Episode 6 The Pranker

This programme contains strong language

Ross Lee is a practitioner of pranking, and the public his prey.

A master of mischief, this is what happens when he spins out of control

and crashes into the real world.

Take all your shit and fuck off now.

MAN SHOUTS IN PANIC

Ross, come in, Ross.

SHOUTING CONTINUES THEN STOPS ABRUPTLY

At a garden centre somewhere,

this bouffant buffoon is searching for a new barbeque.

-All right, mate.

-Can you do us a favour, pal? Can you show me how this works?

-Turn it on.

Oh, right, it's gas. If I'm going to buy it, I need to try it, you know?

Am I all right just having a look at it for a couple of minutes,

-before I decide, then I'll give you a shout?

-No worries.

Are you having a laugh? Get it off.

-Get what off?

-Take all that stuff off.

-They're nearly ready these, look.

-Take them off and get out.

-Have a beer, chill out, relax, come on.

-Take all your shit...

Look, I'm not going to buy it if I've not tried it, here you are.

I don't care, take your stuff and go.

-Are you a vegetarian?

-No, no, shut up and get out.

Come on, what's wrong with you? It's a bit ungrateful.

Here I am cooking us some burgers, what am I supposed to put them in?

Here, would you say that were cooked?

Look, take your hat. Now, you see that exit? Go, now.

-Because...

-Go now.

-Because I need to...

-Go now.

Cos, could I have a sausage?

-Go away.

-Look, right, if you buy a car, if you buy a car,

sometimes you've got to test drive the actual car,

do you know what I mean?

-Do us a favour.

-Yeah?

Fuck off now and take your fucking stuff!

Meanwhile, across town...

I was just wondering if you could help me.

I've got this bit of a problem,

and I was just wondering if, if you've got anything for it.

OK.

It's a bit embarrassing, it's a lump that's come up on my chest.

Well, I say a lump, it's more like, more like two lumps.

-Right.

-Is it all right, can I show you?

-Sure.

-Is that OK? Let me just..

Right, have you got anything for this?

Definitely not.

No.

-How long has that been there?

-Well, couple of months now.

-Have you been to a doctor about it?

-Not yet, no.

You certainly need to go.

When I get cold, they shrink,

they retract sort of into my... into my body.

This is something I've never seen.

Certainly there will be no creams for that.

OK, the other thing I've noticed, I don't know if it's related, is, if I cough,

they sort of rise upwards and then drop down.

If you watch...

What do you think it might be?

Could be some sort of tumourous growth,

maybe not a deadly cancer, but some sort of growth.

You can't treat this over the counter.

So why would it be then that every time I listen to, say, hip hop music

I get a strong urge to hold them?

I don't know. No, I don't. No idea.

-Strange.

-Yeah.

OK, well, thank you so much for trying to help me.

-I appreciate that.

-No problem, it's fine.

-Thanks, it's driving me nuts but, um,

-thank you very much.

-OK.

New age Ross is house hunting

and it's Neil's job to sell him one,

but Ross is more interested in what the spirits have to say.

Do you know why the current owners are renting the place out?

-No.

-Do you know if they've been happy?

-I imagine they have, yeah.

-Yeah?

Yeah, I mean it looks like a happy house, so...

I'm sensing something quite sad that took place.

Do you want to look upstairs?

Great.

There's many spirits in this room,

there's a beautiful lady that I can see here, called Rosemary.

Right.

-Rosemary, she thinks we should take the place.

-That's good, yeah.

In fact, Neil,

could you just give me one minute on my own in the room,

just to deal with the spirit, just to get a feel for the energy?

-Yeah.

-Thank you, thank you.

I need to get some pictures,

-I'm just going to quickly set up downstairs, so...

-OK, OK.

MAN: And so, the next thing I realised was I was there and I was going, "Oh, yeah, here you are."

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

INAUDIBLE

..steps, and there was this chair, and I was going...

Fuck, Ross, what you doing, man? Oh, Ross.

Ah...aahhh!

Oh, fuck!

ROSS CONTINUES TO MUTTER TO HIMSELF

Dan, you've got to get here, mate,

this guy's a fuck... he's got like skulls and shit.

Dan, you've got to come here quick, man.

The geezer's just like...

Dan, seriously, mate, you'd better come here now.

ROSS SQUAWKS AND GRUNTS

Oh, Dan, man, this geezer's just fucking...

Shall I ring the police?

Oh, I'm going to ring the police, mate.

Look what you've done to the landlord's sheet!

Ross, what you doing? Ross, we've got to go, we've got to leave.

ROSS SHRIEKS

HE MAKES ANIMAL NOISES

You can't do this.

HE SHRIEKS

Ross?

SHRIEKING AND GROANING

Ross, you've got to get up, you've got to leave.

You know, I don't want to be negative, but I don't think this is the right house for me.

That's fine. Mate, we've got to go though, seriously, you can't...

Hello, Darren?

I need somewhere with a bigger downstairs toilet, yeah?

-Right, OK.

-OK.

Featuring Mikael, the gay stereotype.

..And her boyfriend, Mark.

-How are you both today? Are you all right?

-Yeah, we're fine.

Georgina has set up her boyfriend, Mark,

because he turns into a green-eyed monster when other chaps pay her attention.

She's brought him along to enjoy a massage.

He's no need to stress

because masseuse Mikael is very obviously gay...ish.

Mmm! That's lovely, I could eat you alive.

Here, look at him looking a bit bad tempered.

-What? No, I'm, I've never said...

-It's OK.

A bloke sniffing me missus's neck.

-Know what I mean?

-No, it's OK, I'm gay.

-Oh, right.

-You see around this area here...

-Yeah.

-..there's definitely a knot.

Now, listen, I'm just going to try something here. If you don't mind...

Oh, yeah, does that feel any different?

It does, it feels more supported.

If that weight is lifted up then you're going to feel less pressure.

Pop yourself behind that screen, right.

I'm going to give you something that just might help - be a bit more comfortable for you.

Oh, right.

There you go, right.

Before you put that on,

-I just want to take a photograph, right.

-Yeah.

What? What's that for?

Well, what it is, she can then look at the picture

and she can see how she's holding herself.

She can also see where the stress lines are, right?

So, stand up nice and straight.

-Right, just put one hand on your hip, that's it.

-On her hip?

Come on. That's it, that's it, there we go.

Some nice, relaxing music should do the trick.

MUSIC STARTS

What I need to do is film this treatment, this process.

-Yes.

-Is that all right? So...

Sounds like a porno movie.

Move your hips a bit... Right, how does that feel?

-What do you mean, move her hips?

-Are you all right there?

Not really.

You will be, don't you worry.

I'm just going to pop that over there, you relax.

There we go. Right, OK, right, take that off.

Oh, fantastic, aren't they? They're really soft.

What, what are you touching?

-You what, mate?

-"You what, mate." What you touching? What's really soft?

It's OK, I'm gay.

Fuck me, if you're gay, I'm the queen.

-There we go, pull that.

-Pull what?

Do you want to just come round the screen slowly?

That's it. Oh, fantastic, how does that feel?

-Feels great.

-Right, right. Listen now.

-Walk slowly towards the camera.

-Something ain't right here.

-Just relax, calm down.

-How can I relax when you're filming my missus dressed like that

to bloody porno music?

It's couples massage music, don't you worry.

-Bollocks! Go get fucking changed.

-I'm just going to get down low here right, there we go, right.

Go and get fucking changed.

Walk past. Slower, slower.

What?! Do you feel better now, do you?

It's OK, I'm gay.

MAN: Oh, yeah.

..Featuring an average northern man requiring refreshment

and a bemused Brazilian barman.

'Ey up, mate, um, just a pint of dandelion and burdock, please, mate.

Burdock... Sorry, I've just been talking to my manager

and we don't have any of that at the moment.

Are you telling me you haven't got any dandelion and burdock?

-Yes, that's what I've been told.

-What is it that you're really after?

Whatever you want to drink I can offer you.

I want a pint of dandelion and burdock

and I know what you want.

It's written all over your face.

You men, you're all the same!

OK, if that's the way that you want to play it,

let's do it,

let's have it your way.

# Sometimes it's hard

# To be a woman... #

Are you happy now?

Fine, here we go, are you watching this?

Just for you.

But a deal is a deal, yeah?

There we go.

Yeah?

There you go, mate, now you've got what you want,

can I please have what I want?

If you can cover these for me, that would be great,

I'll try to help you.

Are you seriously trying to tell me that you didn't want to see these things?

I don't want to see them.

You really should stop leading people on, all right?

Presenting a local man with an unusual sideline in frozen goods

and an innocent handyman who's just here to fix the ceiling.

HE WHISTLES

DOORBELL RINGS

Hello, Bill, your handyman.

Ah, hey up, mate, how are you?

This is the job in hand, two little holes here just need filling

-and if you can paint it, would be perfect.

-Right.

Just going to nip to the little man's room,

just to spend a penny.

TRICKLING

Phew, that's a strong one, isn't it?

Woah, lovely.

Let's get these little puppies in the freezer,

get them getting nice and hard, solidifying.

-So is that a sideline that you do?

-Exactly that.

The kids go absolutely mad for them. We've all

got what it takes to be able to produce these things,

it's just a matter of putting your mind to it.

Actually, I'm being ever so rude here. Would you like one?

-I'll try it.

-Yeah, go on. There you go.

What's in that?

It's a pisspop.

A pisspop?

No! Is that why you keep going to the toilet?

Is that what you make it from?

-Special recipe.

-Oh, bloody hell!

-Listen, mate, do you want me to tell you all about pisspops?

-No, you carry on, it's all right.

Come on, that's it.

I've got something to show you, Bill, and I've got something to tell you,

because I am only going to say this the once.

# Pisspops

# Pisspops

# Frozen golden wonder flowing over your chops

# Lapping up a lovely as your temperature drops

# Pisspops, pisspops

# You want refreshment in the stifling heat

# Your tongues are reaching out for my frozen treat

# So icy hard it never slips when it drips

# Our teeth are gleaming as it tingles our lips

# Pisspops, pisspops

# Frozen golden wonder flowing over your chops

# Lapping up the lovely as your temperature drops

# Pisspops, pisspops

# There was a sad, sad time

# When I was down and out

# I'd spent my every penny

-# I was in a drought

-Ah!

# My well had run so dry

# And all the kids were sad

# Not one last pisspop

# At the bottom of my nads

# How did I escape those dire straights?

What did you do?

# I had a few more pints

# And I opened up the gates

# Pisspops, pisspops

# You're in for a sugar puffy potpourri

# Plenty here for you and me

# When we wee wee wee

# Pisspops, pisspops

-# Oh, how we love them

-Pisspops

# Pisspops

# Pisspo-ps

Pisspops! #

Starring a man who's mangled his tiny mind with drugs

and a fishmonger in for a sexy treat.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ON HIS HEADPHONES

Ey-up, mate. Just one sec, I can't get the bloody music off. Hang on.

-There we go. How you doing?

-I'm fine. How are you doing today?

All right. I'm after a fish, believe it or not.

That looks bloody good, that one. What's that one?

-It's called tilapia.

-Look at the eyeballs. They're like on stalks, man, aren't they?

It looks like that fish has been larging it all weekend.

I could really, really fall in love with that fish.

Hey, come here. Come here, beautiful.

Hey, where've you been all me life?

-Are you going to buy the fish, man?

-This isn't a fish, it's a mermaid.

Wow!

-You're beautiful.

-Ross, you're making me so wet!

Come here and kiss me, you skinny little monkey.

Come on!

Make love to me, right here, right now.

Bloody hell! Where do I put it?

Oh!

Oh!

Eew!

Oh, Ross, you're the best lover I've ever had.

Yeah, I've never made love to a half-woman, half-fish...fish...fish...

Whoa-ho-ho!

Flashback!

There you go, mate. Cheers.

Starring the head of security at a disused factory.

And special guest, Jay.

It's Jay's first day on the job and it's up to the boss to show him the ropes.

Just us two today. Adam's just gone.

The only real ball-ache about this job

is there's got to be someone in this control room at all times.

Of course.

So, Jay, I'm just going to do the rounds, right? See you in a bit.

Right, if you look at the monitor, you can I'm in sector one. Over.

Yeah, I see you loud and clear, loud and clear.

Ross to Jay. I'm now in what we call sector two.

I receive. I see you loud and clear, loud and clear.

Peace out. Over.

Over.

Yeah, I see you in sector three now.

I tell you what, it's not rocket science, is it, mate?

No, definitely not.

Ross? Come in.

Hello. Over.

Sector one. I've just seen a TIGER in sector one.

You what, mate?

I just saw a tiger in sector one.

Eh, fuck off, mate. Are you over it, like, you?

What, like a cat, a stray cat? A moggy?

No, mate, a big moggy.

Trust me, a big tiger - it had the stripes and everything. Over.

Well, I'll go and have a look for a big stray cat then, shall I?

Be careful. Over.

Let's have a look, er...

Oh, what a surprise(!) It's, er, negative on the tiger

and I'll have whatever you're smoking, mate. Over.

I'm not funny, mate, it's serious.

I did see it. I swear, I did see it.

ROSS LAUGHS

Knobhead! Over.

That was fucked up!

I'm just going to go for a quick piss now, all right? Over.

Received. Over.

That was fucked up!

CAMERA CLICKS

Oh, you bastard!

Ross, come in, Ross.

Hang on, mate. I'm having a piss, hang on!

There's definitely a tiger. I just saw it. Three times it's come back on our screen, man.

Fuck off, mate. A joke's a joke, innit?

Ross, come in, Ross.

Yeah, Jay.

Right, the tiger's in there, mate.

Oh, come on. This is getting a bit boring now, yeah?

This is actually my job. I've got to take it a little bit seriously.

I mean, I've seen foxes and all that, but tigers? Come on.

Ross, what is behind that post in front of you?

All I can see is a bit of empty space, mate.

What, and darkness?

Yeah, yeah, darkness. Going into the darkness now.

Nothing going on, nothing to report...

TIGER ROARS Fuck me, there's a fucking tiger!

Oh, my God, it is...!

Fucking hell!

TIGER ROARS

Ross, come in, Ross.

CONFUSED RACKET COMES OVER RADIO

Ross, come in, Ross.

TIGER ROARS

Ross, come in, Ross.

Starring an entire restaurant that's wise to the wind up

and the beautifully oblivious Stephanie.

Stephanie's friends have set her up on a blind date from hell.

What lovely friends(!)

Cousin Dan says, "Oh, you'll bloody love her, she looks just like Pink."

-You're better looking than Pink.

-Oh, shush! Er...

So far, they're enjoying the restaurant

but Ross has chosen it because he has a score to settle.

My mum and dad were only here last week in this restaurant

but me mum came in that night absolutely crying her eyes out.

Me mum heard the chef go,

"This is for the old lady over there that looks like a bulldog chewing a wasp."

He's not looking for romance, he's looking for revenge.

Are you ready for your order?

Sorry, I just appear to have, er...ripped the, er...

-Oh.

-I must've caught it under the bread.

-Sorry about that. Can I give you that back?

-Yeah, don't worry, that's OK.

-Right, do you know what you're...

-Yeah, can I have the tuna and shrimp, please?

Two of those. I'll have the same, thank you very much.

-Tuna and shrimp.

-Fantastic. Thank you very much.

-And tuna and shrimp pizza for you as well.

-Thank you.

-Enjoy.

-Thank you.

-That's great.

It's like a little, tiny blow torch, right?

-Oh, don't.

-No, that's all right. Look at that.

See what...

Wow, look at that.

Excuse me. Hi. This pizza, it's all burnt in the middle.

Look at that, it's rock-hard. Can I swap that, please, for a...

-Yeah, sure, so...

-It's almost like you've got a very small cooker in there

and it's concentrated on one bit of the pizza.

-Right...

-No...

-We're going to get some Champagne now.

-No.

-Trust me.

All you've got to do is bang me on my back. Ready?

-HE MAKES CHOKING SOUND

-No, don't. Please.

Just bang me.

Excuse me, are you OK? You all right?

-Oh, my goodness!

-What's that?

What on earth is that doing in my pizza? A Monopoly house.

-It looks like a Monopoly house.

-I don't even play Monopoly

How much is that worth in Monopoly? I don't know.

Can I offer you something as a, you know...

-Yes, please.

-..to say sorry, basically.

It's a result, isn't it?

If you say so.

I'm just going to go to the lavatory. I'll be right back.

Oh, no! I'm not...

I just got this out of toilet.

Sssh! Amazing.

-Did I get your feet?

-No.

-OK.

I don't know about you but I'm going to get out of here, right?

-This is a plan.

-No, stop it. I'm not having anything else to do with it.

-This is the restaurant.

-Ridiculous.

-Do you see where we are? We're there.

I'll go down here, cause a distraction

and then we're out of here.

And you just need to follow me, OK?

-No, I'm not doing anything.

-You ready?

-No.

Stephanie.

HE COUGHS

EXPLOSION

Come on! What you waiting...? Text us!

You have been watching...

You're on a hidden camera show for BBC Three.

Eh?

Round of applause.

CHEERING

Oh, you joker! You joker!

You're on a new BBC Three hidden camera show.

CHEERING

Why did I deserve it?

Because we just needed you to have some fun.

You're on a hidden camera show on BBC Three.

You're a fucking prick!

-And you're right, I'm not actually gay.

-And you!

Oh, fucking hell!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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