Episode 3 Lee Nelson's Well Funny People

This programme contains strong language.

Oh, it's eight o'clock in the morning, Amber's going to be well vexed with you.

Nah, I said I'd be back about eight.

Yeah, but you said Saturday.

Yeah!

I'm well hungry.

Yeah, me too, an' all, but what a three nights.

BOTH: Yeah!

Hey, do you know when the bouncers caught us in the toilet cubicles

and we had to pretend that we was gay!

We had to kiss each other to prove it!

You tell anyone about that, you get beats, yeah?

Obviously, never would.

Lee. How do you take photos down off Facebook?

Oh, my gosh, look at that!

-Yeah, it's...a car, innit?

-Not the car, you bell-end. Check that out!

-Roast chicken.

-Oh, man! I feel like a bumblebee.

-Oi! We used to jump these.

-Yeah, but that was back in the day, though.

-That was like August, innit?

-D'you reckon you can still do it?

-Yeah!

Like that. IF I had a coat hanger.

I always carry one with me when we go clubbing.

Saves me two quid in the cloakroom.

Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it.

All right, but you keep watch.

Yes!

-DOOR LOCK CLICKS

-Yes! The Nelsonator is back.

-What are you doing?

-Oh, um...

-I lost my keys, innit?

-Oh, you poor poppet! I'm always losing mine.

-Such a fab outfit.

-Yeah.

I assume you're coming to the chav breakfast party.

A chav breakfast party.

It's ironic, because chavs don't have breakfast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm definitely going to that breakfast chav party ironic thing.

Oh, and you're so clever for putting on the accent as well!

Oh, do give us a lift. Our driver's taking Mummy to the tennis.

'Course I will, girls, soon as I've got MY driver to hotwire this.

-Damo!

-No-one's come so far, mate.

-Another one.

-Oh, goody!

He's a well good driver,

although he's had 36 pills over the last three nights.

Naughty chauffeur!

So, while we're waiting,

-say something else in your common accent.

-Eh, is your dad a drummer?

Cos I would love to bang you.

And I assume your old man plays guitar.

Cos I would love to finger you.

That is exactly something a chav would say.

And don't tell me, your mum plays the cello,

cos I'd love to get between your thighs.

Damo, I'm running out.

Oh, gosh.

Um. And does one of you have a...cousin,

who plays...xylophone.

Who...

ENGINE STARTS

Oh, I'll tell you in the car, yeah?

Brunch is always a really tricky one to get reet,

and I'm cooking today for ten.

So I'm gonnae dae is make a really simple version of eggs Benedict.

Instead of poached eggs, I'm gonnae use boiled eggs,

and instead of bacon and hollandaise sauce, I'm gonnae use biscuits.

I'm gonnae use eight medium eggs per portion,

but if you're using small eggs, I'd go for 11.

You can, of course, boil them the traditional way in a pan,

but what I'm gonnae do is kettle-boil them.

Fill your kettle up with water and cram in as many eggs as you can.

Boil your kettle as normal.

This is the moment you find out if your leccy's on or not.

I'm in luck.

With kettle boiling, once it's boiled,

you need to keep your finger on the kettle button for 12 more minutes.

Be warned, your kitchen may get a little steamy,

so if you've got mould in your house, this will exacerbate it.

What I like to do is take a little bit of gaffer tape

and stick doon the kettle button.

When your 80 eggs are done, or 110 if you're using small ones,

it's time to think about your biscuits,

which I know can be a little intimidating.

Don't worry, I'm gonnae keep it simple.

Use whatever type of biscuit you think gans best with eggs.

I've gone for Jammie Dodgers,

for no other reason than they're expired.

I know I've got a hungry lot coming roond,

so I'm gonnae use four biscuits per egg, which works out at

32 Jammie Dodgers per person, or, if you've gone with small eggs, 44 Dodgers.

You know how much importance I place on presentation.

You've got tons of options here.

I'm gonnae keep it simple again and just put all the eggs

and biscuits in a bowl.

And there you have it.

One portion of eggs Benedict made simple.

Boiled eggs and past-their-best biscuits. Enjoy.

So, could you describe the lady?

It was actually a coloured lady.

Or as we've now been taught to say in the force, a blackie.

This looks interesting. Whack on the blues.

Tend to get a sixth sense for these things, actually.

SIREN SOUNDS ONCE THEN STOPS

-Excuse me, sir, mind if I ask a couple of questions, sir?

-Of course.

-Got any ID on you, please?

-Er, yes, I've got a driving licence.

-Yes, please.

-Yeah, where is it? Oh, yeah, there it is.

Argh!

He was about to blow himself up.

GROANS

Mr Harris who tried to kill himself!

Mr Harris who tried to kill himself.

Just checking the weather.

Yes.

Well, bit of a sticky wicket, this, for me.

Last time I gave advice to someone in your situation

the gentleman ran straight out of the surgery and killed himself.

But let's give it another crack, shall we?

Boom!

Anything?

Oh, no, that's hiccups.

Let's have a relaxed chat, yes? Have a coffee.

Right.

Yes.

Good man.

HE SLURPS

Yes.

Is this helping, just having someone to talk to?

Well, I have got a lot of feelings of worthlessness.

Have a Tic Tac.

I usually only give these to kids who've had a vaccine,

but as you've just tried to kill yourself...

I'm going to have one, as well.

Hmm.

Would you like to have a cry?

Go on, have a cry, have a cry, go on, man.

You probably should cry as unfortunately there's

absolutely nothing we can do about depression.

Well, somebody said something about anti-depressants.

Absolutely right, yes, anti-depressants,

of course, just the thing.

Prescription pad, prescription pad.

Right, so, anti-depressants.

Did he mention one?

Amitriptylene?

Yes, exactly!

How was he spelling it?

I don't know.

I'm just going to write down "anti-depressant".

The chemist will know which one.

I could look it up in a book, but it's all the way over there.

Well done.

Oh, one last thing -

cheer up, grumpy!

Great.

Four months into the season

and Jason's driving has become a talking point at the club.

Do you like me car, gaffer?

I heard, er, you crashed your car.

Yeah, this is another one. Cost me 200 grand.

Four days' wages.

Jason, er, this is the sixth car you are crash in two weeks.

It's not my fault, there's fucking trees everywhere.

Jason, we get you a driver, uh?

If you crash again you look stupid.

Not as stupid as you in your Citroen.

It's nearly three months old.

Unfortunately, after training,

Jason's involved in yet another accident.

But this time it's more serious.

Er, I'm so sorry to disturb you, but you're my son's favourite player.

He's downstairs in the kids' ward, he made you this card.

Can you not read? It's a private room, now fuck off.

The police are investigating the crash,

so Jason calls in top celebrity lawyer Adrian Irvine.

OK, Jason, you were in an incident on the fourth of the first.

In your own words, tell me exactly what happened.

I got coked off me head and drove into a wall.

OK, I think I've got enough there to get you off.

-How much do I owe you?

-£200,000.

Erm, I'm not sure I've got that on me, it might have to be a cheque.

-Fine.

-Cheers.

Jason leaves hospital, but on crutches,

and will miss three weeks of the season.

REPORTER: Jason, you're, you're missing some key games.

You must be, er, cursing your luck.

I'm off to Barbados for three weeks and the police never tested me

for cocaine, what do you mean cursing me luck?

Have you got a message for your team mates?

Erm, enjoy the January fixtures, I'm off to fuck someone on a boat.

-Cheers.

-Thank you, that's all.

-Jason, can we just get a photo?

-Jason, Jason!

Oh, my God!

Since becoming the breakout star of hit reality show The Only Way Is Macclesfield,

Gary Sedgmoore's life has gone stratospheric.

Now he's got his own show.

We've been given access all areas to bring you...

OMG LOL FYI, It's Gary. Smiley winky face emoticon.

OMG, how was the bike ride?

What bike ride?

You know, the charity bike ride.

Oh, that's what it was.

Argh, argh!

Yeah, it's been mental, I've just been totally me.

Hiya, Gary.

The thing about me is I'll just think things then I'll say them

and I think people respond to that. I mean, after all,

I'm just being Gary and people have responded to that.

How Gary was that?!

Gary, Gary!

I really like Gary.

When's he going to get here?

Gary, Gary, Gary!

And I was there for 45 minutes, and someone said, "You're Gary."

And I said, "How can I be Gary? I'm in the crowd shouting 'Gary'."

Anyway, they showed me photos, and I am Gary.

Felt like a right numpty.

So how much did you raise?

About a million pounds.

That is brilliant.

Oh, no, not a MILLION pounds, what's the other number?

Oh, that's it - nothing!

Gary, what about the money I sponsored you?

I think I ate that, Bev.

That is so Gary.

Ooh, Bev, I went out with all the celebs after the charity horse riding!

BOTH: Exciting! Spooky!

Tell me all the details.

Right, I just went in there, and they said,

"Read these letters off the board." And they covered me eye...

No, Gary, that's the opticians.

Ooh, shall we do what we did yesterday, Bev,

and breathe in and out of a Jiffy bag?

-BOTH: Yay!

-Ooh, bags me the Jiffy bag!

Yay!

Oh, my gosh, it's totally adorable.

Belinda! How are you?

LAUGHTER

-Have you seen it?

-Oh, my gosh!

Roddy!

I didn't know you were coming,

I thought you were in the Med this summer.

Everyone!

OK, this is "Lee" and "Damo".

Ha ha!

They refuse to come out of character.

Ooh, method chaps. Tell us more about Lee and Damo.

Yes, what do you do for a living, Lee?

Well, I ain't never really had a proper job.

I mean, I'm a part-time pizza delivery boy

but I left school at 12,

ain't got no qualifications and I've been chancing it ever since.

-Well done!

-So good.

And what about you, "Damo"?

Um... I was born in Brazil, and I used to be a woman.

It's hard, isn't it?

Hey, let's go upstairs so I can...

Oh, God, what's that phrase?

Nosh you off.

Yeah, qualit-ee!

Wait! I've got a question.

It's his party.

He thought he was the best chav.

If you really know your working classery

you'll know the answer to this.

What are the current state unemployment and child benefits?

GASPS

Under 25s get £56.25 a week, over 25s get 71 quid a week,

couples or civil partners get £111.45 a week, child benefits

is two separate amounts, £20.30 for your eldest child

and £13.40 for all of your other children,

and that's all true as of September 2012.

He's right!

APPLAUSE

Welcome to the party!

Bring these chaps some chav breakfasts.

Bacon and egg sandwiches.

They are sick.

Right.

You really are qualit-ee!

Let's go upstairs right now and get cracking, yeah.

-Er, now, if you want to sound proper...

-I do.

You'd say, let's go upstairs, right nah.

Let's go upstairs right nah.

And... I'll suck you off till you come on me tits.

And I'll suck you off till you come on me tits.

I think I've got it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know it,

you've got that right, you're tuned into THE station providing

drum and bass to the nation.

That's blowing the clubs away right now, big DJs spinning that one,

creating winds around the London scenes like a tornado tune.

Keep it locked down, keep it locked up with me, Kenny K.

Let's head to the texts, the tweets and the Facebook messages right now.

I asked you, what do you prefer, still water or fizzy water?

Jamal's tweeted in saying he's got mad love for still water.

Hughie from Solihull says he prefers fizzy water with food

but still water when he's thirsty.

I can't see no-one disagreeing with that, Hughie,

universal truth, I would say there, my brother.

OK, there's such still water love coming through today,

completely different from when I asked the same question last week.

Jayjo 1920 texted me to say he likes fizzy water

but not when it's too fizzy.

Jayjo 1920, I know exactly where you're coming from,

if it's too fizzy it ain't busy, if you know what I'm saying,

felt that myself nuff times.

OK, we've got someone who's anonymously texted,

he's saying he likes still water, please drop your name in,

they're nowhere near as interesting without your names.

-Check this.

-MUSIC PLAYS

-Excuse me, have you got two seconds, please, two seconds?

-No, no.

Sir, have you got two seconds for charity, please? Come on.

Madam, two seconds, please, please, come on.

-Excuse me, sir, have you got two seconds, please?

-Oh, sorry, I need to get to a meeting.

Oh, fuck me!

Alan fucking Sugar are we? Well don't you worry about helping out,

then, some other fucker will help look after these overweight cats.

You just fuck off to your important meeting.

Only joking, shitty bollocks!

Fuck your meeting! Here's a pen, get your fucking details down.

Keep it neat, you prick! Do you think the people in the office

want to spend all day trying to decipher your name?

Sort code now.

I, I don't know it.

Well, get your fucking debit card out, you useless shite.

Sorry, but what exactly is...?

Nyah, nyah, nyah - what is fucking what, Mr Fucking Question Time?

All you need to know is three quid a month is

gonna help a cat lose some weight.

That's smashing, thanks a lot, and you get a free cat-shaped rubber.

Brilliant, cheers. Excuse me have you got two seconds, please?

Oh, my days, Shazeem has come in with a crazy Facebook message

right here, right now, with me, Kenny K.

Hold tight as I read this one out from Shazeem.

He says he prefers still water but has never tried fizzy water.

No way, man, Shazeem, I ain't even sure if you're winding me up, man,

if you're not that's a mad fact you just spilled out there.

If you are winding me up, then fair play, that's a good wind-up.

My days, man, Shazeem, I ain't gonna get over that one in a hurry.

Ros has just tweeted saying she can't make up her mind

which one she prefers, can she let me know tomorrow?

No problem, Ros. Check this.

MUSIC PLAYS

Yah, completely.

LAUGHS

Totalis, yah, we're meeting tomorrow midday,

Hyde Park Corner, and we're aiming to have Tibet freed by 4ish.

OK, ciao.

Love the dreads, man, they're awesome!

Whoa, I am like a lion in Zion!

Ah, me know why you gotta the window open!

You no want a people to smell-a your sensei, awesome.

Were you involved in the riots?

I betta you gotta yourself some good shit and ting.

# Don't worry about a ting

# Every lickle ting gonna be irie. #

Single to Aldwych.

He says single Al-dwych.

-NORMAL VOICE:

-Friend, here's a 20, will you snip a sniff?

What you talking about?

I know you've got to say that for the 5-0, the Babylon,

but I'm one of you, in my heart I'm black.

Got to get me some herba.

Dat could be my weekend sorted, if you know what I mean, ah.

Ooh, come Sunday me tummy go rumble, time to order me some munchy pizza.

Can I get out here, please.

Oh, bloody hell, just cos we're going past a Nando's doesn't mean

he's gonna stop the bus.

Rraasclaat!

Ooh, new Abercrombie and Fitch,

Actually, might get out here myself, bro.

And, bro, don't stop unless YOU want to.

You're not their slave any more.

Irie, peace, Jihad!

Hello, today's weather in Scotland.

Central, Southern Scotland particularly looking grey,

temperatures plummeting, very, very cold indeed,

ideal to let the wee ones in the paddling pool.

Thursday, freezing fog settling into the Western Isles

and that fog will remain there for the next two years.

Friday, fairly balmy night,

temperatures up to minus 8, later on, freezing gales, heavy sleet,

exceptionally windy - expect some deaths.

In summary, distressing.

Thank you for sending in your photos.

Here are some stitches on someone's face,

here's a shoe on a bus shelter,

and here's an elderly gentleman who's been knocked off his bike.

Good night.

You know what I mean, oh yeah,

we're the Manchester M21 gang, innit, bang.

Yeah, AK the Manchester Mental Heads,

bang, bang, bang, do you know what I mean?

Oh, AK the Manchester Maddos.

Yeah, we get like well pissed off and whatever, course we do,

do you know what I mean, we go shoplifting,

do you know what I mean, though? That's why we do these things,

though, cos we're so fucking bored, do you know what I mean? There's nothing to do.

I mean people say, like, why don't you do summat wiv your lives?

Thing is, we have. I mean, Degsy's set up a scheme which recycles

school textbooks to the poorest communities in South East Asia

in order to improve basic literacy.

I mean, he's put the most of the last three years

of his life into this. But do you understand the levels

of corruption in South East Asian governments? They've stopped

the scheme in its tracks, the whole project's ground to a halt.

So of course he's gonna shove shit through people's letter boxes.

Fucking bored. Bang.

Sorry I'm late, everyone. I've had my Land Rover stolen.

GASPS

Shall we quickly get noshing?

No, hang on, darling. What happened, Julian?

I stopped to buy chav props - scratch cards, cans of Fanta

and so forth - to add to the roast chicken garage crisps that

I'd already bought in the back of the car.

-I really think we ought to get this noshing under way.

-No, hang on, darling.

The next thing I know, it's gone!

HE LAUGHS

No way! You had the Land Rover nicked with

a packet of roast chicken crisps in the back.

I just nicked a Land Rover with a packet of roast chicken crisps.

How mental is that!

What?! You thieving bastard!

You stole this gentleman's Land Rover!

You stupid, stupid Shane.

I think he's in on it as well.

What's your real name?

Um, I'm actually Sebastian, the 4th Earl of Glasgow.

Nonsense, I'm Sebastian the 4th Earl of Glasgow.

They're REAL chavs!

You could have been stabbed.

No, you've got us all wrong.

Would a chav know how to do this?

Run, Damo!

SCREAMS AND SHOUTS

PULSING DANCE MUSIC

MUSIC REACHING CLIMAX

MUSIC STOPS SUDDENLY

Ah...

Has anyone got the wifi code?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd