The Battle of Godfrey's Cottage Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again

# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21

# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

# So, who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done? #

SHOP BELL RINGS

Evening, sir.

Ah, Sergeant.

Early, aren't you, sir?

-Yes, I wanted to finish this battle plan.

-I see.

And I'm afraid I had to rush my meal.

Oh, yes? What did you have tonight, sir?

Woolton pie and treacle tart.

-Really? That was a "real meal", wasn't it, sir?

-Yes, yes!

Where did you get the treacle from?

Well, it wasn't real.

The pastry was made from potatoes, and the treacle from grated carrot.

What did it taste like?

Ohhh!

-Got a touch of indigestion?

-Yes.

Well, would you like one of these? They're quite helpful.

Oh, thank you. "Calm Tums, for tummy disorders

"and air-raid strain." Why air-raid strain?

Well, sir, it can be embarrassing when...

-SHOP BELL

-Yes.

# ..the white cliffs of Dover...

-Evening, Jones.

-# ..white cliffs of Dover... #

Evening, gentlemen. Evening, Mr Wilson, Mr Mainwaring.

What are you taking there, sir?

-Cor, you shouldn't take those!

-Why not?

-They'll keep you on the run, sir.

-But I thought they did the opposite.

Have you got a touch of flatulence? This is what you want.

There you are - bicarbonate of soda.

I always carry this with me. I got in the habit in the Sudan.

General Kitchener was very keen on it, sir.

"Boys!" he'd say - he always called us that -

"Keep your bayonets sharp and your bicarb handy.

"That'll stop you getting the wind up."

He had a very dry sense of humour.

I've carried this for 45 years. Of course, I've refilled it...

-Well, I think I'll be all right.

-If you fancy any of it, let me know.

BELL It'll be a wee bit crowded in here when everyone's here, won't it?

Well, we'll manage, Frazer.

Can we remove the bell, sir? It's a terrible nuisance.

Nuisance? It'll stop the enemy from surprising us.

We can't have these bicycles here. Tell them to get them out.

Yes, would you mind awfully, kindly taking...

Oh, give it in the form of an order, please.

All bicycles outside. Yours, too.

-And yours, sir?

-What? No, on second thoughts, there's room for two.

Are you turning this into a second-hand bike shop?

Evening, sir.

Here's a tin of treacle.

I could have done with that earlier.

Are we going? Is the parade over?

Of course not, stupid boy. They're taking their bikes out. You too.

Mum won't like me leaving my bike out, Uncle Arthur.

-It might get pinched.

-That'll do, Pike. Take it outside.

-The saddle will get wet.

-Never mind.

-Corporal! Fall the men in.

-Yes, sir.

Sergeant, can I just have a word with you?

You must stop Pike calling you Uncle Arthur in front of the men.

It's bad for discipline.

Sorry, sir, but it's not my fault.

When he was little, he used to call me something else,

so Mavis - I mean Mrs Pike - told him to call me Uncle...

to stop him calling me something else.

What else did he used to call you?

-Daddy.

-What?!

-You're not his daddy...his father.

-Good heavens, of course not.

Well, tell him to address you properly.

Forward march!

ALL: One! One, two!

What are you doing, Corporal?

-Sorry, sir. The room's too small.

-Put them back.

-Yes, sir. About turn!

-Oh, pull yourself together.

Yes, sir. Forward.

It doesn't seem to work, sir.

-Oh, sort them out, Sergeant.

-Yes, sir.

Er...platoon...about turn.

-Corporal, come out.

-Sorry, sir.

-Now, who's missing?

-Godfrey, sir.

Well, we'll manage without him. Now, I want you to gather round. Fall out.

All right. Sit down on the floor.

FRAZER: Oh, sorry!

Come on, now. Quickly as you can. Settle down.

Right. Now, pay attention.

I've had orders from GHQ,

giving us our precise instructions in case the balloon goes up.

Now, I asked you to parade here at the Novelty Rock Emporium,

because, if an invasion comes, this will be our command post.

-Who's in charge here?

-Captain Mainwaring.

What are all them bikes doing?

-They belong to my platoon.

-Well, shift 'em.

I don't think I like your tone.

Oh? Then I'll try it in a different tone.

THEY ALL GRUMBLE

GET 'EM SHIFTED! How's that?

You're exceeding your authority.

Them bikes could be used by the enemy.

Er... I'm fully aware of the situation,

and I intend to deal with it.

You better, or I'll let your tyres down.

Don't you dare. Now, get out of my shop...er, my command post.

I will, but don't say I didn't warn you. And you, an' all.

THEY ALL JEER

Corporal, detail a man to watch the bikes.

Sponge, you nip outside and watch them.

Fix bayonets, and if that warden so much as lays a finger on them,

let him have it, right up.

Lock the door, Jones. I don't want him trampling on you again.

Now, as I was saying...

In case of an invasion, this is our plan.

KNOCK AT DOOR

-Shall I let them in?

-I'll deal with this.

I'll deal with this. Let me through.

Help him up, somebody.

Make way for the officer.

Now, look here... Oh, it's you.

Are you closed?

Why are you late, Godfrey?

-I'm sorry. My bicycle had a puncture.

-Well, come inside.

Lock the door again, Corporal.

ALL: Hello, Godfrey.

Come on, Godfrey. It's not a sherry party.

All right. Now, settle down.

Now, when the church bells ring,

you will report to the Novelty Rock Emporium here.

HE TAPS

There's someone at the door again, sir.

Corporal, wake up.

Now, we shall split in two. I shall take one half, and Wilson will take the other.

-One half will proceed to the crossroads, a mile up the...

-HE TAPS

..a mile up the road here.

Now, these crossroads are a very vital strategic position.

He who holds them holds Walmington-on-Sea.

It will also be necessary

to cover the crossroads with a machine-gun post.

Now, I think the ideal place is Godfrey's cottage here.

You don't mind, do you, Godfrey?

Er...mind what, sir?

-Haven't you been listening?

-I'm sorry, sir. I was talking.

We need your home as a gun post. Do you live with your sisters?

Yes, sir, but they might be in bed,

and as they're hard of hearing, they wouldn't let us in.

You've got a key, haven't you?

No, sir. They've got the only one.

They did promise me one once, but nothing happened.

-Permission to speak, sir.

-Yes, Corporal.

Why don't we put the key under a flowerpot?

That's a very good idea. Hear that, Godfrey?

Arrange for it, will you?

Now, we shall send out patrols from these two...p...

these two posts...

and they will communicate... through runners.

-What on earth...?

-Don't argue. Give me a penny.

I can't open the door!

-It's locked, sir.

-Well, come and unlock it - quickly.

Hurry up, Corporal. For goodness' sake, man!

Oh, don't mess about.

I'm doing it, sir.

I told him he shouldn't have taken them tablets.

Well, you've got a point, Mrs Pike.

We'll dispose of your Channel Tunnel shares.

I'm very grateful for your advice, Mr Mainwaring.

As a widow, I don't always know what to do for the best.

No, I quite understand, but as your bank manager, I'm here to help.

Oh, thank you, Mr Mainwaring. You see, what I miss most is not having a man to look after.

You've got a button missing, Arthur. Why didn't you tell me before you left this morning?

Yes, all right, Mavis.

You sent for me, sir?

Yes. Those are the shares to be sold.

Well, I must go to it.

Mr Wilson's coming to supper with me tonight.

Not tonight. He's taking a party of 18 to the cinema.

-Party of 18?

-Home Guards.

It's a special showing of the film Next Of Kin.

Oh, I've heard of that. Are you all going?

Not me. I went with my wife and her two sisters.

Coals to Newcastle!

Goodbye, then, Mr Mainwaring. Thank you.

Bye, Arthur.

Well, I'm glad I'm not going to the cinema.

I've got a lot of work to do at HQ. I'll leave you to lock up, Wilson.

Oh, Mrs Pike's left her gloves. Run after her.

Yes, of course.

Ah. I'd better put that deed box away in the vaults.

I caught up with her all right, sir...

Well, where is he? He must have gone out by the back door.

The others have gone. Do you need me for anything else?

Er...no, thank you, Pike.

We haven't much time. The bus leaves in 15 minutes.

Why are they taking us to the pictures tonight?

Well, GHQ want all units to see this film.

-It's about the effects of careless talk.

-Who's in it?

Oh, they wouldn't say. I think Geoffrey Hibbert. Some new boy.

-CHURCH BELLS CHIME

-What's that?

Church bells. Funny time for them to ring. Somebody must be getting married.

Good heavens. It's the invasion!

What?!

What are we going to do, Uncle Arthur?

Well, you can stop calling me Uncle Arthur.

-Hadn't we better get to the rock emporium?

-Do that. Yes.

-We're supposed to be going to the pictures.

-We'll just have to go another night.

Get your respirator, gas mask and rifle.

I'll try and do something - I'll lock up.

-Don't forget your uniform.

-Hadn't we better tell Mum we'll miss supper?

Is that you, Wilson?

He hasn't wasted much time, has he?

Soon as my back's turned he makes off.

Becoming a clock watcher, Wilson. I must talk to him - tomorrow.

# There'll always be an England... #

They're here, sir.

We're on our way down to the rock emporium, sir.

We just happened to notice your bike outside, sir.

There's not a minute to lose.

-What are you talking about?

-The church bells.

What? I never heard them.

About 20 minutes ago. I was at home.

I went straight round to collect Jones.

That coach will be halfway to Eastgate.

Hitler's at our throats and my platoon's at the pictures!

Why aren't you there?

I was coupon counting, sir.

What are we going to do, sir?

This means there's only... three of us to defend the whole town.

Yes, I know. Let me think.

Don't you worry, sir. We'll fight to the last.

And if we run out of ammo, sir, we'll give 'em the old cold steel. They don't like it up 'em.

I can't help it, sir. If I smell battle, it just gets me going, sir.

Look, put that away!

Sir, it'll be a bit of a job, defending the beach with only three men.

You're quite right, Frazer.

We must face the facts.

The three of us can't stop them from landing.

We must change our plans.

The commander in the field must always be flexible.

We must make a snap decision.

Well, don't take too long, sir. They'll be here in a minute.

Let's cross over to the key position.

Three determined men could hold an army there.

If we can hold out for long enough there,

our regular troops can regroup for the counterattack. You see?

Mind you, it'll probably be the end of us.

-But we're ready for that, aren't we, men?

-Sir.

-Of course, sir.

Good show. I think we'd better take this machine gun with us.

Right.

Grab a magazine, both of you.

I doubt there'll be any time for reading, sir.

-To Godfrey's cottage, at the double!

-Aye, sir.

Are you enjoying your nice piece of haddock, Charles?

Yes, thank you, Dolly.

I had to queue up for 20 minutes just for that bit of fish.

Are you parading with the yeomanry tonight?

No, Cissy, it's my night for the clinic.

Oh, I see. You ARE.

< Better hurry or you'll miss the parade.

Now, don't rush him, Cissy. I'm sure he's dying for more tea

and a piece of my upside-down cake.

Oh, that reminds me. Have a nice little word with that nice Mr Walker tonight, Charles.

We need more sugar.

I'm not going on parade tonight.

< Oh, thank you, dear. I'm sure he'll get it for you.

PARROT SQUAWKS

Oh, what is it, Percy? Do you want your tea?

What about a little bit of my upside-down cake?

Here you are, dear.

PERCY SQUAWKS

No, no, dear. It's not maggots.

It's my upside-down cake.

KNOCKING AT DOOR

May we come in? It's an emergency.

Charles, dear, it's that nice bank manager,

Mr Mainwaring. He's outside. He's brought a gun with him.

I wonder what he wants.

PERCY SQUAWKS

Oh, come in, sir.

Why are you here? I thought you were in Eastgate.

-It's my night at the clinic.

-Get your rifle. The invasion's on.

-What invasion?

-The Germans. Didn't you hear the bells?

-No, I didn't, sir.

-We're setting up gun posts here. You've told your sisters?

-No, it slipped my mind.

-Oh, well, too late now.

Evening, Miss Godfrey.

We'll put our gun here, where we've got a clear view.

Would you mind if we put this doily underneath?

It's rather a valuable table.

You know what we need, sir? We want a lot of sandbags.

What about some cushions?

Good idea, Frazer. Search the house.

Charles, don't be so rude. Ask your friends to have some tea.

Er...just a moment...

< Oh, it's that nice Mr Jones,

the butcher...

Er, Mr Jones,

would you like a cup of tea?

No, thank you, Mrs Godfrey. The Germans are coming.

Yes, I know they are. So many coming for tea.

I think I'll make some more.

Oh, good afternoon.

Er, Cissy, dear, there's a gentleman here selling pillows.

I think we ought to buy some.

They match the ones we have upstairs.

Just wait here

and my sister will attend to you.

Here you are, sir.

Well done, Frazer.

There's the magazine, sir.

Where's your steel helmet?

In the confusion, I forgot all about it!

You've got to have a steel helmet!

I have an idea, sir. What about this, sir?

Thank you, but I doubt a flowerpot on his head will help much.

It's not a flowerpot, it's a steel German helmet.

-I brought it back in 1918.

-Better than nothing.

Thank you, Godfrey, thank you.

Sorry about your plant, Godfrey, but this is war.

-Here you are. Try that on.

-Thank you, sir.

Right, here we go.

Excuse me.

Now, then...

Waaaaa! Waaaaaa!

What's the matter, Jones?

I've got a funny feeling in my spine.

Pull yourself together, you've fought before.

I know, but I've never had a feeling like this in my spine.

Aaah! Oooh!

Eugh! Aargh!

SHE LAUGHS

Well, if he will wear a flowerpot on his head what else can he expect?!

It's a fine field of fire, sir.

They'll never get past.

Wait a minute! These won't stop any bullets!

You're quite right, sir!

Frazer, go and get these filled

with something a bit harder. Go on!

Now, then...

There we are.

PARROT SQUAWKS

Oh, golly, dear!

You really must get a conditioning powder for Percy.

He's moulting terribly!

Oooh!

What about this?!

How many lumps?

Put the lot in.

Don't like it, Walker.

Don't like it at all.

Too quiet.

Funny you should say those words like that, Sergeant.

Oh, really? Why?

It's what the sergeant always says in them Western films.

The cavalry stops, and the officer looks through his field glasses

and suddenly the sergeant says,

"I don't like it, sir, it's too quiet."

What happens then?

He gets a dirty big arrow, right in the chest.

Mind you, sometimes it's the officer who says, "It's too quiet."

Sergeant still gets the arrow, though.

Aargh!

All right. Don't overdo things so much.

Hello, here's Pikey.

-Where's the Lewis gun?

-It wasn't there.

What do you mean?

We went back to the church hall and the cupboard was bare.

Perhaps the Germans have got it.

They wouldn't know where it was.

Where's Captain Mainwaring and the rest of them?

Mr Frazer was the Lewis gunner. Perhaps the gun's with him.

If he's gone where I think he's gone, he won't need no gun.

Walker, would you stand somewhere else? This is really getting on my nerves.

Well, there's nowhere else. The place is full of bikes!

-Uncle Arthur?

-What?

Do you think anything has happened to them?

No, no.

Why aren't they here, then? It was Mr Mainwaring -

he said, "If you hear the church bells, go to the rock emporium," and he's not here.

Please stop talking for a minute. I can't think.

It's difficult when you go on like that.

Uncle Arthur?

What?!

I ain't half hungry.

Why didn't you bring sandwiches? You knew we were going to Eastgate.

I was going to have an ice cream there and supper at home.

Sorry. That's your lookout.

It's stupid, going on like that. I told you about that before.

Uncle Sergeant?

What is it now?

If anything has happened to Mr Mainwaring, will they make you the bank manager?

I hadn't thought about that.

If they make you manager, you can make me chief clerk.

Sergeant! Look what I found >

down in the cellar - from before the war - sticks of rock!

Do you mind if I hand them out?

Yes, all right, Corporal.

Right-ho, lads.

Get your sticks of rock here. Tanner each.

Walmington-on-Sea. Stamped right through.

This has got Clacton on it.

What do you want for a tanner, Ashby-de-la-Zouch?

For heaven's sake, what are you playing at?

You're not taking money for that?

Ah. Well, they forced it on me.

Give it back at once.

Oh, all right. Want a stick?

That's the last thing I require now.

We can't keep on waiting for Captain Mainwaring.

We'd better carry out the battle plan alone.

Walker, Pike, get your things. We'll set up another establishment at Godfrey's cottage.

Sponge, you're in charge here.

Wait for half an hour, then send out a patrol to me at... Where? Godfrey's cottage.

Right, Sarge.

-Can I bring my stick of rock with me, Uncle?

-No, put it away. Come on.

I don't like it, Captain Mainwaring.

It's too quiet.

Can you see anything?

Not a thing.

It'll be dark soon.

Wonder where the rest of the platoon is.

Likely they've left the coach and come back on foot.

All civilian vehicles must be put out of action during an invasion alarm.

They could be away for hours.

PARROT SQUAWKS

Miss Godfrey, do you think you could keep that bird quiet?

Could I go outside for a minute, sir?

-Oh, yes, all right.

-Thank you, sir.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'll cover you.

-Right. Now.

-Sir.

If you ask me, I...don't think there's anybody at home.

Maybe Godfrey's sisters are in bed, Sergeant.

Shall I get the key from under the flowerpot?

No, wait a minute. I don't like it, Walker, you know.

It's too quiet.

TOILET FLUSHES

What was that?

-Sounded like the whatsitsname. You know, the...

-Yes, yes.

-Hey, Sarge! Look over there, Sarge!

-Over where?

There's a German soldier by the shed. Look at his helmet!

Blimey! He's right.

Come on. In here.

Quick as you can.

Hang on. Shouldn't we wait for Spongy and the rest?

No, it's too late now. Take aim. Fire!

-Let me at 'em! The filthy swine! I'll give 'em the cold steel!

-Come back, come back.

Down, everybody! Stand by.

What was that noise, dear?

I don't know, and we can't interrupt.

Where did those shots come from?

From the summerhouse, sir.

It's very nice. You can turn it round in the direction of the sun.

But the sun's not shining!

-Oh, shut up, Jones! Got the range?

-Aye, sir.

Did we get him, Sergeant?

I've absolutely no idea. Now, just keep under cover.

Fire!

RAPID GUNFIRE

I think we'd better clear the table, dear.

GUNFIRE

Now, you take the tray into the kitchen.

GUNFIRE

No, no, no, no, dear. Don't disturb them.

All right, dear. I'll shake the cloth upstairs from the bedroom window.

ANOTHER BURST OF RAPID GUNFIRE

Cor blimey! What are they using?

The cottage has disappeared.

I have a feeling we're facing the wrong way.

-I can move us round like this.

-No, don't.

-Well, what are we going to do?

-First, get into a safer position.

Follow me. Keep low on the ground.

Sergeant! Sergeant! Look!

What?

They're waving a white cloth out of the window!

They're surrendering! You'd better go in and accept it.

No, no, Walker. I think perhaps you'd better go. I'll stay here, keep an eye on things.

Don't you think Pikey ought to go?

Me? Well, you're the oldest, aren't you, Uncle Sergeant?

No, we'll all go together. Come on.

All right.

-Captain Mainwaring!

-Yes?

They're surrendering!

Three of them have come out.

Well done, men. We showed 'em, eh?

Stand watch here.

They may be up to their Nazi tricks.

I'm going to make them come right inside.

Put the light on so we can see them.

Kommen Sie hier!

They're Germans all right.

No, you kommen Sie hier - at once!

Mainwaring!

Wilson!

You might have killed us!

YOU might have killed US.

Come inside at once.

Oh! What a...

I'm very disappointed in you, Sergeant.

You should have fought till the last man.

We thought you were Nazis.

-You should have kept on firing.

-We might have killed you!

-You had no business to give in.

But...you gave in first.

What?! We did no such thing.

I'm booking you for disregard of blackout rules.

Oh, all right, get on with it.

For the last time, I did not surrender.

Nothing would have induced me to surrender.

GUNFIRE

Get down! What the devil's that?!

It's Spongy with the rest of them.

Well, get a white flag out of the window - quickly!