Shooting Pains Dad's Army


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Shooting Pains

Classic wartime sitcom. The crew use their rifles and their wits to compete for the honour of guarding a VIP.


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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game

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# We are the boys who will make you think again

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# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

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# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done? #

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'..the enemy is throwing everything he's got into the fray.

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'Britain's Home Guard, jeeringly referred to as "the broomstick army" by Dr Goebbels, is now fully armed.

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'And if Mr Hitler DOES put his foot on our doorstep,

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'the so-called broomstick army will make a clean sweep of him!

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HE WHISTLES

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'Every moment of spare time away from their civilian jobs is taken up with this one thought...

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'In the words of Herbert Morrison, "Go to it!"

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'Loss of sleep is no obstacle to these men.

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'After being up all night on manoeuvres, they go straight to their offices and factories.'

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See ya tonight!

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Ah-ha! Just as I thought. KNOCK ON DOOR

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Come in.

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Ah!

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Wilson! Yes, sir? Remember what I tell the men about advancing in extended order?

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Yes. Now, if I fire this gun,

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it knocks down the first man and he knocks all the rest down. Yes.

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If that was a machine gun, the whole platoon would be mown down. Yes. Now watch.

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Oh.

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You get the general idea?

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Here are the weekly orders from GHQ, sir.

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Your copy. Thank you.

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I'll put it over with my map case, then it won't get misplaced. Yes.

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Are you all right? Perfectly all right, thank you. Oh.

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What do you think of that, eh?

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Very good, sir. My wife's idea. Oh? Quick draw...

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Very good. But isn't it a bit unorthodox?

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Wilson, you have a Blimp mentality. Of course it's unorthodox.

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You can't get into a rut. You've got to be flexible. Yes, sir.

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Where's my coffee? I like it at 10.30 every morning! I'll go...

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It's no good. I'll have to take this thing off.

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I can't sit comfortably.

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Better keep it handy, though. Oh, I quite agree, sir.

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Now, will we have a good turnout for target practice on Saturday? I hope so.

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I was ashamed of our shooting last week.

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Some of them didn't do too badly. How could they possibly mistake

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the tyres on the area commander's car for the target?

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All four?! Five. They got the spare as well.

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He parked too near! Ask Miss King to bring in my coffee, please.

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Yes. Miss King, would you bring in Mr Mainwaring's coffee, please?

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I say. Sir? Have you read this, Wilson? No.

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"The Prime Minister will inspect coastal defences.

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"For security reasons, date and time will not be released until the last minute.

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"You have been chosen to act as the guard of honour"! Wonderful news.

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Real leadership will always be recognised. Yes.

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It says that we have been chosen because we were the first platoon

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to be formed in the area. That'll be all!

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Pity he has no imagination. Still, I shouldn't be too harsh.

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Some are born to lead, some are born to be led.

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Unorthodox, indeed!

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BANG!

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During the PM's inspection of coastal defences,

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we have been chosen to act as guard of honour.

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Marvellous!

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Now that ammunition is more plentiful, we're going to have target practice on Saturday.

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Major Regan will be with us.

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Thought we'd got rid of that basket!

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Any man who can't attend on Saturday, take one pace forward.

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Why can't you come, Walker? I've got me stall on the market on Saturdays.

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Pike? I'm playing football, sir.

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Frazer? Fishin'.

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You were fishing LAST Saturday. Didnae catch anything.

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How about you, Godfrey? Have to go to the clinic, sir.

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Corporal? My dad's coming to tea.

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I don't like this, men. This is the first time you've shown anything but 100% keenness.

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Let me assure you that Major Regan has our best interests at heart.

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Permission to speak, sir! Yes?

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He ain't got MY best interests at heart... That's enough. He said... Quiet!

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I intend to ignore what has just happened. I shall expect a full turnout on Saturday. Understood?

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Sir! That's better.

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Fine body of men, aren't they? Yes. Awfully nice.

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Platoon, atten-shun!

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Very good. Very smart.

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When the Prime Minister walks down your ranks, I want him to be able to say,

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"Of such stuff as this are Britons made."

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MUSIC: "We're Off To See The Wizard" from The Wizard Of Oz

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Guards, halt! Good afternoon, Captain.

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Afternoon, sir. Left turn!

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So sorry. Would you mind just putting your rifles down...? Orders arms!

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First platoon, B company Home Guard reporting for target practice, sir.

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Stand them at ease, Sergeant. At ease! Stand...eh...easy.

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Four men will go to look after the targets. All right? Yes. Carry on, Sergeant. Fall out the markers.

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Follow me.

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Squad, 'shun!

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For inspection, port arms!

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All right, sir? Your thumb, man.

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Sorry? Where is your thumb?!

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When you port arms for inspection, you put your thumb like that.

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Owwww! All right, sir?

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# Home, home on the range... #

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PHONE RINGS All right, all right, I'm coming!

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Lance Corporal Jones, here.

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Ready to start firing, Jonesey? Yes. Bye-bye, Mr Wilson! Bye-bye, Jonesey!

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They're gonna start firing.

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Pikey, get hold of that flag.

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Every time you hear a shot, wave it.

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What's that mean? They've missed!

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If we don't look at the target, how do we know? They'll miss!

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I'm going to fire a few rounds so that you'll get the idea.

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All right. Blow the whistle. WHISTLE BLOWS

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Someone shot the top off me flag!

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They must be improving!

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PHONE RINGS

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Lance Corporal Jones. What's going on? I've never missed a target!

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Sorry, sir. Is that YOU firing? Of course. I'm coming down.

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Yes, sir. ..Hey-up, he's coming down.

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That was the major firing. Will I get into trouble? Nah! We'll say it was Jonesey!

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What are we gonna do? Don't panic! Don't panic! We're not panicking!

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What's going on? Get that target down. Sir!

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Corporal, what does that look like?

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A hole, sir. And you? Oh, yeah. Definitely holes.

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THEY ALL AGREE

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Captain? I'd say they were holes.

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I'm glad you cleared that up.

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Now, listen, you lot. Get a hold of yourself! You're SLOPPY!

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Look at this place. Tidy it up.

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Get a grip of yourselves. Come along. For heaven's sake... At the double!

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How were we to know that he'd be first to do the firing?

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That major's a crack shot. He shot at Bisley. Did he kill him?

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No. He did it to frighten him(!) PHONE RINGS

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Jack Jones the butcher. I mean...Lance Corporal Jones.

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'Are you ready down there?' Yes, sir. Ready, madam... Uh...sir!

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We've got to do it properly this time. OK!

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Next!

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Next. Well done, Godfrey.

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A seasoned man, sir. You've each fired five rounds and the results are sloppy.

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I'm sure Captain Mainwaring and Sgt Wilson want to fire a few shots.

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No, no. That's quite all right, sir. Come now! Don't be modest.

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That's a pretty holster you're wearing. Why is it so low down?

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Makes him quicker on the draw, sir.

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You've been watching too many cowboy films. When did you last fire it? I haven't. Not intentionally.

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No time like the present. Wilson, tell them to put the dummy up. Put the dummy up.

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Yeah. Righto. Wilco.

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They want you to put the dummy up. Mr Mainwaring's gonna fire. Dummy up...

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You haul it up.

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Ready, Captain? Raise your revolver slowly, keeping your arm straight and squeeze the trigger.

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I haven't told you to fire it yet!

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It went off, sir. I didn't realise it had such a kick.

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Of course it has. It's not a water pistol. What are YOU smiling at? You're next.

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Five rounds...rapid...fire!

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Was I on the target, sir? You didn't get it on the bloody range!

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Carry on, sir. See what you can do.

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This Thompson sub-machine-gun will be issued to your platoon shortly.

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You can fire it from the shoulder or from the hip. Start with the hip.

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All right, Sergeant? Yes. Grip it like that. Yes.

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Pistol grip, that's right. Tell them to take the dummy down. Dummy down!

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Nice, firm grip. Yes.

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Left elbow well into your side. Now cock it.

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Take your right hand off the grip and pull back the bolt. Yes. Go on!

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Terribly stiff, isn't it?

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Now it's ready to fire.

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These guns tend to pull to the right and up, so I'll brace myself against you

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to, sort of, keep you firm. Yes.

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Another thing, half-empty cartridges spew out all over the place, so watch your face. Oh?

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Got all that? Yes.

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Stand by. Standing by. FIRE!

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RAPID GUNFIRE

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It's all right now. It's all over.

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Sergeant!

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Exciting, wasn't it? If you like that sort of thing.

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No need to snatch it like that. Don't snatch!

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I'll show you. Tell them to put up the dummy. Put up the dummy!

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Yes, right, sir.

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I wish they'd make up their minds. Stick it up, stick it down! Get the dummy.

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Come on.

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GUNFIRE

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Oh, blimey! Jonesey!

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Are you all right, mate?

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Blimey! Talk about, "Tear round the dotted line"!

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Hello, Mrs Pike. Hello, Jonesey.

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Just what the doctor ordered, that is. Get stuck in, lads.

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Where's Arthur and Mr Mainwaring? They're coming now, Mum.

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Don't start till they get here!

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Lord! What's the matter?

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Al Capone here has had a shattering experience.

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What unnerved me most, if you don't mind my saying, was your imitation of Billy the Kid.

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Never mind, Arthur, have one of my rock cakes.

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Don't worry about the men not being able to shoot right, as long as they can fix bayonets and charge.

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The Hun doesn't like it up him. As soon as you get the cold steel... Yes, quite.

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Your fighting spirit is an example to us all.

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I'm not worried about myself, but after this afternoon's tebacle, the men's moroll is shattered.

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If the "moroll" is as firm as Mrs Pike's rock cakes, we're fine. ..Sorry!

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I think it's only fair to say that our shooting today wouldn't have killed many Nazis.

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On the other hand, it would have made them keep their heads down!

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All we need is more practice.

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Then, if Hitler comes knocking, he'll find us very much at home. KNOCKING

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See who that is, Corporal.

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Mainwaring, I want to talk to you. Over here. On the double!

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Don't you salute a superior officer in the Home Guard? Yes, sir.

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You can forget about being guard of honour for the PM's visit.

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I told the area commander what a sloppy lot you are.

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I protest... You're getting a second chance.

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Tomorrow there will be a shooting contest. Pick your three best shots.

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Have them on the range tomorrow at 13.00 hours. Any questions?

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Eh...just one, sir. (13.00 hours?) One o'clock.

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No questions. Right. Carry on.

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We can't be ready by tomorrow! It's only against three best shots.

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Pike's the only one who's got any idea. Frazer says he can manage.

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We haven't even seen him shoot. It IS a bit grim. Hopeless!

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There isn't even any tea left. Would you like me to make some fresh? No, thank you.

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You two look as if you've been stuck against a wall to be shot!

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If our platoon were shooting, they'd be fine!

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That's not amusing.

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I've got an idea. I normally go down the Hippodrome on a Saturday night - little orders for the artists.

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Why don't we all make up a party?

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I can do my bit of business in the interval. Lovely!

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Charlie Cheeseman's top of the bill. I love him! He makes me laugh. What about you, Arthur?

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Mmm.

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He'd make you laugh, Arthur. And you. He'll make you laugh your heads off!

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'A big woman, my wife. Big woman.'

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She weighs 18 stone. That's with her eyebrows plucked and her ears pierced.

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I have to put a bookmark in to remember where her mouth is!

0:19:110:19:16

'We were having our supper. Nice bit of cod, plenty of chips.'

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All of a sudden, Lord Haw-Haw comes on the wireless.

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He said, "This is Germany calling. Everyone in England is starving."

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I looked at the wife. "Somebody's telling a lie!"

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Now a little number entitled, "I can't get over a girl like you,

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"so turn out the lights yourself"! Thank you!

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Isn't he a scream? Y-Yes. Don't YOU think he's a scream, Mr Mainwaring?

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Yes. A perfect scream(!)

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You know, I love the smell of a good cigar, Joe.

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I don't think this was a very good idea. No, I don't think it was. SONG ENDS

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APPLAUSE

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And now, direct from South America, the crackshot of the pampas, Miss Laura la Plaz!

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CHEERS AND WHISTLING

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I gotta nip out. See you after the interval.

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Don't go away, darlin'.

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I couldn't understand your telephone conversation! Walker has an idea to help us win today.

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Bribe the major?!

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Mr Mainwaring. Yes? I havenae had the chance to tell ye, but...

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Morning! May I introduce Laura la Plaz!

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Morning, gentlemen! Where shall I start?

0:21:280:21:31

Have you gone mad?!

0:21:320:21:35

No, no, sir. She's a ballistics expert. I can well believe it.

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She knows all about it. She's gonna have a go with us on the range this afternoon.

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Young woman, cover yourself up and go home.

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What were you saying, Frazer? Eh? Sorry, sir. Something seems to have driven it out of my head.

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I ain't going home. What about my silk stockings? All right, darlin'.

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You don't understand, sir.

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She's the crack shot from last night. She's gonna shoot for us.

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We'll never get away with this. It's dishonest! We'll make her look like a soldier.

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We'd never get away with it. I agree. We'll be court-martialled. Yes. I never even liked the act.

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Don't keep staring at the girl.

0:22:300:22:32

Excuse me, gentlemen.

0:22:320:22:35

Try on the boots. All right.

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Ain't you got anything smaller?

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No. That's all we've got.

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What about her barnet? Don't worry. I got it all worked out.

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Tuck it up. There you go.

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There. Right up.

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What about that, sir?

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Ridiculous!

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She still looks like a girl to me! How would YOU remember?

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Anyway, we're not finished yet.

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Grab hold of that, darlin'.

0:23:130:23:16

Where did you get the 'tache from? You wanna know everything!

0:23:160:23:21

How's that? Transformation!

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Squad, 'shun!

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Stick your chest out.

0:23:280:23:31

I don't think it's gonna work. Don't get disheartened too soon. Right turn!

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By the left, quick march!

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Left! Left, right, left!

0:23:460:23:49

Take those ridiculous clothes off and... Good morning, Captain.

0:23:490:23:54

Ready for this afternoon's shoot?

0:23:540:23:56

My God! What's that?

0:23:580:24:00

A new recruit, sir. He's gonna shoot for us.

0:24:020:24:06

A bit puny! How can he shoot with those pebble glasses on?

0:24:110:24:16

He's very long-sighted. He takes them off to shoot. What's his name? What's his name?

0:24:160:24:22

Eh...Padaruski. Can't he speak for himself?

0:24:220:24:27

He's Polish! Polish cavalry. He's so short because he was a jockey.

0:24:270:24:32

Glad to have you with us.

0:24:320:24:35

Mainwaring, did you see that diamond ring?

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He's a bit pansy, isn't he?

0:24:460:24:49

I haven't known him very long, sir.

0:24:500:24:53

I see. Watch him.

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I shall be there to see that everything is above board this afternoon.

0:24:560:25:03

Should be an interesting afternoon!

0:25:070:25:10

Very.

0:25:100:25:12

Well done. Well done, Pike.

0:25:220:25:25

One more to go.

0:25:250:25:28

What did you do that for? I saw Gary Cooper do it in a film.

0:25:310:25:36

I saw that. It worked well for Gary Cooper.

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BANG!

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Hasn't worked awfully well for Pike(!)

0:25:420:25:46

Let's see what number two can do.

0:25:460:25:48

Right. Private...eh...Shostakovich.

0:25:480:25:51

I thought you said his name was Padaruski? What? ..Oh, yes. Padaruski Shostakovich.

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Poles have very long names. Carry on.

0:25:580:26:01

Bull!

0:26:050:26:06

What are you doing?!

0:26:060:26:09

Can I have my mirror? No! Hurry up!

0:26:140:26:17

BANG!

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MAJOR: Not so good. That puts you four points down. Next man.

0:26:310:26:36

Frazer. Aye, sir.

0:26:360:26:39

What's the matter? You're supposed to be a crack shot. We should have had clay pipes for targets(!)

0:26:390:26:46

The first was a bull. Cos it was normal.

0:26:460:26:50

"Normal"? My routine. One normal...

0:26:500:26:53

one upside down, one between me legs and one with a mirror.

0:26:530:26:58

Why can't you do it lying down? I can't get near enough to the ground, can I?

0:26:580:27:04

Mr Mainwaring! Mr Frazer got two bulls!

0:27:040:27:08

Bullseye!

0:27:120:27:14

Steady. Steady, Frazer. It's all right, sir. I was in minesweepers during the war.

0:27:150:27:22

I used to pick off the mines.

0:27:220:27:25

MAJOR: Bullseye!

0:27:250:27:27

What are you waving it about like that for?

0:27:280:27:32

It's the only way I can shoot, sir. This is the motion of the sea.

0:27:320:27:37

Do it any way you like, but remember, we only need one more bull to win.

0:27:370:27:43

Bull!

0:27:450:27:47

CHEERING

0:27:470:27:49

You never told us you were a crack shot. You never asked me.

0:27:520:27:57

You stood there while we tried to make that girl look like a man and never said anything?!

0:27:570:28:05

Well, when the lassie began to take her clothes off, the words stuck in my throat!

0:28:050:28:12

First platoon B Company Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard,

0:28:140:28:20

present...arms!

0:28:200:28:22

# There'll always be an England... #

0:28:290:28:33

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:29:130:29:17

To break someone physically... MAN YELLS

0:29:410:29:43

..is not a problem.

0:29:430:29:45

But we will see how you are strong psychologically.

0:29:450:29:49

# Everybody hurts... #

0:29:490:29:52