Builder Rhod Gilbert's Work Experience


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I'm comedian Rhod Gilbert and this is my work experience.

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This week, I'm a builder.

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I couldn't wait to be a builder.

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Turning up to work six weeks late and wearing your trousers so low,

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passers-by can see how many Coco Pops you had for breakfast,

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is my idea of a dream job.

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A major home-builder had lost their minds and agreed to let me

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join the skilled workforce

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on one of the largest residential developments in the UK.

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Should be a laugh. I am so bad at DIY.

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I can change a plug, I can change a light bulb

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and I can change a battery. But apart from that,

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the closest these hands have come to manual work

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is probably peeling a tangerine.

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I've seen that Cowboy Builders on TV a few times

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but knowing you don't make a load-bearing wall

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out of crushed digestives doesn't make you Bob the Builder.

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So I pebbledashed down to Pontypridd High School

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where building Buddha Steve Jones would start my training.

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When Steve started building, Elvis was still in the building.

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In fact, Steve was building buildings

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before Elvis had even got in the building he left.

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This is where we start. This is the beginning.

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By the end of today, you will be able to build a wall

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and you'll be confident in any of the skill areas

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-that we teach you today.

-I don't believe it.

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I can't even put a picture up, Steve. Honestly.

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In my house, I've got... Around the bottom of the walls,

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I've put the pictures leaning against the wall

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-where they're supposed to go up.

-You will be able to build a wall

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and you'll be able to put the pictures up in the house.

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I've never been this excited in my life. I know I don't look it.

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If I could build a wall by the end of today, I'd be over the moon.

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-You will...

-I'll be over the wall.

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'Steve was like a motivational speaker trapped in Hulk Hogan

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'but even he couldn't help himself winding up the new kid.'

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That was my first trowel when I started out.

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And as you can see, how much that has worn down over the years.

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That trowel was not the same size as that,

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-I don't care how long ago it was.

-Rhod, I swear to you...

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You want me to go out onto a building site and go,

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"Hey, have you seen how much a trowel wears down over the years?"

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And then all the builders laugh at me.

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If you're filing your nails down, that's going to go shorter

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-and shorter, so it's the exact same.

-My nails aren't made of metal.

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Yeah, but they're still going to go shorter.

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Don't believe it.

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'My hands are soft as a poodle's puffer jacket,

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'so I couldn't wait to gain my first-ever practical DIY skills.'

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This is genuinely one of the most exciting moments of my life.

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The thought that I might be able to do some DIY for the first time ever.

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Cos if I could build a wall and tile a bathroom

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and do some grouting, put some pictures up,

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I might actually feel like a real man.

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At least Steve has made sure...

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..that I look the part.

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Unbelievable.

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All dolled up like Barbie the builder,

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I headed out to Hulk Stevegan's real man shed for a building masterclass,

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where Steve immediately overloaded my brain with techno-waffle.

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This is a brick.

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I was going to say, I could tell it was a brick.

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I was ahead of you there.

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This is the face which is the most important part of the brick.

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That's the feature, that's what you look at.

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Most important part of the brick!

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On each side, that's the arris of the brick.

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-That's the arris.

-Yes.

-There's a lot more to this brick than...

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We haven't finished yet. Never hit the brick in the face

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because you're spending a lot of money on this brick.

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So if you're going to hit somebody in the face with a brick,

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-always use that side, is it?

-Yeah, make sure you hit that side.

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-Or the arris.

-Or the arris.

-That's nice and sharp.

-Yeah.

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I'd learned how to use a brick in close hand combat

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and was moving from thick as brick shit to brixpert.

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First of all we've got the mixer, we need to produce our mortar.

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That's the stuff in between the bricks?

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That's the stuff in between the bricks.

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It's important that we get the mix correct.

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It needs to be like whipped cream, a creamy, creamy mixture.

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-A creamy, creamy mixture.

-Creamy, creamy, whipping cream mixture.

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-That's the texture. Creamy, creamy, whipping cream mixture.

-Yeah.

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As we studied Hulk Stevegan's creamy mixture,

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I realised there was MORTAR being a real man than I'd thought.

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-Can I feel your creamy, creamy...?

-Yeah, get in, Rhod.

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Oh, God, that is creamy, Steve. It's heavier than it looks.

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-It's a nice feel on it, isn't it?

-Oh, beautiful.

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Where you've got to be careful with this,

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the more you play with it, the wetter it becomes, you know?

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-The more you play with it, the wetter it becomes?

-Yeah.

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We make sure that when it's in the mixer...

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'Hulk Stevegan was right.

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'I had to be careful not to play with his creamy mixture too much

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'cos we didn't want it running down the walls.'

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Definitely not in the top half of the group.

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'His over-creamy mixture was seeping out of my cracks

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'and Hulk Stevegan stepped in.

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'I'd greedily stuffed too much in my brick gaps, or perps,

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'as real men call them.'

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Your perps are a little bit wide,

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they're probably twice the thickness that they should be.

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I used to work with a guy and they used to call him Billy Perp

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cos his perps were always big and he could never...

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So perhaps you can take that crown off him today.

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-Rhod Perps.

-In a good way, mind.

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'My massive perps were perplexing.

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'But soon my perps hit a perple patch

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'and with my perps perping perfect just two hours later,

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'Hulk Stevegan was crying fat, creamy, creamy tears

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'at Wales's answer to the pyramids.'

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That's really good for a first attempt.

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-Is it?

-I'm proud. And you should be proud.

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-You're not going to cry, are you?

-Almost. I'm welling up!

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Already a master bricklayer, time to move on to tree flesh, AKA wood,

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and I was handed over to a real woman, carpenter Sian.

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You can fit everything I know about carpentry on a woodpecker's pecker,

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and Sian's triple X-rated commentary wasn't helping.

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That's it. Long strokes. Not too fast.

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You sound like a porn director.

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"Long strokes, take your time."

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-Thanks for that.

-"That's it, just there. That's it."

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Blow your dust away.

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-Yeah, they probably wouldn't say that, though.

-No.

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Sian had given me some basic safety tips.

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Long strokes, watch the line, not the saw,

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and if it goes numb, falls off,

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and gets eaten by a passing dog, stop sawing.

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But I was flying.

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Sian was my muse and wood was clearly my medium.

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Right, well, I'm going to leave you to put this one up,

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and let's see how far you can get on your own.

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I think this is my thing. I think I've found my calling.

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If that is flush against there, then that sits like that.

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Which is not good.

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Ah, shit.

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That is not flush there, is it?

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I'm sure that this isn't exactly how you're supposed to do it...

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but I go by results.

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Shit.

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I was determined not to let the window frame make me look a twat.

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But my maths are terrible and when Sian left the calculations to me,

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I knew she was either mad, stupid or all five.

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Writing on a table feels quite workman-y.

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I'll probably... They write on bits of wood, don't they?

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Take away 603, borrow one, pay back...

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114.5, 114.5 is 11...

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So is this 114.5?

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No. But then, I did saw some of it off.

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0.5. I don't know why I'm measuring this now.

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I've literally forgotten completely what I'm doing.

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You could be the best measurer in the world,

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but if your maths are off,

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it doesn't matter if you're John Le Mesurier,

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woodwork that should work won't work.

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I'm pretty happy with that.

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A few coats of paint, I reckon that'll be all right.

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The day had been fun so far, but for my final challenge,

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things took a serious turn as Hulk Stevegan

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delved into my personal life with an incredibly intrusive question.

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-Have we ever done any tiling?

-No.

-None at all?

-No.

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'Like a dog with a bomb, Steve just wouldn't let it lie.'

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Have you seen anybody tiling in the kitchens or bathrooms, showers?

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-Only from a distance.

-Oh, right.

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'Steve had cut my soul clean open

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'and then he just started applying tile adhesive

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'like nothing had happened.'

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So, if you want to make up a bit of a pattern

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out of the red and black, whether you put two reds, two blacks,

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-one red, one black, three blacks, two reds.

-I'm thinking...

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What colour would you want to go for now?

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-Black, please, Rachel.

-Black.

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-What colour would you like?

-Black, please.

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I can see what you're thinking.

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You're thinking of this pattern, aren't you?

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-What about on the next row, Rhod?

-Black, please.

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-On the left or the right?

-Oh, God. Erm...

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-Left.

-Left.

-No, right!

-What about above the red?

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-Black, please.

-Black. What about above the black?

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-Black, please.

-You're going for black again?

-Yeah, please.

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What colour would you like now, Rhod, above the black?

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-Black, please.

-Black.

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-Can you carry on from here now, Rhod?

-Yeah.

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-And then I'll come back and assess it.

-OK.

-Is that OK?

-Yeah.

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'I was still raw from having my soul exposed

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'but the tiling was taking my mind off it

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'and I was as close to happy as someone tiling can be.'

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God, this is a piece of piss.

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I've been too harsh on myself all these years.

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How exciting is this? I can do DIY.

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Look at the speed I'm working.

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Wouldn't get a workman working this fast, I'll tell you that.

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'My hands have seen less work than Boris Johnson's hairnet,

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'but Steve dashed back with feedback on my splashback

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'and my splashback wasn't slapdash so he gave my back a slap.'

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We did discuss a pattern.

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-I'd give you a choice of red or black.

-Yeah.

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But you didn't give me the choice on the first tile.

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You just stuck a red one up. I wanted an all-black wall.

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That red was a really bad choice.

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-But don't you think it looks nice?

-It does look nice, yeah.

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-It looks really nice.

-It's a talking point.

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'It was time to down tools at the building school

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'but before I left, Hulk Stevegan wanted to see

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'if any of his real man stuff had rubbed off on me.'

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How's your confidence levels now, Rhod,

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-after your training session here?

-Sky-high, mate.

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I never ever, ever, ever thought

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that I would ever do any piece of DIY.

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You're a different person now to what you was when you came in here.

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You'll walk out of here proud now today.

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I have every faith in you, Rhod. Good luck on your journey.

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'The building Buddha was right. I was halfway to being a real man.

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'All I needed now was some really manly real man tools.'

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You've done the construction department here proud today.

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Look at that.

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I don't want to seem ungrateful,

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but I think far from being the envy of the building trade,

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if they see a new brickie with his name on his own trowel,

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they're going to kick the shit out of me!

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They'll be dangling me off the top floor!

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You haven't got a nice My Little Pony sandwich box

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or something that would really set it off?

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I was only 48, but it was time I left school

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and got some work experience.

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The scent of 1,000 exposed bum cracks

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led me to the massive Newport site.

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I looked like a tool and felt like a spanner as I met my new boss,

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John Harris.

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-John.

-Good morning.

-Hiya.

-How are you doing?

-Thank you.

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Erm, erm...

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Yeah, please tell me you've got something else I can wear.

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You'll need to take that off, I think.

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John gave me a guided tour of all the different trades on his site

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and introduced me to some really real men,

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bricklayers Darren and Kieran.

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Between them, they knew more about building walls than Donald Trump.

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This is a single garage.

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We normally get this built in about two days.

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Basically, take it up 21, that'll be the first lift,

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21 courses of brick. They put the scaffold up.

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And then we go up then, eight courses then.

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And they put a wall plate on and then the roof goes on it.

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I'll level with you, Darren, I've got absolutely no idea

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what you're talking about, mate. None of it.

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-Bricks, I know that one.

-Yeah.

-Bricks, roof.

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How many bricks do you reckon you could lay in an hour?

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I don't really work by the hour, to be honest with you.

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I've only laid about ten bricks in my entire life.

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The average brickie is laying 700-800.

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Some lay up to 1,000 a day.

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So, I'm going to have to work about an 80-hour day, is that right?

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-Yeah, probably, yeah.

-To get it done!

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Oh, creamy, creamy mortar.

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I'd have to lay faster than a battery hen

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and my perps would have to be perp-fect.

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And real men got paid by the brick, so if I slowed them up,

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they'd literally have no roof over their heads.

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-You get paid by the brick, then?

-Yeah, per brick.

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I knew that brickies kind of had to work hard,

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get the bricks up, but I thought that was just to hit deadlines.

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I didn't realise you actually got paid per brick.

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-How much per brick?

-40p per brick.

-40p a brick?

-Yeah.

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-And some guys can lay, well, 800 or 1,000 even.

-Yeah.

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-So 1,000 bricks at 40p...

-Some of them can, yeah.

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-..that's 400 quid a day.

-Yeah.

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-Or £1.40 for me.

-Yeah. Be all right!

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My fledgling confidence was wavering.

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I'd only built one wall and it hadn't even reached my knees.

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And John was keen to stress that my neck

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and a lot of other necks were on the line.

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Every trade here is on a price.

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So if I hold them up...

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It costs them money.

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God. It's only money, though, isn't it?

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It's only money, yeah. It's only money.

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That's what I'm going to say to them.

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But it's programming as well, so...

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So it's only money and programming.

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-Customers.

-And customers.

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It's only money and programming and customers

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and that they have food on the table and their kids have shoes

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and they can pay their mortgages.

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Whether they have to declare themselves bankrupt.

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It's only all that stuff. Come on, lads!

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-Come on.

-Have a laugh about it!

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Darren's kids, they're not big eaters anyway, are they?

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No, no, no. I don't think so.

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I was as ready to do hard, physical work

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as a mole snoozing against a ripened peach

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and John was worried I'd jeopardise the entire housing estate.

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Seeing how I fitted into the bigger picture

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might give me a wake-up call.

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So, how long would it be to finish one of these from scratch, John?

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Roughly around 20, 24 weeks.

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Obviously, we're building 30, 40, 50 at a time.

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Yeah, I'll do one and we'll see how we go.

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-We'll see how we go with that!

-See how we get on, yeah.

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There's just so much for me to botch.

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'I was joking around nervously,

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'but if I held up his house-building factory line,

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'John'd come down on me like a tonne of bricks and something told me

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'his mixture wouldn't be anywhere near as creamy as Steve's.'

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How quickly will you know whether I'm cut out for this?

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-I'll know pretty quick.

-You'll know pretty quick?

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-An hour or so.

-An hour or so?

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I'll know whether you can lay a brick or cut some timber.

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-So, if I'm still here after an hour...

-Yes.

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-..tomorrow.

-You've done well.

-I'll be doing all right?

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-Yeah, you'll be doing well.

-Do you kick people off pretty quickly

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-if they're not up to scratch?

-Yes, we do, yeah.

-Pressure's on.

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I think the big worry is for tomorrow that I fall behind.

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The pace these guys work at is pretty impressive.

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It's been explained pretty clearly to me today

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that there's a domino effect. Boom, boom, boom.

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A knock-on effect on everyone else if I hold things up

0:14:270:14:30

and I do not want to be that first domino.

0:14:300:14:33

It was time to do real jobs with real men with real families

0:14:380:14:41

and real kids who wanted real food and real Christmas presents.

0:14:410:14:44

Shit was getting really real.

0:14:440:14:45

First up, brickying with Darren and Kieran,

0:14:450:14:47

where John wanted to see a garage by the end of the day.

0:14:470:14:50

I just hoped my mortar would be as creamy as it ought to,

0:14:500:14:53

cos I was determined not to let John boot me off site.

0:14:530:14:55

Basically we've got a garage ready now for you to run in.

0:14:550:14:58

Grab a trowel and we'll give you a quick show how to do it.

0:14:580:15:00

-I've got my own trowel.

-You've got your own trowel,

0:15:000:15:02

-you want to use your own, do you?

-Looks like a shovel.

0:15:020:15:04

Personalised trowel. I like that, that's very nice.

0:15:040:15:07

I thought...

0:15:070:15:08

-this might get the shit kicked out of me on site, I thought.

-Maybe.

0:15:080:15:12

In the business, Darren was known as the Chosen One, Golden Bricks,

0:15:120:15:15

El Bricko, and he wouldn't let me near his sacred bricks

0:15:150:15:18

without a quick induction.

0:15:180:15:20

Tap him in so he's flush with the line.

0:15:200:15:22

Tap him in, you said.

0:15:220:15:23

-Bricks are him, are they?

-You can have female or male ones.

0:15:230:15:27

All depends how many holes.

0:15:270:15:28

THEY LAUGH

0:15:280:15:30

So, we'll leave you in peace now over here to crack on and have a go.

0:15:300:15:33

I was going as fast as I could but me keeping up with El Bricko

0:15:330:15:36

was about as likely as Nigel Farage winning the Eurovision Song Contest.

0:15:360:15:40

I think I'm doing all right. I'm...

0:15:420:15:44

incredibly slow but I think the quality is all right.

0:15:440:15:49

Is this really slow?

0:15:490:15:51

-Yeah, quite slow.

-Quite slow.

-Yeah. But it's nothing that...

0:15:510:15:55

Like, an apprentice would be exactly the same, like.

0:15:550:15:57

-I'm only as shit as an apprentice?

-Oh, you're not that good yet.

0:15:570:16:00

But you've got to pick the pace up now and go for it, all right?

0:16:000:16:02

Pace, pace, pace.

0:16:020:16:04

We're on a price, boys.

0:16:040:16:06

'I started laying faster than Hugh Hefner on heat,

0:16:060:16:09

'throwing down bricks like prisoners on a roof.

0:16:090:16:11

'If I'd been a singer, I'd have been Brick Astley.

0:16:110:16:13

'If I'd been an actor, I'd have been Brick-ole Kidman.'

0:16:130:16:16

Oh, he's racing now, boys. He is racing now.

0:16:160:16:19

Rhod, you only get paid for tidy bricks!

0:16:190:16:22

I can't talk now, Darren, I'm on a price, mate.

0:16:220:16:24

You get on with your own job there, Darren.

0:16:240:16:26

'We were against the clock and the clock was getting its ass kicked.

0:16:280:16:31

'But my back has done less work than Katie Hopkins's conscience.'

0:16:310:16:34

My back is absolutely killing me.

0:16:340:16:37

-Right, there is a secret for your back.

-Yeah?

0:16:370:16:39

Yeah, just man up and get on with it.

0:16:390:16:41

If your back's not hurting, you're not working hard enough.

0:16:410:16:43

My back's hurting.

0:16:430:16:45

-Kieran, is your back hurting?

-Yeah.

-Everyone's in pain.

0:16:450:16:48

'I'd smashed through John's one-hour probationary period

0:16:480:16:51

'and he hadn't kicked me off site.

0:16:510:16:52

'I was having really creamy, creamy man banter with El Bricko

0:16:520:16:55

'and actually starting to look the part.'

0:16:550:16:58

I think my arse is just starting to show as well,

0:16:580:17:00

it's just starting to...

0:17:000:17:01

Trousers just started to come down at the back.

0:17:010:17:03

And my pants.

0:17:030:17:05

Perps in the wall and perp on show.

0:17:050:17:07

My bum perp is just starting to appear. Didn't think I'd get...

0:17:070:17:10

Just don't get cement in that perp, it hurts.

0:17:100:17:11

Do they teach you the arse thing in college and stuff,

0:17:110:17:14

get an NVQ or something in it, do you?

0:17:140:17:16

Yeah, NVQ in where to park a bike.

0:17:160:17:18

'I'd managed not to fall behind

0:17:190:17:21

'but in my effort to keep up with El Bricko,

0:17:210:17:23

'the quality of my work might have fallen a smidge.'

0:17:230:17:25

I was trying to do it, like, at pace,

0:17:330:17:35

I was trying to pick up the pace a bit...

0:17:350:17:36

We could use it, take it over there

0:17:360:17:38

-and put a climbing wall up for the children.

-Yeah.

0:17:380:17:41

I put my builder's arse into it.

0:17:410:17:42

Yeah, it looks like you built it with your builder's arse.

0:17:420:17:45

'Some say you can see the Great Wall of China from space,

0:17:460:17:50

'but you can see space through mine, and apparently that was a problem.'

0:17:500:17:53

But I thought possibly a design innovation.

0:17:530:17:56

A little letterbox or a cat flap or something like that.

0:17:560:17:59

Marks out of ten?

0:17:590:18:01

-Minus 38.

-Minus 38.

-Minus 38, yeah.

0:18:010:18:04

-So it could've been worse.

-It could've been much worse.

0:18:040:18:06

-It could've been minus 40, minus 50, easy.

-Yeah.

0:18:060:18:09

I wanted to be kind.

0:18:090:18:10

'Build it and they will come, the saying goes.

0:18:100:18:13

'They being bloody John in my case.'

0:18:130:18:15

I think we're going to have to just take it down and

0:18:160:18:19

-clean it all up.

-Yeah.

0:18:190:18:21

It wasn't good.

0:18:220:18:23

-It looks all right.

-We'd never accept that.

0:18:240:18:26

We've counted it all up and you laid about 80 bricks,

0:18:260:18:29

so you would have earned about £32,

0:18:290:18:32

but, unfortunately, it's going to cost you a bit more than that now

0:18:320:18:34

because we've got to take it all down.

0:18:340:18:36

But as you take it down, I need you to clean it all up as well,

0:18:360:18:39

-put it into the skip.

-Bastard.

0:18:390:18:42

LAUGHTER

0:18:420:18:43

Well, it's not right, is it?

0:18:430:18:46

'Hadrian's Wall had marked the limits of the Roman Empire.

0:18:460:18:48

'Mine marked the limits of my building skills.

0:18:480:18:51

'And the real world was a lot less forgiving

0:18:510:18:53

'than Hulk Stevegan's loved-up classroom.'

0:18:530:18:55

It's just disappointing to try a job

0:18:560:18:59

that you think you'll be completely useless at

0:18:590:19:02

and, erm...find out you're right.

0:19:020:19:05

'My wall and my confidence had both collapsed

0:19:050:19:07

'but I'd cost El Bricko money and held everyone up,

0:19:070:19:10

'so sympathy was in short supply.'

0:19:100:19:12

Come on, we want to build it back up, hurry up.

0:19:120:19:14

-Run.

-I can't run, it's health and safety.

0:19:140:19:16

We'll make an exception.

0:19:160:19:18

'After my wonder wall,

0:19:190:19:20

'back beat the word was on the street

0:19:200:19:21

'that the fire in John's heart was out.

0:19:210:19:24

'But maybe John was going to be the one that saved me,

0:19:240:19:26

'because he gave me another chance.'

0:19:260:19:28

Well, I'm determined that I'm going

0:19:280:19:29

to find something I'm good at because at the moment it's...

0:19:290:19:33

no irony, we're in a place where the streets have no names

0:19:330:19:36

and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

0:19:360:19:39

'John hoped water would be more my thing than mortar,

0:19:390:19:41

'but you could fit everything I know about plumbing

0:19:410:19:43

'on Christopher Plummer's plums.'

0:19:430:19:45

What's the worst that can happen, then, John,

0:19:470:19:48

if I don't get this right?

0:19:480:19:49

Well, the worst thing that could happen

0:19:490:19:51

is you're going to get a leak.

0:19:510:19:52

All the boarding, all the woodwork, a leak would ruin it all.

0:19:520:19:56

Leaks are very bad at this stage.

0:19:560:19:58

OK. I'll bear that in mind.

0:19:580:20:00

'I've seen muscly plumbers with big tool boxes in the movies,

0:20:010:20:04

'but a lot of them weren't even Corgi-registered

0:20:040:20:06

'and hadn't taught me much about fitting radiators,

0:20:060:20:08

'so I was pretty nervous about plumbing one in.'

0:20:080:20:11

I can confidently say I've never used a drill in my life.

0:20:110:20:14

I haven't botched it up that bad yet.

0:20:170:20:20

I feel like I'm doing all right.

0:20:200:20:22

'My plumbing was plumb and not a drop of water spilt.

0:20:220:20:25

'I'd popped my drill cherry and hung the nuts out of my first radiator.'

0:20:250:20:30

-Ho-ho, look at that!

-That's pretty good, that's pretty good.

0:20:300:20:33

-Pretty good?

-It's pretty good.

0:20:330:20:34

That is the first thing I've done right since I've been here.

0:20:340:20:37

Well done.

0:20:370:20:38

'If I'd been an explorer I'd have been Christopher Plumbus,

0:20:380:20:41

'et cetera, et cetera.

0:20:410:20:43

'Aaron looked like he was going to celebrate long into the night

0:20:430:20:45

'and I couldn't wait to see the look on John's bastard face.'

0:20:450:20:48

I just fitted a radiator, mate.

0:20:480:20:50

-Any good?

-Aaron said it was good.

0:20:500:20:52

Perfection, it was. Come and have a look.

0:20:520:20:54

Out of ten, I'd give you a ten, nine and a half.

0:20:550:20:57

Quality's very good.

0:20:570:20:59

'9.5!

0:20:590:21:00

' Minus 38 on the bricks and mortar to a near perfect ten on the water.

0:21:000:21:04

'I'd finally got my real man wings and I was here to stay.'

0:21:040:21:07

-What you do now is plumb it in, yeah?

-Yeah.

0:21:070:21:10

Oh, shit!

0:21:130:21:14

Get the bucket. Behind you.

0:21:140:21:16

It was all going so bloody well!

0:21:180:21:21

And now we've bloody flooded the place.

0:21:210:21:24

Why is there water coming through the ceiling down below?

0:21:240:21:27

When I cut that pipe, it didn't even occur to me

0:21:270:21:28

that it was full of water.

0:21:280:21:30

I'm really gutted about that, I was doing so well, mate.

0:21:300:21:32

I was flying. I got too overconfident.

0:21:320:21:35

'Pissing piss pipes.

0:21:350:21:37

'My arcing plumb spread soiled the room

0:21:370:21:39

'and once again John made me repair the damage.

0:21:390:21:41

'I was no more a plumber than Noel Edmonds on a banana boat

0:21:410:21:44

'is an effective coastal defence strategy.

0:21:440:21:46

'But at least word hadn't got round.'

0:21:460:21:48

-Fucking water goes everywhere...

-LAUGHTER

0:21:480:21:50

CHEERING

0:21:500:21:52

Cup of tea, please.

0:21:560:21:58

Heard all about your work.

0:21:580:21:59

-How bad you did.

-RHOD LAUGHS

0:22:010:22:03

Not you as well.

0:22:030:22:04

Have you heard anything positive about my workmanship?

0:22:040:22:06

-Not really.

-What, you haven't heard a single positive word about it?

0:22:060:22:10

They said that you really are a trier.

0:22:100:22:13

"You really are a trier."

0:22:130:22:14

I'm having a bit of a mare at the moment.

0:22:180:22:19

I thought builders... I thought the standards are going to be sloppy,

0:22:190:22:24

I thought I'd be all right, I'll find a skill,

0:22:240:22:26

I'll do it pretty badly and that'll be fine, that's what builders do,

0:22:260:22:29

isn't it? But on a site like this, everything's done to a standard,

0:22:290:22:32

everything's got to come up to a certain quality.

0:22:320:22:35

It's getting on my nerves, frankly.

0:22:350:22:36

I'm failing at every... every hurdle.

0:22:360:22:39

'Against his better judgment,

0:22:400:22:41

'John agreed to give me one last chance to get my real man wings

0:22:410:22:44

'but it was out of the frying pan and into the deep fat fryer.

0:22:440:22:47

'That's right, I was going to be a chippy.'

0:22:470:22:49

You'll be doing a little bit of cutting,

0:22:490:22:51

a bit of measuring and a bit of fixing. It's quite straightforward.

0:22:510:22:54

I've done a bit of cutting, bit of fixing.

0:22:540:22:55

Straight away it needed fixing.

0:22:550:22:57

You can use a tape measure and eight saw.

0:22:570:22:59

The only thing I felt very confident with,

0:22:590:23:00

ever, really, is a tape measure.

0:23:000:23:02

If you're looking for a full-time measurer, John...

0:23:020:23:04

I don't think we'll have anything for full-time measurers.

0:23:040:23:06

Do you get paid by the millimetre with measuring?

0:23:060:23:08

Not on measuring, no.

0:23:080:23:11

'I'd be working on a timber-framed garage roof with carpenter Ben,

0:23:110:23:14

'who'd cut more wood than Pinocchio's hairdresser.'

0:23:140:23:17

It says, "Danger, do not climb," Ben.

0:23:200:23:21

-That's only when it's attached to the ladder.

-Oh.

0:23:210:23:24

It's all right now, is it?

0:23:240:23:25

I did keep three points of contact on the ladder at all times.

0:23:260:23:28

Three points of contact?

0:23:280:23:30

Well, what was that - telephone, e-mail and a letter?

0:23:300:23:32

Yeah, that's it!

0:23:320:23:33

'By now I was so desperate to get my real man badge,

0:23:330:23:36

'I was prepared to saw through my own genitals to get it.'

0:23:360:23:38

You need to find somewhere comfortable, really.

0:23:390:23:42

Do I straddle it and then do that?

0:23:420:23:45

No, no, that's a bit dodgy, that is.

0:23:450:23:48

'Ben's tedious insistence on health and safety

0:23:480:23:51

'was rooted in painful experience.'

0:23:510:23:53

I know there was a lad who had trousers on in the summer

0:23:530:23:57

who tried cutting his trouser leg off

0:23:570:23:59

while he had his trousers on with a Stanley knife...

0:23:590:24:01

HE LAUGHS

0:24:010:24:02

-And....

-No!

-And he cut his leg!

0:24:020:24:05

-What's the end of the story?

-Well, the moral of the story,

0:24:050:24:08

the moral of the story is take the bloody things off.

0:24:080:24:10

Buy a pair of shorts.

0:24:100:24:12

'I wasn't sure what Ben had been eating,

0:24:120:24:14

'but his wood was harder than anything I'd come up against.'

0:24:140:24:17

We're getting there.

0:24:170:24:19

Only three more to do after this.

0:24:210:24:23

Do you get paid by the...

0:24:230:24:24

-I am on a price.

-You are on a price?

0:24:240:24:26

-Yeah.

-So you get paid by what?

0:24:260:24:30

Well, by BAC normally.

0:24:300:24:31

-By bank transfer!

-Yeah!

0:24:330:24:34

'I'd come, I'd sawed, but I certainly wasn't conquering.

0:24:340:24:37

'Five minutes in, and somehow we were hours behind.'

0:24:370:24:40

They've nearly finished theirs over there

0:24:400:24:42

and they started at the same time.

0:24:420:24:44

-Did they start at the same time as us?

-Yeah.

0:24:440:24:46

Am I losing you money going this slow, Ben?

0:24:460:24:47

-Probably, yes.

-Yeah?

0:24:470:24:49

-Have you got kids?

-I've got four.

0:24:490:24:51

Four kids? One or two of them might have to go without this month.

0:24:510:24:55

Or you can take one or two with you.

0:24:550:24:59

'After mortar-gate and water-gate, if I cost him any more money,

0:24:590:25:02

'this could be Ben's son and daughter-gate.

0:25:020:25:04

'It was official - the less I did, the more we got done.'

0:25:040:25:07

Ben's just cracking on now and I'm just...

0:25:070:25:10

his lovely assistant. I'm basically a glorified vice.

0:25:100:25:15

-So all I'm doing now is holding stuff.

-Right, if you hold this.

0:25:150:25:18

THEY LAUGH

0:25:180:25:20

Brilliant!

0:25:200:25:21

Bit of double holding.

0:25:220:25:24

'I'd discovered a hidden talent.

0:25:240:25:25

'As my confidence in holding grew,

0:25:250:25:27

'I started to improvise and soon developed

0:25:270:25:29

'my own unique range of holding techniques.'

0:25:290:25:34

Good holding there, Rhod.

0:25:340:25:35

One of the best holders I've ever seen.

0:25:350:25:38

I can't hear you, my ear defenders.

0:25:380:25:41

I'm basically just fielding abuse now, that's why I'm here.

0:25:410:25:44

'Holding was my calling.

0:25:440:25:45

'It had been calling me for ages but ironically I'd had it on hold.

0:25:450:25:49

'I'd finally released my inner workman

0:25:490:25:50

'and even started making excuses like a real builder.'

0:25:500:25:54

This garage is about two foot longer than the others.

0:25:540:25:56

-Well, there we are, then.

-That's why we're so far behind.

0:25:560:25:59

-It's nothing to do with me.

-No!

0:25:590:26:02

Why is this garage so long, then, Ben?

0:26:020:26:04

Perhaps they own a limo, I don't know.

0:26:040:26:06

A bus driver or...?

0:26:060:26:08

'John dropped by expecting to find another botch job

0:26:100:26:13

'but instead he was blown away

0:26:130:26:15

'by the all-new Black & Decker Work-Rhod.'

0:26:150:26:18

Ben said I was one of the best holders he's ever seen.

0:26:180:26:20

-Is that right, Ben?

-Yeah.

0:26:200:26:21

I've never seen a holder quite like it before.

0:26:210:26:23

I'd done a little bit of cutting, a little bit of marking,

0:26:230:26:26

a little bit of measuring but mainly holding.

0:26:260:26:28

You've held them up well, Rhod. Very good.

0:26:280:26:30

There's been a few glimmers of light.

0:26:350:26:37

My builder's bum was coming on quite well for a while

0:26:370:26:41

but ultimately it's all been pretty bad.

0:26:410:26:43

There's only one thing, really,

0:26:430:26:44

that I've actually been good at throughout consistently...

0:26:440:26:49

..and that is holding.

0:26:500:26:52

# So I'm holding on

0:26:520:26:55

# I'll keep holding on... #

0:26:550:26:57

'It was humbling to think one day these houses would all be finished

0:26:570:27:01

'and someone sitting in their new home

0:27:010:27:03

'could be sitting near something I'd held for someone.'

0:27:030:27:05

# Holding on

0:27:050:27:07

# I'll keep holding on to you... #

0:27:070:27:12

-Will you shake it now, Rhod?

-I'm a holder, not a shaker.

-Fair enough.

0:27:140:27:18

Just summing up your week, erm...

0:27:230:27:26

I think I'm going to prepare myself

0:27:260:27:29

by putting on my protective goggles ready for your assessment.

0:27:290:27:33

You've cost us a lot this week.

0:27:330:27:34

Programming, time...

0:27:340:27:38

-Customers.

-Customers.

-Food on the table.

-Food on the table.

0:27:380:27:41

There would have been no food on the table.

0:27:410:27:43

-There's none of that.

-There'd be no table, John.

0:27:430:27:45

You were good at holding,

0:27:480:27:51

-I will give that to you.

-Can I have a sweet?

0:27:510:27:54

No.

0:27:550:27:56

-Can I hold one for a bit?

-Yes.

0:27:590:28:02

You can put it back now.

0:28:110:28:12

Sorry.

0:28:140:28:15

'I came, I saw and I buggered it all up and I'm a bit gutted.'

0:28:150:28:20

But I've had a great time,

0:28:200:28:21

they were a great bunch of people, a great community, great camaraderie.

0:28:210:28:25

And I've had really good fun.

0:28:250:28:27

I just would have liked to have been slightly more essential

0:28:270:28:31

on that site.

0:28:310:28:33

Hey-ho.

0:28:330:28:34

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