Episode 6 Lee Nelson's Well Funny People


Episode 6

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This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

0:00:020:00:04

Stairwell, can you lay the table, I want to talk to your dad?

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Oh, please, he's about to kill the last hooker.

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Go on, Stairwell.

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Oh.

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Ah, I see, getting Stairwell out the picture, you dirty girl.

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Are we finally going to do that thing I been asking you about?

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Get the basics right first, babe.

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I been watching more videos about it.

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Babe, it's been three months

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since you lost your job at the petrol station.

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Yeah, that wasn't my fault.

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I thought they said you could smoke on the forecourt.

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-I think you wanted to lose that job.

-The hours were killing me -

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10 in the morning till four in the afternoon.

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You try doing that two days a week,

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every other week!

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Well, either, way it's time you got a job and I'm being serious.

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We need the money. You gotta grow up.

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-No, no.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

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-Shotgun not take it!

-< STAIRWELL: Shotgun not take it!

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Oh, hi, Elliot.

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-Can Lee come out, please?

-I dunno.

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Oh, please, Amber, please, I promise I'll be mature.

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Please, let me play, please, let me play - yes.

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Will you be back for tea?

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DOG BARKS

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Yeah, go on, Benson.

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MUSIC: "A-Punk" by Vampire Weekend

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Yeah!

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I love this, man.

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What a buzz, yeah.

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Yes!

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-Hey, am I too heavy for you.

-No, mate.

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It's so good you can't feel your legs.

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Mrs Fine with the itchy vagina.

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Mrs Fine with the itchy vagina!

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Well, what's the problem, dear?

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My vagina's really quite itchy.

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I knew that, I just didn't want to say and embarrass you.

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Pop your top off dear.

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Yes.

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Yes.

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Yes. Mm-hm.

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Good.

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So, tell me a bit about your vagina.

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On a scale of 1 to 10,

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where one is not itchy at all

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and 10 is, "Oh, shit, itchy..."

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..how itchy is your vagina?

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A six.

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Yes, that's normal.

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And on a scale of 1 to 10 where one is not achy at all

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and 10 is, "Oh, Jesus, that's achy shit..."

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..how achy is your vagina?

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About a six again.

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Yes, that's fine.

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And on a scale of 1 to 10 where one is not burny at all

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and 10 is, "Oh, oh,

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"argh, so burny..."

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..how burny is your vagina?

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Probably a six again.

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That's unusual.

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So on the itchy, achy, burny scale

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you're coming in with a total IAB of 18.

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Well done. That puts you sixth place on the leader board.

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Yes, Mrs Ryecroft was unfathomably burny and pretty damn itchy.

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Now, strictly speaking, I should examine your vagina

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but I think we probably both agree I'm better off staying out of there.

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Well, it could be a number of things,

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it's almost impossible to tell without looking.

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But I'm going to go for some sort of...

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..infection. OK with you?

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Great. So I'm going to give you...

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Prescription pad.

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There she is. Antibiotics...

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..and a fork for scratching.

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I highly recommend you don't use your vagina for a week.

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Good.

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Yeah, we're the Manchester M21 gang.

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Bang, bang, bang! Do you know what I mean though?

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AKA the Manchester Mental Heads.

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Come on. Do you know what I mean though?

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AKA the Manchester Maddoes.

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Bang! Do you know what I mean though?

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Yeah, we get high on drugs or whatever.

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Yeah, we'll nick cars. Do you know what I mean though?

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Do you know why we do these things though? Cos we're so fucking bored.

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Know what I mean? There's nothing to do. People say, know what

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I mean like, "Why don't you do something with your lives?" We have.

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I mean Carl, right, he set up a touch and feel classical music group

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for autistic kids to give them some stimulation cos they do need that.

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I've been to one of his workshops. Fucking blew me away.

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But do you understand the hoops you have to jump through to get a safety

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certificate to work with special needs kids in public buildings?

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Council have turned him down flat

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so course he's going to stab a copper.

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Bang.

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Testing yourself as a chef is really important

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so today I'm going to whack you through a sushi and rice recipe.

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To keep it nice and straightforward, instead of raw fish,

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I'm going to use crisps.

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And instead of rice -

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biscuits.

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The crisps I've chosen are the most suitable raw fish substitutes.

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Wotsits.

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Buy one pack per person

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unless you're catering for a load of fat bastards.

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Lay out your Wotsits on a tray

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and leave 'em oot for a few hours to slightly harden.

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Noo, while the crisps are getting stale you need to

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turn your attention to your biscuits.

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They're replacing rice

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so the biscuit of choice is coconut macaroons.

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You're going to need to crumble up a lot of macaroons

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and the simplest way I dee this is to run 'em over in your car.

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To get the consistency right on these,

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I went back and forward eight times

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but that will vary depending on the make and model of your car.

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If you don't have a car,

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just gently place your macaroons on a railway line.

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Sushi is traditionally wrapped in Japanese seaweed

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but just as tasty and far simpler to get hold of

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are dock leaves.

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I got these from me estate communal area.

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Lay out a dock leaf.

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Sprinkle on a handful of crushed coconut macaroons and place

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a single stale Wotsit on top of that

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and then wrap it all nice and tight.

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And slice it in half with a Stanley knife.

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There we gone - looks cracking.

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You'll need to repeat that for each individual crisp.

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To keep up the Japanese theme, why not eat it all with chopsticks?

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Or, as I've done,

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use a couple of carrots.

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And there we have it.

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That's sushi and rice made simple

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with crisps, dock leaves and biscuits.

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Oh my, God!

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Since becoming the breakout star of hit reality show

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The Only Way Is Macclesfield,

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Gary Sedgemore's life has gone stratospheric.

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THEY SCREAM

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Now he's got his own show.

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We've been given access all areas to bring you...

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OMG LOL FYI it's Gary.

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Smiley, winky face emoticon.

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God, it's Beverley!

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THEY SCREAM EXCITEDLY

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I was just thinking about you.

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I was just thinking about you!

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BOTH: Spooky!

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I've missed you.

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I missed you too.

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Where have you been?

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To the front door to get these.

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BOTH: Papers!

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BOTH: Spooky!

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Which one of us thought of spooky.

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BOTH: You did.

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BOTH: Spooky.

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BOTH: Spooky!

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BOTH: Spooky!

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BOTH: Spooky!

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BOTH: Spooky!

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Thing is, I'm just Gary and I think that's what people like.

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I mean, you could pay me a million pounds and I'd be still be Gary

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but just with a million pounds.

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Oh, my gosh, I had a nightmare when I got home last night.

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It was all pitch black in the house.

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Did you try turning on the lights?

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Oh, my gosh, that is so Gary.

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Embarrassed-faced emoticon with some glasses on.

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-Have you seen? You're front page.

-No!

-Yeah!

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-No!

-Yeah!

-No!

-Yeah!

-No!

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Gary, stop it, you're going to pass out again.

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-Gary!

-Gary!

-Gary, come on.

-Gary!

-Over here, Gary.

-Gary!

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Oh, my God! I've been facing the wrong way. How Gary is that?

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I'm just me. I'm not like someone who you know, just, sort of...

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Do you know what I mean? I'm just Gary.

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I like him cos he's always Gary. He's like unique like that.

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What happened? You wet yourself.

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I know. I didn't know where the toilets were

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and I didn't want to ask so I just went.

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-Oh, my gosh, I can't believe you did that.

-I know. It was mad.

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No-one would've seen either

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but I collected an award I wasn't even nominated for.

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Why did you do that?

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I forgot my name.

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I thought it was Richard Hammond.

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-But it's not. It's Gary.

-I know.

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How Richard Hammond is that?

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I mean, how Gary is that?

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I'm Gary.

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-I know. That's what people like about you.

-I know.

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I've wet myself again.

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Hello and welcome to Praise Be To Jesus Television

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with me Pastor Daniel Boule.

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I like to talk to you today about the story of the Good Samaritan.

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A man lies injured along the roadside.

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A priest approaches and walks on by.

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A Levite approaches and he too walks past.

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Finally, a Samaritan approaches and stops to help the injured man.

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What can we learn from this?

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You should not be gay.

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The priest and Levite walked past the injured man

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because they were both thinking about dick.

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They hardly even saw the injured man

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because they were both walking really fast

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in order to get to a gay party.

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But the Samaritan was able to stop

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because he was not a dick devil.

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The Samaritan was a good man

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and was thinking about fanny and tits.

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The Samaritan could easily have taken advantage of the situation.

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He could have thought, "A helpless man.

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"I will pull his trousers down and munch his dick."

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But he did not.

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The Samaritan could easily taken his own dick out

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and slapped it across the injured man's face again and again

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just for pleasure but he did not do any of these things

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because he wanted to go and stick his dick in a lady's hairy fanny.

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Please, let Jesus into your life

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and stop thinking about dick. Amen.

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Oi, them rims are sick, yeah.

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-Yeah, yeah, brand new. 100 quid.

-Ah, how do you afford that?

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Disability benefits, innit?

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Oi, you ain't still got your old wheelchair, has you?

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Mr Nelson, we have no record of you being disabled.

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I didn't want to be a burden on the NHS so when I got disabled

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my Mum just bought a load of cream and dealt with it at home.

0:13:460:13:49

Right, so what's the level of your disability?

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Well, just about the sort of level you need for full benefits.

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So you can't feed yourself.

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Nah, not without a fork.

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Do you need any help in the bath?

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Always a bonus, innit? Cheeky slag.

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Can you cook a main meal?

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Sadly not.

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OK, Mr Nelson, I think that's all the information I need.

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You'll receive £200 a week.

0:14:110:14:12

Get in!

0:14:120:14:14

And the good news is, as part of the new back to work scheme

0:14:140:14:16

we have a placement for you at Sports Universe.

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You start first thing in the morning.

0:14:190:14:21

But I'm disabled.

0:14:210:14:22

We've had a lot of feedback from the disabled community

0:14:220:14:25

saying that they don't just want to receive handouts,

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they also want to feel like they're contributing.

0:14:270:14:30

Stupid fuckers!

0:14:300:14:31

Oh, the people you know who did just want to get benefits.

0:14:330:14:37

Fucking hell, this is hard.

0:14:400:14:42

The BBC News with me Rabbi Steeblestein.

0:14:440:14:48

Tonight's headlines -

0:14:480:14:50

I feel fantastic. Apricots. Who would have thought?

0:14:500:14:54

I've been stubborn, 15 years.

0:14:540:14:56

One apricot, the whole system's cleared out.

0:14:560:14:59

Let's go to the sports. I feel I could join in.

0:14:590:15:02

Jason and the squad are travelling to their next

0:15:060:15:09

Premier League fixture.

0:15:090:15:10

It's good to see you play a nice game of cards.

0:15:100:15:13

-It's a good way to relax before the game.

-Right, let's have a look.

0:15:130:15:17

So how much do you owe me?

0:15:180:15:20

-398 grand.

-What?

0:15:200:15:22

£400,000?

0:15:220:15:24

You could buy a house for this.

0:15:240:15:26

Maybe in your country.

0:15:260:15:27

Let's go again.

0:15:290:15:30

They are betting huge sums of money.

0:15:310:15:33

This is not normal in England, is it?

0:15:330:15:35

What should I do, Eddie?

0:15:350:15:37

Create some space, pass it out wide,

0:15:370:15:39

get right fucking into 'em!

0:15:390:15:41

Fuck 'em up, come on!

0:15:410:15:43

The match has finished and the lads are in high spirits.

0:15:460:15:49

Four-nil, get in!

0:15:490:15:52

Four-nil!

0:15:520:15:53

THEY CHANT: Four-nil, four-nil, four-nil, four-nil, four-nil

0:15:530:16:01

What is going on in here?

0:16:060:16:09

You lose four-nil at home? This never happen.

0:16:090:16:12

I know that's why we got such good odds.

0:16:120:16:15

You bet against yourselves!?

0:16:150:16:17

Come on gaffer, I scored an own goal hat trick.

0:16:170:16:19

I get to keep the ball.

0:16:190:16:20

You make me sick.

0:16:200:16:22

We are this close from the title. You are mad in the head.

0:16:220:16:25

You're all millionaires anyway.

0:16:250:16:28

Fucking get in there and get up their arses.

0:16:280:16:31

Eddie, the game is over.

0:16:310:16:33

Yeah, I know, I'm just talking about next week's game.

0:16:330:16:36

An hour later and matters have escalated.

0:16:380:16:42

OK, everyone, sit down.

0:16:420:16:44

This is incredibly serious.

0:16:440:16:46

Knew he'd say that. That's a grand you owe me.

0:16:460:16:49

-Sit down, Jason.

-There you go, that's another one.

0:16:490:16:51

Jason, sit down and shut up! I'm sick of you today.

0:16:510:16:54

Didn't think he'd say that. Here's one back.

0:16:540:16:58

The FA is launching a full inquiry.

0:16:580:17:00

The police is also beginning an investigation.

0:17:000:17:04

Jason, scissor-kick own goal from the edge of the area -

0:17:040:17:07

not helpful at all.

0:17:070:17:09

This is very serious.

0:17:100:17:12

The club have brought in top celebrity lawyer Adrian Irvine.

0:17:120:17:16

So, Jason, in your own words, tell me what happened.

0:17:160:17:19

All 24 squad members put 200 grand each on us losing four-nil

0:17:190:17:24

then we threw the game and made a shitload of money.

0:17:240:17:27

OK. I think I've got enough there to get you off.

0:17:270:17:31

A week later, the squad meet to hear their fate.

0:17:310:17:34

Right.

0:17:350:17:37

The CPS have agreed to drop all charges.

0:17:370:17:40

Yes.

0:17:400:17:42

But the FA are certain wrongdoing took place.

0:17:420:17:45

They've banned us from Europe and they're docking the club 12 points.

0:17:450:17:49

Yes!

0:17:490:17:51

12 points and a European ban. Fucking get in, come on, yes.

0:17:510:17:57

Come on!

0:17:570:17:59

THEY CHANT: Loaded, loaded, loaded.

0:17:590:18:02

DRUM AND BASS MUSIC PLAYS

0:18:050:18:07

Brap, brap, brap, brap, brap, brap, brap.

0:18:070:18:09

You're listening to Kenny K. You made the right choice

0:18:090:18:12

for the right reasons cos you are locked down

0:18:120:18:14

to the finest drum and bass sounds around.

0:18:140:18:17

Sit tight, you know what I'm saying.

0:18:170:18:20

OK, now it's time, people, to head to the texts, the tweets

0:18:200:18:23

and them Facebook messages.

0:18:230:18:25

I asked you are you left-handed or right-handed?

0:18:250:18:28

OK, responses come flooding in.

0:18:280:18:31

Lucy from Morecombe, right-handed, Calvin from Wakefield, right-handed.

0:18:310:18:35

I don't believe this man. Jimmy, Jamal, Candy, Ian, Becs,

0:18:350:18:40

all texted the show saying they're right-handers.

0:18:400:18:42

I reckon that 80% are coming in right-handed.

0:18:420:18:45

Come on left-handers.

0:18:450:18:47

Maybe it's harder to text.

0:18:470:18:49

Sam from Golders Green saying he's right-handed

0:18:490:18:52

but he's trying to use his left more.

0:18:520:18:54

Good luck with that, Simon.

0:18:540:18:55

OK, Nelly from Coventry has texted in.

0:18:550:18:58

He says, "I know it's not what you're asking,"

0:18:580:19:01

but he's saying his left thumb

0:19:010:19:02

is slightly bigger than his right thumb.

0:19:020:19:05

That's some mad-up fact, Nelly, I'm loving it, loving it, loving it.

0:19:050:19:08

In fact, I'm throwing that open right now if anyone out there

0:19:080:19:11

has got different size thumbs,

0:19:110:19:12

text me, tweet me, hook me up on the Facebook.

0:19:120:19:14

My days! I still can't get over Nelly's thumbs.

0:19:140:19:17

OK, finally got one coming in from Steve in Altrincham.

0:19:170:19:19

Stevie says, "I'm a left-hander."

0:19:190:19:21

That's great to hear, Stevie. I've got mad love for left-handers.

0:19:210:19:24

Another left-hander coming in straight away after that one.

0:19:240:19:27

Another left-hander. Oh, this is great to see.

0:19:270:19:29

Another one and another one.

0:19:290:19:32

Oh, I don't believe it!

0:19:320:19:34

I've been reading out the same text.

0:19:340:19:36

OK, apologies your way, people,

0:19:360:19:37

I hope you don't feel messed about by that.

0:19:370:19:40

That's a big sorry coming out to you from Kenny K. Check this.

0:19:400:19:43

-I saw that, Liam.

-Oh, shut up, sir.

-LAUGHTER

0:19:440:19:47

Crickler, you'll be in some serious trouble in a minute.

0:19:470:19:51

No! That is... That is... KIDS SHOUT AND LAUGH

0:19:540:19:58

You'll be sorry when...when the headmaster gets here.

0:20:020:20:07

CLASS FALLS SILENT

0:20:070:20:08

Right, Mr Davies,

0:20:130:20:15

suppose I'd better see that note then, hadn't I?

0:20:150:20:18

Here it is Headmaster.

0:20:180:20:19

"Mr Davies is a massive gayer."

0:20:260:20:29

HE CHUCKLES

0:20:290:20:32

Who wrote the note then?

0:20:400:20:42

Oh, I'm sorry, you mustn't have heard me.

0:20:470:20:50

I said which one of you pricks wrote that Mr Davies is a massive gayer?

0:20:540:20:59

You're not going to make me repeat myself, are you?

0:21:110:21:14

It wasn't actually me, it was Dave Crickler.

0:21:140:21:16

Well done, Harris. Good boy.

0:21:160:21:19

-We don't like note writers, do we, Harris?

-No, sir.

0:21:190:21:23

There's only one thing we like even less.

0:21:230:21:25

And that's a grass!

0:21:270:21:29

A dirty, filthy, slimy, disgusting, repulsive,

0:21:290:21:34

disloyal, backstabbing shitty grass.

0:21:340:21:38

And, Crickler...

0:21:450:21:47

Davies...

0:21:470:21:48

is spelt with an E.

0:21:480:21:51

Now open wide.

0:21:510:21:53

Good boy.

0:21:580:21:59

And if you can't control this bunch of pubescent wankers

0:22:020:22:06

I'll find someone who can...

0:22:060:22:08

(..you massive gayer.)

0:22:120:22:14

(Now teach 'em Geography.)

0:22:170:22:18

(Good boy.)

0:22:200:22:22

DRUM AND BASS MUSIC PLAYS

0:22:220:22:24

Oh, my gosh, I've got a mad interesting one coming at me

0:22:240:22:28

right here, right now.

0:22:280:22:29

Marlon from Southwark has texted in saying he's completely left-handed,

0:22:290:22:33

apart from when he uses a computer mouse, plays sport and writes.

0:22:330:22:38

My gosh, Marlon, that sounds crazy daisy.

0:22:380:22:41

Marlon, I would love to hear from you again on any other subject,

0:22:410:22:44

you are welcome, that is mad-up stuff.

0:22:440:22:47

OK, Nathan from Canvey Island.

0:22:470:22:49

You won't believe this man.

0:22:490:22:51

He's dropped in saying

0:22:510:22:52

he can use his left hand and his right hand equally.

0:22:520:22:56

There is a word for it but he can't think of it.

0:22:560:22:59

Gotta go, he's at work.

0:22:590:23:01

My days, man, what a day this is turning out to be.

0:23:010:23:04

Nick from Cricklewood coming in saying, yes, he does like mustard.

0:23:040:23:09

Nick, that was yesterday. Check this.

0:23:090:23:12

Oh, yeah, there's one.

0:23:180:23:20

No, I don't think the police force is institutionally racist

0:23:230:23:26

otherwise why would we let Pakis in?

0:23:260:23:28

Step out, sir.

0:23:400:23:41

Oh!

0:23:440:23:45

Out of the car. Out of the car. You're free. I'm liberating you.

0:23:450:23:50

Out of the car.

0:23:500:23:52

Run! Go on, run.

0:23:520:23:55

They can't run. They've had their feet bound.

0:23:550:23:57

Run! You're free to run.

0:23:570:24:00

-Oh.

-I'm liberating you.

0:24:000:24:02

DANCE MUSIC

0:24:020:24:04

It's the last day of the season

0:24:060:24:08

and holiday rep Chris makes sure the guys and girls have a fab day.

0:24:080:24:12

ALL: Let's get fucked up!

0:24:120:24:16

Whoo! Yeah! Come on!

0:24:160:24:19

THEY CHEER

0:24:190:24:21

Oooh!

0:24:290:24:31

Yeah!

0:24:320:24:34

That was fun, Chloes. What were the numbers in the end?

0:24:420:24:45

Two dead, one critically injured

0:24:450:24:47

-and three with non-life threatening brain damage.

-Not bad.

0:24:470:24:50

On my first season, I had one group, 24 people died.

0:24:500:24:55

Nobody went home.

0:24:550:24:57

Chloes, you have been absolutely amazing this season.

0:24:570:25:02

Same again in March?

0:25:020:25:04

No. Chris, I've met someone. I'm leaving the rep game.

0:25:040:25:09

You've met over 950 people, Chloe.

0:25:090:25:12

None of them ever stopped you repping before.

0:25:120:25:14

Who is the lucky fella?

0:25:140:25:16

-It's Yorgos.

-Bloody hell.

0:25:160:25:19

I'm in love with him.

0:25:190:25:20

But he smashed your fanny to bits.

0:25:200:25:23

I've always had a thing for bad boys.

0:25:230:25:26

Well, I couldn't be happier for you Chloes.

0:25:260:25:29

But hang on, you've always wanted to fuck 1,000 people.

0:25:290:25:33

I don't care any more, Chris.

0:25:330:25:35

Come on, Chloes, you've wanted this for so long.

0:25:350:25:38

The season's not quite over and you're on 990.

0:25:380:25:42

It's not important.

0:25:420:25:43

It is.

0:25:430:25:44

Everyone, I need nine lads to come and fuck Chloe.

0:25:440:25:49

Oh, Chris!

0:25:490:25:51

You're so sweet.

0:25:510:25:53

CHEERING

0:25:530:25:54

SHE SQUEALS

0:25:540:25:55

-Thanks, Trish.

-Tell us how it happened again.

0:26:040:26:07

Well, I was on Blizzard Mountain, right.

0:26:070:26:10

That sounds terrifying.

0:26:100:26:11

It was. It's Europe's tallest ride.

0:26:110:26:13

Goodness.

0:26:130:26:15

And we was caning it round the quickest bend

0:26:150:26:17

and I just flew out cos they ain't done the safety bar proper.

0:26:170:26:21

You should sue them.

0:26:210:26:23

Nah, it was such a laugh.

0:26:230:26:24

Well, that is really brave.

0:26:250:26:28

Well, you say that but I was just doing my duty for my country.

0:26:280:26:33

Well, enough from me, yeah, I think we all better get back to work.

0:26:370:26:41

Lee.

0:26:470:26:48

Amber.

0:26:480:26:50

Well done, babes, you've got a job.

0:26:500:26:52

-Yeah. Yes, I did.

-Why didn't you tell me?

0:26:520:26:55

Was it going to be a surprise?

0:26:560:26:58

Yes. Good one, well done.

0:26:580:27:00

Oh, that's so sweet. Come here and give me a kiss.

0:27:000:27:02

No. I must remain sat here at my workstation.

0:27:020:27:09

Part of the maturity thing.

0:27:090:27:11

He's done very well especially after what he's been through.

0:27:110:27:14

The training course is half a day of hell.

0:27:140:27:17

He's being modest, after what happened to him

0:27:170:27:19

on Blizzard Mountain.

0:27:190:27:21

You told your boss you shat yourself?

0:27:210:27:24

Yes, Derek, I shat myself.

0:27:240:27:27

That's to be expected, Lee.

0:27:270:27:29

Actually, Derek, I'm, I'm feeling a little lightheaded.

0:27:290:27:32

Oh, I'll just go and mush up your egg for you.

0:27:320:27:34

Legend.

0:27:340:27:35

Wow, they're nice here.

0:27:350:27:37

We'd do anything for this guy.

0:27:370:27:38

You did say soft boiled didn't you, Lee.

0:27:380:27:40

-Oh, cheers, Derek.

-Lee, just let me know when you're ready

0:27:400:27:43

-and I'll take you down to the toilet.

-Ah, sweet, Mike.

0:27:430:27:45

This is unbelievable.

0:27:450:27:47

-Egg's ready.

-I've made quite an impression.

0:27:470:27:50

I am so proud of you, babe. An actual proper job.

0:27:500:27:55

In fact, you know that thing you've been asking me about?

0:27:560:28:00

Yeah.

0:28:000:28:01

Well, tonight I'm going to give it to you.

0:28:020:28:05

Yes.

0:28:050:28:06

DANCE MUSIC

0:28:150:28:17

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:230:28:26

MUSIC INTENSIFIES

0:28:340:28:36

CROWD SCREAMS

0:28:360:28:38

MUSIC CUTS

0:28:440:28:46

Oh, no.

0:28:500:28:53

Has anyone got a dongle?

0:28:530:28:54

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