The Best Of Red Nose Day Comic Relief


The Best Of Red Nose Day

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It is March the 24th 2017, welcome to another great today here in

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London town. Don't worry, it is Red Nose Day!

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# Get crazy, shout are! # Chill out, relax, and give, go on,

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dip into your --! # Comics all and new, rounding up

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the talent who had nothing else to do...

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# It's going to be a crazy night, no jokes about my height!

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# Got a gorgeous twinkle in my eye...

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# We will only stay for seven hours. # It will make you happy!

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# Gangnam styled... # Had, sexy lady!

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# You won't believe that we all showed up!

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# A paradise... # We promise no pun is, just a night

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of one! Are you joking?! # Just give to our good cause to

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day! # So if you've got a quid, just give

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it to a kid! # Don't be selfish on this Red Nose

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Day fine! Friday night saw an incredible

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night of comedy. # We are going to embrace chaos even

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further! Up and down the country,

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we shared laughter and shed tears. She was really smiling and she just

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started crying. Your generosity has helped transform

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the lives of people all over the world, as you dug

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deep to raise... Shut up, Infinity, and no return!

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From all of us at Comic Relief, we want to say thank you,

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as we bring you the highlights from a very special

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Please welcome Jonathan Ross and Sir Lenny Henry! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.

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Welcome to the only show that needs a government health warning, we live

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and of rehearsals are anything to go by, we will get into a lot of

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trouble with the BBC! It will be will wed the ban if we can raise a

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huge amount of money, are you with me?

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Yes! # Got your lipstick mark

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still on your coffee cup # In the twist of separation

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You excelled at being free # Can't you find a little

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room inside for me? # Whatever I said, whatever

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I did, I didn't mean it # Want you back, want you

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back, want you back for good # Whenever I'm wrong, just tell me

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the song and I'll sing it # Want you back, want you

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back, want you back for good #. Now, you guys have never

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tried to make it here, but was there ever a point

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where you thought about We had this hilarious

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meeting in London. These two guys from the New York

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record company flew in, and they literally spent an hour

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telling us, "We're going to do this, We'll go to Vegas and

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do this radio thing. And then we'll hit them

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with marketing in New York and do And what do you think,

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after an hour, full-on? The silence went down the line

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until it got to Howard. I think you've just got

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to get the word out. Will you listen to the music,

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and play it for friends? Tweet it, Instagram it,

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do the whole thing, OK? Your wives will love it,

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your kids will love it. What are you going

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to tell people, sir? They are the biggest group

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in the world and we just met them! Excuse me, gents,

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are you music fans? I feel like we've got

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the word out there. Are there any customers in there

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that are interested in new music? This is our first big

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store performance, OK? This is going back to the days

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of Woolworths and Our Price. This is the stuff

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that breaks people. Ladies and gentlemen,

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it's Take That! Ladies and gentlemen,

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for their first performance as TT3 in Los Angeles,

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please welcome Take That! # When the time grew

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near for me to show my love # Hiding from a word

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I need to hear now # But the nights were

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always warm with you # But the morning

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always comes too soon # Hoping that I'll be a part

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of you again someday... Ladies and gentlemen,

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that was Take That! Tell your friends,

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tell your friends! Let's go, let's go,

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let's go, let's go! Tell you what, guys, it's small

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steps, but we're making inroads. Is there anything like

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us out here, James? All you need to do is

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call 03457 9-10 9-10. Or you can donate through

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a simple text message. 100% of your donation

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will go to Comic Relief. You must be 16 or over and please

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ask the bill payer's permission. For full terms and conditions

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and more information, please go And with Gift Aid, you can claim an

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extra 25p. So please say yes because every penny makes a huge difference.

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Hello, Billy Connelly here asking for your cash.

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I've got cancer and Parkinson's, and I definitely need a

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We've got people all over the UK older than me who

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are really living tough lives, and I'd love you to help them.

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One evening, she turned round and she looked at me

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And the bottom dropped out of my world then.

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This is Jo, she was diagnosed with dementia at just 57 years old.

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It was a devastating discovery for her and her

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And she said, unfortunately, you've got early-onset

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And this is Margaret, struggling to cope with

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the loss of her husband, the love of her life.

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Where do you go when your soul mate, partner, lover, has gone?

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And you, you amazing people out there.

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Young, old, and somewhere in-between.

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Your cash helps people like this, grand people whose life has

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And I'd ask you tonight to do it again, or

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Although if it's the first time watching Red Nose

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Day, you probably don't even know me!

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I'm the hilarious comedian with a weird

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beard, who once took off all my clothes for Comic Relief.

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What matters is you, tonight, at home, and this

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amazing power to completely change someone's life.

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I really hope you'll find it in your hearts to give

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It'll be simple and marvellous and you'll be so proud of yourselves.

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You can be part of a life-saving miracle tonight, if you can just

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. # That is very dangerous.

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Are you going anywhere near Port Talbot?

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I'm going to put on some music so that we can have

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# Every now and then I get a little bit lonely...

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# Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound

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# Every now and then I get a little bit nervous...

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# Every now and then I get a little bit terrified

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# And then I see the look in your eyes

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# Every now and then I fall apart And I need you now tonight

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# And I need you more than ever If you'd only hold me tight

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# We'll be holding on forever And we'll only be making it right

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Are you gamers? They said I would meet famous people if I came here

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today. Are you famous? Do you know Adele? Can I meet her? Adele is not

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here. This is not about getting on the telly and being famous people.

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Ed Sheeran is backstage. Izzy backstage? He is famous, but Ginger,

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it don't really count. Everyone is here because they care about others

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less well off and they want to do a little bit to make a difference. You

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have contributed zero, don't know anyone and do nothing. Thank you.

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The whole country has been watching you. What have you got to say for

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yourself? Am I bothered? Am I bothered? Do you think I am

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bothered? I don't care, mate. Look at my face, right? Is any part of me

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bothered? Somebody call her parents. Look, says, bothered, I don't care.

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Buzzards, phase, Red Nose Day, I ain't bothered, I don't care, I

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don't bother. Ed Sheeran, baked beans, shave your head. I don't

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care, I ain't bothered. You are in Harry Potter, innit? That will give

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you a red nose. # God only knows what I would be

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without you. # God only knows what I would be

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without you. I'll get it. Who is it? He is not

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going to believe that, it is March. They are raising money for Red Nose

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Day. Not again. Give them a quid and tell them to go away.

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# Silent night, holy night. # All is calm, all is white.

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That is a nice idea. Yes, thank you, we are very happy.

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Do you like the beard? I don't like it either.

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Tomorrow is Red Nose Day and we hope everyone will be giving a little

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cash to this great cause. Back in number ten after five years away and

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here is a little song to loosen your loose change.

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MUSIC: "Hotline Bling" by Drake.

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# You got a reputation for yourself now

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# Everybody knows and I feel left out...

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# You started wearing less and goin' out more

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# Glasses of champagne out on the dance floor

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# Hangin' with some girls I've never seen before

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How many times have I told you not to dance down the stairs?

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When I hear that hotline bling, that can only mean one thing.

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I liked it best when you worked for me.

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So, Billy Mack, welcome back to the airwaves.

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Billy, you have released a charity single, and it's a cover version

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of the ZZ Top classic Gimme All Your Lovin'.

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Yes, except we've changed the word "lovin'" to "money".

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a wonderful charity supporting children.

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No, the truth is, I like the kids who buy my records.

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Even you must have noted how short and selfish they are.

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I've got an autobiography coming out and I need a bit of publicity.

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Billy, I see you haven't got your manager with you today.

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Tell me, has he finally left you, after you being so rude about him?

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Well, for giving an honest answer to a question.

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That never happens here at Radio Watford.

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Ask me anything you like, I'll tell you the truth.

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OK, I probably asked you this last time you were here....

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It's definitely one of the Kardashians.

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Are you looking for anything in particular?

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It'll be ready in the jiffiest of jiffies.

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This is so much more than just a bag.

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Do you remember the first time I drove you?

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I remember looking at you and thinking,

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I wished you could speak Portuguese, so I could tell you how I felt.

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There was something about central heating, wasn't there?

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By the way, very attractive turtleneck today.

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Can we have rice with it this time, though?

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I'm getting a little tired of stir-fry.

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And, of course, the yoghurt-coated raisins.

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I know, I thought I'd give you a surprise visit.

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The surprise is, you have to pay for my flight.

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No, I'm just wearing high-heeled trainers.

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I'm worried. You haven't been in touch.

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I know, I'm sorry. I've just had a lot on my mind.

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I can help you with money, you know. I'm loaded.

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Well, it's more of a love thing, actually.

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You should have had this sorted out ages ago.

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the only person you've ever genuinely been in love with

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was that cute, wee girl, the singer at school.

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We met up in New York and, er, well, that's why we're here.

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I was wondering if I could ask for your son's hand in marriage.

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All you want for Christmas is this stringbean?

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Prime Minister, what happened to your arm?

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I fell down the stairs while dancing to Hotline Bling.

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I believe it happened to Palmerston as well.

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Yes, Prime Minister, when you came to power the first time,

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You said that the power of good could finally win,

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14 years later, do you still feel as upbeat?

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Obviously, times for many people have got harder and people

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And it's not just in politics that things are tough.

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Usain Bolt has run his last Olympics.

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The Harry Potter films have finished.

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But let's look at the other side of the coin.

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Metallica's new album is an absolute cracker.

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And on a deeper level, I'm optimistic.

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Wherever you see tragedy, you see bravery too.

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Wherever you see ordinary people in need,

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you see extraordinary ordinary people come to their aid.

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Today's Red Nose Day, and people are giving their hard-earned cash

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to people who they'll never meet, but whose pain and fear

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So it's not just romantic love which is all around.

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Most people still, every day, everywhere, have enough love

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in their heart to help human beings in trouble.

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Prime Minister, what do you think is the best

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I want to talk about the famine that has been on the news recently. We

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have been doing this a long time back in 1994, there was a horrible

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famine in Ethiopia and Sudan and some bright spark said, I know, send

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a bunch of comedians to help! Worst idea ever! I am so proud of

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everything we have achieved together, Comic Relief is working to

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give long-term change in gradually change entire communities for the

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better. But sometimes, really big stuff happens which upsets an entire

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country. Two years ago, we gave life-saving help when Ebola struck

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in Africa and there is this crisis across four countries across Africa

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now, it is real and very frightening. More than half the

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population of Yemen is hungry, half a country. Tonight, 20 million

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people do not know whether next meal is coming from, there is no food at

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all, parents watching their children die of hunger before their eyes. Set

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up Comic Relief after a famine and it is crazy not to give money to

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night to help this intense emergency. You, the brilliant and

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generous British public, have the power to save lives right now. If

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you can part with money tonight and next week, we can reach families

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literally starving to death. This is an opportunity right now to be part

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of the news in a good way, to save a life tonight. Please, please, please

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give what you can. You know the details, I will not say them again,

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you can see how easy it is to do. Go online... Hit the donate button and

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give what you can. Or pick up the phone and dialled... Or send a text.

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Text yes. Welcome to Your Mum: a little game

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that unearths a few embarrassing secrets about our hosts and,

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more importantly, Romesh and his mum Shanti

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m and Joel and Penny. For the sons and daughters

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I will read out some statements made by your mum and you have to think

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if it was your mum or one of the other mothers

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by holding up your plate. On one side, it says my mum

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and on the other, it says your mum. These are all absolutely true

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facts your kids do not know about. Here we go, fact number one,

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one of the mothers said this... I once caught my partner talking

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to another woman, to get him back I used his toothbrush to clean

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the entire house, sinks Was that your mum or one

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of the other mums? That's such a maternal thing

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to do, because you get revenge, but the house

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is immaculate afterwards. Did you clean everything

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with the toothbrush, the toilet? Don't know if you will still be

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talking after this one. Which one of your mums had some fun

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with an '80s pop star? I can tell you that the pop

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star was Meatloaf. Sorry, sorry, hello, high! He

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touched me! Hello! Nice! Lovely, a bit feminine, but lovely. The Sun,

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what is going on, I am not sure Ed knows the Comic Relief rules, a

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silly rule which I will stick by. It demands that the musical act, they

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have to kiss with passion and considerable meaning, the tallest

:37:00.:37:08.

host of tonight. It is a role. It is my first year, I don't know! Yes, it

:37:09.:37:16.

is a rule, so... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. You have got

:37:17.:37:27.

lit bomb on so... No, that is not fair! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. I just

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remembered something, sorry, it is the tallest female hose that gets

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the kiss! -- host. It's been over three years

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since the outbreak of Ebola killed When was the last time

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you went to school? I think that is going to happen, you

:38:15.:39:15.

have got a beautiful voice! The thing preventing her getting her

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dreams, she has not got a dad and it is up to her to bring in money. She

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is only 12. Last thing I wanted this trip to be

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was to be the celebrity who comes over to Africa and cries on TV

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and says, "Send your money over." I really wanted to come and be like,

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everything is positive, I don't know, just

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singing with that girl... She was smiling and she just started

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crying. Yeah, she just got really

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choked up about it. I watch Comic Relief every single

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year, and this is always I always think, no,

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is it really that bad? Then I sort of turn

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up and, yes, it is. That is just one story out here, it

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was the smiley as the girl who came up to us. I have tried to speak to

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so many and she is the smiley as and she has got that story, so God

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This is the really important thing...

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To send a girl like Peaches to school for a whole year is only ?45.

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So please give what you can, you can completely change lives tonight,

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thank you. Please welcome my next guest, Tom

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Daley, the diver. Are you not hot? Yes, I am hot! So take it off! To

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compare our bodies? That is a good idea! Right, OK, when we go to a

:41:56.:42:02.

swimming pool, why do we have a shower, it is a big bat anyway!

:42:03.:42:06.

Hygiene, bacteria, that kind of stuff. Do they put Blue Day into a

:42:07.:42:15.

slim import to stop people being in them? No. It is a myth, I have been

:42:16.:42:21.

holding it in for no reason? You probably should not be doing that

:42:22.:42:28.

anyway! Mr perfect! The serious business, raising money for Africa,

:42:29.:42:32.

if people pledge, you are happy to do a charity dive, I presume? Into

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the hot tub? Yes, we will get you a dive chair. I cannot do that! Don't

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you care about charity, Tom? Of course, but two feet of water, I

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cannot do that! So why have we got a diver, anyone?! No, no! What was

:42:52.:43:03.

that? Nothing. It had to be something. Somebody has said if I

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take my top off, they will give money to charity. It is not

:43:08.:43:13.

happening, all right? It is for a good cause. The dive was for a good

:43:14.:43:15.

cause, Tom! It's all going to be very tasteful

:43:16.:43:25.

and actually really sexy, OK? Now, I've only rented

:43:26.:43:37.

this place for an hour, Come on, Ed, mate.

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Trying to do a shoot here. Yeah, it's not all about you, Ed.

:43:40.:43:46.

Jesus Christ. # We could change this

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whole world with a piano # Grab a bass, some

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guitar, add a beat # Everybody's talking

:43:54.:43:56.

'bout exponential growth # And the stock market

:43:57.:44:05.

crashing in their portfolios # While I'll be sitting

:44:06.:44:09.

here with a song that I wrote Everybody, come follow we

:44:10.:44:13.

Song that I wrote... And check out the stars

:44:14.:44:26.

on my rogue MC My little kiddy

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flight, you can tell I'm nonstop Dropping off

:44:29.:44:39.

vinyls, merch and caps But first of all

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you need electricity Don't worry, I'm on the case

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Cos here he comes on the escalator It's a generator from

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Brentford to Africa # Ain't got a soapbox

:44:55.:44:57.

I can stand upon And I hold the microphone

:44:58.:44:59.

like a lyrical gun # Daddy told

:45:00.:45:03.

me, son, don't you get involved And when I'm on the mic

:45:04.:45:05.

I'm lyrically cold... # Ain't got a soapbox

:45:06.:45:10.

I can stand upon And I hold the microphone

:45:11.:45:12.

like a lyrical gun # Daddy told

:45:13.:45:17.

me, son, don't you get involved Cos when I'm on the

:45:18.:45:19.

mic, I'm lyrically pure, Kuruption! And check out the stars

:45:20.:45:24.

on my rogue MC Help me teach the

:45:25.:45:32.

females how to wind Listen to the rhyme

:45:33.:45:49.

and wind and deliver Don't be sad cos you

:45:50.:45:51.

ain't had your dinner Just turn up the bass

:45:52.:45:53.

and raise your gun finger Killing killing them

:45:54.:45:56.

dressed like a militant Owning the mic on the

:45:57.:45:58.

back of an elephant Listen to the UK G message

:45:59.:46:00.

we spread On the Kurupt

:46:01.:46:02.

FM, the rest are irrelevant I wanna be President

:46:03.:46:04.

So all of the people can represent Turn your water into champers

:46:05.:46:07.

And tell you it's original skankers I'm a lyrical panther

:46:08.:46:13.

I'm in a pet now pamper Turn your water into

:46:14.:46:16.

champers And tell you it's

:46:17.:46:18.

original skankers... I mean, this is offensive,

:46:19.:46:20.

this is offensive. Eddie, we've still got

:46:21.:46:24.

the spear throwing scene. I'm a lyrical panther

:46:25.:46:28.

I'm in a pet now pamper And tell you it's

:46:29.:46:44.

original skankers... With your help, the number

:46:45.:47:09.

of children dying from malaria each But malaria is still one

:47:10.:47:12.

of the biggest killers Even though it is

:47:13.:47:15.

preventable and treatable. This is the children's ward in one

:47:16.:47:20.

of Malawi's biggest hospitals. Most of the children

:47:21.:47:23.

here are suffering from malaria. The problem is so consuming there

:47:24.:47:29.

aren't enough beds to go around. She laughs, she cries and,

:47:30.:47:35.

like many children of her age, Her mother, Mary,

:47:36.:47:46.

is desperately poor. There aren't any malaria testing

:47:47.:47:53.

kits in her village. So she's had no choice

:47:54.:47:58.

but to walk for three hours, carrying her daughter

:47:59.:48:02.

to the nearest hospital. All the time, her little girl's

:48:03.:48:05.

blood was being destroyed Doctor Columbo is doing

:48:06.:48:09.

everything he can to save her. If only Mtunduwatha had been

:48:10.:48:31.

diagnosed even a day earlier, she might not now be fighting

:48:32.:48:52.

for her life. ?30 you give would pay for 100

:48:53.:49:17.

children to be diagnosed. # When I heard that sound, I was

:49:18.:50:44.

thinking about # When my skin grows old and my bed

:50:45.:50:55.

turns cold, I will be thinking about # The sadness from my heart

:50:56.:51:04.

# Helpless I surrender shackled by your love their Mac holding you

:51:05.:51:16.

quite near, poison on your lips, # Silence is so

:51:17.:51:29.

hard # It is so hard.

:51:30.:51:37.

# Turn around, you're holding on to someone

:51:38.:52:25.

# It was almost love. #

:52:26.:53:43.

Jonathan Ross, I have never interviewed you. And thank you very

:53:44.:54:12.

much to what I think is the most important Slovak on the television.

:54:13.:54:18.

It is a pleasure to be here. Good luck, Gordon. Thank you. I can peel

:54:19.:54:30.

a banana with my feet. OK, let's do it. Where do you want it? Pull the

:54:31.:54:41.

table out of the way. Here we go, oh, my God. It is like planet Earth.

:54:42.:54:51.

My feet are bit sweaty! Oh, and there it is. Yes! Oh! David, David,

:54:52.:55:04.

is the culprit in broad church sitting somewhere on this server?

:55:05.:55:15.

Well, Lenny is looking a bit guilty. It must be weird walking around

:55:16.:55:22.

knowing. I know. I feel hugely powerful. I do know because we have

:55:23.:55:27.

filmed the end of the series. You did not know in the first series? We

:55:28.:55:33.

had absolutely no idea, so when you are doing an interview seen you have

:55:34.:55:39.

no idea or not. What was your special trick? Can you do it?

:55:40.:55:46.

Basically I... I am going to try and do this. If anyone wants to try and

:55:47.:55:53.

do it, I am probably going to fail. What is it called? It has no name,

:55:54.:56:04.

you can name it if you want. This is Cara Delevingne doing something. Oh,

:56:05.:56:20.

God. Oh! Oh, oh, oh. The concentration! That is incredible,

:56:21.:56:32.

everyone. She is getting back up. We have had a great laugh tonight, but

:56:33.:56:36.

I want to talk to you about something very serious. No one in

:56:37.:56:42.

this century should die of hunger. It is nonsense and an obscenity. I

:56:43.:56:45.

would like you to watch this film tonight.

:56:46.:57:03.

This is divine, weighing just 4.5 kilos. His life is in danger.

:57:04.:57:14.

He's got chubby cheeks, and every chance of a

:57:15.:57:23.

And that's thanks to you, the money you raised to help

:57:24.:57:28.

These are packed full of nutrients and are amazing

:57:29.:57:31.

for malnourished children like Divine.

:57:32.:57:33.

They're very often the difference between life and death.

:57:34.:57:37.

Before we go, I have one bit of last business. It is the final hurdle. We

:57:38.:58:16.

will see it on the screen. It will be rendered and revealed. The total

:58:17.:58:28.

for tonight so far is... We have raised more money than we

:58:29.:58:31.

anticipated. Millions in the last hour. Whilst these people were

:58:32.:58:40.

having their psyches destroyed, more money was rolling in. Thank you very

:58:41.:58:43.

much. Stay together, behave yourselves. Thanks, all of you, for

:58:44.:58:50.

watching. Every time we ask you to give, you step up to the plate and

:58:51.:58:55.

you never let us down. You are beautiful people in a glorious

:58:56.:58:57.

world.

:58:58.:58:58.

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