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This programme contains some strong language | 0:00:02 | 0:00:08 | |
# They say time will wait for no man They say time is on my side | 0:00:08 | 0:00:14 | |
# I can never make my mind up | 0:00:15 | 0:00:18 | |
# Cos it all goes whizzing by | 0:00:18 | 0:00:21 | |
-# From the cradle to the grave -From the cradle to the grave | 0:00:21 | 0:00:27 | |
-# I know I won't be a slave -I know I won't be a slave | 0:00:27 | 0:00:32 | |
-# To the mistakes that I made -From the cradle | 0:00:32 | 0:00:36 | |
# And I won't go till I'm ready | 0:00:36 | 0:00:39 | |
# From the cradle to the grave. # | 0:00:39 | 0:00:42 | |
'In every man's life, there comes the moment | 0:00:45 | 0:00:47 | |
'when his lemonade days are over, | 0:00:47 | 0:00:49 | |
'and for me and my mates, that time had arrived.' | 0:00:49 | 0:00:51 | |
Right, main thing is, | 0:00:51 | 0:00:52 | |
don't make out like you've never been in a pub before. | 0:00:52 | 0:00:55 | |
Have your drink ready. Say it like it's usual. | 0:00:55 | 0:00:58 | |
-Right, what you having? -Half a lager. | 0:00:58 | 0:01:00 | |
-What lager? -Harp. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:02 | |
-You? -Skol. | 0:01:02 | 0:01:03 | |
Guinness. | 0:01:03 | 0:01:05 | |
Large Scotch. | 0:01:05 | 0:01:07 | |
Oh! Scotch. | 0:01:07 | 0:01:08 | |
All right, listen, you lot. | 0:01:08 | 0:01:09 | |
Just have that ready when you're asked, all right? | 0:01:09 | 0:01:11 | |
All right, go. Go! | 0:01:11 | 0:01:13 | |
MUSIC PLAYS PEOPLE CHATTER | 0:01:15 | 0:01:18 | |
Right, what do you lot want? | 0:01:23 | 0:01:25 | |
-ALL AT ONCE: -Half a lager. -Skol. -Pint of Guinness. -Large Scotch. | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
-Are you all old enough? -Yeah. -Yeah. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
How old are you? | 0:01:31 | 0:01:32 | |
Twenty...three. | 0:01:33 | 0:01:35 | |
23. | 0:01:36 | 0:01:38 | |
He's Micky Baker's brother. | 0:01:38 | 0:01:40 | |
Is Micky coming in tonight? | 0:01:41 | 0:01:43 | |
Um, yeah, I think so. Bit later on. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:46 | |
Go on, then. Say them again - one at a time. | 0:01:48 | 0:01:51 | |
-Large Scotch, darling. -Guinness. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:53 | |
-Cheryl wants me to bring a bit of drink back. -Yeah? | 0:01:53 | 0:01:55 | |
You ain't seen nothing like it when she's had a little drop. | 0:01:55 | 0:01:58 | |
GROANING | 0:02:01 | 0:02:04 | |
DOORBELL RINGS Danny! | 0:02:04 | 0:02:07 | |
BELL RINGS DANNY GROANS | 0:02:08 | 0:02:11 | |
Danny, answer the front door, tell them I'm not in. | 0:02:11 | 0:02:15 | |
Why can't Michael do it? | 0:02:15 | 0:02:16 | |
Why don't you belt up, you greasy little germ? | 0:02:16 | 0:02:18 | |
Come on, hurry up! Danny! | 0:02:18 | 0:02:20 | |
MUSIC: The Pusher by Steppenwolf | 0:02:20 | 0:02:24 | |
KNOCKING AT DOOR | 0:02:32 | 0:02:34 | |
Hello. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:38 | |
Southwark Insurance. Can I speak to your father, please? | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
Oh. No, he ain't in. | 0:02:40 | 0:02:42 | |
Now, I know he is. I've been working my way round the estate. | 0:02:42 | 0:02:44 | |
I saw him come in with a paper, he hasn't come back out again. | 0:02:44 | 0:02:47 | |
No, no, honestly. He ain't in. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:48 | |
Listen, your father's payments are in arrears. | 0:02:48 | 0:02:50 | |
Playing these games just wastes everybody's time and effort. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:53 | |
Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! | 0:02:53 | 0:02:54 | |
If he says I ain't in, I ain't in, mate! | 0:02:54 | 0:02:58 | |
Erm...do...do you know when you might be back? | 0:02:59 | 0:03:02 | |
Next week. I'd try again next week, if I were you. | 0:03:02 | 0:03:04 | |
Ta-ra! DOG BARKS | 0:03:04 | 0:03:07 | |
Who was it this time? Telly? Christmas club? Gas man? | 0:03:08 | 0:03:11 | |
Insurance man, speaking to Danny like he was staff! | 0:03:11 | 0:03:14 | |
You have to pay him sooner or later, Fred. | 0:03:14 | 0:03:16 | |
Later, then. I'll sort it, Bet. I always do. | 0:03:16 | 0:03:18 | |
-Fred? -Yeah? | 0:03:18 | 0:03:21 | |
What have you done with my washing machine? | 0:03:21 | 0:03:23 | |
Right, right, listen. Thing is, don't do your nut. | 0:03:23 | 0:03:27 | |
We've only had it a month! What have you done with it? | 0:03:27 | 0:03:29 | |
Now, Dad hadn't actually been intending | 0:03:29 | 0:03:31 | |
to sell our new washing machine, | 0:03:31 | 0:03:33 | |
when the night before, he walked into the Duke Of Suffolk... | 0:03:33 | 0:03:36 | |
How you getting on with those semifinal tickets? | 0:03:36 | 0:03:38 | |
Leave it with me, Wal. Leave it with me. Oi, oi. | 0:03:38 | 0:03:40 | |
MUSIC: Gene Genie by David Bowie | 0:03:40 | 0:03:43 | |
-Got me Scotch? -Got it. You got me fish? -Yep. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:45 | |
-Got you 64 boxes. -64?! | 0:03:45 | 0:03:48 | |
-Got a freezer, ain't you? -No. | 0:03:48 | 0:03:51 | |
Chest freezer? Yeah, I can get hold of one of them for you. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:53 | |
-What do you want for it? -What you got? | 0:03:53 | 0:03:56 | |
-Table lamps? -Oh, be sensible. | 0:03:56 | 0:03:58 | |
-What about that Scotch you had? -It's gone. | 0:03:58 | 0:04:00 | |
Just knocked out the last couple of bottles for him and his haddock. | 0:04:00 | 0:04:03 | |
Let's see. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:05 | |
-You like a bet, don't you? -Yeah. -How about half share in a greyhound? | 0:04:05 | 0:04:08 | |
What greyhound? | 0:04:08 | 0:04:09 | |
Here, Little Legs, you still in the market for a washing machine? | 0:04:09 | 0:04:11 | |
-The old lady is. Why? -Cos I know where I can get one. | 0:04:11 | 0:04:14 | |
What do you want for it? Only I'm scratching at the minute. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
-That half a greyhound you own. -Oh, leave it out, Spud. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:19 | |
I think it's died of old age! | 0:04:19 | 0:04:20 | |
Never mind old age. Can I have it? | 0:04:20 | 0:04:22 | |
-For a washing machine? -For a washing machine. | 0:04:22 | 0:04:24 | |
So that's how my mum ended up without a washing machine. | 0:04:28 | 0:04:31 | |
What's that smell? | 0:04:32 | 0:04:33 | |
Ah, another little treat for you under here. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:37 | |
-Haddock - 64 boxes. GROANS: -Oh! | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
-Good gear, that! -Oh, Fred! | 0:04:41 | 0:04:43 | |
-Finest haddock. -They'll stink the house out! | 0:04:43 | 0:04:46 | |
Yes, which is why you're getting a new freezer coming tomorrow. | 0:04:46 | 0:04:49 | |
But I haven't got a washing machine and you're not going to have | 0:04:49 | 0:04:52 | |
-any clean shirts! -SHE GROANS | 0:04:52 | 0:04:53 | |
I'm just moving things round a bit. You know that's how I operate. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:56 | |
I'll get you an even better one. | 0:04:56 | 0:04:58 | |
Just trying to grab hold of a few quid, that's all. | 0:04:58 | 0:05:00 | |
How are you going to do that? | 0:05:00 | 0:05:02 | |
Well, we ain't been burgled for a while. | 0:05:02 | 0:05:04 | |
Oh, no. Please, let's not have another burglary. | 0:05:04 | 0:05:06 | |
Besides, you've just told the insurance man to piss off. | 0:05:06 | 0:05:09 | |
-Who's going to pay us out, eh? -Danny! | 0:05:09 | 0:05:10 | |
Go find that insurance bloke and give him this. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:13 | |
Make sure he knows that brings us right up-to-date. | 0:05:13 | 0:05:16 | |
Blimey, Mary. Where you off to? | 0:05:24 | 0:05:26 | |
Oh, hello, Bet. Bill's taking me to Portugal. | 0:05:26 | 0:05:28 | |
-Portugal?! -Yeah, we're away for four nights. | 0:05:28 | 0:05:31 | |
Blimey. | 0:05:31 | 0:05:32 | |
-Here, where you off to? -Hello, Mrs Baker. Is Danny in? | 0:05:32 | 0:05:35 | |
-Far as I know, love, yeah. -Don't be too long. | 0:05:35 | 0:05:37 | |
You're supposed to be helping your brothers look after this shop. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:40 | |
What, you won the pools or something? | 0:05:40 | 0:05:42 | |
-No, we got a tax rebate. -Rebate? | 0:05:42 | 0:05:44 | |
Tax? | 0:05:45 | 0:05:47 | |
Bill and Mary Hodges were the only remotely middle class friends | 0:05:47 | 0:05:50 | |
Mum and Dad had. | 0:05:50 | 0:05:51 | |
-Ah, Beatrice. -New motor, Bill? | 0:05:51 | 0:05:53 | |
Yes. I have gifted the previous horseless carriage to the nation. | 0:05:53 | 0:05:56 | |
-Pride of place at the British Museum. -BILL AND MARY LAUGH | 0:05:56 | 0:05:59 | |
Do you want us to bring you anything back from duty-free, Bet? | 0:05:59 | 0:06:01 | |
-How about some wine? -Wine? | 0:06:01 | 0:06:04 | |
We don't drink wine in our house, Mary. | 0:06:04 | 0:06:06 | |
Well, we never used to either, | 0:06:06 | 0:06:08 | |
but we have a couple of glasses of a night now and we quiet enjoy it. | 0:06:08 | 0:06:11 | |
-Bill got quite legless the other night. -How dare you! | 0:06:11 | 0:06:14 | |
I was simply looking under the sofa for a small piece of string. | 0:06:14 | 0:06:17 | |
-BILL AND MARY GIGGLE -Now, we must be off, Mary. | 0:06:17 | 0:06:20 | |
-Well, have a lovely time. -Thank you! | 0:06:20 | 0:06:22 | |
-Ta-ra! -Ta-ta. | 0:06:23 | 0:06:24 | |
Bye. | 0:06:25 | 0:06:26 | |
Now that we were hardened drinkers, | 0:06:28 | 0:06:30 | |
school suddenly seemed a bit slow and childish for me and my mates. | 0:06:30 | 0:06:33 | |
There was the occasional bright spot, though. | 0:06:33 | 0:06:36 | |
OK, please be seated. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:37 | |
-Yes? -Sir, we already are seated, sir. | 0:06:38 | 0:06:41 | |
Yeah. Yeah. | 0:06:41 | 0:06:43 | |
OK, I'm well aware, as I'm sure you are, | 0:06:45 | 0:06:47 | |
what the subject of today's lesson is. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:49 | |
And it's a lesson that I'm sure most of you think you don't need. | 0:06:49 | 0:06:52 | |
-Langford does. -BOYS LAUGH | 0:06:52 | 0:06:55 | |
Human reproduction. | 0:06:56 | 0:06:58 | |
Now, I take it you all know what reproduction means. | 0:06:58 | 0:07:01 | |
-Having it off. -BOYS CHEER | 0:07:01 | 0:07:03 | |
OK, all right. All right! | 0:07:03 | 0:07:05 | |
Let's get this over and done with then. Any more you'd like to add? | 0:07:05 | 0:07:08 | |
-Knobbing. -Get in! -BOYS LAUGH | 0:07:08 | 0:07:10 | |
-We can do better than that, surely. -What your mum did. | 0:07:10 | 0:07:13 | |
Chapman, see me afterwards. | 0:07:13 | 0:07:14 | |
OK, in front of you, you'll find some small bits of paper. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:18 | |
I'd like you to write down any questions you might have. | 0:07:18 | 0:07:22 | |
And please, don't put your name on them. This is entirely anonymous. | 0:07:22 | 0:07:26 | |
QUIET GIGGLING | 0:07:27 | 0:07:30 | |
Thank you. All right, let's see what we've got, shall we? | 0:07:31 | 0:07:35 | |
"What happens when a sperm hits another sperm?" | 0:07:35 | 0:07:39 | |
-UNDER BREATH: -This is for Langford! | 0:07:39 | 0:07:40 | |
There is a...substance, | 0:07:40 | 0:07:44 | |
which is called seminal fluid, in which sperms will float around | 0:07:44 | 0:07:48 | |
and slide passed each other very easily. | 0:07:48 | 0:07:51 | |
Next one - "Why is Langford a queer?" | 0:07:51 | 0:07:55 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:55 | 0:07:57 | |
Well, I'm not even going to dignify that with a response. | 0:07:57 | 0:07:59 | |
Just going to straight press on, thank you. | 0:07:59 | 0:08:01 | |
"What is a fart?" | 0:08:01 | 0:08:03 | |
THEY CHEER | 0:08:03 | 0:08:04 | |
Well, you've shot yourselves in the foot there, haven't you? | 0:08:04 | 0:08:07 | |
You've shot yourselves in the foot, because now I'm going to ask you all | 0:08:07 | 0:08:10 | |
to write the following phrase five...hundred...times. | 0:08:10 | 0:08:14 | |
THEY ALL GROAN | 0:08:14 | 0:08:16 | |
"The human body is... | 0:08:16 | 0:08:19 | |
"..a wonderful instrument... | 0:08:19 | 0:08:23 | |
"..that deserves... | 0:08:23 | 0:08:26 | |
"..my respect." | 0:08:26 | 0:08:29 | |
Sir, I can't see your writing. Can you stand to the left a bit, sir? | 0:08:29 | 0:08:33 | |
Bit more, sir. Can't see the first bit. | 0:08:34 | 0:08:38 | |
HE MAKES POPPING SOUND RAUCOUS LAUGHTER | 0:08:38 | 0:08:41 | |
What's so funny? | 0:08:41 | 0:08:42 | |
Ignorance, boys. It is a terrible think to have hanging over you head. | 0:08:44 | 0:08:49 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:08:49 | 0:08:51 | |
Mum was determined to continue with her own form of adult education. | 0:08:52 | 0:08:56 | |
Do you ever drink wine, Maur? | 0:08:56 | 0:08:58 | |
What do you mean, wine? | 0:08:58 | 0:09:00 | |
Well, you know. With your dinner and that. | 0:09:00 | 0:09:02 | |
-What, corn beef and chips? -SHE LAUGHS | 0:09:02 | 0:09:04 | |
I don't mean now. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:06 | |
-No. Indoors. -Oh, no, wine ain't for indoors. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:10 | |
-It's for when you go up West, ain't it? -And holidays. | 0:09:10 | 0:09:13 | |
They had some in the hotel we was in last year. | 0:09:13 | 0:09:15 | |
-Where was that? -Bournemouth. | 0:09:15 | 0:09:16 | |
Do you like it? | 0:09:16 | 0:09:18 | |
Well, we never had none of it. But they had it there. | 0:09:18 | 0:09:20 | |
I'm sure you can get it from the off-licence. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:22 | |
-Why? Fred got hold of a load of grapes? -MAUR LAUGHS | 0:09:22 | 0:09:25 | |
Yeah. | 0:09:25 | 0:09:27 | |
WISTFULLY: Yeah. | 0:09:27 | 0:09:28 | |
Hello! | 0:09:28 | 0:09:30 | |
Is this supposed to be this far-fetched. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:36 | |
-It's called The Prisoner, Dad. You just go with it. -Go with it? | 0:09:36 | 0:09:40 | |
The only prisoner here's the poor bastard stuck watching it. | 0:09:46 | 0:09:48 | |
BET SIGHS | 0:09:50 | 0:09:52 | |
Wine? What you bought wine for? | 0:09:52 | 0:09:55 | |
Just thought it was time for a change. | 0:09:55 | 0:09:57 | |
Is this about that bastard washing machine? | 0:09:57 | 0:09:59 | |
I've told you, I'll get hold of another one for you. | 0:09:59 | 0:10:02 | |
I got a few things on the bubble right now, all right? | 0:10:02 | 0:10:04 | |
I don't want things on the bubble. I want them... | 0:10:04 | 0:10:06 | |
un-bubbled. Here. Permanent. | 0:10:06 | 0:10:09 | |
Get your feet off my settee. It's the only decent thing I've got. | 0:10:09 | 0:10:13 | |
Bet, you don't want to start drinking wine. It's not for us. | 0:10:13 | 0:10:16 | |
Just try some with me, will you? | 0:10:16 | 0:10:19 | |
Do you reckon this is how they do it up Claridge's? | 0:10:19 | 0:10:21 | |
Careful. | 0:10:21 | 0:10:23 | |
-Oh, bollocks! -Oh! -Gone inside. | 0:10:24 | 0:10:26 | |
Oh, it's The Prisoner. | 0:10:27 | 0:10:29 | |
'Getting a drink was hard enough, | 0:10:29 | 0:10:30 | |
'but pretending you hadn't had one was nearly as hard.' | 0:10:30 | 0:10:33 | |
What you doing? | 0:10:33 | 0:10:34 | |
Living the high life. | 0:10:34 | 0:10:36 | |
Like yourself. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:37 | |
-Here you go. -Go easy. It's got to last. | 0:10:38 | 0:10:41 | |
Go on, get stuck in. | 0:10:41 | 0:10:43 | |
You'll be talking like the Queen Mother after that. | 0:10:43 | 0:10:45 | |
What do you reckon? | 0:10:47 | 0:10:49 | |
-It's lovely. -Yeah? | 0:10:50 | 0:10:52 | |
What do you think? | 0:10:55 | 0:10:56 | |
-HIGH-PITCHED: -I don't think that screwdriver helped. | 0:10:56 | 0:10:58 | |
Oh, well, I like it. Makes a nice change. | 0:10:58 | 0:11:01 | |
Here, have you trod in something? | 0:11:01 | 0:11:04 | |
-He has! -Oh, Danny! -Danny! | 0:11:04 | 0:11:07 | |
-Dirty bastard. Get out. Get out, go on. Animal. -Don't put it down. | 0:11:07 | 0:11:11 | |
Hop! Hop! Ugh. God's sake! | 0:11:11 | 0:11:14 | |
What's that? Fish batter? | 0:11:15 | 0:11:17 | |
-Oh. -It's his keys, ain't it? -Yeah. | 0:11:17 | 0:11:19 | |
-They fell off the counter at the chip shop! -Get a couple of gherkins with them? | 0:11:19 | 0:11:22 | |
SMASHING Ah! | 0:11:22 | 0:11:25 | |
-Well, this is a mad house! -Careful! -It's a mad house! | 0:11:25 | 0:11:28 | |
This is what I'm talking about, Fred. | 0:11:28 | 0:11:31 | |
The sofa's ruined. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:33 | |
I can't have nothing nice, can I? | 0:11:33 | 0:11:35 | |
Fred, I need a word. HE SIGHS | 0:11:35 | 0:11:38 | |
'I am a free man!' | 0:11:38 | 0:11:39 | |
What? | 0:11:40 | 0:11:41 | |
I...I feel like I... | 0:11:41 | 0:11:43 | |
I feel like we're on a roundabout... | 0:11:44 | 0:11:47 | |
at a fairground, grabbing at things as they go by, | 0:11:47 | 0:11:50 | |
dropping them and grabbing at other things as they come by. | 0:11:50 | 0:11:54 | |
We're trying hard but we're not getting anywhere. | 0:11:54 | 0:11:56 | |
-Where do you want to go? -No! | 0:11:59 | 0:12:02 | |
No, what I mean is... | 0:12:02 | 0:12:04 | |
don't you think we're missing out on things? | 0:12:04 | 0:12:06 | |
No. I don't. | 0:12:06 | 0:12:08 | |
Well, sometimes I do, Fred. | 0:12:08 | 0:12:10 | |
Don't you ever think of trying something new? Another thing, say? | 0:12:11 | 0:12:15 | |
Like what? | 0:12:16 | 0:12:18 | |
I don't know. Like... | 0:12:18 | 0:12:19 | |
Like...like going away...to Portugal. | 0:12:21 | 0:12:24 | |
Portugal?! | 0:12:24 | 0:12:25 | |
-I couldn't think of anything worse! -Really? | 0:12:25 | 0:12:28 | |
What are we going to do in Portugal, Bet? | 0:12:28 | 0:12:30 | |
Don't you want to...try anything different? | 0:12:30 | 0:12:34 | |
Meet any new people? | 0:12:34 | 0:12:36 | |
Not particularly, no. | 0:12:36 | 0:12:38 | |
But if you want to, I'll give it a whack. | 0:12:39 | 0:12:42 | |
What do you want to do? | 0:12:42 | 0:12:44 | |
Go away somewhere. Anywhere. | 0:12:45 | 0:12:48 | |
-For a little break, the two of us. -Where? | 0:12:48 | 0:12:50 | |
Joycie Ball goes down the caravan some weekends. | 0:12:51 | 0:12:53 | |
Is that what you want? Piss up against a tree, | 0:12:53 | 0:12:56 | |
hear everyone horse-and-carting all night long? | 0:12:56 | 0:12:58 | |
Well, how is that different than going the Jolly Gardener's | 0:12:58 | 0:13:01 | |
every Saturday night? | 0:13:01 | 0:13:02 | |
# Up in a clear sky Just feel the breeze | 0:13:09 | 0:13:15 | |
# Take some shelter beneath the trees | 0:13:16 | 0:13:21 | |
# All of the summer the sun's beating down | 0:13:21 | 0:13:28 | |
# Within the country of out of town | 0:13:28 | 0:13:33 | |
# Happy days in the haze of summer... | 0:13:33 | 0:13:36 | |
Here you go. | 0:13:36 | 0:13:37 | |
Keep the change, Chas. | 0:13:38 | 0:13:39 | |
# We're going to take a break by the rolling sea | 0:13:41 | 0:13:44 | |
# The perfect summer Just you and me. # | 0:13:44 | 0:13:49 | |
Ooh. Oh. | 0:13:49 | 0:13:51 | |
Where's the light switch? | 0:13:55 | 0:13:56 | |
-What? -The light switch? | 0:13:57 | 0:13:59 | |
-Well, it's gas, innit. -Gas? | 0:13:59 | 0:14:02 | |
Yeah. It's all I could get last minute. | 0:14:02 | 0:14:05 | |
There you go. | 0:14:07 | 0:14:08 | |
It's not bad. | 0:14:10 | 0:14:12 | |
No. It's all right. | 0:14:12 | 0:14:14 | |
-BET SIGHS HAPPILY -There. | 0:14:17 | 0:14:19 | |
-It's nice. -Cosy. -Yeah, cosy. | 0:14:19 | 0:14:22 | |
MUSIC: Wigwam by Bob Dylan | 0:14:25 | 0:14:28 | |
I thought they'd have a telly or something. | 0:14:42 | 0:14:44 | |
A gas one? | 0:14:44 | 0:14:45 | |
Well, you said you wanted peace and quiet. | 0:14:48 | 0:14:51 | |
Just the two of us, away from the estate. | 0:14:53 | 0:14:56 | |
You got your wine. | 0:14:57 | 0:14:58 | |
You still don't look happy, girl. | 0:15:00 | 0:15:02 | |
What is it, Bet? What you looking for? | 0:15:03 | 0:15:05 | |
Oh, just come and sit next to us, will you? | 0:15:08 | 0:15:11 | |
Oh, mind me wine. | 0:15:15 | 0:15:16 | |
-Fred... -There's a spider making a web up there. | 0:15:36 | 0:15:40 | |
Huh. | 0:15:40 | 0:15:41 | |
TYRES ON GRAVEL What's that? | 0:15:43 | 0:15:45 | |
Here, that's Derek Taylor's motor. | 0:15:48 | 0:15:52 | |
What? Derek from Gillam House? Yeah, it looks like it. Eh? | 0:15:52 | 0:15:55 | |
DOOR OPENS | 0:15:55 | 0:15:57 | |
-Derek! -Spud! | 0:15:58 | 0:16:00 | |
What you doing here? | 0:16:00 | 0:16:02 | |
-Are you just leaving? -No, we just arrived. | 0:16:02 | 0:16:05 | |
But...we've got a week booked. | 0:16:05 | 0:16:07 | |
Oh, my giddy aunt. | 0:16:07 | 0:16:09 | |
Who'd you book it with? Joey Churcher? | 0:16:09 | 0:16:12 | |
-Yeah. -Dirty bastard! | 0:16:12 | 0:16:14 | |
-It's our anniversary! -Is it? | 0:16:14 | 0:16:16 | |
Well, you'd better come in then. | 0:16:16 | 0:16:18 | |
We're double booked! | 0:16:18 | 0:16:19 | |
Is that who you got this off? Joey Churcher? | 0:16:19 | 0:16:22 | |
Fred, you said you were having nothing more to do with him | 0:16:22 | 0:16:24 | |
after he poisoned that donkey. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:26 | |
Well, he had his reasons. | 0:16:26 | 0:16:27 | |
Yeah. Thing is, like I said, it's our anniversary, Bet. | 0:16:27 | 0:16:31 | |
-Hello, Val! -Hi, Val. -Hi. | 0:16:31 | 0:16:33 | |
-Happy anniversary, but... -Thanks, Bet. | 0:16:33 | 0:16:35 | |
..where we supposed to sleep? On the roof? | 0:16:35 | 0:16:37 | |
Oh, we'll be all right. Don't worry about that. | 0:16:37 | 0:16:39 | |
-We'll sort something out. -Yeah! We can sort this out. | 0:16:39 | 0:16:42 | |
Val, get the kids out the car. | 0:16:42 | 0:16:43 | |
-Kids? -Kid's are here. Oh. | 0:16:43 | 0:16:46 | |
-KNOCK AT DOOR -Whay! -Who's this? | 0:16:46 | 0:16:49 | |
-Wally! -Ahhh! -Evening, all! | 0:16:49 | 0:16:50 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:50 | 0:16:52 | |
-It's Wally! -Hello, hello. | 0:16:52 | 0:16:54 | |
Lil's here! Lil's here! What you doing here? | 0:16:54 | 0:16:58 | |
I've got a shocking thirst on me, Baker. | 0:16:58 | 0:16:59 | |
Apparently this stuff's pretty good for it. | 0:16:59 | 0:17:01 | |
-RAUCOUS LAUGHTER -You got a bottle opener? | 0:17:01 | 0:17:04 | |
Did you know Wally and Lil were coming here? | 0:17:04 | 0:17:06 | |
I had no idea! I had no idea. | 0:17:06 | 0:17:08 | |
Oh, well... I mean, I said we were going away in a caravan. | 0:17:08 | 0:17:11 | |
And, you know, obviously...you know, they were passing. | 0:17:11 | 0:17:14 | |
-You know, and they're here! -HE LAUGHS | 0:17:14 | 0:17:17 | |
Where are we supposed to sleep now that Derek and Val | 0:17:17 | 0:17:19 | |
and the kids are in with us, eh? | 0:17:19 | 0:17:20 | |
Well, we'll sort something out. | 0:17:20 | 0:17:22 | |
Don't worry about it. We'll be all right. We'll hatch up. | 0:17:22 | 0:17:25 | |
We'll hatch up! | 0:17:25 | 0:17:27 | |
-Get it down your neck, me old son. -That's it! | 0:17:27 | 0:17:30 | |
-DANNY: -With Mum and Dad away, | 0:17:30 | 0:17:31 | |
I was hoping another adult milestone would soon be passed, | 0:17:31 | 0:17:34 | |
this time with my girlfriend, Yvonne. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:36 | |
It's no good, you playing these records. I can't relax. | 0:17:36 | 0:17:39 | |
I keep thinking your mum's going to walk in on us again. | 0:17:39 | 0:17:41 | |
No, it's all right. They're all down the caravan. | 0:17:41 | 0:17:44 | |
-Dymchurch? Everyone goes there. -Yeah. | 0:17:44 | 0:17:46 | |
Anyway, so come on. What's this surprise you've got for me, then? | 0:17:47 | 0:17:51 | |
Oh, yeah. | 0:17:51 | 0:17:52 | |
'It was time to introduce the magic ingredient.' | 0:17:53 | 0:17:56 | |
-What's this? -This is Guinness, that's a pale ale. | 0:17:58 | 0:18:02 | |
Which one do you want? | 0:18:02 | 0:18:03 | |
I'm not a stevedore. | 0:18:03 | 0:18:05 | |
It's all I could get! | 0:18:05 | 0:18:07 | |
-It'll get us drunk. -SHE SIGHS UNHAPPILY | 0:18:07 | 0:18:10 | |
How revolting. | 0:18:10 | 0:18:11 | |
I don't want to get drunk. | 0:18:12 | 0:18:14 | |
Is that what this is all about? | 0:18:14 | 0:18:16 | |
Just think it's time that we grow up a bit. | 0:18:16 | 0:18:18 | |
Time one of us grew up a bit. | 0:18:18 | 0:18:19 | |
I'll go watch some telly downstairs. | 0:18:21 | 0:18:23 | |
If you'd have got Cinzano, might have been different. | 0:18:26 | 0:18:29 | |
Cinzano? | 0:18:31 | 0:18:33 | |
# Roll out those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer | 0:18:33 | 0:18:41 | |
# Those days of soda and pretzels and beer | 0:18:41 | 0:18:45 | |
# Roll out those... # | 0:18:45 | 0:18:47 | |
Maybe I've figured it out. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:51 | |
The kids can kip in Derek's car, | 0:18:51 | 0:18:53 | |
Derek and... Yeah! ..Derek and Val, | 0:18:53 | 0:18:55 | |
they can kip in the bed behind the curtain. | 0:18:55 | 0:18:56 | |
It's their anniversary. No privacy, right? | 0:18:56 | 0:18:59 | |
And me and you... | 0:18:59 | 0:19:01 | |
-Whay-hey! -CHEERING | 0:19:01 | 0:19:03 | |
Look who's here! | 0:19:03 | 0:19:05 | |
-What are you all doing here? -What's going on, eh? | 0:19:05 | 0:19:07 | |
-You booked it for the week? -Yeah. | 0:19:07 | 0:19:09 | |
-Don't tell me - Joey Churcher. -Yeah. | 0:19:09 | 0:19:11 | |
-ALL: -Dirty bastard! | 0:19:11 | 0:19:13 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:19:13 | 0:19:15 | |
Hey, the Gardener's won't take a tenner tonight! | 0:19:15 | 0:19:18 | |
Give that man a glass, Wal. Give him a glass. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:20 | |
You all right over there? There you go! | 0:19:20 | 0:19:22 | |
Come on, Bet - cheer up! Imagine there's a war on. | 0:19:22 | 0:19:26 | |
Yeah. There might as well be | 0:19:26 | 0:19:28 | |
cos as far as I'm concerned, it can't get any worse. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:31 | |
Nah! LOUD CRACKING | 0:19:31 | 0:19:33 | |
-THEY ALL YELL -Oh! | 0:19:33 | 0:19:35 | |
THEY CHEER LOUDLY | 0:19:39 | 0:19:42 | |
-Joey Churcher... -ALL: -Dirty bastard! | 0:19:43 | 0:19:47 | |
-THEY LAUGH Oh, my God! -Oh, my goodness. | 0:19:47 | 0:19:50 | |
I know I shouldn't laugh, but it does sound funny. | 0:19:50 | 0:19:53 | |
I bet your bleeding floor didn't collapse in Portugal. | 0:19:53 | 0:19:56 | |
-No, but Bill nearly did after a couple of bottles of that. -Did he? | 0:19:56 | 0:19:59 | |
Oh, thanks for this. | 0:19:59 | 0:20:01 | |
-What is it again? -Rose wine. You'll like it. | 0:20:01 | 0:20:04 | |
-Yeah. Well, I like the little basket. -Yeah. | 0:20:04 | 0:20:07 | |
And you can pop a candle in the top there. | 0:20:07 | 0:20:09 | |
Yeah? Does that keep it fresh? | 0:20:09 | 0:20:10 | |
After you've drank it, you soppy cow! | 0:20:10 | 0:20:13 | |
-It's romantic! -SHE LAUGHS | 0:20:13 | 0:20:15 | |
Oh, I don't know, Mary. It's a whole different world. | 0:20:15 | 0:20:18 | |
A bowl of cockles outside the pub is about as romantic as Fred gets. | 0:20:18 | 0:20:22 | |
Well, why don't you come with us this Saturday. | 0:20:22 | 0:20:24 | |
-I could use the company. -Yeah? Where you going? | 0:20:24 | 0:20:27 | |
Bermondsey Small Retailers Annual Dinner Dance. | 0:20:27 | 0:20:30 | |
That sounds marvellous. | 0:20:30 | 0:20:31 | |
Oh, you've obviously never been to one. | 0:20:31 | 0:20:34 | |
# For once in my life I have someone who needs me | 0:20:34 | 0:20:39 | |
# Someone I've needed so... # | 0:20:39 | 0:20:41 | |
This is a bit more near the mark, eh? | 0:20:41 | 0:20:43 | |
Sorry I can't get us all on the same table, Bet, | 0:20:43 | 0:20:45 | |
what with the late notice, but we can all mingle later on. | 0:20:45 | 0:20:49 | |
Yeah, we'll be all right on our own, Mary. | 0:20:49 | 0:20:51 | |
All right, love. Hope that's had all its injections. | 0:20:51 | 0:20:54 | |
-HE LAUGHS Ease up a bit Fred, eh? -What? | 0:20:54 | 0:20:58 | |
'In spite of my setback with Yvonne, I'd not become disillusioned | 0:21:00 | 0:21:03 | |
'about the many and varied advantages | 0:21:03 | 0:21:05 | |
'of going out and getting a right old skin-full.' | 0:21:05 | 0:21:07 | |
Lads, lads, we've got a ladder! | 0:21:07 | 0:21:09 | |
THEY SHOUT EXCITEDLY | 0:21:09 | 0:21:12 | |
-Put it down! -Don't drop it! | 0:21:18 | 0:21:20 | |
-Whay-hey! -Whaaaay! | 0:21:21 | 0:21:24 | |
-Leave it out. -Oh, come on. | 0:21:24 | 0:21:25 | |
Here, 'scuse me, Chas. Where'd you get your skimmish? | 0:21:28 | 0:21:32 | |
-Your drink? -Waiters are bringing it round, Fred. | 0:21:32 | 0:21:35 | |
And don't call everybody Chas. | 0:21:35 | 0:21:37 | |
Well, I'm just... | 0:21:37 | 0:21:39 | |
And as I never tire of telling people, we can't all be a Harrods, | 0:21:41 | 0:21:45 | |
or a Selfridges, or the big Ravel Shoes in Tower Bridge Road... | 0:21:45 | 0:21:49 | |
I'm going to have to get a light ale, Betty. I'm screeching. | 0:21:50 | 0:21:53 | |
Anybody want anything when I'm up the ramp? | 0:21:53 | 0:21:55 | |
I'm sure they don't, Fred. | 0:21:55 | 0:21:56 | |
-Mackeson. -Mackeson's. -I'll have a bitter. | 0:21:56 | 0:21:58 | |
-Pint of lager. -Lager. | 0:21:58 | 0:22:00 | |
You're not going to leave me on my own, are you? | 0:22:00 | 0:22:02 | |
I thought this is what you wanted, meet new people. | 0:22:02 | 0:22:04 | |
-..the Sarson's Vinegar factory... -Won't be a minute. | 0:22:04 | 0:22:07 | |
..in Mombasa Street. | 0:22:07 | 0:22:08 | |
Your husband...he's quite a character, isn't he? | 0:22:15 | 0:22:18 | |
We both run a stationers | 0:22:18 | 0:22:19 | |
and he was telling us how he could get 1,000 ballpoint pens for £25. | 0:22:19 | 0:22:24 | |
-Is that right? -How on earth could he do that and still make money? | 0:22:24 | 0:22:27 | |
Oh...he...moves things around. | 0:22:27 | 0:22:31 | |
Good evening, everyone. I hope you're enjoying yourselves. | 0:22:31 | 0:22:34 | |
Now, I know most people here, | 0:22:34 | 0:22:35 | |
but I don't believe we've had the pleasure? | 0:22:35 | 0:22:37 | |
Oh, uh, Bet. Erm... | 0:22:37 | 0:22:39 | |
-Elizabeth Baker. -Very pleased to meet you. | 0:22:39 | 0:22:41 | |
-It's my silver wedding anniversary this evening. -Congratulations. | 0:22:41 | 0:22:44 | |
I've got a little something planned for later on | 0:22:44 | 0:22:47 | |
-that I'm hoping you can all be part of. -Oh, right! | 0:22:47 | 0:22:50 | |
Enjoy the rest of the evening. | 0:22:50 | 0:22:51 | |
Me and my mates had reached a point in the evening | 0:22:53 | 0:22:56 | |
best described as "seemed like a good idea at the time". | 0:22:56 | 0:22:59 | |
Can we ditch it now? | 0:22:59 | 0:23:00 | |
Lads, lads, let's leave it up against the bank, eh? | 0:23:00 | 0:23:03 | |
-BOY LAUGHS -Brilliant! | 0:23:03 | 0:23:05 | |
Old Bill will have a fit when they see that there. | 0:23:05 | 0:23:07 | |
There we are. | 0:23:07 | 0:23:09 | |
Whaaay! | 0:23:09 | 0:23:11 | |
-ALARM SOUNDS -Shit! | 0:23:11 | 0:23:13 | |
What we going to do? | 0:23:13 | 0:23:14 | |
Let's just wait here and just explain what happened. | 0:23:14 | 0:23:17 | |
Bollocks to that. Let's just run! | 0:23:17 | 0:23:19 | |
But we can't just run. This is bad. | 0:23:19 | 0:23:21 | |
-Give us me wallet. -You want your wallet? -Yeah. | 0:23:23 | 0:23:25 | |
Yeah? Go and get it. | 0:23:25 | 0:23:27 | |
What have you done? | 0:23:30 | 0:23:31 | |
That is not funny, you wankers! What am I going to do?! | 0:23:33 | 0:23:35 | |
Just go and get it, Trev. Just go... | 0:23:35 | 0:23:37 | |
I'm not going in a bank in the middle of the night, am I? | 0:23:37 | 0:23:40 | |
You're going to have to or you'll be banged up for a thousand years. | 0:23:40 | 0:23:43 | |
'Drink had little effect on Dad. | 0:23:44 | 0:23:46 | |
'He was like this most of the time anyway.' | 0:23:46 | 0:23:49 | |
BALLROOM MUSIC PLAYS | 0:23:49 | 0:23:52 | |
'But for Mum, it was a different story.' | 0:23:53 | 0:23:55 | |
-Enjoying it, Bet? -Well, Fred certainly is. | 0:23:55 | 0:23:58 | |
-THEY CHUCKLE -I'll bet Fred has a good time wherever he goes. | 0:23:58 | 0:24:01 | |
-Right, come on girls, drink up. -Mary! | 0:24:01 | 0:24:04 | |
Ugh! | 0:24:07 | 0:24:08 | |
I have always wanted to do that. Come on! | 0:24:08 | 0:24:11 | |
Sometimes it's the only way to get through nights like this. | 0:24:11 | 0:24:14 | |
Two dwarfs in a brothel... | 0:24:16 | 0:24:19 | |
Where have you been? | 0:24:19 | 0:24:21 | |
-Outside with the girls. -Oh, yeah. | 0:24:21 | 0:24:23 | |
Listening to them all say what a lovely bloke you are. | 0:24:23 | 0:24:25 | |
Oh, well. Not made of wood. | 0:24:25 | 0:24:28 | |
Now, ladies and gentlemen, we all know that tonight | 0:24:28 | 0:24:30 | |
is the biggest night of the year for Bermondsey retail, | 0:24:30 | 0:24:33 | |
but it is also a very special night for myself and Mrs Trump. | 0:24:33 | 0:24:37 | |
It's our silver wedding anniversary! | 0:24:37 | 0:24:39 | |
Aww. | 0:24:39 | 0:24:40 | |
So, I'd like to ask my dear lady wife | 0:24:42 | 0:24:44 | |
to join me for our very own anniversary waltz. | 0:24:44 | 0:24:47 | |
-This is it. This is it. -What's what? | 0:24:49 | 0:24:51 | |
BAND PLAYS A DREARY WALTZ | 0:24:51 | 0:24:54 | |
-Try not to kick them up the arse as they come by. -Shh! Fred. | 0:25:02 | 0:25:05 | |
This is the big moment he's got planned for her. | 0:25:05 | 0:25:07 | |
-What's that? -He wants us all in on it. | 0:25:07 | 0:25:08 | |
Oh, here we go, here we go! Come on, he wants us to join them. | 0:25:15 | 0:25:18 | |
-Come on! -Bet. | 0:25:18 | 0:25:20 | |
Bet! | 0:25:20 | 0:25:21 | |
Come back. | 0:25:21 | 0:25:23 | |
THEY MOUTH SILENTLY | 0:25:38 | 0:25:42 | |
Excuse me. | 0:26:02 | 0:26:03 | |
Bet! | 0:26:07 | 0:26:08 | |
Bet! | 0:26:09 | 0:26:10 | |
-You all right? -I thought he was waving me on! | 0:26:14 | 0:26:17 | |
I've made such a fool out of myself. | 0:26:18 | 0:26:20 | |
It's all right. They're all laughing in there. | 0:26:21 | 0:26:24 | |
Oh, are they? Oh, great. | 0:26:24 | 0:26:26 | |
Great! | 0:26:26 | 0:26:27 | |
-Come on, let's go back in. -No, Fred! | 0:26:27 | 0:26:30 | |
-Oh, take me home. -Really? | 0:26:32 | 0:26:34 | |
Come on. Fucking hell. | 0:26:37 | 0:26:40 | |
What were you thinking? | 0:26:40 | 0:26:41 | |
I don't know. He came over, he said | 0:26:41 | 0:26:44 | |
"I'd like to this special thing, I hope you'll all join in." | 0:26:44 | 0:26:47 | |
I thought that's what he meant! | 0:26:47 | 0:26:48 | |
-ALARM SOUNDS -Come on, Trev. -Be careful! | 0:26:48 | 0:26:51 | |
You can do it.. | 0:26:51 | 0:26:52 | |
-This ain't happening. -Hurry up! | 0:26:52 | 0:26:55 | |
OTHERS CHEER | 0:26:55 | 0:26:57 | |
Go on, Coxy! | 0:26:57 | 0:26:58 | |
Whoa! Ho-ho! | 0:26:58 | 0:27:01 | |
'It had been a sobering night all round, | 0:27:01 | 0:27:04 | |
'and we'd all learned a few lessons - | 0:27:04 | 0:27:06 | |
'Mum, me...and poor old Trevor Cox.' | 0:27:06 | 0:27:10 | |
I'm going to kill you, Churcher! | 0:27:10 | 0:27:12 | |
HE PANTS | 0:27:12 | 0:27:15 | |
I've found it! | 0:27:20 | 0:27:21 | |
-LAUGHTER -See you later, Trev! | 0:27:26 | 0:27:28 | |
SIREN WAILS | 0:27:31 | 0:27:34 | |
FRED SIGHS | 0:27:34 | 0:27:36 | |
You got it all out your system, then? | 0:27:36 | 0:27:38 | |
-What? -All that dream world? | 0:27:41 | 0:27:43 | |
-I suppose so. -Hmm. | 0:27:46 | 0:27:48 | |
Saying that, I wouldn't mind another do like tonight, girl. | 0:27:48 | 0:27:51 | |
No, straight. I made some lovely connections there. | 0:27:52 | 0:27:55 | |
-Connections? -Yeah. | 0:27:55 | 0:27:57 | |
I think I'll earn a few quid out of that mob there tonight. | 0:27:57 | 0:28:00 | |
Shoes, handbags, Port. | 0:28:00 | 0:28:03 | |
Here, turns out that ginger fella own half share in a caff, | 0:28:03 | 0:28:06 | |
so we'll be rid of all that haddock by the weekend. | 0:28:06 | 0:28:08 | |
Are you serious? | 0:28:08 | 0:28:10 | |
You were right, you know. | 0:28:10 | 0:28:12 | |
It's good to meet new people. | 0:28:12 | 0:28:14 | |
# They say time will wait for no man | 0:28:30 | 0:28:34 | |
# They say time is on my side | 0:28:35 | 0:28:39 | |
# I can never make my mind up | 0:28:40 | 0:28:44 | |
# Cos it all goes whizzing by | 0:28:44 | 0:28:47 | |
-# From the cradle to the grave -From the cradle to the grave | 0:28:47 | 0:28:53 | |
-# I know I won't be a slave -I know I won't be a slave... # | 0:28:53 | 0:28:56 |