Episode 3 Live at the Apollo

This programme contains some strong language.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Gina Yashere.

CHEERING

Hello!

Hammersmith Apollo,

what's happening, people? What's happening?

CHEERING

Excellent. Good to be here.

The Hammersmith Apollo.

Live At The Apollo. I'm hosting this.

-I'm hosting this!

-CHEERING

So I'm back. I don't know if you guys know this.

I've been working a lot abroad.

Been in America quite a bit the last few years,

back and forth between England and America.

At the moment, I'm in New York.

It's very similar. New York and London are very similar.

They're similar places, they are.

New York is just a bigger, crazier,

filthier version of London.

Because New York is filthy.

It's filthy. It's dirty.

It's dirty. It's filthy.

It's dirty, filthy,

gross, dirty,

dirty city. It's filthy.

It's dirty. It's dirty.

Let me tell you how dirty it is.

I got into a staring match with a rat on the subway.

That's what I'm talking about. You know when you see a rat?

I saw this big rat. You think you can scare them away.

I went "uh" and the rat went "huh?"

I was like, "Oh, shit. My bad, my bad."

It's filthy. It's a filthy city,

which is a problem for me because I am very OCD.

Like, I am super OCD. I'm a germophobe, big time.

I travel a lot as a comedian,

I stay in a lot of different hotels and things and people always say,

"Oh, it must be really good staying in all these different hotels

"all over the world." No, not for me.

I travel with my own bedsheets, pillow and pillowcase,

special slippers that I only wear in hotel rooms because I don't want

hotel floor to contaminate my floor.

Every hotel room I stay in looks like an episode of Dexter.

I just put plastic. Plastic, plastic.

I've seen too many of those TV shows.

You know those science shows where they go,

"We went into a hotel room and we took a swab of the mattress.

"And we found blood, skin, faeces, and semen from a giraffe."

Oh, my God, they let giraffes check into the Hilton! This is...

I touch nothing in a hotel room, nothing.

I wipe everything down.

I don't even touch the TV remote control in a TV hotel room.

That's right, people. Don't touch it.

I wrap it in a shower cap.

Some of you are looking at me, like, "That's a good idea."

Yes, it is!

The TV remote is the filthiest part of the room.

It's filthy. It's dirty.

It's dirty. I tell you why.

I'll tell you why the remote control is the filthiest.

A very large percentage of people who stay in hotels are single men.

I'm going to say that again - single men.

Travelling alone.

All alone. Men, alone.

Alone, all alone.

Alone.

Single men alone.

All alone.

Alone.

And what do single men do when they're all alone?

Alone.

What do you do, young man, when you're all alone?

You?

You?

Alone in the room with your ten chubby little fingers, all alone.

Don't look at her, look at me.

You know what you're doing.

You're watching porn, you're having a wank.

That's what you're doing.

I don't know about you but I do not want to become the first woman

in the world to become pregnant from a remote control.

Some of you are looking at me funny.

I'm not saying I put them inside me.

Accidents do happen. Accidents!

I'm OCD. I'm a germaphobe. I have a problem using public toilets.

I can't do it. I can't do it.

Most women, we don't sit on the toilet seat anyway, do we?

They're disgusting. They're gross.

They're dirty. They're gross.

And they're coming out with this thing now where they have got those

paper toilet seat covers. Have you seen these things?

They've got these paper toilet seat covers that you pull out and put on

the toilet seat. Have you seen what they're made from?

It's tracing paper.

Tracing paper!

That stuff acts like a blotter.

You sit on that and pee, one drop of pee gets on it,

it spreads all through the paper.

And you get up and you've got paper stuck to your bum.

So we don't, we don't sit on those toilets.

What do we do, ladies? What do we do?

That's right. We hover, we squat.

Did you know we do that? Your girlfriend does this.

Look at me, sir. Look at me.

She does this.

Every woman in the world.

Good thighs, good thighs.

That's why when she wraps her head round your neck, you can't get out.

Look at me. Look at me!

We squat, we pee. Straight line, sir.

Straight line. None of this deviation stuff.

Straight line. Straight down the middle.

Pee. Wipe.

Flush. That's what we do, right?

Can you do this, men?

Can you do this? No.

Only women can do this.

Only women. Because we are toilet ninjas.

Times have changed, though, times have changed.

You know, I'm not as young as I was.

So my aim is not what it was.

I don't know what's happened to my flaps.

Yes, I said flaps!

I can't pee in a straight line any more.

I've recently found myself peeing down the back of my thighs.

And yesterday I managed to pee on the woman in the next stall.

I've been out in the States. It's been good, it's been good.

I'm black in America, but I got this accent.

This accent's a life-saver.

It's a good accent to have.

Those of you that don't have it, learn it.

In fact, I'm a superhero in America.

I'm a superhero. My superhero name is Undercover African-American.

Because they think I'm an African-American, but I'm not,

so I use that superpower to catch racist shop owners.

All I do is go into really expensive shops and walk around real slow.

And sometimes I touch stuff.

I caught out this woman recently.

I was in an expensive jewellery store in Manhattan and she was

following me around the shop. I said, "I see you, lady.

"You've obviously made a judgment based on my outward appearance

"and the fact that I'm wearing a cape."

And she was very apologetic.

Very apologetic.

She left me alone in the store to browse in peace.

And I got away with thousands of dollars' worth of jewellery.

I did it for us, black people. I did it for us.

Black lives matter. Yes.

I felt a bit of tension in the room when I said that.

I felt some white anuses just puckering up when I said that.

I felt some puckering. I felt some puckering.

Relax, white people. Relax.

Obviously all lives matter, but not all lives are being treated equally,

so we have to reiterate the fact that black lives matter too.

That was the original hashtag.

APPLAUSE

That was the original hashtag, but we had to shorten the hashtag

so we could get it on the T-shirt.

So we just shortened it to black lives matter,

and assumed that smart people would get it.

There's a lot of dumb fucks out there, that's all I'm saying.

I get a lot of people shouting at me online.

"You're racist! All lives matter.

"All lives matter. All lives."

I'm like, "Yeah, I get that. I get that." Just because

I say "save the rainforest" doesn't mean "fuck all other trees".

There's a lot of anti-immigrant feeling going on

around the world right now. I'm an immigrant to America.

My mother was an immigrant from Nigeria to England.

And there's an immigrant mentality.

When you have kids in a different country,

you're a lot more ambitious for your kids.

You want your kids to do well.

My mum was super ambitious for us.

Super ambitious. Like, in an African family...

Any Africans in? Any Africans?

CHEERING

That's just for us, white people. Not you. Just for us.

African family, you've got four choices of career -

doctor, lawyer, engineer,

disgrace to the family.

My mum picked all our jobs before we were born.

When my mum was pregnant with me, someone went up to her and went,

"What are you having?" She was like, "I'm having a doctor."

And that was it. She picked my subjects at school.

I was going to be a doctor. Got as far as A-level biology and we had to

cut open a rat. Remember that? You had to cut open a rat,

and I discovered I couldn't stand the sight of blood,

or anything vaguely biological, so I had to switch it up.

I had to tell my mum the doctor thing wasn't going to work out,

but it was all right. I said, "I'm going to be an engineer."

And my mum was like, "Oh, engineer. It is on the list. OK."

And then she turns to my younger brother.

"You will be the doctor!"

And that's how it ran in my family.

She wasn't impressed when I decided to become a comedian.

That conversation didn't go very well.

Because I was an engineer, I worked as an engineer for years.

I used to work for Otis, repairing lifts.

That's what I did, and my mum was proud.

"Yes, my daughter. She's an engineer."

And then I left that and decided to become a comedian.

My mum was not impressed.

She was like, "Comedy? Comedy? What the hell is comedy?

"How am I going to tell my friends in Nigeria?

"Hey! Hey! My daughter is a clown."

But luckily for me, within six months of starting comedy,

I got on this talent show called The Big, Big Talent Show,

hosted by Jonathan Ross.

I got on the show. So I called my mum.

I was like, "Mum, I got through to this big talent show.

"It's going to be on TV. I'm through to the quarterfinals."

And my mum's like, "Oh, yeah. That's good.

"Interesting. Very good. Call me when you get to the final.

"I'm not interested in this quarterfinal, semifinal rubbish.

"Call me for the final."

So, sure enough I got through to the final, filmed live on television,

live. Jonathan Ross is hosting.

And my mum comes down with her entourage,

because my mum does not travel without a Nigerian entourage.

So I do my set.

Jonathan Ross is interviewing me after my set and he sees my mum

in the audience, which was not hard to spot.

It is literally white people, white people, white people,

then a bank of African royalty, just...

So Jonathan points to my mum and goes, "Is that your mum?

"Gina's mum is in the audience."

And I swear to God, my mum stood up like this.

"Yes, that is right. I am the reason the clown is here.

"I am the reason. I always knew she was going to be a clown.

"When she was three, I bought her the big shoes."

So my mum only comes out for the big shows.

She only comes out for the big shows, and in fact,

my mum is here tonight. Where's my mum?

Where's my mum?

There's my mum over there. She's here.

Look at her, standing up. Look at her. There she is.

All right, you can sit down now, Mum.

You can sit down. This is my show, Mum.

It's my show.

It's MY show!

Yeah, you can sit down now, Mum.

And at that point,

I think it's time to bring on the first act of the show.

Are you guys ready?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This first comedian coming on is a rising star on the comedy scene.

She's hilarious. Give it up for the very funny Ellie Taylor.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, Apollo. Are you well?

CHEERING

Yes. Amazing. This is lovely, isn't it?

Hello. My name's Ellie.

I got married last year.

CHEERING

Thank you. It's lovely being married.

Just spending the last 12 months getting used to it.

So remembering to call myself a Mrs,

remembering not to sleep with other people.

Apparently that one's quite important, apparently.

Don't get me wrong, right. I love my husband.

I love my husband.

But I also love Weetabix.

And if someone told me that Weetabix was the only cereal

I was allowed to eat for the rest of my life,

pretty sure in a few years...

..I'd want to fuck another man.

Don't get me wrong, right. Don't get me wrong.

Monogamy is really long, guys.

And I get from an evolutionary point of view it's better for us to be

paired up to do the basic things in life.

You know, like raise children or collect air miles.

I get that.

But I just feel like I've got so many wild oats that I want to sow.

I know some of you might think that's quite a male turn of phrase.

Uh-uh, not true.

I got oats, babe.

I got oats for days.

I got so many backed-up oats, I could shit a flapjack.

And I get not all women feel that way.

I understand not all women are madly into sex.

I've got plenty of girlfriends who are like, "Oh, God.

"Steve's birthday tomorrow.

"Fingers crossed a documentary about sharks comes on

"and he gets distracted."

I've always been quite sexually aware, but it's never translated

into what I would call, you know, a slaggy period.

So I feel like I've got a lot of inner banging

that I need to get out of my system.

Because I really haven't slept with many people, I really haven't.

So in my 22 years on this planet plus another ten years...

..I have only slept with six people, which isn't very many.

So I got to the point that my friends are sleeping with

so many more guys, they're having to keep lists to keep track.

God, imagine being that sexually experienced it involves admin.

That's an Excel spreadsheet I could get behind.

Honestly, I know girls from school who have outscored me

on a single trip to the toilet in The Slug And Lettuce.

So the reason I haven't slept with many people is because,

when I was younger, I suffered from this condition

where I would go out with knobheads for years at a time.

Like the last one. Total disaster, right.

We had nothing in common.

I'm from Essex, born in Basildon, and this guy was super posh.

He had more middle names than I've had sexual partners.

So eventually I broke up with him, and I was like,

"For the first time in my life, I can have my slaggy period."

So I made a pact with myself that the first hot guy I bumped into

I was going to chat up and seduce, right.

So this happened a few days later. I was in a lift in central London.

Hot guy got in a lift with me.

I saw him and I thought, "Hello.

"Victim numero uno.

"Let's get this party started.

"I hope you like flapjacks."

Amazing I haven't slept with many people, isn't it?

So hot guy gets in the lift.

He presses level one.

We're only on the ground floor.

He's only going up one level. Lazy.

So I think, "Ellie, say something flirty to him."

So I said, "You're only going up one level. Lazy."

You've either got it or you haven't, guys.

Hot guy laughs. I'm like, "Oh, here we go.

"Shag, shag, shag. Bang, bang, bang. Oats, oats, oats."

Hot guy puts out his hand to introduce himself.

"Hi. My name's Phil."

And six years later, I married him.

CHEERING

You know what that means, guys?

My entire slaggy period

consisted of ground floor to first floor in a fricking lift.

Gutted!

My wedding was quite unusual, actually,

because you might not know this about me - I'm a full-time comedian

but I'm also a part-time professional feminist icon.

I'm in a job share with Sandi Toksvig.

Like all feminist icons,

I'm obviously extremely politically knowledgeable,

like, loads, babe. So I decided to use my wedding

to investigate a political issue, right?

And the political issue I decided to investigate was immigration.

So what I did, guys, what I did - I married an immigrant.

Oh!

I know. Immersive, isn't it?

I'm basically Louis Theroux.

It was a bit tricky at the beginning.

I was like, "Oh, God. What does it eat?

"No, don't give it milk and bread.

"It can't have that. Oh, no, that's hedgehogs, isn't it?

"As you were. Flat palm, flat palm."

Now my immigrant, he is Australian themed.

But they also come in other flavours, they do.

They also come - don't know if you know this -

with different outfits you can change. Great fun.

Sometimes I put my one in a suit.

I'm like, "Oh! Smart immigrant."

Sometimes I put him in a pair of trainers.

"Oh, casual immigrant!"

Sometimes I put him in a job that a British person can't or won't do.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

"Typical bloody immigrant!"

Get your own. There's loads of them.

Honestly, he's probably the best accessory I've ever had,

and I own a Taser.

So, no, it's really nice being married.

I like it. I feel like it's turned me into a woman.

I know it's turned me into a woman because I've started buying candles.

Bitches love candles though, don't they? Bitches love candles.

They're so expensive though. The fancy ones, the Jo Malone ones,

I've worked out it's actually better value and you can get

the same effect if you set fire to a £20 note and sniff a fig roll.

LAUGHTER

Not just candles am I buying, though, guys.

Buying other little bits for the house.

I call them trinkets.

Australian husband calls them,

"Great, another bit of tat with a shit quote on."

It's not true, they're essentials.

How else am I supposed to remember to dance like nobody is watching?

Unless I have a piece of driftwood to remind me to?

Essentials.

But my sister says the reason I like all this stuff

is because I'm nesting.

She thinks that's really good.

She's like, "You need to have a baby.

"You need to have a baby so you've got someone to look after you

"when you're old."

I'm like, "Hang on. Isn't that what the NHS is for?"

Unless the NHS is that screwed that by the time I'm old,

you literally have had to give birth to your own medical professional.

"Push, push! Oh, congratulations, it's an oncologist."

Cos I'm not sure about having kids right now,

so it means I'm very aware of my contraception.

So I've done all the research for you. So the pill, 99% effective.

Condoms, 99% effective.

Eating a large Indian takeaway and then going,

"Oh, look how pregnant I look,"

100% effective!

LAUGHTER

But my view on kids actually helped me become a little bit

of an internet sensation earlier this year.

There was this thing on Facebook, I don't know if you saw it.

It was called the Motherhood Challenge.

So mums were putting up five photos of themselves

that made them proud to be a mother.

So there were pictures of, like, little Ken on the beach.

Little Ken trying avocado for the first time.

Little Ken asking, "What kind of a name is Ken for a toddler?!"

Lovely, lovely, lovely.

Now, I do not have a problem with anyone being proud to be a parent.

I just saw a lot of this stuff,

thought I'm going to do the opposite.

I did the non-motherhood challenge.

I posted five photos of myself that made me proud not to be a mother.

Four of those were pictures of me asleep.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And the fifth one was of me asleep holding a bottle of wine.

Really, really silly, right.

Whacked it up on Facebook, didn't really think any more about it.

For some reason it went bananas, right.

It went viral, got shared a gazillion times,

went all the way round the world.

At one point I became Woman Of The Week on a Swahili parenting blog.

And it was really interesting seeing

the different responses I got back to it.

The first lot of people to write on my Facebook page were women like me

without children saying things like, "Oh, Ellie, thanks for giving us,

"the childless, a voice."

I was like, "No worries, babes, you're welcome."

And then I got some other replies and I printed them out here.

So, I got some replies from some mothers. That was quite interesting.

Like this lady. We'll call her Mummy Number One.

She said, "You don't understand what it feels like to become a mother,

"you fucking superficial basic bitch."

LAUGHTER

Mummy Number One!

So maternal, isn't she?

Then what happened is other childless women started defending me

against the cross mums.

So there was this lady who piped up, very angry.

We'll call her Outraged From Kent.

She said, "Why is this funny?

"Don't mock the ones who choose to be parents. Very tasteless."

So then an American lady came in to my rescue.

Now, see if you can work out why I think she's American.

"Jesus Christ, woman!

"No-one owes you an explanation.

"Nobody has time for another butt-hurt Mommy!"

Outraged From Kent comes back rather sensibly with,

"What on earth is a butt-hurt mommy?"

Nobody knows, nobody knows.

Then other cross mums started replying to me,

but these mums were from different countries,

so they were insulting me in different languages.

Don't worry, guys, Facebook translates it for us

so we didn't miss out.

There was this lady from Mexico.

Now when it says "it", I think it means "she".

"No wonder it does not have children."

LAUGHTER

"Look at its big teeth."

Gracias, amigo Mexico.

But this is all saved by the final group who replied to me

and they made everything better.

They were led by a man called Alessandro.

And Alessandro says,

"As an Italian...

"I need to know...

"what kind of wine is that?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Guys, you have been an absolute dream come true.

Thank you so much. I'm Ellie Taylor. Thank you!

Ellie Taylor!

WHOOPING

I ain't got any kids. Kids scare me. They know too much stuff.

I think the internet has ruined childhood.

They know everything. There's nothing you can hide from them.

Nothing!

Like, kids are now bullying each other online.

Have you heard about this? Cyber bullying.

Have you heard this? Cyber bullying.

Kids nowadays are too fat and lazy to punch each other in the face.

Now school bullies are taking their money by PayPal.

The internet has ruined childhood, it's ruined it!

Things that we didn't have that they have now.

Like, when I was a kid, we didn't have paedophiles.

No, we didn't. We had flashers.

Who remembers flashers?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Do you remember flashers, little boy in the front?

You've got no idea, have you?

-What's your name?

-Craig.

Craig, we didn't have paedophiles when I was a kid. We had flashers.

Do you know what flashers are? Do you know what they are, Craig?

I'll tell you what they are. We'd be skipping home from school...

Cos that's what we did in the old days, Craig, we skipped.

This was a form of transport when I was a kid.

LAUGHTER

We'd be skipping home from school, Craig,

and there'd be an old man hiding in a bush, just...

And you'd skip past him and he'd jump out of the bush, Craig,

and he'd have nothing on but a coat, just a coat, a mac.

And he'd open the mac as you skipped past.

He'd come at you like that, "Agh!"

LAUGHTER

-And you'd be like that...

-SHE SCREAMS

And then you'd skip home as fast as you could.

And you'd tell all your friends and family that you'd been flashed.

And that was exciting, Craig.

That was entertainment.

You'd get home and you'd go, "Guess what, guess what!"

"What? What?" "I got flashed." "No!"

"Yeah. I was skipping home from school and an old man jumped out

"of a bush and flashed me."

"Oh, my days!

"That must've been horrible for you."

Let's go back there and see if he's still there."

LAUGHTER

Ah! Are you guys ready for your next comedian?

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

This next comedian coming on is hilarious.

I'm looking forward to seeing him.

He is from Australia and he's very, very weird.

Give it up for Sam Simmons!

Woo!

Oh, right, hello, Apollo!

WHOOPING

We'll address this straightaway.

I'm well aware that I look like a Super Mario Brother

had sex with a Spaniard at Betfred, but that's...

that's the look I'm going for tonight, people.

It gets worse though, look at this.

LAUGHTER

I look like all the faces from the children's board game Guess Who?...

..condensed into one head.

All right, well, enough of what my head looks like on the outside,

let's see what it looks like on the inside. Let's go.

-VOICEOVER:

-'Uh, Do you like bread?'

-Yeah, bread's all right.

-'Do you, like, fully get into it?'

-Not fully.

What are you talking about, what are you talking about again?

-'Bread.'

-Yeah, I know bread, mate, I know bread.

-'Oh, you know bread?'

-Well, I don't know bread, I like toast.

-'I like toast.'

-Yeah, toast is good, eh?

'Yeah, I fully get into bread.

-'I like bread when...'

-DISCO MUSIC

'I...good...uh...near bread.'

What are you talking about, mate, what are you going on about?

-What's going on?

-'Bread.'

-Yeah, I know bread!

What's going on with this disco music, man?

What's with the music?!

'Uh, it's for the bread.'

What do you mean, "It's for the bread"?

'Uh, when you're putting on bread shoes.'

You should've just said putting on bread shoes.

'Uh...bread shoes.

-'Oh, yeah. This one's going out...

-# Bread shoes... #

'..to all the ladies out there who like to wear bread on their feet.'

# Bread shoes... #

Ah.

LAUGHTER

# Put on the bread shoes!

# Bread shoes, bread shoes. #

MUSIC STOPS

Heads up!

They're nice.

So that's the vibe we're going for, ladies and gentlemen. That's it.

LAUGHTER

It's niche, it's niche stuff.

I'm a strong flavour - I'm like the coriander of comedy, deal with it.

Hey, this is a fun thing to do.

This is a good, fun thing to do

when you get poor customer service from someone.

If someone's being an arsehole to you behind the counter

and you go to get your change back, OK, don't go like that,

just go like that.

40% of the time, all of the time

they'll try to balance the coins on top of your hand,

and don't break eye contact.

It's like, "Yes, yes, yes."

It's a fun thing to do.

Next time you go to one of those shit shops like Poundland,

or PoundLUND if you're in Scotland - sorry, the North.

They've always got shit names, you know those shit shops,

I call them the shit shop back at home.

They've always got stupid names like Priceslap and Bargainsluts.

Anyway...

Go into one of those shops and look for the most redundant item

you can find. It's not hard,

those shops are just full of shit you do not need.

Like an oven mitt slash alarm clock, you know what I mean?

Wander on in, find something really ridiculous that you do not need.

Like, I went into one shop in Adelaide and I walked in there

and I found myself a ceramic reindeer standing on top of, like,

a grassy mound with a thermometer just coming up off the side.

You know, how you get a reindeer thermometer heaps quick?

Make sure there's a few on the shelf, make sure there's about

20 there, get out of the shop, OK, once you've found your shit item,

wander back about a week later.

Go straight in, right to the person behind the counter, and go,

"Excuse me, I was wondering if you can help me,

"I'm looking for something maybe in a reindeer."

"It doesn't have to be a reindeer, mind you,

"it could be any type of ungulate or hooved animal.

"The catch is it's got to have some measurement of weather

"attached to the side of it."

This guy lost his mind.

He's like, "Oh, my God, I've got exactly that item!"

LAUGHTER

When he brings it back, though, just hold it and go,

"Yeah, it's kind of like what I was looking for...

"..it's just not for me, though."

I like doing this stuff to people.

It's not right. I like doing this at airports.

You know when you hear someone's running late for a plane and you

hear that announcement over the PA. It's like, "Cameron James,

"please get to gate number nine, please.

"Cameron James, your plane's about to depart, please, Cameron James."

You see someone sprinting through the airport.

Now take a punt, that's probably Cameron James.

So as he's there sprinting along, just yell out, "Cameron James!"

and they'll be like this...

"Just keep running!

"Keep running, Cameron James, you'll miss your flight!"

It's a safe thing to do cos they can't stop to argue

cos they've got to get on a plane.

And then just keep heckling as they're running away, like,

"Yeah, you better run!

"Fly, Cameron James, run, fly, fly into the sky,

"fly like a free-range chicken!"

Wafer-thin narrative. How cool are chickens?

I feel bad for chickens, I really do.

I mean, you know, if everything tastes like chicken,

why don't we just not eat chickens more?

You know, when you walk past, like, a chicken shop on the high street,

they've always got a mascot chicken in a window, like a cartoon chicken

just having heaps of fun, you know what I mean?

I saw a really elaborate one in western Sydney,

it was really elaborate, OK.

It was a cartoon chicken and he was driving a convertible sports car

and he had on a top hat with a monocle.

And he had the kind of look on his face like,

"Hey, things couldn't get any better, I'm a wealthy chicken."

I think this seriously misrepresents the experience for the actual bird.

I think this is how they lure chickens into chicken shops,

like a chicken will be over on the other side of the road going,

"Hey, Rowan, look at that chicken in the window there.

"He's doing really well, he's got a sports car."

This is why they cross roads, ladies and gentlemen.

LAUGHTER

Then they...go into the chicken shop not realising there's a sniper

hiding behind the cash register.

And bang! McNuggets.

All right, guys, it's going to get weird now.

This next piece is called Things That Shit Me.

These are things that piss me off. Let's go.

'Things that shit me.'

UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

'When you walk into a room

'and then you forget why you walked in there in the first place.'

LAUGHTER

Oh, yeah...

'Things that shit me.

'Having to hug people that you don't know very well.'

Not you, get in here!

Mwah!

'Things that shit me.

'When you meet a strange Mexican person named Pablo

'and he starts being all weird.'

LAUGHTER

Shh!

'Things that shit me.

'Waiters that ask you how your food is while you're

'still chewing the food.'

AUDIENCE GROANS

'Are you enjoying the food?'

It's delicious, now fuck off!

'Things that shit me.

'This picture book of kittens which was first published in 1972.'

Now the sad thing about this book here is

if it was first published in 1972, they're all dead now.

It's just a book of dead cats.

Dead, dead, dead.

Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead.

Everyone of them's dead.

Dead, dead, dead - they're all dead!

'Things that shit me.

'Those people who forget to take off their bicycle helmets inside shops.'

Do you guys got croissants?

LAUGHTER

'Things that shit me.

'Really confusing television commercials.'

GENTLE PIANO MUSIC

"Reliability, integrity, inspiration, synergy, refreshment,

"be who you are. The Waffle House."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

'Things that shit me.

'Pigeons. Especially when pigeons catch up with one another.'

"Ooh."

"Ooh."

"Ooh!"

"Ooh-hoo-hoo!"

"Ooh."

"Ooh, apologise."

"Uhh!"

'Things that shit me. Teenagers.'

I saw a group of underage teenagers

waiting at the front of Tesco the other day

and they asked me to go buy them some beer.

I thought, "Hey, yeah, why not? I already look like this."

Anyway, when I came back I found out

they were just really lazy 23-year-olds. Let's go.

'Things that shit me. Sadness.

'When you get kind of sad and you feel sadness.'

SLOW PIANO NOTES 'Sadness.'

'Sadness.'

CHANGES BACK TO UPBEAT MUSIC

'Things that shit me. My impression of a very erotic cat.'

Tss! Tss! Tss!

Tss! Tss! Tss! Tss! Tss!

'Things that shit me. My impression of a little shy guy.'

Stop it... "You think you're so good."

Shut up, I do not, stop that. "Yes, you do." I do not, stop it.

"You do, you think you're so good."

I don't think I'm so good, stop it, you stop it.

"You stop it." You stop it first! "You stop it." You stop it!

You little shy guy. I'm not shy, I just get a little bit weird

in front of 3,000 people I don't know.

What? Stop looking at me, stop that! Please stop.

Please don't stop, please don't stop.

'Things that shit me.

'That time I confused going on a trip to Legoland

'with a leg of lamb.'

Uh?

'Things that shit me.

'The fact that I can never be a gardener or a horticulturalist

'because if I hold up a pot plant like this, I look like a sex pest.'

LAUGHTER

What? Stop it!

'Things that shit me.'

POP MUSIC PLAYS

LAUGHTER

I feel it, man!

Come on, just let me get over there.

I've got to get...

Come on.

It's all right... I'm trying get back here.

It's fine, it's fine.

Come on, come on.

Come on, come on, just get in there.

Just get it... It's not real.

'Things that shit me. Me!'

Thank you very much, the Apollo!

Thank you!

-Sam Simmons!

-I've got too much stuff to pick up!

I've got too much stuff.

Get your stuff, Sam.

Take that massive cock with you.

-Take it.

-You do know, that's...?

Just in case you're wondering, there you are.

-Sam Simmons!

-Thank you.

You guys have been fantastic tonight.

You've seen myself, Gina Yashere.

You've seen Ellie Taylor and Sam Simmons.

Thanks for coming to Live At The Apollo!

Good night! Thank you, good night.