Browse content similar to Episode 4. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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This programme contains some strong language and adult humour. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
Coming soon to BBC One, documentaries to put you off your dinner. | 0:00:04 | 0:00:07 | |
The king's syphilis was so bad that he had open, running sores | 0:00:07 | 0:00:10 | |
pouring with pus that would pop like bubble wrap | 0:00:10 | 0:00:14 | |
every time that he crossed his legs. | 0:00:14 | 0:00:17 | |
The following year, plague swept the country, | 0:00:17 | 0:00:21 | |
causing open, putrid, festering sores, | 0:00:21 | 0:00:24 | |
all over the groin area and genitals of... | 0:00:24 | 0:00:29 | |
The Middle Ages, in quite unnecessary detail. | 0:00:29 | 0:00:32 | |
One of the crew's been sick again. | 0:00:32 | 0:00:35 | |
All right. | 0:00:35 | 0:00:36 | |
# When I was small, I used to dance in my mother's bedroom | 0:00:36 | 0:00:40 | |
# Then I grew up and did it again | 0:00:40 | 0:00:43 | |
# And basically I'm still doing the same show | 0:00:43 | 0:00:45 | |
# I did in my mother's bedroom and I'll do it to the bitter end | 0:00:45 | 0:00:49 | |
# Cos it's my Tracey Ullman Show | 0:00:49 | 0:00:54 | |
# Tracey Ullman's Show Let's do the show, let's go | 0:00:54 | 0:00:57 | |
# Tracey Ullman Show | 0:00:57 | 0:01:00 | |
# Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman | 0:01:00 | 0:01:04 | |
# Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey | 0:01:04 | 0:01:08 | |
# Tracey Ullman's Show, Let's go. # | 0:01:08 | 0:01:11 | |
So, while my time in America isn't directly relevant, | 0:01:11 | 0:01:14 | |
I think it gives me an extra layer of experience to draw on. | 0:01:14 | 0:01:18 | |
Absolutely. That's very impressive. | 0:01:18 | 0:01:20 | |
I hope I'm not blowing my own trumpet too much here. | 0:01:20 | 0:01:22 | |
If I had a trumpet this good, I'd be blowing it nonstop. | 0:01:22 | 0:01:25 | |
Look, I think we're done here. | 0:01:25 | 0:01:27 | |
Obviously, I can't say anything official right now, | 0:01:27 | 0:01:29 | |
but you should expect a phone call. | 0:01:29 | 0:01:31 | |
Thank you, I just find it so difficult to boast on my CV. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:35 | |
It's just that as a Christian, I... | 0:01:35 | 0:01:36 | |
Oh. | 0:01:36 | 0:01:38 | |
What? | 0:01:38 | 0:01:39 | |
-You're a... -Christian? | 0:01:39 | 0:01:41 | |
Yeah, OK... | 0:01:41 | 0:01:43 | |
-Is that a...? -No, not at all. | 0:01:43 | 0:01:44 | |
You don't seem to mention it anywhere here. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:47 | |
-Well, why would I? -No, fair point. | 0:01:47 | 0:01:50 | |
I'm not planning to run your polymer factory along biblical lines(!) | 0:01:50 | 0:01:54 | |
No... Could you give me a second, please? | 0:01:54 | 0:01:56 | |
Denise, may I borrow you for a second, | 0:01:59 | 0:02:00 | |
I'm just interviewing Patricia Hughes here. | 0:02:00 | 0:02:03 | |
Oh, Patricia, how wonderful to meet you. | 0:02:03 | 0:02:07 | |
Do you know, we're all so excited that you've applied for this role, | 0:02:07 | 0:02:10 | |
it's really very flattering when someone of your calibre... | 0:02:10 | 0:02:14 | |
-Oh... -Yeah. | 0:02:14 | 0:02:15 | |
-OK... -There is a problem with me being a Christian, isn't there? | 0:02:16 | 0:02:20 | |
Absolutely not... | 0:02:20 | 0:02:21 | |
Legally speaking. | 0:02:21 | 0:02:22 | |
But you both seem uncomfortable for some reason, | 0:02:22 | 0:02:26 | |
do you think that it makes me untrustworthy? | 0:02:26 | 0:02:28 | |
-No. -No. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:29 | |
Incompetent? | 0:02:29 | 0:02:31 | |
A bit weird? | 0:02:31 | 0:02:32 | |
I see... | 0:02:33 | 0:02:34 | |
Well, in that case, I'll just withdraw my application. | 0:02:34 | 0:02:38 | |
Oh, now... | 0:02:38 | 0:02:39 | |
It's funny, isn't it, it's been perfectly normal | 0:02:39 | 0:02:41 | |
to be a Christian in this country for the last 1,500 years or so. | 0:02:41 | 0:02:44 | |
-But now, well... -Really sorry about this. | 0:02:44 | 0:02:47 | |
It's fine, I forgive you. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:49 | |
-Lucky escape. -What a nutter. | 0:02:54 | 0:02:56 | |
Hello, I'm Dame Maggie Smith and this is my vlog. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:03 | |
Well, I had to keep myself in the public eye, | 0:03:03 | 0:03:05 | |
and my agent said it was this | 0:03:05 | 0:03:07 | |
or eating a kangaroo's eyeball under the gaze of two gentlemen | 0:03:07 | 0:03:10 | |
of the Geordie persuasion. | 0:03:10 | 0:03:12 | |
So today I'm giving you my top tips for actors. | 0:03:13 | 0:03:17 | |
Make sure your character walks with a cane, | 0:03:18 | 0:03:21 | |
then just before they shout action, hit the other actor, smartly, | 0:03:21 | 0:03:24 | |
on the shins, this guarantees that you'll act better than them, | 0:03:24 | 0:03:28 | |
which is the whole point. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:29 | |
Sometimes young actors say, "Oh, Dame Maggie, | 0:03:31 | 0:03:35 | |
"such a thrill to work with you, I love doing this, or that," | 0:03:35 | 0:03:38 | |
then one must say, "Why, thank you. And what have you been in?" | 0:03:38 | 0:03:42 | |
And they will tell you and you say, | 0:03:42 | 0:03:45 | |
"Oh, I saw that..." | 0:03:45 | 0:03:46 | |
Followed by a long pause. | 0:03:47 | 0:03:49 | |
You'll find they leave you alone after this. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:53 | |
Never ever do an outdoor sex scene in Scotland after September 3rd. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:59 | |
And that's everything about acting, | 0:04:01 | 0:04:02 | |
tomorrow's top tips will be on changing the magenta cartridge | 0:04:02 | 0:04:05 | |
in a Brother HL 3150 printer. | 0:04:05 | 0:04:08 | |
Good day. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:11 | |
Hello, I like the view from here, fix me up a flat white, | 0:04:13 | 0:04:18 | |
and I'll have one of those pastries. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:20 | |
But only if they taste as good as you. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:23 | |
-Name on cup? -Greg. | 0:04:24 | 0:04:26 | |
# Li-i-i-i-i-fe | 0:04:32 | 0:04:36 | |
# Is good | 0:04:36 | 0:04:40 | |
# It feels the way you know it sho-ould | 0:04:40 | 0:04:44 | |
# I'm so happy, puppies and rainbows and kittens pass by | 0:04:44 | 0:04:49 | |
# I wave to them, they all say hi | 0:04:49 | 0:04:52 | |
# Hi-i-i-i-i... # | 0:04:52 | 0:04:55 | |
Going to have to stop you there, Adele, | 0:04:55 | 0:04:57 | |
we need to go from the top and make it a bit moodier. | 0:04:57 | 0:05:01 | |
Moodier? | 0:05:01 | 0:05:02 | |
Yeah, a bit less puppies and rainbows, | 0:05:02 | 0:05:04 | |
a bit more, you know, Adele. | 0:05:04 | 0:05:08 | |
No pressure, angel, but mood, mood, mood, OK? | 0:05:08 | 0:05:11 | |
Yeah, but it's a happy song. | 0:05:11 | 0:05:13 | |
I know it is, all your new songs are happy. | 0:05:13 | 0:05:16 | |
Yeah, that's cos I am happy. | 0:05:16 | 0:05:18 | |
I've got me bubba, I've got me fella. | 0:05:18 | 0:05:21 | |
I'm happier than a bloomin' Disney Princess | 0:05:21 | 0:05:23 | |
in a bouncy bleedin' castle, ain't I? | 0:05:23 | 0:05:26 | |
How do we sell records, Adele? | 0:05:26 | 0:05:29 | |
Oh, don't do this to me. Oh, bleedin' 'ell. | 0:05:29 | 0:05:31 | |
How did you feel when you wrote your first album? | 0:05:31 | 0:05:33 | |
I was devastated, I was gutted, I was disappointed. | 0:05:33 | 0:05:36 | |
And we won best new artist. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:37 | |
What did you tap into when you wrote the follow-up? | 0:05:37 | 0:05:40 | |
A heartbreak that kept me in bed for six weeks. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:43 | |
I didn't shampoo me barnet... | 0:05:43 | 0:05:45 | |
That's Barnet Fair, hair. | 0:05:45 | 0:05:46 | |
I didn't brush me Hampsteads... | 0:05:46 | 0:05:48 | |
Hampstead heath, teeth. | 0:05:48 | 0:05:50 | |
And all I could eat was Penguin bars dipped in Nutella. | 0:05:50 | 0:05:54 | |
Yeah, Double-Choc Penguins | 0:05:54 | 0:05:56 | |
equals the bestselling album of the 21st-century. | 0:05:56 | 0:05:58 | |
You know we're going to have to go there again, Adele. | 0:05:58 | 0:06:01 | |
All right, all right, | 0:06:01 | 0:06:03 | |
I can get there, just give me a minute. | 0:06:03 | 0:06:05 | |
Where's all me photos? | 0:06:06 | 0:06:08 | |
I had Terry delete them all. | 0:06:08 | 0:06:10 | |
Even me screensaver of the baby with the shampoo horns? | 0:06:10 | 0:06:13 | |
-Gone. -But I love looking at that, that's not fair. | 0:06:13 | 0:06:17 | |
You've made me go all sad now. | 0:06:17 | 0:06:19 | |
That's it, hold that feeling, let's cement it. | 0:06:19 | 0:06:21 | |
Terry, call Carl now. | 0:06:21 | 0:06:23 | |
Oh. No, no, don't make me go there. | 0:06:24 | 0:06:27 | |
Destination? | 0:06:29 | 0:06:30 | |
Tottenham Hale Retail Park. | 0:06:31 | 0:06:34 | |
Fuck a duck. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:37 | |
Oh, Bernice, Sir Richard Appleworth is here | 0:06:41 | 0:06:43 | |
from the UK Charities Commission. | 0:06:43 | 0:06:45 | |
Would you like me to stay and take notes? | 0:06:45 | 0:06:47 | |
No, Sherry, no. Go, go, go, manipulate. Manipulate. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:51 | |
Oh, and Sherry, you need to get me a top-notch Royal | 0:06:51 | 0:06:54 | |
for our charity gala. | 0:06:54 | 0:06:55 | |
Now, don't let them palm us off with this Duke of Kent... | 0:06:55 | 0:06:58 | |
He looks like the tsar that was shot with all the kids, it's creepy. | 0:06:58 | 0:07:01 | |
Go, go, go, manipulate. | 0:07:01 | 0:07:03 | |
Sir Richard, yoo-hoo, over here, over here. | 0:07:03 | 0:07:05 | |
-Do I have to curtsy? -Of course not. | 0:07:07 | 0:07:10 | |
So you get a knighthood over here by kissing some asses and | 0:07:10 | 0:07:12 | |
raising money for the riff raff, right? | 0:07:12 | 0:07:14 | |
That's what I do in New York and nobody calls me a lady. | 0:07:14 | 0:07:17 | |
You want Earl Grey? | 0:07:19 | 0:07:21 | |
Spit from heaven. | 0:07:21 | 0:07:23 | |
My ministers think we should swap ideas. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:26 | |
Yeah, right, I know all the tricks, | 0:07:26 | 0:07:28 | |
I went to a charity gala for an incurable kids' disease here | 0:07:28 | 0:07:32 | |
the other night, and your auctioneer, | 0:07:32 | 0:07:34 | |
he let a hot-air balloon trip over Peter-bo-roe | 0:07:34 | 0:07:38 | |
go for under a thousand guineas? | 0:07:38 | 0:07:40 | |
Oh, my God. | 0:07:40 | 0:07:43 | |
In New York we would have had the sick kids | 0:07:43 | 0:07:45 | |
circling, circling the table. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:48 | |
You know, in the wheelchairs, drooling, | 0:07:48 | 0:07:50 | |
with the breathing tubes... | 0:07:50 | 0:07:51 | |
You know, guilt! | 0:07:51 | 0:07:53 | |
You've got to guilt these people out. | 0:07:53 | 0:07:56 | |
I just think it's so exploitative. | 0:07:56 | 0:07:58 | |
Exploitation equals donations. | 0:07:58 | 0:08:01 | |
We seem to have different approaches... | 0:08:01 | 0:08:03 | |
You know, something else you want to steer clear of in this business, | 0:08:03 | 0:08:07 | |
any charity to do with gastrointestinal... | 0:08:07 | 0:08:10 | |
Urgh. It's a tough sell, trust me, Madonna and I have tried. | 0:08:10 | 0:08:14 | |
Yeah. So what's your next gig, what's your next event, talk to me, | 0:08:14 | 0:08:17 | |
-talk to me. -It's a new charity. -Yeah. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:19 | |
And it's called Opportunities for the Young. | 0:08:19 | 0:08:21 | |
It's something Princes William and Harry are putting together. | 0:08:21 | 0:08:26 | |
Oh! Shut up! | 0:08:26 | 0:08:28 | |
You got Royals? Real ones? | 0:08:28 | 0:08:31 | |
Sherry, Sherry, get over here, I love this man, | 0:08:31 | 0:08:33 | |
get him tickets for a Broadway show, | 0:08:33 | 0:08:35 | |
you can give him Sarah Jessica Parker's private phone number. | 0:08:35 | 0:08:39 | |
-Can I get a ticket for this? -Yes, of course. | 0:08:39 | 0:08:42 | |
Yeah, OK. We could trade some auction items, | 0:08:42 | 0:08:45 | |
give him the dinner for 100 in Downton Abbey | 0:08:45 | 0:08:47 | |
and the one-night stand with Jude Law. | 0:08:47 | 0:08:50 | |
Really? | 0:08:50 | 0:08:52 | |
No, I'm kidding, look at his face. | 0:08:52 | 0:08:54 | |
You were thinking of bidding on that one, you public schoolboys. | 0:08:54 | 0:08:57 | |
Lucy, I need an extra ticket for the gala. | 0:08:57 | 0:09:00 | |
Yes. Give her a special seat. | 0:09:00 | 0:09:03 | |
Table 91. Perfect. | 0:09:03 | 0:09:06 | |
-Thank you. -Top tier? | 0:09:06 | 0:09:08 | |
Absolutely. It's been most enlightening meeting you, erm... | 0:09:08 | 0:09:11 | |
Bernice, Bernice. All right. Well, ta ta for now, Dickie. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:15 | |
Yeah. | 0:09:15 | 0:09:16 | |
Asshole. | 0:09:17 | 0:09:18 | |
Looking back now, I know what I should have done with my life. | 0:09:23 | 0:09:26 | |
Oh, Mum, you shouldn't... | 0:09:26 | 0:09:28 | |
I should have looked at more clickbait articles | 0:09:28 | 0:09:31 | |
about celebrities with fat thighs. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:33 | |
Mum, we love you, and... | 0:09:35 | 0:09:37 | |
When they're on the beach and the backs of their knees | 0:09:37 | 0:09:39 | |
look like little bums. | 0:09:39 | 0:09:41 | |
When it says, "You won't believe photo number seven," | 0:09:41 | 0:09:45 | |
promise me you'll always click on it. | 0:09:45 | 0:09:47 | |
Here you are. It's Kerry Katona, | 0:09:49 | 0:09:51 | |
and she's piled on the pounds since the exercise video. | 0:09:51 | 0:09:54 | |
Oh, you're an angel. | 0:09:54 | 0:09:55 | |
Look at that arse, good Lord. | 0:09:56 | 0:09:59 | |
-You can zoom in like that. -Oh, why a thong, why? Why a thong? | 0:09:59 | 0:10:03 | |
It won't be long now. | 0:10:05 | 0:10:06 | |
Yeah, yeah, this is where he finished with me. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:20 | |
And we had like a huge bull and cow. | 0:10:20 | 0:10:23 | |
-A row. -And then... And then... | 0:10:23 | 0:10:26 | |
-Quick, Terry, get the recorder. -Not now, love. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:29 | |
Adele's trying to remember how it is to feel like shit. | 0:10:29 | 0:10:31 | |
And then he just threw the tray up in the air, | 0:10:31 | 0:10:34 | |
and all this falafel was like coming down one me, | 0:10:34 | 0:10:36 | |
all bits falling in me hair, and everyone was looking at me. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:40 | |
-And then, and then... -And then what, Adele? | 0:10:40 | 0:10:43 | |
# I'm falling | 0:10:43 | 0:10:46 | |
# I'm fall, falling | 0:10:46 | 0:10:48 | |
# And when I stop falling, then... # | 0:10:48 | 0:10:51 | |
Oh, Paul, look at me hands! | 0:10:51 | 0:10:53 | |
# I start falling, fall, falling | 0:10:53 | 0:10:58 | |
# I'm falling all over again... # | 0:10:58 | 0:11:00 | |
Oh, Paul, I feel like shit. | 0:11:00 | 0:11:03 | |
This is great! | 0:11:03 | 0:11:04 | |
# Woo-o-o-oo... # | 0:11:04 | 0:11:06 | |
-PHONE RINGS -Oh! | 0:11:06 | 0:11:08 | |
Hello, bubba, it's mama! | 0:11:08 | 0:11:11 | |
SHE CACKLES | 0:11:11 | 0:11:13 | |
What you doing then? You're watching Peppa Pig? | 0:11:13 | 0:11:16 | |
How does he go? Yeah, he goes... What? He goes... | 0:11:16 | 0:11:18 | |
SHE OINKS | 0:11:18 | 0:11:19 | |
SHE CACKLES | 0:11:19 | 0:11:20 | |
He's a genius, my kid. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:22 | |
Yeah, let me talk to the nanny. | 0:11:22 | 0:11:24 | |
Yeah, you might as well switch it off, Terry. | 0:11:24 | 0:11:26 | |
She's good for sod all, now. | 0:11:26 | 0:11:27 | |
Hey, Daniel, I'm Lindy, your Uber driver, 2.8 stars. | 0:11:40 | 0:11:45 | |
Well, it was 3.8, but it turns out you lose a star | 0:11:45 | 0:11:48 | |
for driving the wrong way up the M1, who knew? | 0:11:48 | 0:11:50 | |
There's been a mistake, I'll rebook, it's fine. | 0:11:50 | 0:11:53 | |
You don't want to do that, they've gone to surge prices. | 0:11:53 | 0:11:57 | |
No, it'll be cheaper to buy a car. Well, this one, anyway. | 0:11:57 | 0:12:00 | |
Jump in. | 0:12:00 | 0:12:01 | |
Get off, get off. | 0:12:09 | 0:12:11 | |
I said stop fighting or I'll chuck you off the overpass! | 0:12:11 | 0:12:14 | |
So where are we going, sweetheart? | 0:12:16 | 0:12:19 | |
Robin Hood Airport. Should be on the app. | 0:12:19 | 0:12:21 | |
Oh, I just follow the blue line, | 0:12:21 | 0:12:23 | |
do what I'm told, Magical Mystery tour, eh? | 0:12:23 | 0:12:26 | |
I have to be there by six. | 0:12:26 | 0:12:28 | |
Do planes leave at a particular time, then? | 0:12:28 | 0:12:31 | |
Yes. | 0:12:31 | 0:12:33 | |
Just sit back and relax. | 0:12:33 | 0:12:35 | |
Jake, give the man a complimentary sweet. | 0:12:35 | 0:12:38 | |
Why pay childcare when you don't have to, Daniel? | 0:12:38 | 0:12:41 | |
It's like car insurance, strictly optional. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:45 | |
What sort of thing do you like listening to, Daniel? | 0:12:45 | 0:12:48 | |
We've got Wheels On The Bus, | 0:12:48 | 0:12:50 | |
or the audio book of the Gruffalo. | 0:12:50 | 0:12:53 | |
Gruffalo! | 0:12:53 | 0:12:54 | |
Are you playing £25 for this journey, little lady? | 0:12:54 | 0:12:57 | |
I don't think so. | 0:12:57 | 0:12:59 | |
Wheels On The Bus, coming up. | 0:12:59 | 0:13:02 | |
# The-e-e-e wheels on the bus... # | 0:13:02 | 0:13:06 | |
Come on, Daniel, let yourself go. | 0:13:06 | 0:13:08 | |
Really good session, guys. | 0:13:13 | 0:13:14 | |
SHE TUTS | 0:13:17 | 0:13:19 | |
SHE WHISTLES | 0:13:23 | 0:13:25 | |
Wow. | 0:13:26 | 0:13:27 | |
What a day... | 0:13:28 | 0:13:30 | |
-What?! -You've dragged it out of me, Yvonne. | 0:13:31 | 0:13:33 | |
Only turns out he's got a secret bank account. | 0:13:33 | 0:13:37 | |
He calls it a rainy-day fund, | 0:13:37 | 0:13:39 | |
more like sunny day in the Bahamas with the yoga teacher fund. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:43 | |
But... But, what he doesn't know... | 0:13:43 | 0:13:46 | |
No, no, no, we've been through this, | 0:13:46 | 0:13:48 | |
I am not comfortable with you sharing confidential | 0:13:48 | 0:13:50 | |
patient information with me. It's not ethical. | 0:13:50 | 0:13:53 | |
Yeah, no, ethics, ethics. That's a good call. | 0:13:53 | 0:13:55 | |
That is a good call. A good call, Yvonne, yeah. | 0:13:55 | 0:13:58 | |
I think it'd be all right if you guessed. | 0:14:00 | 0:14:02 | |
She's got a toy boy? | 0:14:06 | 0:14:07 | |
-Oh. Sugar daddy? -Yeah, spot on. | 0:14:07 | 0:14:10 | |
So he's hoovering... | 0:14:10 | 0:14:12 | |
She's on a train? | 0:14:12 | 0:14:15 | |
Disco dancer! | 0:14:15 | 0:14:16 | |
Building a cabinet! | 0:14:17 | 0:14:19 | |
She's carrying something heavy? | 0:14:19 | 0:14:21 | |
Something slippery... | 0:14:22 | 0:14:24 | |
-He's dead! -No! | 0:14:24 | 0:14:26 | |
While he's carrying on with the yoga teacher, | 0:14:27 | 0:14:30 | |
she's had her sugar daddy | 0:14:30 | 0:14:31 | |
privately funding the kids' schooling. | 0:14:31 | 0:14:34 | |
Why would you not get that? | 0:14:34 | 0:14:35 | |
Oh, Richard and Pat, | 0:14:37 | 0:14:39 | |
you've taken the brave first step in coming here today, | 0:14:39 | 0:14:42 | |
please come through. | 0:14:42 | 0:14:43 | |
I wonder what these two have been up to. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:49 | |
I'll tell you later. | 0:14:49 | 0:14:50 | |
Oh, Paul, I mean, all right, I can't help it, it's really hard, | 0:14:55 | 0:14:59 | |
getting in the mood, to write the songs now, you know. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:03 | |
We've tried hanging out at the jellied-eel stall in Hoxton, | 0:15:03 | 0:15:05 | |
drinking brown ale until I vomit up a Grammy, but... | 0:15:05 | 0:15:09 | |
This place... Oh, my God... | 0:15:09 | 0:15:11 | |
I mean, look at it. | 0:15:11 | 0:15:13 | |
Adele was really unhappy 'ere. | 0:15:13 | 0:15:14 | |
This is where I was Donald Trumped. | 0:15:14 | 0:15:17 | |
-Dumped. -I was on me George Michael. | 0:15:17 | 0:15:19 | |
-Menstrual cycle. -And it was pissing down. | 0:15:19 | 0:15:23 | |
-Raining. -And I was in such terrible, terrible... | 0:15:23 | 0:15:28 | |
# Misery! | 0:15:28 | 0:15:30 | |
# You got the best of me | 0:15:30 | 0:15:33 | |
# Misery | 0:15:33 | 0:15:35 | |
# You really messed with me | 0:15:35 | 0:15:38 | |
# Flowing like a river bringing up the past | 0:15:38 | 0:15:42 | |
# Misery is here at last...# | 0:15:42 | 0:15:46 | |
Yes! Go, Adele! | 0:15:47 | 0:15:49 | |
# When I think of you | 0:15:49 | 0:15:54 | |
# You threw our love away | 0:15:54 | 0:15:59 | |
# I couldn't see a thing | 0:15:59 | 0:16:04 | |
# That I would pay and pay and pay and pay | 0:16:04 | 0:16:09 | |
# I walk on broken glass... # | 0:16:09 | 0:16:12 | |
Look at me, I really am walking on broken glass, Paul. | 0:16:12 | 0:16:14 | |
# I stumble to the floor | 0:16:14 | 0:16:19 | |
# The habit's hard to break | 0:16:19 | 0:16:24 | |
# But I won't go there any more | 0:16:24 | 0:16:28 | |
# Misery, you got the best of me | 0:16:28 | 0:16:30 | |
# Misery, you really messed with me | 0:16:30 | 0:16:32 | |
# With you away I see | 0:16:32 | 0:16:36 | |
# I pay, I break, I fall | 0:16:36 | 0:16:40 | |
# My skin it crawls with | 0:16:40 | 0:16:44 | |
# M-i-i-i-i-sery. # | 0:16:44 | 0:16:52 | |
Yes! | 0:16:54 | 0:16:55 | |
Book our tickets to the Grammys. Terry, you're in economy. | 0:16:56 | 0:16:58 | |
Look at you, Amanda, you look wonderful. | 0:17:01 | 0:17:04 | |
Have you lost weight? | 0:17:04 | 0:17:06 | |
-Oh, I don't know. -Are you sure you're coping in here? | 0:17:06 | 0:17:10 | |
I'm fine. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:12 | |
-I tried to get you moved to an open prison. -Oh. | 0:17:12 | 0:17:14 | |
You know, with day release, so you could come home sometimes. | 0:17:14 | 0:17:17 | |
No good, I'm afraid. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:19 | |
Bloody Home Office! | 0:17:19 | 0:17:21 | |
Bastards. | 0:17:21 | 0:17:23 | |
-How are the children? -Great, great, yeah... | 0:17:23 | 0:17:27 | |
Toby's still drumming. | 0:17:27 | 0:17:28 | |
-Is he? -Won't do it in the garage, though, likes to do it in his room. | 0:17:28 | 0:17:34 | |
Madeleine's gone vegan. Good for her health, I suppose, | 0:17:34 | 0:17:37 | |
but I am making three dinners now. | 0:17:37 | 0:17:39 | |
With Leo not eating vegetables. | 0:17:39 | 0:17:41 | |
Or bread. | 0:17:41 | 0:17:42 | |
You have coped so well this year. | 0:17:42 | 0:17:45 | |
Yes, yes. I never realised how much driving around you did. | 0:17:45 | 0:17:50 | |
Listen, I feel terrible about you being stuck in here. | 0:17:50 | 0:17:53 | |
Taking the rap for me and everything. | 0:17:53 | 0:17:55 | |
It's fine, it's fine, we agreed. | 0:17:55 | 0:17:56 | |
It was wrong. I should never have made you lie. | 0:17:56 | 0:17:59 | |
Amanda, I think I'm going to tell the truth. | 0:17:59 | 0:18:02 | |
No. You can't! | 0:18:02 | 0:18:03 | |
You could come straight home, and I could get banged up. | 0:18:03 | 0:18:06 | |
You'd be disbarred! You'd never work as an accountant again. | 0:18:06 | 0:18:09 | |
I know, but I could retrain, I could learn a new skill in prison. | 0:18:09 | 0:18:12 | |
Pentonville's plumbing course is one of the best in the country. | 0:18:13 | 0:18:16 | |
I can't let you do it, you'd get three years. | 0:18:16 | 0:18:19 | |
Three years? I thought it'd only be 18 months. | 0:18:19 | 0:18:22 | |
Ronan and Rafferty will have left home by then, | 0:18:22 | 0:18:24 | |
and if I misbehaved I'm sure they'd probably make me do the full term! | 0:18:24 | 0:18:27 | |
Get a grip on yourself. | 0:18:27 | 0:18:29 | |
We made a plan and we're going to stick to it. | 0:18:29 | 0:18:31 | |
No, I'm going to confess! | 0:18:31 | 0:18:33 | |
You're not, you're going to man up, | 0:18:33 | 0:18:36 | |
you're going to make the packed lunches, | 0:18:36 | 0:18:37 | |
you're going to take them to the clarinet lessons, | 0:18:37 | 0:18:39 | |
and go to Peppa Pig World in the rain. | 0:18:39 | 0:18:41 | |
I can take it any more! | 0:18:41 | 0:18:43 | |
Anyway, it'd be your word against mine. | 0:18:44 | 0:18:47 | |
-No. -Now, I've got a pottery class to go to. | 0:18:47 | 0:18:49 | |
So why don't you just run along. | 0:18:49 | 0:18:51 | |
And anyway, haven't you got the twins' birthday party? | 0:18:51 | 0:18:54 | |
Four hours at the Wacky Warehouse? | 0:18:54 | 0:18:57 | |
Oi! Sanders! | 0:18:57 | 0:18:59 | |
Any more of that, and you'll be losing all your parole. | 0:18:59 | 0:19:02 | |
# Heads and shoulders knees and toes, knees and toes | 0:19:07 | 0:19:10 | |
# And eyes and ears and mouth and... # | 0:19:10 | 0:19:14 | |
-CAR HORN BEEPS -All right! | 0:19:14 | 0:19:17 | |
The airport is sort of back that way. | 0:19:17 | 0:19:19 | |
We're picking up my Frank. | 0:19:19 | 0:19:21 | |
It's about work-life balance, Daniel. | 0:19:21 | 0:19:23 | |
I'm a mother first, | 0:19:23 | 0:19:24 | |
and a highly-professional Uber driver second, | 0:19:24 | 0:19:27 | |
and an exotic dancer third. | 0:19:27 | 0:19:29 | |
You wish! | 0:19:29 | 0:19:30 | |
SHE LAUGHS | 0:19:30 | 0:19:32 | |
Frank, move your arse, this man is going on holiday. | 0:19:32 | 0:19:36 | |
It's a thermoplastics conference. | 0:19:36 | 0:19:39 | |
Not my idea of a holiday, but each to his own. | 0:19:39 | 0:19:43 | |
Budge up, Daniel, there's a love. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:45 | |
-You win? -Don't ask. | 0:19:45 | 0:19:47 | |
Oh, God, you honk, didn't you have a shower? | 0:19:47 | 0:19:50 | |
Showers are minging in there. | 0:19:50 | 0:19:51 | |
Quick, give him a coating of Lynx Africa. | 0:19:51 | 0:19:54 | |
I'm sorry but I'm starting to worry about my plane. | 0:19:58 | 0:20:00 | |
Oh, no, hang on! | 0:20:00 | 0:20:02 | |
Now, what did I need? | 0:20:02 | 0:20:03 | |
Dog food, bin bags, bog roll. | 0:20:03 | 0:20:06 | |
I'm back in two secs. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:07 | |
What? No, wait! | 0:20:07 | 0:20:09 | |
Are you going to give Mummy five stars? | 0:20:11 | 0:20:15 | |
-No. -If you don't give Mummy five stars, we'll say you did things. | 0:20:15 | 0:20:20 | |
Is the 148 due? | 0:20:28 | 0:20:30 | |
Oh, one's just left. | 0:20:30 | 0:20:32 | |
Oh. They threw me off it last week. | 0:20:32 | 0:20:35 | |
Me, Germaine Greer. | 0:20:35 | 0:20:37 | |
A famous author and regular on the Newsnight Review! | 0:20:37 | 0:20:41 | |
Yes, they said that my views offended the driver. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:44 | |
You know, the one who is in transition. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:46 | |
-Sorry? -One of the drivers on the 148, he's a man becoming a woman, | 0:20:46 | 0:20:50 | |
an M to F, as you say. | 0:20:50 | 0:20:53 | |
Your son, he's an M. | 0:20:53 | 0:20:55 | |
I assume he's a boy? | 0:20:55 | 0:20:57 | |
They don't have to decide until there are at least four nowadays. | 0:20:57 | 0:21:00 | |
He might want to change, especially if you live in North London. | 0:21:00 | 0:21:04 | |
It's always been a liberal bastion. | 0:21:04 | 0:21:06 | |
That's where I met a lot of the intellectual anarchists | 0:21:06 | 0:21:09 | |
I had sex with back in the day. | 0:21:09 | 0:21:11 | |
Like Martin Amis, | 0:21:11 | 0:21:13 | |
with whom I hit the alfresco G spot on Hampstead Heath in 1972. | 0:21:13 | 0:21:17 | |
Mind you, I had a body back then like a Greek goddess, | 0:21:17 | 0:21:21 | |
and a quim like Charlotte Rampling's on the front of Helmut Newton's | 0:21:21 | 0:21:25 | |
coffee-table book. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:27 | |
Oh, that's right, sir. | 0:21:27 | 0:21:29 | |
I said quim. | 0:21:29 | 0:21:30 | |
Slang for female genitalia, vulva, vagina, 1735, perhaps 1610s. | 0:21:30 | 0:21:37 | |
And you're going to say I'm being politically incorrect, | 0:21:37 | 0:21:40 | |
talking about body parts in front of a young child, | 0:21:40 | 0:21:43 | |
who has every right to become a trans-fluid tween. | 0:21:43 | 0:21:47 | |
LGBTIQHA. | 0:21:47 | 0:21:51 | |
You have to say the lot these days, | 0:21:51 | 0:21:53 | |
otherwise you are labelled an RTOWWAGM. | 0:21:53 | 0:21:57 | |
That's a racist, trans-phobic old woman with a grey minge. | 0:21:57 | 0:22:01 | |
Oh, that's right, sir, I said minge, it's another word for quim, | 0:22:01 | 0:22:04 | |
late 19th century, origin unknown. | 0:22:04 | 0:22:07 | |
Oh, it's you, M to F driver! | 0:22:09 | 0:22:12 | |
I was just trying to tell you last week | 0:22:12 | 0:22:14 | |
before you rudely ejected me that if they required you | 0:22:14 | 0:22:17 | |
to have a uterus ovary transplant, | 0:22:17 | 0:22:19 | |
you'd baulk at the whole thing. | 0:22:19 | 0:22:21 | |
You try being an old woman, for goodness' sake, | 0:22:21 | 0:22:23 | |
who refuses to walk on eggshells! | 0:22:23 | 0:22:25 | |
Don't get old, that's the biggest sin of all! | 0:22:26 | 0:22:30 | |
It just feels so weird finally saying that out loud. | 0:22:31 | 0:22:34 | |
I've just been carrying it around for so long and... | 0:22:34 | 0:22:38 | |
Simon, can you just... I've got to do something... | 0:22:38 | 0:22:41 | |
I'll be right back. | 0:22:41 | 0:22:43 | |
Yvonne! You'll never believe... | 0:22:46 | 0:22:48 | |
Oh... | 0:22:57 | 0:22:58 | |
Yvonne! You won't believe what he's just told me. | 0:22:59 | 0:23:02 | |
He is secretly in love with his twin brother's wife! | 0:23:02 | 0:23:04 | |
He has been for 20 years, but he's bottled it up inside | 0:23:04 | 0:23:06 | |
and she's got feelings for him, too, he reckons. | 0:23:06 | 0:23:10 | |
She gave him a look, Christmas '98, | 0:23:10 | 0:23:12 | |
and he's never told a living soul till just now. | 0:23:12 | 0:23:15 | |
Oh! | 0:23:17 | 0:23:19 | |
That's him! That's him, there. | 0:23:19 | 0:23:21 | |
Good session, Simon. | 0:23:21 | 0:23:23 | |
Same time next week. | 0:23:23 | 0:23:25 | |
# Here's the story of a blended family | 0:23:30 | 0:23:34 | |
# With some kids of his and some kids of her own. | 0:23:34 | 0:23:38 | |
# And this lady has never been so happy | 0:23:38 | 0:23:42 | |
# Cos she spent far too long with a stingy Rolling Stone. | 0:23:42 | 0:23:45 | |
This way. | 0:23:47 | 0:23:48 | |
-Surprise! -Wow-ee! | 0:23:51 | 0:23:53 | |
This looks bonza! | 0:23:53 | 0:23:55 | |
-It's date night. -Ah! | 0:23:55 | 0:23:57 | |
When I asked the kids to give us a night on our own, | 0:23:57 | 0:24:00 | |
they just shot out the door. | 0:24:00 | 0:24:02 | |
It's just goes to show how much they love us. | 0:24:02 | 0:24:05 | |
Oh, I feel so lucky. | 0:24:05 | 0:24:08 | |
I want this marriage to be going strong when we're old and wrinkled. | 0:24:08 | 0:24:12 | |
Hey presto, your wish is granted! | 0:24:12 | 0:24:14 | |
Funny. As well as sexy. | 0:24:16 | 0:24:19 | |
Great, my favourite. | 0:24:19 | 0:24:21 | |
Foie gras and Fosters. | 0:24:21 | 0:24:22 | |
Oh, I remember one night when I was out to dinner with Mick, oh, | 0:24:22 | 0:24:26 | |
and he got really mad when it came to splitting the bill | 0:24:26 | 0:24:29 | |
because he hadn't had a starter and I had | 0:24:29 | 0:24:31 | |
and then when I told him I'd forgotten his book | 0:24:31 | 0:24:34 | |
of two-for-one coupons, he went crazy. | 0:24:34 | 0:24:36 | |
Cos Mick sure did love a coupon! | 0:24:36 | 0:24:39 | |
He couldn't have his free profiteroles that night and, oh, | 0:24:39 | 0:24:42 | |
there was just hell to pay! | 0:24:42 | 0:24:44 | |
Mick doesn't know when he's got it good. | 0:24:44 | 0:24:47 | |
That's the problem with the younger generation. | 0:24:47 | 0:24:49 | |
My wonderful man mogul! | 0:24:49 | 0:24:51 | |
You know, if you said you were cold, | 0:24:53 | 0:24:56 | |
I'd wrap my arms around you. | 0:24:56 | 0:24:58 | |
If you said you are thirsty, | 0:24:58 | 0:25:00 | |
I'd give you the oceans blue. | 0:25:00 | 0:25:02 | |
I would give you anything. | 0:25:02 | 0:25:04 | |
The moon, the stars, the sunset, too. | 0:25:04 | 0:25:08 | |
Oh, Rupert, that's so beautiful! | 0:25:10 | 0:25:12 | |
Apparently, Hugh Grant left that message on some hooker's voicemail. | 0:25:12 | 0:25:15 | |
You're kidding? | 0:25:15 | 0:25:18 | |
Oh, yeah. | 0:25:18 | 0:25:20 | |
Happy date night, Sweetie! | 0:25:20 | 0:25:22 | |
Bottoms up. | 0:25:22 | 0:25:23 | |
-Oh, well, let's just have dinner first. -Oh! | 0:25:23 | 0:25:26 | |
Would you like a drink, Nicola? | 0:25:31 | 0:25:33 | |
It is sundown, the cocktail hour, | 0:25:33 | 0:25:35 | |
though it's hard to see through our thick Scottish mist. | 0:25:35 | 0:25:37 | |
I'll have an Arbroath Kiss, if you're making. | 0:25:37 | 0:25:40 | |
What's an Arbroath Kiss? | 0:25:40 | 0:25:42 | |
One part whiskey, one part Irn Bru, | 0:25:42 | 0:25:45 | |
with a big piece of smoked haddock floating in it. | 0:25:45 | 0:25:47 | |
You know, wee Mhairi, | 0:25:49 | 0:25:50 | |
it's not easy being a Scottish woman with a vision. | 0:25:50 | 0:25:52 | |
You have to stand tall in the face of mocking English voices. | 0:25:52 | 0:25:56 | |
You have to hold on to your dream. | 0:25:56 | 0:25:58 | |
There you go. Shaken, not stirred. | 0:26:02 | 0:26:05 | |
# Referendum-dum-dum | 0:26:14 | 0:26:15 | |
# For a Scottish kingdom-dom | 0:26:15 | 0:26:17 | |
# Nearly won the last one-one | 0:26:17 | 0:26:19 | |
# We were robbed, we were done-done-done-done | 0:26:19 | 0:26:22 | |
# Refer-endum | 0:26:22 | 0:26:24 | |
# When I was a bairn | 0:26:25 | 0:26:27 | |
# In a wee little tartan kilt | 0:26:27 | 0:26:30 | |
# I knew that our proud nation should be rebuilt | 0:26:30 | 0:26:33 | |
# We know you did, we know you did we know you did... # | 0:26:33 | 0:26:35 | |
Away and boil your heid. | 0:26:35 | 0:26:37 | |
# Then I grew up and I let out a cry | 0:26:37 | 0:26:41 | |
# It's time for the world to live and och aye | 0:26:41 | 0:26:45 | |
# Live and och aye | 0:26:48 | 0:26:50 | |
# It's the Isle of Skyefall | 0:26:54 | 0:26:57 | |
# Shortbread finger | 0:26:57 | 0:27:01 | |
# From Kirkcaldy with love | 0:27:01 | 0:27:04 | |
SHE SHIVERS | 0:27:04 | 0:27:05 | |
# Nobody knits it better | 0:27:06 | 0:27:09 | |
# A beautiful Fair Isle sweater | 0:27:09 | 0:27:12 | |
# A dried haggis lasts forever | 0:27:13 | 0:27:19 | |
# Right now, Scotland's just a wee small land | 0:27:19 | 0:27:23 | |
# But I'm going to make it a global brand | 0:27:23 | 0:27:26 | |
# With oat cakes, salmon, Irn Bru but best of all | 0:27:26 | 0:27:30 | |
# I want a worldwide Edinburgh Festival | 0:27:30 | 0:27:34 | |
# Worldwide Edinburgh worldwide Edinburgh Festival | 0:27:34 | 0:27:39 | |
Scotland has given the world William Wallace, | 0:27:45 | 0:27:49 | |
Alexander Bell, Rabbie Burns, | 0:27:49 | 0:27:52 | |
The Proclaimers! | 0:27:52 | 0:27:55 | |
And in my future global Scotland, | 0:27:55 | 0:27:56 | |
each child will receive free bagpipes! | 0:27:56 | 0:28:00 | |
England will be turned into a two-million-hole golf course, | 0:28:00 | 0:28:06 | |
with extended parking! | 0:28:06 | 0:28:08 | |
Spread our humble Isle across the nation! | 0:28:08 | 0:28:13 | |
Alex Salmond! | 0:28:13 | 0:28:16 | |
Whiskey! | 0:28:16 | 0:28:18 | |
Golf! | 0:28:18 | 0:28:20 | |
Scotland's fantastic, Nicola. | 0:28:25 | 0:28:27 | |
But you didn't mention the oil? | 0:28:27 | 0:28:29 | |
-Don't talk about that just now, Mhairi. -But... | 0:28:29 | 0:28:31 | |
Shut it. | 0:28:31 | 0:28:32 |