Operation Kilt Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again

# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21

# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done? #

ALL-CLEAR SIREN WAILS

Ah, there you are, sir.

You left the bank a bit early.

-Yes, I had a lot of paperwork to do.

-Yes, so I see.

I've finished it now.

-I wondered why you left by the back door.

-Any reason why I shouldn't?

Not at all, sir, but as you went out the back door,

-Mr Greening from Head Office came in the front.

-Really? What did he want?

He took rather a dim view

about all those Ministry posters in the bank.

-Doesn't he know there's a war on?

-He thinks they clash with our posters.

Underneath a poster which says, "Let us invest your money",

your one says, "Trust no-one. Careless talk costs lives."

Just an unfortunate coincidence.

You also put, "Don't be a squanderbug like me"

under the portrait of the bank's founder.

-I can't be bothered with this rubbish.

-TERRIFIC CLATTER

Some fool set a booby trap up there, sir.

I did, Corporal.

Good idea, sir. Good idea.

Ooh, thank you.

-What is it you wanted?

-I want to be the first with the good news.

Meat ration's gone up, sir, from 1s 10d to 2s 2d.

Thank you. That's a great comfort.

But butter's gone down to 2oz.

But you can still have 8oz of fat ration, though.

You have 6oz of marge and 2 of butter,

or 4oz of marge, two of cooking fat, two of butter.

Or you can have 4oz of cooking fat and four of marge.

Or you can have 3oz of cooking fat and two of butter.

Or you can have 4oz of cooking fat, 4oz of marge and...

Or you can have 8oz of marge, if you like.

Thank you, Jones. Very nice of you.

This came for you, sir, at the bank, shortly after you'd left.

You could have six of cooking fat...

Yes, all right, thank you, Jones.

Listen. "All Home Guard units will do 15 minutes PT before parade."

-That'll get rid of the excess fat.

-You can't have any excess fat...

-We start tonight.

-Who's going to take us?

-I am.

The instructions are here. Corporal, parade the men outside.

Nothing like fresh air for PT. Corporal, tell the men to strip off.

-I beg your pardon, sir?

-Strip off.

-Certainly, sir.

-Not in here!

-No, no. Get out!

-The men, Jones. Tell the men! The men!

Captain Ogilvy of the Highland Regiment is due at 1930 hours

to brief us about Saturday night's manoeuvres.

-1900?

-1930, sir, yes.

-That'll be about...

Seven-thirty, sir.

Yes, yes, I know. It's only six-thirty. Plenty of time.

You don't know anything about PT, sir.

When we took arms, there was a lot we didn't know anything about.

-I've never let you down, have I?

-Well...

All right, that'll be all. Parade outside.

Right, this is an order! Captain Mainwaring wants you to strip off.

-Strip off?! For what?

-He's taking us in PT.

It's only his clothes that's keeping him from falling apart.

I'm not stripping off. Not in this draughty yard. People can see us.

-Listen, Joe, I don't want any insubordination.

-Watch it. Watch it.

Platoon, ten-shun!

Why aren't the men ready, Corporal?

Well, sir... I'm ready, sir.

-Stand them at ease, Sergeant.

-Platoon, stand at ease.

If we're going to beat the Hun, we've got to be fit in every way.

Clean bodies and clean minds.

I never ask you to do anything I wouldn't do,

so we all strip off together.

-Permission to speak, sir?

-Yes, Corporal?

-Could we strip off inside?

-Certainly not.

If you're cold, start running on the spot. Right. Strip.

Hello, I can see your naval, Taff.

No laughing matter. That cost me a lot of money, that did.

Here, what's this one? Football results.

"Scotland four..."

"Scotland for ever", you ignorant Sassenach.

Excuse me, sir.

Do you require me to remove my binder, sir?

-Oh, Godfrey!

-Remove your what?

My binder, sir. Do you wish me to take it off?

Yes, yes, take it off.

Sir, would you be kind enough to hold this pin?

Keep it on! We'll be here all day!

-Look at those hairy chests!

-Who said that?

-Those boys in the church yard.

-Tell them to clear off.

Yes. Clear off! Clear off, you...boys.

Why aren't you taking your clothes off as well?

Yes, why... Now, go away!

-You wouldn't laugh if the Nazis were here!

-No, but the Nazis would!

Go on or I'll clear the yard!

All right, baldy, keep your shirt on!

Speak to Mrs Bickworth. Keep that ginger one in after school.

-Now, men...

-I'm sorry to interrupt...

-Why have you got your clothes off?

-Mavis, we're busy.

-Mrs Pike, we're doing PT.

-Oh. Evening, Mr Jones.

Evening, Mrs Pike.

Don't let Frank stand around like that too long with his chest.

-He'll soon warm up.

-Why have you got your tunic on?

Yes, why have you?

I don't think it would be very good for discipline.

It's a bit embarrassing, sir, but I've got a nasty...hole in my vest.

You didn't put that vest on! I told you to leave it out for me to mend.

-Mavis, please, not so loud.

-Take the tunic and vest off together.

You've got nothing to be ashamed of with your body, Arthur.

He's got a lovely physique when he strips off.

Oh, Mavis, please! Please!

Arthur!

-Take that vest off.

-It's a bit chilly out here.

Do stop showing me up! Put your hand over it.

What do you want, Mrs Pike?

I nearly forgot.

I think this is part of Frank's gun. Is it important?

Yes, Mrs Pike, it is. Very important.

-What's this, Pike?

-A rifle bolt, sir.

I know what it is, you stupid boy!

-It belongs to your rifle.

-I left it out while I was cleaning my gun.

I'm afraid I washed it up with the tea things.

Anyhow, no harm's done. I must be off now.

Don't let him stand around without his jacket on too long.

I'll speak to you later. Now get hold of it and don't lose it.

Now, perhaps we can start.

All right, stop now, Corporal. Feeling warmer?

Yes, sir. Dizzy but warmer, sir.

See that he doesn't keel over, Walker.

Right, have you got the manual?

Right, here we are. "Deep breathing."

"Hands on hips and chest out."

"Breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth." Got it?

Right. Deep breathing... Godfrey. Godfrey.

-Sir?

-Both hands on the hips.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

Oi! What's that funny smell?

It's fresh air.

Out.

-Right, stand to attention.

-Aaah.

Corporal! Corporal! We've finished that.

"Jumping astride with feet and arms at the same time." Like this.

-Shall I hold the manual for you?

-That's a very good idea.

Jumping astride...commence!

Keep it still, Sergeant.

Don't jog it up and down. I can't read it.

It's not the book jogging up and down, it's you.

Platoon, halt!

-I bet you feel better for that.

-WALKER: Much better, sir.

-What's next?

-Next, sir... Press-ups are next, sir.

Oh. All right.

On the floor. On the ground. Down.

Face down.

On the command "one", raise yourselves on your arms and hold it.

On the command "two", lower yourselves to the ground.

Right. One.

Can I help you, sir?

Two.

One.

Two.

-One.

-All right! All right!

All right, all up.

It's circumrotary trunk movements next, sir.

Let the men get their breath back.

Some of them are not used to this sort of thing.

Jones...

Jones! What are you doing down there? Get up.

Sorry, sir, I must have dozed off.

-Circumrotary trunk movements.

-I'll decide.

-It's all that flipping up and down.

-Yes, all right, Corporal.

We'll finish off simply by touching toes ten...five...four times.

Right. Arms above the head.

Right.

-Oh! Oh!

-Are you all right, sir?

-It's lumbago. I'm stuck.

-Jones, get a chair.

-Shall I get a doctor?

-Oh, no, no. Quickly.

-You just sit down quietly in this chair.

-Arrrggh!

-I'll get some brown paper and a hot iron.

-No!

I'll be all right as long as I stay in this position.

I'll walk up and down.

Which is Captain Mainwaring?

I'm Captain Mainwaring.

Captain Ogilvy of the Highlanders.

How do you do?

Are you in some sort of trouble?

It's his lumbago, sir. He was taking PT and got stuck.

We'll soon fix that.

Two-sixths. HOW!

Aaaah!

-Better?

-Yes.

-Good.

-Right, let's get down to business.

-Fall the men in, Sergeant.

All right, men, fall in, please, in... Fall in. Three rows...ranks.

Now, men, and Captain Mainwaring, let's get down to business.

My sergeant and nine of my men will attempt to capture your headquarters.

They will start from my headquarters three miles away,

infiltrate through the town and try to capture your headquarters.

Now, as you outnumber us three to one, you won't be worried.

But let me remind you, Captain Mainwaring,

my men are professionals, 100% fit,

so you'd best look out for yourselves.

Pay attention, this is important.

Each side will have three colours of paint -

red for dead, blue for wounded, white for prisoner.

If a man is wounded and captured,

he gets a dab of blue paint and a dab of white.

If there's any dispute, you must call upon me.

I shall carry with me a tin of pink paint and a tin of yellow paint.

If he is wounded not dead, I give him one dash of pink.

On the other hand, if he's dead not wounded, he gets two dabs of pink.

If he's not dead, not wounded not prisoner, >

he gets a dab of yellow to cancel out the whole thing. Understood? >

The scheme will commence at 2200 hours. Any questions?

-Ten o'clock?

-That's what I said.

2200 hours.

Until then, I'll be at my HQ at Manor Farm if you need me.

Meantime, Captain, I suggest that you carry on with your PT.

Judging by the looks of your men, they're very much in need of it.

Oh, they're pretty fit, sir.

- You, lad, what age are you? - 17, sir.

So in two years you'll be joining the army, eh?

Oh, no, sir, I want to join the Navy.

You're very puny-looking for a lad of your age.

- Round-shouldered. - I'm fighting fit, sir.

Are you, now?

Very well, we'll see how fit you are.

Tense your stomach muscles, laddie.

I'm going to tap your solar plexus to test you.

Right?

Arrggh!

Was that all right, sir?

Excellent.

Very good, Captain. Carry on.

Pike, you stood up to that very well.

-Your stomach must be made of steel.

-Not my stomach, sir.

But my rifle bolt is.

All right, get dressed, men.

Then gather round.

We're up against a formidable opponent.

-Any suggestions as to how we tackle it?

-One thing worries me, sir.

I'll feel a bit of a traitor, sir.

I'm a Highlander, too,

and I feel as if I'm fighting my own kith and kin as it were, sir.

They're only acting the part of the enemy.

It won't matter if you wear kilt or trousers,

the Hun will still try to kill you.

If it's dark and you're wearing a kilt, he might get other ideas.

-Permission to speak, sir?

-Yes, Corporal?

As I understand it, they're trying to capture our headquarters.

Why don't we move our headquarters, so when they come, we won't be here,

and they won't know where our whereabouts are, sir.

I don't think that's quite the idea, Jones.

Why don't we send someone into their camp to find out their plans?

Good idea. We could dress Frazer up as a Scotsman.

I AM a Scotsman.

Could we disguise someone as a land girl?

Are you volunteering?

We've got to disguise ourselves as something that fits in on a farm.

-Such as what?

-You leave it to me, sir.

# Hi-diddely-dee, an actor's life for me... #

Platoon, ten-shun!

All present and correct, except Frazer and Walker.

They're involved in a scheme.

Left, right, left, right, left. Halt! Halt!

It won't work, Walker.

-WALKER: What's that, sir?

-It won't work.

Take that stupid head off.

I wish you'd use your intelligence a bit.

Who would think you were a real cow?

No, you don't understand, sir.

My plan is to get mixed up with a flock of cows.

It still wouldn't work. Fall in inside the hall.

-Take that back to the choir room.

-Yes, sir.

The Vicar will be furious. He lives for the scout pantomime.

-Jack and the Beanstalk, isn't it?

-Yes, sir.

-The vicar is a marvellous dame.

-Too lifelike for me.

What did he say?

He says it won't work.

How do we know if we don't try?

That's the spirit, Taffy.

You and me, we'll meet up tomorrow night,

about half-five, all right?

Cheerio for now.

Oi!

Keep in touch!

Well, now, men, pay attention.

Here is a rough plan of our position.

Headquarters here.

The enemy can come at us from all sides.

It's going to be a bit of a job, sir,

to hold all those points with only 17 men.

-You were right, sir. It didn't work.

-What happened?

We got near the farm, sir, and everything was going lovely,

then we had to cross a field.

-You mean somebody spotted you?

-Well, there was a bull in the field, sir.

Terrible. A terrible experience, sir.

It wasn't as bad as all that.

You were at the front.

I'll leave you to explain to the vicar how you ruined his cowskin.

-Where was I up to?

-We haven't got enough men, sir.

Ah, yes. We have to get into that farm.

Let's keep very cool and think.

What examples can we draw from the great campaigns?

For instance...

what position would Napoleon have taken?

He used to stand something like this.

-Thank you, Corporal.

-And how about...

the Trojan horse, sir?

Horse?

I'm not getting in the back end of that one.

What I meant was if we get a vehicle that doesn't look out of place.

# Run, rabbit, run, rabbit, run, run... #

There you are, sir.

Well done, Wilson.

-Where did you get it from?

-From Mr Drake's farm.

Yes, I know him. He banks with us.

You know you refused his overdraft?

I said you changed your mind.

-You've no business saying that.

-Who are we trying to help?

Now we've got it, let's use it.

-We need somebody to hide in the hay.

-Permission to speak! I'll hide in that hay.

I think we ought to have a younger man. Pike, you!

Wilson, as you drove it here, drive it back to the farmyard.

-One thing. They'll recognise you.

-They won't, sir. Excuse me.

All right, Pike, in you go.

-Sir -

-Don't argue, get in! ..Help him!

-Get him well covered up.

-I can't do that, sir.

Pile it over him.

A-TCHOO!

Now what's the matter?

I was trying to tell you, sir.

I've got terrible hay fever.

Permission to speak, sir. Let me go in!

All right, as you're so keen.

-Just a minute. How will you breathe?

-What about rubber tubing?

Get the stirrup pump. Come on, help him in.

There we go, that's it.

-There you are, sir.

-Thank you, Godfrey.

Fine.

Here you are, Jones.

Put the other end of that tube in your mouth.

That should do the trick.

-Where did you get all that?

-Same place they got the cow skin.

I don't know what the vicar will say.

If you're challenged, don't say anything.

Shake your head and say, ARRRR!

-All right, sir. I know all about that, sir.

-Try it.

(BLEATS)

I suppose that will have to do. Jones!

Jones, can you hear me?

I want you to listen to everything that's said and remember it.

Can you hear that?

Jones!

Jones, can you...? He's got no air, he's suffocating!

Where's he gone to?

Yes, what is it?

Jones! Where have you been?

I fell through the bottom of the cart.

# Run, rabbit

# Run, rabbit, run, run, run... #

MARCHING

Right, the back of the cart here.

Now, then, men. Pay attention. This is the plan.

The scheme is to commence at 2200 hours,

but we shall move out at 2100 hours.

Now, we'll skirt the town

and move through the woods here.

We cannot emerge from the woods on this side

as we might be spotted crossing the roadway here.

At the bottom of the woods, there are cliffs to the beach.

We shall descend by ropes which we will bring with us.

At the bottom, move along the beach and rendezvous under the pier.

At 2200 hours, we'll move smartly up the street

and capture the enemy HQ.

Understood?

As I said, the scheme commences at 2200 hours.

Five minutes later, we shall have taken over enemy HQ.

I'll remind you of the three major points of this operation.

The beach here.

The pier here.

Last but not least, the final objective...here!

Agh!

Buk-buk-buk!

HE CLUCKS

Well, I just hope this idea of yours is going to work, sir.

It worked in the Tarzan film I saw.

Dirty rotters! Turning up an hour earlier!

Well, all's fair in love and war.

Here we are, sir.

We've got the paint, sir.

Now, let's run through the plan again.

There are eight paths, all covered by man traps.

The enemy runs along the path, gets his foot in the noose,

somebody pulls the rope and up he goes.

Sir, have you seen this thing work?

-Of course!

-In a Tarzan film.

What about the paint, sir?

Red for wounded.

No, red for dead. Red for dead and blue for wounded.

You've got it wrong. White for wounded and dead for yellow.

Why don't we give them a bit of each?

That's a good idea. Initiative.

I saw that in a Laurel and Hardy.

-Saw it together. Do you remember?

-Do you mind?

There is an hour before they're due. Let's take our positions. Walker.

Jones, to your position.

You are responsible for this path. The rest of you, follow me.

OWL HOOTS

Joe!

Can you hear anything?

No.

Neither can I.

What are you on about, you silly old duffer?

-You might be able to hear something I can't.

-I can't.

WHISTLE TOOTS

MEN SHOUT

I heard that. Come on, stand by.

It's gone a bit quiet.

MAN TRAP THEN SHOUTING

-One.

-SECOND MAN SHOUTS

-Two.

-THIRD MAN SHOUTS

Three. FOURTH MAN SHOUTS

Four. FIFTH MAN SHOUTS

Five.

Six.

Seven. We're next. Stand by.

-Here, maybe they took the wrong turning.

-Shh, I'm trying to listen.

Good night's work.

Sir, you didn't half start us up.

-What happened?

-Nothing yet, sir.

-We've got all of them.

-Quiet! We are waiting for the rest.

-Perhaps he doesn't know where it is.

-Of course he doesn't. If he knew, he wouldn't come into it, would he?

-Permission to speak, sir.

-Yes?

Couldn't I go in the woods and decoy myself?

-They will follow me and then...

-And then what?

Then they'll fall into the trap, sir.

-That's a very good idea, Corporal.

-Thank you, sir.

Sir, I want to tell you something.

When those two bodies come through the bushes,

don't forget to let the first one go by, for that will be me.

Fine, off you go, Corporal. Good luck.

-No doubt about. That man's got guts.

-Plain foolhardy.

Stand by with your paintbrushes.

SHOUTING

Be quiet. Stand by.

They're coming.

-Don't forget. Let Jones go by.

-They're here.

Right, men, pull!

Get him down quickly. Joe!

Jones!

You made a boomer.

I don't understand. Who was the first man?

THAT was me! Captain, I must congratulate you.

You nearly outsmarted us.

-You were supposed to...

-Stand back! This is war.

It's red paint on the boots for all.

You there, give me that paint. As you were!

On second thoughts, I'll get it myself.

Good Lord!

Yes, Wilson. Now we really know what they wear underneath.

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