The Showing Up of Corporal Jones Dad's Army


The Showing Up of Corporal Jones

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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game

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# We are the boys who will make you think again

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# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

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# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

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# So, who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done? #

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'All over Britain, the civilian population is digging for victory.

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'Every square inch of space that can be used for growing food is under cultivation.

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'Nothing is too small.

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'Every ounce of food grown at home means home security.

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'Here are members of the Home Guard working on their allotment.

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'What's this? They've spotted a low-flying enemy plane.

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'A lucky escape for Jerry.

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'Pigeon pie for supper for the boys of the Home Guard.'

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'Here is the Reichssendung, Station Bremen and Station DXB on the 31-metre band.

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'You are about to hear our news in English.

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'The British Ministry of Disinformation...'

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Wilson!

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-SWITCHES RADIO OFF

-It was tuned in like that. It's the vicar's.

-Good heavens!

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-There must be some mistake.

-And his last sermon was seditious.

-Really?

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Hitler across the Channel and he picks The Parting Of The Waves as a subject!

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-We've a Major Regan from Area HQ visiting.

-Yes, sir.

-We're on coastal patrol tonight.

-Yes.

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We're responsible for the area Stone's Amusement Arcade to the Jolly Roger Pier.

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-The pier's the weak spot. We ought to have our best man there. Who's on first?

-Er... Frazer and Godfrey.

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-Ah... Who's the better of the two?

-Normally Godfrey, but he's got this unfortunate bladder trouble.

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-Yes, that's rather risky. Jerry could invade while he had his back turned.

-Quite.

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-Better put Frazer in.

-Right, sir.

-Sir, the uniform tops are here!

-Good news, Wilson.

-Yes.

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-Unpack them!

-I have.

-You shouldn't have! ..WE should have got the pick.

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-Permission to speak, sir?

-Not just now. Fall the men in.

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-They couldn't have come at a better time.

-We won't look like partisans.

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Why have you fell in? I never told you to.

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Fall in!

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-Damn!

-What's the matter, sir?

-I knew we should have got here first.

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-Why?

-They've left me one without buttons.

-Look. Mine are the same.

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-Platoon...

-Permission to speak, sir.

-Not just now, Corporal.

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-Have none of the jackets buttons?

-ALL: No, sir.

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That's why I wanted to speak.

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-They come separate with little ring things that hold them in.

-This won't stop us. We've buttons at home.

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This should bring out the best in our womenfolk.

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I want you back in 45 minutes, by which time I expect to have things buttoned up.

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Nice little joke, sir. Very good.

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# If ever a heart was in the right place... #

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-Platoon ready for inspection, sir.

-Thank you, Corporal.

-Squad, 'shun!

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-Wait a minute. I wasn't quite ready.

-Stand at ease! Squad, 'shun!

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-I wasn't quite ready.

-All right, all right.

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-Soldiers - that's what they look like.

-That's right, sir.

-Soldiers.

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-What's that cap badge, Walker?

-1/6d, sir.

-What?

-You want to kit out the whole mob, it'll cost 14 bob a dozen.

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-What regiment is it?!

-Anything you like - Coldstream Guards, Grenadier Guards...

-Don't you understand?

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-To wear a badge you're not entitled to is an offence.

-No. Bit of a liberty, yeah.

-Walker, take it off.

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It's off my old patrol coat, sir.

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I huvnae worn it since Jutland and the moths got at it.

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Lucky you didn't get woodworm, too.

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Those are rather flamboyant, aren't they, Godfrey?

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My dress studs, sir. All I could manage at the spur of the moment.

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I'm afraid the diamonds aren't real.

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Platoon, stand at ease!

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Men, I'm sure you'll agree this is a great moment - a great step forward towards fighting efficiency.

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And it couldn't have come at a more appropriate time.

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Tonight, we are responsible for a very vulnerable stretch of our beloved land,

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from Stone's Amusement Arcade to the Jolly Roger Pier.

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There's 15 minutes before we move off to our guard post - the Novelty Rock Emporium.

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-The time can be spent in smartening up and checking our weapons. ..Corporal.

-Sir.

-Fall the men out.

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-I think we'd better check our own equipment.

-I quite agree.

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-Sir, I'll bring them bangers in in a minute.

-Thank you.

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-What have we got here, sir?

-Now, then...

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Knife...cosh...knuckle-duster...

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bicycle chain...

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..sandwiches...

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You keep them on, you hear?! Mum, it's a silly colour! Rubbish. Mr Mainwaring won't mind.

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He doesn't look silly, does he?

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Well... Ahem...

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The colour IS a little startling.

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He must have something to keep him warm on coast watch.

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-I made them for the Bunny Babes dancing display. They make lovely Balaclava helmets.

-Lovely.

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I AM glad you think so. I brought one for you.

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-It'll suit you.

-Please!

-And one for you.

-What?

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No, it's very kind, Mrs Pike, but the ears won't go under my helmet.

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-Don't be silly. I'm going to cut the ears off. Try this on.

-No, really!

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-Arthur, put your ears on!

-Must I? It's rather embarrassing.

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-I don't want more of your chest trouble. Last time, you were awake all night coughing.

-All right.

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I'll try it on. It's really appalling, all this.

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I'll just snip those ears off.

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I can't see what I'm doing up there. All get down a bit. ..That's better.

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-Major Regan, sir, from Area Headquarters...

-Good eve...

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Good evening, sir. She was just about to cut our ears off.

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-Well, I really made them for the Bunny Babes.

-She thought they'd make good Balaclava helmets.

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-Pink? With ears on?!

-I'll just run along.

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I'll away and get into my Winnie The Pooh outfit.

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I'm sure they're all very cosy, but pantomime clothes are not very good for discipline.

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Nothing wrong with the discipline here, sir...

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Mr Mainwaring, sorry, I nearly forgot. ..There you go.

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Half a dozen eggs, milk chocolate.

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Sergeant, there's your fags. I'll settle up later.

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-Haven't you forgotten something?

-I'll take your order later.

-Salute your commanding officer!

-Sorry.

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Sorry about that...

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Mainwaring, what's going on here?

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Here we are - 6lb of best sausages.

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There's enough for the whole troop to have a nice fry-up at about two o'clock in the morning.

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-Rank, man!

-I beg your pardon, they were fresh this morn...!

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Perhaps you can explain, Captain?

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We're going on coastal patrol.

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-You look as if you're going on a party.

-These help keep up morale.

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The best way to keep up morale is with discipline and efficiency.

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I'm appointed to inspect training and battle drill in all units in this command, starting with you.

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-You're very welcome, sir. We're proud of our progress.

-Indeed.

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-What sort of things do you want to see?

-The lot -

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aiming and firing, crawling, map reading, first aid...

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Splendid. We're ready any time you like.

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Now?

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Ah... That would be a bit awkward. We're about to go on coastal patrol.

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-Tomorrow morning?

-Wilson and I have to open the bank at 9.30.

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-What about the rest?

-Jones, the butcher, sluices his slab at 8am.

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Not that he's anything on it. Old habits die hard.

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-Frazer, Lock and Wiper, they've got shops, you see.

-Godfrey's retired.

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-You could inspect Godfrey.

-It's his pension morning.

-The evening?

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-Yes, why not?

-At 1800 hours.

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-Mm?

-Six o'clock, sir.

-Oh, yes. Yes. Yes, look forward to that, sir.

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You might get quite a surprise.

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I very much doubt it.

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-I think we'll have to watch him, Wilson.

-Yes.

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His eyes are too close together.

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# If you need a hand in any time Or place, it's yours... #

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-Everything ready?

-As far as it can be.

-I do hope they acquit themselves well.

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-There are gaps in their training.

-While you were planning the grand strategy, I've been teaching them.

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-Major Regan, sir.

-Good evening, sir. Everything's ready.

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No bazaar trading today?

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-Would you like to start the inspection?

-Before they forget their party pieces?

-..Lead the way.

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Squad! Squad, 'shun!

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-May we carry on training?

-Please do.

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Sergeant.

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What's this, current affairs? Stand up! Why aren't you in uniform?

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-I'm the caretaker.

-Get out the way. This is an inspection.

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These men are studying aircraft recognition.

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-Try them out.

-Do all the men learn it?

-Definitely.

-And there's no set piece? ..You, boy.

-Pike.

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-What plane's that?

-Heinkel 111, sir.

-Next diagram.

-That's the only one.

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-What's the good of only identifying a Heinkel 111?

-Usually round here it IS a Heinkel.

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-We asked for more. Your people were unhelpful.

-They're in short supply.

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-I'm not used to being spoken to like that.

-Later...

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-If I tell the vicar, he'll turf you all out.

-There IS a war on.

-That cuts no ice.

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-He's unhappy about church premises used for warlike purposes.

-Later.

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-There was no need to go on at me like that. Blimp!

-Don't be cheeky.

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-Here we're learning map-reading.

-What's this?

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-A church without a steeple.

-Give the map reference.

-18...604...3. It'll be Methodist, I expect.

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-What's that?

-A railway cutting.

-That?

-Water mill.

-And that?

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A wee speck 'o dirt.

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-So it is. Not bad at all. ..You!

-Yes, sir. >

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What's this?

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A map.

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Here, sir, we've got the first-aid section.

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How do you do?

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-How d'you arrest arterial bleeding?

-Tourniquet at the pressure points -

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here, there and there.

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-What about a tourniquet round the throat?

-It kills the patient.

-Eh?

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Better to use the thumb and relieve the pressure every few minutes.

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-Was that what sir had in mind?

-Yes.

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These men are practising unarmed combat.

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He wouldn't come at you like that. Like that! ..Aaggh!

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CRASH

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-That was a liberty. You're lucky I didn't put the boot in.

-Coming along nicely.

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-You didn't have to do that.

-My men are keen. If you value your life, don't trifle with them.

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-Will I fall the men in for a more formal inspection?

-Yes, please do.

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Fall in, three ranks, quick as you can.

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-Bearing Jones in mind, go easy on the drill.

-Right. ..At ease.

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Squad, 'shun!

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Slope arms!

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ALL: One, two, three. One, two, three. One.

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-They were together. How did you manage that?

-They're all taking Jones's time.

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I suppose you're wondering why I'm here.

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The Home Guard has got to be made into an efficient fighting unit.

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No room for mummy's darlings, slackers, spivs or elderly gents.

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-How old are you?

-58... 59... 60.

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House!

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Sixty, eh? You've got a lot of medal ribbons. What are they? I don't recognise them.

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Bit before your time, I expect. I'll show you. Do you mind holding that, sir?

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There we are - one, two, three, four, five, six general service medals.

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Seven - that's the Egyptian Campaign, 1884 to '85.

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And eight - that's the Cadif Star, sir.

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-What's number nine for?

-Trying to relieve General Gordon, sir.

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-You must have been very young.

-Well, I didn't have my stripe.

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-Hardly surprising. You'd be six.

-Oh.

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I might have dropped a year or two, but I'm fit. I can still get the cold steel in there.

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See?

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Ha! ..Oh, ain't got it. Oh, you've got it, sir. ..Thank you.

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-I don't suppose you've fired it?

-BANG! I have now, sir.

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Well, let's see some of this fighting spirit. Order arms!

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ALL: One, two, three. One, two, three. One.

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Fix bayonets!

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I think they gave me the wrong one.

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-Mind where you point that!

-Sorry.

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-He's a shambles.

-I think you're making him nervous.

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I don't like nervous soldiers. ..Right. Let's see how good you are at bayonet fighting.

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-Frazer, Walker, Pike, over here.

-No, I want to see you two and you.

-Yes, sir.

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-Do you see that target?

-Yes.

-CHARGE!

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Oooh...

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-Not bad, Godfrey.

-Fine when you're fighting bags of straw.

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But I want to see more GUTS. ..You, CHARGE!

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Ya-a-a-a-a agggghhhh ya-a-h-h-h, ya bastard Nazi!

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-I'm sorry, sir, I swore.

-You thought you were doing that to a Nazi, eh?

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Oh, no, sir. Just to somebody I don't like.

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-Corporal, that's a Nazi. See what you can do to him.

-Yes, sir.

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You dirty heathen swine. You looters, rapers, ravishers, despoilers of womanhood.

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-Wahh-h-h...

-Charge.

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Me glasses have got a bit steamed up, sir.

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-Care to see some grenade drill, sir?

-No, thank you.

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-And the rules of aiming?

-Tip of the blade of foresight in the centre of the rear sight, in line with target!

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-Good!

-Well done, Pike.

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-You, what are the rules of aiming?

-He just told you, sir.

-YOU tell me.

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Keep... K-Keep the foresight... i-in line with the...

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-No, that's not it. Keep the...

-I've heard all I want to hear.

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-Mainwaring...

-And keep the...

-Carry on.

-That's very rude! I was talking.

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-That man is making your platoon look ridiculous.

-He's keen - a good example to the youngsters.

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He's a potential danger. He's not physically up to it.

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-Well, I should hate to lose him.

-You may have to.

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-Isn't that up to us?

-Not necessarily. I'll make my report to the Area Commander.

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You've got a long way to go, but you've done well. Congratulations.

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-Good show.

-Thank you very much, sir.

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# There'll always be an England While there's a country lane... #

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There's no doubt - we acquitted ourselves magnificently.

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I must say, I was really awfully pleased.

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No one man can take the credit, but it makes my hard work worthwhile.

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-I can't help wondering who was the most surprised, Major Regan or you.

-Why do you always spoil everything?

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You can go.

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Rotten bastard!

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-I beg your pardon?

-The swine!

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We've had our differences, but please don't use beastly language.

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-Listen to this.

-What's that?

-From GHQ.

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"In view of the fact Lance Corporal Jones' records show he is overage,

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-"we feel he should stand down." It's that Major Regan.

-Yes.

-He couldn't fault us for anything else.

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Just a minute. There's more here.

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"However, in view of your strong personal views and Corporal Jones having such a distinguished record,

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"Major Regan has suggested that if Jones can complete the divisional assault course in 15 minutes,

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-"he should be allowed to remain with the platoon during the present period of emergency."

-15 minutes!

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-That's steep.

-The infantry only have ten.

-He'd never do it. Regan wants him to make a fool of himself.

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-Well, one of us is going to have to tell him.

-Yes, sir.

0:19:180:19:23

Hello, gentlemen.

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I saw you come across, so I thought I'd pop over.

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-There - 1 lb of steak for you, Mr Mainwaring. ..And 1 lb for you.

-Thank you.

-Thank you, Jones.

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We showed him, didn't we?

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-Sit down, Jones.

-Yes, sit down.

-Thank you, sir.

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-I'll get it.

-It's all right.

-No, no. Make yourself comfortable.

-Thanks very much.

0:19:440:19:51

-I've got something to tell you.

-I'm getting my second stripe?

-Well, not exactly...

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I've had a letter from GHQ and they feel that...

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-Well, the fact is...

-Yes, sir?

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They feel that you're overage.

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Overage?

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I'm only 70!

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That's just the point. They feel that 70 IS overage.

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That's not fair. I can do anything the other blokes can do.

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I bet it's that snooty major.

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I only wish I had him registered with me for meat.

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He'd get it, but I'd cut it off of gristle. I do that sometimes, you know, when I don't like 'em.

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I sit at me Sunday lunch thinking of them chewing the gristle.

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I'm sorry, Jones. They want you to stand down.

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..Stand down?

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-There must be something we can do.

-What about the test?

-I don't know.

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-What test is that?

-To go over the assault course in 15 minutes.

-Ah-ha! That'd be a bit of cake.

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-I really don't think you could manage it.

-Of course I'll manage it. I'll show 'em!

0:21:090:21:15

I tell you what, sir, after parade tonight, we'll go down the assault course.

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I'll go through that assault course just like a dose of... We'll show 'em, sir.

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They don't call me Up 'Em Jones for nothing.

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# Singing a song For the old folks... #

0:21:330:21:38

-15 minutes.

-Stopwatch at the ready.

-Do better with a grandfather clock. I heard that!

0:21:380:21:46

-Sergeant Wilson and I'll accompany you round the course.

-Sir.

-But before you start, here's a message.

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-I can only give it to you once and you've to repeat it to us when you return.

-Yes, sir.

0:21:530:21:59

-The enemy's on the run. Send reinforcements. I am going to advance.

-Advance.

-Got it?

-Yes, sir.

0:21:590:22:05

All right. Stand by.

0:22:050:22:08

-PEEP-PEEP

-Off you go.

-Ahhhh!

0:22:080:22:12

Oh...

0:22:130:22:15

-Come on - give him a hand.

-Help him up.

0:22:160:22:21

Wait a minute. ..Hup!

0:22:210:22:23

Up he goes. He CAN'T get up. He's stuck. He's got his boot in Walker's pocket.

0:22:230:22:30

-Don't just stand there!

-Go on. Get up there!

0:22:300:22:34

Up you go. Well done.

0:22:340:22:37

-Well done, Jones. Very good.

-Oh, he's left his rifle.

-Oh, Lord!

-Jones, you left your rifle behind!

0:22:370:22:44

Do you hear me?! Jones! Jones!

0:22:440:22:47

YOU LEFT YOUR...

0:22:470:22:52

-rifle behind.

-Sorry, sir.

0:22:490:22:52

-Right, sir. ..Agghhh!

-We'll take that as done.

0:22:520:22:56

-Come on, quickly.

-Round here. A lovely piece of tarpaulin here.

0:22:560:23:02

-Quick as you can.

-On you go, Jones.

-Right, sir.

-Underneath, quick!

0:23:020:23:07

-Get a move on.

-Quick as you can.

0:23:070:23:09

-Do you think he should do this, sir, at his time of life?

-He's all right.

0:23:090:23:14

Keep going, Jones.

0:23:140:23:16

Keep it up, Jones.

0:23:180:23:20

All right, Jones?

0:23:200:23:23

Where is he? ..Just a minute. Lance Corporal Jones, are you there?

0:23:260:23:31

-He's disappeared, sir.

-He can't have disappeared!

-He has.

0:23:310:23:36

-Go in and find him.

-Don't you think it would have more authority coming from you? ..Oh, Lord!

0:23:360:23:43

Would you hold the tarpaulin up?

0:23:430:23:45

Jones! Jones, where are you?

0:23:450:23:48

Jones!

0:23:480:23:50

Are you all right?

0:23:500:23:52

Jones! Jones, where are you?!

0:23:520:23:56

Jones! Are you all right, Jones?!

0:23:560:23:59

-What on Earth's happening down there, Wilson?

-I can't find him.

-Jones!

0:23:590:24:05

-Jones!

-Jones! Answer me at once.

0:24:050:24:10

What's he doin' down there?

0:24:070:24:10

He's looking for Jones, of course...

0:24:100:24:12

# Singing a song for the old folks... #

0:24:120:24:17

Any sign? No. How long's he been gone?

0:24:170:24:22

Two hours and 15 minutes.

0:24:220:24:24

If he can cut two hours off his time.

0:24:240:24:27

I hope nothing's happened to him. Mr Mainwaring!

0:24:270:24:32

We all know he doesn't stand an earthly chance in the test tomorrow.

0:24:320:24:37

It's hopeless. It's a pity to lose him.

0:24:370:24:41

What about it, Joe? What're you all looking at me for?

0:24:410:24:45

We thought you might be able to help.

0:24:450:24:48

I can nobble greyhounds, but that's a different caper.

0:24:480:24:52

I can't make him run faster. I can't doctor his oats.

0:24:520:24:57

I...

0:24:570:24:59

Wait a minute. I've got an idea.

0:24:590:25:02

# Wishing will make it all... #

0:25:020:25:06

Sporting of you, Lance Corporal. Thank you, sir.

0:25:060:25:11

-Once an old campaigner, always an old campaigner. ..Eh, Major?

-He's OLD all right. Where's your helmet?

0:25:110:25:18

-Nobody said nothing about a helmet.

-Sergeant, give him yours.

0:25:180:25:23

Often that's the straw that breaks the camel's back. ..Now we won't have trouble spotting you.

0:25:230:25:30

-I'll give you the message, then off you go. You've 15 minutes.

-Yes, sir.

0:25:300:25:36

Send the following ammunition at once - 50,000 rounds of .303,

0:25:360:25:42

33,000 of .300, 46 Mills grenades,

0:25:420:25:45

200 3.7 shells and 275 pull-throughs.

0:25:450:25:51

-Is that all, sir?

-That's all.

0:25:510:25:53

-Right, sir.

-Just a minute!

0:25:530:25:56

-Now, stand by.

-Sir.

-..Go!

-PEEP

0:25:560:25:59

-Oh! Ah!

-Oh, he's fainting!

0:25:590:26:04

-Out of my way, you fools. I can't see.

-Ay, ay. That was quick!

0:26:130:26:18

Yes, very quick...

0:26:180:26:21

# Good morning, good morning We've danced the whole night through

0:26:210:26:26

# Good morning, good morning to you

0:26:260:26:29

# Good morning, good morning It's great to stay up late

0:26:290:26:35

# Good morning, good morning to you

0:26:350:26:38

# When the band began to play The stars were shining bright

0:26:380:26:43

# Now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say good night

0:26:430:26:48

# So, good morning, good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through

0:26:480:26:53

# Good morning, good morning to you

0:26:530:26:55

# Here we are together A couple of stayer-uppers

0:26:580:27:03

# Our day is done at breakfast... #

0:27:030:27:06

By Jove, he's showed some spirit!

0:27:060:27:08

# Here we are together but the best of friends must part

0:27:080:27:13

# So let me sing this parting song from the bottom of my heart

0:27:130:27:19

# Good morning, good morning

0:27:190:27:22

# We've danced the whole night through

0:27:220:27:24

# Good morning, good morning to you

0:27:240:27:28

# Good morning, good morning It's great to stay up late

0:27:280:27:33

# Good morning, good morning to you

0:27:330:27:36

# When the band began to play the stars were shining bright

0:27:380:27:43

# Now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say good night

0:27:430:27:48

# So, good morning, good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through

0:27:480:27:53

# Good morning Good morning to you... #

0:27:530:27:58

-Well done, Jones!

-The message, man, the message!

0:27:580:28:03

Send the following ammunition at once - 50,000 rounds of .303, comma, 33,000 rounds of .300,

0:28:030:28:11

46 Mills grenades, 200 3.7 shells and 275 pull-throughs.

0:28:110:28:15

Amazing!

0:28:150:28:17

If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I'd never have believed it. Neither would I.

0:28:170:28:23

-What was his time, Major?

-13 minutes.

-Fantastic!

0:28:230:28:27

We don't need to worry any more about you, Jones. ..Carry on.

0:28:270:28:32

Well done, Jones. I'm very proud.

0:28:320:28:35

Just a minute. There's something fishy going on here. I mean to get to the bottom of it.

0:28:350:28:42

All right, sir?

0:28:460:28:48

Oh!!

0:28:500:28:52

He's gone, too.

0:28:530:28:55

Well, you always said his eyes were too close together, sir.

0:28:550:28:59

Subtitles by Carolyn Donaldson BBC Scotland 1998

0:29:450:29:49

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