Episode 4 Cradle to Grave

This programme contains some strong language

# They say time will wait for no man

# They say time is on my side

# I can never make my mind up

# Cos it all goes whizzing by

-# From the cradle to the grave

-# From the cradle to the grave

-# I know I won't be a slave

-# I know I won't be a slave

-# To the mistakes that I made

-# From the cradle

# And I won't go till I'm ready From the cradle to the grave. #

'My dad was never a worrier. He didn't have sleepless nights.

'And then my sister Sharon told him she was getting married.'

It's going to cost a fortune, this wedding, isn't it?

Mm.

It's a Baker wedding, got to push the boat out, haven't I?

-I'm sure Roger's mum and dad'll help out.

-Yeah.

Oi! Don't you dare! Never in your life.

Make me look like I've got the arse hanging out of me trousers?

-But there's so many of us.

-And?

I mean, how many was there at Paul and Paulette's wedding? 180?

I don't know.

Then there's the hall. The church. The dress. The cars.

I mean, how are you going to pay for all that?

Don't you worry about it.

I'm just in schtuck for now, but, well,

when my daughter gets married, she's going to have the best a-goin'.

'I was a good footballer and had been made captain of the school team

'by our sports master, Mr Glover.'

Come short, Butler, come short!

Don't all chase after one ball!

-How many balls are there then, sir?

-Come here, lad.

While it's level pegging, Mr Glover, is it a good time to call it off?

Is this you conceding the match, Mr Parslow?

The conditions are very bad.

This is a Cup semifinal.

As I say to my lads, there's no such thing as bad conditions,

it's just bad attitude!

Come on, West Greenwich, step it up!

They're ready to throw in the towel, this lot!

Wish somebody would throw me a towel.

# To be mesmerised by the beautiful game. #

CHEERING

WHISTLE

Come on, West Greenwich. Victory huddle! Victory huddle!

Lads, you are bringing into fruition a dream I have nurtured

for 27 years ever since I came down to London.

Just one match left now, St Joseph's in the final, and this is...

-Cartwright?

-Sir?

-What are you doing in this huddle?

-I was substitute, sir.

-An unused substitute, therefore, you are superfluous.

-Superfluous, sir?

Superfluous. S-U-P-E-R-F-L-E-W-E-S.

An unused substitute only has one duty after the match, attend to it.

This is the year... Right over!

This is the year when I hang up my boots.

And, I'll tell you this, lads, for nothing,

I am going to go out with a bang!

'Football was my life. It always had been.

'But something else was taking over.

'Nobody was exactly sure

'what part of the curriculum Future Studies came under.

'But that wasn't the point.

'The point was, it involved absolutely nothing resembling work.

'And, best of all, the teacher was the smoking hot Miss Blondel.'

-That's good.

-No, It's rubbish, Miss.

I didn't leave enough room for "Zeppelin".

Oh, I thought you were trying to trying to show

how much pressure they're under, you know, squeezing them up?

There is no such thing as bad art, only bad appraisal.

I like it, Danny.

What about Last Tango In Paris, Miss? Is that art?

My dad says it ain't. He says it's filth.

BOYS SNIGGER

OK, well.

Tell your dad the real filth are blatantly commercial movies

only interested in making money.

-Oh!

-BOYS SNIGGER

On the posters for that Last Tango, Miss, it says,

"This is passion, in bucketfuls". Is it, Miss?

Yes.

But it's not pornographic.

-How do you know that, Miss?

-Because I've seen both.

THEY LAUGH

Pornography is just about bodies.

The Last Tango is about taking inner emotions to a higher plane.

-Oh! Plane!

-Like a spiritual plane?

You know P-L-A-N-E, plane?

Yes.

-So, how do you spell the one that flies?

-P-L-A-N-E.

And, on this plane, Miss, is everyone in the nude?

SCHOOL BELL

OK, thank you, Tommy. Now, please, everybody gather your things up.

'I was obsessed with Miss Blondel.

'Every exotic myth about her swirled around

'the little photographic dark room she'd set up.

'She always took lunch in there with her boyfriend, Mr Hall.'

Oh, boys, since Kevin Blackwell left,

we do have an opening in the photography club.

Anyone desperate to join?

Can't, Miss. Tuesday evenings. Football training.

Er. Yeah, I will, Miss.

Oh!

See you there.

'According to legend, an older boy, Mark Stitch, went in there with her

'and things developed very nicely between them.'

Shipment from Milan. Have a look at that.

-Here you are, lads. Tel.

-Cheers, mate.

I'll have two pairs, if you're knocking 'em out.

The point is we can't knock 'em out, they're left feet.

-What's the point of that?

-To stop us knocking 'em out.

-Where are all the right feet?

-Liverpool.

They got the pox with everyone helping themselves.

Now it's left through London, right through Liverpool.

-Be fair, Spud, that's pretty shrewd.

-Is it?

Whose side you on? How are we supposed to make a living?

-Cyril Vosper's brother.

-Who? What?

-He's got one leg. He'll have one.

Oh, as it happens, I think it's the right.

Tell him to hop up to Birkenhead and sort himself out.

-Oh!

-Oh!

-Oh!

Just come in to say goodbye, lads.

I never thought I'd see the day.

Come on, Spud, I'm 62.

She wants to move down to Dorset, be near her sister.

Two grand it's up to now, never thought it'd go as high as two.

Are you sure about this, Arseholes? I mean,

things do have a habit of blowing up in your face.

'OK. Here's what's so funny. Teddy Arseholes, as he was known,

'was actually a corruption of Teddy Aerosol.

'His wife Kim bought a new air freshener she didn't like.

'Her sister convinced her it was too dangerous to put a full can

'in the bin, so she decided to empty it down the toilet.'

'None of this was a problem

'except she didn't tell Teddy what she'd done.'

HE SNIFFS

TEDDY GROANS, DOG BARKS

Sit yourself down.

'Ever since, Teddy Arseholes never sat down if he could help it.'

Come on, Arseholes, you know what you've got to do.

-Ain't still doing that, are you?

-Come on.

It's her! Going on about Dorset all the fuckin' time.

It's the only reason I took it.

I don't know what you're talking about Danny, I really don't.

-I'm just saying, we're not children any more, are we?

-Yeah. And?

Well, you know, we should take our passion to a higher plane.

P-L-A-N-E.

I am not having it off with you, that's all there is to it.

-I didn't say that.

-That's what you meant, though, isn't it?

Will you stop doing that? It's really annoying me.

Don't you feel anything?

Yeah. I'm freezing. Can we go in?

# Meet me in the playground at a quarter-to-four. #

Come on, get them legs in the air!

You never know your luck in the big city!

Cartwright, get your leg in the air!

You couldn't get an envelope under there.

WHISTLE

-Where's Baker? Where's my team captain?

-He's not here, sir.

I can see that, you barm cake. Where is he?

He's at photography, sir.

-He's doing what!

-Future Studies.

WHISTLE

Right, you lot! Twice round the pitch.

First, backwards, second time, reverse zigzag!

Futuristic? I'll give him futuristic.

I've never heard owt like it in me life.

If he thinks I'm going to spend 18 hours a day planning a Cup campaign

so that he can deliberately sabotage it, he's got another think coming.

Slack work. Slack work!

I like it. Nice colours.

Different side against the wind. You know, it's very pretty.

-Miss, I er, I took a photo of that tramp.

-Tramp?

Oh, yes. It's the hair, it makes an interesting composition.

Great, Danny.

-OK, who's next?

-Me, Miss.

-There you are.

-Thank you. Here.

Wait. With the light, I think...

That should be fine.

-Do you remember?

-Yeah.

-Perfect.

-Oh, Philip, don't take another picture of the tramp.

-Why not?

Try something different, try and find another aspect of him.

Why not take a picture of his bottle or something?

Be interesting to see what you've got

once we get it back in the dark room.

The dark room.

Philip, what are you doing?

Taking a picture of the tramp's "bottle", like you said.

I thought it made an interesting composition.

# I wanna have a girl. #

Have you really never been in a bank before, Mr Baker?

Never in my life. I've got mates that've been in a few banks,

but never when you're open, if you know what I mean.

-So, it's £1,000 you'd like to borrow?

-A grand, yes.

And you want the whole amount for a wedding?

You ain't seen the size of my family.

So, how's this work, Chas?

You give me the grand, what's in it for you?

-Well, I charge you interest, don't I, Mr Baker?

-Come again?

If I OK you £1,000, I'd be looking to get back,

at current rates, around 1,100.

Oh, right, right. You're looking for a tonne out of it.

-And that's on top, is it?

-Yes.

-This £100, where does that come from?

-Well, that's entirely up to you.

-Ah. That's between us, is it?

-It would be confidential.

Confidential? Right. Right, right.

So, why don't you just give me the 1,100

and I'll give you your tonne straight away?

-Mr Baker, it's not my £100.

-No, no, no, but it could be, couldn't it?

If you want to meet me in the Duke Of Suffolk in half-an-hour's time,

it would be. You see what I'm saying?

Yeah. You know. You know. HE LAUGHS

-All right?

-How did it go, Dad?

Bloke was puggled, I couldn't make head nor tail of him.

Well, did you get the loan all right?

-Yeah, all sorted. Not a bother.

-Because I was talking to Mum

and I can't decide between Dianne or Maureen.

I was wondering if I could have four bridesmaids instead of three?

Sharon, just talk to your mother.

-Whatever you want. I'll foot the bill.

-Thanks, Dad.

I'm going to call Roger, can I use the phone?

Shilling in the tin?

No good at the bank?

Oh, Fred. We needed that money. What happened?

Bet, I am never going in one of them places again. It's a different world.

I offered him some scope, and he couldn't grasp it.

It's like he didn't know what I was talking about!

I want assurances from you, headmaster, that you've no intention

of allowing Baker to transfer from the football team.

-Transfer?

-I've heard the futuristic movement are trying to poach him.

Do you mean Future Studies, Miss Blondel?

The only future he should to be studying is next Wednesday, at 3pm,

Coldharbour Playing Fields, the Black Cup Final.

There's nothing I can do, Mr Glover, this is a school, not football club.

-It's a matter of free will.

-Free will? Free will!

What about my free will? My free will to deliver the Cup to the board

and all the long-suffering fans? Free will?!

Again, Mr Glover, this is a school. I'm not Jimmy Hill.

This is not an interview on Match Of The Day.

What you call fans, we call pupils.

They're children, Mr Glover, in our care.

I never expect a manager and a chairman to see eye to eye.

But I will tell you this.

The moment a player has more power than his manager,

football in this country is finished and I can promise you that!

-What do you think?

-You've developed it already?

Yes, I think it's terrific. You can see all the little lines in his face.

It's full of expression.

Yeah. I thought I was going to develop it with you, Miss?

Oh.

Danny, why do you want to do photography?

I just do, Miss.

Because Mr Glover has been giving me hell

about you walking out on the football team.

So, what's suddenly so interesting about photography?

Well, I think I might want to be a photographer when I leave school.

I want to work in the dark room with you.

OK.

Now, I don't know what you have heard,

but I never allow any pupil in my dark room.

So, if that's where you think this is leading,

you'd be better off going and playing football again.

Do I make myself clear?

Yes, Miss.

Perfect!

CAR HORN

-Starkers, you Scouse ponce!

-All right there, Spud, you Cockney git.

-How are you, mate?

-You all right?

-All right, there.

-How are you?

-Nice ride down?

-Yeah, not bad.

-You got the gear?

-Yeah, bloody right we have.

They were so confident, there was hardly any security on the gates.

Cally here just drove out with them one night.

The same as us, they didn't even look in the back of me van.

Let's have a look. Come on.

Oh, ho-ho! Nice and tasty!

Business as usual, eh?

-What are you going to knock 'em out for, fiver a pair?

-Two quid, if I'm lucky.

Two quid? That's a nice bit of leather there. Italian shoes.

Nah, two quid tops.

We could've got six or seven a pair if they was platforms.

-If they was what?

-Platforms. That's what they're all wearing now, Spud.

Two quid?

How are you getting on up there?

Still trying to close you down, same as us?

Spud, I've lost count how many marches I've been on.

Stood under every banner there is.

Called three strikes in one week, I have. I'm telling you, it's over.

Nah. No way. No chance.

Well, I'm not taking the money.

We're an army without guns. A people without a land, Spud.

We're dockers without a docks.

They'll always need docks, Starkers. Always.

How many ships come in to your wharf now, eh?

One, two a week at most.

They're all going to Le Havre or Rotterdam, or Hamburg, aren't they,

-where it's all containerised.

-But they got to get it here, ain't they?

What are they going to use? Hot air balloons?

Nine of us there was, nine Stark brothers.

And I'm the last one still in.

But, I've got to tell you, Spud, last Wednesday...

..I ticked that box.

No! No, mate! Not you, Starkers, not you and all!

Two grand, mate, I took the money.

-You're crackers!

-Am I? You grab their money now, Spud, me old mate.

Cos the minute they discover they've got us running scared,

instead of that money going up, it'll start going down.

SCHOOL BELL

'My dreams of Miss Blondel and the dark room had turned to ashes.

'So, too, had my chance of playing in the Black Cup Final,

'the biggest game in the school's history.'

Dan, he played Harrison up front in training.

Lenny's put him through. He's gone round the goalie, open goal,

tripped over his own two feet, and hit his head on the goal post.

On the goalpost. Glover's gone mad.

-Told him to train with the reserves.

-We've got no reserves.

-And he told him he couldn't shower after.

-Why?

-He didn't want to waste any hot water on him.

-What? Glover?

-Yeah.

Baker!

You two! Make yourself scarce!

I think it's time we had a word. Don't you?

I understand there are distractions

for a young player at the very top of his game.

Believe it or not, I was 15 myself once, playing for the school team.

I remember getting my head turned by nesting.

Nesting?

Eventually, I came to realise I had certain responsibilities

beyond gathering eggs from reed warblers, wagtails and egrets,

no matter how exciting the thrill of the chase.

Look, we all have different boxes in our lives.

There's our football box, very important.

I had my nesting box. You've got your photography box.

And, I dare say before too long, you'll have your girlfriend's box.

Do you see what I'm saying?

Er, yeah, yes, sir.

The hard part is managing your boxes.

That's where I come in.

Cos I'm the best manager there is.

So, my photography class with Miss Blondel?

I can do that and still play football?

No! Not a chance!

I want you to take your photography, put it in its box,

put chains round that box, set fire to it, and throw it into the canal.

Until we win the Black Cup,

I don't want to see you within 100 miles of a camera.

Do you understand?

Yeah, sir.

And that is strong management.

# Vicious

# You hit me with a flower. #

Your sister said that Paul and Paulette's wedding cost 1,100 quid.

If we're sensible, I think we could do Sharon's for about a grand.

-Now, I've got 400 upstairs behind the wardrobe at the minute.

-Is that all?

The fiddles are drying up, Bet.

Everything's changing, nothing I can do about it.

By the way, what the fuckin' hell are platform shoes?

Fred, she's getting married in September!

All right. Tick-tock, tick-tock.

RADIO NEWS PROGRAMME

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-TV:

-The conflict between the Greeks and Turks in Cyprus

remains unresolved.

Two bob, and they still haven't told us who's won.

So, what's that?

May, June, July, August. 50 quid a week out of me wages.

400 upstairs. I reckon we'll get it up to a grand by September, somehow.

You do remember, don't you,

-that Paulette's Paul only had his mum and his aunt there.

-Mm?

Roger's family's as big as ours.

-Roger's family?

-You hadn't thought of that, had you?

Roger's family!

I suppose they've all got to come, have they? What?

So. What, two grand?

Two grand.

'I was back in the team

'and The Black Cup Final was one of the most exciting days of my life.

'But we just couldn't score.

'Mainly because they had the best goalkeeper in London.'

Belt it, lads! All you have to do is belt it!

I will not have continental football at this club!

'We needed a goal cos, if it went to penalties,

'we all knew he'd save ours and they'd win.

'Then, Roy Burridge's dad's dog made the tackle of the match.'

'He couldn't carry on, and the request went out,

'was there a qualified referee on the sidelines who could take over?'

What the bleedin' hell are you playing at?

You see that white line?

As a qualified county official,

once I step over that, my only concern is to adjudicate

without fear or favour,

to bring this match to its lawful and honest conclusion.

WHISTLE

There you go boys, 30 quid apiece.

It would have been a lot more

if they'd been fuckin' platforms, apparently.

In the end, he had to knock 'em out to Micky Dray down the market,

two quid a pair.

-30 quid?

-Don't spend it all at once.

Come on, let's get back to it.

-Spud?

-Go on, just finishing me tea. I'll catch you up.

Here, Alf? You got any more of them Eccles cakes in the back?

I'll have a look.

I want to take one with me.

# Across the evening sky

# All the birds are leaving

# And how can they know

# It's time for them to go? #

Found some.

Spud?

CROWD CHEERS

How much longer? It'll be dark soon!

How do you get ten minutes extra time?

There's only one watch that matters, mate. This one.

That's ours.

Don't do this to me, Baker. 27 years. We need a goal.

Yes, Tom!

-Goal!

-WHISTLE

It was an act of God. The referee's part of the pitch.

I was keeping my eyes open in case there was any offside decisions

I may or may not have to make.

You put it in, you cheating bastard! Come on!

That's it, time's up. No time for a re-start.

WHISTLE

# It's getting near dawn

# The lights close their tired eyes. #

West Greenwich, form a victory circle. West Greenwich!

That's ridiculous.

# I'll give you my dawn surprise. #

'The goal stood and the record books show that, in 1974,

'West Greenwich finally won the Black Cup.'

# When the stars start falling. #

HE ROARS

# I've been waiting so long

# To be where I'm going

# In the sunshine of your love. #

-HE TAPS AT THE DOOR

-Miss Blondel?

Just a minute!

-Hi.

-Mr Glover sent me, Miss. He's asked if the pictures are ready yet?

They're nearly done. Oh, Danny, you look so cute in your football kit.

Do I, Miss?

Yes.

Are you still interested in photography?

-Yeah, I am.

-Well, why don't you come in and

I'll show you how it all works in here.

-Come.

-Er. Yeah.

# They say time will wait for no man

# They say time is on my side

# I can never make my mind up

# Cos it all goes whizzing by

-# From the cradle to the grave

-# From the cradle to the grave

-# I know I won't be a slave. #

-# I know I won't be a slave. #