Episode 2 Cradle to Grave


Episode 2

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Transcript


LineFromTo

This programme contains some strong language

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# They say time will wait for no man They say time is on my side

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# I can never make my mind up

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# Cos it all goes whizzing by

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-# From the cradle to the grave

-From the cradle to the grave

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-# I know I won't be a slave

-I know I won't be a slave

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-# To the mistakes that I made

-From the cradle

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# And I won't go till I'm ready

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# From the cradle to the grave. #

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'In every man's life, there comes the moment

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'when his lemonade days are over,

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'and for me and my mates, that time had arrived.'

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Right, main thing is,

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don't make out like you've never been in a pub before.

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Have your drink ready. Say it like it's usual.

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-Right, what you having?

-Half a lager.

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-What lager?

-Harp.

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-You?

-Skol.

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Guinness.

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Large Scotch.

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Oh! Scotch.

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All right, listen, you lot.

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Just have that ready when you're asked, all right?

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All right, go. Go!

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MUSIC PLAYS PEOPLE CHATTER

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Right, what do you lot want?

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-ALL AT ONCE:

-Half a lager.

-Skol.

-Pint of Guinness.

-Large Scotch.

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-Are you all old enough?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

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How old are you?

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Twenty...three.

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23.

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He's Micky Baker's brother.

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Is Micky coming in tonight?

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Um, yeah, I think so. Bit later on.

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Go on, then. Say them again - one at a time.

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-Large Scotch, darling.

-Guinness.

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-Cheryl wants me to bring a bit of drink back.

-Yeah?

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You ain't seen nothing like it when she's had a little drop.

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GROANING

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DOORBELL RINGS Danny!

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BELL RINGS DANNY GROANS

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Danny, answer the front door, tell them I'm not in.

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Why can't Michael do it?

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Why don't you belt up, you greasy little germ?

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Come on, hurry up! Danny!

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MUSIC: The Pusher by Steppenwolf

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KNOCKING AT DOOR

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Hello.

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Southwark Insurance. Can I speak to your father, please?

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Oh. No, he ain't in.

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Now, I know he is. I've been working my way round the estate.

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I saw him come in with a paper, he hasn't come back out again.

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No, no, honestly. He ain't in.

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Listen, your father's payments are in arrears.

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Playing these games just wastes everybody's time and effort.

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Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!

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If he says I ain't in, I ain't in, mate!

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Erm...do...do you know when you might be back?

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Next week. I'd try again next week, if I were you.

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Ta-ra! DOG BARKS

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Who was it this time? Telly? Christmas club? Gas man?

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Insurance man, speaking to Danny like he was staff!

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You have to pay him sooner or later, Fred.

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Later, then. I'll sort it, Bet. I always do.

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-Fred?

-Yeah?

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What have you done with my washing machine?

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Right, right, listen. Thing is, don't do your nut.

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We've only had it a month! What have you done with it?

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Now, Dad hadn't actually been intending

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to sell our new washing machine,

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when the night before, he walked into the Duke Of Suffolk...

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How you getting on with those semifinal tickets?

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Leave it with me, Wal. Leave it with me. Oi, oi.

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MUSIC: Gene Genie by David Bowie

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-Got me Scotch?

-Got it. You got me fish?

-Yep.

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-Got you 64 boxes.

-64?!

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-Got a freezer, ain't you?

-No.

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Chest freezer? Yeah, I can get hold of one of them for you.

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-What do you want for it?

-What you got?

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-Table lamps?

-Oh, be sensible.

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-What about that Scotch you had?

-It's gone.

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Just knocked out the last couple of bottles for him and his haddock.

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Let's see.

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-You like a bet, don't you?

-Yeah.

-How about half share in a greyhound?

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What greyhound?

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Here, Little Legs, you still in the market for a washing machine?

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-The old lady is. Why?

-Cos I know where I can get one.

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What do you want for it? Only I'm scratching at the minute.

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-That half a greyhound you own.

-Oh, leave it out, Spud.

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I think it's died of old age!

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Never mind old age. Can I have it?

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-For a washing machine?

-For a washing machine.

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So that's how my mum ended up without a washing machine.

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What's that smell?

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Ah, another little treat for you under here.

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-Haddock - 64 boxes. GROANS:

-Oh!

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-Good gear, that!

-Oh, Fred!

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-Finest haddock.

-They'll stink the house out!

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Yes, which is why you're getting a new freezer coming tomorrow.

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But I haven't got a washing machine and you're not going to have

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-any clean shirts!

-SHE GROANS

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I'm just moving things round a bit. You know that's how I operate.

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I'll get you an even better one.

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Just trying to grab hold of a few quid, that's all.

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How are you going to do that?

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Well, we ain't been burgled for a while.

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Oh, no. Please, let's not have another burglary.

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Besides, you've just told the insurance man to piss off.

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-Who's going to pay us out, eh?

-Danny!

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Go find that insurance bloke and give him this.

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Make sure he knows that brings us right up-to-date.

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Blimey, Mary. Where you off to?

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Oh, hello, Bet. Bill's taking me to Portugal.

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-Portugal?!

-Yeah, we're away for four nights.

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Blimey.

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-Here, where you off to?

-Hello, Mrs Baker. Is Danny in?

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-Far as I know, love, yeah.

-Don't be too long.

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You're supposed to be helping your brothers look after this shop.

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What, you won the pools or something?

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-No, we got a tax rebate.

-Rebate?

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Tax?

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Bill and Mary Hodges were the only remotely middle class friends

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Mum and Dad had.

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-Ah, Beatrice.

-New motor, Bill?

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Yes. I have gifted the previous horseless carriage to the nation.

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-Pride of place at the British Museum.

-BILL AND MARY LAUGH

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Do you want us to bring you anything back from duty-free, Bet?

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-How about some wine?

-Wine?

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We don't drink wine in our house, Mary.

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Well, we never used to either,

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but we have a couple of glasses of a night now and we quiet enjoy it.

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-Bill got quite legless the other night.

-How dare you!

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I was simply looking under the sofa for a small piece of string.

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-BILL AND MARY GIGGLE

-Now, we must be off, Mary.

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-Well, have a lovely time.

-Thank you!

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-Ta-ra!

-Ta-ta.

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Bye.

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Now that we were hardened drinkers,

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school suddenly seemed a bit slow and childish for me and my mates.

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There was the occasional bright spot, though.

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OK, please be seated.

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-Yes?

-Sir, we already are seated, sir.

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Yeah. Yeah.

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OK, I'm well aware, as I'm sure you are,

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what the subject of today's lesson is.

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And it's a lesson that I'm sure most of you think you don't need.

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-Langford does.

-BOYS LAUGH

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Human reproduction.

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Now, I take it you all know what reproduction means.

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-Having it off.

-BOYS CHEER

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OK, all right. All right!

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Let's get this over and done with then. Any more you'd like to add?

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-Knobbing.

-Get in!

-BOYS LAUGH

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-We can do better than that, surely.

-What your mum did.

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Chapman, see me afterwards.

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OK, in front of you, you'll find some small bits of paper.

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I'd like you to write down any questions you might have.

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And please, don't put your name on them. This is entirely anonymous.

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QUIET GIGGLING

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Thank you. All right, let's see what we've got, shall we?

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"What happens when a sperm hits another sperm?"

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-UNDER BREATH:

-This is for Langford!

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There is a...substance,

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which is called seminal fluid, in which sperms will float around

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and slide passed each other very easily.

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Next one - "Why is Langford a queer?"

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LAUGHTER

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Well, I'm not even going to dignify that with a response.

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Just going to straight press on, thank you.

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"What is a fart?"

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THEY CHEER

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Well, you've shot yourselves in the foot there, haven't you?

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You've shot yourselves in the foot, because now I'm going to ask you all

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to write the following phrase five...hundred...times.

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THEY ALL GROAN

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"The human body is...

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"..a wonderful instrument...

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"..that deserves...

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"..my respect."

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Sir, I can't see your writing. Can you stand to the left a bit, sir?

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Bit more, sir. Can't see the first bit.

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HE MAKES POPPING SOUND RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

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What's so funny?

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Ignorance, boys. It is a terrible think to have hanging over you head.

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THEY LAUGH

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Mum was determined to continue with her own form of adult education.

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Do you ever drink wine, Maur?

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What do you mean, wine?

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Well, you know. With your dinner and that.

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-What, corn beef and chips?

-SHE LAUGHS

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I don't mean now.

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-No. Indoors.

-Oh, no, wine ain't for indoors.

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-It's for when you go up West, ain't it?

-And holidays.

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They had some in the hotel we was in last year.

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-Where was that?

-Bournemouth.

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Do you like it?

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Well, we never had none of it. But they had it there.

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I'm sure you can get it from the off-licence.

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-Why? Fred got hold of a load of grapes?

-MAUR LAUGHS

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Yeah.

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WISTFULLY: Yeah.

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Hello!

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Is this supposed to be this far-fetched.

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-It's called The Prisoner, Dad. You just go with it.

-Go with it?

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The only prisoner here's the poor bastard stuck watching it.

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BET SIGHS

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Wine? What you bought wine for?

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Just thought it was time for a change.

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Is this about that bastard washing machine?

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I've told you, I'll get hold of another one for you.

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I got a few things on the bubble right now, all right?

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I don't want things on the bubble. I want them...

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un-bubbled. Here. Permanent.

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Get your feet off my settee. It's the only decent thing I've got.

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Bet, you don't want to start drinking wine. It's not for us.

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Just try some with me, will you?

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Do you reckon this is how they do it up Claridge's?

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Careful.

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-Oh, bollocks!

-Oh!

-Gone inside.

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Oh, it's The Prisoner.

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'Getting a drink was hard enough,

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'but pretending you hadn't had one was nearly as hard.'

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What you doing?

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Living the high life.

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Like yourself.

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-Here you go.

-Go easy. It's got to last.

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Go on, get stuck in.

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You'll be talking like the Queen Mother after that.

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What do you reckon?

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-It's lovely.

-Yeah?

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What do you think?

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-HIGH-PITCHED:

-I don't think that screwdriver helped.

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Oh, well, I like it. Makes a nice change.

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Here, have you trod in something?

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-He has!

-Oh, Danny!

-Danny!

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-Dirty bastard. Get out. Get out, go on. Animal.

-Don't put it down.

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Hop! Hop! Ugh. God's sake!

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What's that? Fish batter?

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-Oh.

-It's his keys, ain't it?

-Yeah.

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-They fell off the counter at the chip shop!

-Get a couple of gherkins with them?

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SMASHING Ah!

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-Well, this is a mad house!

-Careful!

-It's a mad house!

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This is what I'm talking about, Fred.

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The sofa's ruined.

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I can't have nothing nice, can I?

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Fred, I need a word. HE SIGHS

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'I am a free man!'

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What?

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I...I feel like I...

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I feel like we're on a roundabout...

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at a fairground, grabbing at things as they go by,

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dropping them and grabbing at other things as they come by.

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We're trying hard but we're not getting anywhere.

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-Where do you want to go?

-No!

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No, what I mean is...

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don't you think we're missing out on things?

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No. I don't.

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Well, sometimes I do, Fred.

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Don't you ever think of trying something new? Another thing, say?

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Like what?

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I don't know. Like...

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Like...like going away...to Portugal.

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Portugal?!

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-I couldn't think of anything worse!

-Really?

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What are we going to do in Portugal, Bet?

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Don't you want to...try anything different?

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Meet any new people?

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Not particularly, no.

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But if you want to, I'll give it a whack.

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What do you want to do?

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Go away somewhere. Anywhere.

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-For a little break, the two of us.

-Where?

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Joycie Ball goes down the caravan some weekends.

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Is that what you want? Piss up against a tree,

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hear everyone horse-and-carting all night long?

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Well, how is that different than going the Jolly Gardener's

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every Saturday night?

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# Up in a clear sky Just feel the breeze

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# Take some shelter beneath the trees

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# All of the summer the sun's beating down

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# Within the country of out of town

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# Happy days in the haze of summer...

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Here you go.

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Keep the change, Chas.

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# We're going to take a break by the rolling sea

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# The perfect summer Just you and me. #

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Ooh. Oh.

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Where's the light switch?

0:13:550:13:56

-What?

-The light switch?

0:13:570:13:59

-Well, it's gas, innit.

-Gas?

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Yeah. It's all I could get last minute.

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There you go.

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It's not bad.

0:14:100:14:12

No. It's all right.

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-BET SIGHS HAPPILY

-There.

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-It's nice.

-Cosy.

-Yeah, cosy.

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MUSIC: Wigwam by Bob Dylan

0:14:250:14:28

I thought they'd have a telly or something.

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A gas one?

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Well, you said you wanted peace and quiet.

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Just the two of us, away from the estate.

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You got your wine.

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You still don't look happy, girl.

0:15:000:15:02

What is it, Bet? What you looking for?

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Oh, just come and sit next to us, will you?

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Oh, mind me wine.

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-Fred...

-There's a spider making a web up there.

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Huh.

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TYRES ON GRAVEL What's that?

0:15:430:15:45

Here, that's Derek Taylor's motor.

0:15:480:15:52

What? Derek from Gillam House? Yeah, it looks like it. Eh?

0:15:520:15:55

DOOR OPENS

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-Derek!

-Spud!

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What you doing here?

0:16:000:16:02

-Are you just leaving?

-No, we just arrived.

0:16:020:16:05

But...we've got a week booked.

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Oh, my giddy aunt.

0:16:070:16:09

Who'd you book it with? Joey Churcher?

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-Yeah.

-Dirty bastard!

0:16:120:16:14

-It's our anniversary!

-Is it?

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Well, you'd better come in then.

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We're double booked!

0:16:180:16:19

Is that who you got this off? Joey Churcher?

0:16:190:16:22

Fred, you said you were having nothing more to do with him

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after he poisoned that donkey.

0:16:240:16:26

Well, he had his reasons.

0:16:260:16:27

Yeah. Thing is, like I said, it's our anniversary, Bet.

0:16:270:16:31

-Hello, Val!

-Hi, Val.

-Hi.

0:16:310:16:33

-Happy anniversary, but...

-Thanks, Bet.

0:16:330:16:35

..where we supposed to sleep? On the roof?

0:16:350:16:37

Oh, we'll be all right. Don't worry about that.

0:16:370:16:39

-We'll sort something out.

-Yeah! We can sort this out.

0:16:390:16:42

Val, get the kids out the car.

0:16:420:16:43

-Kids?

-Kid's are here. Oh.

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-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Whay!

-Who's this?

0:16:460:16:49

-Wally!

-Ahhh!

-Evening, all!

0:16:490:16:50

LAUGHTER

0:16:500:16:52

-It's Wally!

-Hello, hello.

0:16:520:16:54

Lil's here! Lil's here! What you doing here?

0:16:540:16:58

I've got a shocking thirst on me, Baker.

0:16:580:16:59

Apparently this stuff's pretty good for it.

0:16:590:17:01

-RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

-You got a bottle opener?

0:17:010:17:04

Did you know Wally and Lil were coming here?

0:17:040:17:06

I had no idea! I had no idea.

0:17:060:17:08

Oh, well... I mean, I said we were going away in a caravan.

0:17:080:17:11

And, you know, obviously...you know, they were passing.

0:17:110:17:14

-You know, and they're here!

-HE LAUGHS

0:17:140:17:17

Where are we supposed to sleep now that Derek and Val

0:17:170:17:19

and the kids are in with us, eh?

0:17:190:17:20

Well, we'll sort something out.

0:17:200:17:22

Don't worry about it. We'll be all right. We'll hatch up.

0:17:220:17:25

We'll hatch up!

0:17:250:17:27

-Get it down your neck, me old son.

-That's it!

0:17:270:17:30

-DANNY:

-With Mum and Dad away,

0:17:300:17:31

I was hoping another adult milestone would soon be passed,

0:17:310:17:34

this time with my girlfriend, Yvonne.

0:17:340:17:36

It's no good, you playing these records. I can't relax.

0:17:360:17:39

I keep thinking your mum's going to walk in on us again.

0:17:390:17:41

No, it's all right. They're all down the caravan.

0:17:410:17:44

-Dymchurch? Everyone goes there.

-Yeah.

0:17:440:17:46

Anyway, so come on. What's this surprise you've got for me, then?

0:17:470:17:51

Oh, yeah.

0:17:510:17:52

'It was time to introduce the magic ingredient.'

0:17:530:17:56

-What's this?

-This is Guinness, that's a pale ale.

0:17:580:18:02

Which one do you want?

0:18:020:18:03

I'm not a stevedore.

0:18:030:18:05

It's all I could get!

0:18:050:18:07

-It'll get us drunk.

-SHE SIGHS UNHAPPILY

0:18:070:18:10

How revolting.

0:18:100:18:11

I don't want to get drunk.

0:18:120:18:14

Is that what this is all about?

0:18:140:18:16

Just think it's time that we grow up a bit.

0:18:160:18:18

Time one of us grew up a bit.

0:18:180:18:19

I'll go watch some telly downstairs.

0:18:210:18:23

If you'd have got Cinzano, might have been different.

0:18:260:18:29

Cinzano?

0:18:310:18:33

# Roll out those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer

0:18:330:18:41

# Those days of soda and pretzels and beer

0:18:410:18:45

# Roll out those... #

0:18:450:18:47

Maybe I've figured it out.

0:18:480:18:51

The kids can kip in Derek's car,

0:18:510:18:53

Derek and... Yeah! ..Derek and Val,

0:18:530:18:55

they can kip in the bed behind the curtain.

0:18:550:18:56

It's their anniversary. No privacy, right?

0:18:560:18:59

And me and you...

0:18:590:19:01

-Whay-hey!

-CHEERING

0:19:010:19:03

Look who's here!

0:19:030:19:05

-What are you all doing here?

-What's going on, eh?

0:19:050:19:07

-You booked it for the week?

-Yeah.

0:19:070:19:09

-Don't tell me - Joey Churcher.

-Yeah.

0:19:090:19:11

-ALL:

-Dirty bastard!

0:19:110:19:13

LAUGHTER

0:19:130:19:15

Hey, the Gardener's won't take a tenner tonight!

0:19:150:19:18

Give that man a glass, Wal. Give him a glass.

0:19:180:19:20

You all right over there? There you go!

0:19:200:19:22

Come on, Bet - cheer up! Imagine there's a war on.

0:19:220:19:26

Yeah. There might as well be

0:19:260:19:28

cos as far as I'm concerned, it can't get any worse.

0:19:280:19:31

Nah! LOUD CRACKING

0:19:310:19:33

-THEY ALL YELL

-Oh!

0:19:330:19:35

THEY CHEER LOUDLY

0:19:390:19:42

-Joey Churcher...

-ALL:

-Dirty bastard!

0:19:430:19:47

-THEY LAUGH Oh, my God!

-Oh, my goodness.

0:19:470:19:50

I know I shouldn't laugh, but it does sound funny.

0:19:500:19:53

I bet your bleeding floor didn't collapse in Portugal.

0:19:530:19:56

-No, but Bill nearly did after a couple of bottles of that.

-Did he?

0:19:560:19:59

Oh, thanks for this.

0:19:590:20:01

-What is it again?

-Rose wine. You'll like it.

0:20:010:20:04

-Yeah. Well, I like the little basket.

-Yeah.

0:20:040:20:07

And you can pop a candle in the top there.

0:20:070:20:09

Yeah? Does that keep it fresh?

0:20:090:20:10

After you've drank it, you soppy cow!

0:20:100:20:13

-It's romantic!

-SHE LAUGHS

0:20:130:20:15

Oh, I don't know, Mary. It's a whole different world.

0:20:150:20:18

A bowl of cockles outside the pub is about as romantic as Fred gets.

0:20:180:20:22

Well, why don't you come with us this Saturday.

0:20:220:20:24

-I could use the company.

-Yeah? Where you going?

0:20:240:20:27

Bermondsey Small Retailers Annual Dinner Dance.

0:20:270:20:30

That sounds marvellous.

0:20:300:20:31

Oh, you've obviously never been to one.

0:20:310:20:34

# For once in my life I have someone who needs me

0:20:340:20:39

# Someone I've needed so... #

0:20:390:20:41

This is a bit more near the mark, eh?

0:20:410:20:43

Sorry I can't get us all on the same table, Bet,

0:20:430:20:45

what with the late notice, but we can all mingle later on.

0:20:450:20:49

Yeah, we'll be all right on our own, Mary.

0:20:490:20:51

All right, love. Hope that's had all its injections.

0:20:510:20:54

-HE LAUGHS Ease up a bit Fred, eh?

-What?

0:20:540:20:58

'In spite of my setback with Yvonne, I'd not become disillusioned

0:21:000:21:03

'about the many and varied advantages

0:21:030:21:05

'of going out and getting a right old skin-full.'

0:21:050:21:07

Lads, lads, we've got a ladder!

0:21:070:21:09

THEY SHOUT EXCITEDLY

0:21:090:21:12

-Put it down!

-Don't drop it!

0:21:180:21:20

-Whay-hey!

-Whaaaay!

0:21:210:21:24

-Leave it out.

-Oh, come on.

0:21:240:21:25

Here, 'scuse me, Chas. Where'd you get your skimmish?

0:21:280:21:32

-Your drink?

-Waiters are bringing it round, Fred.

0:21:320:21:35

And don't call everybody Chas.

0:21:350:21:37

Well, I'm just...

0:21:370:21:39

And as I never tire of telling people, we can't all be a Harrods,

0:21:410:21:45

or a Selfridges, or the big Ravel Shoes in Tower Bridge Road...

0:21:450:21:49

I'm going to have to get a light ale, Betty. I'm screeching.

0:21:500:21:53

Anybody want anything when I'm up the ramp?

0:21:530:21:55

I'm sure they don't, Fred.

0:21:550:21:56

-Mackeson.

-Mackeson's.

-I'll have a bitter.

0:21:560:21:58

-Pint of lager.

-Lager.

0:21:580:22:00

You're not going to leave me on my own, are you?

0:22:000:22:02

I thought this is what you wanted, meet new people.

0:22:020:22:04

-..the Sarson's Vinegar factory...

-Won't be a minute.

0:22:040:22:07

..in Mombasa Street.

0:22:070:22:08

Your husband...he's quite a character, isn't he?

0:22:150:22:18

We both run a stationers

0:22:180:22:19

and he was telling us how he could get 1,000 ballpoint pens for £25.

0:22:190:22:24

-Is that right?

-How on earth could he do that and still make money?

0:22:240:22:27

Oh...he...moves things around.

0:22:270:22:31

Good evening, everyone. I hope you're enjoying yourselves.

0:22:310:22:34

Now, I know most people here,

0:22:340:22:35

but I don't believe we've had the pleasure?

0:22:350:22:37

Oh, uh, Bet. Erm...

0:22:370:22:39

-Elizabeth Baker.

-Very pleased to meet you.

0:22:390:22:41

-It's my silver wedding anniversary this evening.

-Congratulations.

0:22:410:22:44

I've got a little something planned for later on

0:22:440:22:47

-that I'm hoping you can all be part of.

-Oh, right!

0:22:470:22:50

Enjoy the rest of the evening.

0:22:500:22:51

Me and my mates had reached a point in the evening

0:22:530:22:56

best described as "seemed like a good idea at the time".

0:22:560:22:59

Can we ditch it now?

0:22:590:23:00

Lads, lads, let's leave it up against the bank, eh?

0:23:000:23:03

-BOY LAUGHS

-Brilliant!

0:23:030:23:05

Old Bill will have a fit when they see that there.

0:23:050:23:07

There we are.

0:23:070:23:09

Whaaay!

0:23:090:23:11

-ALARM SOUNDS

-Shit!

0:23:110:23:13

What we going to do?

0:23:130:23:14

Let's just wait here and just explain what happened.

0:23:140:23:17

Bollocks to that. Let's just run!

0:23:170:23:19

But we can't just run. This is bad.

0:23:190:23:21

-Give us me wallet.

-You want your wallet?

-Yeah.

0:23:230:23:25

Yeah? Go and get it.

0:23:250:23:27

What have you done?

0:23:300:23:31

That is not funny, you wankers! What am I going to do?!

0:23:330:23:35

Just go and get it, Trev. Just go...

0:23:350:23:37

I'm not going in a bank in the middle of the night, am I?

0:23:370:23:40

You're going to have to or you'll be banged up for a thousand years.

0:23:400:23:43

'Drink had little effect on Dad.

0:23:440:23:46

'He was like this most of the time anyway.'

0:23:460:23:49

BALLROOM MUSIC PLAYS

0:23:490:23:52

'But for Mum, it was a different story.'

0:23:530:23:55

-Enjoying it, Bet?

-Well, Fred certainly is.

0:23:550:23:58

-THEY CHUCKLE

-I'll bet Fred has a good time wherever he goes.

0:23:580:24:01

-Right, come on girls, drink up.

-Mary!

0:24:010:24:04

Ugh!

0:24:070:24:08

I have always wanted to do that. Come on!

0:24:080:24:11

Sometimes it's the only way to get through nights like this.

0:24:110:24:14

Two dwarfs in a brothel...

0:24:160:24:19

Where have you been?

0:24:190:24:21

-Outside with the girls.

-Oh, yeah.

0:24:210:24:23

Listening to them all say what a lovely bloke you are.

0:24:230:24:25

Oh, well. Not made of wood.

0:24:250:24:28

Now, ladies and gentlemen, we all know that tonight

0:24:280:24:30

is the biggest night of the year for Bermondsey retail,

0:24:300:24:33

but it is also a very special night for myself and Mrs Trump.

0:24:330:24:37

It's our silver wedding anniversary!

0:24:370:24:39

Aww.

0:24:390:24:40

So, I'd like to ask my dear lady wife

0:24:420:24:44

to join me for our very own anniversary waltz.

0:24:440:24:47

-This is it. This is it.

-What's what?

0:24:490:24:51

BAND PLAYS A DREARY WALTZ

0:24:510:24:54

-Try not to kick them up the arse as they come by.

-Shh! Fred.

0:25:020:25:05

This is the big moment he's got planned for her.

0:25:050:25:07

-What's that?

-He wants us all in on it.

0:25:070:25:08

Oh, here we go, here we go! Come on, he wants us to join them.

0:25:150:25:18

-Come on!

-Bet.

0:25:180:25:20

Bet!

0:25:200:25:21

Come back.

0:25:210:25:23

THEY MOUTH SILENTLY

0:25:380:25:42

Excuse me.

0:26:020:26:03

Bet!

0:26:070:26:08

Bet!

0:26:090:26:10

-You all right?

-I thought he was waving me on!

0:26:140:26:17

I've made such a fool out of myself.

0:26:180:26:20

It's all right. They're all laughing in there.

0:26:210:26:24

Oh, are they? Oh, great.

0:26:240:26:26

Great!

0:26:260:26:27

-Come on, let's go back in.

-No, Fred!

0:26:270:26:30

-Oh, take me home.

-Really?

0:26:320:26:34

Come on. Fucking hell.

0:26:370:26:40

What were you thinking?

0:26:400:26:41

I don't know. He came over, he said

0:26:410:26:44

"I'd like to this special thing, I hope you'll all join in."

0:26:440:26:47

I thought that's what he meant!

0:26:470:26:48

-ALARM SOUNDS

-Come on, Trev.

-Be careful!

0:26:480:26:51

You can do it..

0:26:510:26:52

-This ain't happening.

-Hurry up!

0:26:520:26:55

OTHERS CHEER

0:26:550:26:57

Go on, Coxy!

0:26:570:26:58

Whoa! Ho-ho!

0:26:580:27:01

'It had been a sobering night all round,

0:27:010:27:04

'and we'd all learned a few lessons -

0:27:040:27:06

'Mum, me...and poor old Trevor Cox.'

0:27:060:27:10

I'm going to kill you, Churcher!

0:27:100:27:12

HE PANTS

0:27:120:27:15

I've found it!

0:27:200:27:21

-LAUGHTER

-See you later, Trev!

0:27:260:27:28

SIREN WAILS

0:27:310:27:34

FRED SIGHS

0:27:340:27:36

You got it all out your system, then?

0:27:360:27:38

-What?

-All that dream world?

0:27:410:27:43

-I suppose so.

-Hmm.

0:27:460:27:48

Saying that, I wouldn't mind another do like tonight, girl.

0:27:480:27:51

No, straight. I made some lovely connections there.

0:27:520:27:55

-Connections?

-Yeah.

0:27:550:27:57

I think I'll earn a few quid out of that mob there tonight.

0:27:570:28:00

Shoes, handbags, Port.

0:28:000:28:03

Here, turns out that ginger fella own half share in a caff,

0:28:030:28:06

so we'll be rid of all that haddock by the weekend.

0:28:060:28:08

Are you serious?

0:28:080:28:10

You were right, you know.

0:28:100:28:12

It's good to meet new people.

0:28:120:28:14

# They say time will wait for no man

0:28:300:28:34

# They say time is on my side

0:28:350:28:39

# I can never make my mind up

0:28:400:28:44

# Cos it all goes whizzing by

0:28:440:28:47

-# From the cradle to the grave

-From the cradle to the grave

0:28:470:28:53

-# I know I won't be a slave

-I know I won't be a slave... #

0:28:530:28:56

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