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It's Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live! | 0:00:21 | 0:00:25 | |
Please welcome your host, Kevin Bridges! | 0:00:25 | 0:00:29 | |
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING | 0:00:29 | 0:00:31 | |
Yeah! Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. | 0:00:35 | 0:00:39 | |
Good evening and welcome along to Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live. Yeah! | 0:00:39 | 0:00:44 | |
Has everybody had a good festival? Have you enjoyed it? Good Fringe? | 0:00:44 | 0:00:48 | |
It's been a good summer. I've enjoyed it a lot. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:51 | |
We've had a heat wave. It's been a scorcher in Scotland. | 0:00:51 | 0:00:54 | |
I love Scottish people when we get a scorcher. | 0:00:54 | 0:00:56 | |
We're not just content with a nice day. | 0:00:56 | 0:00:58 | |
We need to watch the weather, we need to watch the global weather | 0:00:58 | 0:01:01 | |
to see how we compared on the big league, innit? | 0:01:01 | 0:01:05 | |
Like to sit there and watch the results coming in. | 0:01:05 | 0:01:09 | |
I've heard my dad, I thought | 0:01:09 | 0:01:10 | |
my dad had a football coupon on this summer. | 0:01:10 | 0:01:13 | |
"We got a 23, Son. Only 2 behind Madeira. Yes!" | 0:01:13 | 0:01:16 | |
I went on holiday. I don't go mental holidays any more. | 0:01:19 | 0:01:22 | |
I went on holiday for a week this year. It was quite calm. | 0:01:22 | 0:01:25 | |
On my holiday this year, I just went to the water park. | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
Day one, got sunstroke, and then spent the next six days | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
lying on a pull-out couch watching Sky News. Eating the local crisps. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:36 | |
That was my holiday. | 0:01:36 | 0:01:38 | |
"I don't feel well, somebody go to the shop and get me | 0:01:38 | 0:01:40 | |
"a packet of Ruffles." | 0:01:40 | 0:01:42 | |
"Jamon flavour." | 0:01:44 | 0:01:46 | |
"You know what I'm like when I don't get my Jamon-flavoured Ruffles." | 0:01:48 | 0:01:52 | |
It's an easy way to depress the shit out of yourself, | 0:01:52 | 0:01:55 | |
watching Sky News for six days. | 0:01:55 | 0:01:57 | |
I just feel powerless, | 0:01:57 | 0:01:59 | |
the amount of bad stuff that's going on in the world. | 0:01:59 | 0:02:01 | |
We've just got too much access to information. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:04 | |
Wikileaks, the guy got 35 years. | 0:02:04 | 0:02:06 | |
I'm all for Wikileaks, but it's just stuff you kind of knew, isn't it? | 0:02:06 | 0:02:10 | |
"Wikileaks cables reveal inhumane conditions | 0:02:10 | 0:02:13 | |
"and torture at Guantanamo Bay." Well, thank God for Wikileaks. | 0:02:13 | 0:02:16 | |
I was fed up relying on TripAdvisor. | 0:02:16 | 0:02:19 | |
"We found the staff somewhat unpleasant." | 0:02:22 | 0:02:25 | |
"The room was a little cramped. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:27 | |
"18 of us in what was a twin at best." | 0:02:27 | 0:02:31 | |
Done a bit of travelling. Have we got tourists in? | 0:02:34 | 0:02:37 | |
Edinburgh Festival, it's a big tourist magnet. | 0:02:37 | 0:02:40 | |
-Who have we got? -SCATTERED WHOOPING | 0:02:40 | 0:02:42 | |
-Big guy there, who cheered, where are you from? -Glasgow. | 0:02:42 | 0:02:46 | |
-Glasgow, good to see you. -APPLAUSE AND CHEERING | 0:02:46 | 0:02:49 | |
People flocking from all over! | 0:02:54 | 0:02:56 | |
Anybody not from Scotland? | 0:02:58 | 0:03:00 | |
Inverness! | 0:03:00 | 0:03:02 | |
Inverness, right. | 0:03:02 | 0:03:05 | |
"Anybody not from Scotland?" | 0:03:05 | 0:03:07 | |
We got a guy from Inverness. | 0:03:07 | 0:03:08 | |
The People's Independent Republic of Inverness. | 0:03:08 | 0:03:13 | |
Who recently won their battle against the Scottish oppressor | 0:03:13 | 0:03:17 | |
to form a free state. | 0:03:17 | 0:03:20 | |
We're getting excited about that in Scotland, independence, | 0:03:20 | 0:03:23 | |
the referendum. We're letting 16-year-olds vote. | 0:03:23 | 0:03:27 | |
That'll secure a record number of spoiled ballot papers. | 0:03:27 | 0:03:31 | |
"Nicola Sturgeon loves the boaby." | 0:03:31 | 0:03:34 | |
We welcome...we welcome the tourists. I've done a bit of travelling. | 0:03:41 | 0:03:45 | |
I was in New York. I was in America for a week, I went over there. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:49 | |
You don't realise in the modern-day technology how much shite | 0:03:49 | 0:03:54 | |
you take photographs of until you go somewhere worth photographing. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:58 | |
I was in New York standing on top of the Empire State building, | 0:03:58 | 0:04:01 | |
deleting fry-ups. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:03 | |
"What means more to me, Ground Zero or that night I made fajitas?" | 0:04:07 | 0:04:12 | |
"It's been 12 years, and they were delicious." | 0:04:12 | 0:04:14 | |
I went into a clothes shop in New York called Abercrombie & Fitch. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:21 | |
You been there? Glasgow guy? Have you been there? | 0:04:21 | 0:04:24 | |
I never knew it was that kind of shop. It's for the beautiful people. | 0:04:24 | 0:04:28 | |
The staff... I don't mean that as a slant on you. | 0:04:28 | 0:04:31 | |
It is. The women staff, female staff are beautiful. | 0:04:33 | 0:04:36 | |
The guys, the male staff are topless, that's the thing. | 0:04:36 | 0:04:40 | |
These guys are ripped, they've got six-packs. | 0:04:40 | 0:04:42 | |
Stunning, Adonis looking guys. | 0:04:42 | 0:04:44 | |
I'm talking Peter Andre, Mysterious Girl video kind of guy. | 0:04:44 | 0:04:48 | |
He said to me, "Can I help you, sir?" | 0:04:48 | 0:04:51 | |
I'm straight, but I was blushing when he talked to me. | 0:04:51 | 0:04:54 | |
He said, "Can I help you, sir?" I thought it would be quite funny | 0:05:00 | 0:05:04 | |
to say, "I'm just here to hand in my CV." | 0:05:04 | 0:05:07 | |
So I got talking to the Abercrombie & Fitch guy. | 0:05:11 | 0:05:13 | |
I told him I was a soccer fan. | 0:05:13 | 0:05:15 | |
And he goes, "Yeah, you guys take soccer pretty serious, huh?" | 0:05:15 | 0:05:19 | |
He said, "Is it true that on soccer day in Scotland, | 0:05:19 | 0:05:23 | |
"if you walk into the wrong bar, | 0:05:23 | 0:05:25 | |
"and the other team's fans recognise you, | 0:05:25 | 0:05:28 | |
"that you're from the other side, that the main guy walks up to you | 0:05:28 | 0:05:32 | |
"and grabs you by the ears | 0:05:32 | 0:05:35 | |
"and he sucks on your eyeball?" | 0:05:35 | 0:05:37 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:05:37 | 0:05:41 | |
It would break my heart to deny that. | 0:05:41 | 0:05:44 | |
I said, "Tragic, mate, that that still goes on, 2013. | 0:05:45 | 0:05:50 | |
"Old Firm game, everybody sitting there with monocles in." | 0:05:50 | 0:05:54 | |
In the pub beforehand, "Get him, Kenny!" | 0:05:58 | 0:06:00 | |
SLURPS | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
"He's got contact lenses, the Fenian bastard!" | 0:06:02 | 0:06:05 | |
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING | 0:06:05 | 0:06:08 | |
We're kind of over football in Scotland. We're a tennis country. | 0:06:13 | 0:06:17 | |
Andy Murray, this year. | 0:06:17 | 0:06:19 | |
CHEERING | 0:06:19 | 0:06:21 | |
Listen to the enthusiasm in the room. | 0:06:21 | 0:06:23 | |
That's an achievement in itself, | 0:06:23 | 0:06:25 | |
getting Scottish people into tennis. | 0:06:25 | 0:06:27 | |
You can walk into mental pubs in Scotland | 0:06:27 | 0:06:30 | |
and see guys like that sitting arguing about the ATP Masters. | 0:06:30 | 0:06:34 | |
"You're gonnae sit there, Del, and you're gonnae tell me | 0:06:35 | 0:06:38 | |
"Nalbandian would beat Djokovic on clay?" | 0:06:38 | 0:06:40 | |
"Nah, you're a moron, mate. Moron." | 0:06:40 | 0:06:42 | |
Pubs have signs up saying "no tennis colours". | 0:06:44 | 0:06:47 | |
Are we up for a good night of live comedy, ladies and gentlemen? | 0:06:51 | 0:06:54 | |
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING | 0:06:54 | 0:06:56 | |
This first guy is a bit of a hero here at the Fringe. | 0:06:56 | 0:06:59 | |
His shows are consistently excellent, | 0:06:59 | 0:07:01 | |
and it's a pleasure to introduce him. | 0:07:01 | 0:07:02 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, let's go absolutely wild | 0:07:02 | 0:07:05 | |
and give it up for the wonderful Jason Byrne. | 0:07:05 | 0:07:08 | |
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING | 0:07:08 | 0:07:09 | |
It's such a great place, this, you know? | 0:07:22 | 0:07:25 | |
In my show, I was doing a show, and they're asking me in Ireland, | 0:07:25 | 0:07:28 | |
saying, "what are Scots like to gig for? I went, | 0:07:28 | 0:07:30 | |
"They're grand, they're good. Little bit edgy, little bit wooo! | 0:07:30 | 0:07:33 | |
"They're grand." And they go, "If you ask them stuff, will they answer? | 0:07:33 | 0:07:36 | |
"Will they help you?" I went, "Yeah, yeah, they're not too bad at that." | 0:07:36 | 0:07:40 | |
The first gig I had at the festival here, I looked down, | 0:07:40 | 0:07:43 | |
there was a big guy in the front row, | 0:07:43 | 0:07:45 | |
big Scottish guy, loads of tattoos, right? | 0:07:45 | 0:07:47 | |
He had them on him, he wasn't holding them, | 0:07:47 | 0:07:49 | |
he actually had them on him. | 0:07:49 | 0:07:51 | |
And so he was there, and then I looked around, and I said, | 0:07:51 | 0:07:54 | |
"Is there any Australians here? Anybody from Australia?" | 0:07:54 | 0:07:57 | |
There was four Australians in the corner. | 0:07:57 | 0:07:59 | |
And I went, "Where are you from?" | 0:07:59 | 0:08:01 | |
They said Canberra, Sydney, Perth and Adelaide. | 0:08:01 | 0:08:04 | |
I went, "Oh, brilliant." | 0:08:04 | 0:08:06 | |
So to throw the Scottish guy, I went, "What's the capital of Australia?" | 0:08:06 | 0:08:09 | |
thinking he'd say Sydney. And he looked at me and went, | 0:08:09 | 0:08:12 | |
"Who gives a shite?" | 0:08:12 | 0:08:14 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:14 | 0:08:17 | |
That's the kind of help you get off Scottish people. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:19 | |
"Dinnae give a shite. Don't care." | 0:08:19 | 0:08:22 | |
He even pointed at the area in case they didn't understand | 0:08:22 | 0:08:24 | |
who was saying it. He was going, "Who gives a shite? | 0:08:24 | 0:08:28 | |
"These four people here, | 0:08:28 | 0:08:29 | |
"I don't give a shite about your country, all right? | 0:08:29 | 0:08:33 | |
"Didn't know it was going to be a Q&A tonight. | 0:08:33 | 0:08:35 | |
"What the hell is going on?" | 0:08:35 | 0:08:37 | |
I was in England, you know, I live Ireland and I was going back | 0:08:37 | 0:08:40 | |
and forward all the time. That's what I do. | 0:08:40 | 0:08:44 | |
This time, I was in a sitcom | 0:08:44 | 0:08:46 | |
and I had to stay in England for about six months, right? | 0:08:46 | 0:08:48 | |
And all the English people here, well done, God bless you, | 0:08:48 | 0:08:51 | |
but your country is odd. It is an odd place, right? | 0:08:51 | 0:08:54 | |
And listen to this, Scotland, right? | 0:08:54 | 0:08:56 | |
In England, they have rules and they follow them! | 0:08:56 | 0:08:59 | |
Did you hear what I said? They follow them! I am not joking you. | 0:08:59 | 0:09:02 | |
They do as they're told all the time. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:04 | |
It's the weirdest shit you'll ever see in your life. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:07 | |
If there's a new arrow at the end of the road in England, | 0:09:07 | 0:09:10 | |
they'll follow it. No questions. | 0:09:10 | 0:09:11 | |
Immediately, they go, "There's an arrow! Fantastic. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:14 | |
"Don't know why, let's go this way." | 0:09:14 | 0:09:16 | |
"There's another arrow!" "Another arrow? "Doesn't matter. | 0:09:17 | 0:09:21 | |
"Very busy, must keep together, everybody follow the arrow." | 0:09:21 | 0:09:24 | |
Here, my God, in Scotland, you stick up an arrow and they go, | 0:09:24 | 0:09:28 | |
"I'm going this way. Not going that way! | 0:09:28 | 0:09:32 | |
"There's no way I'm going to follow that arrow, | 0:09:32 | 0:09:34 | |
"you pointy bastard! I'm going that way!" | 0:09:34 | 0:09:36 | |
"You have to follow the arrow." "I'm not following nothing! | 0:09:37 | 0:09:40 | |
"This is the way I'm going, all right?" | 0:09:40 | 0:09:42 | |
You go that way, and you fall down a manhole into a sewer. | 0:09:42 | 0:09:45 | |
The Scottish person is going, "This is the way I was going anyway! | 0:09:45 | 0:09:48 | |
"It doesn't matter!" | 0:09:48 | 0:09:51 | |
"I actually wanted to go through the sewer, just walking through shite!" | 0:09:51 | 0:09:54 | |
Just for pure spite, you won't get out the sewer. | 0:09:56 | 0:09:58 | |
"I love shite, I love walking in shite! In the dark! | 0:09:58 | 0:10:02 | |
"Bloody arrow! Argh!" | 0:10:02 | 0:10:05 | |
But, yeah, you know. So the rules here are weird. | 0:10:07 | 0:10:10 | |
You're like Ireland, you're just like, whatever. | 0:10:10 | 0:10:13 | |
So at the start, I brought a show up here, and I had a load of props. | 0:10:13 | 0:10:18 | |
And they were coming up from England, so we brought them in. | 0:10:18 | 0:10:22 | |
And whatever ones I wasn't going to use, | 0:10:22 | 0:10:24 | |
we had to send them back to England. | 0:10:24 | 0:10:26 | |
So my English agents went, "OK, we're going to send DHL | 0:10:26 | 0:10:29 | |
"to go and collect your props. And by the way, will you weigh them | 0:10:29 | 0:10:32 | |
"and see how much they weigh exactly, and how big they are, | 0:10:32 | 0:10:35 | |
"cos DHL won't take them," right? | 0:10:35 | 0:10:36 | |
I went, "I'm in Scotland. They're not going to give a shite, seriously. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:40 | |
"Do I have to really do that? They went, "Yes, you will." | 0:10:40 | 0:10:44 | |
In England, if the box is 23 kilos, and it goes over, | 0:10:44 | 0:10:47 | |
DHL will not collect it, right? | 0:10:47 | 0:10:50 | |
So basically, this is what happened. | 0:10:50 | 0:10:52 | |
I'm in this house, has a little driveway, and this guy comes up. | 0:10:52 | 0:10:55 | |
The car's not even marked, I don't know who he is. | 0:10:55 | 0:10:58 | |
Just beeping, the driver, just going BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP! | 0:10:58 | 0:11:01 | |
Get out of the car and goes, "All right? DHL?" | 0:11:01 | 0:11:04 | |
No markings on the car. I go, "What's going on, no markings on the car?" | 0:11:05 | 0:11:09 | |
"Ah, the van is knackered." | 0:11:09 | 0:11:12 | |
And I said, "OK." He said, "Where's the stuff?" | 0:11:13 | 0:11:16 | |
I said, "There it is, there. But I didn't weigh it." | 0:11:16 | 0:11:19 | |
And he goes, "Who gives a shite?" | 0:11:19 | 0:11:20 | |
He filled up the back of the car, right, and I said, | 0:11:22 | 0:11:25 | |
"Do you want the address?" | 0:11:25 | 0:11:26 | |
He goes, "No, I don't, they can deal with that in the warehouse." | 0:11:26 | 0:11:29 | |
And he pissed off! | 0:11:29 | 0:11:31 | |
I haven't a clue where me stuff is. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:34 | |
It's been over three weeks now, it still hasn't arrived. | 0:11:34 | 0:11:37 | |
Edinburgh, thanks for having us, good night. Have a good time. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:42 | |
See you later. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING | 0:11:42 | 0:11:46 | |
Give it up for Jason Byrne! | 0:11:48 | 0:11:49 | |
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING | 0:11:49 | 0:11:52 | |
Another Fringe favourite coming up, give it up for Andrew Lawrence! | 0:11:53 | 0:11:57 | |
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING | 0:11:57 | 0:12:01 | |
Thank you very much. Thank you. Very nice to be back in Edinburgh. | 0:12:04 | 0:12:09 | |
I got the train up this year for the Festival for the first time. | 0:12:09 | 0:12:13 | |
Don't know about you, I think there's nothing creepier in this world | 0:12:13 | 0:12:16 | |
when you're in a completely empty train carriage, | 0:12:16 | 0:12:19 | |
someone gets on and sits down right next to you. | 0:12:19 | 0:12:22 | |
I should really stop doing it, but I'm just so lonely. | 0:12:22 | 0:12:25 | |
Got a mixed audience. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:28 | |
All the couples then, give me a cheer, couples, if you're in love? | 0:12:28 | 0:12:32 | |
CHEERING | 0:12:32 | 0:12:34 | |
RETCHES | 0:12:34 | 0:12:37 | |
Anyone going out with someone uglier than them? | 0:12:37 | 0:12:39 | |
CHEERING AND LAUGHTER | 0:12:39 | 0:12:41 | |
That's a few people. It's the best policy. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:44 | |
If you go out with someone better-looking, you can't relax. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:47 | |
The whole time, you're on edge, trying to be better than you are, | 0:12:47 | 0:12:51 | |
thinking they're just going to run off with someone else. | 0:12:51 | 0:12:53 | |
Eventually they do. But if you go out with someone uglier, do what you like. | 0:12:53 | 0:12:56 | |
Just walk around the house all day in your underpants, | 0:12:56 | 0:12:59 | |
food smeared all over your face. | 0:12:59 | 0:13:01 | |
"Andrew, can you put some trousers on, please?" | 0:13:01 | 0:13:04 | |
"What are you going to do if I don't?" | 0:13:04 | 0:13:06 | |
"Going to leave you." "Good luck with that! | 0:13:06 | 0:13:10 | |
"We both know that's just going to end with you dying alone." I think... | 0:13:10 | 0:13:14 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:14 | 0:13:16 | |
I think it's geographical, ugliness, isn't it? | 0:13:16 | 0:13:19 | |
In London, I'm properly ugly. | 0:13:19 | 0:13:21 | |
London seems to attract young, glamorous, ambitious people. | 0:13:21 | 0:13:25 | |
I'm walking around London, I'm a creepy-faced little man. | 0:13:25 | 0:13:27 | |
The further north you go, things improve. Nottingham, I'm average. | 0:13:27 | 0:13:32 | |
Hull, above average. | 0:13:32 | 0:13:35 | |
If I make it all the way to Aberdeen, I know you don't want to hear this, | 0:13:35 | 0:13:37 | |
Scotland, the truth is I'm practically a male model. | 0:13:37 | 0:13:40 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:40 | 0:13:43 | |
I've got a friend who's blind. | 0:13:43 | 0:13:45 | |
Every time I see him, he's got some new girlfriend with him, | 0:13:45 | 0:13:48 | |
and they're always stunningly attractive. | 0:13:48 | 0:13:50 | |
I think, "What's the point? How selfish!" | 0:13:50 | 0:13:53 | |
By all means go out with someone fragrant-smelling | 0:13:53 | 0:13:56 | |
with a wonderful personality. | 0:13:56 | 0:13:57 | |
Don't go out with someone good-looking, you can't see them! | 0:13:57 | 0:14:00 | |
Your eyes don't work, do they? Come on. If I was deaf in both ears, | 0:14:00 | 0:14:02 | |
I wouldn't go out with a French lady. What's the point in me | 0:14:02 | 0:14:05 | |
going out with someone with the world's filthiest accent | 0:14:05 | 0:14:08 | |
if I can't even hear it? | 0:14:08 | 0:14:09 | |
If I was deaf in both ears, I'd at least have the common decency | 0:14:09 | 0:14:12 | |
to go out with someone from Birmingham or...South Africa. | 0:14:12 | 0:14:17 | |
That's the least alluring accent. | 0:14:17 | 0:14:19 | |
I defy anyone anywhere to be seduced by a South African accent. | 0:14:19 | 0:14:23 | |
SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT: I was on the other side of the room. | 0:14:23 | 0:14:27 | |
I wondered whether you might want to come to my bed-and-breakfast, | 0:14:27 | 0:14:30 | |
have some sort of sexual intercourse of some description. | 0:14:30 | 0:14:32 | |
Possibly, perhaps. Say yes. I have a gun. I will shoot you in the face. | 0:14:32 | 0:14:37 | |
I don't want to offend anyone tonight. I want to be careful not to. | 0:14:40 | 0:14:43 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:43 | 0:14:45 | |
You've got to be careful. People are offended by different things. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:50 | |
Some people say you shouldn't make jokes about fat people. | 0:14:50 | 0:14:53 | |
I think it depends on context. | 0:14:53 | 0:14:55 | |
If you say to a fat person, can I make jokes about you, | 0:14:55 | 0:14:57 | |
they'd probably say, "No, how dare you, who do you think you are?" | 0:14:57 | 0:15:01 | |
If you say to a fat person "Can I make jokes about you | 0:15:01 | 0:15:03 | |
"if I give you this biscuit?" they'd probably be fine with it. | 0:15:03 | 0:15:07 | |
Got to keep it clean tonight. It's going out on the television. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:12 | |
It's pretty bleak seeing yourself on television. You see yourself from an outside perspective. | 0:15:12 | 0:15:17 | |
You see yourself as other people see you. | 0:15:17 | 0:15:19 | |
"Oh, that's me, is it? How disappointing. Barely human. | 0:15:19 | 0:15:21 | |
"I look like I've been crafted out of pate. Look at me. | 0:15:21 | 0:15:24 | |
"My head looks like a discount leftover Halloween pumpkin | 0:15:24 | 0:15:26 | |
"that has been kicked around someone's garden, | 0:15:26 | 0:15:29 | |
"trampled all over and left to rot in the sun. | 0:15:29 | 0:15:32 | |
"Look at me. I looked like I've been sent down from outer space to invade | 0:15:32 | 0:15:35 | |
"the earth with ropey comedy." | 0:15:35 | 0:15:36 | |
Honestly, seeing myself on television I'm appalled, disgusted, repulsed. | 0:15:36 | 0:15:40 | |
Most of all I'm slightly afraid to switch off in case it somehow | 0:15:40 | 0:15:44 | |
affects the ratings. It's not a healthy mindset, is it? | 0:15:44 | 0:15:47 | |
I wish I could make a big entrance, come on stage. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:50 | |
I shuffle on a bit awkward, embarrassed. | 0:15:50 | 0:15:52 | |
I wish I could glide on with an arrogant swagger. | 0:15:52 | 0:15:55 | |
There's too much arrogance in the world. When I meet someone who is a full of themselves, | 0:15:55 | 0:15:58 | |
I think, "What have you got to be so pleased about. You don't know what | 0:15:58 | 0:16:01 | |
"you're doing in this world. You don't know what's going to happen. | 0:16:01 | 0:16:04 | |
"You don't know what I'm thinking. You don't know what anyone else is thinking. | 0:16:04 | 0:16:08 | |
"All you know is one day somewhere, somehow you're going to die. | 0:16:08 | 0:16:11 | |
"Your sphincter will loosen, probably going to soil yourself, some poor blokes will have to come along | 0:16:11 | 0:16:16 | |
"and clean up the mess, probably for minimum wage. | 0:16:16 | 0:16:18 | |
"I suggest you take the smug grin off your face, | 0:16:18 | 0:16:20 | |
"the narcissistic twinkle out of your eye, and adopt | 0:16:20 | 0:16:23 | |
"an embarrassed expression of fear, trepidation and self-loathing. | 0:16:23 | 0:16:26 | |
"You're the same as everyone else. Death is coming for you. | 0:16:26 | 0:16:29 | |
"When it comes, it's bringing indignity." | 0:16:29 | 0:16:31 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:16:31 | 0:16:34 | |
I like to think, once the comedy work dries up, | 0:16:38 | 0:16:41 | |
I'm going to have a successful career as a motivational speaker. | 0:16:41 | 0:16:44 | |
That's the way forward for me. You've been lovely. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:47 | |
You've got a phenomenal evening ahead of you. Have a wonderful time. Good night. | 0:16:47 | 0:16:50 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:16:50 | 0:16:53 | |
Give it up for Andrew Lawrence. | 0:16:57 | 0:16:59 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:16:59 | 0:17:01 | |
This next guy is fantastic. I toured with him last year. | 0:17:03 | 0:17:06 | |
He is a mate of mine. Give it up for the superb Neil Delamere. | 0:17:06 | 0:17:08 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:17:08 | 0:17:10 | |
Hello, Edinburgh. It's a pleasure to be back | 0:17:13 | 0:17:16 | |
and talk to audiences who are so unbelievably responsive. | 0:17:16 | 0:17:20 | |
I had a guy who is a paramedic in the front row last week. | 0:17:20 | 0:17:23 | |
Because I'm a child, I said "have you ever pulled anything | 0:17:23 | 0:17:26 | |
"out of anybody's bottom?" | 0:17:26 | 0:17:28 | |
And he went, "Oh, not at work." | 0:17:28 | 0:17:30 | |
His wife went, "Arghh!" I couldn't look at the two of them | 0:17:31 | 0:17:34 | |
in the eye for the rest of the gig. It's an awful affliction. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:37 | |
You can't talk about that area of the body. You have to be very careful. | 0:17:37 | 0:17:41 | |
Gerry Adams, the President of Sinn Fein, we all know Gerry Adams. | 0:17:41 | 0:17:44 | |
He had a prostate operation recently in America. | 0:17:44 | 0:17:47 | |
People went, "Who paid for it?" That is not the issue. | 0:17:47 | 0:17:51 | |
Somebody had to anaesthetise Gerry Adams. | 0:17:51 | 0:17:54 | |
Which means you have to get the patient to count backwards. | 0:17:54 | 0:17:58 | |
How terrifying... | 0:18:00 | 0:18:04 | |
..would it be to be in the room with Gerry Adams, looking at you, | 0:18:05 | 0:18:10 | |
going, "Five, four, three..." | 0:18:10 | 0:18:16 | |
You would kack yourself. | 0:18:16 | 0:18:17 | |
Last time I was in Edinburgh, I went to a football match. | 0:18:22 | 0:18:25 | |
I was frisked walking in. That freaked me out. | 0:18:25 | 0:18:27 | |
I've never been frisked going into a match in my life. | 0:18:27 | 0:18:30 | |
I go to Gaelic sports in Ireland. | 0:18:30 | 0:18:32 | |
You can bring anything into a Gaelic games ground. | 0:18:32 | 0:18:35 | |
You could bring a javelin into Croke Park Stadium. What's wrong with that? | 0:18:35 | 0:18:39 | |
My umbrella is broken. | 0:18:39 | 0:18:40 | |
Why are you bringing a pointed stick? There might be cocktail sausages. | 0:18:42 | 0:18:45 | |
Get one for me. I will get one for you. | 0:18:49 | 0:18:52 | |
I walk in and he frisks me. All I have on me is a fruit snack pack. | 0:18:52 | 0:18:55 | |
From Sainsbury's. It's just slices of an apple. | 0:18:55 | 0:18:57 | |
He says, "You can't bring that in." I say "Why not?" | 0:18:57 | 0:19:00 | |
"Because an apple can be used as a weapon." | 0:19:00 | 0:19:03 | |
I said, "I'd like to see you in Helmand province." | 0:19:03 | 0:19:07 | |
"Some lad shooting at you | 0:19:08 | 0:19:10 | |
"and you hoof a Golden Delicious at the side of his face." | 0:19:10 | 0:19:13 | |
"Besides, it's not an apple, is it? It's slices of an apple. | 0:19:14 | 0:19:19 | |
"What do you think I'm going to do? | 0:19:19 | 0:19:21 | |
"Smuggle in the individual parts of an apple and then painstakingly | 0:19:21 | 0:19:25 | |
"reassemble it, make a simple sniper rifle and kill somebody?" | 0:19:25 | 0:19:29 | |
"You might, mate." "What are you talking about?! | 0:19:33 | 0:19:35 | |
"You're selling burgers upstairs. That's a bit of a risk. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:38 | |
"How do you know no-one stitched them back together to form | 0:19:38 | 0:19:40 | |
"an angry bullock and herded it onto the pitch? What will happen then?" | 0:19:40 | 0:19:44 | |
He goes, "I don't know." No-one's ever thrown an apple at a football match. | 0:19:44 | 0:19:47 | |
What was thrown at Luis Figo when he went from Barca to Real Madrid? | 0:19:47 | 0:19:51 | |
Any of you know? A pig's head. | 0:19:51 | 0:19:53 | |
Even that day, when the perfect accompaniment... | 0:19:53 | 0:19:56 | |
..to the pig's head would have been an apple. No-one threw an apple. | 0:20:02 | 0:20:05 | |
I'd love to throw an apple at a football match. Man United - Liverpool. | 0:20:05 | 0:20:08 | |
Hoof it onto the pitch. David Moyes wouldn't know what it was because he is Scottish, | 0:20:08 | 0:20:14 | |
it's fruit, it's not part of your diet. Let's be honest. | 0:20:14 | 0:20:17 | |
Luis Suarez would take a massive bite out of the apple. | 0:20:17 | 0:20:19 | |
Wayne Rooney would hear a Granny Smith was nearby and try to shag it. | 0:20:19 | 0:20:23 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:20:23 | 0:20:25 | |
What did I do? I ate the apple. That's what normal people do. | 0:20:30 | 0:20:32 | |
You consume it because you don't want to waste it. | 0:20:32 | 0:20:35 | |
It's the same reason you see people drinking three litres of water at the | 0:20:35 | 0:20:38 | |
airport when you can only get hundred millilitres through the checkpoint. | 0:20:38 | 0:20:42 | |
Have you seen that? "That's too big to bring through." | 0:20:42 | 0:20:45 | |
"Well, screw you. I don't even want this. I don't even want it. | 0:20:45 | 0:20:48 | |
"I'm going to have to have a piss to make room. | 0:20:48 | 0:20:50 | |
"My liver is floating above my lungs." | 0:20:50 | 0:20:52 | |
"I feel a little bit bloated." "Stop drinking it." | 0:20:54 | 0:20:56 | |
"I'm not giving that prick the satisfaction." | 0:20:56 | 0:20:59 | |
Which is fine for water. | 0:21:00 | 0:21:02 | |
My friend used up all his deodorant at the checkpoint one day. | 0:21:02 | 0:21:06 | |
It was the size of a Shetland pony. | 0:21:06 | 0:21:07 | |
"You can't bring that in." "Well, screw you." | 0:21:07 | 0:21:10 | |
HE MIMICS A SPRAY CAN | 0:21:10 | 0:21:12 | |
He's mental. It was a roll-on. | 0:21:20 | 0:21:22 | |
Two white patches over a black leather jacket. | 0:21:24 | 0:21:26 | |
He looked like a dairy cow. Someone tried to milk him in the duty-free. | 0:21:26 | 0:21:30 | |
He didn't care. He didn't sweat for two and a half weeks. | 0:21:30 | 0:21:32 | |
His own row of seats on the Ryanair plane. | 0:21:32 | 0:21:35 | |
He shouldn't have been let on the plane. | 0:21:35 | 0:21:37 | |
He was flammable at this point. You shouldn't be let on. | 0:21:37 | 0:21:40 | |
Don't you laugh. Two sniffer dogs died of solvent abuse that day. | 0:21:40 | 0:21:44 | |
But he stood up to authority. I never stand up to authority. | 0:21:45 | 0:21:49 | |
My girlfriend is the authority in our house. I'll give you a tip. | 0:21:49 | 0:21:53 | |
Never do this. I'll leave you with this. She roared at me the other day. | 0:21:53 | 0:21:56 | |
"Have you ever cleaned out the lint drawer... | 0:21:56 | 0:21:58 | |
"..of the dryer?" | 0:22:00 | 0:22:02 | |
I said I didn't know we could keep chocolate in the dryer. | 0:22:04 | 0:22:08 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:22:09 | 0:22:11 | |
You've been a pleasure to talk to. Bye-bye. | 0:22:11 | 0:22:15 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:22:15 | 0:22:16 | |
Give it up for Neil Delamere. | 0:22:20 | 0:22:24 | |
Let's keep it going. Next act. Give it up for Charlie Baker. | 0:22:24 | 0:22:30 | |
Hello. Good evening. Edinburgh. Nice to see you. | 0:22:34 | 0:22:37 | |
Let's get one thing out of the way. What a lovely-looking man. | 0:22:37 | 0:22:40 | |
Yeah, I know. Lovely, lovely. Lost a bit of weight. | 0:22:44 | 0:22:47 | |
I've been on the five and two diet. Anyone done that? | 0:22:47 | 0:22:50 | |
I have five sausages when I should only have two. | 0:22:50 | 0:22:52 | |
I had a haircut. I was in the hairdresser's | 0:22:54 | 0:22:57 | |
and there was a woman next to me getting hair extensions. | 0:22:57 | 0:23:01 | |
I don't understand people doing stuff to themselves like that. | 0:23:01 | 0:23:04 | |
I don't understand hair extensions. | 0:23:04 | 0:23:07 | |
I know you're not doing it to try to attract the opposite sex | 0:23:07 | 0:23:10 | |
but if you are, I think you're wasting your time. | 0:23:10 | 0:23:13 | |
I've never met a bloke who's gone, "I really love her. Really love her. | 0:23:13 | 0:23:17 | |
"I just wish her hair was longer, instantly. Just like overnight." | 0:23:17 | 0:23:21 | |
Then she tried to tidy my eyebrows up. | 0:23:23 | 0:23:26 | |
She said, "Can I tidy your eyebrows up?" I don't let anyone do that to me. | 0:23:26 | 0:23:30 | |
I tell you why. Here's a question. Who likes sex? Yes. | 0:23:30 | 0:23:33 | |
Lady there put her hand up. It's not an auction. | 0:23:36 | 0:23:38 | |
One, two, three, six and nine. | 0:23:39 | 0:23:42 | |
I like sex. I think I'm pretty brilliant at it. | 0:23:45 | 0:23:48 | |
Last time I was in Edinburgh I had a one-night stand. | 0:23:48 | 0:23:55 | |
Because I was...lonely. Pretty lonely. It was with this woman. | 0:23:56 | 0:24:03 | |
What she decided to do to herself, | 0:24:03 | 0:24:05 | |
she decided to pluck all her eyebrows out, all of them. | 0:24:05 | 0:24:12 | |
And then draw them back on with a pencil. | 0:24:12 | 0:24:14 | |
I don't understand why you'd do that. | 0:24:17 | 0:24:19 | |
She wasn't one these people doing it in a shopping centre. | 0:24:19 | 0:24:23 | |
I see people doing that. It wasn't one of those. | 0:24:23 | 0:24:25 | |
She'd taken off and drawn them on. Why would you do this? | 0:24:25 | 0:24:29 | |
I'd like to be there when it happens. I'd like to see the process. | 0:24:29 | 0:24:32 | |
I'd like to see the... Just tidy these up. | 0:24:32 | 0:24:34 | |
Just even it up. | 0:24:43 | 0:24:45 | |
No. | 0:24:49 | 0:24:51 | |
Oh, God. | 0:24:57 | 0:24:59 | |
In for a penny. | 0:25:03 | 0:25:05 | |
Not quite the look I was going for. | 0:25:12 | 0:25:14 | |
Let's draw them on with a crayon. there we go. | 0:25:15 | 0:25:18 | |
We went back to her flat for a beautiful night of love. | 0:25:19 | 0:25:23 | |
I woke up next to her the next morning. I looked over her. I was... | 0:25:23 | 0:25:26 | |
I was looking at her and they'd come off. | 0:25:30 | 0:25:33 | |
It was like lying next to Voldemort or something. | 0:25:33 | 0:25:36 | |
I couldn't see them. I thought they might be on the pillow. | 0:25:38 | 0:25:41 | |
I couldn't see them. I thought, "I'm getting out of here. I'm a gentleman." | 0:25:41 | 0:25:45 | |
Anyway... | 0:25:45 | 0:25:47 | |
I kicked off the covers and got out of bed. | 0:25:47 | 0:25:50 | |
I caught myself in the mirror on the way out. They were on me. | 0:25:50 | 0:25:53 | |
Like I need more eyebrows. | 0:25:53 | 0:25:56 | |
I've got four, she's got none. | 0:25:57 | 0:25:58 | |
I caught myself in the mirror and was a bit shocked. I went, "Ooh." | 0:26:00 | 0:26:04 | |
This woke her up. She said, "Surprised you're still here." | 0:26:04 | 0:26:11 | |
I said, "I couldn't tell." | 0:26:11 | 0:26:13 | |
That's me. Thanks a lot, ladies and gentlemen. Cheerio. Good night. | 0:26:16 | 0:26:20 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:26:20 | 0:26:21 | |
Give it up for Charlie Baker. | 0:26:24 | 0:26:28 | |
This woman is building herself a fantastic reputation. | 0:26:28 | 0:26:31 | |
One of the sharpest comedians on the circuit. | 0:26:31 | 0:26:33 | |
Give it up for the wonderful Roisin Conaty. | 0:26:33 | 0:26:36 | |
Hello. | 0:26:39 | 0:26:41 | |
You seem like a lovely crowd. My name is Roisin. | 0:26:42 | 0:26:45 | |
I come from a massive Irish family. | 0:26:45 | 0:26:47 | |
I spend a lot of time with my 85-year-old Irish grandmother. | 0:26:47 | 0:26:51 | |
She is good for material, if nothing else. | 0:26:51 | 0:26:53 | |
She decided she was getting her passport renewed, even though | 0:26:53 | 0:26:57 | |
she hasn't left the country in the last 15 years. | 0:26:57 | 0:27:00 | |
She went and got her photos done and phoned my entire family. | 0:27:00 | 0:27:03 | |
IRISH ACCENT: "My face doesn't look right. There's something wrong with | 0:27:03 | 0:27:07 | |
"my face in these photos. My face looks very strange." | 0:27:07 | 0:27:10 | |
I was sent down to check why her face looked strange in these photos. | 0:27:10 | 0:27:13 | |
I went down. I went to her house. She showed me the photos. | 0:27:13 | 0:27:16 | |
You know when you go into the passport photo machine, you can choose the backgrounds? | 0:27:16 | 0:27:21 | |
My nan was sat in the middle of the Manchester United football team. | 0:27:21 | 0:27:25 | |
Like some wrinkly little mascot. | 0:27:26 | 0:27:28 | |
But when I pointed it out to her, | 0:27:28 | 0:27:30 | |
she didn't quite understand the technology. | 0:27:30 | 0:27:32 | |
She was acting like she'd been quantum leaped. | 0:27:32 | 0:27:35 | |
"Who are these men? When did it happen?" | 0:27:35 | 0:27:37 | |
She was embarrassed. She phoned me up a few days later. | 0:27:38 | 0:27:42 | |
"You're laughing, you think I'm stupid. | 0:27:42 | 0:27:45 | |
"Let me tell you this. The same thing happened to my friend Rita | 0:27:45 | 0:27:48 | |
"and she's only 73." I said, "What happened to Rita?" | 0:27:48 | 0:27:50 | |
"Didn't she end up in Postman Pat's van?" | 0:27:50 | 0:27:52 | |
The thing is, Rita made it to the passport agency. | 0:27:56 | 0:28:00 | |
The cat's not even mine. It must've snuck in. | 0:28:00 | 0:28:03 | |
I can't bring him to the Canary Islands. | 0:28:03 | 0:28:05 | |
I'm a very unhealthy person. Have we got smokers in? | 0:28:08 | 0:28:10 | |
CHEERING | 0:28:10 | 0:28:11 | |
At the back. | 0:28:11 | 0:28:13 | |
I'm a smoker. I hate being a smoker. | 0:28:13 | 0:28:15 | |
For a long time I convinced myself, "I enjoy a fag, though." | 0:28:15 | 0:28:18 | |
There's a point in your life when you realise you're just an addict. | 0:28:18 | 0:28:22 | |
I've got no say in it. We're demonised. | 0:28:22 | 0:28:24 | |
I hate the way the Government treats smokers. They sell us fags and patronise us. | 0:28:24 | 0:28:28 | |
Every year they come out like, "We're raising the price of cigarettes to deter the smoker." | 0:28:28 | 0:28:32 | |
It's like, no, when you raise the price of cigarettes, all you're doing is making poor people not buy fruit. | 0:28:32 | 0:28:38 | |
That's all that happens. | 0:28:38 | 0:28:40 | |
"Sorry, how much were those fags? Put those apples back, Gary." | 0:28:40 | 0:28:44 | |
We're sold the idea healthy people are happier. I joined a gym. I don't belong there. | 0:28:44 | 0:28:48 | |
You know those men in the gym who've lifted weights for so long | 0:28:48 | 0:28:52 | |
they can't put their arms where they're meant to be? | 0:28:52 | 0:28:55 | |
They've lifted weights for so long they've made their arms curly. | 0:28:55 | 0:28:59 | |
And they look as happy as a pig in shit. | 0:28:59 | 0:29:01 | |
That's their life choice. Every day, that's how they get happier. | 0:29:01 | 0:29:05 | |
"God, my arms nearly touched my sides, get down the gym!" | 0:29:05 | 0:29:08 | |
Mate, what's all this in aid for? | 0:29:08 | 0:29:10 | |
We've got JCBs, we don't need this. | 0:29:10 | 0:29:12 | |
What are you doing this to yourself for? | 0:29:12 | 0:29:15 | |
It's gone mad how much time we put into our appearance. | 0:29:15 | 0:29:18 | |
People are bleaching their own bum holes, guys! | 0:29:18 | 0:29:21 | |
Do you know that? You do now. | 0:29:21 | 0:29:23 | |
Literally looking for happiness up their own arseholes. | 0:29:23 | 0:29:27 | |
I mean, OK, they came for the boobs, I said nothing. | 0:29:27 | 0:29:32 | |
They came for the vaginas, with their glittery wand sticks. | 0:29:32 | 0:29:35 | |
I don't know why people got scared of vaginas in the last five years. | 0:29:35 | 0:29:39 | |
"Oh, God, take it off, colour it in, give it some eyes, put glitter on it, make it talk!" | 0:29:39 | 0:29:44 | |
Trying to turn the vagina into a play pen. It's not a play pen, it's a bloody cathedral. | 0:29:44 | 0:29:49 | |
Keep out of it! | 0:29:49 | 0:29:52 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:29:52 | 0:29:53 | |
When you come for the bum hole, I've got something to say. | 0:29:53 | 0:29:56 | |
Firstly, most of us are still looking for happiness in the traditional areas - | 0:29:56 | 0:30:02 | |
our families, our jobs, our relationships, you know. | 0:30:02 | 0:30:06 | |
How good is everything in your life that you have to go looking for something to blame your malaise on? | 0:30:06 | 0:30:12 | |
"No, I don't feel right. You know when you just don't feel right... | 0:30:12 | 0:30:15 | |
"Hang on a minute! | 0:30:15 | 0:30:17 | |
"I knew it - my arse is too arse-coloured." | 0:30:17 | 0:30:20 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, you've been lovely. Enjoy the rest of your show. | 0:30:23 | 0:30:27 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:30:27 | 0:30:31 | |
Give it up for Roisin Conaty! | 0:30:31 | 0:30:33 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:30:33 | 0:30:35 | |
I'm going to keep it moving on. This next guy is an incredibly talented comic. | 0:30:35 | 0:30:40 | |
He's a bit of a joke machine, you'll have seen him on Mock The Week. | 0:30:40 | 0:30:44 | |
Give it up, please, for Gary Delaney. | 0:30:44 | 0:30:46 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:30:46 | 0:30:50 | |
Hello, Edinburgh. | 0:30:53 | 0:30:55 | |
CHEERING | 0:30:55 | 0:30:56 | |
I took a poll recently and 100% of people | 0:30:56 | 0:30:59 | |
were quite annoyed that their tent had fallen down. | 0:30:59 | 0:31:02 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:31:02 | 0:31:04 | |
I'm still a bit shaken up. I was involved in quite a violent mugging the other day. | 0:31:08 | 0:31:12 | |
But on the plus side, I did make a few quid. | 0:31:12 | 0:31:15 | |
I had a vindaloo last night and today my arse really stings. | 0:31:17 | 0:31:21 | |
Couldn't afford to pay the bill and the chef bummed me. | 0:31:21 | 0:31:24 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:31:24 | 0:31:26 | |
I appreciate that is a very immature and childish joke. | 0:31:28 | 0:31:32 | |
And there's a reason for that - I'm very immature and childish. | 0:31:32 | 0:31:35 | |
So, sorry about that. | 0:31:35 | 0:31:37 | |
It's not even true. I actually had beef stew with dumplings. | 0:31:37 | 0:31:40 | |
Shouldn't call her that, but she's a big girl. | 0:31:40 | 0:31:43 | |
The doctor told me to lose some weight. I say, "How?" He said, "Don't eat anything fatty." | 0:31:47 | 0:31:52 | |
I said, "What, pies, chips, that kind of thing?" | 0:31:52 | 0:31:54 | |
He said, "No, just don't eat anything, Fatty." | 0:31:54 | 0:31:57 | |
I'm not very good at dwarf impressions. | 0:32:03 | 0:32:06 | |
Still, heigh-ho! | 0:32:06 | 0:32:08 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:32:08 | 0:32:11 | |
I've got two kids, Jane and Emma. | 0:32:13 | 0:32:15 | |
Sadly, they do both get bullied at school. | 0:32:15 | 0:32:17 | |
I can't make it stop, but I can help them learn to rise above it. | 0:32:17 | 0:32:21 | |
So the other day I said, "Look, boys..." | 0:32:21 | 0:32:24 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:32:24 | 0:32:26 | |
This morning I made a Belgian waffle. | 0:32:28 | 0:32:30 | |
In the afternoon I made a Frenchman talk bollocks. | 0:32:30 | 0:32:33 | |
I bought a very nice 12-year-old Scotch. | 0:32:38 | 0:32:40 | |
Obviously his parents weren't pleased. | 0:32:40 | 0:32:42 | |
I though PPI was just something you could get if you didn't wear goggles at the swimming baths. | 0:32:46 | 0:32:51 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:32:51 | 0:32:53 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:32:53 | 0:32:56 | |
I've got a new job playing the triangle in a reggae band. | 0:33:00 | 0:33:03 | |
And Ting. | 0:33:03 | 0:33:05 | |
Why is it that when women go to the toilet in pairs, no-one minds. | 0:33:09 | 0:33:14 | |
But when I did it, I got thrown out of the greengrocer's. | 0:33:14 | 0:33:17 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:33:17 | 0:33:20 | |
When my girlfriend suggested we try playing doctors and nurses, | 0:33:24 | 0:33:28 | |
I was really hoping for something sexier than being left in a corridor for two days. | 0:33:28 | 0:33:32 | |
I hate people who complain about breast-feeding in public. | 0:33:37 | 0:33:40 | |
"I don't want to see it." "That's disgusting." | 0:33:40 | 0:33:43 | |
"You can't do that, you're not a woman." | 0:33:43 | 0:33:46 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:33:46 | 0:33:48 | |
"And that's not a baby." | 0:33:50 | 0:33:52 | |
"And that's definitely not milk." | 0:33:54 | 0:33:56 | |
GROANING AND LAUGHTER | 0:33:56 | 0:33:58 | |
I love that reaction, lovely! | 0:33:58 | 0:34:00 | |
Nan always said that when she was young, she never had to worry about leaving her back door open. | 0:34:00 | 0:34:05 | |
What a slag! | 0:34:05 | 0:34:07 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:34:07 | 0:34:10 | |
The Archbishop of Canterbury recently said he couldn't support gay marriage without first having a mandate. | 0:34:13 | 0:34:19 | |
Honestly, if he's that bothered, I'll go out with him. | 0:34:19 | 0:34:22 | |
I was watching a really weird porno the other day. | 0:34:28 | 0:34:32 | |
It was just a fat man crying and wanking at the same time. | 0:34:32 | 0:34:35 | |
Then I realised I hadn't turned the telly on. | 0:34:35 | 0:34:38 | |
Clearly some of you have seen it. Obviously a more popular film than I thought. | 0:34:42 | 0:34:47 | |
Thank you, Edinburgh, you've been lovely, I've been Gary Delaney. Goodbye. | 0:34:47 | 0:34:51 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:34:51 | 0:34:54 | |
Thank you. | 0:34:54 | 0:34:56 | |
Brilliant stuff. Give it up for Gary Delaney! | 0:34:57 | 0:35:00 | |
This next act is a pretty cool guy. He's a good mate of mine | 0:35:02 | 0:35:07 | |
and he's a fantastic comedian. He's going to be great. | 0:35:07 | 0:35:10 | |
Everybody, let's go absolutely mental, give it up for Tom Stade. | 0:35:10 | 0:35:14 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:35:14 | 0:35:17 | |
Wow! | 0:35:22 | 0:35:23 | |
All right, good evening, Edinburgh. | 0:35:23 | 0:35:26 | |
CHEERING Fantastic to be here. | 0:35:26 | 0:35:29 | |
Um...I'm getting a little older now, man, | 0:35:29 | 0:35:33 | |
and I'm finding shit is getting real weird for me. | 0:35:33 | 0:35:37 | |
Because I'm a very addictive person, right? | 0:35:37 | 0:35:40 | |
And in my 20s, I used to be addicted to weed. I loved it. | 0:35:40 | 0:35:44 | |
And then I got off of it. | 0:35:44 | 0:35:46 | |
And then in my 30s, I got addicted to whisky. | 0:35:46 | 0:35:49 | |
And shit got real violent. | 0:35:49 | 0:35:51 | |
But the stuff I'm addicted to now... | 0:35:51 | 0:35:55 | |
in my 40s, is freaking me out. | 0:35:55 | 0:35:59 | |
I'm addicted to something called Groupon. | 0:35:59 | 0:36:04 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:36:04 | 0:36:06 | |
I don't get it. | 0:36:11 | 0:36:13 | |
I've never... I don't even know how I got addicted to this. | 0:36:13 | 0:36:17 | |
I got my iPhone 4. | 0:36:17 | 0:36:20 | |
And that's when it happened. | 0:36:20 | 0:36:22 | |
Because I downloaded the Groupon app | 0:36:22 | 0:36:26 | |
and they started sending me stuff, | 0:36:26 | 0:36:28 | |
and if you don't know what Groupon is, | 0:36:28 | 0:36:31 | |
it's this company that just fires shit out at you. | 0:36:31 | 0:36:36 | |
"Here you go, monkey. You like that?" | 0:36:38 | 0:36:41 | |
Relentlessly. | 0:36:44 | 0:36:45 | |
Whether you need it or not... | 0:36:45 | 0:36:50 | |
but it's cheap. | 0:36:50 | 0:36:52 | |
And you don't want to miss out... | 0:36:54 | 0:36:56 | |
on something cheap... | 0:36:56 | 0:36:59 | |
that you don't goddam need. | 0:36:59 | 0:37:02 | |
I've got it set on vibrate. | 0:37:05 | 0:37:07 | |
Cos I don't want everybody knowing about my Groupon problem. | 0:37:08 | 0:37:12 | |
And it'll vibrate at the weirdest times. | 0:37:14 | 0:37:17 | |
It'll be like...zzzzzzzzz! | 0:37:17 | 0:37:19 | |
And I'll be like, "Oh, my God! | 0:37:19 | 0:37:21 | |
"There's a sale in my pants." | 0:37:21 | 0:37:24 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:37:24 | 0:37:27 | |
Do I answer the call? | 0:37:28 | 0:37:31 | |
Of course I do. | 0:37:32 | 0:37:35 | |
Cos I'm a junkie. | 0:37:35 | 0:37:37 | |
And I'm like... I'm like, "Don't look, Tom, don't look. | 0:37:39 | 0:37:43 | |
"You don't want to get high again today, Tom." | 0:37:43 | 0:37:47 | |
Awesome! | 0:37:48 | 0:37:50 | |
64%... | 0:37:55 | 0:37:58 | |
..off an indoor... | 0:37:59 | 0:38:03 | |
fruit tree. | 0:38:03 | 0:38:04 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:38:04 | 0:38:07 | |
64%... | 0:38:13 | 0:38:15 | |
off an indoor fruit tree. | 0:38:15 | 0:38:18 | |
Gets you thinking, doesn't it, ma'am? | 0:38:18 | 0:38:21 | |
I'm looking at that, going, you know something? | 0:38:23 | 0:38:26 | |
I'm tired of growing my fruit outside. | 0:38:26 | 0:38:29 | |
I am sick and tired... | 0:38:36 | 0:38:39 | |
of outdoor fruit! | 0:38:39 | 0:38:41 | |
We're going to bring this fruit inside and live with it. | 0:38:43 | 0:38:48 | |
Cos I love fruit in the morning. | 0:38:50 | 0:38:53 | |
I don't want to have to go outside to get my fruit. | 0:38:53 | 0:38:57 | |
I want it to be in my bedroom. | 0:38:57 | 0:39:00 | |
I want to be able to wake up with my fruit. | 0:39:02 | 0:39:04 | |
Cos I wake up every morning at 8.30am | 0:39:04 | 0:39:08 | |
and I got big bay windows | 0:39:08 | 0:39:11 | |
and I want to wake up about 8.30am when the Lord raises the sun... | 0:39:11 | 0:39:17 | |
and then he brings his big sunshiny fingers, | 0:39:17 | 0:39:22 | |
taps me on the head... | 0:39:22 | 0:39:24 | |
"Get up, Tom." | 0:39:24 | 0:39:27 | |
"It's the Lord." | 0:39:28 | 0:39:31 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:39:31 | 0:39:33 | |
"Is that you, Universe?" | 0:39:34 | 0:39:37 | |
"It's me, Tom." | 0:39:39 | 0:39:41 | |
And as it wakes me up, | 0:39:42 | 0:39:44 | |
I want to look over to the woman that I've been with for 18 years, | 0:39:44 | 0:39:48 | |
just lying there...in a big lump. | 0:39:48 | 0:39:51 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:39:51 | 0:39:54 | |
I want to sit and stare at her for about five minutes. | 0:39:57 | 0:40:01 | |
And silently judge her. | 0:40:01 | 0:40:04 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:40:04 | 0:40:05 | |
And blame her for all the things I could have been. | 0:40:05 | 0:40:09 | |
And as she opens her sleepy eyes, I want to be there for her. | 0:40:11 | 0:40:15 | |
I want to be able to go, "Good morning, sunshine." | 0:40:15 | 0:40:18 | |
Puh! | 0:40:18 | 0:40:19 | |
"Here's a pineapple." | 0:40:19 | 0:40:21 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:40:21 | 0:40:25 | |
Thank you very much. | 0:40:27 | 0:40:30 | |
Have a great time, you guys. | 0:40:30 | 0:40:32 | |
Give it up for Tom Stade. | 0:40:36 | 0:40:38 | |
CHEERING | 0:40:38 | 0:40:40 | |
Another mate of mine, a fantastic stand-up, Seann Walsh! | 0:40:40 | 0:40:45 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:40:45 | 0:40:48 | |
Thank you very much. | 0:40:51 | 0:40:53 | |
Hello, Edinburgh. | 0:40:53 | 0:40:55 | |
CHEERING Hello. Yes, good to be here. | 0:40:55 | 0:40:58 | |
I moved in on my own recently. | 0:40:58 | 0:41:00 | |
I thought, I'll live on my own, get things done. | 0:41:00 | 0:41:03 | |
Sort myself out. | 0:41:04 | 0:41:06 | |
It's not really happened. It's difficult to sort yourself out when you've got the internet and Sky. | 0:41:06 | 0:41:11 | |
What are you meant to do? How can anyone get anything done? | 0:41:11 | 0:41:14 | |
All I do is scroll and flick. | 0:41:14 | 0:41:16 | |
That's all I do, just scrolling, scrolling, | 0:41:16 | 0:41:20 | |
scrolling, Facebook, scrolling, | 0:41:20 | 0:41:22 | |
scrolling, scrolling... | 0:41:22 | 0:41:24 | |
scrolling... You go back in time, weeks, months, | 0:41:24 | 0:41:28 | |
scrolling, scrolling down the news feeds. | 0:41:28 | 0:41:32 | |
That's not the news, is it? | 0:41:32 | 0:41:34 | |
Imagine that, News At Ten, "Today's headlines, Dave Taylor just had a Pop-Tart #oldschool." What? | 0:41:34 | 0:41:39 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:41:39 | 0:41:41 | |
Flicking through Sky. So many adverts. | 0:41:41 | 0:41:44 | |
Adverts, I really think they lie to us more than they ever have done. | 0:41:44 | 0:41:48 | |
Don't they? They shouldn't be allowed. | 0:41:48 | 0:41:50 | |
Sometimes you watch an advert, you think, I've got that product, I know it doesn't do that. | 0:41:50 | 0:41:55 | |
Some of the slogans that these places have. | 0:41:55 | 0:41:58 | |
"Subway - food for winners." | 0:41:58 | 0:42:00 | |
What?! | 0:42:00 | 0:42:01 | |
No, it's not, it's for drunk people that can't find McDonalds. | 0:42:01 | 0:42:06 | |
The Lucozade ad? That's ridiculous. the Lucozade ad, isn't it? | 0:42:08 | 0:42:12 | |
Men with their tops off, eight-pack, wires on their body | 0:42:12 | 0:42:16 | |
connected to a machine, running on a treadmill... | 0:42:16 | 0:42:19 | |
Come on! | 0:42:21 | 0:42:22 | |
We all know that Lucozade is for the hangover. | 0:42:22 | 0:42:27 | |
We know that. The advert for Lucozade should just be a man on a bus crying. | 0:42:28 | 0:42:33 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:42:33 | 0:42:36 | |
Head leant against the bus window... | 0:42:38 | 0:42:41 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:42:47 | 0:42:49 | |
With a slogan - "Lucozade: buy two bottles if you've got work." | 0:42:49 | 0:42:52 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:42:52 | 0:42:55 | |
The advert that really annoys me now - there's loads of them - | 0:43:03 | 0:43:06 | |
is the smartphone ads. | 0:43:06 | 0:43:08 | |
All these ads for the smartphones are all the same. | 0:43:08 | 0:43:11 | |
You see them all the time. | 0:43:11 | 0:43:13 | |
Soft focus, low lighting, | 0:43:13 | 0:43:16 | |
the sunshine shining through the gaps | 0:43:16 | 0:43:19 | |
in the spring trees. | 0:43:19 | 0:43:21 | |
There'll be a young guy with a cap on, | 0:43:21 | 0:43:23 | |
rucksack, skateboard, | 0:43:23 | 0:43:25 | |
always smiling. | 0:43:25 | 0:43:27 | |
Who does this? I never smile at my phone. | 0:43:27 | 0:43:31 | |
There'll be a jingle on and a guy who'll check his phone... | 0:43:31 | 0:43:35 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:43:35 | 0:43:37 | |
..smiling at what he's filming. | 0:43:39 | 0:43:41 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:43:41 | 0:43:44 | |
Dancing to the MP3s. | 0:43:49 | 0:43:51 | |
On their own. | 0:43:51 | 0:43:53 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:43:53 | 0:43:55 | |
Who does this? No-one does this. Come on. | 0:43:56 | 0:43:59 | |
I've got one of these smartphones. They hardly ever work. | 0:43:59 | 0:44:01 | |
I think adverts should have to be live footage of real people | 0:44:01 | 0:44:04 | |
using the real product, don't you? | 0:44:04 | 0:44:07 | |
Then the smartphone ads would go a bit more like this... | 0:44:07 | 0:44:12 | |
KEYBOARD PLAYS | 0:44:12 | 0:44:14 | |
Hello? | 0:44:17 | 0:44:19 | |
Hey. Hello? Hello? | 0:44:19 | 0:44:20 | |
Hello? Hello? Hello? | 0:44:20 | 0:44:23 | |
Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? What about now? | 0:44:23 | 0:44:25 | |
Can you hear me now? | 0:44:25 | 0:44:27 | |
I have my head out the window. Can you hear me now? | 0:44:27 | 0:44:30 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:44:30 | 0:44:32 | |
The maps are brilliant. Look at these maps. | 0:44:32 | 0:44:34 | |
Hang on, I can't work out which way I'm facing. | 0:44:34 | 0:44:37 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:44:37 | 0:44:39 | |
Is that dot me or where we're going? | 0:44:40 | 0:44:42 | |
What's going on? | 0:44:42 | 0:44:45 | |
What is this? | 0:44:45 | 0:44:46 | |
Take a picture. | 0:44:47 | 0:44:49 | |
(Brilliant). Can we do it again? | 0:44:51 | 0:44:53 | |
I filmed it. Sorry. | 0:44:53 | 0:44:55 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:44:55 | 0:44:57 | |
"Why don't you Google it?" "I would do but I've got no 3G." | 0:45:04 | 0:45:07 | |
I just have that little circle, so it takes six hours! | 0:45:07 | 0:45:10 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:45:10 | 0:45:13 | |
"Why not call him?" "Can't - battery's dead." | 0:45:13 | 0:45:15 | |
"Show me that photo from last night." "Can't - battery's dead." | 0:45:15 | 0:45:18 | |
"Show me that video from last night." "Can't - battery's dead." | 0:45:18 | 0:45:21 | |
"Let's have a look at that text." "Can't - battery's dead." | 0:45:21 | 0:45:24 | |
"Use the calculator." "Can't - battery's dead. | 0:45:24 | 0:45:27 | |
"Battery's dead, battery's dead. | 0:45:27 | 0:45:30 | |
"Battery's dead, battery's dead, battery's dead. | 0:45:30 | 0:45:33 | |
"Battery's dead, battery's dead. | 0:45:33 | 0:45:35 | |
"I think I've charged it. | 0:45:35 | 0:45:36 | |
"Ah, forgot to turn it on by the mains." | 0:45:36 | 0:45:39 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:45:39 | 0:45:41 | |
I'm Seann Walsh. | 0:45:41 | 0:45:43 | |
Take care, good night | 0:45:43 | 0:45:44 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:45:44 | 0:45:46 | |
Give it up for Seann Walsh! | 0:45:49 | 0:45:51 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:45:51 | 0:45:52 | |
I'll keep the comedy cracking along. | 0:45:54 | 0:45:57 | |
One of the fastest-rising young comics - give it up for Ivo Graham! | 0:45:57 | 0:46:01 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:46:01 | 0:46:04 | |
Hello. | 0:46:12 | 0:46:14 | |
Are we good? | 0:46:14 | 0:46:17 | |
AUDIENCE: Yeah! | 0:46:17 | 0:46:18 | |
I know I'm not the most convincing comedian. | 0:46:18 | 0:46:21 | |
I know I'm not the most convincing adult male. | 0:46:21 | 0:46:24 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:46:24 | 0:46:26 | |
Got about four minutes to prove it to you. And I will. | 0:46:26 | 0:46:29 | |
I'll tell you about the most adult and dangerous thing I've done, | 0:46:29 | 0:46:31 | |
was in November last year I lost my driving licence. | 0:46:31 | 0:46:36 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:46:36 | 0:46:38 | |
Already I say that and I regret it. I've lied to you to try and sound more cool. | 0:46:38 | 0:46:41 | |
What actually happened was I got two speeding tickets | 0:46:41 | 0:46:43 | |
and was denied use of my parents' car. | 0:46:43 | 0:46:46 | |
Oh! | 0:46:46 | 0:46:47 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:46:47 | 0:46:49 | |
I've tried to juice up that anecdote a bit. | 0:46:49 | 0:46:52 | |
Two speeding tickets, what a way to go(!) | 0:46:52 | 0:46:54 | |
The second one was a sad day. | 0:46:54 | 0:46:56 | |
I got caught doing 88 miles an hour. | 0:46:56 | 0:46:59 | |
Which you may recognise | 0:46:59 | 0:47:01 | |
as the magic time-travelling speed from Back To The Future. | 0:47:01 | 0:47:03 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:47:03 | 0:47:05 | |
I'm delighted to reveal that film is documentary fact. | 0:47:05 | 0:47:08 | |
At 88 miles an hour there was a flash of light | 0:47:08 | 0:47:10 | |
and I was sent back in time...to 2010, when I can't drive. | 0:47:10 | 0:47:14 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:47:14 | 0:47:15 | |
That's a shame - as a wannabe adult, passing my driving test | 0:47:17 | 0:47:19 | |
2.5 years ago is the most exciting thing that ever happened to me. | 0:47:19 | 0:47:22 | |
You lose that, think, "I've peaked. | 0:47:22 | 0:47:24 | |
"The rest of my life will be the life of Benjamin Button, | 0:47:24 | 0:47:26 | |
"going backwards, undoing everything I've achieved so far." | 0:47:26 | 0:47:29 | |
I started off by losing my driving licence. What next? | 0:47:29 | 0:47:32 | |
Get my virginity back and return to university? | 0:47:32 | 0:47:34 | |
Yeah, in that order. | 0:47:34 | 0:47:36 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:47:36 | 0:47:39 | |
You have to pay attention | 0:47:39 | 0:47:41 | |
or some of the tragedy will escape you. | 0:47:41 | 0:47:44 | |
I wasn't ready for the sexually competitive world of university, | 0:47:44 | 0:47:47 | |
mainly as I referred to it as | 0:47:47 | 0:47:49 | |
"the sexually competitive world of university." | 0:47:49 | 0:47:51 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:47:51 | 0:47:52 | |
Also as I'd spent my teenage years in an all-boys boarding school. | 0:47:52 | 0:47:56 | |
Not the best way to prep yourself for adulthood. | 0:47:56 | 0:47:58 | |
I'm not sure what you did with Friday nights as teenagers. | 0:47:58 | 0:48:01 | |
Mine were spent with six or seven other students, | 0:48:01 | 0:48:04 | |
participating in something called The Historical Board Game Society. | 0:48:04 | 0:48:07 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:48:07 | 0:48:08 | |
I won't stand here and knock The Historical Board Game Society. | 0:48:10 | 0:48:13 | |
That would be very disloyal of a former vice-president. | 0:48:13 | 0:48:17 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:48:17 | 0:48:19 | |
Who needs girls and booze when you have half the Austro-Hungarian empire under your thumb? | 0:48:20 | 0:48:24 | |
Not this legend! | 0:48:24 | 0:48:25 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:48:25 | 0:48:27 | |
I was also house catering rep in my last year. | 0:48:29 | 0:48:31 | |
No-one wanted to get on the wrong side of the house catering rep. | 0:48:31 | 0:48:34 | |
To most people, not a very important position, | 0:48:34 | 0:48:37 | |
but if you had a nut allergy... | 0:48:37 | 0:48:39 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:48:39 | 0:48:40 | |
..you put your life in the hands of my menu choices | 0:48:40 | 0:48:43 | |
up to three times a day. | 0:48:43 | 0:48:45 | |
I loved that power. "Watch out for Ivo Graham and his hidden cashews," | 0:48:45 | 0:48:48 | |
they used to say, I imagine. | 0:48:48 | 0:48:50 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:48:50 | 0:48:53 | |
Imagine being able to choose your school food every day. | 0:48:55 | 0:48:57 | |
I wielded that power. | 0:48:57 | 0:49:00 | |
I made my enemies, obviously. | 0:49:00 | 0:49:02 | |
Some people objected to the more left-field vegetables | 0:49:02 | 0:49:04 | |
I tried to introduce. | 0:49:04 | 0:49:06 | |
We all remember the Mange Tout? Non Merci! campaign of 2007. | 0:49:06 | 0:49:09 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:49:09 | 0:49:11 | |
Second-most dangerous thing that happened to me at school. | 0:49:15 | 0:49:18 | |
The first was I organised a Mario Kart tournament | 0:49:18 | 0:49:20 | |
that was shut down by the authorities | 0:49:20 | 0:49:22 | |
because it had become too violent. | 0:49:22 | 0:49:24 | |
Both on and off-screen. | 0:49:24 | 0:49:26 | |
I was furious at the time. | 0:49:26 | 0:49:28 | |
How did the authorities find out? | 0:49:28 | 0:49:30 | |
Someone had broken the first rule of Mario Kart club. | 0:49:30 | 0:49:33 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:49:33 | 0:49:34 | |
Do not talk about Mario Kart club. | 0:49:34 | 0:49:37 | |
We all know the second rule. | 0:49:37 | 0:49:39 | |
No banana skins on Koopa Troopa beach. | 0:49:39 | 0:49:41 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:49:41 | 0:49:43 | |
We're not animals. | 0:49:43 | 0:49:46 | |
I'm aware there's a tenth of the room enjoying that | 0:49:46 | 0:49:49 | |
and others going, "We thought mange tout was niche..." | 0:49:49 | 0:49:52 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:49:52 | 0:49:55 | |
These were great experiences at school, | 0:49:55 | 0:49:57 | |
just not ones that prep you for the sexually competitive world of university. | 0:49:57 | 0:50:01 | |
I arrived at university and realised | 0:50:01 | 0:50:02 | |
I wasn't the male stereotype that dominates the university landscape. | 0:50:02 | 0:50:06 | |
I wasn't a lad. | 0:50:06 | 0:50:07 | |
Men who drink a lot of beer, play a lot of rugby, | 0:50:07 | 0:50:10 | |
throw things in bins from improbable distances | 0:50:10 | 0:50:12 | |
and high-five one another. | 0:50:12 | 0:50:14 | |
They love to high-five a bin throw. | 0:50:14 | 0:50:16 | |
Oh, yeah! | 0:50:16 | 0:50:17 | |
Successful or otherwise. | 0:50:17 | 0:50:19 | |
I was intimidated by these men, | 0:50:19 | 0:50:21 | |
by how they talked about women. | 0:50:21 | 0:50:23 | |
I'm sure you've heard the verbs these lads bandy around | 0:50:23 | 0:50:26 | |
to talk about their sexual experiences. | 0:50:26 | 0:50:28 | |
Verbs I couldn't imagine using. | 0:50:28 | 0:50:31 | |
Verbs like... | 0:50:31 | 0:50:34 | |
annihilate, and destroy! | 0:50:34 | 0:50:37 | |
Wow! What a dream! | 0:50:37 | 0:50:40 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:50:40 | 0:50:41 | |
It won't surprise you to learn I've never annihilated a woman. | 0:50:41 | 0:50:45 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:50:45 | 0:50:47 | |
I've certainly perturbed and unnerved women. | 0:50:47 | 0:50:49 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:50:49 | 0:50:52 | |
Made apologetic cameo appearances inside women. | 0:50:52 | 0:50:55 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:50:55 | 0:50:57 | |
Thanks, I've been Ivo. Bye! | 0:51:03 | 0:51:05 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:51:05 | 0:51:07 | |
Give it up for Ivo Graham! | 0:51:11 | 0:51:12 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:51:12 | 0:51:15 | |
This next guy you know well. | 0:51:15 | 0:51:17 | |
The host of Live At The Electric. | 0:51:17 | 0:51:20 | |
He's fantastic - Russell Kane! | 0:51:20 | 0:51:23 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:51:23 | 0:51:25 | |
Scotland, hello! I love this place. | 0:51:31 | 0:51:33 | |
Thank you for my career. | 0:51:33 | 0:51:35 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:51:35 | 0:51:36 | |
I love watching you shuffle in. | 0:51:36 | 0:51:38 | |
You can spot the English and Scots people coming to a gig. | 0:51:38 | 0:51:41 | |
"Though we're about to have fun, heads down, don't look to the side." | 0:51:41 | 0:51:44 | |
The most we risk on these islands is a side look | 0:51:44 | 0:51:47 | |
on the way in. | 0:51:47 | 0:51:48 | |
Not like Brazilian people - | 0:51:51 | 0:51:52 | |
BRAZILIAN ACCENT: "I look around me! | 0:51:52 | 0:51:54 | |
"I take everyone in. My scrotum's fallen out, not a problem." | 0:51:54 | 0:51:57 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:51:57 | 0:51:59 | |
Have you ever been side-looked | 0:51:59 | 0:52:02 | |
by the person you're side-looking? | 0:52:02 | 0:52:04 | |
It's like an electric shock. You look up like that, they look at you. | 0:52:04 | 0:52:07 | |
"I've been side-looked by the side-looker." | 0:52:07 | 0:52:09 | |
We like keeping it small. Even at a comedy gig, | 0:52:09 | 0:52:11 | |
the audience laughs, then... | 0:52:11 | 0:52:13 | |
SCOTTISH ACCENT: ..Back to normal, "Prove yourself again, jester." | 0:52:13 | 0:52:16 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:52:16 | 0:52:18 | |
Has anyone here ever tried | 0:52:18 | 0:52:19 | |
to learn Spanish or Italian or Portuguese? Anyone? | 0:52:19 | 0:52:22 | |
We struggle - we're so self-conscious in the first lessons. | 0:52:22 | 0:52:26 | |
We don't move our mouths. "Buenos dias." | 0:52:26 | 0:52:28 | |
Look how a Spanish person speaks. "Buenos dias." | 0:52:28 | 0:52:31 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:52:31 | 0:52:33 | |
Look at us. "Good morning. Carol, good morning." | 0:52:33 | 0:52:36 | |
"Buenos dias." | 0:52:36 | 0:52:38 | |
A Spanish person declaring their love. | 0:52:38 | 0:52:41 | |
"Ti quiero!" Look at that! | 0:52:41 | 0:52:42 | |
A Spanish man will break his own jaw if he's in love enough. | 0:52:42 | 0:52:46 | |
"Te quiero!" SNAPPING SOUND | 0:52:46 | 0:52:47 | |
"I love you so much my jaw is broken." | 0:52:47 | 0:52:49 | |
An English man - "Carol, I love you. | 0:52:49 | 0:52:51 | |
"Carol, I love you." | 0:52:51 | 0:52:53 | |
An English person having sex. "Sorry! I love you. Sorry! | 0:52:53 | 0:52:56 | |
"I love you. Sorry!" | 0:52:56 | 0:52:58 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:53:01 | 0:53:03 | |
The Scots are slightly better than us | 0:53:03 | 0:53:05 | |
but the one thing that unifies these islands - | 0:53:05 | 0:53:07 | |
we love keeping ourselves to ourselves. Our little picket fence. | 0:53:07 | 0:53:10 | |
We don't like anything different to happen. | 0:53:10 | 0:53:13 | |
That's why we don't make holiday friends. | 0:53:13 | 0:53:15 | |
Anyone who enjoys making holiday friends - you are not typical | 0:53:15 | 0:53:18 | |
Scots or English. | 0:53:18 | 0:53:20 | |
"Hey, it's Mark and Carol from yesterday!" | 0:53:20 | 0:53:23 | |
"Piss off, you tossers!" | 0:53:23 | 0:53:24 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:53:24 | 0:53:26 | |
"It's the people that befriended us. | 0:53:26 | 0:53:29 | |
"Come in. | 0:53:29 | 0:53:31 | |
"My name's Mark from Surrey. I thought we'd come to every meal." | 0:53:31 | 0:53:34 | |
"Without your teeth?! Prick!" LAUGHTER | 0:53:34 | 0:53:37 | |
Anyone not laughing at that - you are those tossers! | 0:53:37 | 0:53:40 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:53:40 | 0:53:42 | |
You shouldn't even speak to the people you're on holiday with! | 0:53:42 | 0:53:45 | |
One of the things I really admire...you can do a test. | 0:53:45 | 0:53:49 | |
It's not even a British thing. | 0:53:49 | 0:53:50 | |
It's how good you are at becoming toddler-like at night and having that baby sleep. | 0:53:50 | 0:53:55 | |
How many people do inspiring jobs? | 0:53:55 | 0:53:57 | |
Our social workers, teachers, policemen, nurses - | 0:53:57 | 0:54:00 | |
real jobs, unlike me. | 0:54:00 | 0:54:01 | |
Yet no matter what lives you've changed, | 0:54:01 | 0:54:04 | |
what life you've created, who you've expelled, | 0:54:04 | 0:54:07 | |
locked up, you get in that bed and sleep | 0:54:07 | 0:54:08 | |
like an angel. You bastards. | 0:54:08 | 0:54:10 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:54:10 | 0:54:12 | |
The other half - you're with me. | 0:54:12 | 0:54:14 | |
Who needs perfect conditions for sleep? | 0:54:14 | 0:54:17 | |
Give me a cheer. Blackout curtains. | 0:54:17 | 0:54:19 | |
Perfect mattress. | 0:54:19 | 0:54:20 | |
"I've heard a pin drop. | 0:54:20 | 0:54:22 | |
"I'll think about Egypt till 5am. Oh, no!" | 0:54:22 | 0:54:24 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:54:24 | 0:54:26 | |
Horrible. | 0:54:27 | 0:54:29 | |
Be honest here. | 0:54:29 | 0:54:30 | |
Those of you who need perfect conditions for sleep like me - | 0:54:30 | 0:54:35 | |
are you in a relationship with the other frickin' type? | 0:54:35 | 0:54:38 | |
We spend our whole lives listening to your blissful frickin' breathing. | 0:54:38 | 0:54:42 | |
"I've had such a stressful day at work, I won't be able to..." | 0:54:42 | 0:54:45 | |
HE SNORES Bastards! | 0:54:45 | 0:54:48 | |
"I didn't even hear the storm." "Really? Keep going on about it, dick!" | 0:54:50 | 0:54:53 | |
"You really helped me with the problem(!)" Arseholes! | 0:54:53 | 0:54:56 | |
They don't even recline their seat. I'm driving from Essex to Edinburgh. | 0:54:57 | 0:55:00 | |
"You have the seat. Recline it." "No need." | 0:55:00 | 0:55:02 | |
HE SNORES | 0:55:02 | 0:55:04 | |
Just a useless bobbing head. | 0:55:04 | 0:55:07 | |
With a string of dribble like that. | 0:55:07 | 0:55:09 | |
"Oh, we're in Edinburgh. It went so quickly!" | 0:55:09 | 0:55:12 | |
"Did it, dick? I bet it did!" | 0:55:12 | 0:55:14 | |
LAUGHTER Unbelievable! | 0:55:14 | 0:55:17 | |
"I'm going to get to sleep." "There's no bed." | 0:55:17 | 0:55:19 | |
"It's OK, there's a spike and some fibreglass." | 0:55:19 | 0:55:21 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:55:21 | 0:55:23 | |
You're the same freaks that don't get up for a wee during the night. | 0:55:26 | 0:55:29 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:55:29 | 0:55:31 | |
How do you do it? | 0:55:31 | 0:55:33 | |
I drink nothing, just a thimble of Horlicks at 3pm. | 0:55:33 | 0:55:36 | |
2am - jet of piss, 4am - jet of piss. 6am - jet of piss. | 0:55:36 | 0:55:40 | |
Think about Egypt, day ruined. That's me. | 0:55:40 | 0:55:43 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:55:43 | 0:55:47 | |
This is my partner, Lindsey: "I'll have five pints of Ribena - it's bedtime!" | 0:55:51 | 0:55:54 | |
HE GLUGS | 0:55:54 | 0:55:56 | |
Ten hours' sleep - power piss. | 0:55:56 | 0:55:58 | |
HE MAKES SKOOSHING NOISE | 0:55:58 | 0:56:00 | |
SCOTTISH ACCENT: Ladies and gentlemen of Caledonia, thank you. | 0:56:00 | 0:56:03 | |
I've been an Englishman. Good night! | 0:56:03 | 0:56:06 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:56:06 | 0:56:08 | |
Russell Kane! | 0:56:12 | 0:56:14 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:56:14 | 0:56:16 | |
And give it up for everyone you've seen this evening. | 0:56:16 | 0:56:19 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:56:19 | 0:56:21 | |
This has been the Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live. Take care. | 0:56:21 | 0:56:24 | |
Good night. Thank you. | 0:56:24 | 0:56:26 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:56:26 | 0:56:28 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:56:45 | 0:56:48 |