Episode 3 The Pranker

Ross Lee is no ordinary man.

He's a practitioner of pranking and the public are his prey,

a master of mischief, his mind a cyclone of stupidity.

This is what happens when he spins out of control

and crashes into the real world.

-Coming up:

-Arghhhh!

It's, OK, mate. I'm gay.

Look, I've had enough now of you and your horrible dog.

Now, please leave me alone.

You're starting to really piss me off.

Fuck off and die.

Introducing an egomaniac and a large, soon to be angry, bald man.

Um, excuse me. This is a little bit,

er, embarrassing, but you're sat in my favourite seat.

This is my personal favourite table that you're sat in.

Um, would you mind awfully

if I just asked you to sit at the table over there?

I'm sitting here.

Er, I can see that you're sat there, and that's problem.

-Er, if you wouldn't mind...

-There isn't a problem.

There isn't a problem, so if you walk away, there won't be a problem.

-You do know who I am?

-No.

Who are you?

I'm Rutherford E Abbott.

Listen, mate, do yourself a favour before I start getting angry, all right?

Rutherford E Abbott.

Walk along, please. Stop bothering me and go away.

I don't want to cause a scene here, you see.

All these people know who I am.

-I don't care.

-Do you watch Doctors?

-Walk away.

-Have you seen Doctors?

-Walk away now.

-Dr Phonia.

I'm Dr Phonia in...

-Please walk away.

-..in Doctors.

-Walk away now.

-Do you remember Grange Hill?

Walk away now. Do yourself a favour and go.

Come to this, then, has it?

OK, what's your name?

Are you some type of fucking weirdo or what?

That straw just went up your nose.

-Suck it.

-Have you seen the Pop-Tarts advert?

Listen, do yourself a flavour and fuck off.

-I'm with company.

-Eldorado?

What's your name? Your name?

Give me your name.

No? You're not going to give me your name? OK.

There we go. I'll leave you with this. Thank you very much,

Mr Grumpy. Mr Grumpy.

Have a good day, Mr Grumpy!

Meanwhile, My Familee,

starring some geriatric jokers and a fast-food delivery man.

Some old sod has ordered

a colostomy-sized bag load of takeaway grub.

Unfortunately, they've got no intention of paying for it.

-Hello.

-Hello.

So what have we got here?

This Chinese is £33, please.

I didn't order a Chinese. Maureen probably did.

You called already, please.

I'm going to go and get her now. One minute.

-You're the lovely curry man, yes?

-Yeah, it's £33, please.

Oh, all right, OK. Oh, is it getting cold?

-I can take that in and then get Judy to give you the money.

-OK.

OK, thank you.

All right, love?

-It's nice food?

-Very nice. I'm getting you the money now, love.

But the money is under the cat and the cat's asleep.

I don't like waking the cat because she can be a little bit feisty.

Do you mind just waiting until the cat wakes up?

The restaurant is very busy.

-Do you want me to go and wake up the cat?

-Please.

-All right, then.

She said the money is under the cat.

SCREECHING AND SMASHING

The cat's eaten the money, love, and half of my face.

Boss, the cat is very angry with the...you know.

Give me the phone. Hello. I've asked the driver to get a bread knife

to help me open up the stomach of my cat

and pull out the money from the inside of the cat,

but he's shaking his head and he's said, "No, love."

And I don't know what to do.

So I don't think I'll be giving him a tip. Bye-bye.

I'll give you a call when the cat does a poo.

Sleep tight.

Boss?

Lady Mash,

featuring a typical northern man on tour

and a helpful local Londoner.

Excuse me, mate, could you do us a favour

and just take a couple of snaps for me just, er, just up here?

-Is that all right?

-Yes.

-Oh, cheers, amazing.

-Oh, great.

-Top button, yeah?

-That's it, yeah.

It's my first time down in London and I want some pictures

to send up to my friends up in Bradford at the factory.

Right, I've got to get some poses, so count me down from three to one.

-3...2...1.

-Wahey! London!

-Right, can I just do one more?

-Yeah.

Right one more, mate, last one.

You're seeing the bridge and everything, yeah?

Count me down from three to one.

3...2...1.

Whoahh!

Eh?

What do you think of these, eh?

-Do you want to mash 'em?

-No, you're sweet, you're sweet.

Go on, have a little mash.

Come on, mash, mash, mash, mash.

Come on, little mash, mash, mash, mash, eh?

Cheers, mate, nice one.

The Verminhater,

featuring a deeply disturbed pest controller,

and Elizabeth, an enchanting office temp.

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

-Yeah, pest control.

-OK.

Hi.

So I understand you've got an infestation.

Well, not you personally, the building.

If you had any medical problems,

I couldn't help you with them, but pests I can.

-I'll...

-Through here, you say?

-Yeah, I'll buzz you through.

That's it.

You've definitely got rats.

You know, I've been doing this job ten years, right?

If there's one thing I hate more than anything in the world,

-it's bloody rats.

-Me too.

I've had it with them, had it.

-Really?

-Positive, love.

Buzz us in.

METALLIC CLATTERING Where are you, you little bastards?!

THUMPING Agh, let me out! You shitbags!

Die, you son of a bitch!

You're clearly mental.

-Got the little bastard.

-Right...

-He won't be bothering you again.

What am I supposed to do with that mess now?

-Afternoon.

-Bye.

# Ben, the two of us need look no more

# We both found what we were looking for

# With a friend to call my own

# I'll never be alone

# And you, my friend, will see

# You've got a friend in me

# You've got a friend in me... #

Slaphead,

starring a man who seeks completion

and canine stylist, Rachael.

Hello.

What are you doing?

It's OK, I'm Gay,

featuring a gay stereotype,

the delicious Dichell

and her boyfriend, Nizar.

Dichell has set her boyfriend up

because he gets too jealous when other guys pay her attention.

She's brought him along to this boutique store

to meet style guru Mikael,

but Nizar has no need to worry because he's clearly gay...or is he?

Look at those hips!

You are a lucky boy, you are!

It's OK, I'm gay.

I think that's going fit you like a glove, that.

A very sexy glove, I have to say.

Oh, thank you.

-I might as well try it.

-Go on, pop it in here, let me put you in here.

Fantastic.

So have you got any exciting plans for t'weekend?

I have a surprise, yeah, but she doesn't know it yet,

so I can't say it out loud right now.

Ah! Did you hear that?

Oh, are you decent in there?

Oh! She's not.

That's a lovely pair, that is.

Hey!

Pop that mirror back, let's have a look.

She's got great breasts, hasn't she?

I tell you what. Your nipples are the perkiest nipples

I've ever seen in my life.

No, they are! They're like little bullets.

It's OK, I'm gay.

It's a good fit. I just want to see what support

-you're getting there, yeah?

-Yeah.

Wow, look at that.

Hmm?

Fabulous.

I've got a better suggestion for you if that's OK.

Are you open to suggestions?

-Yeah. Why not?

-Right, bear with me one second.

-Thank you.

-Mick! Mick!

-You take your time, love.

-Hey! Geezer!

-Right, what shall we do?

-What are you doing here?

I've got a little surprise for you.

-What?

-You know that bird you pulled last Saturday?

-Jesus Christ.

-I've got photos of her.

Look at that.

-Jesus fuck...

-Shoosh! Yeah, we were at it like bloody rabbits that night.

Those are beautiful, actually.

Have a look at that.

I'm doing the gay thing.

Oh, that old game. That always works, don't it?

Look, you'd better fuck off.

Yeah. Good luck with that.

Right, we're going to get you out of this. We'll just get her out of this.

You're going to prefer the next one.

Right, that's it, there we go.

Right, that's it, take... Oh, there you go. There they are.

Lovely. Oh, very nice.

-Wow, they are absolutely stunning, aren't they?

-Dichell?

Absolutely stunning, all right, everything's all right, don't worry.

Best be off now.

-It's OK, I'm gay.

-So I've been told.

Can you just turn round and bend over a little bit?

-Dichell?

-Jiggly, jiggly.

-Get changed, we're going.

Jiggly, jiggly, jiggly, that's it, s'all right, no rush, don't worry.

-There is, there is.

-Don't want to tear this.

-Dichell?

-Yeah?

-Put your clothes on, we're going.

-OK, I'm just getting changed.

It's ok mate, I'm gay!

Is this any bigger than what you're used to?

-Do you want me to show you out?

-I'm fine thanks.

Let me show you out, come on, come on, take my hand.

Oh, I'm sorry, it's a bit sticky that.

Auto Recognition System of Entry.

Starring the A.R.S.E.

And special guest, the maintenance man.

-Hello?

-Welcome.

Hello?

Please state the name of the person you are here to see.

Steven Var.

You have requested Marcus Garvey.

-Is that correct?

-No.

Are you here to perform maintenance?

-Yes.

-Thank you.

Please state your name.

-Joseph.

-Joseph.

Please state your surname.

Searson.

Jamie Searson.

-Please confirm our security check.

-Oh, for...

Do you know which company Steven Var works for?

Yes.

Please choose from the following options.

Peterson Monoprint,

-is that correct?

-No.

Hammersley and Potter.

-Is that correct?

-No.

Far Cough and Die.

-Is that correct?

-Far Cough and Die?

There is really no need for abusive language.

Goodbye.

Meet the Movie Buff.

Introducing the new boyfriend.

His accomplice, Kimberly

and her dear mum and dad, Richard and Caroline.

To a lovely lunch and to finally meet the parents.

Now, pay attention, Kimberley isn't really Ross's girlfriend,

but she's told Mum and Dad that she is so he can invite them to

his house for lunch and meet them for the very first time.

Got that?

How long have you been, if you don't mind me asking?

-28 years.

-We've been married 28.

What would you say is the secret to, er, longevity?

Give and take. Take a lot.

So far, it's all going swimmingly.

So, we need to eat.

-I'm going to the loo first.

-Oh, I'll just give you two minutes.

But it's now time to talk movies.

What did you get up to last night?

Anything?

He did the usual, he fell asleep.

-I fell asleep in the chair.

-Did ya?

And what were you watching?

It was, Coronation Street?

I saw this amazing film last night.

It was like one of these... space movie

and there was this one bit where there's this bloke and...

he's got this thing stuck to his face.

I don't know how to describe it, it was like a cross between

an octopus and a spider but it was... is this ringing a bells?

-Yeah.

-Spiderman?

No, it was there and he's sat there

as if everything's gone back to normal.

The table looks similar to this.

He's there, eating these noodles like that,

and he starts goes like this.

MAKES WRETCHING NOISES

Oh, I'm sorry for laughing. Oh, God, excuse me.

Do you want a pat on the back?

SCREECHING

(Is he all right?)

Do you know what it was?

Alien.

The Canine Conundrum.

Starring a vulnerable old lady

and a kindly American gentleman.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Hello, could you just hold...

Oh, thank you, he's very big but don't worry, he won't bite at all.

Don't worry.

Thank you very much, you're very kind.

Why don't you let me pick that up?

No, I've been doing this for the last 12 years.

There's a lot here isn't there?

Can I just, let me just grab that for one second.

-Of course.

-Oh, could you just, just give that...

I've just got to get...

Thank you, there we go.

I haven't kept you too long have I?

No, I need to give them back though.

Were you going anywhere nice?

No, just home for a business call.

OK, hello?

Hello? Can I help you?

Can I help you stand up?

Can I help you stand up?

There we go.

Are you OK?

-Oh, he's a big boy, isn't he?

-Yes, here we go.

What's his name?

Here we go, this is your dog.

That's my dog?

-No, it's not my dog.

-It is.

No, I don't, I don't have a dog, what's that in your hand?

-Is that what I think it is?

-This is your dog.

-It's not my dog,

-I couldn't have a dog in my flat.

-This is your dog.

Look, I don't have a dog.

How can I have a dog?

He'd never get up my stairs and he'd eat my budgerigar.

Look, I've had enough now of you and your horrible dog.

Now, please leave me alone.

-This is your dog.

-You're pushing me to the limits, young man.

This is your dog.

I don't like dogs, I don't like cats,

I don't like frogs, I don't like ferrets.

Get that filthy mutt away from me.

-It's your dog, ma'am.

-It's not my dog.

I hate dogs, I've never liked dogs since one bit me on me bum.

I don't like gerbils, I don't like hamsters.

-Stop, stop.

-What else don't I like?

-I don't like snakes.

-This is your dog, ma'am.

Have You Got Anything For This?

Starring a medical oddity

and a confused pharmacist

Um, I've got a problem and I just wondered

basically if you've got anything for it?

It's a tiny bit embarrassing cos it's, er, it's around the, um,

back passage...

-OK.

-If you like.

Every time I try and go, or want to go, I'll try and try and try

and I just seem to... nothing will pass.

I can't pass anything, which is strange.

Nothing wants to...

-How long's this been going on?

-Nothing wants to come out.

-Three months.

-Three months?

Yeah, now, um, can I just show you something quickly.

If you could just have a look at this, have you got anything for this?

Can you see?

That... no, you need to see a doctor about this, definitely.

Is there nothing I can take that will...

No, er, this is not obviously the place for..

I haven't even been able to break wind for months.

-Yeah.

-There's such a build up of gas.

Would you put your pants on?

You shouldn't be pulling them in the shop.

Even me burps are starting to smell like farts.

Oh, it is a pain in the backside.

OK, thank you very much, thank you.

Try It Before You Buy It.

Starring a man still living in the 1980s and a hapless hifi seller.

This Machiavellian moptop, is shopping for a new stereo

and very sensibly wishes to try it before he buys it.

Can I help you?

Er, yeah, yeah, I hope so, I'm looking for a new sound system,

something that can really spit out a nice sound.

If you could just show me what you've got.

Well, we've got something like this and that amp.

Then you can go for a CD player.

Actually mate, would you mind if I were to see what she sounds like

with a bit of my own poison?

-Would that be OK?

-Yeah.

-Great.

Put that in there like that.

MUSIC: "Eye of the Tiger" By SURVIVOR

What a tune, eh?

I'm loving that mate, absolutely loving that.

The amp is good, you want to take it?

-I'll get the box, everything.

-Does it come with a remote control?

I'm a big fan of the remote. Can I try it with the remote control?

If I want to buy it, I want to try it.

Right, let's imagine I'm on the toilet,

I've got a good line of sight, I'm squishing one out.

So, I'm going to turn it up.

MUSIC GETS LOUDER

If I was to do it from like, say out here?

Where are you going? Come back in, come back in.

What about from here?

If I was like that, is that working?

All right, OK, all right.

OK, brilliant.

All right, so I need to have a look

at some CDs and then I think we'll seal the deal.

Just these, the CDs.

-Stay there!

-All right, all right, cool it, man.

It's all right, man. TURNS MUSIC UP

Right, those CDs just there, those CDs, can you just, er...

Friend, what's wrong with you? Can you go out please?

Eye of the tiger, eye of the tiger!

I've tried it, I'm not going to buy it.

My name's Ross Lee, you're on TV.

I'm Ross Lee, you're on TV, there's a camera there.

What do you mean, we're on TV?

There's a camera through here.

I knew you had!

He is clearly insane.

You fucking bastard.

# Da-da-da-da-da!

-Why did you do this?

-Because I knew you could take it.

You were brilliant, nice one mate, God bless you. Thanks a lot.

I can't believe it.

Next time on The Pranker.

Excuse me, you're not allowed to do that.

I'm showing you my tits.

Now give us a meat pie.

Fuck me, I think it's a fucking tiger, aaarghhh!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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