Episode 6 Delete, Delete, Delete

Oh!

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Good evening. Welcome to Delete Delete Delete,

the show where we look through celebrity laptops

and check for anything dodgy. Yes, for the next half-hour,

I'm the FBI and our guests are the Clintons.

So get ready for some criminal charges, or, at the very least,

a bill for dry cleaning.

We've got three fantastic guests for you tonight.

-Shall we get them out? ALL:

-Yes!

-Yes.

First up, one of the hottest new comedians around.

We are delighted to have him on the show.

He says he's often mistaken for an airline steward

and so, tonight, he'll be entering from here, from here,

from here and from here.

Please welcome Al Porter!

Hiya, Paddy.

-Good to see you.

-Good to see you.

-How are you doing?

Oh, you want that?

Up next, an award-winning comedian and writer who once turned

personal disaster into a sell-out Edinburgh show -

something that I normally do the other way around!

Please welcome the fantastic Holly Walsh!

What an intro!

Lovely.

And finally, a TV host who's become a huge hit

with fans of Robot Wars and is the sexiest Irish person

to ever host The One Show -

it says here.

It's Angela Scanlon!

Hello!

How're you doing?

-Oh!

-What, that's it?

-Yeah!

That's it, sorry.

How are we all feeling about this? Al, are you happy about this?

It's a bit... You see, I thought it would be fine,

but it's actually a bit nerve-racking handing it

over to you. You know?

I'm also conscious that I'm kind of dressed like a leprechaun.

How important is your online world, Holly?

Well, since I had a baby, I have...

I try really hard not to look at my phone around him

because I don't want him to think

that that's more interesting than him.

And people say, "You shouldn't look at your iPhone around a kid,"

and I'm a bit like, "Yeah, but maybe kids need to up their game a bit."

OK, Angela, let's start with you, shall we?

-Why not?

-You love a little bit of Instagram.

-I do.

-You're one of Ireland's top ten Instagrammers.

-Who? What?!

-Wow!

-You're up there with One Direction...

-Oh, wow.

-..and Mrs Brown.

OK, but a lot less wealthy.

-Well, who knows? I mean, you're doing...

-Well, I do.

Post lovely things like this.

This is, what, a field?

-Well, you took it!

-I did, I did.

And it's in Meath.

Does that not look like it's in America or somewhere, you know?

To be honest, I would say the field of barley

and the clouds might give it away as Ireland!

-The dark clouds!

-Did you have to edit that?

Do you edit, do you believe in editing?

I will pull up the contrast.

-Yeah.

-Do you know what that means, Al?

Yeah, I do... Thanks, Angela.

-I...

-LAUGHTER

I know I might come across all...

No, does that mean it gets the darker and lighter?

Yeah, it makes everything look a bit more dramatic.

-Yeah.

-You also took this little snap.

So this horse... I like his fringe!

It looks like Claudia Winkleman!

Is it me, or is the white one attractive?

-Yeah!

-I just mean...

No, but you know what I mean. It's a very suggestive horse.

It's just cos it's got its little booty popped out.

It knows what it's doing.

It's gone full Kim Kardashian there in the background!

Even the way, like...

I feel like it wasn't looking at the camera and then

the minute you shot, it went... Yeah!

Yes!

Holly, now, you're more of a tweeter.

-Oh, yeah.

-Philosophical stuff like this.

"What if, like trees,

"we all lost our hair in the winter and had to wait until spring

"for it to grow back?"

Yeah, this is the sort of thing I think about.

This is what keeps you up all night?

Yeah, because it would be an amazing thing if we all just lost our hair

and then we'd all be equal, you know, for a bit.

And it wouldn't be like, "Oh, she's got great hair," or anything.

It would just be like, "Oh, none of us have hair in the winter."

OK, well, look, let's have a little look and see how this would work.

This is you, Holly, with hair

-in the summer.

-Yes.

This is Holly in the winter.

-Oh, yeah.

-It's actually quite nice!

You can do bald! Sinead O'Connor can do that, too, and Natalie Portman.

There's not that many people who can.

I think that's foxy.

That is Sinead O'Connor before she went bat shit.

-Yeah!

-That's really nice.

Who've we got next? This is me.

Oh, we're all going to be bald!

This is me in the winter.

-Oh!

-Yes, OK.

Wow. It's a little bit Lord Voldemort, isn't it?

-It really accentuates your ears.

-Yeah, it really does.

We wondered how this would look with someone whose hair wasn't so good.

This is President Trump without his hair.

-Oh, dear.

-It makes his mouth look even more like an arsehole.

LAUGHER AND APPLAUSE

OK. You're more of a Facebook guy.

-Yes.

-But it is not always your face that you post.

I forgot that was up there!

Now, Paddy, I hate to save everything for the screen!

-Oh, my goodness.

-Was that a standing ovation?

What was going on?

That was in Vicar Street theatre and I just decided I would streak!

-Why not?

-Nothing really behind it.

LAUGHTER

But, you know, when you decide you're going to do something like

that for a bit of craic, you know, you do realise a bit of male pride

then kind of comes into it and you go, "Well, I'm not going out cold.

"I'm going to give this a fluff." You know?

But you do kind of have to negotiate where the fluff kind of stops

because, like, walking out with the kind of, like, a bit of

a slightly swollen Mickey, that's a bit of fun,

like, that's a bit of craic.

But, like, full hard-on is a different idea, like,

you know what I mean?

You don't want a hard-on that could lift you out of a chipper,

you know what I mean? You just kind of want...

How long does that take, to get it just in the right...place?

Well, I tell you what it is,

I find that you have to think of something and then work back.

You know, so you have to get really enthused and then kind of go,

"Oh, I'll take a breather now," and then you're ready, you know?

So I'm kind of going,

"Ryan Gosling, Ryan Gosling, Ryan Gosling,

"Gerry Adams." You know what I mean? Like, just...

So the thing I want to know, Al,

is whenever you show your bum on Facebook...

-Yes.

-..do you prefer a nice comment, or a thumbs up?

I actually worry about it now that my mother has joined Facebook

and she doesn't know how to use it, you know.

She just shares inspirational quotes and missing dogs.

Oh, my God, my mum is the same!

From the man who uses it to show his arse!

We've also got another picture of you with your clothes on.

-OK.

-This is from a recent celebration?

This is my IFTA award.

Thanks for bringing that up, Paddy.

Also in the category was Angela Scanlon.

I'm glad you've brought up the awkward tension around the fact that

I have that and Angela doesn't.

I hadn't really won anything since I was a kid, you know.

And then I won a karaoke competition when I was 17.

-What did you sing?

-Well, I sang Dusty Springfield's...

Thank you for asking, Paddy.

I sang Dusty Springfield's You Don't Have To Say You Love Me...

-Oh, that's great.

-..without closing my mouth.

-Do it.

-Yes. Because, you see, there is...

No, no, yeah...

Laugh it up, bitches!

There's a notion that, you know, the more soulful you sing,

the less you are able to understand them. You know, like Van Morrison

-kind of grunting into the microphone and things.

-So do it for us.

-I want to see it.

-You just go...

HE SINGS WORDLESSLY

Yeah.

All right, Holly, let's check out your Twitter feed.

We noticed you followed this account -

-You Had One Job.

-It's so brilliant.

So what was this person's job?

-The loo lid is underneath...

-Oh!

You can see most men in the audience,

actually, that was a slow burn for them

because it's always left up!

What's the problem? This is the account - You Had One Job.

We have a few more examples of this.

Now, you would think that if you're actually painting that sign,

the clue might be on the sign by the grass.

We used to hate the road markings on the way up to my school because it

should have said, "Slow down" and that have been fine,

but it just used to say, "Slow school ahead".

Now this one?

-Long yellow things.

-Long yellow things!

When I lived in Australia,

somebody suggested to myself and my friends that we get a job to extend

our visa, working on a farm,

and we'd heard different stories about this farming life.

And, obviously, I really like it,

as you can see from my Instagram pictures.

But they told us that we could work on a banana farm

bending the bananas.

And I was like, "Sorry, what?"

And they said, "Yeah, do you not know that bananas actually grow straight,

"but they travel better when they're bent"?

And so we contemplated bending bananas.

Oh, yeah.

-Yeah.

-We've got a few more.

Don't you have to think sometimes, though, which is left and right?

-Yeah, everyone does.

-Yeah. I once slammed this hand in a door,

so that's how I know this is definitely my right.

And, up until that point, you weren't sure?

-It's how I remember.

-We've also got this.

-I love that!

-That is so cute!

-I love that.

It could be a Weight Watchers thing, I don't know. Is it maybe?

-Oh, possibly.

-I'm looking at the slightly fat wrist and...

-I wouldn't say that was a fat wrist.

-No.

-No?

He's a fattist, he's from LA.

Not from. Living.

Sorry. They are fattists in LA!

-No, they're not.

-They absolutely are.

Have you seen the size of people in America?

Yeah, but not in LA!

Wheelchairs at airports!

Honest to God!

You know the wheelchairs in the airports? I sat in one once

because I just figured it was a seat, like.

No, but, you know, no, I knew it was a wheelchair,

but I think the people who need them probably bring their own.

And, to be fair,

I've never gotten out of the taxi at the airport and seen somebody

dragging themselves to the terminal,

just heaving their body.

And then they get in and see a wheelchair and go,

"Oh, my God, what am I like?!

"I'm always forgetting something! What am I like?!"

OK, Angela, we saw a little bit off your Instagram earlier.

We saw this picture that you posted.

-Oh, yeah.

-Now, what is this about?

That's Noel Gallagher.

I was a big fan of Oasis, but mostly this is actually about his eyebrows.

Noel Gallagher has the most unbelievably beautiful eyebrows

I've ever seen and that's basically what that is.

Just letting everyone know, if you've got it, flaunt it.

So this is brow envy?

Brow envy.

Well, you'll be pleased to know that there is currently an app

which will allow you to be a little bit more like Noel.

This is called Browify.

-Oh, I like this.

-Yes.

Here it is.

It works quite well.

-So we put the face in.

-Oh, yeah, great.

-Here we go.

-Oh, I like the blue steel, yes!

-And then we...

-Oh, look at that!

We can do that one. We can do...

-Oh, there's Noel Gallagher!

-Now we're talking.

That actually really suits you. It's very Frankie Howerd, isn't it?

"Oh, titter ye not. Nay, nay. Oh, missus."

-There we go.

-That's brilliant.

-Do you want to have a little go at that?

-Yeah, OK, so how do you do it?

-OK, here we go.

-Oh, great.

No, I have to go closer, don't I?

OK, there we go.

I look like a convict!

This is how my passport photos look!

OK, next.

Right, unibrow.

Yes!

That's amazing!

Browify. Browify.

OK, Angela, you also watch these.

'Hello, my name is Maria.

'And I'm here to tell you about ASMR -

'Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response.

'It's a pleasant, tingling

'feeling that you experience when you hear unique, soft voices,

'or hear certain soothing sounds...'

-TAPPING

-'..such as tapping.

-SHE WHISPERS:

-'And this...

'toothbrush...

'..is small enough to brush this hair.'

Now, I'm very confused.

Is this meant to put me to sleep, or give me the horn?

It's kind of somebody doing very mundane,

normal things at a slowed-down pace,

so that your heart rate goes down, it relaxes you.

Can you imagine how annoying she'd be in an argument?

-SHE WHISPERS:

-I said...go fuck yourself.

You know what it's like whenever you're married with a baby.

-God, it's the worst.

-Everything in our house is whispered. It's...

HE WHISPERS: "Are you drunk again?

"If you waken that baby, I will cut your fucking balls off!"

I think what we should do is we should probably try this out.

So, please welcome to the show, via Skype, it's ASMR expert

Maria from GentleWhispering! CHEERING

Hi!

-Hi!

-Oh, my gosh!

So, Maria, can you tell us exactly what this is about?

Because we can't really work it out.

Can she see us?

-Yes!

-OK, sorry.

Yes, yes, I can see you guys. Thanks so much for having me.

I'm sorry, Maria, we just have to pause for a second

as we explain to Angela how Skype works.

-Sorry!

-Yes, thanks so much for having me.

As you can tell, I have a normal voice usually.

It's not as relaxing in real life.

Can I ask you something?

Did you have other jobs before? Like what...?

What did you used to do?

I used to be a receptionist in a medical supply store.

And could anybody hear you on the phone, or...?

You would be surprised, but actually sometimes, in customer service,

it's very good sometimes to lower down your voice

and the customer will match your voice this way

and they will relax, too.

And are you making money off it, is it, it's your job now, is it?

Yes, it is my full-time job now.

Well, good girl, I like that. Happy days.

I apologise, Maria, that is the most Irish question that anybody could

ask. "Tell me now, are you making a living at it?"

OK, so if I wanted to try this,

what type of things would I have to whisper?

Well, first of all, you have to relax yourself.

-OK.

-You have to find this calming voice in you,

like as if you were talking to the child.

-Yes.

-So you would exaggerate everything you're doing...

with your hands. Oh, wonderful.

I have a toy here, too. Let's do it together.

I love this woman!

So you take the brush. I don't have a toothbrush, I have a normal brush,

but that's OK, you know, it's workable.

My badger's a bit more sensitive.

And you would gently...

And you would try to exaggerate your movements,

-so you would brush it gently.

-Oh!

And you would whisper sweet nothings to him.

-Oh, lovely badger.

-Your hair is so soft.

HE WHISPERS: So soft.

This is how the BBC wants to get its reputation back?

You can let it pet you, too.

I like this, Maria.

I feel way more relaxed.

You're doing OK, you're doing OK.

Does it work if somebody else is the badger?

Yeah. You can try.

I think you'd really like to brush him and touch him and smell him.

No, it's OK, though. You can blow into his ear a little bit.

-Like a little...

-SHE BLOWS SOFTLY

Maria, I feel I am an expert, I can see this in my future.

Angela, thank you so much for introducing me to this.

Can we please give it up one more time for Maria?!

-Thank you, Maria!

-From GentleWhispering!

Bye!

Bye!

OK, next up it's your internet searches.

We'll start with you, Holly.

"Is Ken Hom big in the States?

"What's the difference between an accountant

"and a chartered accountant?" That's your...

Is it no holes barred, or no holds barred?

I thought it was no holds.

I thought it was no holes barred, like, any hole you can get into.

This is a good one.

What are those sticky, fluffy bug things

that you used to give out in the '80s?

They were like promotional toys.

Cos I was thinking I might get some made, so I spent ages googling it.

So it was a sticker, and you put it on the car

and it was a little fluffy creature with eyes?

Fluffy bugs with ribbons on the back.

-Yes!

-What are they called?

-They are called Weepuls.

-Can we see them?

-And we actually have some made up.

-Oh!

-There we go. There is your...

Delete Delete Delete Weepul. There we go. One for you.

-This is exactly what I'm talking about.

-That's brilliant.

One for everyone in the audience?

-This is basically the travel version of GentleWhispering.

-Yeah!

So wherever you go...

I love it!

Now, Angela, you also searched for this.

Tell us what this is.

So, I saw on YouTube that there's a woman who, like,

basically makes you do facial exercises.

And apparently, it makes your...

like, gives you cheekbones, if you do them.

I guess it's like...anything!

You know? You can't just watch the video

and then you have the cheekbones. You have to do what she says.

-Yes.

-Anyway, this seemed to me like perhaps a more novel way of

exercising your face.

So this is how it's done.

-There it is.

-Yeah. And you squeeze it, and I guess that makes you aware

that you have muscles in your face.

This one, she looks really like she's not enjoying herself.

OK. Well, look, we've actually managed to get some of these.

-Oh, wow!

-So let's give this a go.

I'm raging I haven't had this in my life for months!

-I've got one for you.

-Oh, yes!

-Oh, they're all this...

-If you want to give this a go.

-Wow!

They are very, very Mick Jagger!

# I can't get no...

# No, no, no! #

This works quite well.

And it gives you really good cheekbones.

Sing your song now!

# You don't have to say you love me

-ALL:

-# Just be close at hand

# You don't have to say you love me

# I will understand.

# Believe me, believe me. #

Paddy, Paddy? Give us a kiss.

Oh, God!

-Really good.

-"I can't believe she married that Irish twat"

is just one of the things the internet says about me.

But what does it say about our guests?

It's time for the part of the show we call

Things The Internet Says About You.

Let's start with Al.

Let's have a look at what the internet says about you.

"Al Porter should be excommunicated."

-I'm quite proud of that one.

-This comes from a tweet.

So this is from a Twitter user called Travellers Pics/News.

Yes, I love that account.

So people are calling for Al Porter to be excommunicated for his

blasphemy on Channel 5.

What did you say?

I mean, I was talking...

I mean, about the fact that I had had sex with a priest when I was 18.

I was writing for a religious magazine,

and I met a young priest and we hit it off.

-Is he still a priest?

-He's actually a bishop now, which is hilarious,

because if he follows that career trajectory, at that pace,

I'm going to have a sell-out Edinburgh show called

Al Porter, I Rode The Pope.

Then I think it's comments like that, Al, that got this next tweet.

-Yeah.

-"A gypsy curse placed on Al Porter for his comments about

"homosexual acts with a priest, now bishop."

What is a gypsy's curse?

Can you curse someone over Twitter?

-Is that a thing now? Is that modern cursing?

-I don't know.

I have no idea what's happening.

-Is it true you actually wanted to be a priest when you were...?

-Yes.

Yeah. I mean, I like the idea of two shows on Sunday and one on Saturday.

I think you would have made a great priest.

Yeah, I would have been a good priest

because I wouldn't have done mass, per se, probably just confession.

Just cos I love the gossip.

And I wouldn't believe in the anonymity of it, either.

Somebody would be going,

"Oh, Father, I'm thinking about riding my husband's brother,"

and I'd go, "Is that you, Margaret, you mad bitch?!"

You know what I mean? Have a laugh.

Moving swiftly on...

Let's have a little look at things the internet says about you, Angela.

"Angela Scanlon is a dancing champion."

-Ooh!

-Wow.

Now, is this a series of Strictly that we missed?

-No, no!

-What's going on there?

It's kind of dancing from the hips down. Irish dancing.

-Is that Irish dancing?

-Yeah.

-Like Riverdance?

Yeah. Well, more like ceilidh dancing.

And what standard did you get to?

It's quite a complex thing, but, like, I won the Worlds...

-Whoa!

-..as an under-13.

-World champion!

-It was quite a while ago, let's be honest.

Do you ever get drunk and start doing it at a nightclub?

-At weddings.

-At weddings?

-Oh, yeah?

-I once danced at my cousin's wedding

and there was quite a big deal made of me dancing.

I was the dancer. I was going to, you know, do a little jig, whatever.

And I had tights,

but I didn't pack my dancing shoes, which were leather and have quite a

decent grip on them,

and so I...I had also had quite a few drinks

cos I was really embarrassed and so I fell around 15 times

before they actually cut the music

because they thought I was going to kill myself.

And I would, like, literally throw my leg up in the air

and then land on my arse.

Cos the tights, there was no grip on the slippy floor.

But, you know, I just think it says a lot about my character

that I kept going until they literally dragged me out of there.

-So you can't just give it a go?

-You can, anyone can.

Anyone can? Like this woman here.

LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS

-Aw, bless. Oh...

-Ooh!

That looked like quite a violent fall.

It looked like quite a violent fall, but to be honest, bloody funny.

I used to have to Irish dance when we would go to...

-Oh, yeah.

-So you can actually dance?

-I think you should do it.

-I can give it a go.

-I think you and Angela could maybe...

Can maybe you guys show Holly and I a few steps?

Come on. Have a go.

If you want to... Come on.

Off you pop. There we go.

Al and Angela. We'll have a little bit of music and see what you can

rumble up for us.

We're going to do a one-two-three, OK? So, one, two, three.

One, two, three.

OK, and now, if we hold hands...

OK, and to the right.

Two, three, four, five, six, seven and a-one, two, three and a one...

And left, two, three, four, five...

-Twirl. Twirl, twirl, one, two, three.

-Oh, oh, oh, all right.

One, two, three. And now, oh, you know what we can do?

This is called a...

Right? Yeah. We'll do boy on girl.

OK, so, no. I'll show you together.

Get your hands like this.

So, you hold onto the elbow and you hold onto Holly's waist.

Now, hold on nice and tight, OK?

Right, are you ready? Cue the music.

-What are we doing?

-Three, two, one...go. Twirl.

-Oh, yeah!

-We'll just go like this.

-Whoo!

-Whoo! I think I've pulled a muscle.

All right, Paddy. All right. Very good.

The lift from Dirty Dancing! Here we go.

Jesus, Paddy! Hold on.

I can't get up. Are you all right down there?

Paddy, I'm trying to get up. Are you all right?

Hold on, Paddy. One second, I'll get you.

Turn off the television, don't let the kids see this.

Don't let the kids... Paddy, I'm stuck in your big mouth.

I think you need mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

-That's better. That's better, I'm back. I'm back.

-Oh, my God.

I'm back.

Oh, Jesus.

OK, that is all we've got time for tonight.

Thanks for being such good sports.

Give it up one more time for Angela Scanlon, Holly Walsh

and Al Porter.

-There you go, guys.

-Thank you.

And we will see you next time on Delete Delete Delete. Goodnight.