Episode 3 Live at the Apollo


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Episode 3

Stand-up comedy from the Hammersmith Apollo. Gina Yashere introduces surreal Australian comedian Sam Simmons and rising comedy star Ellie Taylor to the stage.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Gina Yashere.

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CHEERING

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Hello!

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Hammersmith Apollo,

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what's happening, people? What's happening?

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CHEERING

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Excellent. Good to be here.

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The Hammersmith Apollo.

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Live At The Apollo. I'm hosting this.

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-I'm hosting this!

-CHEERING

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So I'm back. I don't know if you guys know this.

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I've been working a lot abroad.

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Been in America quite a bit the last few years,

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back and forth between England and America.

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At the moment, I'm in New York.

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It's very similar. New York and London are very similar.

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They're similar places, they are.

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New York is just a bigger, crazier,

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filthier version of London.

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Because New York is filthy.

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It's filthy. It's dirty.

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It's dirty. It's filthy.

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It's dirty, filthy,

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gross, dirty,

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dirty city. It's filthy.

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It's dirty. It's dirty.

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Let me tell you how dirty it is.

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I got into a staring match with a rat on the subway.

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That's what I'm talking about. You know when you see a rat?

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I saw this big rat. You think you can scare them away.

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I went "uh" and the rat went "huh?"

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I was like, "Oh, shit. My bad, my bad."

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It's filthy. It's a filthy city,

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which is a problem for me because I am very OCD.

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Like, I am super OCD. I'm a germophobe, big time.

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I travel a lot as a comedian,

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I stay in a lot of different hotels and things and people always say,

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"Oh, it must be really good staying in all these different hotels

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"all over the world." No, not for me.

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I travel with my own bedsheets, pillow and pillowcase,

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special slippers that I only wear in hotel rooms because I don't want

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hotel floor to contaminate my floor.

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Every hotel room I stay in looks like an episode of Dexter.

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I just put plastic. Plastic, plastic.

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I've seen too many of those TV shows.

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You know those science shows where they go,

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"We went into a hotel room and we took a swab of the mattress.

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"And we found blood, skin, faeces, and semen from a giraffe."

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Oh, my God, they let giraffes check into the Hilton! This is...

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I touch nothing in a hotel room, nothing.

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I wipe everything down.

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I don't even touch the TV remote control in a TV hotel room.

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That's right, people. Don't touch it.

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I wrap it in a shower cap.

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Some of you are looking at me, like, "That's a good idea."

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Yes, it is!

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The TV remote is the filthiest part of the room.

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It's filthy. It's dirty.

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It's dirty. I tell you why.

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I'll tell you why the remote control is the filthiest.

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A very large percentage of people who stay in hotels are single men.

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I'm going to say that again - single men.

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Travelling alone.

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All alone. Men, alone.

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Alone, all alone.

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Alone.

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Single men alone.

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All alone.

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Alone.

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And what do single men do when they're all alone?

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Alone.

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What do you do, young man, when you're all alone?

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You?

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You?

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Alone in the room with your ten chubby little fingers, all alone.

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Don't look at her, look at me.

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You know what you're doing.

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You're watching porn, you're having a wank.

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That's what you're doing.

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I don't know about you but I do not want to become the first woman

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in the world to become pregnant from a remote control.

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Some of you are looking at me funny.

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I'm not saying I put them inside me.

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Accidents do happen. Accidents!

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I'm OCD. I'm a germaphobe. I have a problem using public toilets.

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I can't do it. I can't do it.

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Most women, we don't sit on the toilet seat anyway, do we?

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They're disgusting. They're gross.

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They're dirty. They're gross.

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And they're coming out with this thing now where they have got those

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paper toilet seat covers. Have you seen these things?

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They've got these paper toilet seat covers that you pull out and put on

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the toilet seat. Have you seen what they're made from?

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It's tracing paper.

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Tracing paper!

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That stuff acts like a blotter.

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You sit on that and pee, one drop of pee gets on it,

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it spreads all through the paper.

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And you get up and you've got paper stuck to your bum.

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So we don't, we don't sit on those toilets.

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What do we do, ladies? What do we do?

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That's right. We hover, we squat.

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Did you know we do that? Your girlfriend does this.

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Look at me, sir. Look at me.

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She does this.

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Every woman in the world.

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Good thighs, good thighs.

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That's why when she wraps her head round your neck, you can't get out.

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Look at me. Look at me!

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We squat, we pee. Straight line, sir.

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Straight line. None of this deviation stuff.

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Straight line. Straight down the middle.

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Pee. Wipe.

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Flush. That's what we do, right?

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Can you do this, men?

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Can you do this? No.

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Only women can do this.

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Only women. Because we are toilet ninjas.

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Times have changed, though, times have changed.

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You know, I'm not as young as I was.

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So my aim is not what it was.

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I don't know what's happened to my flaps.

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Yes, I said flaps!

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I can't pee in a straight line any more.

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I've recently found myself peeing down the back of my thighs.

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And yesterday I managed to pee on the woman in the next stall.

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I've been out in the States. It's been good, it's been good.

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I'm black in America, but I got this accent.

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This accent's a life-saver.

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It's a good accent to have.

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Those of you that don't have it, learn it.

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In fact, I'm a superhero in America.

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I'm a superhero. My superhero name is Undercover African-American.

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Because they think I'm an African-American, but I'm not,

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so I use that superpower to catch racist shop owners.

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All I do is go into really expensive shops and walk around real slow.

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And sometimes I touch stuff.

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I caught out this woman recently.

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I was in an expensive jewellery store in Manhattan and she was

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following me around the shop. I said, "I see you, lady.

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"You've obviously made a judgment based on my outward appearance

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"and the fact that I'm wearing a cape."

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And she was very apologetic.

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Very apologetic.

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She left me alone in the store to browse in peace.

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And I got away with thousands of dollars' worth of jewellery.

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I did it for us, black people. I did it for us.

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Black lives matter. Yes.

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I felt a bit of tension in the room when I said that.

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I felt some white anuses just puckering up when I said that.

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I felt some puckering. I felt some puckering.

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Relax, white people. Relax.

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Obviously all lives matter, but not all lives are being treated equally,

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so we have to reiterate the fact that black lives matter too.

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That was the original hashtag.

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APPLAUSE

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That was the original hashtag, but we had to shorten the hashtag

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so we could get it on the T-shirt.

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So we just shortened it to black lives matter,

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and assumed that smart people would get it.

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There's a lot of dumb fucks out there, that's all I'm saying.

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I get a lot of people shouting at me online.

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"You're racist! All lives matter.

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"All lives matter. All lives."

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I'm like, "Yeah, I get that. I get that." Just because

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I say "save the rainforest" doesn't mean "fuck all other trees".

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There's a lot of anti-immigrant feeling going on

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around the world right now. I'm an immigrant to America.

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My mother was an immigrant from Nigeria to England.

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And there's an immigrant mentality.

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When you have kids in a different country,

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you're a lot more ambitious for your kids.

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You want your kids to do well.

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My mum was super ambitious for us.

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Super ambitious. Like, in an African family...

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Any Africans in? Any Africans?

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CHEERING

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That's just for us, white people. Not you. Just for us.

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African family, you've got four choices of career -

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doctor, lawyer, engineer,

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disgrace to the family.

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My mum picked all our jobs before we were born.

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When my mum was pregnant with me, someone went up to her and went,

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"What are you having?" She was like, "I'm having a doctor."

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And that was it. She picked my subjects at school.

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I was going to be a doctor. Got as far as A-level biology and we had to

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cut open a rat. Remember that? You had to cut open a rat,

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and I discovered I couldn't stand the sight of blood,

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or anything vaguely biological, so I had to switch it up.

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I had to tell my mum the doctor thing wasn't going to work out,

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but it was all right. I said, "I'm going to be an engineer."

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And my mum was like, "Oh, engineer. It is on the list. OK."

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And then she turns to my younger brother.

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"You will be the doctor!"

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And that's how it ran in my family.

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She wasn't impressed when I decided to become a comedian.

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That conversation didn't go very well.

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Because I was an engineer, I worked as an engineer for years.

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I used to work for Otis, repairing lifts.

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That's what I did, and my mum was proud.

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"Yes, my daughter. She's an engineer."

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And then I left that and decided to become a comedian.

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My mum was not impressed.

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She was like, "Comedy? Comedy? What the hell is comedy?

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"How am I going to tell my friends in Nigeria?

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"Hey! Hey! My daughter is a clown."

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But luckily for me, within six months of starting comedy,

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I got on this talent show called The Big, Big Talent Show,

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hosted by Jonathan Ross.

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I got on the show. So I called my mum.

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I was like, "Mum, I got through to this big talent show.

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"It's going to be on TV. I'm through to the quarterfinals."

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And my mum's like, "Oh, yeah. That's good.

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"Interesting. Very good. Call me when you get to the final.

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"I'm not interested in this quarterfinal, semifinal rubbish.

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"Call me for the final."

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So, sure enough I got through to the final, filmed live on television,

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live. Jonathan Ross is hosting.

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And my mum comes down with her entourage,

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because my mum does not travel without a Nigerian entourage.

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So I do my set.

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Jonathan Ross is interviewing me after my set and he sees my mum

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in the audience, which was not hard to spot.

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It is literally white people, white people, white people,

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then a bank of African royalty, just...

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So Jonathan points to my mum and goes, "Is that your mum?

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"Gina's mum is in the audience."

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And I swear to God, my mum stood up like this.

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"Yes, that is right. I am the reason the clown is here.

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"I am the reason. I always knew she was going to be a clown.

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"When she was three, I bought her the big shoes."

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So my mum only comes out for the big shows.

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She only comes out for the big shows, and in fact,

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my mum is here tonight. Where's my mum?

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Where's my mum?

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There's my mum over there. She's here.

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Look at her, standing up. Look at her. There she is.

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All right, you can sit down now, Mum.

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You can sit down. This is my show, Mum.

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It's my show.

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It's MY show!

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Yeah, you can sit down now, Mum.

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And at that point,

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I think it's time to bring on the first act of the show.

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Are you guys ready?

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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This first comedian coming on is a rising star on the comedy scene.

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She's hilarious. Give it up for the very funny Ellie Taylor.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, Apollo. Are you well?

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CHEERING

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Yes. Amazing. This is lovely, isn't it?

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Hello. My name's Ellie.

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I got married last year.

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CHEERING

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Thank you. It's lovely being married.

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Just spending the last 12 months getting used to it.

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So remembering to call myself a Mrs,

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remembering not to sleep with other people.

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Apparently that one's quite important, apparently.

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Don't get me wrong, right. I love my husband.

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I love my husband.

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But I also love Weetabix.

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And if someone told me that Weetabix was the only cereal

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I was allowed to eat for the rest of my life,

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pretty sure in a few years...

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..I'd want to fuck another man.

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Don't get me wrong, right. Don't get me wrong.

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Monogamy is really long, guys.

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And I get from an evolutionary point of view it's better for us to be

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paired up to do the basic things in life.

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You know, like raise children or collect air miles.

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I get that.

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But I just feel like I've got so many wild oats that I want to sow.

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I know some of you might think that's quite a male turn of phrase.

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Uh-uh, not true.

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I got oats, babe.

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I got oats for days.

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I got so many backed-up oats, I could shit a flapjack.

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And I get not all women feel that way.

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I understand not all women are madly into sex.

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I've got plenty of girlfriends who are like, "Oh, God.

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"Steve's birthday tomorrow.

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"Fingers crossed a documentary about sharks comes on

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"and he gets distracted."

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I've always been quite sexually aware, but it's never translated

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into what I would call, you know, a slaggy period.

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So I feel like I've got a lot of inner banging

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that I need to get out of my system.

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Because I really haven't slept with many people, I really haven't.

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So in my 22 years on this planet plus another ten years...

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..I have only slept with six people, which isn't very many.

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So I got to the point that my friends are sleeping with

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so many more guys, they're having to keep lists to keep track.

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God, imagine being that sexually experienced it involves admin.

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That's an Excel spreadsheet I could get behind.

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Honestly, I know girls from school who have outscored me

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on a single trip to the toilet in The Slug And Lettuce.

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So the reason I haven't slept with many people is because,

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when I was younger, I suffered from this condition

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where I would go out with knobheads for years at a time.

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Like the last one. Total disaster, right.

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We had nothing in common.

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I'm from Essex, born in Basildon, and this guy was super posh.

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He had more middle names than I've had sexual partners.

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So eventually I broke up with him, and I was like,

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"For the first time in my life, I can have my slaggy period."

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So I made a pact with myself that the first hot guy I bumped into

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I was going to chat up and seduce, right.

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So this happened a few days later. I was in a lift in central London.

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Hot guy got in a lift with me.

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I saw him and I thought, "Hello.

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"Victim numero uno.

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"Let's get this party started.

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"I hope you like flapjacks."

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Amazing I haven't slept with many people, isn't it?

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So hot guy gets in the lift.

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He presses level one.

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We're only on the ground floor.

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He's only going up one level. Lazy.

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So I think, "Ellie, say something flirty to him."

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So I said, "You're only going up one level. Lazy."

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You've either got it or you haven't, guys.

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Hot guy laughs. I'm like, "Oh, here we go.

0:19:140:19:17

"Shag, shag, shag. Bang, bang, bang. Oats, oats, oats."

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Hot guy puts out his hand to introduce himself.

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"Hi. My name's Phil."

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And six years later, I married him.

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CHEERING

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You know what that means, guys?

0:19:360:19:38

My entire slaggy period

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consisted of ground floor to first floor in a fricking lift.

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Gutted!

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My wedding was quite unusual, actually,

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because you might not know this about me - I'm a full-time comedian

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but I'm also a part-time professional feminist icon.

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I'm in a job share with Sandi Toksvig.

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Like all feminist icons,

0:20:000:20:01

I'm obviously extremely politically knowledgeable,

0:20:010:20:04

like, loads, babe. So I decided to use my wedding

0:20:040:20:07

to investigate a political issue, right?

0:20:070:20:10

And the political issue I decided to investigate was immigration.

0:20:100:20:14

So what I did, guys, what I did - I married an immigrant.

0:20:140:20:17

Oh!

0:20:170:20:19

I know. Immersive, isn't it?

0:20:200:20:23

I'm basically Louis Theroux.

0:20:230:20:24

It was a bit tricky at the beginning.

0:20:270:20:29

I was like, "Oh, God. What does it eat?

0:20:290:20:31

"No, don't give it milk and bread.

0:20:330:20:35

"It can't have that. Oh, no, that's hedgehogs, isn't it?

0:20:350:20:37

"As you were. Flat palm, flat palm."

0:20:370:20:41

Now my immigrant, he is Australian themed.

0:20:450:20:48

But they also come in other flavours, they do.

0:20:500:20:52

They also come - don't know if you know this -

0:20:520:20:54

with different outfits you can change. Great fun.

0:20:540:20:57

Sometimes I put my one in a suit.

0:20:570:21:00

I'm like, "Oh! Smart immigrant."

0:21:000:21:02

Sometimes I put him in a pair of trainers.

0:21:040:21:06

"Oh, casual immigrant!"

0:21:060:21:08

Sometimes I put him in a job that a British person can't or won't do.

0:21:090:21:15

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:150:21:18

"Typical bloody immigrant!"

0:21:220:21:25

Get your own. There's loads of them.

0:21:250:21:27

Honestly, he's probably the best accessory I've ever had,

0:21:310:21:33

and I own a Taser.

0:21:330:21:35

So, no, it's really nice being married.

0:21:370:21:40

I like it. I feel like it's turned me into a woman.

0:21:400:21:43

I know it's turned me into a woman because I've started buying candles.

0:21:430:21:47

Bitches love candles though, don't they? Bitches love candles.

0:21:480:21:51

They're so expensive though. The fancy ones, the Jo Malone ones,

0:21:530:21:55

I've worked out it's actually better value and you can get

0:21:550:21:58

the same effect if you set fire to a £20 note and sniff a fig roll.

0:21:580:22:01

LAUGHTER

0:22:010:22:03

Not just candles am I buying, though, guys.

0:22:060:22:08

Buying other little bits for the house.

0:22:080:22:10

I call them trinkets.

0:22:100:22:12

Australian husband calls them,

0:22:120:22:14

"Great, another bit of tat with a shit quote on."

0:22:140:22:17

It's not true, they're essentials.

0:22:190:22:21

How else am I supposed to remember to dance like nobody is watching?

0:22:210:22:25

Unless I have a piece of driftwood to remind me to?

0:22:280:22:30

Essentials.

0:22:320:22:34

But my sister says the reason I like all this stuff

0:22:340:22:36

is because I'm nesting.

0:22:360:22:37

She thinks that's really good.

0:22:370:22:39

She's like, "You need to have a baby.

0:22:390:22:41

"You need to have a baby so you've got someone to look after you

0:22:410:22:44

"when you're old."

0:22:440:22:46

I'm like, "Hang on. Isn't that what the NHS is for?"

0:22:460:22:50

Unless the NHS is that screwed that by the time I'm old,

0:22:500:22:53

you literally have had to give birth to your own medical professional.

0:22:530:22:57

"Push, push! Oh, congratulations, it's an oncologist."

0:22:570:23:01

Cos I'm not sure about having kids right now,

0:23:030:23:05

so it means I'm very aware of my contraception.

0:23:050:23:08

So I've done all the research for you. So the pill, 99% effective.

0:23:080:23:12

Condoms, 99% effective.

0:23:120:23:15

Eating a large Indian takeaway and then going,

0:23:150:23:18

"Oh, look how pregnant I look,"

0:23:180:23:21

100% effective!

0:23:210:23:23

LAUGHTER

0:23:230:23:25

But my view on kids actually helped me become a little bit

0:23:260:23:28

of an internet sensation earlier this year.

0:23:280:23:31

There was this thing on Facebook, I don't know if you saw it.

0:23:310:23:33

It was called the Motherhood Challenge.

0:23:330:23:35

So mums were putting up five photos of themselves

0:23:350:23:37

that made them proud to be a mother.

0:23:370:23:40

So there were pictures of, like, little Ken on the beach.

0:23:400:23:43

Little Ken trying avocado for the first time.

0:23:430:23:46

Little Ken asking, "What kind of a name is Ken for a toddler?!"

0:23:460:23:50

Lovely, lovely, lovely.

0:23:500:23:53

Now, I do not have a problem with anyone being proud to be a parent.

0:23:530:23:57

I just saw a lot of this stuff,

0:23:570:23:58

thought I'm going to do the opposite.

0:23:580:23:59

I did the non-motherhood challenge.

0:23:590:24:02

I posted five photos of myself that made me proud not to be a mother.

0:24:020:24:07

Four of those were pictures of me asleep.

0:24:070:24:10

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:24:100:24:13

And the fifth one was of me asleep holding a bottle of wine.

0:24:190:24:24

Really, really silly, right.

0:24:260:24:28

Whacked it up on Facebook, didn't really think any more about it.

0:24:280:24:30

For some reason it went bananas, right.

0:24:300:24:34

It went viral, got shared a gazillion times,

0:24:340:24:35

went all the way round the world.

0:24:350:24:37

At one point I became Woman Of The Week on a Swahili parenting blog.

0:24:370:24:41

And it was really interesting seeing

0:24:430:24:45

the different responses I got back to it.

0:24:450:24:47

The first lot of people to write on my Facebook page were women like me

0:24:470:24:50

without children saying things like, "Oh, Ellie, thanks for giving us,

0:24:500:24:54

"the childless, a voice."

0:24:540:24:55

I was like, "No worries, babes, you're welcome."

0:24:550:24:57

And then I got some other replies and I printed them out here.

0:25:000:25:03

So, I got some replies from some mothers. That was quite interesting.

0:25:030:25:08

Like this lady. We'll call her Mummy Number One.

0:25:080:25:11

She said, "You don't understand what it feels like to become a mother,

0:25:120:25:16

"you fucking superficial basic bitch."

0:25:160:25:18

LAUGHTER

0:25:180:25:21

Mummy Number One!

0:25:230:25:25

So maternal, isn't she?

0:25:260:25:28

Then what happened is other childless women started defending me

0:25:320:25:35

against the cross mums.

0:25:350:25:37

So there was this lady who piped up, very angry.

0:25:370:25:39

We'll call her Outraged From Kent.

0:25:390:25:43

She said, "Why is this funny?

0:25:430:25:44

"Don't mock the ones who choose to be parents. Very tasteless."

0:25:440:25:48

So then an American lady came in to my rescue.

0:25:480:25:51

Now, see if you can work out why I think she's American.

0:25:510:25:54

"Jesus Christ, woman!

0:25:560:25:58

"No-one owes you an explanation.

0:25:590:26:01

"Nobody has time for another butt-hurt Mommy!"

0:26:010:26:04

Outraged From Kent comes back rather sensibly with,

0:26:070:26:09

"What on earth is a butt-hurt mommy?"

0:26:090:26:13

Nobody knows, nobody knows.

0:26:130:26:14

Then other cross mums started replying to me,

0:26:150:26:18

but these mums were from different countries,

0:26:180:26:20

so they were insulting me in different languages.

0:26:200:26:23

Don't worry, guys, Facebook translates it for us

0:26:230:26:25

so we didn't miss out.

0:26:250:26:27

There was this lady from Mexico.

0:26:280:26:30

Now when it says "it", I think it means "she".

0:26:300:26:34

"No wonder it does not have children."

0:26:360:26:40

LAUGHTER

0:26:400:26:42

"Look at its big teeth."

0:26:480:26:50

Gracias, amigo Mexico.

0:26:570:27:00

But this is all saved by the final group who replied to me

0:27:000:27:03

and they made everything better.

0:27:030:27:04

They were led by a man called Alessandro.

0:27:040:27:07

And Alessandro says,

0:27:070:27:10

"As an Italian...

0:27:100:27:12

"I need to know...

0:27:120:27:15

"what kind of wine is that?"

0:27:150:27:18

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:27:180:27:21

Guys, you have been an absolute dream come true.

0:27:250:27:28

Thank you so much. I'm Ellie Taylor. Thank you!

0:27:280:27:30

Ellie Taylor!

0:27:390:27:41

WHOOPING

0:27:410:27:43

I ain't got any kids. Kids scare me. They know too much stuff.

0:27:480:27:52

I think the internet has ruined childhood.

0:27:520:27:54

They know everything. There's nothing you can hide from them.

0:27:540:27:58

Nothing!

0:27:580:27:59

Like, kids are now bullying each other online.

0:27:590:28:01

Have you heard about this? Cyber bullying.

0:28:010:28:04

Have you heard this? Cyber bullying.

0:28:040:28:05

Kids nowadays are too fat and lazy to punch each other in the face.

0:28:050:28:09

Now school bullies are taking their money by PayPal.

0:28:160:28:19

The internet has ruined childhood, it's ruined it!

0:28:250:28:29

Things that we didn't have that they have now.

0:28:290:28:32

Like, when I was a kid, we didn't have paedophiles.

0:28:320:28:35

No, we didn't. We had flashers.

0:28:360:28:40

Who remembers flashers?

0:28:410:28:43

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

0:28:430:28:45

Do you remember flashers, little boy in the front?

0:28:450:28:47

You've got no idea, have you?

0:28:490:28:51

-What's your name?

-Craig.

0:28:510:28:53

Craig, we didn't have paedophiles when I was a kid. We had flashers.

0:28:530:28:56

Do you know what flashers are? Do you know what they are, Craig?

0:28:560:28:59

I'll tell you what they are. We'd be skipping home from school...

0:28:590:29:02

Cos that's what we did in the old days, Craig, we skipped.

0:29:040:29:09

This was a form of transport when I was a kid.

0:29:100:29:13

LAUGHTER

0:29:130:29:15

We'd be skipping home from school, Craig,

0:29:190:29:21

and there'd be an old man hiding in a bush, just...

0:29:210:29:23

And you'd skip past him and he'd jump out of the bush, Craig,

0:29:330:29:38

and he'd have nothing on but a coat, just a coat, a mac.

0:29:380:29:43

And he'd open the mac as you skipped past.

0:29:430:29:45

He'd come at you like that, "Agh!"

0:29:450:29:47

LAUGHTER

0:29:480:29:51

-And you'd be like that...

-SHE SCREAMS

0:29:570:29:59

And then you'd skip home as fast as you could.

0:30:010:30:03

And you'd tell all your friends and family that you'd been flashed.

0:30:100:30:15

And that was exciting, Craig.

0:30:150:30:17

That was entertainment.

0:30:190:30:21

You'd get home and you'd go, "Guess what, guess what!"

0:30:230:30:26

"What? What?" "I got flashed." "No!"

0:30:260:30:29

"Yeah. I was skipping home from school and an old man jumped out

0:30:290:30:33

"of a bush and flashed me."

0:30:330:30:35

"Oh, my days!

0:30:370:30:40

"That must've been horrible for you."

0:30:410:30:43

Let's go back there and see if he's still there."

0:30:470:30:49

LAUGHTER

0:30:490:30:52

Ah! Are you guys ready for your next comedian?

0:30:560:31:00

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

0:31:000:31:02

This next comedian coming on is hilarious.

0:31:050:31:08

I'm looking forward to seeing him.

0:31:080:31:10

He is from Australia and he's very, very weird.

0:31:100:31:14

Give it up for Sam Simmons!

0:31:140:31:17

Woo!

0:31:250:31:27

Oh, right, hello, Apollo!

0:31:270:31:30

WHOOPING

0:31:300:31:32

We'll address this straightaway.

0:31:320:31:33

I'm well aware that I look like a Super Mario Brother

0:31:330:31:37

had sex with a Spaniard at Betfred, but that's...

0:31:370:31:40

that's the look I'm going for tonight, people.

0:31:400:31:42

It gets worse though, look at this.

0:31:420:31:44

LAUGHTER

0:31:440:31:46

I look like all the faces from the children's board game Guess Who?...

0:31:470:31:53

..condensed into one head.

0:31:540:31:58

All right, well, enough of what my head looks like on the outside,

0:31:590:32:03

let's see what it looks like on the inside. Let's go.

0:32:030:32:06

-VOICEOVER:

-'Uh, Do you like bread?'

-Yeah, bread's all right.

0:32:060:32:09

-'Do you, like, fully get into it?'

-Not fully.

0:32:090:32:12

What are you talking about, what are you talking about again?

0:32:120:32:15

-'Bread.'

-Yeah, I know bread, mate, I know bread.

0:32:150:32:17

-'Oh, you know bread?'

-Well, I don't know bread, I like toast.

0:32:170:32:21

-'I like toast.'

-Yeah, toast is good, eh?

0:32:210:32:23

'Yeah, I fully get into bread.

0:32:230:32:25

-'I like bread when...'

-DISCO MUSIC

0:32:250:32:27

'I...good...uh...near bread.'

0:32:270:32:31

What are you talking about, mate, what are you going on about?

0:32:310:32:34

-What's going on?

-'Bread.'

-Yeah, I know bread!

0:32:340:32:36

What's going on with this disco music, man?

0:32:360:32:38

What's with the music?!

0:32:380:32:41

'Uh, it's for the bread.'

0:32:410:32:42

What do you mean, "It's for the bread"?

0:32:420:32:45

'Uh, when you're putting on bread shoes.'

0:32:450:32:47

You should've just said putting on bread shoes.

0:32:470:32:49

'Uh...bread shoes.

0:32:490:32:52

-'Oh, yeah. This one's going out...

-# Bread shoes... #

0:32:520:32:54

'..to all the ladies out there who like to wear bread on their feet.'

0:32:540:32:58

# Bread shoes... #

0:32:580:33:00

Ah.

0:33:000:33:01

LAUGHTER

0:33:010:33:04

# Put on the bread shoes!

0:33:040:33:07

# Bread shoes, bread shoes. #

0:33:120:33:15

MUSIC STOPS

0:33:220:33:24

Heads up!

0:33:240:33:25

They're nice.

0:33:270:33:29

So that's the vibe we're going for, ladies and gentlemen. That's it.

0:33:290:33:31

LAUGHTER

0:33:310:33:33

It's niche, it's niche stuff.

0:33:330:33:36

I'm a strong flavour - I'm like the coriander of comedy, deal with it.

0:33:360:33:39

Hey, this is a fun thing to do.

0:33:410:33:43

This is a good, fun thing to do

0:33:430:33:44

when you get poor customer service from someone.

0:33:440:33:46

If someone's being an arsehole to you behind the counter

0:33:460:33:49

and you go to get your change back, OK, don't go like that,

0:33:490:33:53

just go like that.

0:33:530:33:54

40% of the time, all of the time

0:33:560:33:57

they'll try to balance the coins on top of your hand,

0:33:570:34:01

and don't break eye contact.

0:34:010:34:03

It's like, "Yes, yes, yes."

0:34:030:34:04

It's a fun thing to do.

0:34:060:34:07

Next time you go to one of those shit shops like Poundland,

0:34:070:34:09

or PoundLUND if you're in Scotland - sorry, the North.

0:34:090:34:13

They've always got shit names, you know those shit shops,

0:34:130:34:15

I call them the shit shop back at home.

0:34:150:34:17

They've always got stupid names like Priceslap and Bargainsluts.

0:34:170:34:20

Anyway...

0:34:200:34:22

Go into one of those shops and look for the most redundant item

0:34:230:34:26

you can find. It's not hard,

0:34:260:34:27

those shops are just full of shit you do not need.

0:34:270:34:30

Like an oven mitt slash alarm clock, you know what I mean?

0:34:300:34:33

Wander on in, find something really ridiculous that you do not need.

0:34:340:34:37

Like, I went into one shop in Adelaide and I walked in there

0:34:370:34:40

and I found myself a ceramic reindeer standing on top of, like,

0:34:400:34:43

a grassy mound with a thermometer just coming up off the side.

0:34:430:34:47

You know, how you get a reindeer thermometer heaps quick?

0:34:470:34:51

Make sure there's a few on the shelf, make sure there's about

0:34:510:34:53

20 there, get out of the shop, OK, once you've found your shit item,

0:34:530:34:56

wander back about a week later.

0:34:560:34:58

Go straight in, right to the person behind the counter, and go,

0:34:580:35:00

"Excuse me, I was wondering if you can help me,

0:35:000:35:02

"I'm looking for something maybe in a reindeer."

0:35:020:35:04

"It doesn't have to be a reindeer, mind you,

0:35:040:35:06

"it could be any type of ungulate or hooved animal.

0:35:060:35:08

"The catch is it's got to have some measurement of weather

0:35:080:35:11

"attached to the side of it."

0:35:110:35:12

This guy lost his mind.

0:35:130:35:14

He's like, "Oh, my God, I've got exactly that item!"

0:35:140:35:17

LAUGHTER

0:35:170:35:19

When he brings it back, though, just hold it and go,

0:35:190:35:22

"Yeah, it's kind of like what I was looking for...

0:35:220:35:25

"..it's just not for me, though."

0:35:260:35:28

I like doing this stuff to people.

0:35:300:35:31

It's not right. I like doing this at airports.

0:35:310:35:33

You know when you hear someone's running late for a plane and you

0:35:330:35:36

hear that announcement over the PA. It's like, "Cameron James,

0:35:360:35:39

"please get to gate number nine, please.

0:35:390:35:41

"Cameron James, your plane's about to depart, please, Cameron James."

0:35:410:35:44

You see someone sprinting through the airport.

0:35:440:35:46

Now take a punt, that's probably Cameron James.

0:35:460:35:49

So as he's there sprinting along, just yell out, "Cameron James!"

0:35:490:35:52

and they'll be like this...

0:35:520:35:53

"Just keep running!

0:35:560:35:57

"Keep running, Cameron James, you'll miss your flight!"

0:35:590:36:03

It's a safe thing to do cos they can't stop to argue

0:36:030:36:06

cos they've got to get on a plane.

0:36:060:36:08

And then just keep heckling as they're running away, like,

0:36:090:36:11

"Yeah, you better run!

0:36:110:36:14

"Fly, Cameron James, run, fly, fly into the sky,

0:36:140:36:18

"fly like a free-range chicken!"

0:36:180:36:20

Wafer-thin narrative. How cool are chickens?

0:36:210:36:24

I feel bad for chickens, I really do.

0:36:260:36:28

I mean, you know, if everything tastes like chicken,

0:36:280:36:30

why don't we just not eat chickens more?

0:36:300:36:32

You know, when you walk past, like, a chicken shop on the high street,

0:36:340:36:36

they've always got a mascot chicken in a window, like a cartoon chicken

0:36:360:36:40

just having heaps of fun, you know what I mean?

0:36:400:36:42

I saw a really elaborate one in western Sydney,

0:36:420:36:44

it was really elaborate, OK.

0:36:440:36:46

It was a cartoon chicken and he was driving a convertible sports car

0:36:460:36:48

and he had on a top hat with a monocle.

0:36:480:36:51

And he had the kind of look on his face like,

0:36:510:36:53

"Hey, things couldn't get any better, I'm a wealthy chicken."

0:36:530:36:57

I think this seriously misrepresents the experience for the actual bird.

0:36:570:37:01

I think this is how they lure chickens into chicken shops,

0:37:020:37:05

like a chicken will be over on the other side of the road going,

0:37:050:37:07

"Hey, Rowan, look at that chicken in the window there.

0:37:070:37:10

"He's doing really well, he's got a sports car."

0:37:100:37:13

This is why they cross roads, ladies and gentlemen.

0:37:130:37:15

LAUGHTER

0:37:150:37:18

Then they...go into the chicken shop not realising there's a sniper

0:37:180:37:22

hiding behind the cash register.

0:37:220:37:24

And bang! McNuggets.

0:37:240:37:26

All right, guys, it's going to get weird now.

0:37:290:37:33

This next piece is called Things That Shit Me.

0:37:330:37:35

These are things that piss me off. Let's go.

0:37:350:37:38

'Things that shit me.'

0:37:380:37:40

UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

0:37:400:37:43

'When you walk into a room

0:37:430:37:44

'and then you forget why you walked in there in the first place.'

0:37:440:37:48

LAUGHTER

0:37:520:37:54

Oh, yeah...

0:37:570:37:59

'Things that shit me.

0:37:590:38:01

'Having to hug people that you don't know very well.'

0:38:010:38:04

Not you, get in here!

0:38:060:38:07

Mwah!

0:38:070:38:09

'Things that shit me.

0:38:130:38:14

'When you meet a strange Mexican person named Pablo

0:38:160:38:18

'and he starts being all weird.'

0:38:180:38:20

LAUGHTER

0:38:220:38:24

Shh!

0:38:240:38:25

'Things that shit me.

0:38:300:38:32

'Waiters that ask you how your food is while you're

0:38:320:38:34

'still chewing the food.'

0:38:340:38:36

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:38:360:38:38

'Are you enjoying the food?'

0:38:380:38:39

It's delicious, now fuck off!

0:38:390:38:41

'Things that shit me.

0:38:440:38:46

'This picture book of kittens which was first published in 1972.'

0:38:460:38:51

Now the sad thing about this book here is

0:38:510:38:53

if it was first published in 1972, they're all dead now.

0:38:530:38:56

It's just a book of dead cats.

0:38:570:38:59

Dead, dead, dead.

0:38:590:39:02

Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead.

0:39:020:39:05

Everyone of them's dead.

0:39:050:39:06

Dead, dead, dead - they're all dead!

0:39:060:39:08

'Things that shit me.

0:39:130:39:15

'Those people who forget to take off their bicycle helmets inside shops.'

0:39:150:39:20

Do you guys got croissants?

0:39:230:39:25

LAUGHTER

0:39:250:39:27

'Things that shit me.

0:39:280:39:30

'Really confusing television commercials.'

0:39:300:39:33

GENTLE PIANO MUSIC

0:39:330:39:34

"Reliability, integrity, inspiration, synergy, refreshment,

0:39:340:39:41

"be who you are. The Waffle House."

0:39:410:39:44

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:39:440:39:46

'Things that shit me.

0:39:460:39:49

'Pigeons. Especially when pigeons catch up with one another.'

0:39:490:39:53

"Ooh."

0:39:530:39:54

"Ooh."

0:39:560:39:57

"Ooh!"

0:39:580:40:00

"Ooh-hoo-hoo!"

0:40:000:40:02

"Ooh."

0:40:020:40:03

"Ooh, apologise."

0:40:030:40:05

"Uhh!"

0:40:050:40:07

'Things that shit me. Teenagers.'

0:40:090:40:12

I saw a group of underage teenagers

0:40:120:40:14

waiting at the front of Tesco the other day

0:40:140:40:16

and they asked me to go buy them some beer.

0:40:160:40:18

I thought, "Hey, yeah, why not? I already look like this."

0:40:180:40:21

Anyway, when I came back I found out

0:40:210:40:23

they were just really lazy 23-year-olds. Let's go.

0:40:230:40:27

'Things that shit me. Sadness.

0:40:270:40:29

'When you get kind of sad and you feel sadness.'

0:40:290:40:33

SLOW PIANO NOTES 'Sadness.'

0:40:330:40:36

'Sadness.'

0:40:390:40:41

CHANGES BACK TO UPBEAT MUSIC

0:40:410:40:43

'Things that shit me. My impression of a very erotic cat.'

0:40:430:40:47

Tss! Tss! Tss!

0:40:470:40:49

Tss! Tss! Tss! Tss! Tss!

0:40:490:40:54

'Things that shit me. My impression of a little shy guy.'

0:40:540:40:58

Stop it... "You think you're so good."

0:40:580:41:00

Shut up, I do not, stop that. "Yes, you do." I do not, stop it.

0:41:000:41:03

"You do, you think you're so good."

0:41:030:41:04

I don't think I'm so good, stop it, you stop it.

0:41:040:41:07

"You stop it." You stop it first! "You stop it." You stop it!

0:41:070:41:10

You little shy guy. I'm not shy, I just get a little bit weird

0:41:100:41:13

in front of 3,000 people I don't know.

0:41:130:41:15

What? Stop looking at me, stop that! Please stop.

0:41:150:41:19

Please don't stop, please don't stop.

0:41:190:41:21

'Things that shit me.

0:41:210:41:23

'That time I confused going on a trip to Legoland

0:41:230:41:27

'with a leg of lamb.'

0:41:270:41:29

Uh?

0:41:290:41:31

'Things that shit me.

0:41:310:41:33

'The fact that I can never be a gardener or a horticulturalist

0:41:330:41:36

'because if I hold up a pot plant like this, I look like a sex pest.'

0:41:360:41:41

LAUGHTER

0:41:420:41:45

What? Stop it!

0:41:450:41:47

'Things that shit me.'

0:41:470:41:49

POP MUSIC PLAYS

0:41:490:41:52

LAUGHTER

0:42:050:42:08

I feel it, man!

0:42:090:42:11

Come on, just let me get over there.

0:42:140:42:17

I've got to get...

0:42:170:42:19

Come on.

0:42:190:42:21

It's all right... I'm trying get back here.

0:42:210:42:24

It's fine, it's fine.

0:42:240:42:25

Come on, come on.

0:42:270:42:29

Come on, come on, just get in there.

0:42:340:42:36

Just get it... It's not real.

0:42:360:42:38

'Things that shit me. Me!'

0:42:480:42:51

Thank you very much, the Apollo!

0:42:510:42:54

Thank you!

0:42:540:42:55

-Sam Simmons!

-I've got too much stuff to pick up!

0:42:580:43:03

I've got too much stuff.

0:43:030:43:05

Get your stuff, Sam.

0:43:050:43:06

Take that massive cock with you.

0:43:060:43:08

-Take it.

-You do know, that's...?

0:43:080:43:11

Just in case you're wondering, there you are.

0:43:110:43:13

-Sam Simmons!

-Thank you.

0:43:140:43:16

You guys have been fantastic tonight.

0:43:210:43:23

You've seen myself, Gina Yashere.

0:43:230:43:25

You've seen Ellie Taylor and Sam Simmons.

0:43:250:43:28

Thanks for coming to Live At The Apollo!

0:43:280:43:30

Good night! Thank you, good night.

0:43:300:43:32

At the forefront of its genre, the roll call of stand-ups who have performed in front of the famous Live At The Apollo lights plays out like a who's who of comedic royalty, and this series is no different. Each episode sees a national (and sometimes international) stand-up both compering and performing, before introducing two of the best-established and up-coming stand-ups to the stage.

In the third episode, multi award-winning Gina Yashere is the host as she introduces surreal Australian comedian Sam Simmons and rising comedy star Ellie Taylor to the stage.