Divided We Stand Steptoe and Son


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Divided We Stand

Classic comedy with the rag-and-bone team. When the arguments become just too much for Harold, he decides to take drastic measures to get some peace from Albert.


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-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-We 'aven't decided on one bleedin' room, not even the bog!

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-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-I'm entitled to me opinion!

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No, you ain't! You got no taste!

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Everything 'as to harmonise. You can't just bung anything up.

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-I like the way it is.

-I don't. When was this place last decorated?

-After the War.

-Exactly!

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1918 !

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-It's 'ad NOTHING on it since!

-That wallpaper's as good as the day your mother put it up!

-It's filthy!

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It's depressing. A house like this should be light and gay.

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I like chocolate paint. Dark green and chocolate don't show the dirt.

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Paint yourself in it, then!

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Try to use your imagination. Try to visualise it.

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All right? Here we go...

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Wedgwood blue on the ceiling, Etruscan red for the woodwork.

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This wallpaper for the walls...

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and this carpet 'ere on the floor. How's that?

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Bleedin' awful ! It'll look like a Peruvian brothel !

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I give up! There's no point in me goin' on!

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Look 'ere! There "Homes and Gardens". That's the self-same colour scheme.

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They've got the same wallpaper and carpet. It's delightful.

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-That's Blenheim Palace!

-Well ? It don't make no difference. It'll look just the same in 'ere.

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You've got to be bold, Dad. Don't be afraid to experiment.

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How much is that paper there?

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-£9 a roll.

-NINE POUNDS !? Your mother did the whole place for that.

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-Things have gone up a bit since (!)

-Well, THAT'S not going up! Waste of money!

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We've got 500 gallons of Army camouflage paint out there. Why don't we bung that up?

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If we're going to get dive-bombed any minute, I see your point (!)

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Come on, hurry up, choose something!

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-How many books 'ave you got?

-Seven.

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There you are! Bung all the bits up. Should be lairy enough for you.

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I'll sew all the carpet bits together.

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You would, wouldn't ya!?

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Certainly. I don't mind it looking rotten when it costs nothing.

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It won't look rotten! Here...

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Here, I like that hairy paper.

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-That is not hairy paper, that is flock!

-Nice, isn't it?

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-It's quite elegant, albeit a trifle ostentatious. Where would you put it?

-In the khazi.

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Flock in the khazi!? We're 'aving something washable out there!

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-I

-don't write on the wall!

-You do!

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You sit there doing your crossword!

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It's covered in anagrams and worse.

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Some of the graffiti is disgusting. It's positively Pompeiian!

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I can't reach that high! That's the customers!

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That should be for staff only.

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We're not 'aving flock in the bog!

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We're not 'aving Wedgwood blue!

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-I see. That is your final word, is it?

-Yeah!

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Hmm.

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-Hmm! We seem to have reached our usual impasse, don't we?

-If you like.

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You don't give a toss what colour we 'ave!

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-You just want to go against me! Whatever I want, you DON'T !

-I'm entitled to me opinion.

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But it's EVERYTHING ! Every idea I 'ave for improvements!

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Improvements to the 'ouse or the business, you're agin it!

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You frustrate me in everything I try to do!

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You're a fascist, reactionary,

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squalid little "know your place" "don't rise above yourself"

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complacent little turd!

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-Who do you...

-I haven't finished!

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Morally, spiritually and physically you are a festering, fly-blown heap of accumulated filth!

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What do you want for yer tea?

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I don't want any tea!

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-You enjoy living in squalor, don't you?

-No, I don't!

-You do!

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-Look at this room! When was it last cleaned?

-Yesterday.

-Liar!

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-What's that?

-It's only dust.

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That's not dust, that's bleeding topsoil !

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We need a plough, not a vacuum cleaner!

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And this...

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-What is THAT...?

-Coffee dregs.

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Coffee dregs!? It's got more hairs on it than the flock wallpaper! That's pure penicillin!

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And look at this lot! This hasn't been cleaned out since Mafeking!

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"Mr Chamberlain returns from Munich."

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"I'm giving up my throne for the woman I love."

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"Wellington Koo meets President Roosevelt."

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Ooh! "Princess Margaret joins the Brownies."

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I remember this. "Mussolini invades Albania. King Zog flees."

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We've got king-SIZE fleas!

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This is a pig-sty! Filth! Filth! Filth! And it smells, too.

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-I can't smell anything.

-No wonder! You smell worse than the house!

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I open the door and there it is! You smell worse than a pair of zoo-keeper's boots!

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I'm not putting up with it! This stuff has got to be cleared!

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This stuff's been here for years!

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Ration books!

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Gas masks!

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A packet of dried egg!

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And what goodies have we got in 'ere, Ali Baba?

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-What are these!

-Gor blimey, I wondered where they went! They're me old teeth.

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I lost them in 1941.

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They flew out when that land-mine landed down the road.

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That's a bit of luck. They're the best teeth I ever had.

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Me-me gums have shrunk!!

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That is the...awrgh...! That is the most revolting thing I've ever seen!

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I'm finished...!

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I-I'm not putting up with this filth any longer.

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Unless something is done about it, I shall be forced to make alternative arrangements.

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Do what you like!

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-Our paths have grown too diverse for any possible reconciliation.

-As you like.

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Your very presence tends to impinge upon my aesthetic moments and my little bits of relaxation.

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In other words, I get on yer tits!

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Crude but apposite.

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Therefore, there is only one course of action open... one of us will have to go.

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-All right...?

-Right.

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-Right!

-Right.

-No hard feelings?

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-No, I'll be glad to be rid of you.

-Right... What!? I'M not going!

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-I'm not!

-I can't afford to go!

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Then you'll just have to stay here.

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-I want to live on my own! I want some privacy and I'll HAVE it!

-How (?)

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-If you won't go, there's only one thing we can do.

-What...?

-Apartheid separate development.

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< DOOR CLOSES

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"Apartheid"...? What the bleeding 'ell's apartheid?

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-Bloody silly idea!

-If you don't like it, you know what to do.

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-You're just bringing down the value of the property.

-I should have done this years ago.

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MIND OUT !

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There! Look at that, eh! Perfect, I tell ya, perfect.

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There! Partition is complete. The border has been sealed.

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It's a wonder you haven't got armed guards and searchlights (!)

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What are you doing here? I don't recall inviting you in to my house.

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You is "persona non gratia."

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Please retire to your own rathole!

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Not bringing it up to the ceiling?

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Unfortunately, that's not practical, as the only window's on your side.

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But I shall have it double-glazed, thus keeping the light in and you OUT.

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Two self-contained flats, affording complete privacy... except for no-man's-land.

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-Where's that?

-Here...

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Voila!

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Checkpoint Charlie!

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It's the only way I could think of of giving me access to the stairs and you access to the kitchen.

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-Apart from business, our paths need never cross again.

-Suits me!

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Now, if you would retire to your own quarters... I want to be alone.

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-It's locked!

-You put a penny in it.

-A penny to get to the kitchen!!?

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I have to pay to get upstairs.

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I'll want to go to the kitchen more times than you go to bed!

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It'll cost me tuppence a time! Penny to get in, penny to get out!

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-Why not get a non-paying one!?

-That's the only one we've got!

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I got that when they pulled down the ladies' bog at the dog track.

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-It's mine!

-It's a business asset!

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We'll put up a blackboard. When we come through, we mark it with chalk.

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At the end of the year, we share it out "pro rata".

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It's better than that Christmas Club. You 'ave that out by Easter.

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-You'll rub mine off!

-I won't!

-Then you'll add some to your score!

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What a petty little criminal mind!

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You can have the lot! I just want to get rid of ya, that's all !

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Go on, go 'ome! It's getting late. Go on.

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I want a drink of water.

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-That's one for me!

-Yes (!)

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Goodnight.

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I'm free...!

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I'm on me own at last!

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Complete privacy for the first time in my life...!

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Oh, the peace, the quiet!

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< DOOR SLAMS

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I'm lonely. Want a game of cards?

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No! And don't peer over the wall at me like bleeding Chad!

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I'll put frosted glass in there!

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Goodnight, Dad.

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Frzzzrrpp!

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-Good morning.

-Morning.

-A lovely morning!

-Very nice.

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-Go! Top left.

-Bottom right.

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-Hoi! I'm filling my kettle!

-Wot's your bleeding game!?

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You rotten swine!!

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-Give me my cruets back!

-They're not yours!

-I bought them!

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-I gave you half the money!

-LENT me!

-Well, until I get it back they're as much mine as yours!

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You can 'ave the salt.

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..That's no good!

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-You can't split up a pair!

-You split US up!

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-You're not worth anything. You're not Georgian. Give us my pepper back!

-No!

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Take that.

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Thanks (!) That is ideal (!)

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-They're a perfect match (!)

-Give us 75 quid and you can have it back.

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I spent all my money on the partition!

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Soon as I can afford me own stuff I'm gonna nail that up!

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-Can't hear a word you're saying!

-I SAID... Oh, get out of it!

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Let's see what's on...

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"The British Empire"...

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Oh! At last it's got through to them dim-heads at the BBC !

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A cultural oasis in a desert.

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Yes?

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Who is it?

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-Next door (!)

-Oh...

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-Yeah?

-Would you turn the TV on?

-What programme?

-BBC 2.

-'Ang on.

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BBC 2...

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Royal Festival Hall. Margot Fontin and...

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N...Nu...Nury...

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in "Less Sifleeds."

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Dirty devils!

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I hope they dance close together!

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BALLET MUSIC ON TV

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'Arold! Her drawers 'ave just dropped off!

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You liar!

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I can't watch this all night.

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ITV... "Blood of the Ripper"! That's more like it.

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BLOODCURLING SCREAM ON TV

0:21:090:21:13

-I'm trying to watch television!

-That's not BBC 2 !

-I know it's not.

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-I wanted to see Margaret Fontana and Rudolf Nuryev!

-Well,

-I

-don't!

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We agreed that Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays should be my nights

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while Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays would be your choice, with each having alternate Sundays.

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-That's right.

-Today is Wednesday. I want BBC 2 on.

-I don't!

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You're being very unfair. We had an agreement. I've got the law of contract on my side.

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I've got the KNOBS on my side.

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OWW !! Let go! You're hurting me!

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-Will you put BBC 2 on?

-No!

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ARGHH ! You're stranngglling me!

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Put the ballet back on!

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All right, all right! Let go!

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I'm not putting it back on!

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-I'll get you!!

-'Arold, you know ballet drives me round the twist.

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We'll compromise. We'll have BBC 1 tonight and then you can have an extra go tomorrow.

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-No!... What's on BBC 1 ?

-Football European Cup.

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That's not bad. All right, BBC 1.

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SWITCHES OVER TO FOOTBALL

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-Was that a goal ?

-No, he saved it.

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Oh, Gawd!

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Keep down this end! Down 'ere!

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THIS end... Come on!

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This end...! Man up your back!

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-Get off!

-You've got more screen!

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-I ain't!

-It's a 21-inch screen. I'm entitled to 10 and a half inches!

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-I've only got 9 inches!

-Take the bleeding lot...!

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You rotten cow, son!

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Normal service will be resumed tomorrow. We are going to bed.

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Goodnight from us all at the 3-pin BBC plug. Goodnight.

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HUMS NATIONAL ANTHEM

0:24:200:24:24

-Look!

-Where...?

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Come back! You don't want to go!

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-Yes, I do!

-No, you don't!

-I was first. You'll have to wait.

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ARGHHH ! You rotten little toerag!

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MANIACAL LAUGHTER

0:25:400:25:44

-Goodnight, Father.

-Cobblers!

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-And the same to you.

-Cobblers!

-They make a jolly fine stew (!)

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SIRENS BLARING

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COUGHING AND WHEEZING

0:26:350:26:38

Oh, Gawd, I'm dying! It's all your fault!

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Those bloody silly partitions!

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Even the bleeding firemen had to put pennies in the turnstile to get at us!

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They...they come through the wrong door. They should have come through your door.

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Oh, they knew that (!) They're used to houses with turnstiles in the passage (!)

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Just because you wanted to get rid of me! Look where it's got us!

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Yeah... In the same ward! Together!

0:27:260:27:32

You'll have to put up with it!

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WHEEZING...

0:27:350:27:38

'Arold, give us a drop of your orange juice.

0:27:380:27:44

Hurry up!

0:27:450:27:47

YARGGHHH ! NURSE !! NURSE !!

0:27:520:27:57

He's poured orange juice all over me! NURSE !! NURSE !!

0:27:570:28:03

Subtitles by Chas Donaldson BBC Scotland 1988

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