:46:37.:46:38.

It's two hours where I put my ears in and it's just me,

:46:39.:46:42.

my brothers and the audience, and it's brilliant.

:46:43.:46:46.

I almost don't want to come off, because I know I'm going back

:46:47.:46:49.

They're the same people, but they're all older.

:46:50.:46:54.

So where they used to throw bras and underwear, now,

:46:55.:46:57.

Well, it used to be teddies we used to get thrown.

:46:58.:47:04.

Do you have a creche, a Take That creche?

:47:05.:47:08.

That would be a real moneyspinner, I think.

:47:09.:47:10.

Everything Changes During The Menopause.

:47:11.:47:22.

# As I looked away, I saw a face behind you

:47:23.:47:59.

# And when I looked again, I saw his face was shining

:48:00.:48:12.

I thought of a quiz that you could play.

:48:13.:48:33.

So you pick one or leave one, which of the two?

:48:34.:48:39.

When was the last time you had a full English?

:48:40.:48:51.

The problem with me is, if I start eating food like that,

:48:52.:49:00.

I keep this photo of you, Howard, in the car at all times.

:49:01.:49:13.

I keep it in the car at all times, just for me.

:49:14.:49:16.

I'd have lights on, though, with that body, wouldn't you?

:49:17.:49:32.

With that body, my lights would be on all the time.

:49:33.:49:38.

# As hot as the sun, as hard as a stone.

:49:39.:50:14.

# As hot as the sun, as hard as a stone

:50:15.:50:17.

Howard's dreads, or Gary's bleached hair?

:50:18.:50:29.

I stayed at his mansion, like Disneyland.

:50:30.:50:42.

And because I was staying there and I had my dreadlocks, he put

:50:43.:50:49.

# Never forget where you're coming from

:50:50.:51:02.

# Someday soon, this will all be someone else's dream

:51:03.:51:15.

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