Episode 7 Room 101


Episode 7

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello! I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,

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the show where three guests compete to have their biggest bugbears

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banished forever to the dreaded vaults.

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They'll have to argue their case well, because in each round

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only one item can be chosen.

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The final decision is mine. Let's meet this week's guests.

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Joining me tonight are acting dynasty Laurence Fox,

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acting suspiciously Rob Delaney,

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and acting like she's actually concerned

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when someone breaks their leg on The Jump, Davina McCall.

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APPLAUSE

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Right then, let's get ready to grumble.

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It is the first round,

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and I want to find out what is winding up Davina McCall.

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Women who tell other women about their terrible births.

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-I'm already annoyed.

-Yeah?

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Because, honestly, when I was pregnant,

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and especially with my first child,

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and I didn't know about this condition that happens,

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that other woman have the need to tell you -

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but when I was obviously pregnant,

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and it wouldn't necessarily even just be friends of mine,

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it could be complete strangers in a supermarket, out on the streets.

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They'd come up and go, "Oh, you're pregnant.

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"Can I... Lovely, oh! It's so sweet. When are you due?"

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"About four weeks." "Amazing. I had a TERRIBLE birth.

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"It was terrible!

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-"I split from here to here!"

-LAUGHTER

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"And my waters broke in Sainsbury's,

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"and everybody saw and then they had forceps and..."

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-Oh, man.

-I just think, "Look, I've had my babies,

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"the shop shut, I'm not going to have any more.

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"I'm over. Tell me, tell me now.

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"I'm ready, don't tell the pregnant ladies.

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"I'll listen. You know, I've got a good ear for that."

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I think it's like getting drunk, though,

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you can't remember how bad the hangover was.

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My partner said to me, "No matter how much pain I'm in,

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"and how much I beg for it, do not let me have an epidural,

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-"under any circumstances.'

-And what did you do?

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She said, "If I'm screaming at you, 'I want an epidural,'

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"I need you to say no, because I don't want..."

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And I said, "OK." She said, "You promise me? I said, "I promise."

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So we got there, she was in labour, in quite a bit of pain,

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and she said to me, "I want an epidural now!"

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And the thought of saying...

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LAUGHTER

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"If you think back...

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"I think we agreed."

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The thought of that never crossed my mind for one second.

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I mean, I've got to say, you know, even though it is painful,

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it is an incredible experience,

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and I actually feel quite sorry for men,

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that they don't get to experience this amazing thing

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of giving birth to a human life. It's incredible.

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You're all right. LAUGHTER

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Plus, you can't tell a pregnant woman, like, you know,

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what you're putting on top of a pizza as you're preparing it

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without them murdering you.

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-Yes.

-They're insane.

-Yes!

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-Exactly.

-So why tell a pregnant woman anything bad at all?

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Yeah, exactly.

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Everything's bad and emotional and difficult and scary and...

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-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Well, I had that...

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Not everyone is blessed with this,

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but I have actually had that, sort of,

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3am drive to the hospital, which is very exciting.

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The waters had already gone.

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I was a bit edgy about the upholstery.

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LAUGHTER

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We had a towel. And she was, er...

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honestly, in the passenger seat going...

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HE STRAINS

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And so I'm driving like this. It's like a movie.

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And she's going to me, "You should've gone left!

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"You should've gone left, you idiot!"

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I thought, "This is like the worst sat nav..."

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LAUGHTER "..of all time!"

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I was sent back to go, we went down to get the baby checked out,

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he was the wrong way around, and they were like,

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"We've got to get the baby out by emergency Caesarean now.

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"Go, and we'll do it in 20 minutes."

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And I was like, "But we don't have any of the stuff."

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And I went home with my eldest son, got home,

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and said, "You wait in the car. I'll go inside and get stuff."

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And he didn't wait in the car.

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He went out into the garden, picked up a brick, threw it in the air...

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-Oh, my God.

-..and it landed on his head.

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LAUGHTER

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So I run outside and say, "Let's get back in the car.

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"What happened to your face?"

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And he's just covered in blood.

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The second child was given birth to in one building,

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and I was getting the other one stitched up in A&E!

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LAUGHTER

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But respect to him for getting attention on...

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-LAUGHTER

-Yes!

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Of course, one can make light of the whole pregnancy thing.

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This couple have sort of tried a basketball theme.

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Look!

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Oh, no!

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No. No?

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-No.

-I like it better than the couple who did the baseball themed one.

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Oh!

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-No!

-I don't think they're together.

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That's from my country.

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That's where I'm from!

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LAUGHTER

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Anyway. What's winding up Rob Delaney?

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-Why?

-Because it's not real.

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I mean...

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It's a thing, I know it exists, but it...

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The world is such a filthy, suppurating toilet,

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that there is nothing you can do,

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and you don't need to be marketed some crazy thing

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that they invented 20 minutes ago when soap and water does a fine job.

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So, basically,

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the fact that they're trying to make us buy it and carry it around -

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you can put it on your belt loop now -

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just enrages me.

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Really. I have three little kids - a five-year-old, three-year-old,

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and a one-year-old - so I live in filth.

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LAUGHTER

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I don't get any sicker than the next guy.

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My wife is a teacher, so she's around other scummy children.

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-LAUGHTER

-And it's just...

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It's just silly.

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Yes, germs exist, but -

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I was talking to a doctor friend of mine recently.

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Usually, when we get sick

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it's cos of just stuff that's inside our own bodies

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that decides to present itself.

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What, are you going to drink the hand sanitiser?

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So I say no.

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I'm not saying no to hygiene.

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I'm saying no to the unnecessary, very recent invention

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of like, "Soap II". Or whatever.

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It's so silly.

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APPLAUSE

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Apparently your average hand sanitiser is like 65% alcohol,

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which is three times more than vodka.

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Now, I'm a recovering alcoholic,

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it would be safer for me to have human excrement on my hands.

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LAUGHTER

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And that is certainly the path I've chosen.

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But, also, you know, you get...

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..more healthy the more dirty you let kids be.

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They all say nowadays that the reason kids get sick all the time

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is because we're all so clean. We're too clean.

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I mean, the first time we get on the tube with my kids,

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you know, I make them lick a pole.

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LAUGHTER

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So that we don't have to go and get jabs.

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What about in hospital?

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What about when you have to go into a hospital ward

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and they have the hand sanitiser outside the hospital?

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That's fine. When the NHS says, use this, OK, then it's a good idea,

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but when it's your friend Rick

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being like, "Eurgh, I touched a doorknob",

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-shut up!

-LAUGHTER

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When I got to about 17

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I had my first suit and I found that when I wore a suit and tie

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people responded very differently to me.

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I find the same thing when I wear rubber gloves.

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I find people are...

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..uneasy about people in rubber gloves in public places.

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And I don't think that's really an option.

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One thing I tried - do you remember these thimbles?

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You used to see them in post offices for money counting.

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So these are very...

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If you wear one of these, very good for, like, pelican crossing buttons.

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Doorbells.

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And, also, I get asked to start

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a lot of elaborate domino effect demonstrations.

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LAUGHTER

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And you never know who's been pushing those dominoes.

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So I'd recommend these.

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I'm a Catholic, so this is it for me.

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But...

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They are ribbed for extra stimulation.

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I have a special method for urinals,

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because I am quite sensitive about cleanliness.

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I used to live with a laboratory scientist,

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and this is what they recommended.

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And I have to say, it does work.

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It's cumbersome, but it gives you real confidence.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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You've got to warm the gloves up a bit.

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But I find myself standing at the urinal like this, you know.

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It's a good thing.

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800 quid, that cost.

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LAUGHTER

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OK. So, what's winding up Laurence?

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Cats!

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Yeah. And I really don't mind offending

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half of the population of this country. I hate cats.

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My first memory in life is my grandmother saying to me,

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"Don't go near the cat."

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My second memory in life is the blood gushing out of my mouth.

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I don't like them. I think they all look at us like they rule the world.

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I'm scared of them.

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I hate them.

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The last time I saw a cat - I have a scar,

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and it was eight months ago, the last cat I stroked.

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I hate them. Hate them!

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I like dogs. Dogs listen.

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Dogs are your friend. Dogs look at you and go,

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"Hey, man, I missed you when you were at work."

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Cats wouldn't do that. Horrible things.

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Can I say that cats rarely tear human beings to pieces,

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which is one of the dogs' minus points.

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-I would say.

-What, a dog...?

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A dog will attack a human.

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No, dogs just get bad press.

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That is, you know, if cats were bigger, they'd kill.

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Would you go and have a lie down with a tiger?

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I think tigers have proved that. LAUGHTER

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What do they do that's good?

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Dogs can walk people around when you're blind,

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dogs can, you know, my dogs, I use as burglar alarms.

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Because they're cheaper.

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-What do cats do?

-You're right, though,

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a guide cat for the blind would be a real...

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There'd be some bloke being dragged across gardens and over fences.

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Firemen having to get a blind person out of a tree.

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This is a cat that...

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..obviously had some sort of ill fortune previously.

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LAUGHTER

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I think there'll be goldfish watching this show thinking,

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"But cats always look like that."

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Do you know the thing that cats are scared of cucumbers?

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Are they? Goes home, buys cucumber.

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Yeah, they are.

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That is an internet theory, that they are scared of cucumbers.

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In what way? How?

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I'll give you an example. This is the Are Cats Scared Of Cucumbers?

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This is the evidence.

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-Case closed.

-Oh, my God!

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So we come to the end of that round,

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I certainly am not keen on people

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telling their terrible birth stories,

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but I do think that that is an urge.

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I mean, this is why we watch One Born Every Minute.

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-It's one that must be suppressed.

-Yes.

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Hand sanitiser I have used.

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I would be a hypocrite, I think, to put it in.

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I haven't quite got over the idea that you can wash your hands

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without a tap.

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It just seems like magic to me.

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Cats, however, are horrible.

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-I'm putting them into Room 101.

-Yeah!

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Well done. Well done.

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Onto the next round and it's Davina's turn to have a whinge.

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People who order starters. Thank you.

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Yes!

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There's some grumbling going on,

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I knew it could possibly be controversial.

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-But...

-You can spot the people who definitely do.

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My thing is...

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..that, firstly, if you go out for dinner,

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portions are so massive

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you don't really need a starter and a main course,

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and if somebody is eating with me, I will not order a starter.

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I will just have a main course, and then they go,

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"Are you having a starter?"

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And I go - this is actually my husband,

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and I go, "No, I'm not going to have a starter.

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"So you're not going to have a starter, are you?"

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And he'll go, "I'm just going to have...

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"I think I am, actually. I'm going to have this little starter here.

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"This one." And I go, "Please don't have a starter, because literally,

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"I'm going to eat your arm in a minute if I don't get some food.

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"And they're not going to bring out the main course,

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"they're not going to be cooking it until you've finished your starter."

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And he's like, "No, no, they will be.

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"They'll be cooking it while I'm eating."

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I say, "No, you've never worked in a restaurant.

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"I worked in a restaurant for two years.

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"They are waiting to clear the table before they start the starter."

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And by the time he's finished his starter

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I've demolished the breadbasket, I hate myself.

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I hate myself, and I'm no longer hungry.

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So people who order starters are going in Room 101, right now.

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-Hear, hear.

-Thank you, Laurence.

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It would be a less popular show if we did it like that.

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I have do confess to forcing someone to - saying to the waiter,

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"Can you bring them both at the same time, please?

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-"Bring them both at the same time, please."

-That's what I do.

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"No, do have a starter, do have a starter,

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"we'd like them both at the same time,

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"everything at the same time, now, please. Thank you, please.

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-"Very, very hungry."

-I do that.

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And that brings out the worst in me.

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The hunger!

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When I've got the hunger, don't mess with me.

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Bread kills it. And chips kill it as well.

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Because then, also, your kids, I'm going on holiday with the kids,

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and they only eat bread and chips, and then you wonder,

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when was the last time the kids went to the toilet?

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It was Monday, wasn't it?

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It was Monday.

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What I don't like about my fellow contestants

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is that if you added the two of them together

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they'd weigh a little less than me.

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Because I'm good at eating.

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I want the starter. I want the main.

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I want a side or two, then I want a dessert.

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Then I'll finish before you cos I eat like a hoover,

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and then I'm going to get mad at you if you continue to eat your food

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without offering it to me.

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That's where I'm at.

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APPLAUSE

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I think I agree with you - but I always order a starter.

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-Do you?

-Because I'm a little bit frightened of waiters.

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And I find if a waiter, if I order a main course,

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say, "I'll have the chilli con carne, please."

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And he'll say, "Do you want a starter?"

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And I'll go, "No, I won't have a starter."

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And they go, "Oh!"

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I can't cope with that.

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I don't know if they're on commission or what?

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They have to shift the prawn cocktail.

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Exactly. I do get very intimidated, I think, still, in posh restaurants.

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The first time I ever went to a posh restaurant

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was a place called Christopher's in Covent Garden.

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I ordered steak tartare and said, "Could I have it well done?"

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And those of you who didn't get that, that's where I was.

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I had no idea.

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And people, they didn't just laugh on my table,

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people on other tables were laughing.

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OK, and, so, what's upsetting Rob?

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That's a good pet hate, I must say.

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What have you got against them, Rob?

0:18:120:18:14

Because I think, I listen to guitar music all day, every day -

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and everybody loves a guitar, but I think six strings is usually enough.

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Whenever it's 12 strings it's only for singing about fairies

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and a county fair and a maiden.

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And you are accompanied by bells.

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I think - not that they shouldn't exist,

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but if you're going to use one

0:18:370:18:39

I think you should have two apply for a special licence,

0:18:390:18:43

because whenever I see somebody playing one I just think,

0:18:430:18:46

"Who do you think you are, you minstrel?"

0:18:460:18:48

It's just...

0:18:480:18:50

Why do you need...

0:18:500:18:52

Justify your use of those extra...

0:18:520:18:54

..six, silly little dingly, dangly... No.

0:18:550:18:59

So, they make me angry.

0:18:590:19:01

I can see the studio audience shares my anger.

0:19:040:19:07

LAUGHTER

0:19:070:19:08

I mean, if you're Jimmy Page,

0:19:080:19:10

singing a led Zeppelin song about hobbits,

0:19:100:19:13

you need 12 strings.

0:19:130:19:15

But if you're my roommate, you don't need...

0:19:150:19:18

You don't need any strings, go away.

0:19:180:19:20

There will be people are watching this who aren't really aware...

0:19:200:19:25

of the 12 string guitar, I have one with me.

0:19:250:19:28

So this is a 12 string guitar, and it does sound...

0:19:280:19:31

-Oh, my God, he's going to play for us.

-I'm not going to play anything,

0:19:310:19:34

because I think there is far too many strings.

0:19:340:19:38

Oh, he agrees.

0:19:390:19:40

Just...

0:19:400:19:41

STRUMS GUITAR

0:19:410:19:45

# Well, I was wandering... #

0:19:470:19:49

LAUGHTER

0:19:490:19:51

What? You can't...

0:19:510:19:53

There's that lovely sort of a...

0:19:530:19:55

They have that lovely tuning, the Nashville tuning,

0:19:550:19:58

using all the higher strings of the 12 string,

0:19:580:20:00

they put it on a six string.

0:20:000:20:01

So you can play a six string with the high 12 string strings

0:20:010:20:04

and it sounds gorgeous with...

0:20:040:20:07

-I don't know what you're talking about.

-No.

0:20:070:20:10

Can you play each individual string individually,

0:20:100:20:13

or do you play two at a time?

0:20:130:20:15

You can play each individual string...

0:20:150:20:20

but only like this.

0:20:200:20:23

It's also less practical in urinals.

0:20:360:20:38

I should say, that wasn't my guitar, we borrowed it.

0:20:400:20:43

So...

0:20:430:20:45

It's... It is a bit of a strange instrument.

0:20:530:20:55

I can think of a stranger one.

0:20:550:20:58

This is...

0:20:580:21:00

Well, I won't tell you what it's called, see if you can guess.

0:21:000:21:02

HIGH-PITCHED ELECTRONIC HUM

0:21:110:21:13

That's actually called a badgermin.

0:21:320:21:34

LAUGHTER

0:21:340:21:36

So it's a theremin made out of a dead badger.

0:21:360:21:39

-What do you think?

-I didn't like...

0:21:390:21:42

I didn't like the look on the guy's face playing it.

0:21:420:21:44

I think that is the conventional expression to take

0:21:440:21:47

when you're playing a badgermin.

0:21:470:21:49

OK. What's upsetting Laurence Fox?

0:21:510:21:54

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:540:21:56

Cyclists in Lycra!

0:22:000:22:03

I'd like to differentiate between Boris bike users,

0:22:050:22:08

and people who have those lovely bikes,

0:22:080:22:10

you know, the really expensive ones that...

0:22:100:22:12

..are not racers.

0:22:130:22:15

Again, it's about me, selfishly.

0:22:160:22:19

But I was crossing the road to go to the theatre

0:22:190:22:21

between a matinee and an evening performance of a show,

0:22:210:22:24

and it was the only time I got to hang out with my eldest son,

0:22:240:22:27

at that point. And I was crossing the road,

0:22:270:22:29

and this dude dressed like a fat Lance Armstrong...

0:22:290:22:32

LAUGHTER

0:22:320:22:34

..comes caning across the road.

0:22:340:22:37

And nearly took his head off, really.

0:22:370:22:39

You know, I hate them all.

0:22:390:22:41

The ones that dress like they are in the Tour de France.

0:22:410:22:44

I call them two-wheeled road fascists.

0:22:440:22:46

And I hate them from the bottom of my heart.

0:22:480:22:50

I'd like to add a caveat.

0:22:500:22:52

-OK.

-Could you possibly say...

0:22:520:22:55

..two-wheeled fascists in cities?

0:22:560:22:58

No, because when I lived in the countryside, on a Saturday morning,

0:23:000:23:03

this is going to sound even more posh, sorry.

0:23:030:23:07

But I had a horse, right.

0:23:070:23:09

-I had a horse.

-LAUGHTER

0:23:090:23:10

I don't care.

0:23:100:23:12

I don't mind admitting it, I had a horse.

0:23:120:23:14

And I would take my horse, he was a bit nuts, to be fair, he had issues,

0:23:140:23:19

and I would take my horse up the road.

0:23:190:23:21

And these fascists would come in their droves, like, three abreast,

0:23:210:23:26

racing each other in some imaginary race

0:23:260:23:28

that they invented that morning.

0:23:280:23:30

I love people who take pride and love in their bikes,

0:23:300:23:34

and they sedately and serenely go about,

0:23:340:23:36

and if I had my say,

0:23:360:23:38

London would be closed to cars for a good mile and a half

0:23:380:23:43

from the centre. But not these dudes, seriously.

0:23:430:23:46

You know, have sex.

0:23:460:23:48

LAUGHTER

0:23:480:23:49

You don't need to cycle.

0:23:490:23:52

It's fine.

0:23:520:23:54

Something happened, didn't it, with the bicycle?

0:23:540:23:57

Because when I was a young man,

0:23:570:23:59

the bicycle was very much the home of gentle, kind...

0:23:590:24:04

Baskets.

0:24:040:24:06

This is Philip Larkin, one of our great poets,

0:24:060:24:09

now this is what cycling used to be like.

0:24:090:24:12

'Whenever I saw a church I used to stop and look inside.

0:24:120:24:18

'It was a nice excuse for stopping.

0:24:180:24:20

'I like going into them.

0:24:200:24:22

'I know very little about them,

0:24:220:24:23

'but I always welcome the feeling I have going into a church.

0:24:230:24:27

'In the end I began to try to write about it.'

0:24:270:24:30

That's what cyclists used to be like.

0:24:330:24:35

Lovely, gentle people.

0:24:350:24:37

And then, I'll tell you what happened, Team GB.

0:24:370:24:41

-Oh, really?

-Yes, and all those hairy guys

0:24:410:24:44

that used to pump iron at the weekend saw cycling,

0:24:440:24:48

that looks like a real macho activity.

0:24:480:24:50

And then you see these people, as you say,

0:24:500:24:55

if someone's cycling 50 miles I don't mind them wearing Lycra,

0:24:550:24:59

but you see people going to work, and you know, in their head,

0:24:590:25:03

they are in the velodrome.

0:25:030:25:04

LAUGHTER

0:25:040:25:06

I used to do horse riding in North Finchley, and I must admit,

0:25:060:25:11

when I was on the horse - I was a big fan of Westerns -

0:25:110:25:15

and in my head all I could hear was...

0:25:150:25:17

MUSIC: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly Theme Tune

0:25:170:25:21

OK, which is fine, so I fantasise,

0:25:230:25:26

as these men fantasise about being in big races.

0:25:260:25:29

But I didn't dress up.

0:25:290:25:31

I didn't wear a cowboy outfit.

0:25:310:25:32

-But that's practicality.

-It's not, it's fancy dress.

0:25:320:25:35

-It is practicality.

-Not with all the garb on.

0:25:350:25:38

Not with the, like, yellow jerseys.

0:25:380:25:40

Look, I don't mind watching a bit of Formula 1,

0:25:400:25:42

but when I drive to work I tend not to wear a fireproof jumpsuit...

0:25:420:25:47

LAUGHTER

0:25:470:25:48

..and a full-face crash helmet.

0:25:480:25:50

But if you were in a Formula 1 race car you would.

0:25:500:25:53

-Have you ever seen a naked bike ride...?

-No, what?

0:25:530:25:57

I think we're going to see it now.

0:25:570:25:58

Somebody say yes. Where is this?

0:25:580:26:00

I saw it, this is a picture of the naked bike ride.

0:26:000:26:03

Oh, my God!

0:26:030:26:05

-This is a thing?

-That's the guy playing the badger thing!

0:26:050:26:07

LAUGHTER

0:26:070:26:09

Hold on, there's the badger... Oh, no.

0:26:110:26:14

Where is that?

0:26:160:26:17

-Well, I saw them going across Waterloo Bridge...

-Stop it!

0:26:170:26:20

It's actually a beautiful sight.

0:26:200:26:23

There's all shapes and sizes and ages, it really symbolised freedom,

0:26:230:26:27

-I thought.

-None of them on racers though, are they?

0:26:270:26:29

But there was a guy with his family standing behind me.

0:26:290:26:32

I was looking at them thinking, this is brilliant.

0:26:320:26:34

There was a guy with his family, and I heard him say, "Weirdos."

0:26:340:26:38

And I thought, this is what life is all about.

0:26:390:26:42

You have to decide whether you're with the naked bike riders,

0:26:420:26:45

or whether you're with that bloke.

0:26:450:26:47

-Now, I'm with the naked bike riders.

-Yeah.

0:26:470:26:50

APPLAUSE

0:26:500:26:51

I don't think I can put in 12 string guitars,

0:26:510:26:54

because although they are, let's say, cluttered.

0:26:540:26:57

People do make them sound nice, as well.

0:26:570:27:00

And I like a bit of wizard...

0:27:000:27:02

..riding a unicorn type beauty.

0:27:030:27:05

-I think that's...

-That's its proper application, I'm just saying,

0:27:050:27:08

you know, if people use them willy-nilly.

0:27:080:27:10

That's just wasteful.

0:27:100:27:11

I wouldn't want to lose that genre, wizard rock.

0:27:130:27:16

I do understand the starters thing,

0:27:180:27:22

I think it is a bit of a waste of time, really.

0:27:220:27:25

It just makes you leave your main course.

0:27:250:27:28

But, often, they are better than main courses across the world.

0:27:280:27:33

And if I accidentally put poppadoms into Room 101,

0:27:330:27:37

I don't know what I'd do with myself.

0:27:370:27:39

I really have a problem with these cyclists in Lycra,

0:27:400:27:45

turning cycling into a butch activity

0:27:450:27:48

instead of a beautiful Philip Larkin type activity.

0:27:480:27:53

So you know what, I am going to put cyclists in Lycra, brackets male,

0:27:530:27:57

into Room 101.

0:27:570:27:59

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:590:28:00

Well done.

0:28:030:28:05

And that brings us to the end of the show.

0:28:080:28:09

Well done, Laurence, you were the most persuasive guests,

0:28:090:28:12

so you are this week's winner.

0:28:120:28:13

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:130:28:14

And thanks very much, Rob Delaney, Davina McCall and Laurence Fox.

0:28:190:28:23

And thank you, goodnight.

0:28:230:28:26

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:260:28:28

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