Russell Brand's Stand Off Comic Relief

I'm back on television after a crazy year. We're going to make this last

hour crazy, is that right? You are incredibly enthusiastic, as I make

my way back into the mainstream, getting back into your affections

after bringing down the government. I'm going to find my way back into

all of your hearts. I have been trying to keep it mellow. The first

thing that happened to me... Has the mic been pulled already?! Thank God!

I thought from the very first seconds, I had been cast off the

airwaves! They sat me down to a man peeling a banana with his feet, and

a woman wearing a coat with no knickers. How are we meant to keep

this together?! Chaos could be unleashed at any moment!

Over the next hour, we'll be entertaining you with the finest

Surrounding me now in the rip-off of Jools Holland' situation, let's face

it, we have... Just hear, and my excitement is building for this, we

have the Brett Domino Trio! And over here, we are very

lucky to be joined by You're probably wondering why

everyone's applauding The real Nish Kumar is rushing to

London to be here. These are crazy days, be careful. And amidst this

mayhem, I will be trying to seduce you into giving a little cash for

the job of saving actual lives. But, to get things started, please

welcome our first act tonight. Let me just say something to Twitter

before I start. Number one, I'm on the large side, it wasn't a mistake.

Number two, I look ridiculous, also not a mistake. Number three, they

say you are what you eat, but I do not remember eating a goddess. As

performers, we cover every year to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Last

year, I travelled on something called a megabucks gold, heard of

it? For those of you with disposable incomes, I will explain what it is.

It's like the Orient express except that everyone carries their stuff in

bin bags and you might get fingered on it. When I was booking this, I

thought to myself that I would be travelling up the motorway in a

four-poster bed, but it was more like a coffin with curtains of a

mass grave of bankers. There were some other people on the Megabus

gold. There were these four lads. Let's not call them lads. There were

these four fucks. And when we were trying to get some sleep at 2am,

they decided to make noise on their iPhones. Have you heard that noise

without the headphones? The music is never any fucking good. Sorry for

swearing, mum. They were making a noise not dissimilar to this. Ready?

Had enough yet? Thanks. Another white person beatboxing on the BBC.

It has never happened before. On the other side of the Megabus gold, we

have some other people, let's call them British people. They didn't

like what they were doing, so instead of doing something about it,

they were making a noise that I find infinitely more annoying than that.

Get a load of this noise. And I was losing my fucking mind in

the middle. So I decided as the voice of the people, as they call me

in my hometown of Japan, I would do something. I got out of the sanitary

towel they gave me to sleep on and in this re-enactment, you are going

to play the four fucks. Wake up. Have you had a lot to drink? I went

over to the fucks, I am swearing a lot, it's just nerves. I went to

them and said, hi, boys, is it quite all right on this journey if we

could turn off our mobile phones? Like many people who have read the

Guardian before me, I thought my patronising tone would work on these

youths. But they turned round to me and you know what they said? No,

fuck off, you fat bitch. Normally, I have heard it said before. I stand

with the perpetrator on the street and I make them feel ashamed and

upset about whatever led them to this behaviour. I didn't have time

for that, I was on the Megabus Gold. Instead, I remembered that I had a

suitcase full of props and costumes and other things. But I had

something else that I got the previous Christmas, something you

might have had before to help in such a situation. And that is a

battery-powered boom box. And I thought to myself, if these four

fucks were going to play their music, then I was going to play my

music. Can I have my track, please? That's quite low, I don't have

testicles, so that is quite impressive.

# Nella tua fredda stanza guardi le stelle

# Che tremano d'amore e di speranza...

# Ma il mio mistero e chiuso in me, il nome mio nessun sapra!

The rest of the bus loved it all stopped I thought I was going to be

a viral superstar. That is Italian for silence.

CHEERING. What actually happened was that I missed my stop and ended up

in Glasgow. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much!

That was the brilliant Jayde Adams, who I'll be

Bringing opera and using her vagina to modulate her voice. What could be

more entertaining? Weaver share how she did that with you. Keep

donating. Let's keep the Momentum going. Let's transcend to another

dimension. Please welcome Spencer

Jones as The Herbert! # She's got me working

all my days, days, days, days. # She's got me working

all my days, days, days, days. "What Is he?" Thank you, good night,

thank you. "He Was a bit short, wasn't he?"

That is permanent marker. Can we go swimming, dad? Not for a couple of

weeks. # I like to clean the floor.

# Dirty floor. # I've been a dirty floor.

# Yeah, you have. # I need cleaning.

# Yeah, you do. # What you've gone a cleanly with?

# With my mouth! Evil penis. What you scheming, evil

penis? Oh, nothing. It's over there. It's coming! I've run out of stuff.

Can I use that? You know, the old... All right, mate? That's going.

That's got to go. That's got to stay. It's the floor.

Thank you very much, have a lovely evening!

Erotic and profound and unusual, what a peculiar man, somehow

summarising everything that is great about this country in one wonderful

moment. It is great to be reminded that Britain is a wonderful place

full of love, peculiarity, oddity and an evil penis that it seemed to

redeem itself over the course of the narrative. This is one of those

moments in Comic Relief that we love and embrace and accept, where we

have to move from an amusing, crazy moment like that to the serious

function of the evening. film I need you all

to pay attention to. The greatest killer of young men

under 35 in this country is suicide. And our job ? and the thing

your money can do - is try to head that despair off

at the pass. is an actual transcript of an actual

typed conversation on a website that that is there when no-one

else is there to help. That young man survived

because of money you gave. I do think it's an incredible thing

we're involved in here. You don't know who is being affected

by these things, but we do know that if we make a donation tonight, these

are the kind of things we are supporting. I think that has

demonstrated very clearly what we are doing. I have to make a radical

change of direction now. I'm surrounded by young

comedians just being funny. But in the middle of it,

if you just find one minute to go online, text,

ring ? some person you don't know will suddenly have a lifeline

when there is no other lifeline. So, here we are, being ridiculous,

there's people here using their genitals for our amusement, but

also, we're raising money. Or you can go to

bbc.co.uk/rednoseday And look - if you're watching right

now and feeling life is just too hard but you can't face telling

those you love, then organisations like Calm supported by Comic Relief

could be really helpful. By picking up the phone or sitting

at a laptop and chatting online, you can talk to someone in total

confidence who can help you. Now that we have done that, we have

been sincere and serious, we can elegantly move to the is

extraordinary people. You have dashed here, haven't you?

Temporarily, you were replaced by a cardboard cutout. You missed that

lovely moment, and you used your vagina to reach some high notes? I

did. I must say, to see someone using their vagina so artfully was a

joy for me. I agree! You're a man that lives very much on the edge. I

thought I was going to die, I had to get a motorbike taxi here! It would

have been unfortunate this evening to have had to announce your death,

but we would have found a way around it. Let's face it, that is what we

do here, we embrace the tragic but also the beautiful and the joyful.

Would you say that is true? I would say so. You feel more relaxed now

you have formed, don't you? I am well chilled. And what about you,

you have come through the London streets on a motorbike? I have never

felt more composed in my god damn life! Is really composed! How about

you fellas, are you feeling all right this evening? Evidently. You

are Daphne collectively, but you have individual lives as well, I

assume? Not really, not me. You have just immersed yourself totally into

Daphne? Yes. You don't think these guys are milking you, exploiting

you? No, they've got important work to do, I just carry the bags. That's

the kind of compassion Comic Relief is built on. If you can extend some

of that Russian this evening, and compassion, this young man being a

butler to his associates. And Nish has come here on a motorbike. Amat

relief is just about the best thing we have got in this country, isn't

it? We come here under the symbol of this red nose to find love and joy.

I agree. I think we have taken everything we can from this

conversation. I think future generations... Possibly extra

terrestrial alien nations from the future will transcribe this, and let

this be the Bible. Daphne, we'll be seeing you later. Without further

ado, follow me over here. We have got some exciting information for

you. These young men, they call themselves the Brett Domino Trio,

but mathematically, they are at odds with reality. Please welcome the

Brett Domino Trio! Welcome them! # I am boombastic... Thanks very

much! That was us. I don't know how much of that you heard. I estimate

about 10%. But believe me, it was all there. Me and Steve here, we

heard it all. That was Shaggy, Boombastic. Anybody recognise that

sample? It was an exciting time to be a television gardener. That was

Alan Titchmarsh am I who did that. Lads, I have come here under

considerable duress to complete your Treo, momentarily, but also to tell

you that due to technical problems, we need you to start again. Don't be

downhearted, particularly not you, you look like a young man who lives

on the edge. Can you consider that? We're just going to pretend that

nothing happened. In a way, nothing has happened. In a way. You just

crack on, refresh yourselves just in they're going to provide such

enthusiasm that it be difficult for you to...

APPLAUSE I'm not sure how this works,

television-wise. But we're going to do it. Just going to get it... This

is us. Thank you! It was an exciting... Just attend that didn't

happen. We'll just keep pretending things don't happen until something

actually happens. Comic Relief was meant to be more crazy and mental

this year, we've obviously overcompensated, it's gone too far,

we've allowed the forces of chaos in, and your Treo has suffered. But

you've got it in you to make this live. Don't recoil from me,

sunshine, I know Judy -- I know jujitsu, I can hold you down, I can

open every orifice in your body! These are the kind of moments that

go viral. Let's do this thing! Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for

the Brett Domino Trio! # Mr lover, lover, ooh

# Smooth, soft and cuddly like a quilt

# I'm in the recall lover with my sexual physique

# Can't you tell, I'm just like a turtle coming out of a shall

# I love your sweet smell and you're the only younger who can ring my

bell # They call me Mr Boombastic,

fantastic # That's it, thanks very much. Thank

you! Make them do it once more! No! That's enough! That shows what

endurance and persistence can achieve. Well done, lads, fantastic

stuff just in a minute, we're going to be seeing some fantastic acts.

Now, Specsavers has become involved in this operation, and these glasses

represent I think that connection between us and Specsavers. But I'm

suspicious of this item. Specsavers have been busy selling

these amazing glasses to give all of us a good laugh. Whilst I am here,

can make it a quick eye test? Of course. Wait, that's the wrong room.

Oh, I really do need an eye test. This is end of the. It's our loading

programme. We can load anything from loading equipment... Grant at what I

need is an eye test. I'm supposed to be filming for Comic Relief. This is

the world that you know. Aren't they brilliant? So what is the point of

this room again? To change a human being into this. OK, actually

freaking me out a little bit now, I think I'm done ago. Right, back to

reality. Ready, everyone? One, two, three... Thank you!

Thanks to Specsavers and everybody who works there for their

contribution, and to everybody who has bought these glasses, thank you

very much. Now, you will be astonished to learn that the Brett

Domino trio have not actually finish to their act! That contribution from

Specsavers of more than ?600, that seems like an incredible figure.

Let's go back to the Brett Domino Trio now, and I promise you that

we're not going to young men until they are carried out shoulder high.

Please keep your attention strained upon the Brett Domino Trio!

It's been a tough old night for everybody.

Hi, we are the Brett Domino Trio. Did that go out on telly twice, or

was it just for you guys? I apologise to everyone at home if

they had to sit through that twice, once instrumental and once with my

vocals. It was essentially the same song. You got the gist of it anyway.

You have heard it twice now, and that is good. We deliberately played

half of it, because we were aware we had a short set time. We are still

aware that we have only got five minutes on the clock, so we are

going to crack on and keep this as punchy as we can. You having a good

time? Lovely stuff. Sorry, the visuals have gone wrong here. They

shouldn't be this garden behind us, but it's there, so enjoy it. On my

right is the drummer of the band, Stephen. That's enough, we have to

keep it brief, Steve. My name is Brett Domino. I played a keytar. We

are going to play a song and keep it brief. It is a classical piece of

music you will all recognise, originally instrumental. I have

written some lyrics to it. It's a love song. Sing along if you know

the words. # You, you're the one for me.

# My knees go weak when you're near. # I fear for my heart and brain.

# Never make me cry, baby. # I just want your love, and I will

give all my love back to you. # Baby, if you're down, you can be

my sunshine right through the clouds.

# When I see you, my heart goes... # And when I'm with you, I feel like

ba ba ba dap ba. OK, everybody. Everybody!

# You, you're the one for me. # My knees go weak.

# When you're near, and I feel my heart, my brain.

# If you ever pass me by... You all know the words.

# I just want your love, and I will give all my love back to you.

# Baby, you can be my sunshine right through the clouds.

# When I'm with you, my heart goes...

# And when I'm with you, I feel like ba ba ba dap ba.

# Girl, you're the one, just say you'll be mine. Thanks very much.

Good night. That was the Brett Domino Trio, in

instalments, and they still triumphed. That is what this night

of chaos and Comic Relief is about. Well done, lads. They endured, those

young people. Let's move on. Remember to keep donating. I would

say this is incredible entertainment. Yeah, it's awesome.

It's sick. A young person's contribution. I am excited about

this act over here. Let's introduce her politely. We will allow her to

do her entire act and then applaud and appreciate her, not constantly

ransack her. Please welcome, for the entirety of her act, the fantastic

Lou Sanders, everyone! Thanks, guys! Nest to be here. My

nephews did a fundraiser for Comic Relief this week, and they had to do

short stories in assembly. So I wrote them a story to take in. I

bought with me. This is a murder mystery ? it's

like a short whodunnit. Actually, I wasn't that

academic at school, but I've Even now, I'm always asking

life's big questions ? like the other day I was thinking,

what if, all this If you were shaggy's wife, you would

have a few trust issues. I read a statistic the other day.

That's outrageous, cos I have not received a penny.

We're all weirdos, really, and I think there's too

I was in a car park the other day and a woman

was breastfeeding her baby, but you could tell she

Which made me really sad and thought "How can I help here?"

So I stood next to her and I breastfed my flatmate, Darren.

I'm happy, she's happy, Darren's happy.

My boyfriend is not happy. No, I haven't got a boyfriend because I'm

too busy writing Oscar Pistorius stories.

I was thinking the other day about my ex-boyfriends

and what they all have in common and I think it's that, well, one,

Oh, that reminds me, I should tell you my fave STD joke.

This is the one my mum said not to do.

I heard on the radio the other day that STDs were spreading.

I thought, "You're telling me, it's spread all the way

Thank you. Yes, do donate. I'm going to leave you all with some tips.

I usually have a little jingle here, but I guess I'll

So why not sellotape a Twix to your bits?

I said that was for the guys, but there is a little sugar for mum as

well. That's right, guys, I'm a vegan

and I've only just mentioned it. Take back what you know

about my people, I guess. OK, last tip ? this will get you out

of any sort of trouble at all. I cycled into someone's car

and he was like "Blah, blah, blah", but it's OK as I had this

up my sleeve. So, any trouble

you're in ? use this. That bit's optional,

but it's a nice touch. Then you say "I don't think

this is about me, is it? I am going to end on one joke. Get

ready. What's the difference between me and a doctor? I've never seen a

flaccid penis. Thank you so much. On the outskirts of Nairobi,

there's a quarry. People come here every day

to chip rocks by hand, but surprisingly, many

here are families. For Mildred, this is

the only way she can earn Mildred can't afford

a moment of rest. Even when she's feeding

her baby, she has But this is no guarantee

that she'll earn enough Today, they haven't earned enough,

so tonight this family As her little boy grows up,

all he has to look forward He'll be given a hammer to chip

rocks, just like his sister. As a mum, imagine knowing

that is your children's only future. Unless you can give

some money tonight. With your cash, we can set

mums like Mildred up with their own business so she can

be the mum she wants to be, and send her kids to school

so that all of them can Bloody hell, we have to donate on

the basis of Mildred's plight. But at least you can make a

donation. A quid or two would really make an impact. As a new father

myself, to see the sensitivity and vulnerability of that baby, I worry

about my kid just while I am talking, and there was a woman

working in a quarry and breast-feeding. This is why we do

Comic Relief, so that when we are impacted by these feelings, we can

make a difference. Not forget that I am in this room with the whole Jools

Holland rip-off going on. I have now got a redirect your sad energy, once

you have made that donation to the charity that supports Mildred and

people in that situation set up a business, I would like you now to

focus on being almost mindlessly enthusiastic. Could you manage that,

you people? We have still got some fantastic comedy coming up,

including Nish Kumar. But before that, please welcome the fantastic

Daphne! Hello, everybody, we are Daphne,

the UK's most racially I'm Jason Forbes and

I am a British-born I'm Phil Wang and I am

an Anglo-Franco-Chinese Malaysian. It's

gonna be fucking great! I think you ought to mind your

language, don't you? What the boobs are you

talking about, Jason? Isn't your Jamaican

Auntie Mary here...? Who's that coming

down the garden path? What a way 'im favour

'im fadda, don't? Philip, what you doin'

wid you life now? No, Aunty Mary, I'm doing comedy

for a well-known charity. when George appeared just then

as Jamaican Auntie Mary instead of the actually

Jamaican Jason Forbes, that is what is known

in the sketch-mongering industry Now, as you probably know,

a "pull back and reveal" is where you get to the end

of a sketch and realise in retrospect that the situation

is different to how it appeared This sketch we'll be doing for you,

ladies and gentlemen, It's what I always get

when I come in here! Sorry, sir, we don't

do free coffee. Oh, so you're that

dickhead waiter everyone's been banging on about,

Mr Crabjaw? That's what everyone calls

you behind your back. Sorry, we've got a table booked

for 7.30 under the name of Potts. Well,

I don't remember mentioning Oh, I'll have a lovely

big glass of Sauvignon. I actually run my own independent

comic book store... Yeah, yeah, I remember

it was something stupid like that. Sorry ? what part of "I'll kill you"

don't you understand? That's cos you've

been fannying about. Can we just have

a couple more min... I'll have the chicken

followed by the duck followed by the lamb and a glass

of tap water! In which case, let's

just get the bill. One glass of tap water and I've also

brought you some hurshtah Hurshtah ? it's a traditional

Moroccan delicacy. I'm going to be sick! What are you

going to give me next? Daphne their effort effortlessly

giving us tradition and comedy. Nish Kumar has made an impact on me, I

want you to welcome him with every last bit of enthusiasm that you

have, reach down into your essence and give warmth and love to Nish

Kumar! He's there! I made it! Thank God! Good evening, ladies and

gentlemen, my name is Nish Kumar. How are you, are you all right? I'm

a comedian who is about to do some comedy for you. It's very

convenient! I am what is known as a critically claimed comedian. Yes,

you're right, you're welcome! What does that mean? It means I use a lot

of long words, I get very good reviews in broadsheet newspapers,

and then nobody comes! Very poor ticket sales, guys. Last year one of

my UK tour dates had to be cancelled for personal reasons. And those

personal reasons were, we had sold four tickets! Pretty bad! It is a

fun job, you get to travel around. A couple of years ago I went to tactic

Giggs at the Melbourne comedy festival. Before I went there, there

was an incident. When you go to a festival, you sometimes get

interviewed, standard questions, everybody gets them. There will be

one question which is personalised for you. The one they did for me was

this - how come Christians are allowed to draw pictures of their

profits, and Muslims aren't? To which the obvious answer is, I don't

fucking know, my parents are Hindus. Either these people have just

thought, this guy has got a foreign name, must be a Muzza. Or they think

it is a non-white screening. Let me tell you something, ladies and

gentlemen, I tell that joke on stage in a not particularly ethnically

diverse gig, it was a solid body of white people, me, and one black dye,

where everybody could see him, presumably because they were keeping

an eye on him. This guy decided he was going to have some fun. He

looked at me and then he looked at the audience and in full view of

them, turned to me and went... Listen, you have not lived until you

have seen a roomful of middle-aged white people simultaneously shipped

their pants. I didn't know what I was going to put because obviously,

this was a contentious subject, so I just put, my parents are Hindus, I

don't know. But I wanted them to know that an infraction had taken

place. And in the last question, well, it was not a question, it was

a task. They had given us the first half of a joke and we had to supply

the second half. You do that in whatever way you see fit. Maybe can

then judge whether they will like your style of comedy. The line was,

a book walks into a bar and sees a book case. This is how I finish to

the joke. A book walks into a bar and sees a book case. The book says,

hey, but case! How come Christians are allowed to draw pictures of

their prophets and Muslims aren't? And the book Case said, I don't

know, because I am a bookcase, and as such, have no knowledge of the

intricacies of Islamic theology. I assume you're asking me because I am

a brown book case, in which case, go fuck yourselves! Thank you very

much, ladies and gentlemen! Nish Kumar, everyone! Fantastic stuff. We

have had a great laugh tonight but now I want to talk to you about

something very serious. No-one in this century should die of hunger,

it is an absolute nonsense and obscenity. I would like you to watch

this film for a moment. Thank you. I have come to the children's ward

at Redemption Hospital in Nigeria. Nothing prepared me for what I saw,

this child was suffering from malnutrition. This is to and her

father Alexander. Tabatha's mum is seriously ill, so

her father is taking care of her on his own. It's just awful to think

that this still happens. A little girl who is so malnourished that her

dad had to carry her to hospital. One in every three children in

Liberia suffers from malnutrition. Quite simply, they're not getting

enough of the right food. She's getting a grip now to try to get her

temperatures down and to just feed her body. When we first got here,

her little stomach was just going like that happens. She's severely

malnourished. Severely, OK. She's just three kilograms and she's four

months. How they are as composed as they are, it's amazing to witness.

You just see incredibly skilled people saving the girl's life. Of

her dad hadn't brought her today, she probably would have died? Yes, a

delay for 30 more minutes, something like that. Will she be OK now? After

we give fluid, we hope. All Tabatha's father can do now is

comfort his little girl. When I left Liberia, I thought

Tabatha was going to be OK. But when I got back, we actually found out

that she had died. Despite everything that happened, her dad

insisted that we showed film. It is incredible, isn't it, to think that

in 2017, there's sill children in the world that are dying from

hunger. That's where you come in. If you don't need money, we can get

emergency food to children like Tabatha, and they won't die, it's as

simple as that. So if you can spare some money, then please give

generously tonight. Please call... World, Russell Howard. Let me just

ask you for the time tonight, if you haven't given yet, it would be great

if you could. This is probably your last opportunity. Have you had a

fantastic time, you lot? Your endurance has been impeccable! We

need to say one last thank you to Nish Kumar! Jayde Adams! Spencer

Jones, he's disappeared. The Brett Domino Trio, there they are. They're

going straight into counselling! We are so sorry! Lou Sanders, she was

fantastic! Before we go, we have one last bit of business, and that's the

final total for the night. Are we going to see the total upon this

screen? Let's get ready to be enthusiastic, because I don't think

there is a total coming. OK, the total for tonight...

These are packed full of nutrients and are amazing

for malnourished children like Divine.

They're very often the difference between life and death.

There you go, so that was an optimistic week to end on.

it's Fantastic Beats and Where to Find Them,

hosted by those fantastic beasts, Jonathan Ross and Noel Fielding.

They're taking a look back at all the best musical performances

and sketches from the past 30 years of Comic Relief.

Remain fully conscious, never yield to it!

But before that, and because you've all been generous beyond my wildest

dreams, here's a sketch featuring some of the biggest stars

in the world and the biggest star in the universe.

Show we set up some sort of tribal, we can't probably live together.

You're not going anywhere yet, maintain your enthusiasm as we

maintain the millennium dome! Thanks for your generosity, I'm Russell

Brand, good night! Stephen Hawking has used the same

trademark voice for over 30 years. This year, he decided it was time

for a change. As word got out for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity,

offers began to flood in. We have been granted privileged access to

the casting process as Professor Hawking reviews the audition tapes

from the hopeful applicants. Trying to find my new voice. Surely it has

to be me? Listen to my voice. It's deep, it's sexy, I'm here for the

role of Stephen Hawking. Hello, Stephen, it Stephen. Listen,

I think my voice would endow your presence with an enormous authority.

You would also be able to use many cogently... My earpiece has gone.

You would be able to use lots of long words and stuff. A number of

people decided to do what they do best. My job is to fight stars.

Clause is to count them. I don't know who you are. I don't know what

you want. It has to be a yes from you. Not a chance. I heard that a

bunch of BLEEP are trying to get you to take them. Who better than the

soothing voice I have got? I don't think anyone would take me BLEEP

seriously if I sounded like that. Some people clearly weren't told

what they were auditioning for. Frankly, it ought to be a musical.

I'm thinking something like Everybody's Hawking. The greatest

enemy to knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge.

That sounded like I have class and sophistication. It's not looking

good. I would sound like an idiot if that was my voice.

# Memory, you have photographic memory. Stephen, I know what you're

thinking. Sexy! Who wouldn't want to sound like me? Not a chance. Mr

Hawking! Steve, listen, I'm the best man for the job. I've been to space

before. You talk about space, I've lived it. Wowsers. Some celebrities

were insulted that they even needed to audition. If they want me to go

through that again, there will have to pay me a shed load of cash. I

know Eddie did a good job, I could have played you so much better.

After a long session watching desperate celebrities try and win

him over, Stephen finally decided... Yes, that's my new voice. And

prepared to unveil it the next day. Hello. My name is Stephen Hawking.

You're only supposed to blow the bloody atom!

Now obviously, you know there was a lot of transmission because you saw

it at home. What you missed was some excellent television presenting by

me. Wasn't I good? But you missed the grand total. This is ultimately

about helping people, and we do need money to change people's lives. The

total that you missed because of the loss of transmission, and let's not

get called conspiratorial about that, what's ?71 million ?380,000,

and it has come from you! You are the people who have given this

money. Thank you! We are going to have to add this audience to the

people who require urgent help and water. We are handing over now to

safe hands, the hands of Jonathan Ross and Noel Fielding. They are

going to look at some of the best musical moments in Comic Relief

history. Stay tuned for that and more chaos. I'm Russell Brand, thank