Scarecrow This Country


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Scarecrow

Mockumentary exploring the lives of young people in modern rural Britain. Kurtan is focusing his attentions on the annual village scarecrow festival.


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Transcript


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This programme contains strong language

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Over there, we saw Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen once,

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and once in the shop,

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and once up Burleigh Hill, riding his bike, didn't we?

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-And in the Co-op.

-Yeah.

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Because I was walking in the Co-op and he was coming out and I said,

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"After you," and he said, "No, after you."

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He's so humble.

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So humble, and I asked him, I said to him,

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"When do we get to see you back on our screens,

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"because it's a crying shame I don't get to see you as often?"

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And he just shrugged.

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He just shrugged like that.

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Such a shame.

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So, this is my cousin, Kurtan.

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But not only is he my cousin,

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he's my best mate as well, because he's the only person I can share a

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box of Celebrations with.

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Tell them why.

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Because I love the Bounties, but I won't touch anything else.

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She cannot stand Bounties but she'll eat the rest of them.

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So, nothing goes to waste.

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-So he'll literally just come round my house, won't you?

-Yeah.

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And just hoover up all the Bounties.

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That's what I do, yeah.

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I like the underdog.

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The thing is, I don't even like Bounties that much,

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I just feel sorry for them because they're always left.

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Yeah.

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Well, I've known Kerry and Kurtan, on and off, for 12 years now.

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I think they're great kids, really.

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Give it!

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Don't be a fucking dick.

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I do think they sometimes resort to

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a lot of effing and jeffing and

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that's something we've been working on, actively, a lot,

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especially over the last couple of years and I feel like

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they've made great strides forward.

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Last week,

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I don't think they used the F word once.

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We had the C word a couple of times but, I mean,

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that really is an improvement on what had gone before.

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Scarecrow Festival is the most important day of the year.

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That's the beautiful thing about living in the village.

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Everyone comes together on days like Scarecrow Festival and just forgets

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their utter hatred of each other.

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Everyone in the village makes their own scarecrow and they put them out

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anywhere around the village.

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Yeah, and basically, there's an independent adjudicator goes round

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-and he judges them.

-No, does not.

-Yeah, he does.

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It's a public voting system now, cos they changed the rules.

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-No, it's not.

-Yes, they did.

-They didn't.

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If you read the Gazette last week, you would know.

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I spoke to the vicar myself as well.

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Oh, I don't care, I find it sad.

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Oh, having a picture of your winning scarecrow on the front of

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the Gazette is sad, is it?

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Didn't think so.

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So anyway, it's a public voting system and you get

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designated pitches.

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So, my pitch is on the village green this year, which is one of the best

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pitches and then you have little forms, so you go around and then

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you can tick which one, which is your favourite and then you put it

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in the box at the end of the day and the winner gets a

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hot-air balloon ride for two.

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And I ain't taking you on it.

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I don't want to go on it, anyway.

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I'm taking my nan.

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He'll tell you that the Scarecrow Festival is all fun and games,

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but it ain't for me.

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For me, the Scarecrow Festival is just asking for trouble,

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cos everyone who's anyone's going to be there and there are people

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from my past that would love to see me slain.

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I've got enemies everywhere.

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I've got enemies in South Cerney, I've got enemies in North Cerney,

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I've got enemies in Cerney Wick.

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I've got enemies in Bourton-on-the-Water.

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There's a tea rooms there and under the counter

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they've got a panic button

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and if I take one step inside, they can press that.

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The police will be there in three minutes.

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Isn't that right?

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If I'm walking through the village,

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people in cars actually slam their foot down on the accelerator,

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because they want to get through the village as fast as they can

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without getting into a confrontation with me.

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Because if they stop off at traffic lights,

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I'll just knock on their window and I go, "What you looking at, mate?"

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What?

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What?

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What? Why?

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For what?

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I don't go to school any more.

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Where the hell is he getting these vouchers from?

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Cos they discontinued them, like, ten years ago.

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How is that my fault?

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I don't understand.

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I cannot win.

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This is just ridiculous.

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I don't live here, this is Kerry's house.

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I live with my nan, just round there.

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Oh, shit, it's Slugs, look.

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Oh, you're joking.

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Oh, he WhatsApped me the other day

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asking us to go laser quest with him and I...

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-What did you say?

-Well, I clicked on it by accident, didn't I?

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So he knows I've seen it.

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Oh, sake!

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The thing is, he'll just trap you for ages, he'll never leave.

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I should feel sorry for him because he's got terminal cancer,

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but he's so utterly annoying.

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It's like, if you want to have a bucket list, that's fine,

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but don't just drag us into it. Do you know what I mean?

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It's all right, he's going the other way. He's going the other way.

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Thank Christ for that.

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So, it's about 15 quid a head.

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That includes two sessions of laser quest and a minibus there and back,

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but I am going to need the deposit now.

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Oh, I just...

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Hello?

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Oh, your mum's shouting.

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Just coming now.

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-Yeah.

-But have a really...I hope you enjoy yourself.

-Cheers, mate.

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Cheers though, mate. Thanks for thinking of us.

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Yeah. See you later.

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So, today's the day of the Scarecrow Festival and I've got a bad feeling.

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Mark my words, something bad is going to happen to me today.

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Da!

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That's my dad, that is.

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Dad!

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You all right, Dad?

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All right?

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What have you been up to then?

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Just taking the kids out.

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Right.

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Is it all right if I come over yours later?

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Nah.

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I ain't seen you in ages, Dad.

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Yeah, yeah...but I've got to go, Kerr.

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-All right.

-Come on, my kiddo.

-See you.

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That's my dad.

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That was my dad, that was.

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-Did you see my dad, Kurtan?

-Yeah.

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He's going to the festival as well.

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What did he say?

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He said, erm,

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I can come over to his later, if I want.

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Did he?

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Yeah, but I think I might be busy tonight, so...

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I might not go.

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The Scarecrow Festival is just a bit of fun really.

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It's a tradition that's been going since I was a boy and it's great

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to see everyone in the village getting involved.

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Hey! This man is an absolute legend, ain't you, Vicar?

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And we're his favourite as well.

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Yeah, you absolutely love us, don't you Vicar?

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Yeah, he's smiling cos he knows it.

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This guy here taught me how to control my temper.

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Simmer down, you two.

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Oi, tell them about when we got para in the park and you had to

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-come pick us up.

-Yeah, I had to get my stomach pumped as well, didn't I?

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That wasn't funny, that was very scary.

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He loves Midsomer Murders, don't you, Vicar?

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-Yeah, he loves it.

-He gets so mad if he misses one.

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And if he doesn't record it on Sky planner, he goes mental, don't you?

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I love Midsomer Murders.

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He loves his golf as well.

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-John Nettles is my favourite.

-Don't start him on golf.

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What a laugh.

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You're such a laugh.

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Your Majesty!

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That's where you get the scarecrow maps from.

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The plant stall, over there.

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Don't buy anything from there, cos they'll die in a week anyway.

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That is the sign of a very lazy scarecrow maker

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and I'll tell you why.

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Cos he can't be bothered to form the hands, that's a pet hate of mine.

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Technically, not a scarecrow, cos there's no hay on it.

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Not a drop of hay in sight.

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It's just a rag on a stick.

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I mean, I get it, but it's not making me feel nothing.

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Look at this.

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This is a monstrosity.

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I mean...I think...I know this is Len's as well.

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He's a good scarecrow maker, but he's embarrassed himself this year

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with that. I mean, I'm laughing, but for all the wrong reasons.

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-All right, Len?

-All right?

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-What do you reckon?

-Pretty good, yeah.

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Take that grin off your face.

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You're grinning. Don't grin.

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I'm not grinning, Len.

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I think it's great, mate, honestly.

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-Good.

-I reckon I've got a chance this year.

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OK.

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You believe whatever you want to believe, that's fine.

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Well, I do believe, all right?

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Yeah. All right, whatever.

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Len, I'm not going to get into a fight with you today, all right?

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All right.

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I'll tell you why I'm going to win this year.

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Cos I've got the best scarecrow and I've got the best pitch in the

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village, because my pitch is in the centre of the festival.

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Nathan Daniels had that pitch last year and he won and, honestly,

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his scarecrow was the biggest pile of shit I've ever seen.

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It was meant to be Beetlejuice, yeah?

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But, fuck me, did it look like Kerry.

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Exterminate!

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Excuse me, sorry.

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What's going on?

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Excuse me, this is my pitch.

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Exterminate! Exterminate!

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Yeah, very funny.

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-Don't make me move it myself please, mate.

-Exterminate!

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Mate,

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can you just be serious?

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This is my pitch, yeah.

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You don't understand, Vicar.

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He's on my pitch, yeah.

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The pitch I booked three months ago with Mrs Wicks.

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Well, there must be some kind of mix-up,

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because according to this sheet,

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your pitch is on Trowley Bottom Farm.

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-That's bullshit!

-Less of the effing and jeffing, please.

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Sorry for swearing, but that is fucking bullshit.

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Why would I choose Trowley Bottom Farm when a) no punters could be

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bothered to walk all the way down there and b) it stinks of pig shit

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cos it's on a fucking pig farm.

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I'm sorry for swearing, but this is fucked up.

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Kurtan, this is your last warning on the swearing.

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I'm really sorry, but it's too late to change anything now.

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Your pitch is on Trowley Bottom Farm.

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No, absolutely not.

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No way. There's no chance I am going to Trowley Bottom Farm.

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That's the end of it. I ain't talking about it no more, Vicar.

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How am I going to get any votes being down here?

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It's baffling. I'm baffled by the entire situation, if I'm honest.

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Badly organised by the vicar.

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Major fuck-up.

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Kurtan can get very competitive.

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Like, we had to do this sponsored swim at school and he was just

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obsessed with raising the most money for it,

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so he actually stole our nan's bank card and withdrew 500 quid,

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which meant that she couldn't get her teeth done.

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Well?

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-What?

-Did you tell people to come down?

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-Yeah.

-Yeah?

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The thing is though, it's buzzing up there.

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-It really is buzzing.

-All right, yeah.

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-It's that Dalek though.

-Yeah.

-It is brilliant.

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-It's just so...

-Yeah, he's brilliant.

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-It's so funny, right. I had a picture taken with him.

-Yeah.

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-If you take that and just scroll to the left.

-Great, yeah.

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-Brilliant. Oh, that's a great one.

-Isn't it?

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That's another good one. I love it.

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I love them all. That one especially.

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Brilliant!

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What the actual fuck?

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What the actual fuck?

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You have fucking lost your head, mate.

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You have lost your fucking head.

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I swear to God, if my phone is smashed, you are paying for that.

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Dickhead!

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To be honest, when Kurtan gets like this he's a fucking psycho.

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Levi? Who's is that?

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-June's.

-Where is she?

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Getting a cup of tea.

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It doesn't matter what anyone tells you,

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everyone's here for one reason and that's to win.

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Sometimes you just got to throw someone else under the bus to save

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yourself, especially if they're old and stupid, like June.

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Roll up! Right, come on.

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Guys, have you seen this?

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Have you got your voting slip there?

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-A voting slip?

-Voting slip. You can get them from the stall for £1.

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Go back and get one from there and then come straight back here,

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I'll tell you what to do, yeah? Quick!

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Hello! Over here!

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Vote for me!

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Have you got your voting slips?

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Yes, right. OK, so what you want to do, put the cross as Kurtan,

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-that's my one there.

-Yeah.

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Vote that one for the winner.

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Yeah, that's it, hide behind the little Dalek.

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You are a massive bell end.

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Ow, don't fucking... Yeah?

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When I get hold of you, I swear to God I will fucking deck you.

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-SHE SIGHS

-Fuck's sake, Kurtan.

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Every year he's like this.

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Yes, I swore at David in the Dalek but listen,

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it was only cos I saw him stealing money out of a charity bucket

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that was going around. So I'm actually proud I swore at him.

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That's a very serious allegation you're making.

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-Yeah, I know.

-If you're not telling the truth,

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you could be in serious trouble.

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Yeah. I know.

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But if you are telling me the truth,

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we need to go to the police station immediately.

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Do you understand?

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Yeah.

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Are you telling me the truth?

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No.

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Excuse me, Vicar.

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-Everything OK, June?

-I went to get a cup of tea and I left my scarecrow

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and when I got back it just...

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I don't know where it's gone.

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Well, it can't have gone far, I'm sure.

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-Shall we have a look for it?

-It was over there. It's just gone.

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Maybe it got moved, someone got confused about the pitch.

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-Well, who would have moved it, Vicar?

-We'll have a look.

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June stitched me up right royally but that just spurs

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me on, mate, cos if they want to play dirty, that's fine by me.

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I've got a few tricks up my sleeve, I'm telling you now.

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-PHONE RINGS

-Can you hear that?

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Ah!

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Hello? Mum!

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Why are you crying?

0:14:450:14:46

They've done what?

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Sick bastard!

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It's all right, Mum, calm down, yeah?

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I'm on my way now, OK?

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All right. Bye.

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Someone's just been throwing plums at my house.

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I'm going to kill them.

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I can't believe it. I can't believe it.

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-SHE GASPS

-All over this.

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Plumming on here, plumming on that.

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Plum on the sofa, look!

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There's nothing left that hasn't been plummed.

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Oh, my gosh.

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I knew this would happen.

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Can you see what it's like to be me now?

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I've had a target on my back since the day I was born.

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Right, that's your bag there

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and the field's just down there on the right, OK?

0:15:380:15:40

-Thank you very much.

-Thank you very much, enjoy your free potatoes.

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-All right, Len?

-Is this right?

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Someone said something about free potatoes.

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Yeah, you got your voting slip there?

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-What?

-Voting slip.

-Oh.

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Yes, yes, that one there.

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Right, that's my name there.

0:15:550:15:57

All you've got to do, yeah, pop that in the box at the end of the day.

0:15:570:16:01

Here's your bag and you can help yourself to as many free potatoes.

0:16:010:16:04

-Yeah.

-Just down there on the right, big field in front of you, right?

0:16:040:16:08

All right.

0:16:080:16:09

Cheers, Len. But don't forget to put the slip in the box, yeah?

0:16:090:16:12

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:16:120:16:13

I can trust you, Len, yeah?

0:16:150:16:16

Yes.

0:16:160:16:18

You all right, sir, happy?

0:16:180:16:20

Yeah. Nice little jacket potatoes for tonight for the wife.

0:16:200:16:23

Thank you very much, your vote is much appreciated.

0:16:230:16:25

So, Mr Jenkins says you were giving away bags and bags of potatoes.

0:16:280:16:32

No. That's a total exaggeration.

0:16:320:16:35

It was like five potatoes, not even that.

0:16:350:16:38

And he also said you sold one of his pigs for £200.

0:16:380:16:42

No.

0:16:430:16:45

Mr Phillips, right, gave me 200 quid for no reason.

0:16:450:16:47

-Right.

-Yeah? And the pig just followed him out the gate.

0:16:470:16:51

-And into his Land Rover?

-Yes.

0:16:520:16:55

Plumming someone's house is one of the most disrespectful things

0:17:020:17:05

you can do.

0:17:050:17:06

I'm going to get the lads together and sort this out cos I've got my

0:17:060:17:09

reputation to think about.

0:17:090:17:11

I'm so livid. I'm honestly absolutely raging.

0:17:110:17:15

I'm going to find out who done that and I'm going to kill them.

0:17:150:17:17

End of. No-one messes with Kerry.

0:17:170:17:19

-You know what I'm like, Big Mac, don't you?

-Yeah.

0:17:190:17:21

Kerry has a lot of mates that are in year seven and below because

0:17:210:17:28

she likes to think that she can control them and that they do what

0:17:280:17:32

she asks, which is a bit sad actually

0:17:320:17:36

and a bit weird, I think.

0:17:360:17:38

I think a lot of their parents are a bit worried about it.

0:17:380:17:40

Tell them what you found out, Levi.

0:17:400:17:42

-I found out who...

-Yeah, basically Levi found out who plummed my house.

0:17:420:17:45

-Tell them who it was, Levi.

-It was...

0:17:450:17:47

Yeah, it was some nasty thugs from Crillington who just moved into

0:17:470:17:50

the area and they found out about my reputation

0:17:500:17:52

and they want to challenge me.

0:17:520:17:54

So I'm telling you now, Levi,

0:17:540:17:55

tell them to meet me in the park at 3:00 and they can bring weapons if

0:17:550:17:59

they want, if they're too scared to fight fist to fist.

0:17:590:18:01

You lot know my repetition, don't you?

0:18:020:18:05

-ALL:

-Yeah.

0:18:050:18:06

You're... These lot are scared of me, aren't you?

0:18:060:18:08

Yeah.

0:18:080:18:09

I want you to apologise to Mr Jenkins now.

0:18:180:18:21

Sorry, Jenkins!

0:18:230:18:25

You're this close to not being in the competition at all.

0:18:250:18:27

Yeah, and you're this close to me dropping you right now, son.

0:18:270:18:30

-Right, that's it, you're disqualified.

-Him or me?

0:18:300:18:32

-Don't be smart with me, Kurtan.

-Just fuck off, Vicar.

0:18:320:18:34

Right, you're disqualified, that's the end of it. Come on, George.

0:18:340:18:38

Well done, Jenkins. Got what you wanted, did you?

0:18:380:18:40

I'm fine. Why would I not be fine?

0:18:460:18:48

It's just a dumb scarecrow festival.

0:18:480:18:50

Who cares? I just thought I'd spend every day for three months crafting

0:18:500:18:54

it. Even spent all my savings on getting orchard grass so I wouldn't

0:18:540:18:58

get hay mites, not that anyone cares.

0:18:580:19:00

I don't care.

0:19:000:19:02

I never even stood a chance cos the whole village was just waiting

0:19:020:19:05

to fuck me over.

0:19:050:19:06

You know what? Let's see who makes front page of the Gazette now,

0:19:070:19:10

shall we?

0:19:100:19:11

Guys, simmer down.

0:19:130:19:15

Simmer down. 'In this village,

0:19:150:19:17

'people respect me because I'm as hard as fuck.'

0:19:170:19:19

If five nasty thugs from Crillington want to rumble, I say bring it on.

0:19:190:19:23

Frampton!

0:19:230:19:24

Stop it now. Just cos your parents are divorcing,

0:19:240:19:26

don't take it out on everyone else.

0:19:260:19:28

Sorry, Vicar, is something the matter?

0:19:310:19:33

Er...there's been a bit of an incident and I couldn't...

0:19:330:19:36

Sorry, excuse me. June, have you seen Kurtan anywhere?

0:19:360:19:40

Ooh, not since lunchtime.

0:19:400:19:41

Is everything all right?

0:19:410:19:42

It's just, I spoke to Mrs Wicks

0:19:420:19:44

and he had booked that pitch that David had his Dalek on,

0:19:440:19:47

she jotted it on the back of a list.

0:19:470:19:49

Oh, dear.

0:19:490:19:50

I might just go and check and see if he's down on the farm.

0:19:500:19:53

-If you see him, will you send him my way?

-Mmm.

0:19:530:19:55

It's quarter past three now and they still ain't showed.

0:19:590:20:01

That's telling, innit? They're obviously bricking it.

0:20:010:20:04

I'm actually gutted for these kiddies cos they was expecting

0:20:040:20:07

a scrap today, weren't you?

0:20:070:20:09

That little kiddy over there, that little fella, you like a scrap,

0:20:090:20:13

don't you, mate?

0:20:130:20:14

And they're going to miss out on that cos someone's too scared

0:20:150:20:17

to show up but what can I do?

0:20:170:20:19

Kerry!

0:20:210:20:23

Fuck's sake, Slugs, I said I'm not going laser quest with you.

0:20:230:20:26

What you doing here?

0:20:260:20:27

I know who plummed your house.

0:20:270:20:28

Yeah, so do I, it was some nasty thugs from Crillington apparently.

0:20:280:20:32

No, it was Levi.

0:20:320:20:33

No, it wasn't.

0:20:360:20:37

Yeah, it was. Lucas Tanner filmed it, put it on Facebook.

0:20:370:20:39

Levi, why would you plum my house, you little maggot?

0:20:430:20:46

That's bang out of order.

0:20:460:20:47

Cos you said it'd make you look dangerous in front of the TV people.

0:20:470:20:50

Do you know how small your brain is?

0:20:560:20:59

That is the last time I ask you to do anything for me and that face

0:20:590:21:02

paint of a tiger, everybody's saying been behind your back how stupid it

0:21:020:21:06

looks as well.

0:21:060:21:07

Everyone.

0:21:070:21:08

Thanks, everyone, for a brilliant day.

0:21:170:21:20

It's been a really strong year this year and we've managed to raise

0:21:200:21:26

£342 for the William Weston Foundation, so really, well done.

0:21:260:21:31

Now, before I announce the winners,

0:21:340:21:36

I'd just like to say I've created another category this year for best

0:21:360:21:41

effort. I know how hard this person has worked and it's been a really

0:21:410:21:46

testing day for him but despite that,

0:21:460:21:49

his scarecrow was really excellent.

0:21:490:21:52

So I'd like to award Kurtan for best effort.

0:21:520:21:57

Well done, Kurtan.

0:21:570:21:58

Where is he? Has anyone seen Kurtan?

0:21:590:22:01

Is he here?

0:22:010:22:05

No sign of Kurtan?

0:22:050:22:06

Water!

0:22:110:22:12

Water!

0:22:130:22:14

CROWD SQUEALS

0:22:150:22:18

For goodness' sake, June, get some more water, now!

0:22:200:22:23

Has anyone called the fire brigade?

0:22:290:22:31

Good, thank you.

0:22:310:22:33

Len, do something.

0:22:330:22:35

Let someone else do it.

0:22:350:22:36

They're still going with them plums, Kerr.

0:22:550:22:57

-Oh, they'll get bored in a minute.

-Look at this.

0:22:570:22:59

Front-page, that's me.

0:22:590:23:02

What did the police say?

0:23:020:23:03

Basically got a caution and I've got to attend a fire-safety course at

0:23:030:23:07

the community college next week.

0:23:070:23:09

And I'm banned from making, handling and competing with any scarecrows.

0:23:090:23:13

Oh, shit, you all right, mate?

0:23:130:23:15

I don't give a fuck, Kerr.

0:23:150:23:16

Cos there's a vegetable show at the village hall next week

0:23:160:23:18

and I've got a runner bean that's the size of a scarf laid out

0:23:180:23:21

-on the floor.

-Yeah?

-And a lettuce that's literally

0:23:210:23:23

going to fuck this competition up the ass, hard and dry.

0:23:230:23:25

Pff!

0:23:250:23:26

Kurtan is focusing his attentions on the annual village scarecrow festival, a key event in the village calendar that can both unite and divide the community.

Tensions run high when his chances of winning the competition are compromised by being given a less than ideal plot to display his scarecrow. Meanwhile, Kerry faces a challenge to her authority.