Part 2 Comic Relief's Big Chat with Graham Norton

This is proper rubbish. How are we going to sort this mess out? What

Africa. Yes, in the long-term, I'm in this

year's Comic Relief. It really is rubbish at the moment. What are we

going to do? I have had a no from Blue. It is no. No. No. We need

someone to just tell them what to to do.

Hello. Hi. Is that Smithy? Who is this?

Lenny. Who? Lenny Henry. Do I know you?. Lenny Henry From

Live And Unleashed. No, I think you got the wrong

number. I'm the grooi from the premier --

guy from the Premier Inn adverts. Lenny.

We need your help with Comic Relief. Any chance you can give us a hand?

I'm seeing a mate. He has been away for a while.

Please. All right. I'll come in now. But

this is the last time. Idiot. Who was that then? Comic

Relief. I have got to go in now. You said we we were going to get my

photos. Can I come to Comic Relief? No. You don't want me to come

because you don't want to be seen with a gay man. I have seen you

with Gav. What you get up to in your spare

time is up to you. Can I come to Comic Relief? This is

your joke George. It is embarrassing. I can't walk into

Comic Relief with you. Comic Relief is about helping people like you!

Don't put your sad face on. Fine. Fine. Be like that.

I will just listen to some music. I love this one, don't you?

# Call me good # Call me bad

# Call me anything you want to, baby

# And I know what you said # And I know I made you happy with

the one thing that you never had # Baby, I'm your man

# You know that, baby I'm your man # You bet, if you're going to do it

right, do it right, right do it with me

# If you're going to do it right, do it with me #

Right, I'm going in. You wait here, OK? Don't go wandering around

looking for trouble. All right. All right. Where am I going to go?

will be back in a bit. Love you. I won't be long.

What's going on in here? We're trying to work out who is

going to do what for Comic Relief. Tennant and Dee have left for

Africa. They went on their own steam.

Disrespectful. You may not be live on Channel 4,

but please don't swear. We really need a little bit of order had in

here. These events are about strategy when we pitch for the 2012

Olympics we had a ten point plan. Lord Coe, why is that relevant?

Because that's how we won the 2012 bid.

I want to go to Africa. I just want to give back. It is heartbreaking,

these kids live in such poverty and the words words quidage and

Hogwarts mean nothing to them. Would you go go your own? Yeah.

would be really good if you could go with someone else from the film

otherwise you are a ginger kid walking around with sunburn. I will

Anyone got any objections to Ron and the albino kid going to Africa?

I would like to go. I think the work that Comic Relief is doing and

it is amazing and I have got a bit of time on my hands and I would

love to go. Hang on, if he is going then... He is a great guy. Gordon,

Gordon. Big dog. Gordon Brown. We have talked about this before,

right, it will be really, really hot. You know what you get like

even under the studio lights. We are talking searing heat. There

will be little kids jumping all over you, pulling your hair, you

will have a radio mike on the whole time! You go calling a malnourished

African a Leicester Piggott that could go for harm than good.

You are right, I shouldn't go. would like to see him on Let's

Dance For Comic Relief. I have been thinking about doing a duet with

JLS. I have been trying to do something

with Tinie Tempah for a long time. # Everybody in love

# Put your hands up # If you are you are

# Put your hands up... Don't Don't take the piss.

It would be a fantastic opportunity to go to Africa. It is a once-in-a-

lifetime experience. I would be thrilled to go. That's great. It is

It is brilliant and some people will want to see the bloke out of

the vicar of dib bli of -- Vicar Of Dibley wandering Africa. What

everyone wants to see is Del Boy, Boycie, Marlene. You will be

millionaires. You won't, you will be giving out mange tout.

dipstick. # Why do only fools and horses work?

# La-la-la # La-lala-la

# La-la-la # La-lala-la #

That's a bit weird. Rio, what about you? I would love

to go. I feel I should. I am from the same rough background as these

kids. I understand their plight, but it is up to you guys. If I

could pull it off, if you think I can do it then yeah.

He has over 300,000 people following him on Twitter.

's businessman. He has his own clothing line.

He is good friends with David Beckham whom I worked closely with

when we delivered the Olympic Games. I won the Champions League, the

Premier League a few times. I was being humble. Of course, I should

Keep your pants on, Rio. Anyone in favour of Rio, one, two,

three, four, five... He can't go. He can't cry on camera.

I can. You can't. You know you can't. If

you can't cry, you can't go. She has got a point. Everybody

knows that tears are the first rule of a good Comic Relief film.

I can cry. Go on. We have got to see those tears my man.

Oh! I used to be able to do this, man. Pathetic. Awful. Told you.

Sorry, it wasn't meant to be. right, so who is going? I will go.

Count me in. Very happy to go. too. To know I've helped just one

child somewhere in the world makes it worthwhile. Good point. I

believe that children are the future. Whitney Houston. Always --

all those in favour of Keira, say yes. She can't go, don't take this

the wrong way but you are too good looking. You'll be out there in a

little white vest, the sun on your back, sweat dripping down. People

will not be looking at starving African, they will say lucky

bastard, he has his hands all over her. JLS, Dermott, you are

borderline. In the 2012 meetings we have more order than this. Will you

shut up about 2012? It might come as a shock to you but some things

are not about the Olympics! Do you ever wear any clothes? This is

ridiculous. You know what, if anyone should go, it should be me.

Yes, sure, I am not some big celebrity. I am just a plumber. A

handyman from bigger -- from Billericay. But that is exactly why

I should go. I have got skills. I can actually help. I can go out

there, still some Wells, put up a few shacks, install their Sky Plus.

It is what I do, it is why I am here. I can help there are those

less fortunate than ourselves and as I stand before you now... Eggs.

I love you, Smithy. None I am The biggest load of rubbish I have

ever heard. What? You can't go. because I'm not famous? No, because

you what they bloater. They don't like tubbies in Africa. If they eat

less food themselves, nobody would be starving. Here here. I have kept

quiet, I have heard what people have got to say but you all know

that the only person around this table that will go is me. I was in

the biggest rock and roll band in the history of music. It is a bit

disrespectful, in front of JLS. have had a longer career than all

of you put together. My music has touched millions of people around

the world by -- and I am the last remaining Beatle. What about me? I

am one of the last remaining Beatles. Oh, God. Anybody's

disagree? Well, that is decided. Nice one, Sir Macca. You are doing

this year's appeal film in Africa. Right, is there anything else

because I have to make waiting in the car? Good, meeting adjourned.

How did it go? Sir Macca is doing the appeal film,

Gordon Brown is rapping with JLS. A good day's work. Not as good as

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 176 seconds

We'll come back to Comic Relief's Big Chat. There is much excitement

in the studio because it is a fresh audience. Low, the smell of booze

and cheap perfume. It is delicious! Welcome back to Comic Relief's big

Chad. It is the biggest chat show in the history of chat shows. Don't

worry, we have got tons of guests still to come. Hold on to your hats

because we have passed the watershed so this is the Big Chat

late night. Oh yeah. They could be swearing, they could be nudity,

scenes of an adult nature. Yes. And, of course, tonight we are really

here to raise money for Comic Relief and must we are doing it I

am trying to break the world record for the most number of questions

ever asked on a TV show. Smell me! The other thing I can reveal their

exclusively tonight on the show, Amelie Sunday will not be here. I

know, it was hard. I had to break up her dressing room. She had The

One Show, she will not be on, all year, it is the only one. We get

are getting a lot of press about it. It is pretty impressive. Because I

am facing such a big challenge, I have a series of chat show bodies

to help me through the night and it is time to get the next one on, one

of the funniest chat show hosts People at home will know how this

works but people in the studio do not. It is a fake computer. We hit

that and we pretend some random guests come out. It is like the

lottery show. It is like the lottery, except that is real, isn't

it? Yes. OK, let's see why our next guest of the Firth -- that the Who

are first guest is of the next It is Kirstie Allsopp and James

Hello. Hello, sir. You be careful. Sorry, sorry. Let me sit down on my

desk, it is tiring work. You're very welcome. I feel that I am the

only one who has a drink. Other people have been bringing on their

drinks with straws on things. but I thought my mum might be

watching. She knows your drink. She saw you at Christmas. Do you want

some booze? I could not comment. No? I want some booze. Please

never ask me that question ever again. You said the wisest and most

profound thing to me once. I said that I had stopped drinking and I

felt a bit better. Do you remember what you said? No. That is the

thing when you stop drinking, you feel better, you just never feel

fantastic! That is true, that is so true. That stuck with me. I have

recorded it on cushions. People used to say to me, the great thing

is about not drinking you can remember what you did the night

before and I say, yes, nothing. James Nesbitt, congratulations to

you. For surviving New Zealand. Hand long were you in New Zealand

and the Hobbit? I was in New Zealand for 18 months and in the

Hobbit for 18 years. It is a long time, isn't it? It is fantastic. It

is amazing country, a wonderful experience, ups and downs. I took

my family, my kids. You are wearing a Shoreditch trendy hat. It is a

had a male model wears in the winter. I thought it was Russell

Brand. I did not know it was you until you spoke and I said, it is

James Nesbitt. He has one of the towards that comes from where I

come from. That is lucky. It made sense that I did three months of

dialect coaching. Did you really? We did a bit of that. We did a lot

of different training and dwarf boot camp. Give me regions in

Middle Earth to? I am Bofur, from the west coast, which we call

County Antrim. Do you have to go back? Is it done now? I go back in

May, for three months, which could be longer than that. I can't wait,

it is a fantastic... We had a wonderful time. The mornings,

getting into three hours of prosthetics can be a challenge, but

they look after you very well. It is a crew of 500 and you work very

hard. At the end of every week they had the executive, not from Ireland,

he had a wheel of Fortune, and the crew put money in and you could win

incredible prizes. You could win a holiday in a lodge, tickets for a

cup final, cash, but I won one weekend I got a prize to hold

Eric's balls. Was that a prize? would be for some people. At the

end of every take you have to hold these balls to do with the CGI, I

travelled at 11 and a half 1000 miles to hold Eric's balls. It was

only supposed to be two films, wasn't it? They made it into three.

Was very grim day when you thought, we're nearly finished, nearly going

home now. I think... There was, wasn't there? I think it was a

surprise to some of us, but Duff as I say, I can't wait to go back and

Peter, he is brilliant, down to earth, a Hobbit genius. He films so

much stuff. I look forward to it. Hasn't it grossed over $1 billion?

I saw such a huge slice of a billion dollars. Can I say I

contributed �10.50 to that? Did you really? Yes, I paid. I did not pay.

I saw it though. I think you enjoy it more when you pay. I mean films!

Kirstie Allsopp. Graham Norton. have been turning from a lady

saying do you want to live here, to a lady who says do you want to

leave here with these things pinned to a fireplace? I still do it.

still do the other one? Yes, six months of the year with Phil, who

then goes to Australia, but I do the crafts and he comes back from

Australia, which is next weekend we get on with location, location,

location. Were people in Channel Four at Bikey you. White Serie B,

back off, I'll fix up the kitchen. -- like Sarah BME. She is

sledgehammer territory, I'm sewing it on a cushion, like you. I am

crafted. Is it something you came up with for Telecom or do you do

this stuff genuinely? I do a helluva lot of fixing and mending,

but I have always been... cycling? Are you a bumbling -- one

will? I am an ambition -- I am an ambassador for Keep Britain Tidy

and a Wombles. I intend to pick up dog poo bags on my street for a

week for Comic Relief. That is lovely! Who was putting the Pill in

the backs? Mite unfortunate neighbours seem to think it is OK

to pick up the dog poo and leave the back. I have never understood

that. Nor have I. Particularly in the winter, it is warm in your

pocket. Lovely. The I thought a woman with a dog in the park and

she had a plastic glove and it squatted and she put her hand

underneath. It never actually touched the ground. I was so

tempted to shout, how is that? Yet, then she pulled Douglas beautifully.

People do that, padded up and put it on the floor. My big dog, Bailey,

he scratched -- crouched to do his pill and I had the bag ready and it

was a trick, where is the Pooh? Where is the Pooh? I don't know

what he had done he must have slipped as he got up and he had sat

It was like a messy episode of Call The Midwife.

How many dogs have you got? Two. You confessed to me that your house

is filthy. It has has two big dogs in it that

are covered in shit, of course, it is messy.

I read about the Twitter Million and I don't understand.

I don't understand. Ask her to explain Twitter Million.

That went well. I don't understand Twitter Million

and every day you get another e- mail about Twitter Million and I

think I'm going to collect the e- mails and and auction them off

because they are hysterical like Rufus Hound to Lily Allen, the e-

mails are valuable. But how does it make money? We are

trying to get everybody who follows us on Twitter which is like six

million people, ten million people because the people who join, their

followers go up and up and nobody thinks that perhaps these people

follow the same people. Anyway, you raise �50 and �50 is easy to raise.

If we said, "Let's raise �50." For doing something like like cooking a

meal or babysitting or ironing and �50 is do-able and on Twitter

Million you can join peoples teams and you can be on Clare Balding's

team. LAUGHTER

Can I ask a question? This is a question question I never thought I

would ask on Comic Relief. Where does the dog shit come in in? Emma

esm mails us -- Emma e-mails us and says, "You are great, do more." She

said if you do a Just Giving page you can be sponsored and various

people made suggestions for sponsoring which I can't tell you

about because it is too disgusting. I thought if I got sponsored to

pick up the dog poo bags on my street that might be a good thing.

How many? When I take the kids to school, I pass about ten and I only

do half of the street. It is a very very long street. I reckon maybe as

many as 0 a day. -- 20 a day. What is five 20s? 100.

Good at crafts and less good at maths. Carol Vorderman is out the

back. You're safe. You're safe. You brought in some crafts. One.

Did you only bring one in? They are mine. Oh, these are yours? Who made

a bird? Ah, it may look like a bird. No, no,

that's not me. Who made that?

You made that? Yes. Are you embarrassed? That's

terrible. Nobody would want that. love that bird. I loved making it.

It is unfortunate... You loved making it? Making it. If that was

made of chocolate, I would be thrilled.

I I brought it in because not all crafts are are beautiful or

crafts are are beautiful or useful...

LAUGHTER This Is to prove that point!

I think she proved it very, very well.

The feet are impressive. Can we get a close up of the feet? They are

good, the feet. I shoved it in my handbag and when

I got here, the nose fell off and the BBC department stuck it back on

and they have done a good job. Careful.

These are yours, James? My daughter Mary made them long time ago, she

will be 11 tomorrow. But these are when she was a lot younger.

This is sort of beautiful. Oh, is that you?

No. No, it is obvious what that is. That's a seal. It is a seal?

LAUGHTER OK, it is less beautiful now. Are

those whiskers? Yes. How old was she when she made this? I think she

was six. It is very good for six and she has

glazed the eyes and the nose. That's good.

She made an abstract creature. A panda. A panda.

Yes. Is that a panda. There is a game

show in this, isn't there? cannot see that's a panda? Hold on.

There is one thing I always associate with pandas and that's

them being black and white. Yes. Is that black and white.

You think it is no wonder they struggle to mate!

LAUGHTER They don't recognise each other!

It global warming, I thought it was a polar bear melting. I actually

made Graham's jacket. Yeah, thank you very much.

I tried to, but I couldn't. Where did we get this from, America

or something? This is, it is a blanket with woollen meat on it.

That's a Lady Gaga cloak. Is that a Lady Gaga pauncho.

You went, "Ah, that's is a Lady Gaga cloak.". That's meat. The

panda, I can see. But this is meat. And then somebody made these.

They are little glove puppets, OK, do you know who that is? Frank

Skinner. Well done. There is Frank. Lovely.

That's me which I think is pretty good.

That's very good. A very good looking version of you!

It is the full-on version of me. Are you wearing a hockey mask?

That's the bags under my eyes. big white thing.

I'm vomiting! I think they didn't get the names

of the guests properly and they thought Rowan Atkinson was going to

be here! That is supposed to be you. That's

a good Jimmy, I think. Kirsty, I will find you the name

and you can sue! LAUGHTER

No. That is terrible. Everyone looks heavier in felt!

LAUGHTER It adds pounds!

There is even a craft based Comic Relief Funding. Clever crafters are

making lovely dolls. Can we see them? Is there a still somewhere?

There they are. They are really sweet. You would like them,

wouldn't you? I would love them. They are sweet. There is an online

auction which started today. Very good.

KLAXON SOUNDS Hold on. Hold on. That's the world

record update buzzer. Frank you are so good.

Yes. I had to tell Fern Britton what it

was. Well, yes, because Graham is going for a world record tonight.

He is asking the most questions! APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE So...

So... OK.

So... OK. The

So... OK. The total...

So... OK. The total... Yes. The total is... The last time it

was really disappointing. APPLAUSE

Somebody is calculating. Are we we doing all right or do I need to do

a quick time? Apparently that's not good enough. I need to boost so we

need a question booster. I ask you some questions and your answers

have to be five words or more all right? Everyone ready, let's go.

Frank, what do you wear in bed? wear a T-shirt and socks.

LAUGHTER That's all we wanted to know!

I didn't say wear I wear the socks! Kirsty, this is good for a crafter.

How often do you change your bed bedsheets? At least once a week.

No one does. Do you pee the bed or something?

That's a a lot. My fitted sheet looks like the ture the Turin

shroud. James have you everure nated as in

a public swimming bath as an adult? I have not, no. I was once arrested

for indecent behaviour for doing it behind a tree in Belfast.

Was it a small tree? It was a very cold night.

LAUGHTER Frank, who is your childhoodhood

idle? Muhammad Ali and me and my dad who was not always the most

broad minded person, we used to listen to the Ali fights on our own

at 3am. My dad through every punch. High to sit in another room!

LAUGHTER Kirsty, what's your favourite

household chore? It would be ironing.

Is that your favourite Hoovering behind the fridge. Hoover behind

the fridge. St John's Ambulance are standing

How far away from the wall is your fridge? You have to pull it out, if

you don't hoover behind it, you use your electricity. You can reduce by

40% the amount of electricity your fridge uses.

You know what? I can afford it. APPLAUSE

It is not about you Frank, it is about the environment.

Who was your your teenage celebrity crush, James? It was Anna Ford who

used to read the news. Yes. It still is to tell you the

truth. She is gorgeous. My friend's was

Gloria hundredy ford's -- -- -- Gloria Hunniford's.

Kirsty, when you were younger, what did you want to be when you grew

up? I wanted to be a mum and have four children.

Look at you now. James, do you have, this, no, I will just ask it.

What's in your ultimate sandwich? It would be corned beef and brown

sauce. What What about Anna Ford? You had

to go there, Frank. Kirsty, what's the oddest thing you

keep in your handbag? A bird. That bird has been in my handbag all

night and that's how its nose got broken P. Frank, if you could have

any job what would it be? I would like to be an astronaut for a day.

Married to Anna Ford? Maybe. We will never know.

There is someone here from the Guinness Book of Records. Pro-

British sure I am getting the certificate. I don't want to go

ruined attention but I'm getting there. Wouldn't it be annoying if I

did not? After six hours, I do not get a prize? It is time to say

goodbye to my guests, Kirstie Allsopp, James Nesbitt and Frank

Now, all the money that you raise is split between projects in Africa

and right here in the UK, helping thousands of disadvantaged people.

In 2011, Ruth Jones went to visit one and classes. -- Ron and daddies.

Life doesn't run in straight lines. We might have plans and ideas but

no one really knows what lies ahead. I am on my way to spend couple of

days with a devoted husband and wife, who had looked forward to the

time they would spend together in retirement. Hello, Ron. I am Ruth,

lovely to meet you. Ron and Gladys met when they were just 18 and it

was love at first fight. Married in 1949, they have spent nearly all of

their lives together. But they live today has become very different. --

but they live today has become very different.

Hello, Gladys. It is lovely to meet you. I am Ruth. You are Ruth, are

you? Four years ago, Gladys was diagnosed with dementia and they

knew their lives would never be the same again. It is something we

never expected, of course, then it came on and the whole of life has

changed. It was changed out of all proportion. I feed her and I watch

her clothes every day, do all the housework and it seems as if she

has gone back to her child again. I do nothing now, you see, nothing at

all. I can't leave glad this. I feel like a prisoner. -- I can't

believe Kravis. The hardest thing is to know that she will not get

better. What does it feel like for you? Do you sometimes feel as

though you have lost loudest? You are a very loving husband. Do you

think so? Oh, yes. It is a constant thing, relentless. I do not know

how he does it. Good night, sleep well. The biggest help to people

like Ron is to be given time for themselves.

And your money does just that. When Ron drops clad this at a day-care

centre it buys him time and he meets men in the same situation.

Hello. For a few hours from enjoys friendship and encouragement.

Exactly what he needs to prevent a desperate attempt -- isolation that

can come with dementia. We are all going to get gold -- get old,

aren't we? All of us are. It is so easy to dismiss people with

dementia was Alzheimer's and to go, oh, they're just a batty old woman

or a batty old man but, of course, it could happen to so many offers

and I am quite frightened of that happening to me. I hope that I

would be lucky enough to be looked after, if it did happen to me, in

the way that clad this is looked after by Rom. I would like to think

that someone would be looking after the person caring for me and that

is exactly what Comic Relief will do with your money. Because I'd

across the UK, it is supporting people with dementia and those who

Very sadly since that film was made, Lakis has passed away, but the

centre still gives support to Ron and gives others like him and their

friends the support that they really need at a very lonely time.

Please text, because your money Right, it is time to meet the

person propping me up for the next half-an-hour. It is family

favourite from Family Fortunes, Because I see you on the television,

I forget incredibly -- had forget how incredibly talk you are. You

are a man mountain. Are you still going? I am still growing but Peter

Crouch is backstage and we have had a picture taken together and I felt

for foot three inches. Isn't that good? He is massive. For the first

time ever, I felt small. I was talking at a party, it was

ridiculous, like in a queue to see Santa. I was standing beside him.

Hey, hey, let's see who is coming up next. Pit that thing. It could

Ladies and gentlemen, Louis Smith, Adam Hills. Lee Mack. Very nice to

Welcome welcome, welcome. Look at you all, with your bling, Lois

Smith. That is a lot of jewellery. I feel there is an expectation to

wear a bit of bling after strictly. OK. You could have won a medal. You

have a lot of jury at home, I know. Second place would clash with this

oversold he could not wear silver. You had to bring us down. I am

saying it is really good, he could have been third and he wasn't, he

was second. How good are you at the pommel horse? If you need me, I am

over here digging a hole. How does it feel being disrespected for your

gymnastic skills by a comedian? Especially this, a middle-aged,

podgy bloke. Your waste is fooling no one. -- your waist coat. You

must have been really good at sport? I was all right but when you

get to that stage when you grow up... And you really did. You'd

turn into a deep voiced teenager, I got stretch marks because,

seriously, you are laughing. agrees that fast? Yes, over the

summer holidays I shot up and got stretch marks down my leg. I have

them, lines, like a tree. You know the lines you get? What, here? That

would be an awful place to get pregnant, the top of your thighs.

You would need to have twins, to level it at. Adam Hills, you did

study gymnastics? I did, when I was a kid, I did gymnastics. I can

bussed out a cart-wheeled if If ever there was a moment when we

needed Clare Balding to introduce this piece. Would you have loved it

if Lewis had done before doing his performance in the Olympics.

favourite moment is the Oystercard. Keep the chad going, I have the

last Tube to get. You're not going to hurt yourself?! I think I can.

Everyone on the front row, be warned. Are you sure you can do

Ten, ten. Well done, the Take your Met Police off. -- your

You are like a dancing monkey, we OK, OK, don't do too much because

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 176 seconds

Are you going to do something? Oh, This is a sofa with skills, ladies

and gentlemen. Touch me. Oh, yeah. Unbelievably, Louis Smith, here you

are with all your medals, you had to choose between a choral career

and gymnastics career? He has come a had the opportunity to sing that

choristers when I was seven years old. I had an audition at

Peterborough Cathedral at the top of the tower, lots of old people

sat around the table. It was quite strange. It was quite strange,...

Are you sure it was an audition? remember... You had to take job

necklace and jacket off first. was very professional and did Dunne

it was nicely done. Now Aston Mary whether come... Marigold, not merit

weather. In the Hobbit, there is lots of them like that. He did not

want to say gold. The thing is, I had a comeback and a thought I had

better not. Comedian... I am jealous come I would rather have

been an Olympic athlete than a middle-aged, flagging...

auditioned for The X-Factor, didn't you? Go on. Did you really? Yes, I

did. Did you get as far as the judges? Yes. You got as far as bad?

Yes. What did you say? You know, you know exactly what you sang.

was from Save the Last Dance. # If it's all right, let's go somewhere

# At got a girl and you go look good tonight #.

It he had won the gold, he could have won -- son the national anthem

himself. If I had got a goal. you get the gold, when average is

next... Are you going to Brazil? don't know, if I am watching or

competing, it is a nice place to go. He will. He will be going, what

you? And singing at the opening ceremony. It is an option. Before

any discounts are out there watching. That is a good idea.

They're always a lot of stands watching this programme cannot buy,

Graham? No, they're in bed now. In terms of the Olympics, Yorkshire,

the last leg, it was unexpected. You were doing the show for the

Paralympics and it is a show now. had been to the Paralympics in

Beijing, so I knew how amazing it would be and I knew there was a lot

of comedy to be had in it as long as people were OK with it. Myself,

who has an artificial foot, and Alex, who has an artificial foot

and Jews and judge Widdecombe, who is English, you notice the

Australian had nothing to say about the medals you one. Because I have

no moral high ground whatsoever. Yorkshire beat Australia at the

Olympics. The three others talked about the Paralympics every night

and people watching, apparently David Cameron used to watch.

Really? Apparently he and his wife used to get into bed and watch our

show. It is good he is not busy. speaks volumes. Such good telly,

let's watch that. You have been involved in Comic Relief. At medium

by the name of Mark Watson did a 25 hours show last week. It started at

11pm. It is much harder doing telly, that is all I will say. Don't feel

bad, it is all right. He started at 11 o'clock on the Thursday night

and finished midnight on Friday. It was 25 hours, because of the 25th

anniversary of common relief. Jennifer Saunders, Sir Bob Geldof

Zak recorded a video message, Rufus ended the show by smashing 20 eggs

with a mallet Sellotaped to his penis. I don't know why, but it is

what he decided to do. You will find this, this is only Our two. By

three or four, you'll get delirious and feel the need to smashed eggs.

You describe it as a mum or penis. Is there an alternative? The animal

kingdom. In a 25 hours, they raised Apparently we are adding that it

might spot so thank you to Mark Watson. -- tonight's pot. Lewis can

we have some pictures of you. dear. One of them is mysterious.

For the people upstairs, can you see, there is the mystery picture.

OK, he is on the horse with this is a legs. If we have a look at that.

It is beautiful, a feast for the eye. Where is it? Where is it?

Where is it? Pole vault studios. was a very exciting shoot and there

is only one place to hide it. Write-up the side of your leg?

I have not got my glasses on, I did not know that was his leg.

there a lot of pictures in this session that could but not be used?

There were a few that he took too late, or too early and, because how

the shoot happened there was just the photographer and the guy who

did the lighting and behind a screen there was the women and the

other guys were the stylists, the make-up, and when he took one tour

early you had a reaction, like, oh. So I knew it was a bad picture when

he had that the action. When you see people doing gymnastics, it is

silent. There is no noise. But if something... Is that what it sounds

like? A little bit. Big head. sounds like somebody playing the

spoons. Give yourself a round of applause. Do you get... When I am

doing stand-up comedy and hear the slow handclap, I thought people

were bored, I did not realise people were making up their own

entertainment. Just walking to the bar. Does someone give you a talk

about how to dress yourself? How do you mean? On the day, before we do

go out in Yorkshire, does someone go, you might want to just yourself.

Is there a way. You mean competing? In competing, not in your life,

that it would be somebody if -- it would be off -- or, if some do with

saying it. You have a leotard, a kit that you wear and you have to

match the rest of your team. The only thing you can mess around and

Does someone run out and say, I'll take your keys... That is the only

way you can be creative and stand out in image ways is playing with

your hair a little bit. At the Olympics, do you have a locker?

Then, like Adam says... I love Graham's insightful sporting

questions, did you have a locker? As Adam was saying, where is your

stuff It's on a raised platform. needs to tell me this. I didn't

know that. Some people might be interested. I am. You have chairs

that you sit on coaches that wait. We have bags. Simple. Oh. From the

hotel to the stadium you were just in your leotard? Tracksuit. You

have your leotard, tracksuit thend pants and socks might put on.

Vernon is with me. At the Olympics you think it would be better.

Lockers. Dressing rooms. JLo had luggage of all her wardrobe.

Imagine turning up to the stadium, you know, you are going to do the

pommel horse and you have luggage. Imagine the fear that would instill

in your competitors. They would think, what has he got in there!

Wow! I haven't choosen my tracksuit yet. Is that seriously the end of

this bit? I can't believe it. I know. I know why it went so quickly.