Episode 6 Tracey Ullman's Show


Episode 6

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Transcript


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VO: Later on BBC One... COCKERELL CROWS

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..just three boilers remain in The Great British Boiled Egg.

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On your marks, get set...

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boil!

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This programme contains some strong language from the start.

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The egg's too small for the cup!

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-CHICK TWEETS

-Oh, not again!

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Do-do!

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Someone...

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is going through...

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..to the soldiers round.

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VO: The final of The Great British Boiled Egg on BBC One.

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This is shit.

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# When I was small I used to dance in my mother's bedroom

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# Then I grew up and did it again

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# And basically, I'm still doing the same show

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# I did in my mother's bedroom and I'll do it till the bitter end

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# Cos it's my Tracey Ullman Show!

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# Tracey Ullman show

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# Let's do the show, let's go

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# Tracey Ullman Show!

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# Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman

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# Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey...

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# Tracey Ullman Show. #

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Let's go.

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One woman's fate hangs on what we do.

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I've classified this mission DBIU - don't balls it up.

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Let's ride.

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Turn your papers over, please.

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The drug in the coffee is working, and it's a go for Team Toilet!

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'All right, Simon. Let's see it.'

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Section One's King Lear.

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Right, you, I want answers.

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Georgia, give me an update on your hole.

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DRILL NOISES

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-We have aperture.

-Yahtzee!

-Wait, there's an extra question.

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It's on Cider with Rosie.

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Danny, didn't I send you deep cover to sleep with the exam setter?

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-She lied to me.

-Who has a model answer to Laurie Lee?

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Louisa does.

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I'm doing actual work here on real threats.

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Here's a real threat.

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She's my daughter.

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This could be the difference between Bristol and Bangor.

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It's done. Can I go back to work now?

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Light her up.

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-Mum!

-Ssh...

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Shitola, she's onto us.

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Simon!

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Ah...

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Mum, it's my exam, and I don't want to cheat.

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Patch me in.

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Jasmine, you're only projected a B+. I had to be there for you this time.

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All the birthdays I missed to eliminate Russians,

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the holiday ruined when I had to kill your dad for knowing too much.

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What the hell's going on?

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GUNSHOT

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-Oh, well done.

-Sorry.

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Everyone out. Jasmine, you're going to uni in Burma.

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Go, go, go, go...

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Oh, Burgat. Another day, another EU crisis meeting.

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Yeah, what is this one?

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Well, it is the pre-talks for the talks next month,

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and also post-talks for the pre-talks that we had last month.

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I tell you who needs a talking-to...

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-Francois Hollande.

-Oh, I like him. He has a twinkle in his eye.

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-He has an eye on my twinkle.

-Oh, don't worry, Angela.

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In 12 to 16 hours, it will all be over.

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-And what will you do today, Burgat?

-The open-top bus tour of London.

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I have a rib-eye at Angus Steakhouse,

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and then I go to Boots, Piccadilly, to stockpile miracle serum.

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-It could be my last chance.

-Now don't panic, liebling,

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I will make export of miracle serum to Germany a condition

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of any future trade deal.

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Because if we run out, we will both be rumpfen, rumpfen,

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like you won't believe.

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Well, you have my word it'll be right up there with free movement.

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Oh, danke, mein Chancellor...

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Oh, I must go. The hop-on-hop-off bus will leave at any moment,

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and I want to buy a fridge magnet!

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Oh, I wish I could go with you.

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Oh, Burgat. How could David Cameron do this to us?

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I should've known that he was always looking so red and shiny,

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like a waxed apfel.

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You know what they say, never trust a man with no lips.

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Ah...

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SHE SIGHS

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INDISTINCT SPEECH

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Ladies and gentlemen, the Sharon Utley Centre for Fine Arts is going

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to be a huge engine in regenerating what is, after all,

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one of Yorkshire's top seven seaside resorts.

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Wasn't the money originally going to be used to rebuild the pier?

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Yes, but I am more than happy

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that it's been diverted to this wonderful...

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endeavour.

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I can see our traditional seaside town being visited

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by swathes of metrosexuals from all over the country.

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-Gays, you mean?

-But they're not all gay, Archie.

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-Well, they're not staying in my B&B.

-I see you haven't changed, Archie.

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You're still the same Little Englander.

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-Little Yorkshireman, thank you.

-I'm just glad I got out.

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Yeah, and I'm glad I stayed.

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I'd just like to make it clear that we welcome the...

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the pink pound.

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Come for the conceptual arts, stay for Joe Pasquale.

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At least back in my day we had Bernie Clifton.

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Ah... We had the theatre on the pier then.

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Still, we've got this wonderful gallery

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and I'd like to introduce you to the lady who made it all possible.

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Fanthorpe-on-Sea's very own, Sharon Utley!

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APPLAUSE

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See this, do you know what it says in there?

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-It says "shit town".

-Yeah, why is that?

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Because this piece is about how this shit town fucks you.

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MAYOR LAUGHS

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That... That is one, erm,

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one interpretation.

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And what does it mean to you, Bob?

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Well, it's just a man with a huge cock.

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Er, stiffy...willy.

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And was this piece based on anyone in particular?

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No, it could be anyone.

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I'm the town bike, remember?

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Come on, we don't want to be stuck in here, do we?

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We've got fantastic Fanthorpe weather outside,

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and you can see plenty more of Sharon's thought-provoking artworks

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on a sculpture trail dotted around the town.

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These, erm, these free guides are...

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..not suitable for children.

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So, how's my accountant?

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I love that girl.

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Do you know, she's a direct descendant of the Pendle witches?

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That's Northern royalty in my book!

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Well, Sam has talked me through this month's figures.

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-Yeah?

-She is very happy

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with the revenue stream from your new home CCTV device.

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Me Pam Cam? Thanks, Sam.

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She is delighted with your new breakfast cereal business.

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Pam's Brans? Laney,

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I haven't been this regular since I was in the majorettes!

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But she is concerned about your new potential acquisition in Sheffield.

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Me steelworks? Pam's Pipes?

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You'll be looking at losses of a million a week.

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The nation celebrated when they put in a bid

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to rescue the Tata Steelworks in South Wales.

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That's South Wales.

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Not having a steelworks in Sheffield?

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That's like the ravens leaving the tower.

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-The Blackpool Tower.

-No, the shit one.

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I want to have northern knives and forks in every cutlery drawer

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in Britain, and that's worth a million quid a week to me.

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It's great PR, everybody will know my name.

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One day, a steelworks, the next a whole city.

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Pam Town.

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-Pam-chester?

-Pam-hampton. I want them all over the North.

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Cut me, and I bleed urban conurbations.

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Pam-castle, Pam-pool?

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All right, don't kick the arse out of it, Laney.

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Right, get Sean Bean on the phone - he can cut the ribbon.

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He's local, isn't he?

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-I think he lives in London now...

-He's dead to me.

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I'm glad they lopped his head off in Game Of Thrones.

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I'm Dame Maggie Smith, and I've become a vlogger.

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It's like acting,

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but you can do it from your armchair and you don't have to eat lunch

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at a draughty location and use a chemical toilet.

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My new video is set to break the internet,

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as nobody with a smidgen of class is saying.

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Today, I shall play a first person shooter.

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I have no idea what that means,

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but I have been the first person on a great many film shoots,

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so I should take to it like a duck to San Pellegrino.

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I seem to be in a stately home

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in a state of somewhat picturesque dilapidation.

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All rather familiar...

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No wonder they called this game Return To Hell.

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-'Emporda...'

-Oh, hello!

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Do you speak English?

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I should like you to draw me a bath.

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GUNSHOT Good lord, he shot me!

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Well, there's no tip for you on Sunday!

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MACHINE-GUN FIRE

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I cannot abide bad manners, let that be a lesson to what remains of you.

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I must tell my agent to add "slaughter" to my list of skills.

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GROWLING SOUND Oh, it's some sort of vagrant.

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I'm sorry, but I don't have any change.

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GUNSHOTS

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BEEPING

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Oh! IanMcKellen43 has logged on and wants to play SimCity.

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GUNSHOTS AND MAN GROANS

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Oh, have I just shot Ian?

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Can I shoot Derek Jacobi, Helen Mirren and Joan Collins, too?

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Put Kenneth Branagh up.

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GUNSHOTS AND MAN GROANS

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It's a lot of fun this, isn't it?

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Well, you know what my mother's like, you let her wind you up!

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PHONE RINGS

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I'm sorry, I had to leave that on for emergencies.

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The machine will get it.

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'This is the voicemail of Sally Hollister,

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'individual and couple therapy.

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'Your problems are my business.' TONE

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Sorry, it does that. Go on.

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Well, she never thought I was good enough for you, you know?

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'Sally, it's me, it's Chloe.

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'You said I could call on this number if I needed to?'

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We can ignore that. You just carry on.

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'You'll never guess what's happened.'

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You know what she said to me at our wedding?

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-'I've finally done it!'

-Shh!

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She's only gone and done it...

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'And I said it, I said it to him, I know what's going on.'

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This is Sally here, and I heard you, Chloe,

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and I just want to say well done,

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I think you've had a real breakthrough here.

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So now, could you just take five deep breaths for me, OK?

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So, she finds out two weeks ago

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that he's only got his second family living three streets down,

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two little kiddies, and she pops in on this woman,

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the woman knows nothing.

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Yeah, can you take five more breaths, love, all right?

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Turns out all their kids are at the same school, Saint Mary's,

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would you believe that? I mean, you'd never think to look at him. He's a tiny little man.

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Yeah, five more breaths, love.

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Meanwhile, Chloe's done some more digging and it turns out that the

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marriage might not be legal in the first place,

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so she might end up getting nothing.

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Chloe, are you OK?

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No, you're not interrupting anything, no.

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I'll see you on Tuesday, yeah.

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Cor...

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Well!

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Our kids go to St Mary's.

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Do they?

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Yeah.

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Oh, do you know Chloe with two kids?

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-Yes.

-Yep, we do.

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One of the kids is in Preeti's class.

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Oh, right.

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I'd like to say

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that anything you hear or say in this room stays within this room,

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that trust is absolutely integral to the process.

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I think I might know who the other wife could be...

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Ooh...

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Go on.

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Yeah, that's where I first did crack, over there.

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I'd like to stress that was many, many years ago,

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and Fanthorpe-on-Sea has a zero tolerance policy on drugs.

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In fact, it's the perfect destination for a family holiday,

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and we do have a miniature train.

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-What are you doing?!

-Creating art.

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-Sharon?

-Yeah?

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It's Carol! Carol Blakely.

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Year five.

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Oh, yeah.

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Hello, Carol.

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Leave it!

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What's all this, then?

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Well, you know what it's like,

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they open an art gallery in your honour.

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You know, it's funny, you becoming an artist,

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cos you were never very good at drawing at school.

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Art's not about drawing, it's about ideas.

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Like that.

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It's a crazy golf course.

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Come and look at the eighth hole.

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Yeah, it's a big hairy fanny.

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What's the idea here, then?

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Well, it's about how men historically have run away

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from women to play golf, but they can't any more,

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because women have taken charge.

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The hair makes it a very challenging hole.

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You've made a right mess of this crazy golf course.

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Yeah, it might look like a right mess to you,

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but this is £30,000 worth of contemporary arts

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to Charles Saatchi.

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The one who tried to strangle Nigella?

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The photo made it look worse than it was.

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And isn't crazy golf mainly played by children?

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Not any more.

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While Sharon's exhibiting, we've got a 15 age restriction.

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Sharon, what happened to that nice fella you were seeing?

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You were going to set up a B&B together, weren't you?

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Didn't work out.

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Right, let's go over to the lighthouse.

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You'll never guess what I've turned that into.

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Is it a penis?

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That's a lucky guess, Carol.

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-Uberraschung. Surprise!

-What are you doing here?

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Well, I suddenly thought to myself,

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why should I help to clear all this mess up?

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The British can scoop their own poop.

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So, I arranged a private meeting with the CEO of Boots,

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and I let them get on with it.

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-Wunderschon!

-Yes, besides, I never see London, you know?

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I just see the airports and the conference centre,

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and Theresa May talking about Brexit means Brexit, means Shmexit, means argh...

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Oh, it feels so good to feel the wind in my hairspray!

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ANGELA LAUGHS

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Oh, you would love London, Angela. Look, it is full of German things.

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-I saw a Lidl.

-Ja?

-Ja.

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Oh, look at this man drinking a Pilsner in the morning.

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He must be a great supporter of our German brewing industry.

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Look, dachshunds!

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Ah! Ja, ja, ja!

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Oh, it is a German Shepherd eating a frankfurter!

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This is more German than Germany.

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Ja. Oh, Burgat, what are they going to do without us?

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Oh, I don't know, mein Chancellor.

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These people, they look so sad.

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Maybe I should invite them all to come and stay at my place?

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Like those Syrian friends of ours?

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Ja, ja, why not? Who knows? It's an open house.

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-Nein.

-You will have shitloads of the Brits paddling across the Channel.

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These people are desperate.

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Ja, that's true, that's true.

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Theresa, come out and fight with me.

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Come out, come on, give me some! Do you want some?

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-Selfie!

-It's naughty.

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-Ooh! Ja!

-Ja!

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Here's your tea.

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-Are you feeling a bit better?

-Not really, no.

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OK, well, can you describe the man who mugged you?

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Um, he was about 5 foot 10, short, dark hair.

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He put a knife to my throat and he demanded my phone and my watch.

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And were you wearing what you're wearing now?

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-Sorry?

-Is this what you were wearing when it happened?

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Erm, yes. But...

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You look quite provocatively wealthy.

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Look, I fail to see how what I wear has any...

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Well, just a bit of an invitation, isn't it?

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Like you're advertising it.

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-Look...

-You seem distressed.

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I'm going bring one of our counsellors in.

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This gentleman's a bit upset. He was mugged earlier.

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Oh, dear.

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Had you been drinking?

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Yes, cos if you'd had a drink, it can send out confusing signals.

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Lead somebody on, with a nice suit and the phone,

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and then at the last minute say, "I don't want to be mugged."

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He put a knife to my throat and he demanded my possessions.

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-I mean...

-And you just gave them to him?

0:16:280:16:30

Did you even scream?

0:16:300:16:32

See? How is someone to know that you don't enjoy handing over your

0:16:320:16:35

possessions unless you make your intentions clear?

0:16:350:16:38

No, I didn't scream, he had a knife! I was really scared.

0:16:380:16:42

And we're very sympathetic, but I'm afraid that you're going to

0:16:420:16:44

have to accept some of the responsibility for this.

0:16:440:16:47

KNOCK ON DOOR Come in.

0:16:470:16:49

Are you going to be much longer? I've got a gentleman out here,

0:16:490:16:52

says he has been receiving abusive e-mails for months.

0:16:520:16:55

Ask him what font he's been using.

0:16:560:16:58

If it's something coquettish like Helvetica,

0:16:580:17:00

-then he's probably brought it on himself.

-Right, OK.

0:17:000:17:04

What time did he get here?

0:17:210:17:23

-About an hour ago.

-Aye, he'll be nicely softened up by now.

0:17:230:17:26

-# Bye-bye, baby... #

-MUSIC DISTORTS AND STOPS

0:17:260:17:29

Andy Murray!

0:17:290:17:30

I'm delighted you have deigned to grace us with your presence!

0:17:300:17:34

I know you prefer it in leafy Surrey.

0:17:340:17:36

An hour of the Bay City Rollers, why?

0:17:360:17:39

I won't have you disparaging the sound of my childhood.

0:17:390:17:42

Stuart Woody Wood, now there's a proper Scot for you.

0:17:420:17:46

He didn't ponce off down south at the first whiff of success.

0:17:460:17:49

There's lots of nice places to live up here, you know?

0:17:490:17:53

What's wrong with the Ayrshire coast?

0:17:530:17:55

Aye, with summer highs of 12 degrees and pleasantly moist

0:17:550:17:59

300 days of annual rainfall. I'd call it the perfect climate.

0:17:590:18:03

I'm proud to be Scottish, Sturgeon.

0:18:030:18:05

Aye, you love Scotland, is that right?

0:18:050:18:08

Then why did you give your wee baby daughter the most

0:18:080:18:10

un-Scottish sounding name on the planet?

0:18:100:18:12

Sofia. And not just Sofia, but Sofia Olivia, if you please.

0:18:120:18:17

You might as well have set fire to the St Andrews cross

0:18:170:18:21

and danced on the ashes, dressed as a bulldog.

0:18:210:18:23

I tell you what you're going to do for me,

0:18:230:18:26

you're going to rechristen that bairn

0:18:260:18:29

with a beautiful Scottish name like Moira,

0:18:290:18:32

or Lorraine, or Kelly,

0:18:320:18:35

or Lorraine Kelly.

0:18:350:18:37

I just wanted her to grow up a citizen of the world.

0:18:390:18:41

Ah, she will. Don't worry about that.

0:18:410:18:44

When Operation Take The High Road comes to fruition.

0:18:440:18:48

Show him, wee Mhairi.

0:18:480:18:49

Scottish scientists have calculated

0:18:500:18:53

that five nuclear devices exploded off the Shetland Isles

0:18:530:18:56

would be enough to tilt the Earth's axis

0:18:560:18:59

and bring a Scottish climate to the whole world.

0:18:590:19:03

Imagine it! Scots free to travel the globe with nae fear of sunburn.

0:19:030:19:08

Just use factor 50.

0:19:080:19:11

-I won't help you.

-Oh, really?

0:19:110:19:14

-What's that?

-Let me introduce you to one of my favourite creatures,

0:19:140:19:18

the Highland otter.

0:19:180:19:20

Brave, canny, hardy, and do you know why they're so hardy?

0:19:200:19:24

Because they don't stray more than six metres from the burrow

0:19:240:19:27

they were born into.

0:19:270:19:29

Listen to me, I supported independence.

0:19:290:19:32

Shall we see what a hungry otter can do to your balls?

0:19:320:19:35

-Get a treat of Murray!

-You're mad, Sturgeon.

0:19:370:19:40

Turn up the Bay City Rollers!

0:19:400:19:42

Mhairi, your parliamentary maiden speech.

0:19:420:19:45

-No!

-Thank you...

-NICOLA LAUGHS

0:19:450:19:48

..Madam Deputy Speaker, for calling me to such important debate!

0:19:480:19:52

Are you all right, Sharon?

0:19:560:19:57

-Yeah, fine.

-This should be everything you've ever wanted,

0:19:570:20:00

vindication, return of the conquering hero,

0:20:000:20:03

respect of your peers.

0:20:030:20:04

I only ever wanted the respect of one man.

0:20:040:20:07

Where's me red wine?

0:20:080:20:09

-Sharon?

-Archie?

0:20:100:20:12

I just saw your big hairy fanny out on the golf course,

0:20:120:20:16

and I've finally realised...

0:20:160:20:18

-Yeah?

-You're a proper artist.

0:20:180:20:21

Yeah, I, I shouldn't have come...

0:20:230:20:24

No, Archie...

0:20:240:20:26

I haven't shown you my latest work, look.

0:20:260:20:28

It's called...Regret.

0:20:290:20:32

It were inspired by you.

0:20:320:20:34

You did know what constituted the full tea

0:20:340:20:36

-and coffee-making facilities in a B&B.

-Course I did.

0:20:360:20:40

I was just too proud to tell you.

0:20:400:20:42

Hang on a minute. Archie, you're not Man With Stick Of Rock For Cock,

0:20:420:20:47

-are you?

-Of course he is.

0:20:470:20:48

And maybe if he'd have just given me the slightest acknowledgement

0:20:480:20:51

that he respected my work, or even understood it,

0:20:510:20:54

I might not have left like I did.

0:20:540:20:56

Sharon, do you think we can make it work again?

0:20:560:21:00

I really don't mind the gays.

0:21:000:21:02

I don't know.

0:21:020:21:04

No. No...

0:21:040:21:05

I can't ask you to come back here and get up at six to grill kippers.

0:21:050:21:09

And I couldn't ask you to split your life between my townhouse

0:21:090:21:11

in Belgravia and my villa in the Cote d'Azur

0:21:110:21:14

with its three sun terraces and infinity pool.

0:21:140:21:16

Well, you know, there might be a way to make it work.

0:21:170:21:21

No, we're too set in our ways.

0:21:210:21:24

No, no, that's what I'm saying.

0:21:240:21:26

If only I hadn't walked out that night,

0:21:260:21:29

burned down the pier and run off for London and set up...

0:21:290:21:32

Hang on a sec.

0:21:320:21:33

You burnt down the pier?

0:21:350:21:37

We thought it was a dodgy plug on the whack-a-mole.

0:21:380:21:41

I had a lot of anger back then.

0:21:410:21:42

-My grandad built that pier.

-Look, if it comes to it,

0:21:420:21:45

I could sell the B&B, or I could just give it to somebody.

0:21:450:21:48

For the last 20 years it's been considered "uneconomic" to rebuild,

0:21:480:21:52

and finally they get around to allocating some lottery money to it

0:21:520:21:56

and they divert it to this rubbish.

0:21:560:21:59

That's worth eight million quid!

0:21:590:22:01

Yeah, so is my pier.

0:22:010:22:03

I made these last night, they're gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free,

0:22:070:22:10

sugar-free, they're just wonderful, clean eating, all natural muffins.

0:22:100:22:16

Oh, would you like one of my cupcakes?

0:22:160:22:18

They're gluten-free, sugar-free, egg-free...

0:22:180:22:21

I can't get past the taste.

0:22:210:22:23

Mum... SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

0:22:290:22:30

We've got a visitor, this is Debbie.

0:22:300:22:32

She's come all the way from Australia.

0:22:320:22:34

-Hello, Mrs Clark!

-DEBBIE LAUGHS

0:22:340:22:36

I told you about Debbie, didn't I, Mum?

0:22:360:22:40

She's the cousin I've been writing to.

0:22:400:22:43

She was put up for adoption.

0:22:430:22:45

She was...

0:22:450:22:47

Dad's sister's daughter.

0:22:470:22:50

Illegitimate child.

0:22:500:22:52

Doesn't surprise me.

0:22:520:22:55

Always was a bit loose, that one.

0:22:550:22:57

Oh, dear, you'll have to excuse her, she's 103.

0:22:570:23:00

But that's all water under the bridge, isn't it, Mummy?

0:23:000:23:04

The point is

0:23:040:23:05

that I've got a cousin and you've got a niece, and she's here,

0:23:050:23:08

and it's exciting, isn't it?

0:23:080:23:09

I've been working on our family tree.

0:23:110:23:14

I thought you might like to see it.

0:23:140:23:16

-Oh, yes.

-And maybe help me fill in a few gaps.

0:23:160:23:19

Oh, yes, Mum will be able to do that,

0:23:190:23:21

she's got ever such a good memory.

0:23:210:23:22

It's better than mine, isn't it, Mum?

0:23:220:23:25

Well, let's start with your dad's side of the family, shall we?

0:23:250:23:28

Now, Dad's sisters were...

0:23:280:23:31

Trollops.

0:23:310:23:32

Let's just come back to that, shall we?

0:23:350:23:37

What was Dad's brother's name?

0:23:370:23:39

-Nancy boy.

-That wasn't his name!

0:23:390:23:43

Yes, that was what he was called - and for very good reason.

0:23:430:23:47

Let's leave that blank for the moment, shall we?

0:23:470:23:52

What about your husband's mother?

0:23:520:23:55

I don't know who you're talking about.

0:23:550:23:57

Oh, she means Nan, Nanny.

0:23:570:23:59

I don't remember anyone with that name.

0:23:590:24:02

Is this because she said that your jam roly-poly wasn't jammy enough?

0:24:020:24:06

Oh, mother, that was 78 years ago.

0:24:060:24:10

As far as I'm concerned, she does not exist.

0:24:100:24:14

Well, at least I've got a cousin -

0:24:160:24:17

and I didn't think I had any relations at all.

0:24:170:24:20

I've actually managed to track down

0:24:200:24:23

quite a few relations in Australia.

0:24:230:24:25

You've got lots of cousins! And they've got children,

0:24:250:24:29

and some of them have children.

0:24:290:24:31

Oh, my goodness!

0:24:310:24:32

You should come out to Australia and visit us all.

0:24:320:24:35

-Oh, that'd be amazing.

-Meet your family.

0:24:350:24:38

Oh, I've always wanted to be part of a big family.

0:24:380:24:42

Oh, I should like that.

0:24:420:24:44

I should like that very much indeed.

0:24:440:24:47

THEY LAUGH

0:24:470:24:48

I wouldn't bother.

0:24:480:24:49

-Why not?

-Well, if you must know, your dad wasn't really your dad.

0:24:490:24:54

-What do you mean?

-Your real dad was a sailor.

0:24:570:25:00

I don't know his name.

0:25:000:25:01

Mum, when were you going to tell me this?

0:25:020:25:05

I was waiting till you were older.

0:25:050:25:07

How old do I have to be?

0:25:070:25:09

Well, it's all in the past now.

0:25:090:25:12

Let's forget about it.

0:25:120:25:14

What about the family tree?

0:25:140:25:16

It's just you and me.

0:25:160:25:18

You don't need anyone else, do you?

0:25:180:25:21

Oh... Let's go over to the arcade,

0:25:260:25:28

break in and we'll have sex on a pinball machine.

0:25:280:25:31

-Yeah.

-Then... No,

0:25:310:25:32

we'll leave our pants on and I'll sell it as a bit of art called Multi-ball.

0:25:320:25:36

You never turn off, do you?

0:25:360:25:38

-Just to let you know, Sharon...

-DISTANT SIREN

0:25:380:25:40

-..your gallery's on fire.

-HE LAUGHS

0:25:400:25:43

Archie, film me kicking his head in.

0:25:450:25:48

It's for an installation.

0:25:480:25:50

Last stop, Madame Tussaud's.

0:25:520:25:54

Oh, I must pop in to collect the suit we lent them for your waxwork.

0:25:540:25:57

They are closing down the European leaders section.

0:25:570:26:00

Oh, ja.

0:26:000:26:02

And I could stand very, very still next to myself.

0:26:020:26:06

And jump out and erschrecken the tourists!

0:26:060:26:09

THEY LAUGH

0:26:090:26:10

And the English say that they have no sense of humour.

0:26:100:26:14

THEY LAUGH

0:26:140:26:15

We could see Justin Bieber.

0:26:190:26:22

-Und Adele.

-No, Nena.

0:26:220:26:24

Yeah, no, I don't think they will have a Nena waxwork.

0:26:240:26:27

Oh, but they should, because she wrote the greatest song ever.

0:26:270:26:31

-Ja.

-Ja.

0:26:310:26:32

-It has never been bettered.

-No, nein.

0:26:320:26:35

-Oh, Angela.

-What?

-Sing it.

0:26:360:26:38

-Nein.

-Ja, ja, sing.

0:26:380:26:40

# You and I in Lincolnshire

0:26:400:26:44

# A bag of balloons with the money we've got

0:26:440:26:47

# Set them free at the break of dawn

0:26:470:26:51

# Till one by one, they were gone

0:26:510:26:54

# Back at base, bugs in the software...

0:26:540:26:58

# Flash the message, something's out there

0:26:580:27:01

# Floating in the summer sky

0:27:010:27:04

# 99 red balloons go by... #

0:27:040:27:08

INSTRUMENTAL

0:27:080:27:09

# 99 Decision Street

0:27:170:27:20

# 99 ministers meet

0:27:200:27:22

# To worry, worry, super-scurry

0:27:220:27:25

# Call the troops out in a hurry!

0:27:250:27:27

# This is what we've waited for!

0:27:270:27:29

# This is it, boys! This is war!

0:27:290:27:32

# The President is on the line

0:27:320:27:34

# As ninety-neunzig luftballoons go by! #

0:27:340:27:36

Hey, hey, hey!

0:27:380:27:40

Ja! Ja!

0:27:400:27:41

# 99 lights up the air

0:27:460:27:48

# Like super heartache jet fighters!

0:27:480:27:50

# Everyone's a superhero

0:27:500:27:53

# Everyone's a Captain Kirk

0:27:530:27:55

# With orders to identify

0:27:550:27:57

# To clarify und classify

0:27:570:28:00

# Scramble in the summer sky

0:28:000:28:02

# 99 red balloons go by...

0:28:020:28:07

# As ninety-neunzig luftballoons go by...

0:28:070:28:10

# If I could find a souvenir

0:28:150:28:19

# Just to prove the world was here

0:28:190:28:21

# And here is a red balloon

0:28:210:28:25

# I think of you and let it go... #

0:28:250:28:29

You know, I think that Britain is our red balloon, Burgat,

0:28:340:28:38

and we should just let it go.

0:28:380:28:40

Oh, Angela, you are so wise.

0:28:400:28:43

Do you remember Nena's armpits?

0:28:460:28:48

Oh, ja, ja, ja. You could've hidden a couple of Syrians in there.

0:28:480:28:52

THEY LAUGH

0:28:520:28:54

Naughty.

0:28:540:28:56

-Angela!

-Such bad, bad, bad.

0:28:560:28:59

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