Episode 5 Lee Nelson's Well Funny People


Episode 5

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This programme contains strong language and adult humour

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Finally got him off, I didn't want him to disturb Benson.

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What are you up to, nutter?

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Run out of weed, innit.

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And you know what I heard?

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Apparently, if you smoke banana skins, it gives you a proper buzz.

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Oh, that's bollocks. Innit?

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Ignition.

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Thank you, Captain.

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One small step for man, one giant banana spliff for mankind.

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THEY GIGGLE

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HE COUGHS

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That is rank. Oh.

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Oi, what else has Amber got?

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Yes.

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COUGHING

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All right, ginger - give me a headache.

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-Mint - made you feel sick.

-Yeah.

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-Cumin seeds.

-Made my feet tingle.

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THEY LAUGH

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-All right. Chilli. Extremely flammable. Dill.

-BOTH: Nah, nothin'.

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Chutney - couldn't get it to light.

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What's this one, tarragon, any good?

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Ain't tried it.

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Well, for the 54th time, light her up.

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Oh, my gosh! I ain't kidding ya, this is as good as weed.

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HE LAUGHS

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Yes, yes, I can't feel my legs! Yeah.

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We've invented the tarragon spliff. It's only 89p a jar.

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Hey, this must be how Stephen Hawkins felt

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when he invented gravity.

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Let's take it to Craig's tomorrow.

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Yay.

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Today I'm making a British classic, Welsh rarebit,

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but instead of cheese I'm going to use biscuits.

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Let's start with the bread.

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Choosing your bread is so important for the flavour of the dish.

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I'm using an own-brand, value-range, white loaf.

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This one was reduced as it was sold on the day of the sell-by date.

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You can toast the bread but it will achieve exactly the same effect

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but with a lot less effort.

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Just leave the bread out on a plate over night.

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If you like it really toasty, make that two nights.

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Here's some I left out yesterday.

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Have a listen to that.

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SCRATCHES BREAD

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Toast sound without wasting any leccie.

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Now onto the biscuits.

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A lot of people ask what's the best biscuit as a stand-in for cheese?

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Well the answer is Oreos.

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The first thing you're going to need to do is

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split your Oreos in half dead carefully,

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making sure you keep equal amounts of white cream filling

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on either half of the split biscuit.

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I'm going to use me debit card.

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There you go.

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Use about six Oreo halves per stale bread slice

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or ten if you're a bit of a fat bastard.

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Whack under the grill until the cream filling starts to bubble.

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If you divn't have a grill just sit on it.

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Grilled Oreos always smell delicious.

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Don't forget a splash of Worcester sauce

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or, if you haven't any to hand, use crisps.

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And there you gone, biscuit Welsh rarebit for one.

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Know what I mean though, yeah, we're the Manchester M21 gang, bang.

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You know what I mean?

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AKA the Manchester Mental Heads. Bang, bang, bang.

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Do you know what I mean? AKA the Manchester Maddos.

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Yeah, we get smashed off our heads, won't we.

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You know what I mean, cars as well, yeah. We go joy riding or whatever.

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Do you know what I mean? Why not?

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Do you know why we do these things though?

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Cos we're so bored, know what I mean,

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there's nothing to fucking do.

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People say, "Why don't you do something with your lives?"

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The thing is, we have.

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I mean, Kieran spent four and a half years developing

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a revolutionary new lithium battery for electric cars.

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It's got a range of 14,000 miles off a single charge,

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top speed of 200 miles per hour.

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He sent a blueprint off to one of the major Japanese car makers

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to see if they were interested in developing the project.

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Didn't hear a thing from them, next thing you know, they're

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producing a brand-new electric car with Kieran's exact battery.

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They completely nicked his idea but because he knew

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nothing of the patent laws he hasn't got a leg to stand on.

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He's lost out on an estimated 2.3 billion quid

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and that's a conservative estimate

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so of course he's going to set fire to the community centre.

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Bang.

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Sorry, everyone.

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I'm just dealing with an emergency.

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Just trying to get a young man in kidney failure admitted

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but it might take some time.

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(SHOUTING) Holloway Odeon.

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Holloway Odeon.

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Alvin and the Chipmunks in 3D.

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One ticket.

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Student concession.

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2.30 performance.

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Barclaycard.

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4929 1800 2001.

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Expire 11/14.

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Security number.

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660, 660,

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662!

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Now fuck off!

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I'm so sorry.

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Right, I'm afraid I'm going to have to

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go down to the hospital and knock some heads together.

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Popcorn's good for the kidneys.

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This is good. This is very good.

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Moroccan, innit?

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Correct first time, got it from the capital of Morocco.

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I'll pay you a grand a key. How much can you get me?

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As much as you can handle as long as the supermarkets open on a Sunday.

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HE LAUGHS

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That's funny.

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You remind me of me when I was your age.

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Craig, we was in the same class at school, you bell end.

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Yeah, but I was like three months older than you, innit.

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-Look, just get me my shit, yeah.

-All right, all right.

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So do you want anything from the supermarket while we're there?

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That ain't funny the second time, yeah.

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THEY CHEER

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I can't believe we're going to be tarragon millionaires.

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BOTH: Yeeees!

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Hello and welcome to Praise Be To Jesus television

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with me Pastor Daniel Boule.

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Today I would like to talk to you about Noah and the flood.

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What is the main message we should take from

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this inspirational bible story?

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The answer is - don't be gay.

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Why was all of humanity wiped out in the flood and only Noah saved?

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Because everyone apart from Noah was thinking about dick.

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During Noah's time there was a huge amount of dick devilry and

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when God looked down upon the earth

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and saw a man touching another man's buttocks,

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God started to cry and his tears fell upon the earth as rain.

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And when God looked again, this time he saw a man putting another

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man's shaved balls in his mouth.

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God was inconsolable and tears became a flood.

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But all of good Noah's thoughts were completely dick-free and instead

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he built an ark where he could safely think about tits and fanny.

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So he was saved.

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Once all the gays were washed away,

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God placed a rainbow in the sky which was a lovely symbol

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until the gays stole it and put it on their flags.

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So please, let Jesus into your life and stop thinking about dick. Amen.

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DRUM AND BASS MUSIC

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Got the craziest hits heading your way in the next

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couple of hours of the show but now let's head to the texts,

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let's head to the tweets and let's head to them Facebook messages.

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I asked you, do you wear a watch?

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Marco from Crystal Palace says yes, he does wear a watch.

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Tasha from Cumberland says she's got two watches - one for work,

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one for going out - but they're both silver.

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Oh, my gosh, that's a great second text.

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Isaac from Stoke Newington says no watch

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but if he did have a watch, he would wear it.

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That's also a good third text.

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Zoe from Exeter says, "Does anyone know the exact time right now?"

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Yes, I do, Zoe. I'm lucky enough to have a well big clock

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up here in the studio.

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OK, Graham from Peterborough says he has a watch

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but he doesn't give the colour.

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Please come back in with the colour, people.

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I know I didn't ask but it's a process, people.

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It's between me and you.

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'Jason's formed a strong friendship with new Brazilian, Luka,

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'but they're soon in trouble with the manager.'

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What is this, Jason? I tell you many times about this.

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Oh, sorry, mustn't fuck a prostitute. I forgot about that.

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And Luka is new here, you should be helping him.

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This damages both your reputations.

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Hey, you won't say that if you see her. Here, have a look.

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Check out the jebs on her.

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No. How you do this anyway? We were only in Swansea three hours.

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Immediately dressing room, warm up, game, warm down then back on coach.

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When you do this?

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Half time.

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HE SIGHS

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This is really not acceptable, Jason.

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I scored a goal, so fuck off. Come on, Luka.

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'With Jason's form dipping and Luka scoring nine goals in seven games

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'the manager's got plans for the young Brazilian.'

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Luka, I'm very impressed with how you're working

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and I'm thinking of pushing you up from midfield

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and playing you as centre forward in the next few games.

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Eddie.

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Long shot up front to your target man,

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back of the fucking onion bag. Watch, watch and fight for it.

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OK.

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BONE SNAPS, HE SCREAMS

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You dived, foreign prick.

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HE SPITS

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Are you all right, son?

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Fuck off.

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Yeah, I'm gutted for the lad.

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Erm, I think the injury came about cos he's struggling to

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adapt to the pace of the Premier League.

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Erm, is he expected to be fit again soon?

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Yeah, as soon as his tibia's healed

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and his cruciates are sewn back together.

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Em, hopefully, we'll see him back in two or three years.

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Cheers, boys.

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ENGINE STARTS

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So do I pay you up front?

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OK, Nadia here, doesn't wear a watch, great text.

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Alex from Deptford said he got a watch for his birthday,

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he likes it but it's slightly too big.

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Oh, my gosh, I'm feeling your pain.

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OK, Patrick from Bootle says his watch is water resistant.

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Does that mean he can swim with it or just get it a little bit wet?

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That's a mad good question, I will Google that right now myself, man.

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You do not want to get that watch mashed up.

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Bill from Matlock says he's got a watch but he doesn't wear it.

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OK, listen, some mad confusion going out there on texts

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and the tweets and on Facebook.

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I'm asking - do you WEAR a watch? Not - do you OWN a watch? OK.

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That's going to be tomorrow's texter. Check this.

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DUBSTEP MUSIC PLAYS

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SHOOTING GAME ON COMPUTER

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What's all this stuff?

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Where did you get the money for this?

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Oh, I sold some sperm.

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THEY LAUGH

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Seriously, where d'ya get the money?

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Oh, we sold 950 jars of tarragon.

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What?

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Yeah, we discovered tarragon has the same effect as weed,

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bought a tonne of it, sold it to Craig for a grand.

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No, you discovered I keep my weed in a tarragon jar.

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Yeah.

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I keep my weed in the tarragon jar.

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Yeah.

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Craig has paid you £1,000 for some tarragon.

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Yeah, that's all right though, babe.

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Hey! Fuck!

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Well, it'll go well with chicken.

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And you spent all the money?

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Yeah, but I didn't forget you, babe.

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I got you a well good present, it's a mounted singing fish.

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It is a good present.

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Craig is going to batter you. What're you going to do?

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Oh, got it!

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Apparently, if you smoke banana skins, it gives you a proper buzz.

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Damo, your memory really has gone to shit.

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Now we'll get battered by Craig unless we come up with a plan.

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Excuse me, have you got two seconds, please?

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-No, no.

-It's for charity, it's for charity.

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Excuse me, have you got two seconds please, just two seconds.

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Two seconds for charity.

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Excuse me, have you got two seconds, please.

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Sorry, we're off to the theatre.

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Oh, now I've fucking heard everything.

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If you think watching a bunch of pricks pretending to be a different

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bunch of pricks is more important than helping out short sighted

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badgers who are bumping into shite left, right and centre, while you

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piss off to some gobshite show, you need your fucking heads examining.

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Now fill out the form, you dickhead. Come on.

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Fuck off, eight quid!

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Your norm is 15, if you can afford the theatre every night.

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Bank details, account number, you know the fucking drill.

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Smashing. And you get free entry to the sanctuary where you can

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see the badgers living comfortably in a padded environment.

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Thanks a lot.

0:16:120:16:14

Excuse me, have you got two seconds please, just two seconds.

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BBC News with me, Rabbi Steeblestein.

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Tonight's headlines - not tonight, I cannot concentrate.

0:16:220:16:26

I found a lump on my arm, I'm sure it's nothing

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but at my age, who wouldn't worry.

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You think you could get an appointment with the GP the same day.

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Oy, oy, oy! If anyone knows what this is, just here, there.

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Agh, let's go to the sport. It's a girl.

0:16:380:16:40

Does that make sense? To me, it doesn't.

0:16:400:16:43

Hello, today's weather in Scotland.

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Starting off, thick fog, overcast, sleet, some showers.

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Seeing some chance of moving down the Western parts of Scotland,

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looking ideal for a picnic.

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Wednesday, starting with freezing fog moving along the coast.

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In Dunfermline, deep fog, biting winds, driving sleet.

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Sounds good for the barbecue.

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Thursday, bitingly cold, easterly gale starting to pick up.

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Out towards the west, see temperatures there,

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nice thick frost, could reach a balmy two.

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Frost, fog, hail, thunder, sort of like a cracking day.

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And the summary - bleak.

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Thanks for sending in your photos. Here's one of a dog taking a shite.

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Here's a sofa that's been left on a pavement.

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Finally, here's some children with rickets.

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Goodnight.

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Yeah, yeah, you would, yeah. Ah, brilliant.

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All right, later, yeah.

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Cracked it.

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THEY CHEER

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But you, babe, need to do us a little favour.

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Would you, just for this weekend, go on the game?

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If it helps persuade you, out of the five people I've just belled,

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four of them said they would be interested in banging you for money.

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How about I save Craig a job and batter you myself?

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-I've got it.

-Yes, I've got it too, at the same time.

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It's obvious what you do.

0:18:250:18:26

Yeah, I mean there's an obvious one here, innit.

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I've got it under control.

0:18:280:18:30

Yeah, you phone up the coppers.

0:18:300:18:31

Yeah, I had that bit, the phoning the coppers bit, obviously.

0:18:310:18:34

And you tell them that Craig's lock up is full of drugs.

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Tell them it's chock-a-block with the stuff.

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-And then you call Craig.

-Next call you do is to Craig.

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And you tell him there's going to be a raid.

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-Mention it's going to rain.

-Nah, a raid.

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Yes, with a D.

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-But he shouldn't worry cos you'll take care of it.

-That bit.

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And then...

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We're coming to the end of it now.

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You sit down and play on the X-Box until...

0:18:540:18:58

Final part of it.

0:18:580:19:00

Until Craig comes round and says thanks for sorting it out for me.

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Of course, Craig's going to come round and thank me.

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And that's it. You're off the hook.

0:19:060:19:09

Yes, that's the end of it, that's the plan, sorted.

0:19:090:19:12

Why is Craig going to thank me?

0:19:150:19:16

Because when the police raid his lock up, there won't

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be any weed and Craig will think you swapped it all for tarragon.

0:19:200:19:24

Oh, my gosh, that's genius.

0:19:240:19:27

-So just to be clear, I don't have to do a thing.

-Exactly.

0:19:270:19:31

Result. Amber, I love you.

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Yeah, but five minutes ago you were asking me

0:19:340:19:36

to sleep with people for money.

0:19:360:19:38

Would you still be up for it?

0:19:380:19:40

I'll bell Craig, yeah.

0:19:400:19:42

Send them in please, Rosemary.

0:19:440:19:46

Having a good mufti day, are ya?

0:19:490:19:51

Mufti day's good, innit?

0:19:510:19:53

Like, you don't have to wear school uniform,

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get a bit of freedom, bit of choice.

0:19:550:19:58

Just pay a pound, don't ya. Goes to charity.

0:19:580:20:02

Cushty, everyone's happy.

0:20:020:20:05

What'd you three do when I give you a bit of freedom, hey?

0:20:060:20:10

Bit of choice.

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Bit of independence.

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Bit of responsibility.

0:20:180:20:21

You take the piss.

0:20:230:20:25

I give you the gift of mufti day and this is how you repay me.

0:20:250:20:29

You mack me off like a wanker!

0:20:290:20:31

I'm getting stressed out.

0:20:330:20:35

You know what I do when I get stressed out?

0:20:430:20:46

I go fishing, I've got me own boat.

0:20:460:20:50

Keep it down Southend, take it out at the North Sea.

0:20:520:20:56

Yeah, you only have to go a couple of miles,

0:20:560:20:59

feels like you're in the middle of the Atlantic.

0:20:590:21:02

Yeah, no-one about.

0:21:020:21:04

You ever seen a body after it's been in the water a couple of hours?

0:21:050:21:09

Gets all puffed up like a balloon.

0:21:090:21:11

And then the crabs come along and they always start up with the eyes

0:21:130:21:17

and work their way down the rest of the body.

0:21:170:21:20

A couple of hours later, there's nothing left.

0:21:200:21:23

You know what, you three should come down for the weekend.

0:21:280:21:33

Yeah, and we can all go fishing together. The four of us.

0:21:330:21:37

It'd be a laugh, wouldn't it?

0:21:370:21:39

HE CHUCKLES

0:21:390:21:40

That'd be a lot of fun, wouldn't it?

0:21:400:21:43

HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

0:21:430:21:45

You up for it?

0:21:450:21:47

I can't hear ya.

0:21:480:21:49

ALL: No, headmaster.

0:21:490:21:51

Well you'd better piss off out of here

0:21:510:21:53

and get some sensible fucking clothes on then.

0:21:530:21:56

Go on, and you might as well take

0:21:560:21:59

your stupid little mufti day shitty pound coins with ya.

0:21:590:22:03

Rosemary, I'm ready to see the boy who come in a skirt.

0:22:070:22:11

Do I know?

0:22:180:22:19

'Last night, holiday rep Chris organised one of his famous parties

0:22:190:22:23

'and, as usual, there's been some damage.'

0:22:230:22:26

Listen, if I could turn the clocks back,

0:22:260:22:28

I'd still play indoor bonfire fuckfest.

0:22:280:22:31

Yeah, all right, cheers. Oh, Chloe.

0:22:310:22:35

What is it?

0:22:350:22:36

Well, you know we burnt half the hotel down last night?

0:22:360:22:39

Yorgos says he won't take it any further if you'll fuck him.

0:22:390:22:44

-Yeah, all right.

-Cheers, Chloe.

0:22:440:22:46

Thing is he wants to go bareback

0:22:460:22:48

and he's probably got a shed-load of diseases.

0:22:480:22:51

No, that's fine, Chris.

0:22:510:22:53

Sorry, Chloe, he's a fucking deviant.

0:22:530:22:56

Honestly, Chris, it's no problem.

0:22:560:22:58

Well, it won't be forgotten on your assessment.

0:22:580:23:00

'Later on, Chris and fellow rep Chloe gather the group

0:23:020:23:05

'to tell them some news.'

0:23:050:23:07

OK, guys, now I've just had a phone call from Katie's mum.

0:23:070:23:11

GROUP: Oooooh!

0:23:110:23:13

I was going to tell you personally but I thought it'd be

0:23:140:23:17

a lot funnier to announce it in front of the group.

0:23:170:23:19

What, is it me exams?

0:23:190:23:21

No. Your dad's died.

0:23:210:23:24

THEY ALL CHEER

0:23:240:23:27

-Bloody sod, Chris.

-Come on, it's funny, isn't it?

0:23:280:23:32

Yeah, it is, but bloody hell.

0:23:320:23:34

THEY LAUGH

0:23:340:23:35

Hey, we'll make it up to you.

0:23:350:23:36

You are not going to pay for a single drink tonight,

0:23:360:23:39

isn't that right, everyone?

0:23:390:23:41

THEY ALL CHEER

0:23:410:23:42

Hey, let's get going.

0:23:420:23:44

I want all the girls to go to their rooms and dress like absolute slags.

0:23:440:23:49

THEY CHEER

0:23:490:23:51

Lads, I want you to go and take some amphetamines, get yourselves

0:23:510:23:54

nice and aggressive, we're going to have a fucking big one tonight.

0:23:540:23:59

THEY CHANT

0:23:590:24:01

Everyone. Let's get fucked up!

0:24:010:24:04

LOUD DANCE MUSIC

0:24:050:24:08

ALL: Shot, shot, shot, shot!

0:24:080:24:11

Yeah!

0:24:110:24:13

ALL: Shot, shot, shot, shot!

0:24:160:24:19

THEY CHEER

0:24:230:24:26

Are you all right, Chloe?

0:24:300:24:31

-It's just so sore. He's an animal.

-Urgh.

0:24:310:24:34

It'll be fine. But he's still grumbling about his hotel.

0:24:340:24:37

We'll have to think of something else.

0:24:370:24:39

Bloody hell, it's only a hotel.

0:24:390:24:40

Come on, more shots, more shots.

0:24:400:24:43

ALL: Shot, shot, shot, shot!

0:24:430:24:46

ALL: Banana shot, banana shot, banana shot!

0:24:460:24:50

ALL: Chug, chug, chug!

0:24:500:24:52

ALL: Fish bowl, fish bowl, fish bowl!

0:24:520:24:56

THEY CHEER

0:24:560:24:58

ALL: Shot, shot, shot, shot!

0:24:590:25:02

Shots. Do some shots.

0:25:080:25:11

Put it in her mouth.

0:25:120:25:14

GIRL: Shot, shot, shot, shot!

0:25:140:25:16

You know CPR, don't ya?

0:25:170:25:18

I said I did but I don't.

0:25:180:25:21

THEY ALL LAUGH

0:25:210:25:22

Oh, blimey, she's dead as well. Her mum is going to be gutted.

0:25:240:25:30

I'll text in the morning, I'm sure she'll see the funny side.

0:25:300:25:32

THEY LAUGH

0:25:320:25:34

CRAIG: Where is he? Where is he?!

0:25:390:25:41

I owe you big time, bruv.

0:25:470:25:49

You're a genius.

0:25:510:25:53

Nah.

0:25:530:25:54

I'm telling you, blood. Proper big time.

0:25:540:25:57

So how'd you get hold of all that tarragon?

0:25:570:25:59

We just happened to have 1,000 jars in the cupboard.

0:25:590:26:02

It goes very well with chicken.

0:26:020:26:05

Well, you sorted me out proper.

0:26:050:26:07

And as a little thank you, I brought some of the stash I bought off ya.

0:26:070:26:13

Let's skin up right now, blood.

0:26:130:26:15

(LAUGHING) Yay.

0:26:150:26:17

Nah, better idea.

0:26:190:26:22

Apparently, if you smoke banana skins it gives you a proper buzz.

0:26:220:26:27

Safe! Let's do it, man.

0:26:290:26:32

Yesss!

0:26:320:26:34

Oi, where'd you hear that from?

0:26:340:26:37

DANCE MUSIC

0:26:420:26:44

MUSIC STOPS

0:27:120:27:14

PEOPLE BOO

0:27:140:27:17

The previous guy set this up for me and I knew this would happen.

0:27:170:27:21

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