Episode 1 The Impressions Show with Culshaw and Stephenson

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have never seen something like that with my eyes, ever.

-That was amazing!

-Tulisa, what was amazing?

That boy had the X, Y and Z factor! He was totally banging up there!

In all my many years in the music industry, I've seen like five, six, seven bands, maybe eight.

Definitely less than nine. But that guy was the ultimate!

Everyone else is just totally embarrassing themselves by even turning up. I mean, forget it!

Tulisa, what are you talking about? We haven't even started.

What are you talking about, Granddad? That guy totally nailed it. He was wicked!

And check out his lyrics. He was like...

# One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two

-That was the sound check.

-LAUGHTER

-The sound check?

Man, he's even got a cool name!

LAUGHTER

This week sees the release on DVD of the critically acclaimed drama The King's Speech.

In this film we see this guy, he's like 40 or something and he's Prince of Wales, or a lord, or the king,

but not the king now, the king yonks ago in the 80s or something, whenever it was black and white.

So he tries to give a speech and he's going, "B-B-B-B..." And everyone's like, "Spit it out!"

And he wants to but he can't, which I found quite moving. Did you?

I mean, he tries and he really can't. It's very annoying. I mean really, really annoying.

And then, er, this man turns up and starts going, "Do this!" And then he says, "I can't."

And then he says, "Do this!" He says, "I can't!"

Then he says, "Do this!" again, and the king goes "B-B-B-B..." And so on and so forth.

And everyone's like, "He can't do it!" But then he does. But, er, he still talks funny anyway.

And then the film ended and that was, like, the end. I didn't really understand it.

And, actually, I missed most of it, because I was talking.

-The King's Speech comes out on DVD on Monday.

-SHE PANTS

In Countryfile this week, I'll be heading west in search of the perfect cream tea.

I'll be taking a gentle walk through Kingfisher country.

And I'll be face-deep in fun as I go bobbing for pennies in Dorset's largest pile of manure.

But first, gates.

-So, last week was tough.

-Tough as steel, John.

-Tough as titanium, Gregg.

-They have never had it so tough!

-Until now.

-Until now, tonight, here, now, tonight!

-They thought they had it hard. They didn't know a thing.

-The mollycoddled idiots!

-No more Mr Nice Guys, this is quiche.

-Quiche is hard, John.

Damn right! Tonight is the biggest test ever. This...is tougher than childbirth.

-Childbirth?

-It's tougher than fighting in trenches.

-They will be praying for death's sweet kiss

-after 20 minutes in the MasterChef kitchen once they attempt quiche. Quiche!

-Quiche!

They are doing quiche. They have no idea what this will do to their minds, bodies and families.

-They may never see their families again!

-Quiche!

-Quiche!

-Quiche!

-Quiche!

-Quiche!

-Quiche!

LAUGHTER

OK. You've got five minutes. Five minutes. Good luck.

Well, I remember being in a beautiful garden on a warm summer's day. It was paradise.

Then Adam ate the apple and all hell broke loose.

Well, you know, I remember being a little kid and having my toenails painted.

Of course, that was back when I could see my feet.

I can remember when Stephen's head

-didn't have a permanent snow cap.

-Brilliant.

Oh, avalanche.

-Miss Willoughby, dinner is served.

-Oh, thanks for having me round to dinner, Phil.

I didn't have a chance to get anything in. The garage was closed.

Well, it's the least I can do for my most favourite This Morning co-host in the whole world.

Aw! Mm. Looks lovely, Phil. You cook a mean sausage.

HE LAUGHS

Oh, I'm starving. Shall we tuck in?

Not so fast, Holly! First, let's find out the rules.

'Inside The Cube, the game is for Holly to eat her meal while wearing boxing gloves.'

-What are you doing, Phil?

-Hang on, Holly. That's not all. Is it, Mr Cube Man?

'That's right, Phil. She'll also have a colander on her head.

'Holly will have to force the sausages through the little holes on the colander and into her gob!

-'Will she take on the challenge?'

-Stop it, Phil!

So, Holly, will you take on The Cube?

-'The Cube!'

-Phil, you've got to stop doing this.

-The Cube has taken over your life.

-'The Cube!'

That sounds like a yes, she's going to take the challenge!

-Get ready, Holly, to take on The Cube!

-'The Cube!'

We're not in The Cube, Phil, we're in your kitchen eating sausages.

'Sausages!'

Now, best of luck, Holly. The whole audience is really rooting for you on this.

Remember, if you don't eat all the sausages, then you won't get any pudding,

-and it's Phil's extra-special spotted dick.

-'Spotted dick!'

Two out of five people usually succeed in this challenge.

-Good luck, Holly, it's time for you to take on The Cube!

-'The Cube!'

For the last time, Phil, we are not in The Cube, and where the hell is that voice coming from?

'Under the table!'

That's the main headlines, now let's go over to the news where you are in the country,

which is the news I've just told you, but read by someone slightly shabbier in a cheaper jacket.

Paul, you're one of the first to know. I've got some big news.

-I'm expecting.

-Expecting?

I should say you are! Expecting to have your life ruined, you poor cow!

Best of luck with nine months of bladder problems, that's all I'm saying.

Not to mention the cravings, the mood swings and morning sickness. It'll all work out in the end.

You'll have stretch marks on your body, not to mention your purse!

Have you thought of the pocket money? Do you know how much that is these days?

Won't fit in a pocket, I'll tell you that.

They shouldn't call it pocket money, more like suitcase money!

If being pregnant is good news, what's bad? Leprosy?

-I was going to ask you to be the godfather.

-I'd rather lick a tramp!

LAUGHTER

I'm here thousands of feet... underground in the Cumbria caves.

And this...is the deepest cave system in all of Europe.

And it was formed... millions...of years ago

when giant pockets of organic acids bubbled up,

through the earth's strata.

And there are few places that better demonstrate the beauty

and complexity of the planet that we live on.

And this cave system is so deep, so remote,

that it's taken me an amazing two days

of walking, crawling and climbing,

to get here, and at some point

on that amazing journey

through the vast network

of tunnels and caverns,

me map fell out me pocket, and I'm totally lost.

-Help! Help!

-LAUGHTER

It was unbelievable. Lulu had Russell Grant in a headlock,

and then she pulled his leotard up so high it took three crew members to pull it back out of his bum!

-I don't even know if they got it in the end.

-You being serious? What made her do that?

Apparently, he asked her what it was like to play at the opening of the Coliseum.

We're back in three, two...

Welcome back. Coming up, are tunnels the best way to get your children into over-subscribed schools?

And Gyles Brandreth will be in Maidstone meeting the grandmother known to everyone on her estate

-simply as, "that thieving cow".

-LAUGHTER

-But first, this.

I've been here for about an hour now, mooching around, trying to get a feel for how the shop works.

And you know what? It doesn't.

It's like someone ate a load of clothes and then threw up.

So, Mary, what do you think of our little shop?

First impressions, I think it's a bloody disaster.

You're lucky you're not selling brain cells cos I don't think you've got any in stock.

I mean, you've got to ask yourself, how does a customer feel when they grab a load of clothes

and then have to take them in this dirty toilet of a room to try them on?

It's cramped, there's nowhere to hang anything, no-one is ever going to want to come back.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Anyway, I hope that's all clear. Good luck with everything.

-Aren't you going to give us some advice?

-No.

I've had a think and actually, everything is brilliant, so congratulations.

-Is that the time? Better get cracking.

-What's that under your coat?

-Nothing, got to go. Bye!

Get your hands off me, my dad's a copper!

-Hey!

-ALARM

LAUGHTER

-THUNDER

-Help!

-Brian! Are you down there?

Help! I'm here. I'm scared of the dark.

-Yes! I've found him.

-I'm here.

Oh, Brian! What did we say to you about going caving on your own?

You said...it would be...amazing.

What did we really say?

You said don't do it.

-And what did you do?

-I did it.

-Yeah, you did.

Oh, Brian, what planet are you on?

The planet Earth, the third from the sun,

93 million miles away in orbit around our star.

That's 150 million kilometres.

One of the terrestrial, rocky, inner planets.

-And it was from...

-MUFFLED SPEECH

-For your own good, Brian. Come on.

-LAUGHTER

Coming up later on Countryfile, I'll be meeting the farmers who are calling for sustainable sheep dip.

I'll be trying out a combine harvester with a side car.

And I'll be rodding the drains in the country's least hygienic abattoir.

But first, cheese.

Skinny latte, please, sweetheart. Oh, do it in soya milk if you can.

Lactose gives me gas.

Come on, Theo, a real man wouldn't worry about a bit of gas.

He'd blow it out. Let them know you're there.

"Yes, your Holiness, it was me. And you might want to open a window. I've got another one brewing."

Tea! Four sugars, love.

I'll get these. How much?

-£4.50 please.

-OK, I'm going to offer you all of the money,

but I want 100 percent of the drinks.

I don't really care who has the drinks, I just need the £4.50.

OK, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.

Now, you've still got another Dragon in here.

So, let me tell you where I'm at.

I own one of the leading retail outlets in the country.

It's not relevant but I always feel the need to mention it.

-Make her an offer or butt out.

-All right, I will.

-LAUGHTER

I'm prepared to offer you the £2.25

but I am going to want 50 percent of the drinks.

I'm happy if you want to pay separately. I just need the £4.50.

OK. I'll match Theo's offer.

Congratulations. You've got yourselves two Dragons.

Well done, Theo. I like the way you buy coffee.

-Now, let's wrestle!

-LAUGHTER

Well, of course, I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth.

-Quite literally. It took the surgeon four hours to remove it.

-LAUGHTER

I got so many memories from being a kid. It's like it was yesterday.

Because it was yesterday.

He coming! He's coming! Ooh!

Shh! Shh! Shh! Quiet!

-Hey!

-ALL: Hey!

ALL # For he's a jolly good Scouser For he's a jolly good Scouser

# For he's a jolly good Scouser

# And so say all of us

Aw! It's the famous comedian returned home.

I know, Mam, who'd have thought that me, John Bishop, just an ordinary lad from Liverpool,

would be a famous comedian?

-We're dead proud of you, our John.

-Ah, cheers, Dad. All right, mate!

Aww!

You are so famous, John. You're bigger than the Beatles.

-Oh, don't be soft, Sis.

-You're bigger than Jesus!

-Aw, don't be daft, Mam.

-You're bigger than Kenny Dalglish!

Leave it! He doesn't know what he's saying.

-Er, John, about you being an ordinary lad from Liverpool.

-What?

Dad! No. You're not going to tell him.

He needs to know, Ma.

Have you ever noticed anything different about yourself?

Anything different at all?

What are you trying to say, Dad?

Son, there's no easy way of saying this.

You're adopted.

You mean to tell me that I'm not an ordinary lad from Liverpool?

You are a lad from Liverpool. You're just not an ordinary one.

-MUSIC

-Surprise, surprise, John.

That's right. I'm your real mam.

Well, come here and give us a hug.

Oh, I'm getting all weepy, a lorra, lorra tears.

-Calm down, calm down.

-Who'd have thought that me, John Bishop, just an ordinary lad from Liverpool,

isn't really an ordinary lad from Liverpool, but Cilla's son?

That's right. You're Scouse royalty!

-Give us another hug!

-It's me dream come true!

Don't tell me, me dad's Tarby!

Hey! I did a lorra blind dates, but none of them blind drunk!

THEY LAUGH

And our political editor Nick Robinson joins us now.

So some interesting developments at Number Ten.

Well, that's right, Fiona. Exciting times at Downing Street today.

But more than that, important times.

Meetings, right now, behind me in Number Ten.

Meetings between many of the world leaders,

meetings that could change the face of politics forever.

It may not be good news for the prime minister,

but make no mistake, this is a seismically important night for Europe and for the world.

HE KNOCKS ON DOOR

Robinson! I'll get you, Robinson!

Hey there, it's Paul, you know. Now, those folks over at the Impressions Show,

they got in touch and said, "Hey. Paul, we're looking to try and put a band together.

"Do you reckon you could do us a favour, call a few of your mates,

"and see if they want to get involved in it?"

So I did that, and they did. And this is it. Hope you like it. Hello.

# I could stick around and get along with you, hello

It doesn't really mean that I'm into you.

Hello. Er, oh, oh.

You're all right, but I'm here, darling, to...enjoy the party

Don't get too excited cos that's all you'll get from me. Hey!

Yeah, I think you're cute.

But I really think that you should know.

I just came to say 'ello.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello.

# 'Ello, oh, oh, oh

I'm not the kind of girl to get messed up with you.

Hello. Oh, oh, oh. Oh.

-I'm going to let you try...

-..to convince me to.

-Hello.

-Ho, ho, ho, ho.

-I could stick around and...

-..get along with you.

-# Hello, oh, oh, oh, oh

-It's like the ringtone from hell, this.

-It doesn't really mean...

-..that I'm into you.

Hello. Oh, oh, oh.

-You're all right but I'm here, darling...

-..to enjoy the party.

-Whey.

-Hello. Hello.

I just came to say...

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello, girlfriend.

-Hello, dear.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Good evening.

-BOTH: Hello.

-Hello.

-I just came to say...

-Hello.

-IMITATED CHERYL COLE VOICE:

-Simon.

Simon.

Simon!

Ooh, Simon!

OK, I've got a horrible feeling I'm being haunted.

-And not by Louis Walsh like usual.

-LAUGHTER

Simon, I'm not a ghost.

I'm your conscience.

OK, reality check.

-I don't have a conscience.

-LAUGHTER

Well, you do now. Now then, isn't there someone you need to apologise to?

To be honest, no.

Someone you talked into doing something. Then you left them totally humiliated and embarrassed.

I'll give you a massive hint.

She had a relationship with Ashley Cole.

To be honest, sweetheart, that could be anyone.

-LAUGHTER

-I'll give you another clue, her name is Cheryl Cole.

Is it Cheryl Cole?

That's right, pet!

You should call her and apologise

and offer her another job in America.

Do you know what? You're absolutely right.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-Cheryl?

-Oh. I didn't really think this through, did I?

-Smell my arm, it's lush.

-Beautiful. Beautiful.

Welcome back to the One Show. Elton John, George Clooney, Johnny Depp,

just some of the stars who refused to come on tonight's show.

Plus Gyles Brandreth will be in Portugal

-as he's on the run after a multi-million-pound drug deal went wrong.

-But first, this.

No, I think it's lovely you called, Brucie.

I just find it a little hard to believe that Bruno Tonioli has stolen your trousers.

All right, tickety-boo. Ciao, Brucie. Oh, I'm so sorry.

Arlene.

Len. What a lovely surprise.

It seems like ages since you returned any of my calls.

Yes, I'm sorry about that. But, do you know,

I was going to call you just the other day.

But you didn't, did you?

No. But you know, I suffer from number-blindness.

All numbers look like the number seven to me.

So unless your number was seven! Seven, seven, seven, seven, seven! Seven! I wouldn't get through.

-Oh, well that makes perfect sense.

-Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Anyway, come on, if I know Arlene Phillips, I know that she's tickety-boo, tip-top OK.

So what have you been up to?

Oh, me? Oh, yes. Yes.

Oh, I've been so busy, so busy.

Busy, busy, busy. I've been a judge on So You Think You Can Dance, yes,

and I've been doing loads of other stuff, loads of young stuff.

So many, many things I've been doing.

-Anyway, the point is, I've not been missing Strictly at all.

-No.

But we have missed you!

Really? Oh, who's missed me?

Who? Well, it's hard to narrow it down, there's that many.

What about Brucie? Has Brucie missed me?

No. But thingy has, and, er,

-him, with the shoes.

-Who's missed me?

Come on, Arlene, you're crumpling my bon ami!

Anyway, I suppose I should be getting going.

But you will ring me, won't you?

-Yes, of course I will.

-And here's my number, there.

Just so you don't lose it.

Ciao!

Oh, that's funny. Seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, seven!

Same as mine.

'Get to the heart of the action with Andy Murray Tennis.

'Experience all the thrills and spills of being a world number four in your own home.

-'Get in.'

-'Select playing mode.'

-'British.'

-'Yes. I won.'

-'Or Scottish.'

-'OK, so I lost.'

'But at least I still have my freedom!'

'Push yourself to the limit and play all the way to the ultimate level,

-'the semi-final.'

-GROANING CROWD

'Andy Murray Tennis, more fun than actually being me.'

'Buy now, while his apples last.'

'Group behaviour of this kind is, of course, not unique to primates.

'Examples of alpha males can also be found

'in other, far less sophisticated species.'

Good morning. I'm Chris Moyles. Welcome to the Chris Moyles Show. Have we got a show for you today!

Have we? I honestly don't know. Me and Dave were out on the lash last night.

-'The dominant male in this group is called Chris.'

-HE BURPS

-THEY LAUGH

-'The others in the group must pay homage to him.'

OK, the whole team is here. Comedy Dave is here, er, Dominic Slaphead on news.

-Beautiful Tina on sport, Aled and Matt Fincham. Oh, hang on.

-HE COUGHS

Think I spoke too soon, something's not right with Comedy Dave.

'Unfortunately, one of the group has died.

'He was laughing so hard at Chris belching that he choked on his KitKat.'

OK. We will now observe one minute's silence,

er, for Comedy Dave.

Well, five seconds silence, anyway. Longest I've ever managed. OK. Thank you very much.

-Where's my tea? I hope you didn't spill it when...

-'Another younger male is looking to join the group.

'To do so, he must ingratiate himself with the alpha male.'

To the incoming boss of Radio One, I have this to say.

-HE BREAKS WIND

-'We've given him the name Darren.

'He's a juvenile, but is he juvenile enough to join this group?

'Natural bodily functions are seen as a great source of humour

'and Darren must laugh at the alpha male's joke or risk ejection from the group.'

-HE LAUGHS

-'Thank heavens for that.

'Darren, or as he is now known, Comedy Darren, has been accepted.'

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome the new member of the team, it's Comedy Darren.

HE BURPS / THEY LAUGH

I can remember being born.

And the midwife handed me to my mother, and I said,

"Mum, let me tell you where I am.

-"I am out."

-LAUGHTER

Er, me dad taking me to the building site when I was five.

He needed someone to carry the bricks.

Well, I went to a lot of parties in the 60s,

-you know, so my earliest memory is about 1970.

-LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

-Can you smoke in here?

-No.

Good. Filthy habit.

Miss Widdecombe, we need to talk to you about your book.

Oh, yes, more than one.

I write novels, you know?

-We know.

-It's not a crime, is it?

You're not going to charge me with writing?

Writing is not a crime, Miss Widdecombe.

Although your dancing comes pretty close.

I like dancing.

It gives me pleasure.

How much pleasure?

LAUGHTER

What's the problem? You look as though you've seen a ghost.

LAUGHTER

And our political editor Nick Robinson joins us now.

So it's been a busy week at Number Ten, Nick.

Well, that's right, Fiona. A week is a long time in politics,

and this has certainly been a long week for the prime minister.

A party out of control, a chancellor in open rebellion,

and the lowest popularity ratings since records began.

And the troubles aren't over yet for the resident of Number Ten.

Can he survive? Well, one thing's for sure, this prime minister isn't giving up just yet.

-LAUGHTER

-Robinson! I'll get you, Robinson!

# Don't you know they only want to see me?

# That is why they're here

Coffee, sweetheart? You need more than coffee.

-Can it wait until Cash In The Attic's finished?

-What are the chances of that happening?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

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