Diddle Diddle Dumpling Inside No. 9


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Diddle Diddle Dumpling

Dark comedy. David and Louise's world is changed forever by a seemingly random discovery in a local street.


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This programme contains some strong language

0:00:020:00:05

MUSIC: Spring from The Four Seasons by Antonio Vivaldi

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Oh.

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You haven't thrown away those jam jars, have you?

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I was collecting them for the spring fair.

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No, they're under the sink.

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Oh.

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You've gotta fill them with stuff for raffle prizes.

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What's wrong with the jam? That's a good prize.

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Well, try telling that to the PSA.

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There's a list of approved items. It's on the fridge.

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-What like? iPhones?

-Yeah, probably.

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Oh, and remember, Sally's got a play-date with Gertrude.

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Gertrude? Isn't that the cow from the Magic Roundabout?

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No, that is Ermintrude.

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Ridiculous.

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Well, you did say you wanted her to have more friends.

0:02:070:02:09

Yeah, but I'd rather they weren't Shakespeare characters,

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Greek goddesses or French wines.

0:02:120:02:13

Fine. I'll tell Sauvignon's mother we're cancelling, shall I?

0:02:130:02:16

You are joking?

0:02:160:02:17

-Maybe.

-Huh.

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How was your run?

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Mmm. Yeah, it was fine. It was weird though.

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Weird? Why?

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Well, coming in just now, there was a shoe on the pavement.

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-A shoe?

-Yeah, just one single black shoe. Looks like it's been placed.

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It's not old, it's like a brand-new shoe.

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Right. Erm, you haven't seen my keys, have you?

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I put it up on the wall anyway, see if anyone comes back for it.

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So odd. What's the story behind it?

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Right, I am off.

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Make sure she brushes her teeth, won't you?

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And if you get a chance,

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will you sneak a peek in Gertrude's book bag?

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-Why?

-Just to see what she's reading.

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Seriously?

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-I don't want Sally falling behind.

-She's seven.

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She should be reading Janet And Whatsit Have Two Mummies,

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or whatever they read these days.

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Right, see you later!

0:03:010:03:03

Yeah, OK.

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See if that shoe's still there when you go by.

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Bye, Sally!

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Bye, Mummy!

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MUSIC: Spring from The Four Seasons by Antonio Vivaldi

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Oh, I'm so sorry I'm late.

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I had a conference call with Bombay and it took ages

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to get everybody on the line.

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Better than watching 50 episodes of Fifi And The Flowertots.

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Ah, is she still awake?

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No, she tried but she fell asleep

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-with the book in her hand, bless her.

-Oh, I feel awful now.

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What's this?

0:04:060:04:08

-Oh, it's that shoe I was telling you about.

-What shoe?

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That shoe from this morning, I told you it was outside the house.

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Well, what's it doing on the table?

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I thought I'd bring it in.

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And put it there? Well, you don't know where its been.

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It could be covered in dog shit.

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It's brand-new, that's the whole point.

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Well, if it's brand-new, don't put it on the table, it's bad luck.

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All right, I just didn't want anyone stealing it.

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What, so you stole it?

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It just felt wrong leaving it outside, that's all.

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Give it to the school for the spring fair if you're that bothered. You can put Tiffany earrings in it.

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This was nicer two hours ago.

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I'm sorry.

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I, erm,

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I spoke to Chris Hutchinson today.

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Oh, yeah?

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Mm. They're taking over that empty shop next door to Planet Organic.

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He's looking for some new reps.

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Oh, right.

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Well, it's not a million miles away from what you were doing at Fraser's, is it?

0:05:050:05:09

Yeah, sounds good. I'll, erm, I'll drop him a line.

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Oh, I managed to sneak a look in Gertrude's book bag by the way.

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Oh, yeah, what's she reading?

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Anna Karenina.

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And it was in Russian.

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SHE SPLUTTERS

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You know what, I wouldn't be surprised.

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I spoke to her mother the other day.

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You know that mean-faced one with the bad breath?

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Jeez, she went on and on and on

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about where they were going on holiday.

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And I know she wanted me to get to admit that we were going to

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Center Parcs again and I was not going to rise to it.

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She went on and on and on about bloody...

0:05:420:05:46

MUSIC: Spring from The Four Seasons by Antonio Vivaldi

0:05:460:05:49

Vroom, vroom.

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What are you doing? You mustn't do that! Give it here.

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I was giving Suzie a ride.

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This is not your property, Sally!

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-Whose is it then?

-Well, we don't know, do we?

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That's what Daddy's trying to find out.

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Go to your room. You can play in there.

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David?

0:06:230:06:25

What's this?

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We've got to talk to Sally about respecting other people's things.

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I found these stuck on the lampposts down the street.

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I did 20 of them but the printer ran out of ink.

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"Found - one black man's shoe."

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I know, I wasn't sure about that either.

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Cos it could sound like we're saying the shoe belongs to a black man. It might do, we don't know,

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but do you think we should change it?

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You've put our number on it.

0:06:410:06:43

-Well, how else are they going to get in contact?

-Well, I don't want them to get in contact!

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I just don't like the idea of our number being displayed

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up and down the street.

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-So what?

-Well, people can call us, find out if we're in or out.

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I mean, burglars.

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You're making too much out of this.

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You haven't even put a picture on it, David.

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It's just a stupid drawing.

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Well, I'm not going to give away all the details, am I? Or else anyone could claim it.

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They'll have to describe it to me when they get in touch.

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It is a single tramp's shoe that you f...

0:07:070:07:11

That you found in the street. Now just give it to Oxfam.

0:07:110:07:13

They won't have it. They wouldn't take those Angelina Ballerina videos. Nothing wrong with them!

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Because they're videos! People don't have video players any more!

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The library does!

0:07:200:07:22

Is...?

0:07:290:07:31

PHONE RINGS

0:07:360:07:38

I'll get it. No, you get it.

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Ask them exactly whereabouts they lost it.

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And don't mention the size!

0:07:450:07:47

Hello.

0:07:510:07:52

Hello, Mum.

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Oh, yeah, did you? Who'd you go with?

0:07:550:07:59

No, she's fine.

0:07:590:08:00

Hurry up, people might be trying to get through.

0:08:000:08:03

No, sorry.

0:08:030:08:04

MUSIC: Summer from The Four Seasons by Antonio Vivaldi

0:08:040:08:08

Daddy, come and see what Sally's got.

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Oh, wow, this looks good.

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Is it the one you wanted?

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What's his name?

0:08:450:08:46

You take on a refurb like that, you're always going to be

0:08:590:09:01

looking at some time overspend, so, yeah, we've not done too badly.

0:09:010:09:04

And the footfall from Planet Organic's going to be really good

0:09:040:09:07

for us - all those yummy mummies and their yoga mats.

0:09:070:09:09

Oh, don't.

0:09:090:09:10

I should go, I just don't have the time.

0:09:100:09:12

No, you don't need to do that, you look smashing.

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There we go.

0:09:140:09:16

Oh, you've already got drinks?

0:09:160:09:18

Yeah, you just poured them out!

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Dunno what I'm doing. Trying to get you pissed!

0:09:200:09:22

Hey, I'm not complaining.

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Anyway, come on. Sit down.

0:09:240:09:27

What do you reckon?

0:09:270:09:28

-About what?

-Well, Lou said you might be ready to jump back

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on the gravy train, bit of part-time work.

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Oh, yeah, no. Sounds good, erm, but I am a bit busy at the moment.

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Ah! Other irons in the fire, eh?

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Well, it's just I've got a bit of a project on the go.

0:09:400:09:42

No, you haven't.

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Yes, I have, the shoe.

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David.

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What?

0:09:470:09:48

Not now.

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What's this?

0:09:490:09:50

Well, about three weeks ago...

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More like three months ago.

0:09:520:09:53

All right, well, whenever it was.

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A few weeks ago I found a shoe outside the house.

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It wasn't like a thrown away discarded one.

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This was black, slip-on, good quality leather.

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Hardly a mark on it.

0:10:040:10:06

And you're trying to find a retail outlet for them?

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You see them as a new range?

0:10:080:10:10

No, no. I just found a shoe.

0:10:100:10:13

Someone lost a single shoe.

0:10:130:10:15

Well, no, we don't know. That's the whole point.

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We don't know what happened, do we?

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Could be an accident, someone's fallen over, the shoe's come off.

0:10:190:10:22

Could be an older gentlemen with Alzheimer's, say.

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He's gone for a wander, doesn't know where he left it.

0:10:240:10:26

Could be kids dressing up - they've taken their dad's shoe out of the house.

0:10:260:10:29

Maybe penny for the Guy.

0:10:290:10:31

What, in March?

0:10:310:10:32

Right, so it's a bit of a mystery.

0:10:370:10:39

Exactly.

0:10:390:10:40

Do you want to see it?

0:10:410:10:42

-Yeah, if you like.

-Yeah, OK.

-David, don't.

0:10:440:10:47

What? I'm just showing Chris - he's intrigued.

0:10:470:10:50

Have you moved it, Louise?

0:10:570:10:58

It was under here. Where is it?

0:10:580:11:00

It's gone, David.

0:11:020:11:04

No, I know its gone. I can see it's gone. Where is it?

0:11:040:11:07

I threw it away.

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You fucking what?

0:11:110:11:12

I got rid of it. I threw it in the bin!

0:11:140:11:16

It was too much, you were getting obsessed by it.

0:11:160:11:19

-I'm not obsessed!

-Of course you are!

0:11:190:11:22

He's created a website.

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He's been badgering the police for CCTV footage.

0:11:240:11:26

It's public spirited! You know Mike Evans, don't you?

0:11:260:11:28

It's insane!

0:11:280:11:30

You can't go for more than two minutes without banging on

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about a bloody shoe you found!

0:11:320:11:34

-Course I can!

-You can't!

0:11:340:11:35

All right, then, time me!

0:11:350:11:38

Come on, Chris, time me - two minutes.

0:11:380:11:40

-There's no need...

-No, she thinks I'm insane.

0:11:400:11:41

No, I didn't say you're insane, I said it's insane!

0:11:410:11:44

We'll see who's making an absolute mountain out of a molehill!

0:11:440:11:46

Do it.

0:11:500:11:52

Do it. I want you to see this.

0:11:520:11:54

OK, erm, two minutes.

0:11:580:12:01

You going away this summer, Chris, or...?

0:12:260:12:28

I might go and see my mum in Hastings.

0:12:280:12:31

I've got to be around for the shop really, so...

0:12:310:12:33

How long?

0:12:330:12:34

-Just three or four days.

-No, I mean, how long?

0:12:340:12:37

Oh, erm, 30 seconds.

0:12:370:12:39

This is very cruel what you're doing, you know.

0:12:490:12:51

I don't mean it to be.

0:12:510:12:52

I just want to help you, David.

0:12:540:12:55

Which bin is it in?

0:13:000:13:01

Well, that was barely a minute.

0:13:010:13:03

-Which bin?!

-The green one!

0:13:030:13:04

I'm so sorry about this, Chris.

0:13:160:13:18

It's OK, Lou, no problem.

0:13:180:13:21

You know he's...

0:13:210:13:23

He's not been well.

0:13:230:13:24

It's fine. I understand.

0:13:240:13:26

But you've been through a lot too, you know.

0:13:280:13:30

I can't.

0:13:340:13:35

Here you go, Chris! Sorry about that.

0:13:370:13:40

Panic over.

0:13:400:13:42

Now then, if you saw that in the street,

0:13:420:13:45

you wouldn't think it'd been thrown, would you? You'd think it'd been lost.

0:13:450:13:48

I see what you mean.

0:13:480:13:50

Careful.

0:13:500:13:51

So, erm, you're just trying to find the rightful owner. Like Cinderella.

0:13:540:13:59

Exactly! We need to do a proclamation throughout the land.

0:13:590:14:01

Get the media involved. Have celebrities talking about it.

0:14:010:14:04

We need it trending on Twitter, hashtag - "the lost shoe".

0:14:040:14:07

You know what I mean though, don't you, Chris?

0:14:120:14:14

I'm not going mad.

0:14:140:14:16

A pair of shoes, they...

0:14:160:14:17

They deserve to be together.

0:14:190:14:20

Have to be.

0:14:210:14:23

How they belong.

0:14:240:14:25

I understand.

0:14:260:14:27

Let me have a word with Laurence who does my PR.

0:14:290:14:32

We'll see what we can do.

0:14:320:14:33

Oh, thank you. Finally, somebody gets it!

0:14:330:14:36

MUSIC: Summer from The Four Seasons by Antonio Vivaldi

0:14:360:14:39

RADIO: But look, you've offered a reward, is that right?

0:14:440:14:47

Yes. Yeah, I thought it would be some incentive there for people

0:14:470:14:50

to come forward, you know, with any information.

0:14:500:14:52

Well, listen if you've got any old shoes, listen to David.

0:14:520:14:55

If you've got any old shoes lying around your garden,

0:14:550:14:57

bring them to his place, he'll turn them into hard cash!

0:14:570:15:00

Well, no, no.

0:15:000:15:01

The reward would be specifically for the pairing of the shoe in question.

0:15:010:15:04

I don't want time wasters.

0:15:040:15:06

I could have done with you this morning, David - I was sorting out my sock drawer.

0:15:060:15:09

Anyway, look, we've had an e-mail from Jacqueline in Barnet and she

0:15:090:15:12

says, "Why don't you just give the money to a homeless shelter?

0:15:120:15:14

"Why are you concentrating on this one shoe?"

0:15:140:15:18

Jacqueline, someone somewhere is missing a shoe and if I can bring

0:15:180:15:21

that person and that shoe together, then I will have achieved that.

0:15:210:15:27

All, right, David. Let's say this for a second, yeah.

0:15:270:15:29

Say I'm the person that lost that shoe.

0:15:290:15:31

Now I go back to look for it, but it's not there because you,

0:15:310:15:34

you've got it in your house.

0:15:340:15:35

Now what do I do?

0:15:350:15:37

Well, as I say, it's all, it's all on the website and...

0:15:380:15:41

Stupid question.

0:15:430:15:45

Daddy!

0:15:450:15:46

MUSIC: Summer from The Four Seasons by Antonio Vivaldi

0:15:470:15:50

-ANSWERPHONE:

-You have no new messages.

0:15:570:16:00

DOORBELL RINGS

0:16:140:16:16

Hi, I've come about the shoe.

0:16:240:16:26

Sorry?

0:16:260:16:27

The missing shoe. I think it's mine.

0:16:270:16:30

Oh, right, well, you'd better come in.

0:16:300:16:33

Come through.

0:16:360:16:37

Thanks.

0:16:370:16:38

Erm, do you want to take a seat?

0:16:400:16:42

No, you're all right, thanks.

0:16:420:16:45

Yeah, so can I ask how you heard about us?

0:16:450:16:48

My wife heard you on the radio, whenever that was.

0:16:480:16:51

Oh, right. You live locally?

0:16:510:16:53

No, we live up in Norfolk.

0:16:530:16:55

We were down here for a wedding.

0:16:550:16:57

The shoe must have fallen out the bottom of my suit bag.

0:16:570:17:00

We were parked just out there by the tree.

0:17:000:17:03

Right.

0:17:030:17:05

Whose wedding was it?

0:17:060:17:07

I don't think you'd know them. What's that got to do with anything?

0:17:080:17:11

Oh nothing, I'm just trying to get a full picture.

0:17:110:17:14

Erm, OK, well, I'm going to ask you a couple of questions.

0:17:140:17:17

-I'm sure, erm, I'm sure you understand.

-OK.

0:17:170:17:20

What size was the shoe you claim you lost?

0:17:220:17:25

Nine.

0:17:270:17:29

Correct.

0:17:300:17:32

Good start.

0:17:320:17:33

Next, I'm going to show you some photographs and I want you

0:17:330:17:36

to tell me which one is the correct tread - A, B, C or D.

0:17:360:17:40

Can I see B again?

0:17:570:17:58

Yeah.

0:18:000:18:02

There you go.

0:18:020:18:04

Take your time.

0:18:040:18:05

OK, I think it's C.

0:18:070:18:08

C.

0:18:160:18:17

And what colour are the laces?

0:18:180:18:21

It didn't have laces, it was a slip-on.

0:18:220:18:24

Actually, I've got the other one here if you need proof?

0:18:250:18:28

Just let me...

0:18:340:18:35

Yeah, it looks the same.

0:18:370:18:39

Correct tread.

0:18:400:18:42

And, what, it just fell out of your suit carrier, you say?

0:18:420:18:45

Mm. It can't have been zipped up properly.

0:18:450:18:48

Mm, sounds plausible.

0:18:480:18:49

Looks like we've got a match.

0:18:510:18:53

Well done.

0:18:540:18:56

Well, can I have it then?

0:19:020:19:04

What, you want to take it now?

0:19:040:19:06

That's what I'm here for.

0:19:060:19:09

Right, yeah.

0:19:090:19:11

Do you want a drink or anything? Celebrate?

0:19:120:19:14

No, I'd best get off. My car's on a meter.

0:19:140:19:17

OK.

0:19:210:19:22

Here he is.

0:19:420:19:44

I've looked after him.

0:19:440:19:46

I, erm, I won't make you try them on.

0:19:480:19:50

That'd be weird, wouldn't it?

0:19:500:19:51

-Yes.

-Yeah.

0:19:510:19:53

Could you just give me a minute, please? I'm finding this really hard.

0:19:590:20:02

Sure.

0:20:040:20:06

Can I use your loo?

0:20:060:20:07

Yes. It's just... It's by the front door.

0:20:070:20:10

TOILET FLUSHES

0:20:300:20:32

All right?

0:20:350:20:36

Yeah.

0:20:360:20:38

Yeah, here you go.

0:20:380:20:39

They're both in there,

0:20:410:20:43

so that's that done now.

0:20:430:20:44

Mission accomplished.

0:20:460:20:48

Well, thank you.

0:20:480:20:50

Oh, I need to get you some money for the reward.

0:20:560:21:00

No, I'm not bothered about that.

0:21:000:21:02

I just wanted the shoe.

0:21:020:21:04

Thanks again.

0:21:040:21:05

No, thank you.

0:21:050:21:07

And you know where we are now so...

0:21:070:21:08

MUSIC: Autumn from The Four Seasons by Antonio Vivaldi

0:21:090:21:13

That's right, and autumn has a silent "n" at the end

0:21:160:21:21

like column or hymn.

0:21:210:21:25

Who?

0:21:250:21:26

No, like a hymn that you sing in church.

0:21:270:21:30

Like a funeral?

0:21:310:21:32

Yeah.

0:21:340:21:36

Yeah, or a wedding or the harvest festival.

0:21:360:21:40

Where are my girls?

0:21:400:21:41

Daddy!

0:21:410:21:43

Hello.

0:21:430:21:46

Oh, wow!

0:21:460:21:48

Have you done an autumn picture?

0:21:480:21:50

Yeah, look, there's falling leaves, a bonfire and there's Mummy, look.

0:21:500:21:56

It's a pumpkin.

0:21:560:21:57

Cheeky! Go and put it in your book bag, darling,

0:21:570:22:00

you can take it in tomorrow.

0:22:000:22:01

How was today?

0:22:040:22:05

Fine, yeah, we got those, erm, tiles in from Italy and Chris says

0:22:050:22:08

there might be a trip out there in a couple of months.

0:22:080:22:11

-Very nice.

-Mm.

0:22:110:22:12

Wives invited?

0:22:120:22:14

Well, we'll have to see, won't we?

0:22:140:22:16

Daddy, can I show you my assembly? I've got lines.

0:22:170:22:21

Oh, yes, go on!

0:22:210:22:22

We're doing nursery rhymes.

0:22:220:22:24

Darling, let Daddy get in.

0:22:240:22:25

I'm going to make him a cup of tea first.

0:22:250:22:27

No, I don't mind. Go on, Sal. I'll be the audience.

0:22:270:22:30

Well, I'm here and Annabel's here,

0:22:300:22:32

and Christian's here and he says, "Diddle diddle dumpling,

0:22:320:22:35

"my son, John," and Annabel says, "Went to bed with his trousers on."

0:22:350:22:40

And I say, "One shoe off and one shoe on," then we all say,

0:22:400:22:43

"Diddle diddle dumpling, my son, John."

0:22:430:22:45

Encore! More. Well done.

0:22:490:22:53

MUSIC: Winter from The Four Seasons by Antonio Vivaldi

0:22:550:22:58

David?

0:23:390:23:41

What have you been doing?

0:23:410:23:43

Mm, well, I could ask you that, Louise, couldn't I?

0:23:430:23:46

What do you mean? What's this doing outside?

0:23:460:23:48

What do you think? It's back where it belongs.

0:23:480:23:51

What are you talking about?

0:23:530:23:54

You said the owner came and took it weeks ago.

0:23:540:23:57

You said it was all sorted.

0:23:570:23:59

Who's that?

0:23:590:24:00

Erm, I don't know. People from college?

0:24:010:24:05

Your college?

0:24:050:24:06

Yeah. What is this?

0:24:060:24:08

I was doing you a photobook for your birthday.

0:24:080:24:11

Thought it'd be a nice surprise and I got all your old pictures

0:24:110:24:14

out and I found...him.

0:24:140:24:16

Your friend. What's his name?

0:24:160:24:19

Ted.

0:24:230:24:24

Oh, it's Ted, is it?

0:24:240:24:25

When did you last see Ted?

0:24:270:24:29

Dunno, it was a while ago.

0:24:320:24:33

Really? Cos I saw Ted six weeks ago when he came round,

0:24:330:24:36

pretended he owned the shoe.

0:24:360:24:37

-I don't know what you're talking about.

-Well, this'll really confuse you then.

0:24:400:24:43

Cos after I found that picture, I got your VAT file out,

0:24:430:24:45

went through your receipts and I found this.

0:24:450:24:47

From Stead and Simpson - black slip-on, size 9.

0:24:470:24:49

-Oh, David.

-Dated two days before Ted came to see me.

0:24:490:24:52

How do you explain that?

0:24:520:24:54

OK.

0:25:000:25:01

He was doing me a favour.

0:25:050:25:06

I was trying to help you.

0:25:080:25:09

By lying to me? By giving me false hope?

0:25:090:25:11

Oh, listen to yourself, David!

0:25:110:25:13

I just wanted it to be over.

0:25:160:25:18

Who cares? Who cares who took the fucking stupid shoe?!

0:25:180:25:23

It's not about the shoe, is it?

0:25:290:25:31

It was never about the shoe.

0:25:350:25:37

No.

0:25:380:25:40

No, it isn't.

0:25:410:25:43

And it's not healthy, David.

0:25:450:25:48

For any of us.

0:25:480:25:49

It's been six years.

0:25:530:25:55

Oh, I'm sorry, is that the time limit?

0:25:550:25:57

Should I be over it now?

0:25:570:25:59

No. No, that's not what I'm saying, but we still have Sally.

0:25:590:26:03

We... We have to live our lives, for her sake.

0:26:030:26:06

She doesn't even remember having a brother.

0:26:060:26:09

Not a brother.

0:26:090:26:11

A twin.

0:26:130:26:14

Two halves, Louise...

0:26:160:26:18

..and one of them's gone.

0:26:220:26:25

Yeah, I know.

0:26:250:26:26

And I understand now what you're trying to do,

0:26:280:26:33

but we can't do that, David...

0:26:330:26:35

..because Joseph is dead.

0:26:400:26:42

He died.

0:26:440:26:46

They should be together.

0:26:490:26:51

David, you're bleeding.

0:26:590:27:00

No, I'm not.

0:27:030:27:04

Where did you get that shoe?

0:27:130:27:15

I went to see Ted.

0:27:180:27:19

In Norfolk?

0:27:210:27:22

Yes, in Norfolk.

0:27:220:27:24

He didn't want to give me it.

0:27:250:27:27

SIRENS APPROACH

0:27:270:27:29

He said something about me being unreasonable.

0:27:290:27:32

What did you do?

0:27:400:27:41

David, what did you do?

0:27:440:27:47

I can't remember.

0:27:540:27:55

CAR DOORS CLOSE

0:27:560:27:58

MUSIC: Winter from The Four Seasons by Antonio Vivaldi

0:28:010:28:04

The third season of Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith's award-winning anthology of comedy dramas.

Found - one black man's shoe. David and Louise's world is changed forever by a seemingly random discovery in a local street.

Keeley Hawes and Mathew Baynton guest star.