Peeping Tom This Country


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Peeping Tom

Mockumentary exploring the lives of young people in modern rural Britain. Kerry's father, Martin, is accused of being a peeping Tom.


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This programme contains strong language

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FLAT FANFARE PLAYS

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Got that from Bitza.

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Shut up, please!

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Can you just stop stressing out?

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You've been stressed all morning.

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He's getting so stressed out cos this family's moved in

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across the way and he's just perving at the daughter all morning.

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-I'm not perving! I'm not perving!

-You are. He is.

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I'm evaluating the situation, yeah,

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before I make my move, so shut up.

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There she is now.

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Oh, wow.

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Wowee, she's stunning, in't she?

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And it's fate her moving across the street.

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Oh, look, that's Slugs, look.

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God, he scrubs up well, don't he?

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What's he doing?

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Oh, he's snaking me, he's getting there before I am!

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Look, he's got his wallet on his chain out,

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and that's your thing as well.

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That's my... That's what I do, innit?

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He's pulling my pants down right now.

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I got to get down there. Right.

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-Ker, got any Lynx?

-Yeah, in the bathroom.

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Bathroom.

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LONG, FLAT NOTE PLAYS

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Two quid, that was.

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And...she threw in that as well.

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Love that.

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'The problem with finding a girlfriend in the village is that

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'most of the girls you meet round here are old-age pensioners.'

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Hey.

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Hey. Kurtan.

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Kayleigh.

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So...do you have a boyfriend?

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Bloody hell, Slugs, slow down, mate.

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Let the girl move in first.

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Do you want to go out on a date?

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Again, Slugs, she doesn't want to go on a date cos she's just moved in

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and especially not with you.

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She might. Would you like to go out on a date?

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Yeah.

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What about me? Do you want to go on a date with me?

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-Yeah?

-OK.

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OK? Great.

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-Where would you like this?

-It's all right, I'll take it in for you.

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I picked it up first, so I'll take it in.

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All right, well, we'll just take it in together, then.

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'Yeah, I am looking for a relationship, but thing is'

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I've just got so many trust issues, yeah,

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with being fucked over massive in the past,

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so no matter how much I get close to someone now

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I'm thinking in the back of my head,

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"Shit, am I going to get fucked over?"

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Because I've been fucked over in the past massively.

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My last relationship proper fucked me up.

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I asked out Kirsty Taylor, right, on the way down the Hampton Court,

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only for my best mate Jack Russell to snake me.

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I thought I was your best mate?

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No, my best mate in woodwork class.

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So, I got car sick on the way back...

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Yeah, I was in your woodwork class.

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-Yeah.

-Yeah.

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I got car sick on the way back so I had to sit at the front with

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Mr Perkins while Kirsty Taylor got with Jack Russell on the back seat.

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Yeah, even though he bought her a magnet from the gift shop.

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-No, it wasn't a magnet.

-It was a magnet.

-No, it wasn't a magnet.

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-It was.

-It wasn't a magnet.

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It was a bookmark with all the queens on it.

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PLAYS LONG, FLAT NOTE

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Thing is, that should be annoying me right now, but...

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look how much pleasure she's getting from that.

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I went through a really dark phase, didn't I, Ker?

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Listening to Papa Roach and just blowing everything up

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-with them little French bangers.

-He did, yeah.

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What?

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What?

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Who?

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The vicar?

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The vicar?

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Kerry's dad?

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Shut up, you don't know what you're talking about!

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Do you know what? This is utter slander.

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Stop saying that about my dad!

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DOOR SLAMS

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The shit has hit the fan.

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He is a peeper, though, to be fair.

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Kurtan, I heard that!

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'I don't like the man. I know he's my uncle, but I don't like him.'

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And I don't like what he does to Ker.

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Like, he don't give a rat's arse about her because she's a girl.

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And all he's ever wanted is to bore a son

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so he can teach him how to concrete.

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And Kerry's like a dog.

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No matter how hard you kick her, yeah,

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she will still come back wagging.

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Harsh.

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Just saying.

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You're all right, though, ain't you?

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Yeah.

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So I've just been to my dad's, but he wasn't there

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because his girlfriend, Sandra, kicked him out.

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And he's living in a caravan at the moment.

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I'm just going to be there for him, no matter what.

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Just like he's been there for me.

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Even though that has been hard for him to be there for me, to be fair,

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because he has darts on a Wednesday and skittles on a Thursday.

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And the weekends are a write-off because he likes his me-time.

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I needed the toilet, right.

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-I was desperate cos I'd had four points down the Keeper's.

-Yeah.

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So I went in the bushes by the ladies tennis club

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and some meddling old tart only goes and calls the police,

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and said I'm peeping on her.

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And I was aroused.

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I weren't aroused, just well-endowed.

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-Yeah.

-You can't shoot a man for being well-endowed, Ker.

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-No.

-Now they're pressing charges.

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Sandra's kicked me out.

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The darts team don't want to know.

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I went in the pub yesterday, all turned their back on me, even Alan.

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-Even Alan?

-My life's in bloody tatters, Ker.

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Absolute tatters.

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I'm in this bloody caravan without a pot to piss in.

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It's just malicious lies, that's all it is.

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They're jealous of what God give me downstairs.

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-Yeah.

-And now I've got nothing left.

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-You've got me, Dad.

-Nothing left.

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I peeped once, in '78, and I didn't like it.

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I didn't like it one slice.

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-No.

-And I vowed to myself to never peep again.

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Yeah.

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Tell a lie, I peeped just once more.

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Just to make sure I didn't like it.

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That was in '89. And I didn't like it that time, neither.

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-No.

-I mean, I'm a milkman by trade, Ker.

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Don't you think I've got better things to do?

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It's all right, Dad, the truth has to out.

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No, it don't, Ker. The next thing you know

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you get a call from the police who say

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they've got CCTV footage that absolutely nails you

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and your DNA all over a tennis racket cover.

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I'm sorry, Ker, but it's an absolute stitch-up.

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It's all right, I'll look after you, Dad.

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THUD!

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SHOUTING OUTSIDE Oi!

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Ah, leave it, Ker.

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Leave it.

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It's only Alan.

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Bloody Alan. Fucking little snake.

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So, basically, Slugs is going to have his date with Kayleigh

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just before my date with her, which actually works in my favour,

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because he'll be setting the bar very, very low.

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And by the time I get there I'll be like a knight in shining armour

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and she'll be like the damsel in distress

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and she'll just come running into my arms.

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And if I have to, I will punch him,

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just to make sure Kayleigh knows she's safe...

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..but that will be easy cos it'll be like punching a turkey

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or any other flightless bird.

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That's sweet, innit?

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That reminds me of Kayleigh cos it looks so cute.

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Oh, here he comes, slithering in, snake in the grass.

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'Thing is with Kayleigh, yeah,

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'is that she's got to accept I'm damaged goods

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'and we will have to take it slow,

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'but time does heal even the most cruellest of hearts.'

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I'm not saying I've got a cruel heart,

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but if she ain't willing to take me as I am

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rather than the monster I've become, then she can literally just jog on

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back to sea with all the other fish cos I don't care.

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God, you still haven't made your mind up?

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Jeez. It's just a date, mate.

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That's all it is. You're not meeting the Queen.

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'Me and Kayleigh, we're like Beauty and the Beast, yeah?'

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And I'm like the Beast, cos the Beast has got massive trust issues

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with being fucked over massive in the past, yeah?

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And Slugs is like Gaston...

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'No, he's worse than Gaston,

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'he's like Gaston's fat, horrible little sidekick

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'that follows him around everywhere.

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'Like, what I love about Kayleigh is the fact

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'that she's so sweet and she's so bubbly.'

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Her going on a date with Slugs, I don't mind. Like, most blokes

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would go absolutely mad, and, like, fly off the handle about it.

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'But I don't mind, I'm chilled,

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'because at the end of the day I know she's only doing it'

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cos she's so kind that she doesn't want to hurt his feelings.

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Is that what you're getting?

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I didn't say anything.

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'What do you look for in a boyfriend?

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'Like, clean...'

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Got their own car.

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Cos I had a boyfriend once, but...

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..like, by the end, I was just giving him lifts everywhere.

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I mean, I love the way she looks, but I actually love her personality

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just as much because she'll light up a room.

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'If there was a group of people, you would just see her from a mile off

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'because she just stands out because she's got so much energy'

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and, yeah, that's why I love her, I think.

0:09:580:10:00

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard Flight 730

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departing Los Angeles International.

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This is your captain Martin Mucklowe speaking.

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Our flight time today will be 12 hours and we should be arriving

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at Frankfurt at approximately 1600 hours local time.

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I shall now pass you over to my co-pilot Kerry,

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who has some information on the weather.

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Hello, this is Kerry, your co-pilot, speaking.

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The weather on our route is good

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and the forecast is it'll be sunny in Frankfurt when we arrive.

0:10:270:10:30

'Well, I think that Kerry would like a closer relationship with her dad,'

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but, to be fair to Martin...

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..he tries.

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I don't need to work, Ker.

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My bank is the fruity at the Keeper's.

0:10:410:10:43

-Right.

-When you get two nudges on the cherries, hit the cancel,

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take the Mega Trail.

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Won't pay out jackpot but it'll give you a tenner.

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Put the tenner back in, and on the next hold, hold them all.

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Jackpot.

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I cost the landlord 50 grand a year.

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And there's nothing he can do about it.

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'My dad's a legend in this village.'

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Once I was walking up Purley Crescent

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and these like smackheads from Swindon

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were about to start on me, to mug me.

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And I go, "Hang on a sec, do you know who my dad is?"

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And they go, "It's not Martin Mucklowe, is it?"

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And I go, "Yeah, it is." And they go, "Oh, sorry, mate."

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And they go, "Oh, your dad's a legend, by the way."

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And I go, "Yeah, I know."

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PLAYS LONG, FLAT NOTE

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What do you think of that?

0:11:310:11:33

Use the diaphragm.

0:11:330:11:34

I mean, my lungs are so strong I could blow up a hot water bottle.

0:11:340:11:38

Cor!

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And watch again.

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PLAYS LONG, FLAT NOTE

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Something you won't know, Ker, is the last Thursday of every month

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I used to play pool with Fred West.

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-What?

-I know he's done some iffy things,

0:12:030:12:06

but as a builder he was top-notch,

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best in the West Country.

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-Really?

-We'd say, "West, best in the West."

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And he'd laugh, he'd say, "Stop, Martin!"

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He could hold four bits of four-by-four, one-handed.

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And there's only one other bloke that can do that...

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and that's my old man.

0:12:240:12:26

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen,

0:12:320:12:34

we've started our descent into Frankfurt Airport

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and we should be arriving 15 minutes ahead of schedule.

0:12:360:12:40

Now I'd like to pass you over to my co-pilot Kerry

0:12:400:12:43

for an update on the weather.

0:12:430:12:44

Hello, this is Kerry speaking.

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The weather in Frankfurt is 21 degrees Celsius.

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We wish you a pleasant stay in Frankfurt

0:12:490:12:51

and we hope to see you all again soon

0:12:510:12:53

and on behalf of all of our crew,

0:12:530:12:55

thank you for choosing Martin Mucklowe Airlines

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as your airline today.

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Right, off to bed, you.

0:13:010:13:03

We've got a return flight from Frankfurt to Los Angeles

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in approximately five hours and 42 minutes.

0:13:060:13:09

Roger that. I love you, Dad.

0:13:090:13:11

Yeah.

0:13:130:13:14

'The key to dating, yeah, is the two Rs and the three Ts.

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'Respect, rapport, and talking, talking, talking.'

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Don't ever let that ball hit the ground.

0:13:290:13:32

'Good relationships are built on great conversation.'

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-Plastering...

-Right, time's up, fuck off.

0:13:350:13:38

On a date, you've got to tell them all the interesting stuff about you,

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because that's what they'll be interested in.

0:14:100:14:12

BIRDSONG

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KAYLEIGH SNIFFS

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I don't smoke, I vape.

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I said, I don't smoke, I vape.

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I went to this vaping exhibition, with my cousin, Kerry.

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At the NEC and there was about 10,000 of us just vaping.

0:14:400:14:45

Yeah, I was on the bus the other day, yeah, and...

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..I was sitting at the back of the bus

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and the bus driver suddenly stopped the bus, yeah, and goes...

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and he walked all the way down, and goes to me,

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"You can't smoke on here."

0:15:090:15:11

Guess what I was doing.

0:15:110:15:13

-Vaping.

-Vaping, yeah.

0:15:150:15:17

-Yeah, that's him.

-ENGINE STARTS

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That's good, good girl, yeah, that's him.

0:15:220:15:25

All right, then.

0:15:250:15:27

That's it, back her up, back her up, easy with her.

0:15:280:15:32

That's it, she's biting.

0:15:320:15:34

She's biting, go on. That's it, she's biting.

0:15:360:15:39

Keep going, easy on the clutch, though.

0:15:390:15:41

Easy on the clutch. Get that right, yeah, the timing, Ker.

0:15:430:15:47

DOG BARKS

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What sort of dog do you reckon that is?

0:15:540:15:57

He said to me, he goes, "You can't smoke on here."

0:16:010:16:03

I said, "I'm not smoking, I'm vaping."

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The look on his face when I said that.

0:16:060:16:08

I don't think he knew what vaping... what a vape is.

0:16:080:16:12

I think it's a Labrador.

0:16:140:16:15

That's better. That's it, that's good.

0:16:230:16:27

Go on, my son, yeah, that's better.

0:16:270:16:29

Yeah, well done.

0:16:300:16:32

Well done, my son.

0:16:340:16:36

Oh...

0:16:390:16:40

..that's for you as well.

0:16:420:16:43

Look how cute that is.

0:16:510:16:53

Yeah, open it up.

0:16:570:16:58

Read that.

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"You would make me the happiest mouse

0:17:060:17:09

"if you say yes and become my spouse."

0:17:090:17:13

'Yes, I've only known Kayleigh for one day,'

0:17:250:17:28

but things move fast in the village. If you don't snap up your girl fast,

0:17:280:17:32

some other fella might come sniffing round it.

0:17:320:17:34

If I was a dog, I'd piss on her.

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Not in a harsh way, but just to mark my territory

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and warn off other fellas.

0:17:430:17:44

Right, let me show you how to blind someone in a fight.

0:17:460:17:49

-Ker!

-Oi, I told you I don't want to see you,

0:17:490:17:52

I'm spending time with my dad.

0:17:520:17:54

Kayleigh, this is my cousin Kerry.

0:17:540:17:56

And this is my uncle Martin.

0:17:560:17:58

Much obliged.

0:17:580:17:59

Is it all right if Kayleigh has a piss in your caravan?

0:18:020:18:04

Yeah, but use the toilet, though.

0:18:040:18:06

Go on, then.

0:18:070:18:08

-Oi, how's it going?

-I think I bloody love her, Ker.

0:18:160:18:19

-Really?

-She's so bubbly.

0:18:190:18:21

Got her eating out of the palm of my hand as well.

0:18:210:18:23

She loves the fact I vape.

0:18:230:18:25

-But you don't vape.

-I know, but she don't know that.

0:18:250:18:27

That's it. Where's she off?

0:18:270:18:29

Kayleigh?

0:18:290:18:30

Kayleigh!

0:18:310:18:33

-What the fuck?

-Well, I didn't do nothing.

0:18:330:18:35

Oh, my God.

0:18:350:18:37

You peeped on her, didn't you?

0:18:380:18:39

-No, I never.

-Kurts...

-You're a dirty peeper.

0:18:390:18:42

Oh, Kurts, no, he ain't.

0:18:420:18:43

-Don't say stuff like that.

-He's a dirty peeping bastard.

0:18:430:18:46

-Shut your mouth.

-That's what you are. Everyone knows it, even Alan.

0:18:460:18:49

-I was doing so well, Ker.

-Leave it, all right?

-Bye-bye, little boy.

0:18:490:18:51

-Now he's pissed on it, you peeper.

-Oh, please, Kurt.

0:18:510:18:54

Wait till Alan finds out about this.

0:18:540:18:55

Kayleigh! Kayleigh!

0:18:550:18:58

You dirty peeping bastard!

0:18:590:19:01

Kayleigh!

0:19:030:19:05

So what did happen, then?

0:19:090:19:11

I was over where you are making a squash.

0:19:110:19:14

And before I know it she bolts out the door like a feral pig.

0:19:140:19:18

So you did nothing at all, Dad?

0:19:180:19:20

Nothing, Ker. You do believe me, don't you?

0:19:200:19:23

Look, I wasn't going to tell you this

0:19:240:19:26

but I'll bloody well have to now.

0:19:260:19:27

I'm flying to Australia this weekend and I want you to come with me.

0:19:270:19:30

What, as co-pilot?

0:19:300:19:32

No, as captain, dipstick.

0:19:320:19:34

You're joking!

0:19:340:19:36

Right, let's get the map out and plan the route.

0:19:360:19:38

-Start here.

-Heathrow?

-Yeah, that's right.

0:19:400:19:43

And then we'll stop over at Singapore.

0:19:430:19:45

-Right.

-Stretch our legs.

0:19:450:19:47

And then we'll carry on to Brisbane if the weather holds.

0:19:470:19:49

How does that sound?

0:19:490:19:51

It sounds like the best day of my life, to be honest, Dad.

0:19:510:19:54

PHONE RINGS

0:19:540:19:56

Yep.

0:19:560:19:57

Speaking.

0:19:570:19:59

Right.

0:19:590:20:00

OK. Yeah.

0:20:000:20:02

Right, OK. Thanks very much.

0:20:030:20:06

Bye now.

0:20:060:20:07

They've only gone and bloody dropped the charges, Ker.

0:20:100:20:12

You're joking me!

0:20:120:20:14

Bloody Sandra'll be sorry for kicking me out.

0:20:140:20:17

-Turning her back on me.

-Oh, Sandra's an idiot, Dad.

0:20:170:20:19

I never turn my back on you, do I? Just us two now, yeah, Dad?

0:20:190:20:22

Hey, are you going to get the beers in, then, or what?

0:20:220:20:25

Yeah, I was just saying, though, just us two now, yeah, Dad?

0:20:250:20:28

Shop'll be shut in half hour.

0:20:280:20:30

Yeah, sorry, Dad.

0:20:300:20:32

COINS CLINK Yeah.

0:20:320:20:34

Right, see you in a minute, then.

0:20:350:20:37

'I am raging now.

0:20:490:20:51

'I'm proper raging, mate.'

0:20:510:20:53

Kayleigh!

0:20:530:20:54

I've been looking everywhere for you.

0:20:540:20:57

-You all right?

-Yeah.

0:20:570:20:58

-Did he touch you?

-Who?

0:20:590:21:02

-Kerry's dad.

-No.

0:21:020:21:04

He peeped on you, didn't he?

0:21:050:21:06

-No.

-If he exposed himself to you, yeah,

0:21:060:21:09

I promise you I'll kill him with my own hands, yeah.

0:21:090:21:11

-He didn't.

-Well, he must have done something for you to run away,

0:21:110:21:15

because that just doesn't happen.

0:21:150:21:18

All right? Here's a tip, Kurtan,

0:21:180:21:20

next time you take a chick out on a date, don't bore her to tears.

0:21:200:21:24

As if.

0:21:250:21:26

Kayleigh, did I bore you to tears?

0:21:260:21:28

Oh, my God.

0:21:320:21:33

You ran away cos I was boring you?

0:21:340:21:36

Is this a joke?

0:21:370:21:38

Look, let me take you out tomorrow, yeah, and we can just like...

0:21:400:21:43

-I can't.

-Why?

0:21:430:21:45

I got a boyfriend.

0:21:450:21:46

Who?

0:21:480:21:49

Slugs?

0:21:520:21:53

Seriously?

0:21:580:22:00

Oh, my God.

0:22:000:22:01

I told my nan about you and everything.

0:22:010:22:04

She was so excited about meeting you.

0:22:040:22:06

Fuck...

0:22:080:22:09

Roses are red

0:22:110:22:12

Violets are blue

0:22:120:22:13

I've got five fingers

0:22:130:22:14

The third one's for you.

0:22:140:22:16

And you.

0:22:160:22:18

Fucking hell.

0:22:180:22:19

Did you see that there? I am glad I'm out of that now.

0:22:210:22:24

Utter poison, the pair of them.

0:22:240:22:26

Fucking hell.

0:22:260:22:27

Dodged a bullet there, I think.

0:22:330:22:35

Thing is now, though, I feel bad for calling Martin a dirty peeper.

0:22:350:22:39

Do you know what? He might not even be a peeper after all.

0:22:400:22:43

But if he is, he's probably just a part-time peeper.

0:22:430:22:47

I just don't know why you'd say it.

0:22:500:22:51

I know, I said I'm sorry, though, Ker.

0:22:510:22:53

Yeah, but it's not me you need to apologise to, it's my dad.

0:22:530:22:56

-Yeah, I will.

-So why did she run away, anyway?

0:22:560:22:58

Well...I didn't want to say, but apparently you gave her the creeps.

0:22:580:23:03

-What? Why?

-Your face creeped her out.

0:23:030:23:05

So as much as I've got to apologise to you and your dad,

0:23:050:23:08

you've actually got to apologise to me.

0:23:080:23:11

All right, well, sorry, Kurts.

0:23:110:23:13

-Forgiven.

-Dad, Kurtan's got something to say to you.

0:23:130:23:16

What are you doing?

0:23:170:23:19

-Just packing.

-What, for our flight to Australia?

0:23:190:23:23

-Yeah.

-It's a simulator, Dad, you don't need to pack a bag.

0:23:230:23:26

Hang on. What's this?

0:23:260:23:27

"Gone back to Sandra, cheers, all the best."

0:23:290:23:31

-You're going back Sandra's?

-Yeah.

0:23:310:23:33

But aren't we going to do our flight to Australia?

0:23:330:23:36

-No.

-But I thought it was just me and you now, Dad.

0:23:360:23:39

Ah, I got to go.

0:23:390:23:40

-You ain't going anywhere, mate.

-Get out of my way, pipe cleaner.

0:23:400:23:43

You can't do this to Ker.

0:23:430:23:44

You'd be letting her down again.

0:23:440:23:46

-Again.

-I don't need this.

0:23:460:23:48

-Fuck off.

-Don't fight.

-Don't touch me, mate.

0:23:480:23:50

-I'm going to lay you out.

-Come on, then! Come on.

-No, stop it.

0:23:500:23:53

Right. I'll knock you out.

0:23:530:23:56

Yeah, just try it, mate. Come on, then, Charlie large potatoes.

0:23:560:23:59

I don't land the first punch, I play Gypsy rules.

0:23:590:24:01

Yeah, well, so do I.

0:24:010:24:03

You're going to fight, are you?

0:24:030:24:05

-Still kick you, though.

-Pathetic.

0:24:060:24:09

Cock.

0:24:090:24:10

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard Flight 730

0:24:180:24:21

departing London Heathrow.

0:24:210:24:23

This is your captain Kerry Mucklowe speaking.

0:24:230:24:25

Our flight time is 24 hours and should arrive in Brisbane

0:24:250:24:28

at approximately 1100 hours local time.

0:24:280:24:31

This is a solo flight.

0:24:340:24:35

Don't let Sandra know,

0:24:400:24:42

but on the last Thursday of every month I shag Alan's wife senseless.

0:24:420:24:47

He says, "Martin, I can't get it up no more,

0:24:470:24:49

"you're hung like an oxen..."

0:24:490:24:50

-Yeah.

-"..so give her a good stuffing to stop her nagging."

0:24:500:24:54

And that's exactly what I does.

0:24:540:24:56

I gives her the full works.

0:24:560:24:57

Alan occasionally comes in to get a pair of socks but personally I think

0:24:570:25:02

he just comes in to see how I does it.

0:25:020:25:04

And afterwards we all go down the Keeper's and he buys me a pint.

0:25:040:25:08

Kerry's father, Martin, is accused of being a peeping Tom. Meanwhile, Kurtan romantically pursues a girl who has just moved into the village, but he finds he has a rival for her affections in his friend Slugs.