Episode 3 The Impressions Show with Culshaw and Stephenson


Episode 3

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Listen, I'm not being funny, but this is, like, the 10th week in a row you've been up here.

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You shouldn't be on the stage seating thingy. That is for the judges.

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I'm Louis Walsh.

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Oh, that's nice...

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You know your name.

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Did you escape from the retirement people's home?

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Do you want us to call someone to get you? DO YOU NEED THE TOILET?

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No, I don't! Look, Tulisa, I'm Louis Walsh. I am a judge on The X Factor.

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Why would Simon aks his granddad to judge pop music?

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Because Simon knows I'm the best.

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I know all about great pop music. I created Boyzone!

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-Westlife?

-Way before my time, Gramps.

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I am personally responsible for Jedward!

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Oh, my God, when you say it out loud,

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you really can't pretend it never happened.

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Shall I call the old people's home, tell them to get your room ready?

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I think that might be for the best.

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It's very neighbourly of you.

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The flat's a mess of packing boxes, and I can't find the coffee.

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Coffee, sweetheart? You need more than coffee.

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When you want to make an impression,

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you don't want none of that fancy continental muck.

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Here, get that down your neck.

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What is it?

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Whelks.

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The new Pearly King Whelkspresso Machine.

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A proper taste of the East End for you to enjoy at home.

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Genuine pub-fresh seafood.

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Whelks.

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Cockles.

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Winkles.

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Jellied eels.

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Crab sticks.

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Still,

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or fizzy, if they're on the turn.

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The romance of Bow Bells, at the push of a button.

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I'll have yours, then.

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Do you have any unusual skills?

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Errrr....

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I can fit 400 grapes into my mouth.

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I can throw my voice.

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'The Cube.'

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Pretty impressive, huh?

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I'm very good at wink murder.

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< SHRIEK

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There goes another one.

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Hi there. It's David and Elton, and we're going to impart

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some of the knowledge that we have gained during our..

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Don't milk it, dear. You know they're only here to see me. # Get to the point! #

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OK, so now it's time for..

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Changing nappies can be a total nightmare...

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# Daddy, it's a nightmare

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# It smells so bad And it's just not fair... #

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Quite. So here's our handy tips for making things so much easier.

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# Get a nanny to change the nappy... #

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Get a nanny.

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That's right.

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You know what, those ladies are a godsend.

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# They're a godsend... #

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David, I think he's done one.

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Come on, let's go to Milan.

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I don't know your name, but you're on.

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# Text me when he goes to university... #

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This week sees the release

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of Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson's latest blockbuster, The Adventures Of Tintin.

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In it, this boy, well, he's not real, but he is,

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well, he's a cartoon, but he's not because he's made by a computer, so he looks real, but he's not.

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Anyway, he's called Tintin or something

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and he works for a newspaper, even though he's a boy. Hello!

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And he finds out about stuff going on and he writes about it,

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and he meets a man, who is also a cartoon, but he's got a beard,

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which I'm slightly obsessed by, and a boat, and they become friends.

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And you go, "Really? OK".

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So then they go on this boat and boy's dog is on the boat and they go and find out about some stuff.

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And when they find the stuff, they stop the stuff from happening,

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because it's bad stuff, I mean, it's REALLY bad stuff. And that's what they do.

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Then they're not on the boat, which is then pretty much it.

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And it said "The End" and all these names came up. Remember that bit?

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My friend Natalie said they were people in the film who did stuff on it,

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but not actually part of the film, which is good, cos I thought that was really boring.

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So go and see it, but leave when I it says "The End".

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I liked the dog too.

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Tintin opens at cinemas across the country, this Friday.

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Coming up later in Countryfile,

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I discover a barn full of Victorian milk churns.

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I'll be visiting Cumbria's shortest lighthouse.

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And I'll be visiting the Truro Show,

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where I'll be chained hand and foot and torn apart by shire horses.

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But first, mud.

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-Is that it?

-Yes.

-You should be more careful - shouldn't leave ducks lying around.

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Can I help you sir?

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Yes. Can you explain to me why this is a Lost Property office?

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Shouldn't it be a FOUND Property office?

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Surely if all of these items were lost,

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they wouldn't be here, they would be found. I mean, what's going on there?

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Have you lost something, sir?

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Yes, I have lost my big book of observations.

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This morning, I made an observation that when there is a pregnant lady standing in front of you on the bus,

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you never know whether to give your seat up for her because she may just be fat!

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Preggers or porky? Preggers or porky? What to do?

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I made this observation but I didn't have my book of observations, so I wrote it down here.

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Well, it just so happens you're in luck, sir.

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Somebody handed this in this morning.

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Quickly, let me write down my observations before I forget them! Before I forget them.

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My Biro does not work!

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What's all that about?

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I mean, when the assistant in WH Smith said,

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"What kind of pen are you looking for, sir?" I did not say, "One that doesn't work".

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Mr Found Property man, do you by any chance have a Biro?

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You do! This is good, this is good, this is good.

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Why am I compelled to chew the end of my Biro?

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Why am I compelled to do this? A Biro is not a foodstuff.

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It is not. When I go to a cafe, I do not ask for fish and Biros.

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And now, foreign news.

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I had a lovely time in Tuscany, found a lovely little restaurant off the beaten track,

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where the whole staff spoke English and were clean-shaven,

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and read the whole of my Jilly Cooper in one day, which is a personal record for me.

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Completely missed that earthquake or hurricane or whatever it was that.

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I'm sure it wasn't important.

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So I said, "Yes, I know they're children's clothes,

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"but they are for me. I'm hoping to grow into them".

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G'day, Kylie.

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Hello, Gordon.

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I said "g'day" because that's what they say in Australia, and you're Australian.

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Right on both counts.

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Anyway, I really must get going.

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-Kylie, I was wondering if you needed anyone to do a duet with on any of your upcoming albums or tours?

-Um..

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I've got a lovely singing voice, don't worry.

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FLAT: # Oh, flower of Scotland, when will we... #

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No, Gordon, it's not that.

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It's just when I do a duet with someone,

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I really need there to be some chemistry.

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I've got that! I've been described as sulphurous.

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I just don't think it would work.

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Oh, don't you? Well, I could have you deported, you little...

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No, I couldn't - I'm not Prime Minister any more.

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Oh, that is Helen off of Blue Peter. Helen, do you need any Blue Peter Presenters?

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Well, I used to be a great runner, you know.

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Yes, I used to be able to run all day.

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But then they invented the wheel and there wasn't so much call for it.

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I can ride a horse.

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I can also knock one out with one punch.

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Oh, yeah, loads of them, like.

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I can name all the kings of England in chronological order

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and I can do this.

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-That's impressive.

-I know.

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Chronological order.

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Coochy-coo! Who's a little cutey pie, eh?

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Who's a little monkey, and so cute?

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Oh, my.

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Look at him.

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Isn't he beautiful?

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He's the most beautiful baby I've ever seen.

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Are you saying my baby's ugly!?

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No. I really do think he's beautiful.

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-What's his name?

-Jayden.

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Jayden.

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What a lovely name.

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What? Don't you like it?

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No. I love the name Jayden.

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It's a great name.

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I wish I'd called my son Jayden.

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It's all right if you don't like the name Jayden. You don't have to be quite so mean about it.

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Oh, sorry...

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Look, my voice just sounds sarcastic.

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I can't help it. Everything I say sounds sarcastic.

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Do you mean that or are you being sarcastic?

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My point exactly.

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Believe me, even when I'm ecstatic, I still sound sarcastic.

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"Thank you for this BAFTA, I'm really delighted to receive it".

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"Oh, look, a cake shop. Hooray!"

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See what I mean?

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OK, I get it. I'm sorry. Didn't mean any harm. It's fine.

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Mmm, smells like someone's done a doo-doo.

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-Oh, please, let me. I love changing nappies.

-Really?

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Don't be stupid, I really was being sarcastic that time.

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Available now on DVD - John Bishop Live!

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Who would have thought that me, John Bishop,

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just an ordinary lad from Liverpool, would be standing here on his own live DVD.

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It's me dream come true.

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Includes a DVD commentary by the start himself.

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Who'd have thought that me, John Bishop,

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just an ordinary lad from Liverpool,

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would be sitting here in this recording studio,

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doing the DVD commentary for his own live DVD

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that contains a making of documentary.

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It's me dream come true.

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Yes, John Bishop talks about John Bishop

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talking about John Bishop live on the John Bishop live DVD.

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It's me dream come true.

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I've met the drug gangs of Colombia, the Neo-Nazi gangs of Moscow

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and the deadly prison gangs of South Africa.

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but never before have I encountered

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the level of intolerance of outsiders evident in this gang,

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with their motto "The Only Way is Essex".

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I'm in Chigwell to meet the terrifying gang known on the streets as the Towies.

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The gang rule the beauty salons and nightclubs of Essex

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with a highly manicured orange fist.

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In recent times, the Towies have achieved celebrity status,

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openly flaunting their insidious gang culture on satellite television.

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I'm about to meet one of the leaders - a young woman named Amy.

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Hi there, I'm Ross. I mean no disrespect.

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Is it cool if we speak with you?

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All right?

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Luckily I have studied Towie street speak and am ready with the correct response.

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-Yeah, I'm all right. You all right?

-I'm all right.

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PHONE RINGS

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Yeah, whatever. I could drink him under the table.

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Course I'm up for it. You know me. Never miss a bit of clubbing.

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I could see things were about to kick off, so I got out of there.

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Two days later, and I'm told it's safe to return.

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My contact arranges a meet with one of the gang's heavies, Mark.

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So, er, geezer...

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Tell me about the average day in the life of a Towie.

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Oh, yeah, yeah, 100%.

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So I get up, go for a cruise in the convertible.

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Then it's off down to the wine bar with couple of the other geezers,

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-then hit the gym for a couple of hours.

-All seems perfectly innocent.

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I love working out.

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Want to feel one of my guns?

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I could see things were about to kick off, so I got out of there.

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And if I'm going to connect with the gang, I need to earn their trust.

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So I've booked myself in to one of the gang's cribs,

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or "salons" as they call them, to take one of the gang's initiations.

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I don't know what that involves, but it can't be that dangerous

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if it's called a "vajazzle".

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< Ross! Ross!

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< Oh, whatever.

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Things kicked off before I could get out of there.

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I will carry the secret of what happened inside to my grave.

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Suffice to say

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I shan't be taking any communal showers for a long, long time.

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All you can do is your best.

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You train as hard as you can, you learn from the pros

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and then you put all that together to do the best dance that you can do

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and that's the only way you can win.

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Either that or putting itching powder in the other dancers' pants.

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Seriously?! Better remember not get on the wrong side of you.

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And by the way you parked in my space this morning.

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And we're back...

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in three, two...

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OK, how are you? In a little while, Giles Brandreth will be here on this sofa,

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telling you how you can win an all-expenses-paid holiday in Chigley. How cool is that?

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You all right, Chris?

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Fine.

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Good evening. And welcome to The Sky At Night.

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Or The Sky Plus At Night if you're watching this tomorrow.

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Now, if you look through your telescope around this time of year,

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you should be able to see a huge flaming star that threatens to engulf all around it.

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You know, the observable universe is just vast and unimaginably huge.

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It may even be bigger than that. It's infinite, yeah?

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How do we explain that, despite this colossal size,

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you'll still bump into your ex in Tesco's when you look a right mess.

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Amazing.

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Yes, Professor Brian Cox.

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You can't get more of a flaming star than this jumped-up little haircut.

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Well, who do you think you are, Professor Brian Cox?

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Think you can just stroll into the BBC, smile like a big girl,

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and convince everyone that the centre of our solar system shines out of Uranus?

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Think you're the only one who can sex up science?

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Well, I was the hippest thing in astronomy

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when your ancestors were still specks of interstellar dust,

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floating through the Khyber belt beyond Pluto.

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# The universe is fantastic Jupiter's boombastic

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# Great red spot storms Are getting drastic

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# Booyaka, booyaka Saturn is massive

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# Booyaka, booyaka Saturn is massive

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# Andromedaaaaaa... #

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There, Mr Cox! Stick that up your nebulous and smoke it.

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12-0!

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Come on!

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Hi, guys, sorry to interrupt.

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Mandy from the office, her baby's due on Tuesday. Do you want to sign the card and put in for the present?

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What kind of investment are we looking at?

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-Everyone else has given a fiver.

-So you want £5 of my hard-earned money?

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£5 of my children's inheritance?

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You know what, it's not worth it.

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You give up too easily.

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Do you think I'd have won the World Hod-Carrying Championships three years running

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if I'd thrown in the towel that easily?

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OK, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

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I will give you half the money,

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but I'm going to want 25% of the child.

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I can't do this.

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That's such a shame.

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-Why? You think he should have taken the offer?

-No.

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I forgot to say that I own Ryman's.

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There's always a first. Now, come on, let's wrestle!

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Mrs Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?

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In those shoes?! Don't think so, girlfriend!

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Kitten heels may be all the rage,

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but you need some lengthy stilettos to lend some length to those fun-sized thighs.

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Stick with your Auntie Gok

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and we'll have you feeling just as confident about your body with your clothes on or off.

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My work here is done!

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Gok and roll!

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Look, it's no good. We're completely lost.

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We should have stayed with the lifeboat on the beach.

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Ah, now we're out of water.

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Wait! A plane... There's a plane!

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They're searching for us! Oh, dear God! Harry, pass us the flare gun.

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We're going home, Harry. We're going home!

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Not so fast, Sailor Boy.

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NO! Now the plane won't spot us.

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You're right, they won't. Not with this off-the-peg emergency flare gun.

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If you want to be seen,

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then you need something homemade that expresses your individuality.

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But Peterson is dying.

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Yes, dying for some homemade ceramics,

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like this vase that I made

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with the help from a posh friend of mine who's trying to find a purpose in life.

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Wow, that is fantastic!

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That knock the spots off any blah-blah flare gun. What do you think, Peterson?

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Iridescent.

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Well, that search plane might have gone,

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but the next one won't miss this bone china beauty.

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By the way, where's the nearest Harvey Nicks?

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I don't think there is one.

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What? No!

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Wait!

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Come back!

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Wait!

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Come back!

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Come baaaaack!

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I can juggle lorries.

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I can crack walnuts with my buns.

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Sorry, not buns...hammer.

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Yeah, I'm great at telling jokes.

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How many Katie Prices does it take to write one of my novels?

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None.

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I don't get that.

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Ladies, gentlemen and tabloid journalists...bleurgh!

0:19:490:19:54

Welcome, as you are

0:19:540:19:55

to this, the unveiling of the new London Cycle Path scheme.

0:19:550:20:01

The most perspicuous route, marked here in red,

0:20:010:20:05

will revolutionise velocipede travel in our fair city.

0:20:050:20:10

Automobiles will be banned from the route,

0:20:100:20:14

thereby allowing free and easy movement to aficionados

0:20:140:20:17

of this most laudable mode of self-propelled transport.

0:20:170:20:23

Isn't this new bike-only path just a direct route from your home to your office?

0:20:230:20:27

I don't like what you're insinuating. I don't like it one little bit!

0:20:270:20:31

This, of course, just the start of a much bigger scheme.

0:20:310:20:36

Phase Two shall see the construction of a cycle path

0:20:360:20:40

directly from my house here,

0:20:400:20:42

through to my new Swedish PA's flat, here.

0:20:420:20:46

Any questions? No? Good.

0:20:460:20:48

Boris, I have a question...

0:20:480:20:51

And we're joined now by our Political Editor, Nick Robinson.

0:20:510:20:55

So, exciting times at Number 10, Nick?

0:20:550:20:58

That's right, Fiona.

0:20:580:20:59

A leadership contest reaching its climax,

0:20:590:21:02

a lame-duck prime minister,

0:21:020:21:04

a political legacy in tatters.

0:21:040:21:06

Manifesto pledges, long since forgotten,

0:21:060:21:10

a chancellor totally out of control, maybe.

0:21:100:21:13

A prime minister packing his bags, certainly.

0:21:130:21:17

A lurch to the right

0:21:170:21:18

for a party already out of touch with its members.

0:21:180:21:21

Dark days indeed for a government

0:21:210:21:24

that promised so much

0:21:240:21:25

and for the Prime Minister, a political wilderness surely awaits.

0:21:250:21:30

Robinson!

0:21:300:21:31

I'll get you, Robinson!

0:21:310:21:33

And, you know, don't forget that

0:21:390:21:41

through all of the trials and tribulations of being a parent

0:21:410:21:45

that every child's a blessing.

0:21:450:21:47

Every day you see your reflection in your newborn's face.

0:21:470:21:51

-I mean, I think he has my eyes and my nose.

-He's got my hair.

-You think?

-No, really.

0:21:510:21:56

He's got my hair. I want it back! Look at that. It's ruined!

0:21:560:21:59

It's got baby sick all over it. This is the one I wore at the Royal Wedding!

0:21:590:22:03

Stacey Solomon, how's life as a celebrity?

0:22:070:22:10

Woo! Yeah, it's mental.

0:22:100:22:11

People, like, call my name out in the street and I'm like, "Really?"

0:22:110:22:15

They're like "Stacey!"

0:22:150:22:17

And I'm like "Oh, my God!"

0:22:170:22:19

And my mum's like, "Oh, my God! I can't believe it!

0:22:190:22:21

"Stacey Solomon's famous!"

0:22:210:22:23

And I was like winding her up the other day, right,

0:22:230:22:26

saying that I was going to change my name and that.

0:22:260:22:28

But I wouldn't really, cos I'm Stacey Solomon.

0:22:280:22:31

Everyone knows me as Stacey Solomon,

0:22:310:22:33

so if I changed my name, they'll expect somebody else,

0:22:330:22:36

not Stacey Solomon, cos that's who I am, not the other person,

0:22:360:22:39

if you see what I mean.

0:22:390:22:40

They'd have to change my name on the door,

0:22:400:22:42

then I wouldn't know where to go to.

0:22:420:22:44

So, what's going on?! Oh, my God!

0:22:440:22:46

My mum would say, "Hello, Stacey"...

0:22:460:22:49

Later on the One Show...

0:22:490:22:50

that's this show, that's us, what we're doing now, the One Show, us...

0:22:500:22:53

violence on our streets. Why we can't send Giles Brandreth out any more.

0:22:530:22:57

And later on, the hidden costs of child obesity.

0:22:570:23:01

We talk to Amy, aged six, who's already squashed three ponies.

0:23:010:23:05

But first, this.

0:23:050:23:06

Hi. I'm Simon Cowell.

0:23:110:23:13

We all know times are tough, but I want to tell you about a great money-making opportunity.

0:23:130:23:18

You could be earning up to £7 an hour working from home.

0:23:180:23:22

I used to struggle by on a million pounds an hour, and, let me tell you, it was tough.

0:23:230:23:30

Now I'm living the high life on one million and seven pounds an hour.

0:23:300:23:36

Plus I've still got time for the important things in life, such as a quality hour with my fiancee.

0:23:360:23:43

Hi, I'm Simon.

0:23:440:23:46

Do you mind if I stuff these envelopes while we talk?

0:23:460:23:49

Do what I did, and "Factor" a little "Xtra" into your pocket.

0:23:510:23:56

£7 extra.

0:23:560:23:58

I can work the fact that I knew the Beatles into any conversation.

0:24:030:24:08

See?

0:24:080:24:09

I can grope women whenever I like and not get arrested.

0:24:090:24:13

Like, yeah, I'm the world's record holder at speed-talking.

0:24:130:24:17

Sometimes I finish what I'm saying before I started.

0:24:170:24:21

Another world record. What am I like?!

0:24:210:24:23

I like to know everything I can about where our food comes from,

0:24:280:24:32

because you are what you eat.

0:24:320:24:34

Making me a mixture of hedgehog, badger, seaweed and toad spit.

0:24:340:24:39

This is Tina. Tina's lived outside River Cottage all her life.

0:24:390:24:43

And tonight, I'm going to eat her.

0:24:430:24:46

Sorry, Tina.

0:24:460:24:48

I know she's lived on organic grain in spacious accommodation

0:24:480:24:52

with everything a chicken could want.

0:24:520:24:54

I've even installed a miniature Jacuzzi. She likes that.

0:24:540:24:57

So I know Tina's had a really nice life.

0:24:570:25:00

but I want to know more.

0:25:000:25:02

Where does she really come from?

0:25:020:25:04

Hugh has called in notable historian Sebastian De Twaddle.

0:25:040:25:08

Well, I have some good news for you, Hugh.

0:25:080:25:11

I think I may have found one of Tina's relatives and there's an Army connection.

0:25:110:25:17

OK, and... Yeah, there it is.

0:25:170:25:20

By Jove, it appears Tina's grandfather

0:25:200:25:24

once served under a Colonel Sanders.

0:25:240:25:28

-Very grand!

-And there's more.

0:25:280:25:31

Tina's great-great-great-great grandmother was a star of stage and screen in the '80s.

0:25:310:25:39

Incredible...just incredible.

0:25:390:25:42

But, and you may not like this, Hugh, Tina's great-great-great-great grandfather

0:25:420:25:49

was not actually a chicken at all.

0:25:490:25:52

-Good grief!

-What sort of bird is that?

0:25:520:25:56

It's been a voyage of discovery for Hugh.

0:25:590:26:01

I now know that Tina is not 100% pure chicken.

0:26:010:26:06

But as it happens, I'm not 100% pure human.

0:26:060:26:09

One of my ancestors was a squirrel.

0:26:090:26:12

This long journey has taught me that Tina and I have a lot in common.

0:26:120:26:16

It's also made me extremely hungry.

0:26:160:26:19

Which was extremely bad news for Tina. Bon appetit!

0:26:190:26:22

Good old Tina!

0:26:220:26:25

Yeah, right. The weather.

0:26:270:26:30

Today...sunny.

0:26:300:26:32

Tomorrow...sunny.

0:26:320:26:34

The next day...sunny.

0:26:340:26:36

Every day...sunny.

0:26:360:26:38

Cos I've got a sunbed, haven't I?

0:26:380:26:40

And you know, at the end of the day,

0:26:400:26:43

if you can't afford one, get some fake tan.

0:26:430:26:46

I can't use real sun, anyway, cos me norks mean the rest of me's in the shade.

0:26:460:26:50

Mars is astonishing.

0:26:500:26:52

Jupiter...astonishing.

0:26:540:26:57

Ay-up, lad. Neptune's astonishing.

0:26:580:27:02

Pluto IS ASTONISHING!

0:27:020:27:05

Saturn...astonishing.

0:27:050:27:08

My steak and kidney pie...astonishing.

0:27:080:27:12

Brian Cox gets paid to do this?!

0:27:120:27:14

Astonishing!

0:27:140:27:16

Who'd have thought it? Me, John Bishop - a bishop!

0:27:190:27:23

Brilliant. So exciting.

0:27:230:27:25

Of a Friday, I love to give it all drum and bass action and a lick-up stylee.

0:27:250:27:29

And some lovely fat melons.

0:27:290:27:32

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:380:27:41

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0:27:410:27:44

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