Episode 1 Tracey Ullman's Show

This programme contains some strong language

Coming soon to BBC One,

award-winning inaudible television in Another Mumbly Drama.

THEY MUMBLE INCOHERENTLY

SHE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY

DISTORTED MUMBLING

I'm sorry, I don't understand what you're saying!

DISTORTED MUMBLING

Can you say that again...?

SHE SIGHS

SHE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY

God.

# When I was small I used to dance in my mother's bedroom

# Then I grew up and did it again

# And basically I'm still doing the same show

# I did in my mother's bedroom and I'll do it till the bitter end

# Cos it's my Tracey Ullman Show

# Tracey Ullman show

# Let's do the show Let's go

# Tracey Ullman show

# Tracey Ullman Tracey Ullman

# Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey

# Tracey Ullman Show Let's go. #

Come along, Coriolanus.

Oh.

Oh. You want to do your business, do you?

Well, let's make sure we do it properly, shall we?

That's it. Pop it in a bag and then, one, two, three...

Excuse me. Did you do what I think you just did?

Well, I hardly think that, being a national treasure,

I would walk this path every day

and hurl dog eggs into the woodland canopy, just for kicks.

I'm Dame Judi Dench.

-I don't care.

-What?

This is Hampstead, you lot are ten a penny.

Over there lives Glenda Jackson, Charlotte Rampling, Melvyn Bragg.

-That's right, he's a sweetie.

-Just because you're a national treasure

doesn't mean to say that you can do what you like.

What do you want? Money?

Or do you want tickets for a limited run by Ken Branagh?

No. I want you to accompany me to the park ranger's office,

where you've got some serious explaining to do.

Excuse me, I'm frightfully sorry.

-Are you Dame...?

-Yes, yes, I'm Dame Judi Dench,

and this horrible tabloid journalist is harassing me

for innocently walking my dog across the heath.

Scum like you are everything that's wrong with this country.

Invading the privacy of a woman

who has given so much to our national life. Who do you work for?

Is it Murdoch? Is it Murdoch?

I'll tell you what's going to happen, chump...

We've got to find this guy.

The people of Britain might not know what we do, but, by God,

we've got to do it for them!

Van moving east on the A401.

-Matches description.

-Run the number plate.

Already did, boss. It's a match.

Rachel, go earn that raise.

Don't move!

He moved!

But I didn't do nothing!

Tell me what this is.

It's a card that says, "Sorry you were out."

I wasn't out. I was in, waiting for my new dishwasher.

But I pressed the bell three times, on my life I did!

He's lying. 100 volts.

Argh! All right, all right, all right.

Look, I was running two jobs behind and they never give you enough time!

Carla. I know it's annoying,

when you're in and they leave one of those cards...

But, Roger, I took the day off and waited for him.

But is this what we call proportionate response?

You're using more resources than the anti-terrorist squad next door.

Excuse me. Stand down...

Right. Here's what you're going to do.

You're going to take the dishwasher back to my house.

You will open the door using the key under the pot,

but don't tell anyone that's where I keep it.

And then you're going to plumb that baby in good

and take away the old one and all the packaging.

I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it right now.

You'd better! Or I'll get a Trident sub to use you as target practice.

Good work, everyone. But don't think you're getting the afternoon off.

THEY SIGH

Because out there somewhere is an Ocado driver

who left me a blueberry yoghurt instead of a mango one

when I clearly said no substitutions.

Cappuccino. And hot.

I hate it when you give me a lukewarm one.

And I don't want just foam, I want some actual coffee in there, please.

And hurry. And, no, don't ask me if I want a muffin.

I'm more than capable of asking for a muffin if I want a muffin.

-Name on cup?

-Must we?

Helen.

And it's been a great day here at Cheltenham,

especially for the five or six horses that weren't shot.

So, that's all from me, Clare Balding,

and back to you in the studio.

Great. I know what you're going to say, producer Sue,

my hair was all over the place.

It's been so windy, hasn't it?

Oh! Can I help? Can I groom?

Oh, you're a majestic creature, aren't you?

Oh, yes, you are!

SHE NEIGHS

Clare, I wanted to go through your diary for the week.

I'm covering Crufts, skiing, wheelchair diving,

the Lord Mayor's Show and tennis, and then tomorrow afternoon,

I'm doing religion, rugby, golf

and then I'm interviewing Princess Anne about hats.

I'm worried you're doing too much.

Oh, whatever gives you that impression, producer Sue?

Oh! Is that man filming on his phone? Hello. Can I be in it?

Thanks so much. I'm Clare Balding

and I'm going to be anchoring coverage

-on this man's phone for the next...

-Clare.

Clare, it's just that you're in everything at the moment.

All the other presenters are noticing.

Gary Lineker's rung up in tears.

Oh. Well, it's not as if I'm doing Match Of The Day.

Although I could, couldn't I, producer Sue?

Can I do Match Of The Day? I just want to help.

You're great, but you do a lot and sometimes...

Oh, God.

Can I push that buggy?

That would be helpful, wouldn't it?

Oh, let me do that.

Us Baldings have never been afraid to roll the old sleeves up.

Look at me, producer Sue.

I'm picking up litter.

You could make a TV show about tidying up the countryside.

But who would present it?

Oh! What about Claire Balding's Great British Rake-Up?

Oh, gosh, look, producer Sue!

There's a camera and I haven't even said anything into it yet.

Hello, I'm Clare Balding,

and I'm talking to you from the security camera

-in the stable yard...

-Clare.

-Yes?

I've ordered a car. I want you to get in it,

I want you to go home and I want you to get some sleep.

Yes, I suppose you're right, producer Sue.

I do have to rest sometimes, don't I?

All right, driver, you get in the back, don't worry.

Hop in the back. I'm going to drive.

Yeah. I'm just trying to be helpful.

Right, Producer Sue.

I'll see... Oh, that horse is skittish.

I'm just going to blow up its nostrils.

Steady there, I've got this, producer Sue!

It is alleged that you decanted canine faeces into plastic bags

and threw said bags into the limbs of the nearby arboreal growth.

When confronted by PC Harris, you attempted to assault him with a...

-squeaky toy.

-You know, I don't mean to disparage your colleague,

but some people make up terrible lies about those in the public eye.

Judi Dench?

I've never heard of you.

Oh, my God. Do you mean it?

I'm Dame Judi Dench.

The actor!

I'm a national treasure.

-I mainly watch sport.

-You must have seen me in something,

I'm quite ubiquitous.

-Mrs Brown?

-I don't know it.

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel?

-No.

-The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel?

-No.

-Erm...

Bond. You must have seen James Bond?

-Well, yeah.

-There you are.

But not since Timothy Dalton in Licence To Kill.

Look, this may be a long shot,

but did you see me in The Plough And The Stars at the Young Vic in 1991?

No.

Then I am lost!

I wouldn't worry too much about this.

It is technically a crime, what you did, you know?

But we don't like the paperwork.

So, sit still and we'll have you out of here in half an hour.

Yes, yes.

It wasn't me.

3,000 steps.

3,000 steps so far today.

-That's good.

-3,000 steps and it's only lunchtime.

I got this for Christmas. Well,

I bought it for myself for Christmas and I can honestly say,

I can honestly say, I mean, it's changed my life.

Do you know how many steps you've done today?

-I don't know.

-Do you know how many steps I've taken?

3,000, you just said.

3,000, but do you know how many stairs I've climbed?

-No.

-Let's take a look, shall we?

16 flights of stairs.

16 flights! I don't know how you can bear not knowing.

-Yeah.

-Oh, God, David, where are you going?

I'm just going to go make some photocopies.

Oh, yeah, but all those steps you just took.

Look, see those? They are just wasted.

Yeah, but I need to go over here, so...

Oh, you're such a mug, David.

-Why?

-If it's not been logged, I mean, why bother?

I mean, how do you know you're healthy?

Well, I go to the gym and I do a 5K every weekend,

so I'm not too bothered about it.

Jesus, stop going on about it, David. I mean, bloody hell!

# The Murdoch Bunch, the Murdoch bunch

# That's the way we all became the Murdoch bunch! #

Here's lunch!

Oh, Jerry, that looks delicious!

Oh, Prudence, call me Mum!

We're the same fricking age.

You're all my little chickadees, as far as I'm concerned.

Look at us here, all under one roof!

Oh, my heart and womb are just swelling with pride.

I'm just a little old Texas farm girl at heart.

Mum, you haven't lived on a farm since 1970.

Oh, that don't mean you ever get the smell of pig shit

out from under your nails!

Hey, Daddy, look.

Your favourite - barbecued ribs.

Liquidised, of course.

I call it a Tex-Mex smoothie.

Mmm!

Delicious. Here, give us a smacker!

Everybody, a toast to my wife.

She's so much nicer than the last one.

She was all, "Oh, Rupert,

"I want a bigger plane! Ooh!"

Well, I'm more of a bank account half-full type of a gal.

After all, if it all went away tomorrow,

I'd still have the static caravan

that Mick gave me in our divorce settlement.

It's got a chemical toilet, y'all.

-Happy anniversary, Dad.

-Yeah, happy anniversary, Dad.

-I said it first.

-I said it loudest.

-Don't copy me.

Kids, kids! You're all getting the same amount of money in the will.

So, shut the fuck up.

Hey, Rupert, you quit your cussing!

I'm sorry, Mrs Murdoch.

I love it when you call me that.

I know what else you love, you dirty cow!

Somebody do something!

Doesn't anybody know the Heimlich manoeuvre?

My mummy told me that this moment would come and that when it did,

I should just sit it out.

You're all as useless as tits on a bull!

HE GASPS

Are you all right, Dad?

Fucking Viagra.

My hero. Have another house.

Oh, poor baby.

Motorboat it out.

That's it, motorboat it out.

I've had a good life.

I know I have, and I'm grateful for it.

But there's something else.

Something I regret

and I've got to tell it before I'm gone.

-I've just got to.

-We're listening, Mum.

I wish I'd played more Candy Crush.

-What?

-What?

-I wish I'd played more Candy Crush on my phone.

But, Mum, think of all the other things you've done.

You set up a successful business, all that charity work...

Don't make the mistake I made.

Make time for Candy Crush...

..while you still can.

It won't be long now.

Buy me one of those big things that blows everything up.

They're 2.99.

-All right.

-They're too expensive.

Angela!

Mein Chancellor?

Vhere are you?

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

No, not yet. But I'm following the tracks left by

her air-comfort-soled court shoes.

Ja, I think I heard something.

I vill call you back.

SOBBING

Oh, Angela, you are eine dumkopf, you are eine loser.

You are eine pariah, you are eine blut alt frau.

You're not a stupid old woman.

-Oh, Birgit, leave me alone!

-Oh, Angela.

Where have you been? I've been looking everywhere for you.

Everybody at the Senate is waiting for you to speak.

Oh, Birgit, I had ein panic attacken again.

Oh, it was terrible.

I was sweating, sweating,

and everyone was talking over me and Vladimir Putin's mouth was going up

and down, up and down,

I just... I couldn't bear it.

Oh, dear.

Look at you. Your hair is a mess.

There's nothing left of your Born Beige lip liner.

-What's happened here?

-Oh, I was chased by one of the G8 attack dogs.

I had to wade through a duck pond and crawl under some barbed wire.

I felt like one of the poor refugees.

Birgit, what has happened to me?

I used to be the most powerful, sexy, confident, sexy, admired,

sexy, sought-after, sexy female politician on the global stage!

-And now?

-And now, wass, mein Chancellorette?

# I thought they were my friends

# I thought that we were cool

# Now I'm like the schlummy dummy no-one likes at school

# Behind my back they're laughing

# Especially the Brits

# They're like, "Angela, whatever."

# Those stupid Brexit shits

# On the refugees I acted

# The moment when I ask for help they all gang up on me

# All on my own

# Here I am

# All on my own

# Who gives a damn?

# Ratings at an all time low

# Oh, man, it makes me blue

# Oh, Birgit, baby, be a buddy

# Tell me vhat to do

# Don't let those schweine get you down

# They do not have a clue

# You're the EU anchor EU banker

-# That's why they hate you

-Too true!

# We've always worked things out

# Since we were oh so small So small!

# Dreaming of another life on the right side of the wall

# I used to be so va-va-voom

# It all was so light-hearted

# Now when I walk into a room it's like, "Mein Gott, who farted?"

# All on my own

-# No, you're not, my Chancellorette

-Here I am

-# All on my own

-Nein, nein

# Here I am I give a damn

# Up scheisse creek with no paddle

# They've brought me to my knees

# So now it's just the two of us

# And a million refugees

# Enough with all this boo-hoo-hoo

# Blow your snotty schauze

# Put on fresh mascara

# Get back in there and get...

ANGELA BLOWS NOSE

# Get them

ANGELA BLOWS NOSE # Get them

-# Who the star?

-Who the star?

-# You the star

-I'm the star

-# You the star

-I'm the star

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

# All on my own

# Here you go

# All on my own Do you want some?

# We will never run away We will never hide

# Get back in there, my Chancellorette

# And kick some EU backsides

# Backside

# EU backside. #

Really good session, guys, well done.

Good work today.

Oh, my God.

-Your ten o'clock's here.

-Oh!

Please, come through.

SHE WHISPERS: I'll tell you later.

-Hello. How's the week been?

-Not too good actually.

Yeah, really quite difficult.

Hmm. When you say difficult, have you, just as an example, say,

come home to find her in the front room with the dog walker

and the dog walker's on the end of the lead?

-No.

-Because that might have happened to the people you just walked past.

You can't have missed them.

She had the roots showing and he had a sweaty nose?

-I don't...

-What do you think he did?

-Erm...

-I don't.

-Come on, guess!

You're there, she's got him into a collar,

she's feeding him biscuits.

What do you think he does? You'll never guess.

-Guess though.

-I can't.

He turns, not to the wife but to the dog walker, and says,

"Michael, how could you? I thought this was our thing!"

It turns out the husband's

only been carrying on with the dog walker himself, behind her back!

So, it all kicks off.

There's a right do.

I've told them to bring the dog walker to the session next week.

Not that it'll help, but I just want to get a look at him.

You know?

Anyway. This is your time.

How have the two of you been?

I'm sorry, I don't know if I'm comfortable.

This is confidential, isn't it?

Oh, of course. This is a place of absolute trust.

This is a place where you should feel that you can say anything.

Because anything you say stays within these four walls.

Why?

What have you been up to? Something grubby?

Oh, come on! It was just one fire extinguisher.

Oh, and I took this earlier, but I was going to give it back.

Unbelievable!

You'll be charged in the morning.

You're going down for a long time.

You can't do this to me! I'm Dame Judi Dench!

I'm a national treasure! Google me!

Bing me! Ask Jeeves, if it still exists.

Oh, Judi with an I!

Call the Royal Shakespeare Company!

Somebody there will vouch for me!

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Yes?

Erm, are you the doctor?

Are you the police?

-No.

-Then I'm the doctor.

How can I help you?

-What happened to Dr Aziz?

-He's on holiday.

I am the new locum, Dr Paluzzi.

I'm a very good doctor.

For 22 years,

I was a physician to some of the world's finest sportsmen and women.

Now, what seems to be the problem?

Well, I've had this pain in my knee for the past couple of months.

OK, Tom. Can I call you Tom?

Well, it's not my name.

Well, you don't always have to use the real name.

Sometimes it's more fun not to, huh?

Now, Tom, let me ask you a question.

-Are you a winner?

-I'm not sure what you mean.

Tom, Tom, Tom. Tom, Tom, Tom...

who's not wearing a wire.

Let us speak frankly.

You want to rediscover your competitive edge,

-I want to help you. You know?

-I'd just like a less painful knee.

Oh, sure, sure, sure. That's what the paperwork is going to say.

But if, theoretically,

a lot of extra oxygen was to find its way into your blood supply,

this would not be the worst thing in the world, am I right?

Well, I'd like to feel better.

Bene, bene, bellissimo!

Now we are speaking the same language, huh?

Now, I'm going to give you some tablets on prescription

and by tablets, I mean these syringes

and when I say on prescription, I mean hidden inside this cola can.

-Is this legal?

-In a lot of ways, maybe.

It's just a perfectly normal bad knee medicine.

And that is what you tell the papers.

And if it turns out that they contain mostly amphetamines,

then I guess somebody must have changed the recipe.

The official line is that this is not a treatment you asked for.

This is not a treatment I asked for!

Perfecto! Now, you're to take this once a day, with food.

Ideally in a secluded caravan, with the blinds down.

And in no time at all, you will feel like you could take on the world.

And in terms of competitive sports, you probably could.

Oh, and you take this for your asthma.

I don't have asthma.

Well, not everybody who has asthma has asthma.

Some people only think they have asthma, but it turns out,

they just wanted to run faster.

Now, all you need to do is sign this confidentiality clause,

which I will do for you,

and you are good to go.

Oh, and Tom, if anybody asks you to pee into a cup,

best to get a friend to do it for you.

Oh, Tom,

is my next patient what you would call official looking?

Well, he's wearing a suit.

Tell him I moved to Venezuela.

Guess where I'm going today.

I'm sorry, I keep having to tell everyone this.

-Buckingham Palace.

-Oh, fantastic.

Yes, I'm going to meet the Queen.

My mum is so proud.

Congratulations.

I hope you don't mind my asking,

but is that what you're going to be wearing?

Oh, no! Oh, no. This is just for fun, no, no.

My real outfit's in here.

And that is why I believe that independence is better for you,

better for me, better for Scotland!

Aye, Nicola. We got her for you.

JK Rowling.

You arrive before me with all the tedious dreariness

of an English summer.

Better an English summer than a freezing Scottish winter,

you horrible cow!

Hi-yah!

I see you've met my Scottish terrier, wee Mhairi Black,

the MP for Paisley and Renfrewshire.

-South.

-But, Mhairi, some tea for our guest!

One bag will do for the two of us.

Aye, she's canny.

-Shortbread!

-No.

Aye, it's all avocados and quinoa for you, isn't it?

Heaven forbid you should enjoy anything Scottish.

I love this country just as much as you do.

Aye, when Edinburgh Festival's on

and all your poncey English friends are up.

But where are you come February, eh?

Sunbathing in Tenerife in your Hermes bikini!

Do you know where me and Mhairi are?

We're cutting a hole in the ice in the Firth of Forth

and swimming bare breasted beneath the bridge.

Now that's love for your country.

Look, what do you want?

Calm down, Mhairi.

I want you to get on Twitter and tell your seven billion followers

that now you're not only a supporter of Scottish independence,

-but Scottish supremacy, too! The screen.

-Aye.

Show her Operation Irn-Bru.

Imagine a world where the Scots reigned supreme.

There's not one landmark that wouldn't look better

with a tartan blanket thrown over it.

The Sydney McOpera house.

The Sporran of Liberty.

The Taj McMahal.

You're mad, Sturgeon!

For too long, we Scots have been denied any real power in Government.

Apart from the two Prime Ministers, two Chancellors of the Exchequer,

one Secretary of State for Justice, one Lord Chancellor,

one Secretary of State for Trade and Industry

and two Secretaries of State for Work and Pensions

in the past 20 years alone, eh, Nicola?!

Wheesht! Mhairi!

Now, get tweeting, or wee Mhairi will bellow her maiden speech

to parliament in your ear. Again!

Thank you, Madam Deputy Speaker...

NICOLA LAUGHS MANIACALLY

MUSIC: Scotland the Brave on bagpipes

And I ended up staying there for three months.

-Do you travel a lot?

-Well, not as much as I'd like, you know, because,

it's a bit difficult, isn't it, being single?

-Very true.

-But I did go to Sicily last year with a group

and we had a wonderful time.

Oh, I love Sicily.

The climate, the history,

the quiet strolls through the hillside villages.

Popping into a little church somewhere.

I love churches. And the wine.

Speaking of which, shall we have another bottle?

Oh, yeah! Why not?

Italy is such a wonderful country.

And as a Christian, I always...

Can we have the bill, please?

I thought we were going to have another...

It's just that I remembered I've got an early...thing.

Is it because I mentioned I'm a Christian?

No. Did you? No.

Because I know Jesus isn't very sexy and it bothers some people.

Well, not me, I was brought up a Christian.

-Oh, you were?

-I'm not one now, obviously.

It's all right.

Look, I should go.

Is everything all right, sir? I hope it wasn't anything that we...

Turns out she's a bloody Christian.

I'll get you a brandy - on the house.

Bloody hell, it's you, isn't it, from Downton?

Yes, it is.

Dame Penelope Wilton.

Well, it's been most inconvenient to be brought here,

I was in the middle of a rehearsal.

Oh, Maggie!

Thank God you're here! They've convinced themselves

that I've committed some sort of criminal infraction.

Of course, I told them I could have done no such thing.

I'm beloved by the nation, like Buckingham Palace, Blackpool Tower,

Butlin's at Bognor.

But they just wouldn't listen.

Well, Madam, do you know this lady?

I've never seen her before in my life.

But it's me, Judi!

We did the Marigold Hotels together.

Yes, and I got second billing.

You can't do this to me!

Oh, I think I can.

I'm a national treasure.

Maggie, no! Maggie...

Maggie, please!

Don't leave Judi! Maggie!

CHEERING