Estate Agent Rhod Gilbert's Work Experience


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This programme contains some strong language

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I'm comedian Rhod Gilbert and this is my work experience.

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This week, I'm an estate agent.

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When I was a kid, being an agent was supercool.

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Secret agent, double agent, and the coolest of the lot, estate agent.

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'As I headed to an agency in Cwmbran, I was living every child's dream.'

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-Hi, Gav.

-How are you, Rhod? Are you all right?

-Good, thanks.

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-Good, good. Welcome to Peter Alan.

-Thank you.

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'New boss Gavin Shepherd and his team would train me up.'

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As an estate agent,

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I'd be joining the likes of nurses and lifeguards as one of the most loved

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and valued sectors of society.

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So, Rhod, what we're going to do, we're going to hit the road.

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I'm going to show you a property that we have for sale.

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-Mm-hm.

-That is new to market.

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-Are you ready?

-I am...

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Are you excited?

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Let's sell some houses!

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OK. Just one thing, happy people sell.

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-Happy people sell.

-Remember that.

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Big smile, let's go.

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What about grumpy people?

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'This was my training day.

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'By the end of the week, Gav had given me a challenge

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'to sell an actual, real property,'

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so I was curious to know what the current industry

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perspective was on bullshitting.

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What's the view these days of most estate agents on creatively describing...

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embellishing, what do you want to call it...?

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You can't. You've got to be honest, you know.

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You've got to be creative with your wording, of course you have.

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I think it's just got to be very real, very true.

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'With 15 years' experience,

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'Gav knew more about Victorian semis than Prince Albert's fluffer

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'and he'd seen it all.'

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I've walked in on people having sex.

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I've gone upstairs, they've been well aware of the appointment,

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and you walk in and the blanket's going like crazy.

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You know exactly what's going on and you've got to quickly be able to turn

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-the situation on its head.

-Does that help you sell a house or hinder it?

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-It depends how good the sex is they're having, I suppose.

-Exactly!

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Here we go. This is the Cedars.

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Look at the size of that.

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Whoa!

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'My training started at a typical Valleys mining cottage near Usk.

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'A great little bargain doer-upper for a first-time buyer.'

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This is on the market for £3,250,000.

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OK. Into the games room.

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-Now we're talking.

-Full-size snooker table.

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-Can we have a game?

-No.

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That's one thing, you can't touch nothing in this man cave.

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What if you broke an antique or something, you know?

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Who are they going to come and shout at?

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-It's going to be us.

-How do bad do you think I am at snooker?

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'Gav was trying to teach me stuff

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'but the Valleys' answer to the Taj Mahal

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'was blowing my mind and I was only half listening.

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'That's right, I was semidetached.'

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It's got four boilers.

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I can't even imagine life with four boilers.

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Nice, nice, nice...

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Look at this!

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Oh, my God!

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'Part man, part Guess Who picture tile,

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'Gav was worried that leaving me to sell this property would be like

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'putting a beaver in charge of a log flume.'

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Can you imagine if I walked in here and I was like...

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"Oh, my God, Rhod, look at this!"

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Amazing, I'd love one of these myself!

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You're going to be like that... "Oh, my God, what's this idiot doing here?"

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You're going to be concentrating on me, rather than looking at the room.

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It's quite a back seat.

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Definitely. You need to stand back, let them take it all in.

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Let the property speak to them.

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'Guess Who Gav was certainly letting this property speak to me.

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'His job was a piece of piss.

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'Just wander around doing nothing, let the house sell itself,

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'and then steal the commission.'

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So, again, exactly what I'm doing here, I'm standing back from you,

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letting you explore.

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Silence speaks volumes.

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Silence speaks volumes.

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So, if I'd walked in and I'd immediately be attracted to that, the view,

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I'd walk up here, take the fountain, the gravel drive, the gardens,

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the view, you'd just leave me...

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Yeah, exactly. You're taking in the view there.

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If I'm there and I'm nattering away and I'm taking you away

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from the nicer parts of the property and what could sell it to you,

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-so you've got to be careful.

-Ssh!

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Ssh!

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-Thank you.

-(OK.)

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So, yeah, definitely.

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Let the surroundings do the work.

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Ssh!

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We've been through this, Gav.

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I'm not telling you again.

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This is a great job, isn't it?

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Driving round, coming to stunning houses, gravel drives,

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just looking at the pool, snooping around.

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Whoa, whoa, calm down.

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This is just a little tiny, tiny part of the job.

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What can you say?

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-After you?

-OK!

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What... What's the story here?

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This is where the property has been taken back into possession by the bank.

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People have had to get evicted here from their home.

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So for us as an estate agent, this is where it starts.

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Whereas, you know, it's the end for them, you know?

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And how tough is it to see what was once your home up for sale and you

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have no control over it?

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You're not going to go long in this job before you have a reality check.

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This is happening all over the country, you know?

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It does put things into perspective.

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How do you turn this into a positive?

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It's hard to see it as a happy home for some potential new chapter of

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-somebody's life, isn't it?

-That's a process it has to go through before it

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becomes exciting, I suppose.

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Believe it or not, this will be super popular.

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-It's hard to look at it like that right now though, isn't it?

-Yeah.

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OK.

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Forget it. Let's go.

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'I had no idea estate agents were involved in these

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'desperately sad situations.

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'I wasn't sure I'd be tough enough for this job.

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'But Gav was keen to stress how rewarding it could be.'

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You're matching people to the right property.

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That's what you're going to be doing this week.

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Once you get a match, you'll want to scream from the rooftops.

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-Brilliant, do you?

-Yeah.

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Yeah, yeah. Listen what the criteria is, look for it on our books,

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match them up, book a viewing, sell the house.

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I've got really mixed feelings about this.

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On the one hand,

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I think the same about estate agents as everybody does.

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Exaggerating the positive aspects of properties -

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I'm a bit worried about that.

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On the other hand,

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I'm quite excited because I can imagine it's really rewarding,

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handing over the keys to somebody to their new house, a big deal.

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It's the biggest thing you will ever buy and it's a really exciting moment

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in people's lives and you're part of that.

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So I've got mixed feelings.

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'I was feeling ambivalent, but there was no time for navel-gazing nonsense

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'because Gav had big, big plans for me.'

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As much as you are part of the team,

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you're also standing on your own two feet and you are in charge of your destiny.

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So therefore, I do not want you walking over that door

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any later than 8:45 tomorrow, do you hear me?

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Ssh, Gav.

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I'll be here.

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'Next day, I took charge of my own destiny and turned up at 10am.

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'If I could match some people to properties,

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'I'd be buzzing like a sticky doorbell.'

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-What do you think?

-Yes, I can see you've made an effort.

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Fantastic. Brilliant stuff.

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Yeah, great. You look like an estate agent.

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Is that a compliment?

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'A sales environment isn't me at all, but at least Gav

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'wasn't into all that cringey team-building "let's play a game" shit.'

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Rhod, every day we have a bit of a game, just to lift everyone's spirits,

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wake the brain up, so...

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-Do you?

-Yeah. To keep the fun side of the job...

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-No.

-You've heard of a game...

-You don't play a game...?

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-Yeah.

-In this meeting?

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HE LAUGHS AND WOMEN JOIN IN

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-Sorry.

-But if you've heard of a game called "boy, girl, fruit, flower",

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you will be familiar with how this goes.

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A...

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A what?

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So he says, A, and you've got to go B, C, D, do the alphabet in his head,

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-silently.

-In his head? Yeah. And that's the game?

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You've got to say stop the bus.

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Have you not played stop the bus before, Rhod?

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-I haven't played stop the bus.

-And if he lands on...

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Did you not have a childhood?

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If he says D in his head, you've got to use D, so D for animal,

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D for car, D for place.

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If three-year-olds can play this game, we should be able to, OK?

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If three-year-olds can play this game, maybe we shouldn't be playing it.

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-Stop the bus.

-'Gav's sales team was pumped to the max,

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'but I felt as uncomfortable as Donald Trump in a sombrero.'

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-Animal.

-I've got nothing at all.

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Turkey.

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Very good, yes. Place.

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-Turkey.

-Have you got Turkey for all of yours?

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Let's smash it today.

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Have fun, enjoy.

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Remember, if the ship doesn't sail in, swim out and meet it.

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Let's create some business.

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Go for it.

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Yes!

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I'm feeling a really weird mix of pumped up and confident,

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sell, sell, sell,

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and the other part of me is thinking

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I've got absolutely no chance of selling anything.

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If the ship doesn't come in, which it almost certainly won't,

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I imagine I will drown swimming out to meet it.

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'But before I could sell a house,

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'Guess Who Gav wanted me to get a potential new property onto his books.'

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Photos are absolutely paramount.

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They have to be spot-on,

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so it's really important that you get the angle right

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and as much of the room in as possible.

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'Rock up and snap the joint.

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'It was sounding like a piece of pizzle until Gav got serious

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'and the bizzle went all shizzle.'

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Always ask the people to go in front of you.

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What if you're walking up the stairs and somebody is behind you and they

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had a knife or a gun...?

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Who the fuck have you set me up viewings with?!

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They could be armed?!

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You just don't know who you're viewing with.

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I mean, we do our best to vet people.

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Take your phone, so you've got all necessary cautions

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to prevent any of this happening.

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I've always wondered why, when I've been to view a property,

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why the estate agent is always behind me and I'm always walking in front.

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It's because they are worried I'd shoot them.

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'On the popularity scale,

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'estate agent comes between traffic warden and death squad,

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'so in case things turned nasty, I'd need a safe word.'

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Today, how about your safe word being David Dickinson?

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If you feel a bit unnerved from the start, you phone the office...

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I say, "where is David Dickinson?"

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What you need to do is slip it into a sentence.

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For instance, you could say,

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could you please call David Dickinson and let him know

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I'm going to be running late for my next viewing appointment?

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'Armed with my safe word, I headed off to bring my first house to market,

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'haunted by images of Dickinson in a gimp outfit.'

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Hiya, love. All right?

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Hiya. Rhod.

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-Charmaine.

-Am I at the right place?

-Yeah, yeah.

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-Come on in.

-Thank you.

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'As Charmaine pointed out her home's best features,

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'I was on red alert.

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'Any sign of trouble, I'd call the office

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'and drop the mahoganied marvel casually into a sentence.'

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-PHONE RINGS

-Right.

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Beautiful. It is that my phone?

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Sorry, I was told to bring a mobile phone in case you tried to kill me.

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SHE LAUGHS

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-Right.

-You walk in front of me.

-Why?

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I've been told, that's what I do.

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-Upstairs.

-Yeah.

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It's a nice breeze.

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-On a hot day like this.

-Yeah, it's like a wind tunnel through here.

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I won't put "wind tunnel", I'll put "bright and breezy".

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Yeah. This is the big bedroom.

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I don't go to bed in the night, I watch supernatural things.

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-All about ghosts.

-You don't use this bedroom?

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Yeah, I come to bed about four.

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Why do you come to bed at four?

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Because I like watching ghost things, like Ghost Inside My Child,

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My Haunted House, Paranormal Activities.

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-Right.

-My ideal job would be an undertaker.

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-Right.

-Yeah, I'm not scared of the dark, love.

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You've got to be scared of the living, not the dead.

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'Too right. Charmaine was living and she was starting to scare the shit out of me,

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'but I needed to get as much detail as I could about the property

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'before she killed me.'

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-Playroom.

-Playroom...

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-Coffins.

-You what?

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-Coffins.

-Coffins.

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Candles, picture it, candles...

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You go out first.

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'Charmaine was batshit crazy,

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'Norman Bates trapped in Velma-from-Scooby-Doo's body.'

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Get a coffin, buy a coffin, have niblets, wine and what-have-you,

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and take photos to see what you look like when you're dead.

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'What was my bloody safe word?

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'Daniel O'Donnell? No, David Dimbleby?

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'Alarm bells were really ringing.'

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ICE CREAM VAN CHIMES PLAY

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-On ice cream route. That's a selling point, isn't it?

-No.

-It's not?

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If you ain't got no money and your kid's screaming for an ice cream,

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-isn't it?

-Cross that out.

-Yeah.

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'Before I ran for my life,

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'I had to get photos of Batshit Bates' three-bed kill pad,

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'carefully noting any escape routes.

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'Because happy people sell, but dead ones don't.

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'My work done, I wanted to scarper, but I was determined to sell a house

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'and Charmaine was a potential buyer.'

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Obviously, I'm here to try and sell this one.

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-Yeah.

-And you don't mind if I sign you up as a new customer and try and

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-find you somewhere...?

-Yeah. It's got to be done up.

-It's got to be done up?

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-Yeah, so it got to be...

-You don't want any work to do.

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Rundown. No, I don't... I want loads of work to do.

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I've got to do it up.

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You're looking for somewhere really rundown that you can put your own stamp on

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and do it up from scratch?

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-You want it to be derelict.

-Not like derelict, so there's no like walls.

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It got to have a roof, but the inside can be as bogging

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as it comes. Right? We can wipe our feet walking out.

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Can I just jot that down? "Inside can be as bogging as it comes."

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Because I'd like one of those Georgian houses.

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Bogging Georgian shithole, yeah.

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'South-facing gardens.

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'I'd got the property onto our books and signed up a potential new buyer.

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'But something told me that Batshit wouldn't be easy to please.'

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-You don't like my shoes?

-I hate them, love.

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They're vile. Trousers are nice, but the shoes...

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So I can keep the trousers on, can I?

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First thing you look at a man were the shoes and I look at you and

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-straightaway I think, "Twat".

-Twat?

-Twat. You've got twatty shoes on.

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'I headed back to base as fast as my twat shoes would carry me,

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'confident my arty photos would hit the spot.'

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Please be vocal, give as much feedback as you can.

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So, what have we got?

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Hm!

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-Nice candle.

-You've taken the focus away from the bathroom.

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Makes the bath look quite small, as well, doesn't it,

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considering the size of the candle?

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I have no idea so far what this house looks like.

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'Like cats on a seesaw watching Wimbledon,

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'the team lapped up my photos.'

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Look at that. What do you think of that?

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If I'm honest, I took that picture of the axe more for...

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That was a David Dickinson moment.

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I thought, just in case.

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A little bit dark.

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Out of ten, what would you give Rhod for these photos?

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I think we'll go six for effort.

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But four for quality.

0:14:300:14:32

Four for quality?

0:14:320:14:33

You tried.

0:14:330:14:35

Don't give up your night job.

0:14:350:14:37

THEY LAUGH

0:14:370:14:38

Shit!

0:14:380:14:40

'Some pictures are worth a thousand words, but mine were only worth two -

0:14:400:14:43

'the second one was "off" - but maybe with a thousand words,

0:14:430:14:46

'I could paint one half-decent picture.'

0:14:460:14:48

My description of Charmaine's property...

0:14:480:14:51

-OK.

-A spacious reception room

0:14:510:14:53

will soothe your weary limbs in winter

0:14:530:14:56

with a real fire.

0:14:560:14:57

While in summer, throw the windows open and let the gentle Valleys breeze caress your soul.

0:14:590:15:03

-OK.

-This stunning property might be a semi,

0:15:030:15:06

but it will give you a full erection.

0:15:060:15:08

-God!

-You'll really love this mind-blowing opportunity

0:15:160:15:19

to enjoy the finest Cwmbran has to offer.

0:15:190:15:22

Come home to Cwmbran.

0:15:220:15:23

-Clever.

-I'm quite impressed with that.

0:15:260:15:28

Do you know what? I absolutely love it, but there's a few things in there we wouldn't be able to use.

0:15:280:15:33

Maybe take out the bit about the full election, I grant you.

0:15:330:15:35

I like the "come home to Cwmbran",

0:15:350:15:37

I might steal that from you and use it in a few of my own.

0:15:370:15:40

Brilliant, so we like that?

0:15:400:15:42

-Yeah, yeah. Not a bad job there, Rhod.

-Shall I type it up?

-No.

0:15:420:15:45

'I'd got Charmaine's house on the market.

0:15:450:15:48

'Now all I had to do was sift through the stinking Edwardian crap gaffs and

0:15:480:15:51

'minging Victorian dump joints

0:15:510:15:53

'to find the bogging Georgian shithole of her dreams.'

0:15:530:15:56

I've got my properties ready to show Charmaine

0:15:560:15:59

and I think I've got just the places.

0:15:590:16:01

I'm confident by the end of today, she'll have the keys to one of them.

0:16:010:16:04

If not two.

0:16:040:16:06

'Before I set off, I needed to get some last-minute tips from Guess Who Gav.'

0:16:060:16:10

Silence is golden,

0:16:100:16:12

happy faces sell, anything else?

0:16:120:16:15

-Yes.

-What?

-Talk. Open up, keep it real.

0:16:150:16:18

It's all very confusing.

0:16:180:16:20

Silence is golden, but talk, open up and keep it real?

0:16:200:16:23

Now, sometimes you need to talk to them to help them open up

0:16:230:16:25

and see what they're thinking and...

0:16:250:16:27

I can't teach you on when to talk.

0:16:270:16:29

You just need to read people's body language.

0:16:290:16:31

Happy faces sell, if the ship doesn't sail in,

0:16:310:16:34

swim out to meet it, and silence is golden, sometimes.

0:16:340:16:38

Go, do your best, impress,

0:16:380:16:40

and come back with a sale.

0:16:400:16:42

The closest I've come to finding someone their dream home

0:16:420:16:44

is giving my hamster a roll of toilet paper,

0:16:440:16:47

but I've done my homework and was convinced

0:16:470:16:49

'this place would be right up Charmaine's batshit street.'

0:16:490:16:52

-I'm always slightly late.

-Horrible street.

-It's not.

0:16:520:16:55

-It's horrible.

-Well, let's have a look at it, because you might love it.

0:16:550:16:59

Good start. Can't even get in!

0:17:010:17:03

I think I've got it.

0:17:030:17:05

Ah! Here we go!

0:17:060:17:08

-Et voila.

-There we go.

0:17:080:17:09

OK.

0:17:090:17:11

-Small, isn't it?

-Well, this isn't the whole thing.

0:17:110:17:14

This is just a little porch area.

0:17:140:17:16

High ceilings. Artex, got to go.

0:17:160:17:20

That wall will have to go.

0:17:200:17:22

This would be knocked in the... Yeah, it's nice and big.

0:17:220:17:25

-Not bad.

-Do you like the wallpaper?

-No, not really.

0:17:250:17:27

Not my style, love.

0:17:280:17:30

I'm trying to do what Gav taught me.

0:17:310:17:33

I'm trying to sit back, silence speaks volumes, whatever it was, sometimes.

0:17:330:17:36

I've done my research.

0:17:360:17:38

I think I'm doing quite well.

0:17:380:17:40

I know you said you like hosting parties that are a bit...

0:17:400:17:44

I like the dead. I like the dead, love.

0:17:440:17:47

-You like the dead.

-Yeah.

0:17:470:17:48

Well, this place has got a basement.

0:17:480:17:50

I can feel the cold.

0:17:500:17:52

It's a little bit... Isn't it?

0:17:520:17:54

-Yeah.

-I thought you might like this.

0:17:540:17:56

Perfect little space for your coffins.

0:17:560:17:58

This is under the street.

0:17:580:17:59

If she replaced the puppy wallpaper with pictures of her victims,

0:17:590:18:02

I thought I'd found a match

0:18:020:18:04

for some of Batshit Bates' twisted requirements. But I was wrong.

0:18:040:18:07

This ain't bogging. There's no ceilings falling down or anything,

0:18:070:18:10

-is there?

-You want it worse than this?

0:18:100:18:14

Yeah.

0:18:140:18:15

-Time is precious, waste it wisely. Has this been a waste of time?

-Yeah.

0:18:170:18:20

Sorry, Rhod, you done your best, but it wasn't good enough.

0:18:200:18:24

The wallpaper was right. Time WAS precious.

0:18:240:18:26

My ship wasn't coming in.

0:18:260:18:28

I only had one day left to sell a property.

0:18:280:18:30

Next morning, back at the office,

0:18:300:18:32

'Gav's unhappy face swam out to meet mine

0:18:320:18:34

'and our two faces bobbed about unhappily.'

0:18:340:18:37

We have got one final day and I think this could be it for you, Rhod.

0:18:370:18:42

We have got an open house booked.

0:18:420:18:44

We'll have a set time of the day

0:18:440:18:46

where the property can be viewed openly.

0:18:460:18:49

So, yeah, people can come and go as they please.

0:18:490:18:52

Do go out of your way to make an effort to sell this property today.

0:18:520:18:55

If that ship don't come in, Gav,

0:18:550:18:57

I'm going to be swimming out to meet it, mate.

0:18:570:18:59

Do you think you need some armbands?

0:18:590:19:01

I think I may need armbands!

0:19:010:19:02

So I've got to get this place ready.

0:19:050:19:06

Several buyers coming to have a look round.

0:19:060:19:08

It'll be down to me to try and sell it. Am I feeling confident?

0:19:080:19:11

I don't know any more.

0:19:120:19:13

'I had to sell this bloody house.

0:19:130:19:15

'I had just an hour to Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen it into shape

0:19:150:19:18

'before my first appointments.

0:19:180:19:19

'By the time I'd finished with this place,

0:19:230:19:26

'I'd be standing by in a blood-splattered pinny

0:19:260:19:28

'while potential buyers fought to the death in the garden.'

0:19:280:19:32

Does that say open house?

0:19:320:19:34

Or does it look total shit?

0:19:340:19:36

'As the aroma of fresh, fresh instant coffee wafted through the house,

0:19:360:19:40

'I prepared myself to feel the warm, warm buzz of the sale.'

0:19:400:19:43

To sell any home,

0:19:430:19:45

the piece de resistance is the smell of freshly baked bread.

0:19:450:19:50

FAN WHIRS

0:19:530:19:54

Hello. Rhod Gilbert.

0:19:580:20:00

Welcome to your new home.

0:20:000:20:02

After you. In case you're a killer.

0:20:020:20:04

-Hi.

-Rhod Gilbert, how are you?

-Callum.

0:20:040:20:06

-Hello, Callum.

-How are you, all right?

-Nice to meet you. Come in, Callum.

0:20:060:20:10

The house is now open.

0:20:100:20:12

-Oh, lovely.

-Hopefully, this is giving him a nice sort of first impression,

0:20:120:20:16

the balloons... Looks quite...

0:20:160:20:18

-I'm Stacey.

-Hi, Stacey.

0:20:190:20:21

-Nice to meet you.

-Hi.

0:20:210:20:22

Hiya. Sorry, I put these up. I thought they'd be a fun welcoming addition

0:20:220:20:25

-but actually they're really annoying.

-A bit different.

0:20:250:20:28

'My happy face firmly on, I'd done my homework,

0:20:280:20:30

'and I knew this house inside out.'

0:20:300:20:32

Rhod, hi, Karen. Come on in.

0:20:320:20:33

What this is, is a good space, isn't it?

0:20:330:20:35

They are good-sized rooms, they're nice sort of square rooms.

0:20:350:20:38

You can see it with a proper kitchen in there,

0:20:380:20:40

French doors onto the patio, you can see what it could look like.

0:20:400:20:43

Easy commute to the vibrant Cwmbran shopping centre.

0:20:430:20:46

That's not far from the M4. 'I was being silent when talking wasn't needed,

0:20:460:20:49

'talking when silence wasn't needed, and using body language,

0:20:490:20:52

'sometimes silently, when talking and silence weren't needed.

0:20:520:20:56

'And any questions, I had the answers.'

0:20:560:20:58

What would you say the rental income would be?

0:20:580:21:01

I will have to find that out and get back to you.

0:21:010:21:04

-Yeah?

-I don't know how long it's been empty.

0:21:040:21:06

-Is it a flat roof?

-Ooh.

0:21:060:21:07

They're asking me lots of questions I don't know about.

0:21:090:21:11

So I'm slightly winging, I feel a bit guilty.

0:21:110:21:13

-Where's the sun now? It's there.

-I think the sun...

0:21:130:21:16

Some things, I've got no idea about because I haven't done enough

0:21:170:21:19

-homework.

-How old is it?

0:21:190:21:21

-Do you know?

-Oh, how old is it, that's a good question.

0:21:210:21:24

That is a good question.

0:21:240:21:25

Yeah, I couldn't tell you that. I can find out. I'll find out.

0:21:250:21:28

I'll have to find that out. I will look into it.

0:21:280:21:31

'I tried to swim out to meet the ship,

0:21:310:21:32

'but my trunks had come down and my bottom was showing.

0:21:320:21:34

'It was time to call the coastguard.'

0:21:340:21:38

'No allocated parking.'

0:21:380:21:40

No allocated parking, garage is nothing to do with it.

0:21:400:21:42

Furniture not included.

0:21:420:21:44

'As my crack sales team filled in the massive gaps in my knowledge,

0:21:440:21:47

'I was reduced to being a glorified speakerphone.

0:21:470:21:49

'As redundant as an expert in Michael Gove's house.'

0:21:490:21:53

Thanks ever so much. Bye-bye.

0:21:530:21:55

Thanks for coming. Take it easy.

0:21:550:21:57

Give me a call if you've got any more questions.

0:21:570:21:59

-Will do.

-We'll give you a ring.

0:21:590:22:01

I think I did really, really well.

0:22:020:22:04

Either that or really, really badly.

0:22:060:22:08

'Gav knew more about getting clients to completion than a Soho masseuse.

0:22:090:22:13

'Back at the office, he assessed my performance.'

0:22:130:22:16

-How have you got on?

-Well...

0:22:160:22:18

I don't think anybody...

0:22:200:22:22

-..was interested.

-Was there any offers?

0:22:230:22:26

Anything for us to follow up while you go on and get on with your life?

0:22:260:22:30

I didn't ask them. Do you know what happened?

0:22:300:22:33

I got a little bit bamboozled with questions and I was ringing the office all the time.

0:22:330:22:36

When the time was up, they just sort of wandered off and I forgot to say...

0:22:360:22:40

"Does anybody want it?"

0:22:400:22:42

So, as easy as estate agency sounds, you know,

0:22:420:22:45

it's proven to be difficult for you to make a sale.

0:22:450:22:48

'Guess Who Gav wasn't impressed.

0:22:480:22:50

'I was now in desperate need of a montage to show me doing officey stuff,

0:22:500:22:53

'working with the team, pulling together some kind of rescue plan.

0:22:530:22:56

'My chances of feeling the buzz rested on one person - shoe-hating,

0:22:560:23:00

'coffin boffin Batshit Bates.

0:23:000:23:02

'I was determined to match Charmaine to her dream shithole.'

0:23:020:23:05

-Please, God...

-Why don't you mark them up?

0:23:070:23:10

You're not allowed to mark them up because if we lose them all,

0:23:100:23:13

then somebody...

0:23:130:23:14

Not put the address on them.

0:23:140:23:16

Put a dot on there, you know them little sticky dots.

0:23:160:23:18

A code, I should have done that.

0:23:180:23:19

Yeah, yeah. Don't become a prison officer, love,

0:23:190:23:21

all right?

0:23:210:23:23

You know like the old brown velvet curtains your nan used to

0:23:230:23:26

have in her house? Vile, love, honestly.

0:23:260:23:28

They're not vile! Trendy, fashionable.

0:23:280:23:31

-There's nothing trendy about them. Bin 'em.

-Right, I'll take them off.

0:23:310:23:34

Right. Customer is king.

0:23:360:23:39

Customer is king. I'm going in in my bloody socks!

0:23:390:23:42

'Keyless, clueless and now shoeless,

0:23:440:23:46

'it was time for yet another SOS call to the office.'

0:23:460:23:49

Hi, guys. We're stuck in Capel Street, Pontypool.

0:23:500:23:53

I don't think we've got the right keys for this property.

0:23:530:23:55

It's not just me. Charmaine can't open them either and I'm standing here in my socks. So...

0:23:550:23:59

Are we at the right property?

0:23:590:24:02

David Dickinson wouldn't get into this mess, would he?

0:24:020:24:06

Can you imagine David Dickinson getting into this state, Charmaine?

0:24:060:24:10

Is that the one who does that antique thing?

0:24:100:24:12

-Yeah, that's him. David Dickinson.

-I'd smash him so hard in the face.

0:24:120:24:16

-I hate him with a venom.

-Do you?

-Worse than your shoes.

0:24:160:24:19

-Really?

-I once said,

0:24:190:24:21

can I just go on the show so I can hit him in the face?

0:24:210:24:24

Call us back. Bye.

0:24:240:24:26

-Have you tried this one?

-No.

0:24:260:24:28

I don't know if I tried...

0:24:290:24:30

Shut up.

0:24:310:24:33

Oh, no!

0:24:330:24:35

Your shithole awaits.

0:24:360:24:38

'Following Charmaine round at a safe distance,

0:24:390:24:41

'it was clear that my efforts with the team hadn't been wasted.

0:24:410:24:44

'The place was taking a lot of Batshit Bates' boxes.'

0:24:440:24:47

Is this bogging enough for you? Is it enough of a project?

0:24:470:24:50

-Yeah.

-Enough work to do on it?

-Yeah.

0:24:500:24:52

Look at the kitchen, love. You couldn't cope with that, could you?

0:24:540:24:57

-Too small.

-You can actually cook and wash up at the same time.

0:24:570:25:00

-Isn't it?

-That's a good thing, isn't it?

-No.

-OK.

0:25:000:25:04

Small. But knock this through, massive kitchen/dining room here,

0:25:040:25:08

lounge in the front.

0:25:080:25:09

Could work, I suppose.

0:25:090:25:12

'Hang on, my ship was coming in.

0:25:120:25:14

'I could see its tattered sails on the horizon

0:25:140:25:16

'and hear its rum-soaked crew crying, "Land ahoy, land ahoy!"'

0:25:160:25:20

Have a look at there what's missing, right, you tell me.

0:25:210:25:25

Doing your estate agent bit, what's missing from that house?

0:25:250:25:28

There's a chimney stack missing.

0:25:280:25:29

Right. Even though it looks like it's got the fires.

0:25:290:25:33

Obviously, it hasn't.

0:25:330:25:35

No chimney, no house, end of.

0:25:350:25:37

-That's it.

-Game over.

0:25:370:25:39

-I've cocked up there.

-You've cocked right up.

0:25:410:25:44

-I really don't like this house.

-OK.

-Sorry.

0:25:440:25:47

-OK.

-I really don't like it.

0:25:470:25:49

It's the chimney, that's what it all comes down to on this one.

0:25:490:25:51

It's the chimney. When I seen your shoes, I hated them,

0:25:510:25:54

when I seen this house didn't have a chimney, I hated it.

0:25:540:25:57

'I'd never feel Gav's buzz.

0:25:570:25:59

'Never match Batshit to her bogging dream dump,

0:25:590:26:02

'my face would never know what it was to be a happy selling face.

0:26:020:26:05

'My ship had sunk. Or had it?'

0:26:050:26:08

As your estate agent, I probably shouldn't say this, because...

0:26:080:26:12

..you are selling your place and you're doing it through us,

0:26:130:26:16

and I've brought you on as a new client to try and buy a place for you.

0:26:160:26:20

So I definitely shouldn't say this.

0:26:200:26:22

But I think you should stay where you are.

0:26:220:26:24

-Everything you want, you've got in your house.

-Yeah.

0:26:240:26:27

If I took you to your own house now, you would buy it off me,

0:26:270:26:30

-shaking hands today.

-130, no questions asked.

0:26:300:26:32

-130.

-No questions asked.

0:26:320:26:34

Views of the mountains. You've got exactly what you want.

0:26:340:26:36

130.

0:26:360:26:38

Deal. That's wicked.

0:26:380:26:41

Best estate agent ever!

0:26:410:26:42

The best estate agent... What a day.

0:26:420:26:44

What a day.

0:26:440:26:46

That is the buzz. Gav said it was a buzz.

0:26:470:26:49

It was a reward and it certainly is.

0:26:490:26:52

'It was a masterstroke.

0:26:520:26:54

'My sunken metaphorical ship had been salvaged.

0:26:540:26:57

'Next morning, I couldn't wait to break the good news.'

0:26:570:27:00

The big news is that Charmaine,

0:27:000:27:02

I landed her as a new client and this is the really genius bit,

0:27:020:27:06

I said, "What you are looking for is this, this, this,

0:27:060:27:08

"you've got it all already".

0:27:080:27:09

Light bulb moment, she went, "Yeah, I have, you're right".

0:27:090:27:12

I said, "stay in your own House".

0:27:120:27:14

Flogged her her own house for the price she was looking for.

0:27:140:27:17

She hasn't had to move, there's no solicitors, no surveyors.

0:27:180:27:21

I tell you what, I've never thought about that myself, Rhod.

0:27:210:27:23

She's never been happier.

0:27:230:27:25

She's over the moon. She's woken up today in her new house.

0:27:250:27:27

In her old house. She's realised what she's got.

0:27:270:27:32

What he said is he's lost a property for you. That's what he's saying.

0:27:320:27:36

Happy faces sell. I've sold.

0:27:360:27:39

'As Batshit Bates headed back to her own brand-new old kill pad,

0:27:390:27:43

'I looked forward to my employee of the decade award from Gav.'

0:27:430:27:46

How do you think I've got on?

0:27:480:27:50

Honestly? Well, for a start, you have cost us a lot of money.

0:27:500:27:55

You've lost us a buyer.

0:27:550:27:58

And yeah, I hate to say it to you,

0:27:580:28:00

Rhod, I would probably say...

0:28:000:28:03

You've said enough.

0:28:050:28:06

I don't think you need to say anything else.

0:28:080:28:10

I think I get the picture. Here's the door.

0:28:100:28:12

'It's been a funny old week.

0:28:140:28:15

'And I actually really enjoyed it.'

0:28:150:28:18

To put the keys into somebody's hands and wish them well

0:28:180:28:20

in a new chapter in their life must be really exciting.

0:28:200:28:23

I'm guessing, because I didn't actually experience it,

0:28:230:28:26

because I was hopeless.

0:28:260:28:28

There's a lot more to the job than I expected.

0:28:280:28:30

I was pretty bad.

0:28:300:28:31

Whoops!

0:28:310:28:33

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