Military Matters QI XL


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Military Matters

Quiz show in which the aim is to be interesting. Stephen Fry marshals military matters with Sheila Hancock, Jeremy Clarkson, Jimmy Carr and Alan Davies.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Goooooood evening!

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Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening

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and welcome to QI,

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where tonight we're on parade for all things military.

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Here to do battle are the flag-waving Jimmy Carr.

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APPLAUSE

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The sabre-rattling Sheila Hancock.

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APPLAUSE

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The war-mongering Jeremy Clarkson.

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APPLAUSE

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And the ambulance-driving Alan Davies.

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APPLAUSE

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Now their buzzers are suitably belligerent.

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Jimmy goes...

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MUSIC: Theme from The Great Escape

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Sheila goes...

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MUSIC: Theme from 633 Squadron

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Jeremy goes...

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MUSIC: Ride Of The Valkyries by Wagner

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And Alan goes...

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March! March! March! March!

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March! March! March!

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Nice!

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What was unusual about Britain's war with Finland in 1941?

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Jeremy?

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Well, not a shot was fired.

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Oooh...

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No, it was the only time, I think,

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that two democracies have ever gone to war with one another.

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KLAXON

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-That's a hell of an alarm.

-Yeah.

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-Does it know what we're thinking?

-Yes, definitely.

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How did you know that?

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Welcome to my world!

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11 years ago, Jeremy Clarkson, you said, on this very programme...

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That that was true!

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..that the 1941 Anglo-Finnish War was the only one

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fought between two democracies.

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Yeah. Well, have we declared war, since the show, started on France?

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No, there had been others before.

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A viewer named Otto Lowe has written to us...

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-Otto? He'd know!

-..to point out that we were wrong.

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So we're retro-actively taking points from you today.

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LAUGHTER

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You had a slightly bad start to the year, but now it's got terrible!

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LAUGHTER

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-I'm really sorry.

-It is 11 years ago I mentioned it!

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There was the fourth Anglo-Dutch War of 1780 to 1784.

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-The Football War of 1969...

-What was that?

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..between El Salvador and Honduras.

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-Football War?

-The Football War.

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Had Honduras kicked a football into their...?

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LAUGHTER

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It only lasted ten hours, it must be said.

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Was there a half-time?

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LAUGHTER

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Well, I'll go back to my original answer, then,

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which was not a shot was fired.

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I'm afraid that's not true, either.

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13 people were killed in the Anglo-Finnish War.

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The British attacked a port called Petsamo on 30th July, 1941.

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I still think it's the only proper war fought between two democracies.

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Oh, give in, Jeremy, give in.

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LAUGHTER

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If you'd gone home after the programme and looked it up,

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then you'd have known.

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I did look it up before I mentioned it 11 years ago!

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LAUGHTER

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Well, Wikipedia has got more accurate since then. But, erm...

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LAUGHTER

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The fact is, despite its reputation, the Anglo-Finnish War of 1941

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is not the only time two democracies have fought each other.

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Now, if I can be serious for a moment.

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More than 100 million people were killed

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in wars during the 20th century

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and the total number of people ever killed by wars

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could be as many as one billion.

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Einstein described war as "a cloak that covers acts of murder."

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And Antoine de Saint-Exupery called it "a disease, like typhus."

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With all that in mind, here is my question to you.

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Why did Hitler have such a silly moustache?

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LAUGHTER

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Thank God for that! I thought I was on the wrong show for a minute.

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It all got very serious.

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I'm sure you'd agree with my description of war, Sheila?

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I would, absolutely.

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This is a difficult show for me to be on because I'm a Quaker pacifist.

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So I'm not an ideal person on the thing.

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Were you born a Quaker?

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No, I wasn't. I was "a Quaker by convincement," as they call it.

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-Is that what it's called?

-Yeah. Yeah.

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Because my family, the Fry family, were very early Quakers.

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-Of course they were, yeah.

-It's a very admirable thing.

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-And the pacifism is taken very seriously, isn't it?

-Yes.

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Well, it's a lovely thing until Hitler comes along

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and then it's not much use.

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Well, if we'd have done something about it before Hitler came along,

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-then maybe we would have...

-Shaved his moustache off!

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And I think the reason he had that moustache

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is he was probably a fan of Oliver Hardy.

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Ah, well, it's certainly true that they were popular in the '20s

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and increasingly in the '30s among...

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-Well, Charlie Chaplin, of course, is best known.

-Exactly.

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But, supposedly, Hitler changed from

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what was a relatively bushy moustache...

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You may have seen a famous photograph of him as a gefreiter,

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a corporal, in the First World War. There he is on the left.

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But there are a couple of stories. No-one's quite sure which is true.

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There was a fellow who served with him, Alexander Moritz Frey -

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Great Uncle Alexander -

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he was in the same regiment in the First World War as Hitler

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and he said that Hitler trimmed it into the familiar toothbrush

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in order to fit into the gas mask properly.

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Frey's account is controversial, apparently.

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He went on to become a satirist and fantasy novelist,

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starting a family tradition.

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And so...

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But here's a point about Hitler. He's judged very harshly by history,

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but he did kill Hitler.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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That's... I can't take that away from you, Jimmy.

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-Credit when credit is due.

-That's true.

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Some historians believe that Hitler only adopted the 'tache in 1919.

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And his sister-in-law, who lived in Liverpool...

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What, she had one as well?

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LAUGHTER

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She may have done. Do you know what her name was?

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-Muriel.

-Almost, as it were.

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Scouse Adolf.

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-Bridget Hitler.

-Bridget Hitler...?

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Yeah, that was her name. Bridget Hitler.

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-Bridget Hitler?!

-Is that true?

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Yes. She was married to Alois Junior, who was Hitler's half-brother.

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And they had a son, William Patrick Hitler.

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Billy Hitler!

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William Patrick Hitler went to America

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and won a Purple Heart in the Navy.

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Changed his name, I presume.

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Eventually, to Stuart-Houston, I think.

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And he claimed he wanted to forget anything to do with his uncle,

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but he named his first son Alexander Adolf Stuart-Houston.

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LAUGHTER

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Aren't there still, in the American phone book...?

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I know there's a weird fact,

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it's quite interesting, might work on this show,

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where there's still, I think, nine people called Adolf Hitler...

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-Really?

-..that were obviously born before he came to...

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Oh, watch it, because in 11 years they're going to ask you a question.

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LAUGHTER

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-Oh, Jesus!

-You'll be, "Arrgh!"

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You're simmering about that, aren't you?

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I'm not a sore loser, but...

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Yeah.

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Anyway, yes, Bridget in her memoirs said that he came to visit Liverpool

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and that she told him that he should trim the ends of his moustache

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to make it less bushy.

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But as she put it, "As in most things, he went too far."

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LAUGHTER

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That's put him in his place.

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Hey, take it easy, Bridget.

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Yeah, I know!

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Yeah, and speaking of things going a little bit too far,

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here's a question on mutinies.

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Everybody remembers the mutiny on the Bounty,

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but give me the name and rank

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of the man who was overthrown and cast adrift in an open boat?

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-Christian.

-Fletcher Christian. Wasn't he the one that...?

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KLAXON

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Is this just the BBC still getting at me?

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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You were about to correct Sheila, weren't you?

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I was about to say, no, Fletcher Christian was the one who...

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The mutineer.

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..did the mutinying, but Captain...

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Was he a captain and was he called Bligh?

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KLAXON

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He was called Bligh. He was called William Bligh.

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But he was a lieutenant commander.

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I thought it was Marlon Brando.

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KLAXON

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Oops, what happened there?

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Yeah, he was a commanding lieutenant on the Bounty

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and there was a mutiny, and what was the mutiny about,

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what was the prime cause of it?

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-They couldn't get Netflix.

-LAUGHTER

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-You would think they could...

-Was there a shuffleboard incident?

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-They could flick their net to catch...

-Bligh was being too strict.

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Well, they had been in Tahiti,

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where they had enjoyed the hospitality of Tahitian women.

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Beautiful food and fabulous climate and they just loved it so much,

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and Bligh insisted that they all get back on the boat,

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to get back to their duties.

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Do you remember what the duties of the Bounty were?

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-They were collecting flowers, or something. No, some food.

-Yes!

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-Breadfruit.

-Breadfruit, that's it.

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Because they thought that may be the magical food for the British Navy.

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But they were really resentful at the idea that they had to get back

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to their duties and they eventually cast him adrift in an open boat.

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And they gave him just a sextant and a pocket watch

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and, miraculously, he made it all the way to Timor.

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It was a remarkable feat.

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But Bligh seems to have had problems commanding people,

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because he was made Governor of New South Wales

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quite a few years after the mutiny, and they mutinied.

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There was a military putsch to kick him out.

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-He obviously had the knack.

-He had a bit of a knack.

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-So this guy had a knack of upsetting people he worked with.

-Yeah.

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All right...

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LAUGHTER

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Yes, other mutinies - describe the Mutiny of the Monkeys.

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Mutiny of the Monkeys?

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It seems to be that the one in the middle is going to an England match.

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Peter Tork had had enough.

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Oh, The Monkees! Very good.

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-See what I did there?

-I do see what you did there.

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He wanted a go on the hat,

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and the one who always had the hat wouldn't let him have the hat.

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Anyway, the gig was cancelled.

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The one who had the hat, his mum invented Post-It notes.

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Yes, which came about because they were bad stickers.

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-Yeah.

-Yes.

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They were actually a failure,

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because they didn't stick properly, then they thought, hang on a minute.

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They should have used superglue,

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because that never sticks anything to anything.

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-It doesn't!

-I've lost the thread of this conversation!

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LAUGHTER

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Yes, you may not be alone, Sheila!

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Somehow, they were talking about...

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You see, it was the Mutiny of the Monkeys, showing pictures of monkeys,

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-they were talking about the pop group...

-I was there with that.

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One of them... Who wears the hat, Mike Nesmith?

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His mother invented Post-It notes...

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-Or was it Tippex?

-It was in fact Tippex.

-Was it Tippex?

-Yup.

-Oh!

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Oh, well, you got a free Post-It note fact, anyway.

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Yeah, very true.

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So, no, we are in the world of primates here, actual monkeys.

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Mutiny of the Monkeys?

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Well, it was called the Monkey Mutiny, it was in 1890,

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a British vessel called the Margaret,

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which travelled from Durban to Boston

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and it contained a consignment of 400 cockatoos, 12 snakes,

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two crocodiles, some monkeys, a gorilla and an orang-utan,

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to be delivered to an American zoo.

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Almost immediately, things started to go wrong.

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I think I've seen a documentary about this.

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Is it called The Life Of Pi?

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-More or less, yes!

-Sorry, that actually happened?

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-With the tiger, yes.

-So, come on, what kicked off...

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They were on a boat...

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Well, the rats ate the grain, which was intended for the cockatoos,

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-so they all died.

-The cockatoos?

-400 cockatoos, dead.

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Food for the crocodiles!

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Yeah, there was a storm, the snakes and the crocodiles escaped,

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so, the crew barricaded themselves into their cabins

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and wouldn't go out, but then, fortunately, the crocodiles

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and snakes fought each other until there was only one

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crocodile left, and eventually some cargo fell on it and it was killed.

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So, the truth could then come out...

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And they all got new shoes.

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Then, the monkeys escaped and climbed the rigging,

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then they were swept off to sea and drowned.

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Where were the human beings while all this was happening?

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-Shitting themselves!

-They had hidden themselves

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in their cabin for a lot of it. They were scared.

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But by the time they did get to Boston, there was a gorilla,

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three monkeys and four parrots left, out of that whole consignment.

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That is why Boston Zoo is shit.

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-That's the survivors' photo, then!

-Yes, exactly!

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Anyway, so, a mob of monkeys caused a mutiny on the Margaret.

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What's a better way to get out of the Army than shooting

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yourself in the foot?

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Putting your underpants on your head and pencils up your nostrils.

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KLAXON

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APPLAUSE

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AS ROWAN ATKINSON: "And remember to say...uh-bibble.

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"You must say...uh-bibble." Erm...

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-Anyway, are we talking about now, or in history?

-First World War.

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-Is it to say you were homosexual?

-Well, yeah...

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After the war, there was the conscription,

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-the war was over...

-Oh, national service.

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You had national service, and I know one or two actors

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who pretended they were gay to get out of doing conscription.

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I've known more actors who pretended they were straight, but there we are.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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You are right to be in the area of sexual behaviour, shall we say.

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Because there was this idea of a "Blighty wound",

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where in the First World War,

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you'd shoot yourself through the foot in order to be invalided...

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Chop your cock off.

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Well, any of those, if you were discovered doing them,

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would be a shootable offence.

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-It was considered desertion.

-Cheesegrate it off.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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Ooh!

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If you haven't tried it, don't judge.

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Sorry, so, did people really shoot themselves in the foot?

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Did that happen a lot?

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Not a lot, because they would just be accused of cowardice and desertion.

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-So, there was another way.

-Running away.

-Fraternise?

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-Well, a very particular kind of fraternising.

-Pursuing an officer.

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-You do get leave, even in Flanders...

-Sex change.

-Sorry?

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No, you don't have to go that drastic!

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Bestiality.

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-Oh, that would be all right.

-Necrophilia.

-Eugh!

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Look, come on, you're on leave, you go to Rouen or a Le Havre...

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-Oh, sexually transmitted disease.

-Yes!

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Sexually transmitted disease is the answer.

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What did you have to get in a brothel to get out of...

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Well, venereal disease, usually it was the pox or the clap,

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syphilis or gonorrhoea.

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And you were five times more likely to have a venereal disease

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-than you were trench foot, on the front.

-Then why didn't...

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Forgive me for asking, but why

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didn't everybody simply go to a brothel

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in the hope that they could get a dose...

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-They just about did, that's my point.

-It would be tremendous!

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But it was quite well treated,

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and there didn't seem to be any utterly terminal or terrible

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form of venereal disease, so, you would get your few months off,

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and that for something, for that war...

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Then you could go home and see the wife.

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-Yes...

-"All right, love?

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"Nice to see you, but we've got to rest this up..."

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There were 75,000 prostitutes in Paris alone,

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less than 10% of whom were licensed.

0:15:340:15:36

According to one contemporary report, 171,000 British troops visited

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brothels in a single street in Le Havre in just one year.

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Makes you proud, doesn't it?

0:15:450:15:46

During the German occupation, it was an offence for a prostitute

0:15:460:15:50

to give a German soldier a venereal disease,

0:15:500:15:53

and the offender could be imprisoned to keep other men

0:15:530:15:55

safe, but as soon as they started retreating, towards the end of

0:15:550:15:58

the war, they released all the women with venereal disease, in the hope

0:15:580:16:01

that the pursuing enemy would catch the clap, essentially.

0:16:010:16:05

-Dear, oh, dear.

-They really were marvellous times, weren't they?

0:16:050:16:10

-War is such fun.

-Isn't it?

0:16:100:16:12

Robert Graves,

0:16:120:16:13

who wrote probably the best memoir of the First World War,

0:16:130:16:16

Goodbye To All That, the poet,

0:16:160:16:17

he said there were no restraints in France, "These boys had money

0:16:170:16:20

"to spend and knew that they stood a good chance of being killed

0:16:200:16:23

"within a few weeks anyhow. They did not want to die virgins."

0:16:230:16:27

And that kind of says it all, I think. Oh, dear!

0:16:270:16:31

-So, yes...

-I was told this show would be fun!

0:16:310:16:35

Everybody said, "Do QI, it's fun!"

0:16:360:16:39

Well, catching the syphilis IS fun, at least. It's all the rest of it.

0:16:390:16:43

It's proving your point about war.

0:16:430:16:45

Yes, soldiers in World War I could get off by... by getting off!

0:16:450:16:50

Which of these was originally used for military purposes?

0:16:500:16:53

-The bumper car.

-Not the bumper car, in fact.

0:16:530:16:56

-The Ferris wheel.

-Not the Ferris wheel.

0:16:560:16:59

-The merry-go-round.

-That thing that goes round, for sea sickness.

0:16:590:17:02

Well, there we are, we've all gone for something different.

0:17:020:17:05

That's rather pleasing.

0:17:050:17:06

And the only one that's correct is the merry-go-round.

0:17:060:17:09

Which was originally used for that purpose of war training.

0:17:090:17:12

You would sit on the horse and a servant would have a ring

0:17:120:17:16

and you'd have a lance and you would go round and round

0:17:160:17:18

and you'd try and get your lance through the ring

0:17:180:17:22

to practise your accuracy.

0:17:220:17:23

I mean, that's surely bullshit. No?

0:17:230:17:26

LAUGHTER

0:17:260:17:27

No. A merry-go-round was invented to...

0:17:270:17:29

-That can't be right.

-A carousel, it was called a carosello and...

0:17:290:17:32

So the original was sort of like a tennis ball machine.

0:17:320:17:35

Yeah, kind of, yeah.

0:17:350:17:36

Call Of Duty is better, isn't it, really?

0:17:360:17:39

But while we're on the subject of fairgrounds,

0:17:390:17:41

there had been a particular problem in the Boer War,

0:17:410:17:44

where they'd noticed that the British were not very good

0:17:440:17:46

at aiming and firing rifles.

0:17:460:17:48

So they passed special laws.

0:17:480:17:50

-One of the basics, really, isn't it?

-Yeah.

0:17:500:17:52

They passed special laws

0:17:520:17:54

that allowed fairgrounds to have rifle ranges,

0:17:540:17:56

so you could fire rifles, live ammunition.

0:17:560:17:58

-Sorry, there's live ammunition in the fairground?

-Yes.

0:17:580:18:01

-Have you never gone to one of those?

-But it's always like a little cap.

0:18:010:18:04

-Tin pellet.

-Yeah, a pellet.

0:18:040:18:05

I mean, mostly, you get the pellets, but what is allowed, in law,

0:18:050:18:08

even to this day, is live actual ammunition, proper ammunition.

0:18:080:18:11

-In a fairground?

-Yeah.

-Really? Gosh.

0:18:110:18:14

Wow...

0:18:140:18:15

-Really?

-Yeah, really.

0:18:150:18:16

What, a 7.62 mm...

0:18:160:18:19

Up to .23.

0:18:190:18:20

-It is frowned upon if you bring your own gun.

-I was going to say.

0:18:200:18:23

I just want to make it absolutely clear for Jeremy.

0:18:230:18:25

If I turned up with my AK, I'd get all those balloons.

0:18:250:18:28

But a .22 would work. So you could have that.

0:18:280:18:30

It would be quite good to turn up at a fairground with an AK-47

0:18:300:18:34

and go, "I think I'll be taking that bear home."

0:18:340:18:37

LAUGHTER

0:18:370:18:39

"Someone needs a cuddle."

0:18:390:18:41

Have you ever fired an AK-47?

0:18:410:18:44

Er, not in anger, Jeremy.

0:18:440:18:46

No, somebody put it onto automatic

0:18:460:18:48

and quite literally stood me in front of a barn door

0:18:480:18:51

and I missed it.

0:18:510:18:52

LAUGHTER

0:18:520:18:54

-Is that...?

-As we all would.

0:18:540:18:56

It just flies around like a mad thing.

0:18:560:18:58

Of course, the man that did that isn't here to tell the story.

0:18:580:19:00

LAUGHTER

0:19:000:19:01

Very unfortunate incident.

0:19:010:19:03

It never breaks down and it never hits anything.

0:19:030:19:05

-And what, it just flies...

-It just does that.

0:19:050:19:07

And then rushes about in your hands. Terribly dangerous.

0:19:070:19:10

Well, that explains all of the series of The A-Team.

0:19:100:19:13

LAUGHTER

0:19:130:19:15

So it is actually realistic, the idea that, you know,

0:19:150:19:17

no-one got shot, ever.

0:19:170:19:19

Nobody could possibly get shot with an AK,

0:19:190:19:21

not unless you weren't aiming at them.

0:19:210:19:23

If I aimed at you, most of the audience would be history.

0:19:230:19:26

LAUGHTER

0:19:260:19:28

Well, that's you. Not everybody.

0:19:280:19:29

I mean, if they knew how to handle it.

0:19:290:19:31

No, it's pretty much everybody.

0:19:310:19:33

Unless you're a burly Russian shot putt enthusiast,

0:19:330:19:37

then you could probably hold on to it. But I couldn't.

0:19:370:19:39

-I fired a machine gun in Vietnam.

-Really, did you?

0:19:390:19:42

Did you hit anything?

0:19:420:19:44

I hit the end of the field.

0:19:440:19:46

LAUGHTER

0:19:460:19:47

A field's reasonable.

0:19:470:19:48

But they'd got all these old weapons from the American war

0:19:480:19:50

and you go up and you buy bullets.

0:19:500:19:52

-"How many bullets do you want?"

-Oh, my goodness.

0:19:520:19:55

I think I bought ten bullets.

0:19:550:19:56

And they put it in and then you squeeze the trigger

0:19:560:19:58

and they've gone, like that.

0:19:580:19:59

You think, "Oh, I wish I had more."

0:19:590:20:01

That's the evil of guns, isn't it? It triggers something.

0:20:010:20:05

Sheila, you're a Quaker pacifist. Have you got any good gun stories?

0:20:050:20:08

LAUGHTER

0:20:080:20:11

I'm not allowed!

0:20:110:20:12

Oh, dear...!

0:20:120:20:14

It would be so good, though, if you went,

0:20:140:20:16

"Yeah, has anyone ever had a go on a bazooka?"

0:20:160:20:19

That's what we were told, that you could bazooka cows and things,

0:20:190:20:23

but I didn't get the chance to do that.

0:20:230:20:26

-You're a vegetarian!

-We had a...

0:20:260:20:28

LAUGHTER

0:20:280:20:30

You see, this is what guns do, isn't it?

0:20:310:20:33

Vegetarian of the Year.

0:20:330:20:35

The other thing that I learned about was that they used cattle...

0:20:350:20:39

Erm...

0:20:390:20:40

Oh, no, that was a stand-up routine I did. That's not true.

0:20:400:20:43

LAUGHTER

0:20:430:20:45

APPLAUSE

0:20:450:20:49

I think you're beginning to blur the lines.

0:20:500:20:53

It's come to something when I'm struggling to remember a fact

0:20:530:20:56

and it's something I made up myself.

0:20:560:20:57

LAUGHTER

0:20:570:20:59

Anyway, one important skill for a soldier is map reading.

0:20:590:21:02

But why are maps so difficult to fold?

0:21:020:21:05

Well, because now they're on your phone, so you've got to break it.

0:21:050:21:09

Well, we've got some ones that aren't on a phone.

0:21:090:21:12

My father was a navigator in rallying and he could...

0:21:120:21:15

Oh, was he?

0:21:150:21:16

He could fold one in the passenger seat of a Mini Cooper

0:21:160:21:19

-in the dark at night.

-Did he pass that skill on?

0:21:190:21:22

-This is torture, you know?

-So whenever I go to fold up a map...

0:21:220:21:25

-Genuinely, this is my idea of hell.

-Of hell, yeah.

0:21:250:21:27

It is hell.

0:21:270:21:29

That's right, because there are...severe problems.

0:21:290:21:32

So there they are.

0:21:330:21:35

I mean, I'll tell you, probably the best idea

0:21:350:21:37

-is not to unfold it in the first place, Stephen.

-Yeah.

0:21:370:21:39

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:390:21:41

Hey, well done!

0:21:410:21:42

That's impressive!

0:21:440:21:46

That is 12 seconds.

0:21:460:21:48

It's like anything with maps, my father was a navigator.

0:21:490:21:52

And I know what all the symbols mean.

0:21:530:21:55

Sheila, we've missed our turn!

0:21:550:21:57

Concentrate!

0:21:570:21:58

Right, I'll race you.

0:21:580:22:00

Oh, oh, we'll cheat...

0:22:000:22:01

You're sort of doing what I do there, I think.

0:22:010:22:04

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:22:070:22:09

Oh, Sheila!

0:22:090:22:10

My car is just full of those.

0:22:120:22:14

Pyongyang. Pyongyang.

0:22:140:22:17

-Haven't you got a satnav?

-Where would we be without satnav?

0:22:170:22:21

Hey...! "Where would we be?"

0:22:210:22:24

Elstree. Probably at those studios, I don't know.

0:22:240:22:26

Come on, everyone, make an effort.

0:22:260:22:28

LAUGHTER

0:22:280:22:30

The fact is, most maps have got nine folds one way and two the other,

0:22:300:22:34

which means that there are 2,048 different ways of folding them.

0:22:340:22:39

-Two to the power of 11.

-Really?

0:22:390:22:40

A man called Miura, who was an aeronautical designer,

0:22:400:22:44

was doing solar panel foldings

0:22:440:22:46

and he came up with this way of doing it...

0:22:460:22:49

And all you have to do is that and it folds.

0:22:500:22:53

You just push the corners together.

0:22:540:22:56

And it doesn't matter what you...

0:22:560:22:58

-And what's more...

-It wouldn't work.

0:22:580:23:00

-Sorry?

-It wouldn't work if you gave it to me.

0:23:000:23:02

-Stephen, could you...

-Well, I'll give you one.

0:23:020:23:05

The one that you've got there, is that a map of Mars?

0:23:050:23:09

You've got one there.

0:23:090:23:11

And you just take the top-right and bottom-left corners,

0:23:110:23:14

-or any other way.

-That way?

0:23:140:23:15

It's so folded, it just does it by itself.

0:23:150:23:17

-Take the corners and push them together.

-Oh, my God!

0:23:170:23:20

That's it! Jeremy, you've done it!

0:23:200:23:21

APPLAUSE

0:23:210:23:24

-But this man is the greatest genius who ever lived.

-Isn't he? I know!

0:23:290:23:32

-It's fantastic.

-Who is he?

0:23:320:23:34

He's called Miura, he's a...

0:23:340:23:35

LAUGHTER

0:23:350:23:38

Good God!

0:23:380:23:40

Of course, what you don't realise, he was trying to make a crane.

0:23:400:23:43

LAUGHTER

0:23:430:23:45

Koryo Miura his name is, and they are very handy.

0:23:450:23:48

I would have been so fucking pleased if I'd invented that.

0:23:480:23:51

LAUGHTER

0:23:510:23:53

Well, there are other things you can do with folding.

0:23:530:23:55

I've got some tissues here. And if we...

0:23:550:23:58

-Oh, what are we doing now?

-Oh, origami!

0:23:580:24:00

You're each... If I can give you each a tissue.

0:24:000:24:02

All right, so I'll pass...

0:24:020:24:04

OK.

0:24:040:24:05

There we are. Pass it down. Oops...!

0:24:060:24:08

-What are we doing with the tissue?

-And I'll have one here.

0:24:080:24:11

OK, so what are we up to?

0:24:110:24:13

-What you're trying to do is scrunch it up...

-Oh, yeah, OK.

0:24:130:24:15

-..like this in your hands.

-Yeah.

0:24:150:24:17

-And you scrunch it up. And then...

-Stick it right up your bum!

0:24:170:24:20

No!

0:24:200:24:21

LAUGHTER

0:24:210:24:22

You try and think of an animal...

0:24:220:24:24

Like, I'm thinking of an animal.

0:24:240:24:25

I'm thinking of a sort of swan or something like that.

0:24:250:24:28

-I've really scrunched mine up.

-I'm thinking of a swan.

0:24:280:24:30

-Like that, can you see my swan?

-Do I have to think of a swan?

0:24:300:24:33

There you are...

0:24:330:24:34

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:24:340:24:38

There we are.

0:24:430:24:44

Tiger. I've got tiger.

0:24:440:24:47

-I've got absolutely nothing at all.

-Oh, well.

0:24:480:24:50

I thought of a badger, but it got run over.

0:24:500:24:52

LAUGHTER

0:24:520:24:55

Excellent! Well done, all.

0:24:550:24:57

Now, an army is said to march on its stomach,

0:24:570:25:00

but what is the most morale-boosting thing you can find in a meat pie?

0:25:000:25:05

-Cocaine?

-No!

-Well, motivation wise, it would do wonders.

-Well, perhaps.

0:25:050:25:11

-A Greggs steak bake.

-People, people.

-Yes, people!

-People in pies.

0:25:110:25:17

I'll tell you the story behind it and you might think that

0:25:170:25:20

there probably was never quite such a morale-boosting pie.

0:25:200:25:23

It was Philip the Good, and Philip the Good was the ruler of Burgundy.

0:25:230:25:27

-There we are, then, red wine...

-And in 13...

0:25:270:25:31

56, probably, I wouldn't be surprised... 1454...

0:25:310:25:34

-LAUGHTER He, um...

-Good save!

0:25:340:25:38

He held a feast for knights

0:25:380:25:39

and squires and pages and lords and so on.

0:25:390:25:42

It was a PR stunt to promote a crusade that he wanted

0:25:420:25:44

to hold against the Turks. They had taken Constantinople.

0:25:440:25:48

Anyway, he had a feast, it was called the Feast of the Pheasant,

0:25:480:25:51

and it included a meat pie which contained 28 musicians...

0:25:510:25:56

Oh! Alive?

0:25:560:25:58

..who played throughout the meal. Yes, alive! It was a vast pie.

0:25:580:26:01

A Manneken-Pis, which was urinating rose water,

0:26:010:26:05

a castle that squirted orange punch into its moat,

0:26:050:26:09

and a lion chained to a pillar, that protected a statue of

0:26:090:26:13

a nude woman who served mulled wine from her right breast.

0:26:130:26:17

It sounds like a party at Elton John's house.

0:26:170:26:20

Well, in this case, after this enormous pie, a giant came on,

0:26:220:26:26

with an elephant on a leash, the elephant had a castle on its back

0:26:260:26:30

and the castle had a dishevelled nun, whose hands were held in

0:26:300:26:34

prayer, and she implored Philip to go on a crusade to save Constantinople.

0:26:340:26:38

-A dishevelled nun?

-Apparently dishevelled.

0:26:380:26:42

He immediately leapt to his feet, made an oath to retake the city

0:26:420:26:44

and all his guests, caught up in the excitement of the pie, which had so

0:26:440:26:48

boosted their morale, that they said they would go on the crusade, too.

0:26:480:26:51

And that's why it's always a good idea to invade the Middle East.

0:26:510:26:54

Well, actually, they were very fortunate, because they didn't

0:26:540:26:57

-go on their crusade, despite the morale-boosting pie.

-They didn't go?

0:26:570:27:01

No, they didn't, because Charles VII of France, who was the King,

0:27:010:27:05

said that he thought it was a terrible idea.

0:27:050:27:07

-So, they had the pie for nothing.

-I'm fascinated by this dishevelled nun.

0:27:070:27:13

Yes, well, the word "dishevelled" is used in Chaucer, you may remember...

0:27:130:27:17

-I don't remember, Stephen.

-No, fine...

0:27:170:27:20

-Did you know him at all, Sheila?

-No.

0:27:200:27:23

-He uses the word hevelled.

-Hevelled?

-"The man's head is cleanly hevelled."

0:27:240:27:30

So, dishevelled means uncombed. So, the nun was uncombed, it seems.

0:27:300:27:35

Though it's often used of clothes as well now.

0:27:350:27:37

Yeah, Philip the Good, he certainly knew how to throw a good party.

0:27:370:27:40

What's the worst thing you can find in a Morrison Sandwich?

0:27:400:27:44

Well, Morrison was Food Minister during the war.

0:27:440:27:47

-Ah, you've got straight to it.

-Herbert.

0:27:470:27:49

-He was in charge of sandwiches, was he?

-No. Well...

0:27:490:27:52

He was, in fact, in charge of home defence. And he came up...

0:27:520:27:56

Making sure no-one got in and took them.

0:27:560:27:57

-Home Guard?

-Not the Home Guard, exactly,

0:27:570:27:59

but he came up with a home defence idea, which was a type of shelter.

0:27:590:28:03

-It was for the more deprived families and they...

-Not the Anderson?

0:28:030:28:07

-It was indoors.

-..they were given free. It was indoors.

0:28:070:28:09

Indoors, as opposed to the Anderson shelter, which was outside.

0:28:090:28:12

-Exactly right.

-Which I spent my life in.

0:28:120:28:14

And a dear friend of mine was in one of those

0:28:140:28:17

-and her house took a direct hit and she survived.

-Yes.

0:28:170:28:20

One of the things we wanted to say

0:28:200:28:21

is that it was actually not, as it might seem,

0:28:210:28:23

a rather unsafe contrivance.

0:28:230:28:25

-But it actually worked really, really well, it seems.

-Yeah, it did.

0:28:250:28:28

But there was one problem. Sometimes, the top bit,

0:28:280:28:30

which was solid metal, and the bottom was solid metal,

0:28:300:28:33

sometimes, the top bit just crashed down

0:28:330:28:35

and the person was caught in what was then called a Morrison Sandwich.

0:28:350:28:38

-Wow!

-Oh, gosh!

-But it was considered safer.

0:28:380:28:40

And it was also quite loved, unlike the Anderson shelter,

0:28:400:28:42

which was pretty hated, is that right?

0:28:420:28:44

Well, I quite liked it, actually.

0:28:440:28:46

You used to sit, be outside and you could watch,

0:28:460:28:48

you always had binoculars and you could watch the dogfights going on,

0:28:480:28:52

-you know, in the Battle of Britain and...

-God!

0:28:520:28:54

And you felt kind of safe down there.

0:28:540:28:56

The only thing was that you were frightened

0:28:560:28:58

that you'd be trapped in the shelter.

0:28:580:28:59

I sleep with my hand over my head,

0:28:590:29:01

because there was an escape hatch

0:29:010:29:03

at the back of the Anderson shelter with a spanner

0:29:030:29:05

that you would use to get out.

0:29:050:29:07

And I used to sleep like that on my bunk, and I still do.

0:29:070:29:10

I sleep with one hand over the head.

0:29:100:29:12

You could probably sleep somewhere else now, Sheila.

0:29:120:29:15

LAUGHTER

0:29:150:29:17

This one on the left...

0:29:170:29:19

This one on the left, it's actually a weight test.

0:29:200:29:22

It's being tested for how much it can take.

0:29:220:29:25

And, as you can see, it's a fair amount of weight.

0:29:250:29:27

There was one in my uncle's garden, I remember.

0:29:270:29:29

What, an Anderson shelter?

0:29:290:29:31

-There is one on my farm and it's just full of pornography.

-What is?

0:29:310:29:35

-Pornography?

-It's just full of Men Only, Mayfair... All from the '70s.

0:29:350:29:39

Is that where you keep your collection?

0:29:390:29:41

That used to be a thing, though, didn't it?

0:29:410:29:43

Whenever you'd walk through woodland, I remember as a teenager,

0:29:430:29:46

there would be pornography lying around.

0:29:460:29:48

-In the hedges.

-In the days before the internet.

0:29:480:29:50

There was just porn lying about in the woods.

0:29:500:29:53

Does anyone else remember that? Is that just me? It's a thing, right?

0:29:530:29:57

-No!

-No, it is!

0:29:570:29:59

You used to walk through the woods and there would be porn lying about.

0:29:590:30:02

Everywhere. I was never able to get

0:30:020:30:04

to the sweet shop without encountering pornography.

0:30:040:30:07

Well, this is very odd! Why in the woods? Why in the woods?

0:30:070:30:13

I think that's when, possibly, people went and bought some

0:30:130:30:15

pornography and thought, well, I'd better not bring that home.

0:30:150:30:18

Then they'd drive home and leave a single shoe

0:30:180:30:20

-in the central reservation, which is the other thing.

-Yes!

0:30:200:30:23

And unravel their cassette tape. There we are...

0:30:230:30:26

That's everything done now for the day.

0:30:260:30:29

Cassette tape, single shoe, strong pornography in the wood.

0:30:290:30:34

What a strange world you live in.

0:30:340:30:38

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:30:380:30:42

Anyway, yes, Morrison Sandwich...

0:30:440:30:46

Morrison's sandwiches, as opposed to Morrison Sandwiches,

0:30:460:30:49

which were people caught there.

0:30:490:30:50

There's a Morrison's sandwich, and, of course,

0:30:500:30:52

they're delightful, fresh and charming and I wouldn't want

0:30:520:30:55

to suggest anything about them that was unpleasant.

0:30:550:30:57

-You've never had one in your life, have you?

-Well, no, but...

0:30:570:30:59

LAUGHTER

0:30:590:31:01

I know they exist.

0:31:010:31:02

APPLAUSE

0:31:020:31:05

So, yes, Morrison Sandwiches could be deadly,

0:31:050:31:08

but Morrison's sandwiches are, of course, delicious.

0:31:080:31:11

LAUGHTER

0:31:110:31:13

How do all-female military battles differ from all-male ones?

0:31:130:31:17

They all tidy up afterwards.

0:31:170:31:19

So sweet!

0:31:230:31:24

-Female battles?

-I don't think humans have ever had an all-female war.

0:31:240:31:29

No, I wouldn't have thought so.

0:31:290:31:30

The Amazons were supposedly female soldiers, but they fought men.

0:31:300:31:33

The reason there has never been an all-female war

0:31:330:31:36

is there's plenty of me to go round, I think.

0:31:360:31:38

They might have to bail out.

0:31:380:31:41

Oh, lawks!

0:31:410:31:43

-So, we are not talking about human beings, in that case.

-Oh!

0:31:430:31:47

-Oh, an animal war.

-An animal war,

0:31:470:31:49

-conducted purely by females of that species.

-Mosquitoes.

0:31:490:31:52

-Is it the praying mantis?

-Not mosquitoes, but...

-Rabbits?

0:31:520:31:55

-You were right with insects.

-Bees?

0:31:550:31:56

-Bees!

-A bee war.

-Bees went to war?

0:31:560:31:59

-Yes, bees' war on other hives, other colonies.

-Lady bees?

0:31:590:32:04

-Yes, Australian stingless bees...

-The Queen bee?

0:32:040:32:07

The Queen is the one who doesn't fight,

0:32:070:32:10

but all the other females, who are sterile...

0:32:100:32:12

-Are there other female bees?

-Yes, but they are sterile.

0:32:120:32:15

They launch a turf war against another colony.

0:32:150:32:17

The main attack method is to bite the leg or wing.

0:32:170:32:20

But because they have six legs,

0:32:200:32:21

they can keep going until they have got no legs left.

0:32:210:32:25

-These are not British bees...?

-No, Australian.

-Oh, right!

0:32:250:32:29

-British bees would never...

-Yes, yes!

0:32:290:32:32

They would leave them at home, making honey!

0:32:320:32:35

-British lady bees, exactly.

-British bees wouldn't bite legs off.

0:32:350:32:39

So... LAUGHTER

0:32:390:32:42

-When the victory...

-There are some weird animals in Australia.

0:32:420:32:46

There are.

0:32:460:32:48

The colony that wins, they install their Queen

0:32:480:32:50

and kick out all the others, who are left to die,

0:32:500:32:53

-because they can't survive unless they are in a colony.

-Oh, charming!

0:32:530:32:56

Yes, it's all rather grim.

0:32:560:32:58

In Scouting For Boys...

0:32:580:32:59

Sorry, your hobby...?

0:32:590:33:02

It is a strange title.

0:33:020:33:04

It is, of course, by the founder of the Scouting movement...

0:33:040:33:07

Baden Powell.

0:33:070:33:09

What does one think of a man who can say something like this?

0:33:090:33:12

He said of bees, "They are quite a model community,

0:33:120:33:16

"for they respect their Queen and kill their unemployed."

0:33:160:33:20

-Does he say that?

-Yup!

0:33:230:33:26

What begins with M that you could shoot with one of these?

0:33:270:33:31

Those guys are tiny!

0:33:320:33:33

LAUGHTER

0:33:330:33:35

A mallard.

0:33:350:33:37

A mallard is very good, absolutely. You recognise what that is?

0:33:370:33:40

-It's a punt gun.

-It is indeed a punt gun.

0:33:400:33:43

APPLAUSE

0:33:430:33:46

-There's a few punters in.

-Yeah...!

0:33:460:33:47

You're good on guns, aren't you, Jeremy?

0:33:470:33:50

Well, I shot one of those, but I shot a clay pigeon with it.

0:33:500:33:54

And proved that a man can actually fly.

0:33:550:33:58

LAUGHTER

0:33:580:34:01

So don't tell me you weren't on a punt?

0:34:010:34:02

No, I wasn't on a punt and there's a sort of momentum thing goes

0:34:020:34:05

and you get it going and then you just can't stop it.

0:34:050:34:08

And I was airborne for 20 minutes.

0:34:080:34:11

LAUGHTER

0:34:110:34:12

That's one of the reasons they have them on punts is...

0:34:120:34:14

-I mean, the boat goes backwards.

-That's the point.

0:34:140:34:17

You could fire that in Norfolk

0:34:170:34:18

and you would wind up in Stavanger three weeks later

0:34:180:34:21

doing 300mph.

0:34:210:34:23

More or less true. But also, more distressingly, perhaps,

0:34:230:34:25

if you like waterfowl,

0:34:250:34:27

one shot can destroy up to 50 at a time.

0:34:270:34:30

-So you could have...

-So is it shot like a shotgun?

0:34:300:34:32

Yeah, it's just a huge amount of blast.

0:34:320:34:35

I mean, I know you're a vegetablist, which is fine...

0:34:350:34:37

LAUGHTER

0:34:370:34:38

What I don't understand about these

0:34:380:34:40

is that if you actually hit a duck, it vaporised it.

0:34:400:34:43

LAUGHTER

0:34:430:34:45

And apart from licking the lake or the grass...

0:34:450:34:47

LAUGHTER

0:34:470:34:49

..there's no nutritional value from an atomised layer.

0:34:490:34:51

You're pretty much right.

0:34:510:34:53

Seriously, why do they have such a great big gun for it?

0:34:560:34:59

-Well, it was used in the United States of America, of course...

-Ah!

0:34:590:35:02

..in the early part of the 19th century.

0:35:020:35:05

But even the Americans realised

0:35:050:35:06

they were going to deplete their waterways just too much.

0:35:060:35:09

So, by 1860, it was banned. You couldn't use it any more.

0:35:090:35:12

-And then they use hand grenades now.

-Yes. They do, yeah.

0:35:120:35:15

I got picked up, this is another gun story, and I apologise, Sheila,

0:35:150:35:18

but I got picked up by a man once at an airport in Phoenix

0:35:180:35:20

and he was a big noise in the NRA and we had very little in common.

0:35:200:35:25

And he drove along in complete silence

0:35:250:35:27

and he just turned to me after about ten minutes and went,

0:35:270:35:29

"What is your personal preference of firearm?"

0:35:290:35:32

As a small talk. That was small talk.

0:35:320:35:34

-"I don't really have one, mate."

-And you said punt gun.

0:35:340:35:37

"Punt gun, mate."

0:35:370:35:39

Yeah, I should have done.

0:35:390:35:40

I tried that earlier with Sheila. We didn't really hit it off.

0:35:400:35:43

LAUGHTER

0:35:430:35:44

I almost want to go to a rifle range with you

0:35:440:35:47

to see you with one of these guns.

0:35:470:35:48

You're obviously hopeless at it.

0:35:480:35:51

LAUGHTER

0:35:510:35:53

APPLAUSE

0:35:530:35:57

The punt gun was used to massacre mallards, Muscovy ducks,

0:35:570:36:01

mergansers and other mother-duckers.

0:36:010:36:04

From ducks to Drakes.

0:36:040:36:06

What was the name of the fleet of ships

0:36:060:36:08

that got its arse kicked in 1589 during the Anglo-Spanish War?

0:36:080:36:11

The Spanish Armada.

0:36:120:36:14

KLAXON

0:36:140:36:16

-Oh, taking one for the team now.

-Well, I knew that would come.

0:36:160:36:19

-Yeah. That was 1588, the Spanish Armada.

-Oh.

0:36:190:36:22

-Is this the next year?

-The next year.

0:36:220:36:24

-They came back and had another go?

-No, this is what's so interesting.

0:36:240:36:27

This is the English Armada.

0:36:270:36:28

What's interesting is we just don't teach this in schools,

0:36:280:36:31

but it's a far worse defeat on the English.

0:36:310:36:32

Was this Cadiz?

0:36:320:36:34

No, Cadiz was singeing the King of Spain's beard, as it was called.

0:36:340:36:36

-It was a success.

-Cadiz is pronounced Cardiff, by the way.

0:36:360:36:39

IN SPANISH ACCENT: Cadiz. Cadiz.

0:36:390:36:41

But if you say Cardiff,

0:36:410:36:42

you're much closer to the way the Spanish say it.

0:36:420:36:44

-As I've found out.

-Oh, really?

0:36:440:36:46

Just say Cardiff and they go, "Oh, si, si. That way."

0:36:460:36:50

You walked to it?!

0:36:500:36:51

If you say Cadiz, they go, "Que?"

0:36:510:36:53

But, anyway, it's nothing to do with Cadiz.

0:36:530:36:55

Was it the one where we went and did too long?

0:36:550:36:57

No, what's interesting about this is that the English had a plan.

0:36:570:37:00

Having seen off the Spanish Armada,

0:37:000:37:02

Drake, filled with confidence,

0:37:020:37:03

thought they would really defeat Philip II of Spain

0:37:030:37:06

and we would really finish the job.

0:37:060:37:08

Instead of which, we lost 40 ships and it was an utter disaster.

0:37:080:37:12

But they don't teach it in English schools.

0:37:120:37:14

The Spanish Armada that is taught a lot and we celebrate

0:37:140:37:17

was not really that much of a triumph, to be honest.

0:37:170:37:20

We didn't sink their ships in the great battle.

0:37:200:37:23

The fire ships that Drake invented to send into them

0:37:230:37:26

didn't destroy any Spanish shipping.

0:37:260:37:28

So it was just not really that great a triumph.

0:37:280:37:30

It was the wind that beat them, not really Drake.

0:37:300:37:33

But where... What... I've forgotten what the question was about 1589?

0:37:330:37:36

What was the name of the fleet of ships that got its arse kicked?

0:37:360:37:39

Oh, it's the name of the fleet of ships. I don't know.

0:37:390:37:41

-It was the English Armada.

-Oh, was it? Yeah.

0:37:410:37:44

-Yeah, well, I don't want to learn about that.

-No!

0:37:440:37:46

LAUGHTER

0:37:460:37:48

-I learnt about HMS Victory.

-Mm.

0:37:480:37:51

And they used 60,000 trees to make HMS Victory.

0:37:510:37:55

They would grow oak trees and when they were saplings,

0:37:550:37:58

they would tie ropes round them

0:37:580:38:00

so that branches would grow into bends, because they needed...

0:38:000:38:04

To make the hulls and the keel, you needed oak in that shape,

0:38:040:38:09

-so the growing of the oak was an extraordinary...

-Amazing, isn't it?

0:38:090:38:12

Extraordinary expertise went into it.

0:38:120:38:14

The year after the Spanish Armada,

0:38:140:38:17

an English Armada was soundly beaten by Spain.

0:38:170:38:19

But we don't really like to talk about it.

0:38:190:38:21

That was something that people are generally ignorant about.

0:38:210:38:24

And here are some more.

0:38:240:38:26

Fingers on buzzers, if you please.

0:38:260:38:27

I'll give you 100 points if you can name one of the countries

0:38:270:38:31

where either the first or last shots of the First World War were fired.

0:38:310:38:36

-Well...

-It's worth it, for 100 points.

0:38:360:38:38

-France.

-KLAXON

0:38:380:38:40

Germany, England...

0:38:400:38:42

It's where that guy, the king, the man was shot in the carrier.

0:38:420:38:46

-..Austria, Turkey.

-Where was that?

0:38:460:38:48

Well, that first shot in Sarajevo was not the shot of the war.

0:38:480:38:50

It's what caused the war later.

0:38:500:38:52

Oh, you mean soldiers shooting.

0:38:520:38:54

Once the war was under way,

0:38:540:38:56

-the first shot that was actually fired in it...

-Romania.

0:38:560:38:59

-The Isle of Man.

-Denmark.

0:38:590:39:00

-Jersey.

-No. I'll tell you.

0:39:000:39:03

It was Togoland.

0:39:030:39:04

That was the next thing I was going to say.

0:39:040:39:07

Where is Togoland?

0:39:070:39:10

Next to Disneyland.

0:39:100:39:11

It is now called Togo, but it was called Togoland then.

0:39:110:39:14

It's the middle of the Pacific, isn't it? Somewhere a long way away.

0:39:140:39:17

No, you may be thinking of Tonga or something. This is Africa.

0:39:170:39:21

It was a German colony. And on the 4th August, 1914,

0:39:210:39:24

the British Empire declared war on Germany

0:39:240:39:26

and three days later it attacked Togoland,

0:39:260:39:29

-Germany's small, but strategic colony there.

-Is that Namibia-y way, then?

0:39:290:39:32

No, it's much further up, near the Gold Coast, that sort of area.

0:39:320:39:35

And Regimental Sergeant Major Alhaji Grunshi

0:39:350:39:38

was the first to shoot back when the German-led police force

0:39:380:39:41

shot the approaching British forces, colonial forces.

0:39:410:39:43

-He was obviously better at it than Jeremy.

-Yeah!

0:39:430:39:45

-So he became...

-Did he actually hit anything?

0:39:450:39:48

He didn't necessarily hit anybody,

0:39:480:39:49

but he became the first member of the British Army to fire a shot in the war.

0:39:490:39:53

Because I'd be the perfect armed guard for a Quaker meeting.

0:39:530:39:57

You would! You would!

0:39:570:39:58

I'm loving everything that you're so bad with guns.

0:39:580:40:02

-You missed again.

-Yes, I have.

0:40:020:40:03

But the war also ended in Africa, in fact.

0:40:030:40:05

The last actual battle took place

0:40:050:40:07

on a golf course in Northern Rhodesia, which is now called Zambia.

0:40:070:40:11

They stopped fighting eventually,

0:40:110:40:13

but German troops fought on for ages

0:40:130:40:16

in what is now Tanzania, Tanganyika as it was.

0:40:160:40:18

And they surrendered on November 25th, 1918.

0:40:180:40:20

If you shoot someone on a golf course,

0:40:200:40:22

is it considered polite to shout "Fore!"?

0:40:220:40:24

-You'd think it would be the least you could do.

-Probably.

0:40:240:40:27

So, yes, 14 days after the Armistice was the last shot of the war

0:40:270:40:30

that anybody can find, which was in Tanganyika.

0:40:300:40:33

So, yeah, the first shots of World War I were fired in Togo,

0:40:330:40:37

the last in Tanganyika.

0:40:370:40:38

And, finally, our last question.

0:40:380:40:40

What happened to the last of the Mohicans?

0:40:400:40:43

He had a haircut.

0:40:430:40:44

LAUGHTER

0:40:440:40:46

-Wild West show?

-Well, what is a Mohican?

0:40:460:40:49

-A hairstyle.

-Well, aside from a hairstyle, yes.

0:40:490:40:52

Well, it's an Indian. Native American tribe, is it?

0:40:520:40:55

-Oh, no, wait...

-You said what?

0:40:550:40:56

Have I... I've gone and trodden on one of those land mines.

0:40:560:40:59

Because you can't say Indian, can you?

0:40:590:41:01

What do I say, Native American?

0:41:010:41:03

No, actually you can say Indian.

0:41:030:41:04

I found, doing a documentary all over the reservations...

0:41:040:41:07

-I can say it?

-..they called each other Indians.

0:41:070:41:09

I nearly got fired for that once.

0:41:090:41:10

LAUGHTER

0:41:100:41:12

APPLAUSE

0:41:120:41:14

Things go around, don't they?

0:41:160:41:18

The American Indian Movement is the premier political body

0:41:190:41:22

fighting for the rights of American Indians

0:41:220:41:24

and they call themselves the American Indian Movement, AIM.

0:41:240:41:27

It's a whole new world since I left.

0:41:270:41:28

LAUGHTER

0:41:280:41:30

There are two sets of Native Americans, American Indians,

0:41:300:41:33

that have been known as Mohicans.

0:41:330:41:35

They're the Mohegans, who live in Connecticut

0:41:350:41:38

and run the Casino of the Sky.

0:41:380:41:40

Yeah, the Mohegan Sun Casino, I've been there.

0:41:400:41:43

-It's called Mohegans, is it?

-Mohegan, yeah.

0:41:430:41:45

And then the Mahicans or Ma-he-cans,

0:41:450:41:47

also provide a gambling service for you

0:41:470:41:49

at the North Star Mohican Resort in Wisconsin,

0:41:490:41:52

known as "the Midwest's Friendliest Casino".

0:41:520:41:54

Yeah.

0:41:540:41:56

The guy on the right there is rubbish.

0:41:560:41:58

He is.

0:41:580:41:59

The worst Native American ever.

0:41:590:42:02

-It doesn't work, does it?

-Not joining in, is he?

0:42:020:42:04

He's going, "No-one told me we were supposed to dress as Indians!"

0:42:040:42:07

LAUGHTER

0:42:070:42:09

"I look ridiculous!"

0:42:090:42:10

LAUGHTER

0:42:100:42:12

The Mohican hairstyle, which you've alluded to,

0:42:120:42:14

is only called that in Britain.

0:42:140:42:16

-What do they call it in America?

-Something ridiculous.

0:42:160:42:19

-They call it Mohawk.

-A Mohawk!

0:42:190:42:23

Yeah, but actually, neither Mohicans, neither the Mohegan...

0:42:230:42:28

Whichever one you choose, none of them had their hair like that.

0:42:280:42:32

Nor do Mohawks have their hair like that.

0:42:320:42:34

It's the Pawnees who have their hair cut like that.

0:42:340:42:37

But for some reason, Mohawk and Mohican is there.

0:42:370:42:40

So, we haven't seen the last of the Mohicans.

0:42:400:42:43

They're still coining it in their casinos.

0:42:430:42:45

Ker-ching, ker-ching, chin-go ker-chook-chook-chook, ching ching.

0:42:450:42:48

As Neville Chamberlain said,

0:42:480:42:50

"In war, no matter which side may call itself the victor,

0:42:500:42:53

"there are no winners, all are losers."

0:42:530:42:55

And so it is with QI.

0:42:550:42:57

But let's see who is the least losing of them all.

0:42:570:43:00

Lord, oh, bless my blimey...

0:43:000:43:02

Well, I have to say, it's a fantastic score

0:43:020:43:05

for a first-time performance.

0:43:050:43:07

Wow! Look at that!

0:43:070:43:09

Quaking away at minus 2 is Sheila Hancock!

0:43:090:43:12

APPLAUSE

0:43:120:43:15

In second place, with minus 8, it's Jimmy Carr.

0:43:160:43:20

-APPLAUSE

-Minus 8 is good, that's great.

0:43:200:43:23

In third place, going great guns, it's Jeremy.

0:43:250:43:28

Minus 13. APPLAUSE

0:43:280:43:31

Which means... How did you do that?

0:43:310:43:33

And only just last is...

0:43:330:43:37

Alan on minus 14.

0:43:370:43:39

APPLAUSE

0:43:390:43:42

That's all from Sheila, Jimmy, Jeremy, Alan and me.

0:43:470:43:49

And I leave you with this deep thought

0:43:490:43:51

of American humorist Jack Handy.

0:43:510:43:53

"I can picture in my mind a world without war,

0:43:530:43:55

"a world without hate

0:43:550:43:57

"and I can picture us attacking that world,

0:43:570:43:59

"because they'd never expect it."

0:43:590:44:00

Good night.

0:44:000:44:02