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VO: Later on BBC One... COCKERELL CROWS | 0:00:02 | 0:00:03 | |
..just three boilers remain in The Great British Boiled Egg. | 0:00:03 | 0:00:06 | |
On your marks, get set... | 0:00:06 | 0:00:08 | |
boil! | 0:00:08 | 0:00:09 | |
This programme contains some strong language from the start. | 0:00:09 | 0:00:12 | |
The egg's too small for the cup! | 0:00:12 | 0:00:14 | |
-CHICK TWEETS -Oh, not again! | 0:00:18 | 0:00:21 | |
Do-do! | 0:00:21 | 0:00:22 | |
Someone... | 0:00:22 | 0:00:24 | |
is going through... | 0:00:24 | 0:00:26 | |
..to the soldiers round. | 0:00:27 | 0:00:29 | |
VO: The final of The Great British Boiled Egg on BBC One. | 0:00:29 | 0:00:34 | |
This is shit. | 0:00:34 | 0:00:36 | |
# When I was small I used to dance in my mother's bedroom | 0:00:39 | 0:00:42 | |
# Then I grew up and did it again | 0:00:42 | 0:00:44 | |
# And basically, I'm still doing the same show | 0:00:45 | 0:00:48 | |
# I did in my mother's bedroom and I'll do it till the bitter end | 0:00:48 | 0:00:51 | |
# Cos it's my Tracey Ullman Show! | 0:00:51 | 0:00:56 | |
# Tracey Ullman show | 0:00:56 | 0:00:57 | |
# Let's do the show, let's go | 0:00:57 | 0:00:59 | |
# Tracey Ullman Show! | 0:00:59 | 0:01:03 | |
# Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman | 0:01:03 | 0:01:06 | |
# Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey... | 0:01:06 | 0:01:09 | |
# Tracey Ullman Show. # | 0:01:09 | 0:01:11 | |
Let's go. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:14 | |
One woman's fate hangs on what we do. | 0:01:15 | 0:01:17 | |
I've classified this mission DBIU - don't balls it up. | 0:01:17 | 0:01:22 | |
Let's ride. | 0:01:22 | 0:01:23 | |
Turn your papers over, please. | 0:01:23 | 0:01:25 | |
The drug in the coffee is working, and it's a go for Team Toilet! | 0:01:30 | 0:01:34 | |
'All right, Simon. Let's see it.' | 0:01:43 | 0:01:45 | |
Section One's King Lear. | 0:01:45 | 0:01:48 | |
Right, you, I want answers. | 0:01:48 | 0:01:50 | |
Georgia, give me an update on your hole. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:52 | |
DRILL NOISES | 0:01:52 | 0:01:54 | |
-We have aperture. -Yahtzee! -Wait, there's an extra question. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:58 | |
It's on Cider with Rosie. | 0:01:58 | 0:02:00 | |
Danny, didn't I send you deep cover to sleep with the exam setter? | 0:02:00 | 0:02:02 | |
-She lied to me. -Who has a model answer to Laurie Lee? | 0:02:02 | 0:02:05 | |
Louisa does. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:07 | |
I'm doing actual work here on real threats. | 0:02:07 | 0:02:12 | |
Here's a real threat. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:13 | |
She's my daughter. | 0:02:13 | 0:02:15 | |
This could be the difference between Bristol and Bangor. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:17 | |
It's done. Can I go back to work now? | 0:02:17 | 0:02:21 | |
Light her up. | 0:02:21 | 0:02:22 | |
-Mum! -Ssh... | 0:02:26 | 0:02:28 | |
Shitola, she's onto us. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:30 | |
Simon! | 0:02:30 | 0:02:32 | |
Ah... | 0:02:32 | 0:02:33 | |
Mum, it's my exam, and I don't want to cheat. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:38 | |
Patch me in. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
Jasmine, you're only projected a B+. I had to be there for you this time. | 0:02:40 | 0:02:44 | |
All the birthdays I missed to eliminate Russians, | 0:02:44 | 0:02:46 | |
the holiday ruined when I had to kill your dad for knowing too much. | 0:02:46 | 0:02:50 | |
What the hell's going on? | 0:02:52 | 0:02:53 | |
GUNSHOT | 0:02:53 | 0:02:54 | |
-Oh, well done. -Sorry. | 0:02:55 | 0:02:57 | |
Everyone out. Jasmine, you're going to uni in Burma. | 0:02:57 | 0:03:00 | |
Go, go, go, go... | 0:03:00 | 0:03:03 | |
Oh, Burgat. Another day, another EU crisis meeting. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:08 | |
Yeah, what is this one? | 0:03:08 | 0:03:10 | |
Well, it is the pre-talks for the talks next month, | 0:03:10 | 0:03:12 | |
and also post-talks for the pre-talks that we had last month. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:16 | |
I tell you who needs a talking-to... | 0:03:16 | 0:03:19 | |
-Francois Hollande. -Oh, I like him. He has a twinkle in his eye. | 0:03:19 | 0:03:23 | |
-He has an eye on my twinkle. -Oh, don't worry, Angela. | 0:03:23 | 0:03:28 | |
In 12 to 16 hours, it will all be over. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:30 | |
-And what will you do today, Burgat? -The open-top bus tour of London. | 0:03:30 | 0:03:34 | |
I have a rib-eye at Angus Steakhouse, | 0:03:34 | 0:03:37 | |
and then I go to Boots, Piccadilly, to stockpile miracle serum. | 0:03:37 | 0:03:41 | |
-It could be my last chance. -Now don't panic, liebling, | 0:03:41 | 0:03:44 | |
I will make export of miracle serum to Germany a condition | 0:03:44 | 0:03:47 | |
of any future trade deal. | 0:03:47 | 0:03:49 | |
Because if we run out, we will both be rumpfen, rumpfen, | 0:03:49 | 0:03:52 | |
like you won't believe. | 0:03:52 | 0:03:53 | |
Well, you have my word it'll be right up there with free movement. | 0:03:53 | 0:03:57 | |
Oh, danke, mein Chancellor... | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
Oh, I must go. The hop-on-hop-off bus will leave at any moment, | 0:03:59 | 0:04:03 | |
and I want to buy a fridge magnet! | 0:04:03 | 0:04:05 | |
Oh, I wish I could go with you. | 0:04:05 | 0:04:07 | |
Oh, Burgat. How could David Cameron do this to us? | 0:04:07 | 0:04:11 | |
I should've known that he was always looking so red and shiny, | 0:04:11 | 0:04:14 | |
like a waxed apfel. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
You know what they say, never trust a man with no lips. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:20 | |
Ah... | 0:04:20 | 0:04:22 | |
SHE SIGHS | 0:04:24 | 0:04:25 | |
INDISTINCT SPEECH | 0:04:25 | 0:04:27 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, the Sharon Utley Centre for Fine Arts is going | 0:04:27 | 0:04:31 | |
to be a huge engine in regenerating what is, after all, | 0:04:31 | 0:04:34 | |
one of Yorkshire's top seven seaside resorts. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:38 | |
Wasn't the money originally going to be used to rebuild the pier? | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
Yes, but I am more than happy | 0:04:41 | 0:04:44 | |
that it's been diverted to this wonderful... | 0:04:44 | 0:04:48 | |
endeavour. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:49 | |
I can see our traditional seaside town being visited | 0:04:49 | 0:04:52 | |
by swathes of metrosexuals from all over the country. | 0:04:52 | 0:04:56 | |
-Gays, you mean? -But they're not all gay, Archie. | 0:04:56 | 0:04:58 | |
-Well, they're not staying in my B&B. -I see you haven't changed, Archie. | 0:04:58 | 0:05:01 | |
You're still the same Little Englander. | 0:05:01 | 0:05:03 | |
-Little Yorkshireman, thank you. -I'm just glad I got out. | 0:05:03 | 0:05:06 | |
Yeah, and I'm glad I stayed. | 0:05:06 | 0:05:08 | |
I'd just like to make it clear that we welcome the... | 0:05:08 | 0:05:11 | |
the pink pound. | 0:05:11 | 0:05:13 | |
Come for the conceptual arts, stay for Joe Pasquale. | 0:05:13 | 0:05:15 | |
At least back in my day we had Bernie Clifton. | 0:05:15 | 0:05:17 | |
Ah... We had the theatre on the pier then. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:19 | |
Still, we've got this wonderful gallery | 0:05:22 | 0:05:24 | |
and I'd like to introduce you to the lady who made it all possible. | 0:05:24 | 0:05:27 | |
Fanthorpe-on-Sea's very own, Sharon Utley! | 0:05:27 | 0:05:30 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:05:30 | 0:05:32 | |
See this, do you know what it says in there? | 0:05:33 | 0:05:35 | |
-It says "shit town". -Yeah, why is that? | 0:05:35 | 0:05:38 | |
Because this piece is about how this shit town fucks you. | 0:05:38 | 0:05:41 | |
MAYOR LAUGHS | 0:05:41 | 0:05:43 | |
That... That is one, erm, | 0:05:43 | 0:05:45 | |
one interpretation. | 0:05:45 | 0:05:47 | |
And what does it mean to you, Bob? | 0:05:47 | 0:05:49 | |
Well, it's just a man with a huge cock. | 0:05:49 | 0:05:51 | |
Er, stiffy...willy. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:53 | |
And was this piece based on anyone in particular? | 0:05:53 | 0:05:56 | |
No, it could be anyone. | 0:05:57 | 0:05:59 | |
I'm the town bike, remember? | 0:05:59 | 0:06:01 | |
Come on, we don't want to be stuck in here, do we? | 0:06:03 | 0:06:06 | |
We've got fantastic Fanthorpe weather outside, | 0:06:06 | 0:06:08 | |
and you can see plenty more of Sharon's thought-provoking artworks | 0:06:08 | 0:06:12 | |
on a sculpture trail dotted around the town. | 0:06:12 | 0:06:15 | |
These, erm, these free guides are... | 0:06:15 | 0:06:17 | |
..not suitable for children. | 0:06:19 | 0:06:21 | |
So, how's my accountant? | 0:06:25 | 0:06:26 | |
I love that girl. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:28 | |
Do you know, she's a direct descendant of the Pendle witches? | 0:06:28 | 0:06:31 | |
That's Northern royalty in my book! | 0:06:31 | 0:06:33 | |
Well, Sam has talked me through this month's figures. | 0:06:33 | 0:06:36 | |
-Yeah? -She is very happy | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
with the revenue stream from your new home CCTV device. | 0:06:38 | 0:06:41 | |
Me Pam Cam? Thanks, Sam. | 0:06:41 | 0:06:43 | |
She is delighted with your new breakfast cereal business. | 0:06:43 | 0:06:47 | |
Pam's Brans? Laney, | 0:06:47 | 0:06:48 | |
I haven't been this regular since I was in the majorettes! | 0:06:48 | 0:06:51 | |
But she is concerned about your new potential acquisition in Sheffield. | 0:06:51 | 0:06:56 | |
Me steelworks? Pam's Pipes? | 0:06:56 | 0:06:58 | |
You'll be looking at losses of a million a week. | 0:06:58 | 0:07:01 | |
The nation celebrated when they put in a bid | 0:07:01 | 0:07:04 | |
to rescue the Tata Steelworks in South Wales. | 0:07:04 | 0:07:07 | |
That's South Wales. | 0:07:07 | 0:07:09 | |
Not having a steelworks in Sheffield? | 0:07:09 | 0:07:11 | |
That's like the ravens leaving the tower. | 0:07:11 | 0:07:14 | |
-The Blackpool Tower. -No, the shit one. | 0:07:14 | 0:07:17 | |
I want to have northern knives and forks in every cutlery drawer | 0:07:17 | 0:07:21 | |
in Britain, and that's worth a million quid a week to me. | 0:07:21 | 0:07:24 | |
It's great PR, everybody will know my name. | 0:07:24 | 0:07:27 | |
One day, a steelworks, the next a whole city. | 0:07:27 | 0:07:31 | |
Pam Town. | 0:07:31 | 0:07:32 | |
-Pam-chester? -Pam-hampton. I want them all over the North. | 0:07:32 | 0:07:36 | |
Cut me, and I bleed urban conurbations. | 0:07:36 | 0:07:39 | |
Pam-castle, Pam-pool? | 0:07:39 | 0:07:40 | |
All right, don't kick the arse out of it, Laney. | 0:07:40 | 0:07:43 | |
Right, get Sean Bean on the phone - he can cut the ribbon. | 0:07:43 | 0:07:46 | |
He's local, isn't he? | 0:07:46 | 0:07:47 | |
-I think he lives in London now... -He's dead to me. | 0:07:47 | 0:07:50 | |
I'm glad they lopped his head off in Game Of Thrones. | 0:07:52 | 0:07:55 | |
I'm Dame Maggie Smith, and I've become a vlogger. | 0:07:57 | 0:08:00 | |
It's like acting, | 0:08:00 | 0:08:02 | |
but you can do it from your armchair and you don't have to eat lunch | 0:08:02 | 0:08:05 | |
at a draughty location and use a chemical toilet. | 0:08:05 | 0:08:08 | |
My new video is set to break the internet, | 0:08:09 | 0:08:13 | |
as nobody with a smidgen of class is saying. | 0:08:13 | 0:08:17 | |
Today, I shall play a first person shooter. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:22 | |
I have no idea what that means, | 0:08:22 | 0:08:24 | |
but I have been the first person on a great many film shoots, | 0:08:24 | 0:08:27 | |
so I should take to it like a duck to San Pellegrino. | 0:08:27 | 0:08:31 | |
I seem to be in a stately home | 0:08:32 | 0:08:34 | |
in a state of somewhat picturesque dilapidation. | 0:08:34 | 0:08:38 | |
All rather familiar... | 0:08:39 | 0:08:41 | |
No wonder they called this game Return To Hell. | 0:08:41 | 0:08:44 | |
-'Emporda...' -Oh, hello! | 0:08:44 | 0:08:46 | |
Do you speak English? | 0:08:46 | 0:08:48 | |
I should like you to draw me a bath. | 0:08:48 | 0:08:51 | |
GUNSHOT Good lord, he shot me! | 0:08:51 | 0:08:54 | |
Well, there's no tip for you on Sunday! | 0:08:54 | 0:08:57 | |
MACHINE-GUN FIRE | 0:08:57 | 0:08:59 | |
I cannot abide bad manners, let that be a lesson to what remains of you. | 0:08:59 | 0:09:03 | |
I must tell my agent to add "slaughter" to my list of skills. | 0:09:03 | 0:09:08 | |
GROWLING SOUND Oh, it's some sort of vagrant. | 0:09:08 | 0:09:12 | |
I'm sorry, but I don't have any change. | 0:09:12 | 0:09:15 | |
GUNSHOTS | 0:09:15 | 0:09:17 | |
BEEPING | 0:09:17 | 0:09:18 | |
Oh! IanMcKellen43 has logged on and wants to play SimCity. | 0:09:18 | 0:09:23 | |
GUNSHOTS AND MAN GROANS | 0:09:23 | 0:09:25 | |
Oh, have I just shot Ian? | 0:09:25 | 0:09:27 | |
Can I shoot Derek Jacobi, Helen Mirren and Joan Collins, too? | 0:09:27 | 0:09:32 | |
Put Kenneth Branagh up. | 0:09:32 | 0:09:34 | |
GUNSHOTS AND MAN GROANS | 0:09:34 | 0:09:35 | |
It's a lot of fun this, isn't it? | 0:09:35 | 0:09:37 | |
Well, you know what my mother's like, you let her wind you up! | 0:09:40 | 0:09:43 | |
PHONE RINGS | 0:09:43 | 0:09:44 | |
I'm sorry, I had to leave that on for emergencies. | 0:09:44 | 0:09:47 | |
The machine will get it. | 0:09:47 | 0:09:48 | |
'This is the voicemail of Sally Hollister, | 0:09:48 | 0:09:52 | |
'individual and couple therapy. | 0:09:52 | 0:09:54 | |
'Your problems are my business.' TONE | 0:09:54 | 0:09:57 | |
Sorry, it does that. Go on. | 0:09:57 | 0:10:00 | |
Well, she never thought I was good enough for you, you know? | 0:10:00 | 0:10:02 | |
'Sally, it's me, it's Chloe. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:03 | |
'You said I could call on this number if I needed to?' | 0:10:03 | 0:10:06 | |
We can ignore that. You just carry on. | 0:10:06 | 0:10:09 | |
'You'll never guess what's happened.' | 0:10:09 | 0:10:11 | |
You know what she said to me at our wedding? | 0:10:11 | 0:10:12 | |
-'I've finally done it!' -Shh! | 0:10:12 | 0:10:14 | |
She's only gone and done it... | 0:10:14 | 0:10:16 | |
'And I said it, I said it to him, I know what's going on.' | 0:10:16 | 0:10:19 | |
This is Sally here, and I heard you, Chloe, | 0:10:19 | 0:10:22 | |
and I just want to say well done, | 0:10:22 | 0:10:25 | |
I think you've had a real breakthrough here. | 0:10:25 | 0:10:28 | |
So now, could you just take five deep breaths for me, OK? | 0:10:28 | 0:10:32 | |
So, she finds out two weeks ago | 0:10:33 | 0:10:36 | |
that he's only got his second family living three streets down, | 0:10:36 | 0:10:39 | |
two little kiddies, and she pops in on this woman, | 0:10:39 | 0:10:41 | |
the woman knows nothing. | 0:10:41 | 0:10:43 | |
Yeah, can you take five more breaths, love, all right? | 0:10:43 | 0:10:46 | |
Turns out all their kids are at the same school, Saint Mary's, | 0:10:46 | 0:10:49 | |
would you believe that? I mean, you'd never think to look at him. He's a tiny little man. | 0:10:49 | 0:10:53 | |
Yeah, five more breaths, love. | 0:10:53 | 0:10:54 | |
Meanwhile, Chloe's done some more digging and it turns out that the | 0:10:54 | 0:10:57 | |
marriage might not be legal in the first place, | 0:10:57 | 0:10:59 | |
so she might end up getting nothing. | 0:10:59 | 0:11:02 | |
Chloe, are you OK? | 0:11:02 | 0:11:04 | |
No, you're not interrupting anything, no. | 0:11:04 | 0:11:07 | |
I'll see you on Tuesday, yeah. | 0:11:07 | 0:11:10 | |
Cor... | 0:11:10 | 0:11:11 | |
Well! | 0:11:13 | 0:11:14 | |
Our kids go to St Mary's. | 0:11:15 | 0:11:16 | |
Do they? | 0:11:18 | 0:11:20 | |
Yeah. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:21 | |
Oh, do you know Chloe with two kids? | 0:11:23 | 0:11:25 | |
-Yes. -Yep, we do. | 0:11:25 | 0:11:27 | |
One of the kids is in Preeti's class. | 0:11:27 | 0:11:30 | |
Oh, right. | 0:11:30 | 0:11:31 | |
I'd like to say | 0:11:33 | 0:11:35 | |
that anything you hear or say in this room stays within this room, | 0:11:35 | 0:11:39 | |
that trust is absolutely integral to the process. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:42 | |
I think I might know who the other wife could be... | 0:11:46 | 0:11:49 | |
Ooh... | 0:11:49 | 0:11:51 | |
Go on. | 0:11:51 | 0:11:52 | |
Yeah, that's where I first did crack, over there. | 0:11:57 | 0:12:00 | |
I'd like to stress that was many, many years ago, | 0:12:00 | 0:12:04 | |
and Fanthorpe-on-Sea has a zero tolerance policy on drugs. | 0:12:04 | 0:12:08 | |
In fact, it's the perfect destination for a family holiday, | 0:12:08 | 0:12:12 | |
and we do have a miniature train. | 0:12:12 | 0:12:14 | |
-What are you doing?! -Creating art. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:20 | |
-Sharon? -Yeah? | 0:12:20 | 0:12:22 | |
It's Carol! Carol Blakely. | 0:12:22 | 0:12:25 | |
Year five. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:26 | |
Oh, yeah. | 0:12:26 | 0:12:28 | |
Hello, Carol. | 0:12:28 | 0:12:29 | |
Leave it! | 0:12:30 | 0:12:32 | |
What's all this, then? | 0:12:32 | 0:12:33 | |
Well, you know what it's like, | 0:12:33 | 0:12:35 | |
they open an art gallery in your honour. | 0:12:35 | 0:12:38 | |
You know, it's funny, you becoming an artist, | 0:12:38 | 0:12:40 | |
cos you were never very good at drawing at school. | 0:12:40 | 0:12:43 | |
Art's not about drawing, it's about ideas. | 0:12:43 | 0:12:45 | |
Like that. | 0:12:45 | 0:12:47 | |
It's a crazy golf course. | 0:12:47 | 0:12:49 | |
Come and look at the eighth hole. | 0:12:49 | 0:12:51 | |
Yeah, it's a big hairy fanny. | 0:12:53 | 0:12:55 | |
What's the idea here, then? | 0:12:55 | 0:12:57 | |
Well, it's about how men historically have run away | 0:12:57 | 0:12:59 | |
from women to play golf, but they can't any more, | 0:12:59 | 0:13:02 | |
because women have taken charge. | 0:13:02 | 0:13:04 | |
The hair makes it a very challenging hole. | 0:13:04 | 0:13:07 | |
You've made a right mess of this crazy golf course. | 0:13:07 | 0:13:09 | |
Yeah, it might look like a right mess to you, | 0:13:09 | 0:13:11 | |
but this is £30,000 worth of contemporary arts | 0:13:11 | 0:13:13 | |
to Charles Saatchi. | 0:13:13 | 0:13:15 | |
The one who tried to strangle Nigella? | 0:13:15 | 0:13:17 | |
The photo made it look worse than it was. | 0:13:17 | 0:13:19 | |
And isn't crazy golf mainly played by children? | 0:13:19 | 0:13:22 | |
Not any more. | 0:13:22 | 0:13:23 | |
While Sharon's exhibiting, we've got a 15 age restriction. | 0:13:23 | 0:13:26 | |
Sharon, what happened to that nice fella you were seeing? | 0:13:26 | 0:13:30 | |
You were going to set up a B&B together, weren't you? | 0:13:30 | 0:13:33 | |
Didn't work out. | 0:13:33 | 0:13:35 | |
Right, let's go over to the lighthouse. | 0:13:35 | 0:13:36 | |
You'll never guess what I've turned that into. | 0:13:36 | 0:13:38 | |
Is it a penis? | 0:13:38 | 0:13:40 | |
That's a lucky guess, Carol. | 0:13:40 | 0:13:42 | |
-Uberraschung. Surprise! -What are you doing here? | 0:13:48 | 0:13:52 | |
Well, I suddenly thought to myself, | 0:13:52 | 0:13:53 | |
why should I help to clear all this mess up? | 0:13:53 | 0:13:56 | |
The British can scoop their own poop. | 0:13:56 | 0:13:58 | |
So, I arranged a private meeting with the CEO of Boots, | 0:13:58 | 0:14:02 | |
and I let them get on with it. | 0:14:02 | 0:14:04 | |
-Wunderschon! -Yes, besides, I never see London, you know? | 0:14:04 | 0:14:08 | |
I just see the airports and the conference centre, | 0:14:08 | 0:14:11 | |
and Theresa May talking about Brexit means Brexit, means Shmexit, means argh... | 0:14:11 | 0:14:15 | |
Oh, it feels so good to feel the wind in my hairspray! | 0:14:15 | 0:14:18 | |
ANGELA LAUGHS | 0:14:18 | 0:14:19 | |
Oh, you would love London, Angela. Look, it is full of German things. | 0:14:19 | 0:14:23 | |
-I saw a Lidl. -Ja? -Ja. | 0:14:23 | 0:14:25 | |
Oh, look at this man drinking a Pilsner in the morning. | 0:14:25 | 0:14:28 | |
He must be a great supporter of our German brewing industry. | 0:14:28 | 0:14:32 | |
Look, dachshunds! | 0:14:32 | 0:14:34 | |
Ah! Ja, ja, ja! | 0:14:34 | 0:14:36 | |
Oh, it is a German Shepherd eating a frankfurter! | 0:14:36 | 0:14:39 | |
This is more German than Germany. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
Ja. Oh, Burgat, what are they going to do without us? | 0:14:41 | 0:14:44 | |
Oh, I don't know, mein Chancellor. | 0:14:44 | 0:14:47 | |
These people, they look so sad. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:50 | |
Maybe I should invite them all to come and stay at my place? | 0:14:50 | 0:14:54 | |
Like those Syrian friends of ours? | 0:14:54 | 0:14:56 | |
Ja, ja, why not? Who knows? It's an open house. | 0:14:56 | 0:14:59 | |
-Nein. -You will have shitloads of the Brits paddling across the Channel. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:04 | |
These people are desperate. | 0:15:04 | 0:15:05 | |
Ja, that's true, that's true. | 0:15:05 | 0:15:08 | |
Theresa, come out and fight with me. | 0:15:08 | 0:15:10 | |
Come out, come on, give me some! Do you want some? | 0:15:10 | 0:15:14 | |
-Selfie! -It's naughty. | 0:15:14 | 0:15:16 | |
-Ooh! Ja! -Ja! | 0:15:16 | 0:15:18 | |
Here's your tea. | 0:15:24 | 0:15:25 | |
-Are you feeling a bit better? -Not really, no. | 0:15:25 | 0:15:28 | |
OK, well, can you describe the man who mugged you? | 0:15:28 | 0:15:31 | |
Um, he was about 5 foot 10, short, dark hair. | 0:15:32 | 0:15:36 | |
He put a knife to my throat and he demanded my phone and my watch. | 0:15:36 | 0:15:41 | |
And were you wearing what you're wearing now? | 0:15:41 | 0:15:43 | |
-Sorry? -Is this what you were wearing when it happened? | 0:15:44 | 0:15:48 | |
Erm, yes. But... | 0:15:49 | 0:15:51 | |
You look quite provocatively wealthy. | 0:15:51 | 0:15:54 | |
Look, I fail to see how what I wear has any... | 0:15:54 | 0:15:57 | |
Well, just a bit of an invitation, isn't it? | 0:15:57 | 0:15:59 | |
Like you're advertising it. | 0:15:59 | 0:16:01 | |
-Look... -You seem distressed. | 0:16:01 | 0:16:03 | |
I'm going bring one of our counsellors in. | 0:16:03 | 0:16:06 | |
This gentleman's a bit upset. He was mugged earlier. | 0:16:07 | 0:16:10 | |
Oh, dear. | 0:16:10 | 0:16:12 | |
Had you been drinking? | 0:16:14 | 0:16:15 | |
Yes, cos if you'd had a drink, it can send out confusing signals. | 0:16:15 | 0:16:19 | |
Lead somebody on, with a nice suit and the phone, | 0:16:19 | 0:16:22 | |
and then at the last minute say, "I don't want to be mugged." | 0:16:22 | 0:16:25 | |
He put a knife to my throat and he demanded my possessions. | 0:16:25 | 0:16:28 | |
-I mean... -And you just gave them to him? | 0:16:28 | 0:16:30 | |
Did you even scream? | 0:16:30 | 0:16:32 | |
See? How is someone to know that you don't enjoy handing over your | 0:16:32 | 0:16:35 | |
possessions unless you make your intentions clear? | 0:16:35 | 0:16:38 | |
No, I didn't scream, he had a knife! I was really scared. | 0:16:38 | 0:16:42 | |
And we're very sympathetic, but I'm afraid that you're going to | 0:16:42 | 0:16:44 | |
have to accept some of the responsibility for this. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:47 | |
KNOCK ON DOOR Come in. | 0:16:47 | 0:16:49 | |
Are you going to be much longer? I've got a gentleman out here, | 0:16:49 | 0:16:52 | |
says he has been receiving abusive e-mails for months. | 0:16:52 | 0:16:55 | |
Ask him what font he's been using. | 0:16:56 | 0:16:58 | |
If it's something coquettish like Helvetica, | 0:16:58 | 0:17:00 | |
-then he's probably brought it on himself. -Right, OK. | 0:17:00 | 0:17:04 | |
What time did he get here? | 0:17:21 | 0:17:23 | |
-About an hour ago. -Aye, he'll be nicely softened up by now. | 0:17:23 | 0:17:26 | |
-# Bye-bye, baby... # -MUSIC DISTORTS AND STOPS | 0:17:26 | 0:17:29 | |
Andy Murray! | 0:17:29 | 0:17:30 | |
I'm delighted you have deigned to grace us with your presence! | 0:17:30 | 0:17:34 | |
I know you prefer it in leafy Surrey. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:36 | |
An hour of the Bay City Rollers, why? | 0:17:36 | 0:17:39 | |
I won't have you disparaging the sound of my childhood. | 0:17:39 | 0:17:42 | |
Stuart Woody Wood, now there's a proper Scot for you. | 0:17:42 | 0:17:46 | |
He didn't ponce off down south at the first whiff of success. | 0:17:46 | 0:17:49 | |
There's lots of nice places to live up here, you know? | 0:17:49 | 0:17:53 | |
What's wrong with the Ayrshire coast? | 0:17:53 | 0:17:55 | |
Aye, with summer highs of 12 degrees and pleasantly moist | 0:17:55 | 0:17:59 | |
300 days of annual rainfall. I'd call it the perfect climate. | 0:17:59 | 0:18:03 | |
I'm proud to be Scottish, Sturgeon. | 0:18:03 | 0:18:05 | |
Aye, you love Scotland, is that right? | 0:18:05 | 0:18:08 | |
Then why did you give your wee baby daughter the most | 0:18:08 | 0:18:10 | |
un-Scottish sounding name on the planet? | 0:18:10 | 0:18:12 | |
Sofia. And not just Sofia, but Sofia Olivia, if you please. | 0:18:12 | 0:18:17 | |
You might as well have set fire to the St Andrews cross | 0:18:17 | 0:18:21 | |
and danced on the ashes, dressed as a bulldog. | 0:18:21 | 0:18:23 | |
I tell you what you're going to do for me, | 0:18:23 | 0:18:26 | |
you're going to rechristen that bairn | 0:18:26 | 0:18:29 | |
with a beautiful Scottish name like Moira, | 0:18:29 | 0:18:32 | |
or Lorraine, or Kelly, | 0:18:32 | 0:18:35 | |
or Lorraine Kelly. | 0:18:35 | 0:18:37 | |
I just wanted her to grow up a citizen of the world. | 0:18:39 | 0:18:41 | |
Ah, she will. Don't worry about that. | 0:18:41 | 0:18:44 | |
When Operation Take The High Road comes to fruition. | 0:18:44 | 0:18:48 | |
Show him, wee Mhairi. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:49 | |
Scottish scientists have calculated | 0:18:50 | 0:18:53 | |
that five nuclear devices exploded off the Shetland Isles | 0:18:53 | 0:18:56 | |
would be enough to tilt the Earth's axis | 0:18:56 | 0:18:59 | |
and bring a Scottish climate to the whole world. | 0:18:59 | 0:19:03 | |
Imagine it! Scots free to travel the globe with nae fear of sunburn. | 0:19:03 | 0:19:08 | |
Just use factor 50. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:11 | |
-I won't help you. -Oh, really? | 0:19:11 | 0:19:14 | |
-What's that? -Let me introduce you to one of my favourite creatures, | 0:19:14 | 0:19:18 | |
the Highland otter. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:20 | |
Brave, canny, hardy, and do you know why they're so hardy? | 0:19:20 | 0:19:24 | |
Because they don't stray more than six metres from the burrow | 0:19:24 | 0:19:27 | |
they were born into. | 0:19:27 | 0:19:29 | |
Listen to me, I supported independence. | 0:19:29 | 0:19:32 | |
Shall we see what a hungry otter can do to your balls? | 0:19:32 | 0:19:35 | |
-Get a treat of Murray! -You're mad, Sturgeon. | 0:19:37 | 0:19:40 | |
Turn up the Bay City Rollers! | 0:19:40 | 0:19:42 | |
Mhairi, your parliamentary maiden speech. | 0:19:42 | 0:19:45 | |
-No! -Thank you... -NICOLA LAUGHS | 0:19:45 | 0:19:48 | |
..Madam Deputy Speaker, for calling me to such important debate! | 0:19:48 | 0:19:52 | |
Are you all right, Sharon? | 0:19:56 | 0:19:57 | |
-Yeah, fine. -This should be everything you've ever wanted, | 0:19:57 | 0:20:00 | |
vindication, return of the conquering hero, | 0:20:00 | 0:20:03 | |
respect of your peers. | 0:20:03 | 0:20:04 | |
I only ever wanted the respect of one man. | 0:20:04 | 0:20:07 | |
Where's me red wine? | 0:20:08 | 0:20:09 | |
-Sharon? -Archie? | 0:20:10 | 0:20:12 | |
I just saw your big hairy fanny out on the golf course, | 0:20:12 | 0:20:16 | |
and I've finally realised... | 0:20:16 | 0:20:18 | |
-Yeah? -You're a proper artist. | 0:20:18 | 0:20:21 | |
Yeah, I, I shouldn't have come... | 0:20:23 | 0:20:24 | |
No, Archie... | 0:20:24 | 0:20:26 | |
I haven't shown you my latest work, look. | 0:20:26 | 0:20:28 | |
It's called...Regret. | 0:20:29 | 0:20:32 | |
It were inspired by you. | 0:20:32 | 0:20:34 | |
You did know what constituted the full tea | 0:20:34 | 0:20:36 | |
-and coffee-making facilities in a B&B. -Course I did. | 0:20:36 | 0:20:40 | |
I was just too proud to tell you. | 0:20:40 | 0:20:42 | |
Hang on a minute. Archie, you're not Man With Stick Of Rock For Cock, | 0:20:42 | 0:20:47 | |
-are you? -Of course he is. | 0:20:47 | 0:20:48 | |
And maybe if he'd have just given me the slightest acknowledgement | 0:20:48 | 0:20:51 | |
that he respected my work, or even understood it, | 0:20:51 | 0:20:54 | |
I might not have left like I did. | 0:20:54 | 0:20:56 | |
Sharon, do you think we can make it work again? | 0:20:56 | 0:21:00 | |
I really don't mind the gays. | 0:21:00 | 0:21:02 | |
I don't know. | 0:21:02 | 0:21:04 | |
No. No... | 0:21:04 | 0:21:05 | |
I can't ask you to come back here and get up at six to grill kippers. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:09 | |
And I couldn't ask you to split your life between my townhouse | 0:21:09 | 0:21:11 | |
in Belgravia and my villa in the Cote d'Azur | 0:21:11 | 0:21:14 | |
with its three sun terraces and infinity pool. | 0:21:14 | 0:21:16 | |
Well, you know, there might be a way to make it work. | 0:21:17 | 0:21:21 | |
No, we're too set in our ways. | 0:21:21 | 0:21:24 | |
No, no, that's what I'm saying. | 0:21:24 | 0:21:26 | |
If only I hadn't walked out that night, | 0:21:26 | 0:21:29 | |
burned down the pier and run off for London and set up... | 0:21:29 | 0:21:32 | |
Hang on a sec. | 0:21:32 | 0:21:33 | |
You burnt down the pier? | 0:21:35 | 0:21:37 | |
We thought it was a dodgy plug on the whack-a-mole. | 0:21:38 | 0:21:41 | |
I had a lot of anger back then. | 0:21:41 | 0:21:42 | |
-My grandad built that pier. -Look, if it comes to it, | 0:21:42 | 0:21:45 | |
I could sell the B&B, or I could just give it to somebody. | 0:21:45 | 0:21:48 | |
For the last 20 years it's been considered "uneconomic" to rebuild, | 0:21:48 | 0:21:52 | |
and finally they get around to allocating some lottery money to it | 0:21:52 | 0:21:56 | |
and they divert it to this rubbish. | 0:21:56 | 0:21:59 | |
That's worth eight million quid! | 0:21:59 | 0:22:01 | |
Yeah, so is my pier. | 0:22:01 | 0:22:03 | |
I made these last night, they're gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free, | 0:22:07 | 0:22:10 | |
sugar-free, they're just wonderful, clean eating, all natural muffins. | 0:22:10 | 0:22:16 | |
Oh, would you like one of my cupcakes? | 0:22:16 | 0:22:18 | |
They're gluten-free, sugar-free, egg-free... | 0:22:18 | 0:22:21 | |
I can't get past the taste. | 0:22:21 | 0:22:23 | |
Mum... SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY | 0:22:29 | 0:22:30 | |
We've got a visitor, this is Debbie. | 0:22:30 | 0:22:32 | |
She's come all the way from Australia. | 0:22:32 | 0:22:34 | |
-Hello, Mrs Clark! -DEBBIE LAUGHS | 0:22:34 | 0:22:36 | |
I told you about Debbie, didn't I, Mum? | 0:22:36 | 0:22:40 | |
She's the cousin I've been writing to. | 0:22:40 | 0:22:43 | |
She was put up for adoption. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:45 | |
She was... | 0:22:45 | 0:22:47 | |
Dad's sister's daughter. | 0:22:47 | 0:22:50 | |
Illegitimate child. | 0:22:50 | 0:22:52 | |
Doesn't surprise me. | 0:22:52 | 0:22:55 | |
Always was a bit loose, that one. | 0:22:55 | 0:22:57 | |
Oh, dear, you'll have to excuse her, she's 103. | 0:22:57 | 0:23:00 | |
But that's all water under the bridge, isn't it, Mummy? | 0:23:00 | 0:23:04 | |
The point is | 0:23:04 | 0:23:05 | |
that I've got a cousin and you've got a niece, and she's here, | 0:23:05 | 0:23:08 | |
and it's exciting, isn't it? | 0:23:08 | 0:23:09 | |
I've been working on our family tree. | 0:23:11 | 0:23:14 | |
I thought you might like to see it. | 0:23:14 | 0:23:16 | |
-Oh, yes. -And maybe help me fill in a few gaps. | 0:23:16 | 0:23:19 | |
Oh, yes, Mum will be able to do that, | 0:23:19 | 0:23:21 | |
she's got ever such a good memory. | 0:23:21 | 0:23:22 | |
It's better than mine, isn't it, Mum? | 0:23:22 | 0:23:25 | |
Well, let's start with your dad's side of the family, shall we? | 0:23:25 | 0:23:28 | |
Now, Dad's sisters were... | 0:23:28 | 0:23:31 | |
Trollops. | 0:23:31 | 0:23:32 | |
Let's just come back to that, shall we? | 0:23:35 | 0:23:37 | |
What was Dad's brother's name? | 0:23:37 | 0:23:39 | |
-Nancy boy. -That wasn't his name! | 0:23:39 | 0:23:43 | |
Yes, that was what he was called - and for very good reason. | 0:23:43 | 0:23:47 | |
Let's leave that blank for the moment, shall we? | 0:23:47 | 0:23:52 | |
What about your husband's mother? | 0:23:52 | 0:23:55 | |
I don't know who you're talking about. | 0:23:55 | 0:23:57 | |
Oh, she means Nan, Nanny. | 0:23:57 | 0:23:59 | |
I don't remember anyone with that name. | 0:23:59 | 0:24:02 | |
Is this because she said that your jam roly-poly wasn't jammy enough? | 0:24:02 | 0:24:06 | |
Oh, mother, that was 78 years ago. | 0:24:06 | 0:24:10 | |
As far as I'm concerned, she does not exist. | 0:24:10 | 0:24:14 | |
Well, at least I've got a cousin - | 0:24:16 | 0:24:17 | |
and I didn't think I had any relations at all. | 0:24:17 | 0:24:20 | |
I've actually managed to track down | 0:24:20 | 0:24:23 | |
quite a few relations in Australia. | 0:24:23 | 0:24:25 | |
You've got lots of cousins! And they've got children, | 0:24:25 | 0:24:29 | |
and some of them have children. | 0:24:29 | 0:24:31 | |
Oh, my goodness! | 0:24:31 | 0:24:32 | |
You should come out to Australia and visit us all. | 0:24:32 | 0:24:35 | |
-Oh, that'd be amazing. -Meet your family. | 0:24:35 | 0:24:38 | |
Oh, I've always wanted to be part of a big family. | 0:24:38 | 0:24:42 | |
Oh, I should like that. | 0:24:42 | 0:24:44 | |
I should like that very much indeed. | 0:24:44 | 0:24:47 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:24:47 | 0:24:48 | |
I wouldn't bother. | 0:24:48 | 0:24:49 | |
-Why not? -Well, if you must know, your dad wasn't really your dad. | 0:24:49 | 0:24:54 | |
-What do you mean? -Your real dad was a sailor. | 0:24:57 | 0:25:00 | |
I don't know his name. | 0:25:00 | 0:25:01 | |
Mum, when were you going to tell me this? | 0:25:02 | 0:25:05 | |
I was waiting till you were older. | 0:25:05 | 0:25:07 | |
How old do I have to be? | 0:25:07 | 0:25:09 | |
Well, it's all in the past now. | 0:25:09 | 0:25:12 | |
Let's forget about it. | 0:25:12 | 0:25:14 | |
What about the family tree? | 0:25:14 | 0:25:16 | |
It's just you and me. | 0:25:16 | 0:25:18 | |
You don't need anyone else, do you? | 0:25:18 | 0:25:21 | |
Oh... Let's go over to the arcade, | 0:25:26 | 0:25:28 | |
break in and we'll have sex on a pinball machine. | 0:25:28 | 0:25:31 | |
-Yeah. -Then... No, | 0:25:31 | 0:25:32 | |
we'll leave our pants on and I'll sell it as a bit of art called Multi-ball. | 0:25:32 | 0:25:36 | |
You never turn off, do you? | 0:25:36 | 0:25:38 | |
-Just to let you know, Sharon... -DISTANT SIREN | 0:25:38 | 0:25:40 | |
-..your gallery's on fire. -HE LAUGHS | 0:25:40 | 0:25:43 | |
Archie, film me kicking his head in. | 0:25:45 | 0:25:48 | |
It's for an installation. | 0:25:48 | 0:25:50 | |
Last stop, Madame Tussaud's. | 0:25:52 | 0:25:54 | |
Oh, I must pop in to collect the suit we lent them for your waxwork. | 0:25:54 | 0:25:57 | |
They are closing down the European leaders section. | 0:25:57 | 0:26:00 | |
Oh, ja. | 0:26:00 | 0:26:02 | |
And I could stand very, very still next to myself. | 0:26:02 | 0:26:06 | |
And jump out and erschrecken the tourists! | 0:26:06 | 0:26:09 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:26:09 | 0:26:10 | |
And the English say that they have no sense of humour. | 0:26:10 | 0:26:14 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:26:14 | 0:26:15 | |
We could see Justin Bieber. | 0:26:19 | 0:26:22 | |
-Und Adele. -No, Nena. | 0:26:22 | 0:26:24 | |
Yeah, no, I don't think they will have a Nena waxwork. | 0:26:24 | 0:26:27 | |
Oh, but they should, because she wrote the greatest song ever. | 0:26:27 | 0:26:31 | |
-Ja. -Ja. | 0:26:31 | 0:26:32 | |
-It has never been bettered. -No, nein. | 0:26:32 | 0:26:35 | |
-Oh, Angela. -What? -Sing it. | 0:26:36 | 0:26:38 | |
-Nein. -Ja, ja, sing. | 0:26:38 | 0:26:40 | |
# You and I in Lincolnshire | 0:26:40 | 0:26:44 | |
# A bag of balloons with the money we've got | 0:26:44 | 0:26:47 | |
# Set them free at the break of dawn | 0:26:47 | 0:26:51 | |
# Till one by one, they were gone | 0:26:51 | 0:26:54 | |
# Back at base, bugs in the software... | 0:26:54 | 0:26:58 | |
# Flash the message, something's out there | 0:26:58 | 0:27:01 | |
# Floating in the summer sky | 0:27:01 | 0:27:04 | |
# 99 red balloons go by... # | 0:27:04 | 0:27:08 | |
INSTRUMENTAL | 0:27:08 | 0:27:09 | |
# 99 Decision Street | 0:27:17 | 0:27:20 | |
# 99 ministers meet | 0:27:20 | 0:27:22 | |
# To worry, worry, super-scurry | 0:27:22 | 0:27:25 | |
# Call the troops out in a hurry! | 0:27:25 | 0:27:27 | |
# This is what we've waited for! | 0:27:27 | 0:27:29 | |
# This is it, boys! This is war! | 0:27:29 | 0:27:32 | |
# The President is on the line | 0:27:32 | 0:27:34 | |
# As ninety-neunzig luftballoons go by! # | 0:27:34 | 0:27:36 | |
Hey, hey, hey! | 0:27:38 | 0:27:40 | |
Ja! Ja! | 0:27:40 | 0:27:41 | |
# 99 lights up the air | 0:27:46 | 0:27:48 | |
# Like super heartache jet fighters! | 0:27:48 | 0:27:50 | |
# Everyone's a superhero | 0:27:50 | 0:27:53 | |
# Everyone's a Captain Kirk | 0:27:53 | 0:27:55 | |
# With orders to identify | 0:27:55 | 0:27:57 | |
# To clarify und classify | 0:27:57 | 0:28:00 | |
# Scramble in the summer sky | 0:28:00 | 0:28:02 | |
# 99 red balloons go by... | 0:28:02 | 0:28:07 | |
# As ninety-neunzig luftballoons go by... | 0:28:07 | 0:28:10 | |
# If I could find a souvenir | 0:28:15 | 0:28:19 | |
# Just to prove the world was here | 0:28:19 | 0:28:21 | |
# And here is a red balloon | 0:28:21 | 0:28:25 | |
# I think of you and let it go... # | 0:28:25 | 0:28:29 | |
You know, I think that Britain is our red balloon, Burgat, | 0:28:34 | 0:28:38 | |
and we should just let it go. | 0:28:38 | 0:28:40 | |
Oh, Angela, you are so wise. | 0:28:40 | 0:28:43 | |
Do you remember Nena's armpits? | 0:28:46 | 0:28:48 | |
Oh, ja, ja, ja. You could've hidden a couple of Syrians in there. | 0:28:48 | 0:28:52 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:28:52 | 0:28:54 | |
Naughty. | 0:28:54 | 0:28:56 | |
-Angela! -Such bad, bad, bad. | 0:28:56 | 0:28:59 |